I own none of this. Tatsunoko, Sandy Frank, Ted Turner, and Best Brains, Inc. do. If people like it, I might do another one. :)

This is for a fan fic challenge that was issued to the BotP/Gatchaman mailing list. Insert yourself into one of the team's adventures. Since nobody said you couldn't do a MSTing for this, I did. It's written in script format. The material being MSTed is in blue to distinguish it from the commentary.

Yes, I sat down and transcribed an entire episode of GoS. Yes, it was painful.

Rated PG-13 for swearing, innuendo, and numerous references to crack.

Mystery Gatch Theater 3000

"The Robot Stegosaur"

by Kathy a.k.a Fan Girl

with help from her other half, Donnovan Sunrider

[In a dark room on the bridge of an unnamed satellite orbiting Earth, two winged figures are sitting on the floor. They are Owashio no Ken and Kondoru no Joe of the Science Ninja Team. Both of them look tired. Their weapons are lying on the floor by their sides.]

Ken: You know, Joe, I think Katse finally put us in a room that even we can't escape from. Our weapons didn't work, explosives didn't work...

Joe: Can't send a Bird Scramble. Where are we anyway?

[Right on cue, an evil, yet familiar voice answers. The two ninjas turn towards a screen to see their enemy, Berg Katse.]

Katse: Gatchaman! I have you and the Condor and you won't escape this time. Sosai X had this satellite specially constructed to hold all of the Science Ninja Team!

Ken: Berg Katse! You will never get away with this! The others are still out there and they will stop your plans and free us.

Katse: I wouldn't count on that, Gatchaman.

Joe: What are you going to do with us?

Katse: I have a special kind of torture in mind. One so horrible, so excruciatingly painful, it will break both of your wills and you will tell me your identities, the identities of the rest of the Science Ninja Team, and the location of your secret base.

Ken: We'll never tell you anything. You'll have to kill us first.

Katse: Maybe one of your teammates will care to enlighten me.

Joe: They would never do that!

Katse: Why don't we find out? My soldiers captured The Swan and we're sending her up here.

[Katse pushes some buttons, then a bright flash of light appears. Ken and Joe shield their eyes.]

Joe: Damn, that's bright!

[The light fades, and instead of The Swan, they see a different woman lying there. She's a little on the tall side, has reddish-brown hair, glasses, and appears to be in her early thirties. She is wearing jeans, Reeboks, and a gray sweatshirt embroidered with "Green Bay Packers" on it.]

Kathy: Jesus! I think I cracked my tailbone! [looks around] Where am I? [looks around some more, then sees Ken and Joe.] Oh my God! I know who you are! You're--

Joe: [interrupting her] You're not Jun! Who are you?

Kathy: Kathy. I live in the second most boring place in the world, Wisconsin.

Joe: What's the first?

Kathy: Nebraska. Why am I here?

Ken: We don't know. They were supposed to send someone else up here.

Kathy: They?

Ken: Galactor. Berg Katse.

Kathy: Oh, the Purple Doberman on Speed.

[Joe snickers.]

Kathy: Well, this is obviously a mistake. I ain't no Science Ninja, that's for sure. Galactor must really be stupid if they can mistake me for The Swan. [realizes something] Wait a minute! Aren't you guys supposed to be animated?

Ken: Animated?

Kathy: Yeah, I watch you guys on DVD all the time.

Joe: Nope, we're real.

Kathy: This is so weird.

[Berg Katse interrupts them from the monitor.]

Katse: You're not the Swan!

Kathy: No shit, Sherlock!

Katse: I don't understand what went wrong! It worked the other time I used it!

Kathy: So this means you're going to let me go, right?

Katse: Let you go? I don't think so. You seem to know a lot about the Science Ninja Team. Maybe I can get some information after I break your will to live.

Kathy: I'm a pretty strong willed person. And how do you plan on breaking my will, Dynomutt?

Katse: Well, I unearthed some tapes of a show called G-Force: Guardians of Space. You're all in it, well, except for you [points at Kathy]. I am going to force you to watch it and when it's over, you'll be begging for my mercy. It's so bad, even I couldn't stand to watch it.

Kathy: That's evil.

Joe: There's shows about us?

Kathy: Yeah, four of them.

Ken: What are they?

Kathy: Well, there's yours with you guys in it, then there's Battle of the Planets, this one that Katse wants us to watch, and Eagle Riders. The last three are all American versions of your original show.

Ken: [snickers] Eagle Riders. What a stupid name!

Joe: So, am I still the tortured anti-hero?

Kathy: Well...

Katse: Enough of that! I will open the airlock long enough for you to get into the theater.

Ken: Theater?

Katse: Yes, theater. I want you to be able to experience all of G-Force: Guardians of Space in all it's glory. Now get into the theater!

[Klaxons go off]

Ken: Okay, we're going.

[Enter Theater]

Kathy: Hey guys. I know how to get through this with your sanity intact.

Ken: You do? How?

[They sit down. Joe is on the aisle, Kathy in next seat, and Ken is to her right. They huddle together and she whispers something to them.]

Ken: Are you sure this is going to work?

Kathy: Trust me. It will.

[Opening Theme:]

Singers: G-Force!

Narrator: Five teenage champions.

Kathy: It's the WB versus UPN in the New Battle of the Network Stars!

G-Force: Guardians of Space. Fighting to defend good over evil. Fighting to defend planet Earth from deadly enemies from space.

