Kingdom Hearts Fan Fiction ❯ At the Psychiatrist ❯ We Need to Talk ( Prologue )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

The Prologue, in which: the psyhiatrist bashes fanfiction-net, Utada Hikaru needs to talk, the psychos are introduced, Sora is a Pooh fanatic, Riku wears a gay dress, Axel tries to light a match with his nonexistent telepathic powers, Jack takes a photo, and... Roxas sings Hakuna Matata.
AkuRoku and SoRiku is mild for now. It WILL be heavy later on!

Non Anime: Kingdom Hearts Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Mystery / Romance | Type: Shounen-ai | Uploaded On: 03.27.2008 | Updated On: 04.03.2008 | Pages: 4 | Words: 5.5K | Visits: 223 | Status: Work In Progress

Warnings: Raw humor plays the greatest part here. You can consider me a total dumbass when it comes to Final Fantasy - I never played it! I just got to know a few things about its characters from Wiki and other fanfictions.

Pairings: AkuRoku, SoRiku, other crazy pairings I won't mention since they're minor.

YOU HAVETO READ ALL THE UNDERLINED+BOLD NOTES FROM NOW ON, EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK YOU DON'T NEED TO - YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY WRONG.

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At the Psychiatrist

-Prologue-

There are a lot of reasons explaining why Jackwell Greengrass hated FanFiction-net so much. Listing them would be futile, but he tried anyway, just to kill his time.

1. TOO MANY YAOI FANGIRLS.

What the fuck?! Why do girls like gay love so much? Not that he was against it or anything, but almost every single fucking story was about two or more guys falling in love with each other! And what's worse? Please read point number 2.

2. HE WAS FORCED TO READ THEM.

Believe it or not, he was, like, the only guy around the site... most likely. In fact, all the authors he knew from FF-net were 16 years old hormonal, crazy girls... But then again, it's easy to hide your identity and all. Hell, you could pass him as a 25 years old perverted guy who just came back home from a rather sweaty visit to a gay bar, now wanting nothing but to drop on his chair and browse through millions and billions of M-rated fanfics, all containing two very hot guys having hardcore butt-sex on a couch with lights turned off and windows open to the moonlight and all that `romantic' jazz... Not that Jack would ever want to call all this `romantic'; he was sure there was another word for it. And oh, by the way, was not what you just read as being... Why is he wasting his time? No one would believe him anyway.

Anyway. As said before, he was forced to read these stories. Why is he even complaining about this? It's not like anyone will ever understand how he feels. If anyone thinks they do, then they should fuck off. How can anybody possibly know how it feels to have half of the female population of your very big family and friends being part of Internet's giga-enourmous Yaoi Kingdom? All of his female cousins and aunts and friends were members of a large number of yaoi communities in FF-net and other sites (like the y!Gallery, for example). And being his relatives, they literally tied him to a chair in front of the computer and glued his eyelids open, compelling him to beta-read story after story. So yeah, he was a beta-reader to be specific, and the only advantage he got from it was the money. But then again, he was dead rich already! What did he need more money for, for fuck's sake?!

3. FF-NET HATES `FANCY' PUNCTUATIONS.

Since he was a trusted beta-reader, he also had the responsibility to post stories from several accounts. And when, after hours and hours of proofreading, he finally got to publish some fucking story, he'd just click the little `Preview' link, and all his feelings of happiness would slowly start to thaw... So that in the end, he'd have to clean up the mess and start all... over... again!

Jack stopped writing furiously in his journal (J-O-U-R-N-A-L, not DIARY! He didn't keep diaries!), bringing his head up to see the person who decided to barge into his room in the middle of his `LEAVE-ME-ALONE!' sessions. Just as he was about to scream at whomever to get the hell out of his room, he froze.

There in the doorway stood Hikaru Utada in all her magnificence.

“We need to talk.”

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Did you know that beta-reading was only Jack's part-time job? This is such a dumb question. Of course you didn't. But this question was anyway asked to imply something... Yes, you guessed it! Well, some of you did, probably... The point here is that Jack considers beta-reading a hobby... a painful and forced one, yes, but it still was a hobby. Something he did in his spare time. Which means that usually, he's busy with something more important to do... like a job. Yeah, he definitely did have a job.

As a psychiatrist.

... Didn't see that one coming did you? You were probably imagining poor little Jackie being a psycho himself after reading the first part of this chapter...

Back to the story.

Jack sighed deeply and took out his small journal. Neatly, he started writing.