Ace Goodheart,

Ken: What the hell?

Joe: Ace Goodheart? GOODHEART? [rolls in his seat, laughing hysterically.]

Kathy: [sarcastically] You think he has a "good heart"?

Ken puts his head in his hands.

leader of the team. Strong, vigilant, fearless as a hawk,

Ken: That's EAGLE, you twit!

guarding the four young agents under his command.

Dirk Daring,

Joe: Wait a minute...

Ken: Dirk Daring? DIRK DARING??? [starts laughing hysterically. Joe glares at him.]

Kathy: You know, that almost sounds like a porn name. [Ken starts laughing even harder.]

Joe: [glares at Kathy] Don't encourage him.

second in command. A crack marksman with the eye of an eagle

Joe: That's CONDOR, you dumbass! At least get the bird names right!

and nerves of steel.

Agatha June.

Ken and Joe: [look at each other in surprise, then they start laughing.]

Kathy: I feel sorry for her, saddled with a name like that.

Flies like a dove, strikes like a falcon.

Kathy: But she's really a swan.

A match for the strongest on the team. [scene shows Ace fighting as the narrator is talking about Agatha June.]

Joe: She's a shape shifter!

Hoot Owl.

Ken: Hoot Owl? Hoot Owl? [shakes his head.] His parents looked at him when he was born and decided to name him "Hoot Owl"?

Kathy: I think they were on crack. Just like the writers of this show.

Joe: At least they got his bird name right.

Hootie to his friends.

Ken: Like that's going to make his name any better.

Wise-cracking navigator who flies the amazing rocket ship Phoenix and laughs at danger.

Kathy: From safe inside the cockpit.

Pee-Wee,

Joe: Herman?

Kathy: Hello boys and girls. Today's secret word is "crack addicted, no talent, hack writers". When you hear today's secret word, scream real loud!

Ken: That's more than one word.

Kathy: Do I look like I care?

small and bold as a merlin,

Ken: The magician?

Kathy: No, merlin as in bird. A pigeon hawk.

the tiniest hawk of them all.

All: BUT HE'S NOT A HAWK!

Joe: He's a pigeon. "The Great Pigeon Jinpei"! [snickers]

Ken: Better not let him hear you say that, Joe. Remember what happened last time you teased him about his bird style?

Joe: [crossing his legs at the memory] You're no fun, Ken.

These are the adventures of G-Force. Five secret agents trained to fly like birds.

Kathy: Were they trained to fly into windows and crap on your car, too?

G-Force: Guardians of Space.

Singers: G-Force!

[The scene is a rocky shoreline. It is night and there is a storm taking place. On the rocks is a lighthouse and inside is a man keeping watch. The waves are high from the wind. Suddenly, from the water, rises a giant mechanical turtle.

Ken: Hey! It's Turtle King!

The mechanical turtle takes off and starts flying through the air. He appears to be flying over a city now. At the lighthouse, the watchman is inside, talking on the phone.]

Joe: [as watchman] Hello, Pizza Hut? I'd like to order 25 sausage, mushroom, and pepperoni pizzas, delivered to ISO Headquarters. The office of Nambu Hakase.

Ken: But he's allergic to mushrooms.

Joe: [grinning evilly] I know.

Watchman: You say that radar has picked up an unidentified flying object in the shape of a prehistoric monster? [looks up to see the giant mechanical turtle flying towards him.]

Watchman: Great Scott! It's here!

Ken: Holy cow! It's huge!

Kathy: Holy Gamera, Batman! It's coming this way!

Joe: Aw, shit! We're dead.

[The giant mechanical turtle shoots beams from the antennae that are on each side of its head, and destroys the lighthouse. Then the monster walks. It steps on a building and the foot is seen going inside. There are people in there who are trying to get out of the way. The people yell and run into the opposite direction, only to meet up with the monster's other foot. In the background, the "Backbeat from Hell" is playing.

Kathy: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah. Punctuate the death and destruction of a rampaging mechanical turtle by using 80's workout music as your soundtrack.

Now the military has shown up to take care of the monster. A man, presumably the one in charge, gives orders.]

Military Guy: We gotta stop it before it breaks into the vault with the uranium.

Joe: What the military commander doesn't know is that we secretly replaced his uranium supply with Folger's Crystals. Let's watch.

Ready? [looks over his shoulder] Fire!

[The military fires its weapons at the monster, but it has no effect. Instead it drills its way into the vault that holds the uranium. The monster's head pokes inside and it looks around. A door opens under the monster's belly and a small tank with grippers is lowered. The tank drives ahead and takes the uranium.

Ken: So they keep a radioactive substance in a Samsonite suitcase?

While the monster is doing this, the military is still shooting at it. In fact, it's shooting it in the backside.

Kathy: [in TV advertisement voiceover person's voice] Hemorrhoids are like missiles being shot in your ass.

The monster twitches its tail and sends some of the jeeps flying. After getting the uranium, the monster takes off.]

Military Guy: It got the uranium.

[Now in the air, the monster shoots its lasers at the military below, basically destroying all of them. Next there are still shots of the monster ravaging the area, flames around it. While we see this, a man is speaking.]

Anonymous Speaker: There it is, gentlemen. These photos show how the robot stegosaur broke into the vault

Ken: But it's a turtle.

Kathy: Who's talking?

where the lead case containing the uranium was stored, wiped out our defenses, and got away.

Joe: Now breathe!

[Now we're in the meeting where the man is speaking.] What we have here is a worldwide emergency. That's why we called this meeting of the world's greatest powers. We'll begin with the delegate from Scandinavia.

[A man stands up, Director Anderson in Gatchaman, President Kane from BotP]

Ken: Hey! That's Anderson-chokan! Did he get demoted or something?

Joe: Someone must have found those pictures of him with that Jar Jar Binks doll and the whipped cream.

Kathy: Eww! Thanks for the mental image, Joe.

Delegate From Scandinavia: All we know so far is our enemy is a robot stegosaur.

Kathy: "-us". Stegosaurus.

Ken: But it's a turtle. To me, it's always been a turtle!

Like all robots, it must be controlled by human beings, but we don't know who those human beings are or what they want. We think the robot will be back. We think a gang of international terrorists is responsible for wanting to create destruction on a grand scale.

Kathy: You think too much.

Joe: You want to run that by me again, Anderson?

[Another delegate speaks up. He is an older man, balding, with a mustache and a long goatee.]

Delegate [speaking in an "old man" voice]: Anderson, do you have any idea who the terrorists are?

Joe: [in elderly person's voice] I've fallen and I can't get up!

Anderson [the delegate from Scandinavia]: Sorry to say, we have no idea of who they may be. Even Interpol has not positively identified them.

[The other delegates look around the room and talk among themselves.]

Delegate: Interpol doesn't even know who they are?

Another delegate: Then we are in trouble.

Kathy: Yeah, with leaders like you!

Old Man Delegate: Well, Anderson, what are we to do? Wait for them to strike again?

Anderson: I'm afraid so. We are completely in the dark about them. [Anderson sits down].

Dr. Brighthead: This is not the work of terrorists. [stands up]

Anderson: Dr. Brighthead,

Joe: Brighthead? BRIGHTHEAD? [hysterical laughter]

Kathy: Why does that name make me think of a bright red, festering zit about ready to pop?

what do you know of this?

Dr. Brighthead: It's the work of Galactor.

Delegates: Galactor!

Joe: [as Dr. B] That's just what I said! Weren't you paying attention?

Dr. Brighthead: Yes, Galactor. Galactor is not a human being.

Kathy: [doing an Elephant Man impression] I am not a human being. I am an ANIMAL!

Ken gives her a strange look.

Kathy: What?

He's an alien from space who has come to conquer the Earth.

Anderson: Good heavens!

Joe: [sarcastically] Oh, my virgin ears!

Kathy: Language, Anderson. Language.

Where has this Galactor established his base?

Ken: Next to Bath and Body Works in the mall.

Dr. Brighthead: We don't know that yet. But he has established a base here on Earth and we'll find it.

Delegate with bad British accent: How Dr. Brighthead? The alien could establish a base anywhere on this planet.

Dr. Brighthead: G-Force will find it.

Anderson: What is this "G-Force"?

Kathy: The universal constant relating force to mass and distance in Newton's law of gravitation.

Dr. Brighthead: [striking a pose] A secret organization. Five young agents. They're all smart, with good backgrounds in science.

Joe: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, that'll get you laid.

They're tough and they can fly.

[Ace is flying his plane. Answers communicator.]

Ace: This is Agent G-1. Doctor.

Dr. Brighthead: Good morning, G-1. If you're ready for a little action,

Kathy: [as Dr. Brighthead] Meet me at the "usual place" in ten minutes.

radar is picking up an unidentified flying object heading due north.

Joe: [as Dr. B] Oh, wait. That's you, Ace.

Ace: [making a face, then he appears on Dr. B's monitor.] You think it's the stegosaur robot?

Ken: It's a turtle, you nimrod!

Dr. B: Yes, I do. I'm certain it's that robot. Time to transform, Ace. And get G-Force aboard the Phoenix.

Ace: Roger. [does the transform thing] G-Force! Trans-fooooorrm! [the backbeat is heard again.]

Ken: Don't they ever use different music?

Kathy: Their Casio keyboard only came programmed with one song.

Ace: This is G-1. Transformation is complete.

Dr. B: Good G-1.

Joe: [as Dr. B] You didn't screw it up this time.

Calling Agatha June. Agent G-3 on the Coast Highway.

Kathy: As opposed to what? Agent G-3 on the New Jersey Turnpike?

Agatha: Roger.

Dr. B: Aggie, you rendezvous with Hoot Owl. He's on his way to the surface and should be breaking water any second.

Kathy: Breaking water? He's pregnant?

Ken: Better that than him breaking wind. When Ryu does it, we have to open the bubble just to air out the God Phoenix.

Joe: [snickering] At least I don't have to sit next to him when he does it.

Ken: Thanks for reminding me, Joe.

[The Phoenix surfaces]

Kathy: Thank God Ted Turner didn't decide to repaint it to look like a chicken.

Ken: Repaint it? Chicken?

Joe: What do you mean, repaint it?

Kathy: Oh, nothing. Nevermind. Forget I said anything.

Aggie: Yes, he's here now.

[More of the Phoenix surfacing, Hoot Owl is sitting in the bubble.]

Dr. B: Hoot Owl, rendezvous with G-3. She's abeam of you.

Joe: "Abeam" of what? Sunshine? Death ray?

Hootie: Roger.

[Phoenix is approaching G-3, ready for the pick-up.]