“Saturday, August 10th, 2007... Since I was a little kid, I always wanted to become a pirate serial killer... Then, when I started 4th grade, I figured out that I wouldn't last long because the police would capture me and lock me in a prison and I'd die of old age... NU-UH, NEVER! Somebody please tell me why that blond guy is staring at me grinning like an idiot.”

Indeed, when he looked up, he saw a blond guy who was staring at him grinning like an idiot. He read his name tag: Hayner. What an... an... an effeminate name.

“I was writing, in 4th grade I started thinking that I could become someone who studies animals, like a vet or a biologist or something, so that I could legally kill whatever animal I wanted to kill... especially pigs. Killing pigs is fun. Then in 6th Grade I changed my mind again, this time about killing... I started to become terrified of the word kill since I was about to be killed myself (by a fire-fighter by the way), so I decided I'd become a biologist just for the sake of it... Oh, and I also became vegetarian. After 8th grade in some American middle school, I went to a British high school... and discovered that the system of education there is different, so I effin had to start 8th grade all over again! And what does that have to do with my main topic? No idea... So, anyway, I changed my mind again (for some weird reason better left untold) and thought, hey, why not, I could become a psychiatrist like... like... like my best friend's mother! But I never thought that I'd have to face a group of psychos like this one here... AGAIN.' (1)

He squinted at the word `AGAIN'. Wow, he practically wrote his autobiography in one page...

Jack looked at the gathering of people around the enormous office. Their heads came in many colors: black, chestnut, blond, red, violet, pink, blue, silver… Everyone had a different hairstyle as well: there was this guy who had his hair so spiky that he looked like a red porcupine. Then there was this blonde lady with grasshopper antennas… And don't forget the wide size variations: the smallest of the patients was shorter than a meter, his lone lacklustre, round eyes visible under a wizard hat. The tallest one was this etiolated woman with mauve lips and a dull wand and the mien of `mean ol' witch'. Then came the sundry clothing, then the queer body structures, and then the awkward names. Jack had always had quite a memory, so he easily remembered their names. He bit his lips and looked over at Hayner, who was still grinning maniacally. It was useless to say that...

“I. AM. TERRIFIED.”

He shut his journal and got up from his chair. He sat on his desk instead, and cleared his throat.

"Ahem... Good morning everyone!"

"GOOD MORNING SOMEBODY-I-DON'T-KNOW!" shouted a boy called Sora, who was holding a rubber version of Winnie the Pooh and jumping on his seat.

Some of the others imitated him (especially that pixie blonde dudette, observed Jack), and the rest either replied with a quiet 'good morning' or didn't reply at all.

Jack rested his chin on the palm of his right hand and shook it lightly.

“Soooooooo...” he started, “I'm Jackwell Gree-... Oh, you know what, never mind, just call me Jack-sensei.”

A blond boy with a mixture between a flat-top and a Mohawk jumped on his chair and screamed, “HELLO JACKIE-SENSEEEEEEEEI!”

Sora and Rikku (the pixie blonde dudette from before) followed suit. Jack gulped at his new name.

“Umm...” Jack bit his lips, trying to determine what to say next. “I guess we're all feeling fine here, aren't we?”

“HAAAAAAAAAAAAI, JACKIE-SENSEEEEEEEEI!”

“Yep!” Jack clapped his hands, finally smiling. “So let's see, today we're going to talk to each other about... our dreams!” he decided. “Who wants to be first?”

“MEEEEE!” shouted Sora.

“MEEEEEEE!” shouted more loudly Rikku.

“MEEEEEEEEEEE!” shouted even more loudly Demyx.

“PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!” concluded Pooh, after being squeezed too hard by his owner.

Jack was sure that he could've sweat-dropped anime style here. Talk about crazy with a capital C. He decided that he would not have any one of the three talking. Instead, his wandering finger pointed to a cute redhead girl sitting in one of the front seats. She looked normal, with her short burgundy bangs accompany her innocent, navy eyes. He reckoned so since she hadn't uttered a word yet, and she had a reassuring smile on her face. But then again, Mr. Ansem the Wise said that all of them needed instant recovery, no matter how innocent they looked.

“Kairi-chan, you wanna start?”

Said girl beamed at him.

“Of course, Jackie-sensei!”

Jack quickly changed his mind about her; did she just wink at him?!

“Weeeeell,” she started, “You see, yesterday I had a dream...”

“No, really?!” Riku, a guy with bleached silver hair (it was definitely not his natural hair color, thought Jack) hissed.