Hootie: Here I come, Aggie. Ready or not.

Kathy: [as Aggie] I'm not ready yet!

[G-3 docks with the Phoenix. When she's inside, Aggie gets off her bike and goes down the chute.]

Hootie: Hold on tight, Aggie. I'm going down to get Pee-Wee.

Joe: Going down to get Pee-Wee? Is that his way of saying "spanking your monkey"?

Kathy: It's better than saying "choking your chicken".

Ken: [to Joe] Does everything have to be about sex to you?

Joe: Not my fault you don't get any.

Aggie: Okay.

[Now, the pickup scene with G-4 and his buggy. The Phoenix is approaching it. The doors open, the gripper comes out, gets the buggy, and brings it inside the wing pod. The mouth of the buggy opens and G-4 slides out, runs to the chute, and slides down.]

Kathy: [as Pee-Wee] WHEEEEEEEEEE!

Pee-Wee: Okay! Pee-Wee, G-4 is here! Where's the action?

Joe: The usual place, in about ten minutes. Didn't you hear Ace and the Doctor?

Kathy: Isn't he a little young for "action"?

Hootie: If you mean the heavy action, Pee-Wee, it starts now.

Kathy: Wokka-cha-wow!

We're picking up G-2, Dirk Daring. [We see G-2 driving his car, the grippers come out of the nose, and picks up the car. Then he puts it in gear and slides up his chute.]

Ken: Gee, that last scene was awful quiet.

Joe and Kathy: Thank God.

[Ace approaches for his docking.]

Ace: There's the Phoenix, with the other four aboard. Great! Now to maneuver this baby in. [G-1 docks with the Phoenix. Then Hootie goes into the ship and as he's lowered, we get the famous "pan across the screen of the team". ]

Ken: He has to talk himself through the docking procedure? This is not a good commander trait.

Unknown speaker [nobody's mouth moved]: That does it. All present and accounted for!

Ken: Who said that?

Joe: Could they have at least hired voice actors that didn't all sound the same?

Kathy: That would have been too difficult for the producers.

Dr. Brighthead: [from the monitor] Welcome back aboard the Phoenix, G-Force. Sorry to say the UFO believed to be the stegosaur robot

Ken: It's a turtle. T-U-R-T-L-E.

has disappeared from radar. You'll have to find it on your own.

Joe: The world's really in trouble now.

Ace: Roger.

Dr. B: Your mission is not to fight. It is to find Galactor.

Kathy: So they're supposed to follow Galactor around until they find them, but at the same time, not stop them from trashing entire cities and killing people? That makes no sense!

Joe: I try to tell that to Nambu all the time, but do you think he listens to me? No! It's always, 'No, you can't fire the Bird Missiles, Joe' or 'No, you can't destroy their base, Joe' or 'Your mission is to follow Galactor to their headquarters and don't you forget that, Joe'. How in the hell am I supposed to get my revenge on Galactor when all we do is follow them around? Huh? [Joe is livid.]

Ken: Calm down, Joe.

Joe: [puts a feather shuriken in his mouth and starts chewing on it, then he crosses his arms in front of his chest and slouches in his seat] At least SHE understands.

Ace: Yes, Dr. Brighthead. [Dr. B fades from the monitor.]

Joe: This guy's as much of a pantywaist as ours is.

Kathy: Dr. B or Ace?

Joe: I ain't telling.

Ken: Are you implying that I'm a pantywaist, Joe?

Joe: Maybe...

Ken: You take that back! [punches Joe in the face]

Joe: Make me. [returns the punch. Now they are brawling.]

Kathy: [standing up and shouting like a parent who is very, very angry] KNOCK IT OFF, BOTH OF YOU! DON'T MAKE ME SEND YOU TO THE TIME OUT CHAIR!!!

Ken and Joe: [sheepishly] Okay.

Joe: I didn't know you could yell like that.

Kathy: I'm a parent. It comes with the job.

[Pan across the ship. Ace is standing up, Hootie in the pilot's seat. Pee-wee is next to him. In the back sitting next to each other are Aggie and Dirk. Now there is a close-up on Aggie, but Ace is sitting next to her.]

Ken: How'd they change places so fast?

Aggie: I wonder if it will show up?

Ace: Don't worry, Aggie, we'll find it.

Kathy: [as Ace] That EPT test has to be around the ship somewhere.

Ken: WHAT? Why would Ace and Aggie want to find an EPT test? What is an EPT test?

Kathy: It's an early pregnancy test.

Ken: But why would they want to find an early pregnancy test?

Joe: Ken, you are so clueless.

Aggie: You want to find that giant robot so you can engage it in combat, don't you?

Kathy: [as Ace] Yeah, I want to enter it in next season's "Battlebots".

Ace: Sure! I'd like to crush it to pieces. Uh…no! [Aggie is giggling.] I take that back!

Hootie: Hey! What's that down there?

Joe: The ocean, stupid.

Pee-Wee: [playing with his bolos] Hmmm, the sea and the monster. That's weird.

Ace: Hootie! Submerge!

Ken: Yes, Blowfish.

Kathy: No Hootie and the Blowfish jokes. I called it.

Hootie: Roger.

[Phoenix goes underwater. They come across a cave with brown stuff trailing out of it. The ship goes in.]

Kathy: Is it just me or does that brown stuff look like--

Joe: No, it's not just you. It looks like shit.

Dirk: I think this is an underwater passage way leading to one of Earth's secret defense bases.

Kathy: [sarcastically] Gee, ya think so?

Joe: He speaks!

Ken: I guess Dirk must be the "quiet one" of the group.

[The robot shows up and starts trashing said defense base. The backbeat plays again.

Kathy: [singing to the tune of the Backbeat From Hell] This is the song, written for the mech chase.

The stegosaur, trashing their base...

Ken: It's a turtle.

Kathy: [still singing] He tried to kill me with a forklift! Whoo-hoo!

Joe: [to Kathy] Are you sure you're not the one who's been smoking crack?

Kathy: Nope. I'm just a die-hard Mystery Science Theater fan.

Some astronauts or guys in space suits turn and look.]

Joe: Damned rubberneckers!

Astronaut: The stegosaur!

Ken: IT'S A TURTLE, STUPID. WHAT PART OF TURTLE DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

Kathy: None, apparently.

[The stegosaur flies into something and knocks it over.]

Astronaut: There goes our shuttlecraft!

Joe: But it's a rocket.

[A car gets smashed and then we see a missile launcher.]

Unknown voice: Fire!

[Of course, it doesn't do any good. Back underwater, the Phoenix comes out of the cave and starts to surface. They come across the destruction.]

Pee-Wee: Look! We found the stegosaur robot!

Ken: It's a... Nevermind. It's not worth it anymore.

Dirk: Yes, and he's smashing the Earth base to smithereens.

[More destruction is shown. Military guys are kicked aside.]

Dirk: I can't watch this anymore, let's get down there and help out.

Joe: WHAT? What's this "help out" shit? You're supposed to shoot at it, for Christ's sake! [flings a shuriken at Dirk]

Kathy: Jason would shoot at it.

Joe: Who's Jason?

Kathy: It's a long story. I'll tell you later.

Ace: [runs up to Dirk and lays an arm across Dirk's chest.]

Kathy: Acting!

Hold it! Dirk, you can't disobey orders!

Joe: [as Dirk] Watch me, dickweed.

Dirk: It's an emergency, Ace. We've got to get into that steel reptile and blow the thing all apart immediately.

Ken: [as Dirk] Or next Friday if you're schedule's full.

Ace: Our orders are not to engage in combat, but to locate Galactor's headquarters as you may remember. Hootie! You get us out of here before we're spotted and blown apart.

Kathy: Maybe they should change his name to "Ace Windbag". He never shuts up!

Ken: Doesn't look like it.

Joe: And I thought Ken's speeches went on forever.

Ken: Hey!

Dirk: I hope you're making the right decision, Ace. [stares at Ace.]

Ken: [as Dirk] You know, Coke vs. Pepsi.

Ace: [stares back at Dirk.] I hope so, too, Dirk.

Kathy: [as Ace] But I'm still convinced that Betamax is the wave of the future.

[The stegosaur is rising from the fire.]

Aggie: Ace, the stegosaur robot! Heading right for the city!

Kathy: They're speaking in sentence fragments. Armageddon's here!

Ace: [turning to the monitor] Aw!

Pee-Wee: That poor city! It will be totally destroyed!

Ken: What about my will to live? That's slowly being destroyed. Give some sympathy to me!

Joe: They're the ones destroying your will to live. Why would they feel sorry for you?

Kathy: Hang on, we'll get through this.

Aggie: Ace, you and I have to get inside that monster robot.

[Stegosaur is flying over a city. The backbeat from hell is playing.]

Hootie: [wiping his nose with his finger]

Kathy: So that's where Ryu's booger weapon came from!

Joe: What booger weapon?

Kathy: Oops! Just forget I mentioned anything.

Why risk your life, Aggie? I'll go with Ace.

Pee-Wee: You're needed here.

Joe: [as Pee-Wee] Someone has to laugh at danger from safe within the ship.

I'd better go.

Aggie: That ship is carrying uranium and I'm in charge of dangerous substances.

Joe: Like Hootie's underwear?

Kathy: Or Pee-Wee's booger collection?

Ken: That's disgusting.

Dirk: Look! Why don't we just blast that flying reptile with our bird missile. [reaches for the red button]

Ace: Hold it! [grabs Dirk by the wrist in a rather dramatic fashion.]

Ken: [as Dirk in a "deep" damsel in distress voice] Unhand me, you brute!

Joe: Jesus Christ... [shakes head in disgust, then looks up.] What the hell have I ever done to You?

Dirk: What are we waiting for?

Kathy: [as Ace] Christmas.

Ace: Hootie, get as close as you can to it.

Kathy: Aren't you glad you use Dial?

Joe: Don't you wish Hootie did?

Ken: Why all this hostility towards Hootie?

Joe: Let's see: He's got the worst name of the bunch and they removed all of G-5's likable personality traits. Is that good enough for you?

Ken: I see your point.

Dirk: [enthusiastically, with the wrong kind of enthusiasm given the situation] The two of us will fly there!

Joe: Would that be to the "usual place"?

Kathy: I'm sure the Fan Fic People will have fun with this.

Ken: Who are these "Fan Fic People"?

Kathy: Uh...Long story. I'll explain it later.

Ace: No, Dirk.

Ken: [as Ace] I don't swing that way!

Kathy: That's not what Dr. Brighthead says!

Joe: If Ace is anything like Ken, he doesn't swing "any" way.

Ken: Hey!

Aggie and I. She's right about dangerous substances.