He took his time in realizing that everyone turn to stare at him.

“I was saying!” screeched Kairi, glaring at Riku, who gave her the finger. "I had a dream where I was sitting on the beach and yawning and looking at some starfish, then I was sitting on a paopu trunk with Sora and Riku and then Riku and I kinda melted away!"

“Nooo!” whispered Sora, dropping Pooh on the floor and clinging desperately to his neighbor, Roxas, who eyed him tenaciously.

Jack nodded.

“Hmm. Interesting. Then what happened to Sora-kun?”

“He jumped from the tree!” Kairi shrieked.

“Wow!” exclaimed Demyx.

“Did he die?” Roxas asked with a sore throat, trying to get Sora off him.

“Well, I thought he was going to die,” Kairi pouted, “But he ended up on some iceberg with a yellow-dressed dog,” she pointed at a yellow-dressed dog, “And a duck with a blue hat,” she pointed at a duck with a blue hat, “And a bigass key.”

Jack didn't know why Mr. Ansem would think that a dog and a duck needed mental supervision. But he did know that they weren't the only... animals... in here. In a seat between them sat a disproportioned mouse with a crown and his... wife. On her lap, two squirrels wearing aprons, and at her feet, a yellow dog was snoring loudly. He monitored his patients again, and noticed a red... dragon-looking thing, a bunch of lions, a baboon, a pig, a... something that looked like a monkey, a monkey, and... WHATEVER! Let's get back to Kairi.

“Then there were other flying icebergs and Sora was jumping on them, and then he found me!”

Kairi now was in the verge of tears.

“Oooooh!” a girl called Olette cooed passionately, and Rikku and her felloiw pixie friend Yuna started to sing.

“Youuuuu found me when no one else was looking, how did you know just where I would beeeee! Yeah, youuuuu broke through all of my confusion, then you did something and something and something, I guess that you saw what nobooooody could see, you found meeeee!”

Almost all the girls (including a guy with pink hair who looked like a girl) were crying along.

Kairi sobbed, “You found meeeee, Sora!”

Sora peered from behind Roxas's shirt.

“I did...?”

Riku sniggered. Jack faked to dry off a tear from his face.

“Ah, the power of music...” he sighed slowly, “Kelly Clarkson is the best!”

He didn't really mean that; Natasha Bedingfield is so way cooler than that slut.

“Kairi-chan, please continue.”

“I think I was dead, and Sora was so worked up at waking me!” She said sorrowfully, while Sora's mouth took the shape of a perfectly round 'O'. “Then Sora looked behind and saw Riku cross-dressing...”

Riku looked stunned.

“'Scuse me?!”

Jack hushed him.

“What was his dress like, Kairi-chan?”

Kairi gulped.

“It was...”

“It was?”

“It was...” Kairi gulped again, “It was reaaaaally gay!”

“NOOOOO!” Sora screamed, and Axel, the red porcupine guy who all this time was trying to light a match with the power of telepathy, joined in.

Roxas violently fell from his chair and found himself in a rather intimate position with Sora crawling on top of him. Axel and Riku immediately got up and started stomping on Sora's and Roxas's asses respectively (as in Axel was kicking Sora and Riku was kicking Roxas). Everyone else gathered around them in a circle and started to cheer.

Suddenly, they all stopped when they heard a click and saw a flash of light. Jack put down his camera.

“You see,” he smirked, “The eye is an organ adapted to sense light. However, the amount of light that enters the eye must be carefully controlled for the eye to function properly. This is achieved through altering the diameter of the pupil.”

It is needless to say that Riku blinked not only because of the previous light shock, but also in confusion.

“Say wha?”

“The pupil usually becomes large when the surrounding light intensity is low,” Jack recited as an explanation, his face morphing into that of a physics professor boring the class to no end with his objective tone. “And it becomes smaller when the light intensity is high - a reflex action. Sometimes the light may be so bright that decreasing the size of the pupil is not enough, and that's where the camera comes along.”

He grinned around the room. Blank eyes were staring at him quite dumbly. He sighed.

“In short, a flash camera is a very useful device to attract everyone's attention!” he exclaimed. “Now, Axel-kun, Riku-kun, please do stop kicking poor Sora-kun and Roxas-kun. You two OK?”

“No,” was the obvious reply from Roxas.

Jack didn't mind, “Uhuh,” he scribbled down something on a notepad he was holding at the moment, “Over… lee… this... tour... bed.”