[The Phoenix flies under the stegosaur. Ace and Aggie rise up into the bubble. The bubble opens.]

Ace: You ready, Aggie?

Aggie: Yeah.

[Spread their wings]

Ace: G-Force!

Aggie: Fly!

[The two of them fly up and somersault and land on the robot's antenna.]

Ace: Into that ventilator shaft.

Aggie: Roger.

Kathy: I'm glad they're not saying "Big Ten".

Ken: Who says that?

Kathy: Long story. I'll explain it later.

[They sneak inside the ship and through a door and into a room. Two green goons turn around.]

Goon 1: Who's there?

Kathy: Candygram.

[Ace punches him. Aggie launches her yo-yo bomb at the other one. The two stand among the bodies of the Galactor soldiers, and Aggie is playing with her yo-yo and humming.]

Ace: Nice work, Aggie. You may have saved my life with that yo-yo.

Joe: [as Aggie] I was aiming for your head, Ace.

Aggie: [holstering the yo-yo and speaking in a somewhat suggestive tone of voice] You owe me one.

Kathy: [as Aggie] How about tonight at the "usual place"?

Ace: I sure do.

Kathy [as Ace] I know, I know. I'll pay you that ten bucks I owe you, Aggie, after I get paid on Thursday when I cash the check that Dr. Brighthead writes out for me.

Joe: Sound familiar, Ken?

Ken: What? Hey!

Joe: By the way, Ken, you still owe me 20 bucks.

Aggie [flying up]: Ace, I'll look for the uranium up here.

Ace [flying down]: I'll look for it down here.

Kathy: But who's going to look for it over there?

[Aggie climbs up into a room, the room where the controls for the monster's laser guns are.]

Aggie: Wow! That's some laser!

Joe: [as Aggie]: I wonder if it will get rid of that tattoo I got last spring break and all my unwanted hair.

[scene shows Ace looking for the uranium down below.] It's aimed through the monster's eyes.

Kathy: Ace sounds really feminine in this scene.

Joe: Well--

Ken: Don't even start, Joe.

That's how they navigate!

Ken: The ship's navigation system is tied to it's weaponry? Who was the lame-o that designed that ship?

Kathy: Ted Turner.

Ace: The uranium isn't here. Where is it?

[Aggie starts rigging the laser's controls. The Phoenix is seen flying around the robot. The Commander of the week is watching. This commander appears to be wearing a mask which looks like a cross between an octopus and a cat.]

Kathy: What's he supposed to be? Hello Cthulhu?

Commander: That must be part of Earth's defense force. I'll teach them not to interfere with the force of Galactor. [starts aiming its lasers at the Phoenix.]

Commander: Heh! I'll blast those Earth defenders from the sky with Galactor's Invincible Ruby Red Beam.

Ken: Why does the name of their weapon sound like it could be the name of a mixed drink?

Joe: [muttering] I could use a drink right about now.

[Aggie is setting up her bomb]

Aggie: I'll just switch these wires around.

Ken: No, Aggie! Wrong wire! That causes the Turtle King to broadcast the song "It's a Small World" to every television and radio frequency on Earth!

Kathy: Oh, the humanity!

[Phoenix flying around the robot and being centered in some crosshairs. Aggie finishes rigging up the bomb and escapes. The commander pushes the button but the laser blows up.]

Commander: Hey! There's something wrong with the Invincible Ruby Red Beam!

Joe: [as Commander] And the warranty's expired!

Kathy: It's not so invincible now, is it?

[to goons] Check it out!

[Ace pushes a button to open a large hatch. The Phoenix flies inside the monster.]

Pee-Wee: They've done it!

Hootie: Great! Fasten your seatbelts! We're going in!

[The ship goes in and for a few seconds, the nose cone changes from red to blue and back to red again.

Ken: Hey, the nose changed color!

Kathy: Must be camouflage.

The ship lands and Dirk, Hootie, and Pee-Wee appear in the bubble. The bubble opens up and they fly out, landing near by.]

Ace: We checked out the ship thoroughly.

Joe: Thoroughly my ass! Two rooms is not thorough.

No uranium.

Kathy: [as Ace] But we did find where Galactor keeps his My Little Pony collection.

Hootie: Then we went through all this just to spin our wheels.

Ace: No! Aggie did a great job disabling them. Now let's clear out of here before we get ourselves into trouble.

Pee-Wee: Gee, I think we're turning back at the halfway point. [hears laughter and looks up. The team is surrounded by goons on all the different levels of the ship.]

Kathy: Oh poopie! They're in deep doo-doo now!

Joe: Nah, Ace will start talking and then all the goons will fall asleep from listening to him go on and on. Either that or they'll shoot themselves.

Ace: Galactor's men! Those guys are human!

Ken: [sarcastically] No, really? I thought they were cows!

Joe and Kathy: Moo.

Pee-Wee: Good! That makes our job easier!

Kathy: Do you realize what you just said?

Doesn't it?

Ace [though the scene shows Dirk]: The alien has humans helping him.

Joe: And the alien needs all the help he can get.

Dirk: We now have no choice but to disobey orders.

Kathy: Come on, Ace. You know you want to. Just one puff. Everybody's doing it!

Ace: You're right, this time.

Commander: You kids took some chance. You took some chance invading Galactor's mighty robot. Who are you brats and why are you dressed in those strange bird-like costumes?

Ken: Those who live in glass houses...

Ace: There are five of us, but at times we fly as one.

[The team forms their version of the Tornado Fighter.]

Ace: We guard space and defend the Earth from attackers from space.

Pee-Wee: We fight for justice throughout the Milky Way.

Joe: For rich, creamy nougat and caramel!

Commander: Your name?

Kathy: Ray Jay Johnson.

Ken and Joe give Kathy a strange look.

Ken: Huh?

Joe: What the hell are you talking about?

Kathy: Nevermind.

Ace: What's our name? Our name is G-Force!

Commander: So you're G-Force?

Kathy: No, G-Force is Mark, Jason, Princess, Keyop, and Tiny.

Ken: There's another G-Force?

Kathy: Yeah, but that G-Force is much better than these guys.

Pee-Wee: G-Force! We're a tornado! [they start spinning around like a tornado. Goons and guns and such get blown around.]

Kathy: You are many, many things. Tornado is the least of them.

Ken: Can we sue?

Joe: Sue? I'd rather just beat the hell out of them.

Commander and goons: Aaaagggghhhhhh! Aggghhhhhhh! Aghhh!

Ken: Do they have to have all of them moan in pain? We get the point!

Joe: Yes, because this show was written by crack addicted, no talent, hack writers.

[Everyone pauses and looks at each other for ten seconds or so.]

Kathy: You said today's secret word!

All: AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

[The pyramid goes up and the goons continue to moan.]

Commander: All right! Cut off that wind!

Kathy: Deploy Beano!

Joe: Did Hootie fart again?

Ken: You guys...

[Pyramid breaks apart and the team beats up on the goons. There's a lot of grunting and moaning as the goons get tossed around. Two goons fall, hit the bottom floor, bounce, and fall out the open hatch.]

Kathy: Boingy-boingy-boingy!

Joe: [to Kathy] That's a pretty sick remark for a woman.

Ken: [to Kathy] You're a woman?

Kathy: [glares at Ken] Yes. Would you like me to take off all my clothes to prove it?

Joe: [with a wicked grin] You could prove it to me.

Kathy: No thank you. I value my life and so does my husband.

Joe: You're no fun. [crosses his arms over his chest and mutters] I finally find a chick who's neither a Galactor nor a cyborg and she has to be married.

Ken: [smirking] And nearly twice your age, too.

Kathy and Joe: Shut up, Ken.

[Now, various shots of each member of the team taking on some goons. Aggie tosses her yo-yo, Pee-Wee throws his bolos, and Dirk pins a goon to the wall with two feather shuriken, then punches the goon with gleeful abandon.

Ken: I think he's enjoying that a little too much.

Joe: It's a good stress reliever.

Hootie knocks down a row of goons.

Kathy: Le-e-e-e-e-et's bowl!

Of course, the boomerang is thrown and that famous pose is struck.]

[In another room, the commander is speaking with Galactor.]

Commander: I beg your forgiveness, Great Galactor.

Joe: Everyone on this show should be begging OUR forgiveness!

Ken: They named the guy after the organization?

Galactor: And so you have failed.

Commander: [groveling] Yes, sir. How should we deal with these kids called G-Force?

Kathy: Send them to their rooms and take away their video games.

Galactor: Ah, I shall consult Computor.

[Galactor turns to the Big Blue Chicken]

Ken: Is that supposed to be Sosai X? He looks like a big blue chicken!

Joe: I think he looks more like a butane flame with eyes.

Galactor: Computor, our humans have not been able to defend the stegosaur against G-Force.

Computor: [speaks in an monotonous, synthesized voice] This I predict: G-Force will be the greatest obstacle our planet faces in the conquest of Earth.

Galactor: More than Earth's armies?

Joe: But the Navy, Air Force, and Marines are another matter.

Computor: More. G-Force's agents are young, but their power is great. Enough to ruin our plan.

Galactor: I shall destroy the ship The Stegosaur and she'll go down to a watery grave and take G-Force with her.

Ken: Or pawn the job off on your minions.

[Head detaches from Stegosaur.]

Ace: Get aboard the Phoenix and let's go after that head full speed. [team drops down near the ship.]

[on the head/escape craft]

Commander: Huh…all right G-Force, you fly like birds, let's see you fly out of this. [pushes a button] I set the timer back there in the main section of the stegosaur. In just a few seconds, it will set off an explosion. [G-Force running to the Phoenix, going past the time bomb.] Good-bye G-Force!

Joe: [in announcer voice] Yes, you, too can become a master at expository dialogue through my seminar, How To Write Like The Writers of G-Force: Guardians of Space.

Kathy: You know, they really didn't need to match the lip flaps so precisely.

[The team reaches the ship and all of them except for Hootie get on the top platform. Hootie gets into the ship in some side entrance and starts the take-off procedure for the Phoenix. The others are lowered inside the ship.]

[The Phoenix starts to exit the ship, but at that moment, all power in the robot's body is lost and the Phoenix is knocked backwards. G-Force is knocked around on impact.]

Ace: Agh! We didn't clear! We're trapped in the stegosaur and going down.

All: No DUH!

[Hootie is trying to reach the controls to get control of the Phoenix back. He does and the Phoenix starts it's escape, but the hatch door is closing. The ship almost makes it out, but one of the wing pods gets caught in the door.]

Ace: We're stuck! Hootie, convert the ship to firebird mode.