Roxas got up, a whimpering Sora still clinging to him.

“Just what the hell!” he shouted exasperatedly to Sora, “Why are you being such a sticky dumbass!?”

Sora sniffed, “Axel just won't stop glaring at me!”

Roxas's piercing indigoes glazed at Axel, who started laughing nervously

“Hehe... I... uh...” the man scratched his head, trying desperately to find a reasonable reason why he was glaring at the brunet, “I... I wasn't glaring! I just though Sora had... cute eyes! So I was just... staring deeply! Not glaring!”

Roxas looked at him surprised, and then let out a big breath.

Jack nodded, “Everyone here should take from Roxas-kun. Breath in,” he inhaled some air with his nose and waited five seconds before exhaling. “Breath out.”

Everyone imitated him, but because Xaldin was trying to beat Xigbar at 'who could breath more air', he nearly suffocated.

“No... comment...” Jack scribbled down. “Kairi-chan, what did Riku-kun do with such a gay dress?”

“Oh!” Kairi jumped and resumed her tale, while Riku shot a glare at his current doctor. “He asked Sora to take his hand!”

Shouts of belief, disbelief, and something in-between were heard throughout the room. Sora started to hyperventilate, and Roxas just sat there humming the tune of Hakuna Matata. Riku was red in face.

“I DID NOT!” he protested while standing from his chair and pointing a trembling, accusing finger at his former arch enemy.

“YES YOU DID!” Kairi was now pointing too and glaring at him, “BUT LUCKY SORA, HE DIN'T GIVE YOU HIS HAND, AND YOU GOT PWNED BY HIS BIGASS KEY!”

Riku widened his eyes.

“YAY!” Sora shouted, hugging Roxas as tightly as he could.

“NO!” Axel mourned, Jack noted, for some weird reason or maybe no reason at all.

“YES!” Kairi continued her mad rant. “THEN YOU JUMPED INTO A LAKE AND DROWNED...”

Riku held his breath.

“BUT THEN CAME OUT LOOKING DIFFERENT... YOU LOOKED LIKE HIM!” she pointed at Xemnas.

Xemnas hung his mouth wide open, “Me? My same face?”

“Yep!” Kairi nodded.

“My same eyes?”

“Yep!”

“My same hair?”

“Ye- no, actually...” Kairi instantly went fiddling with her fingers timidly, “You put some gel on...”

A scar-faced guy, also known as Saix, was drooling all over the floor.

Just as rapidly she had quieted herself, she looked up grinning maniacally, “HE PWND YOU TOO, BOHAHAHAHA!”

“Spy... rits... are... all... ways... with... eww...” Jack's pen continued its course, seemingly unaffected by the developing tumult.

“Then... then... a door opened!” Kairi squealed eagerly, “And Jackie-Sensei clicked his camera!”

Jack looked up from his notepad. What did he have to do with her dreams?!

“You just met him...” a young man whose nametag read Zexion seemed to read Jack's mind.

“And Riku-Xemnas became blind!” Kairi was so overjoyed that she didn't hear Zexion, “Riku dressed back to normal and became mute like a giraffe...”

“Why, you...” Riku gritted his teeth.

“And Sora hugged me!” concluded Kairi, smiling... sweetly... at Jack.

Jack narrowed his eyes at his added notes.

"Sheesh... a... strait... one... defy... neatly... a... voyd... hair."

He closed his notepad.

Everyone stared at him, begging for an instruction. Except for Roxas, who just waited for things to happen and continued humming Hakuna Matata.

Jack walked over to the door and opened it. He smiled tiredly.

"What are you waiting for, guys?" although his voice was raucous, it overpowered the ringing sound of the bell. "It's break time."

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(1) With the word `again' I didn't mean to say that Jack is facing the KH group again, but a group of very crazy psychos again. In short, he has faced one already in his past, and he didn't think there could be another one (crazier than the one he met) in the world. Also, I wanted to point out that the `KH group' consists of some of the KH characters, not all of them.

Authoress'S Notes: 2902 words long. If following chapters are shorter than this, shoot Sora cookies at me.

TMES: I own Jack.

Jack: Pfft. She mentioned stuff from Bleach. No ownies. Utada Hikaru is there for additional humor. You'll understand her part in later chapters.

R&R!

COMMENT, ASK QUESTIONS, STATE OUT DISCOVERIES, POINT OUT MISTAKES, COMPLAIN!

WARN US IF THE STORY IS WAY TOO CONFUSING! TELL US WHERE!