Aggie: [looking at Ace like he's been smoking crack.] What?

Pee-Wee: [same expression] Huh?

Dirk: Ace, you know what can happen if we do that!

Ken: [as Dirk] It'll mess up my hair!

Ace: I know, Dirk. The ship can blow itself apart under the great pressure that builds while she's transforming. But what option do we have?

Joe: You could always try "The Final Option."

[Shot of the wing pod stuck in the door and the Phoenix trying to break free.]

Ace: The ship's caught. To remain here means we sentence ourselves and the Phoenix to certain destruction. We must convert to Firebird Mode.

Kathy: Thank you for the update, Commander Exposition.

[Now everyone looks at Ace like he's been smoking crack. On the monitor, the ground is coming up ever so closer.]

Dirk [sitting in the captain's chair]: Firebird Mode! [pushes a lever] Firebird!

[Needle on a gauge moves up.]

Ace: Quick Hootie! Shove that throttle all the way up to the red zone.

Joe: Way to go, dumb ass! You just shifted it into reverse and dropped the transmission!

[Transformation sequence with much grimacing from the team and alternating shots of the Phoenix's gauges and the timer on the time bomb.

Kathy: So when you guys do this, does it hurt as much as it looks like?

Ken and Joe: Yes.

The mech falls and explodes. At the point of explosion, the backbeat from hell plays in the background.]

[There is animated smoke, then film of colored smoke,

Ken: Hey! That's film!

and then the pieces of the mech fall into the ocean. Meanwhile, the Commander is flying away in the robot's head.]

Commander: [laughs]

[More filmed smoke.]

Joe: There's that film again.

Commander: [looking up] Hey? What in thunder's going on over there? [sees a mass of flame emerging from the animated smoke and flames.]

Ken: 'What in thunder?' [snickers]

Kathy: Thundercats! HOOOOOOO!!!

Ace: We did it, gang! Firebird mode!

Kathy: Shouldn't he be out cold now?

[The mass of flame takes the shape of a firebird.]

Ace: Galactor, watch out! G-Force is alive and well and we're on your trail.

All: SHUT UP!

[The firebird flies off into the sunset.]

End Credits [with the awful theme song playing]

Voice Director: Fred Ladd

Ken: There was voice direction? Where?

Joe: To hell.

Music Editor: Dean Andre

Kathy: He pushed the button on the Casio keyboard.

Post-Production: Bruce Austin Productions

Joe: Bruce Austin, Television Producer.

Kathy: Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology.

Ken: We have the capability to make the world's biggest MORONIC producer.

Joe: Bruce Austin will be that man. Dumber than he was before.

Kathy: Drooling. Dumber. Clueless.

Video Tape Editor: Kurt Tiegs

For Turner Program Services: Prudence Eddy

Ken: Prudence Clearwater Revival! Live in Concert!

A Sparklin' Entertainment Production.

Kathy: Sparklin'-ly crappy!

G-Force

Produced in association with Tatsunoko Production Co. LTD

[seahorse logo here]

Copyright MCMLXXXVI

Sandy Frank Syndication, Inc.

Ken: Sure, blame Sandy Frank for this. Fob the blame on someone else.

Kathy: [singing badly] Sandy Frank. Sandy Frank. Gads about the house all day.

Ken: [giving Kathy a strange look] I don't get you.

Kathy: Nobody does. I'm the wind, baby.

All Rights Reserved.

Joe: I'm sure people are clamoring to steal this.

Distributed by King Features Entertainment

A Subsidiary of the Hearst Corporation.

Kathy: William Randolph Hearst must be spinning in his grave.

[Exit Theater]

[The trio emerge from the theater laughing.]

Joe: God, what shitty names!

Ken: Tell me about it. Ace Goodheart? Makes me want to go right up to him and give him an atomic wedgie.

Kathy: And I haven't even told you guys how I was cruelly deceived by this show and Cartoon Network. That was a horrible day.

Ken: Why did someone do this to us? And have to air it on television? We have reputations to maintain.

Kathy: I don't know, Ken. Pray that we never have to see Eagle Riders. I heard that one's worse. Thankfully, I've never seen it.

Joe: But what I want to know is, who is this Jason and who are these "Fan Fic People". It's later now.

Kathy: Well...[leans over and whispers into Joe's ear.]

Joe: WHAT??? Me and...

Kathy: And I haven't even mentioned the ones with you and Ken.

Ken and Joe: WHAT?

Kathy: Nevermind. [changes subject] Now what about that infernal backbeat? [They all start laughing again. Then Katse interrupts them.]

Katse: What's this? You're laughing?

Ken: Yeah, thanks for sending us the comedy. My gut hurts from laughing so hard!

Katse: This can't be right! You're supposed to be broken and weeping and ready to confess all the secrets of the Kagaku Ninja Tai!

Joe: You can't break us. We're too strong for that!

Katse: Well, then, if I can't break you one way, I'll do it another. [reaches over to a button and presses it. Everything goes dark.]

All: NOOOOOOOOO!

This presentation of Mystery Gatch Theater 3000 was written by Kathy the Fan Girl, directed by Kathy the Fan Girl, and produced by Kathy the Fan Girl. Assistant Producer was Donnovan Sunrider.

Mystery Gatch Theater 3000 is an Assorted Weirdness Presentation.

Stinger: Galactor Villain of the Week: Who are you brats and why are you dressed in those strange, birdlike costumes?

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