Kingdom Hearts Fan Fiction ❯ Cannon Add-In ❯ Cannon Add-In ( One-Shot )

Canon Add-In

 

Morgana Maeve

 

Because it's funny, dammit.

 

Yes, this is supposed to make you wince. If you -headdesk- even once, I've done my job.

 

Disclaimer 1 - The Kingdom Hearts series belong to Square Enix and Disney. I make no profit from this.

 

Disclaimer 2 - I am not targeting any one author or any one Mary-Sue. The beast is my own creation. I'm just targeting the general population of Mary-Sue's. If you feel victimized, go complain and whine about it on your web-blog or your MySpace or whatever it is you use.

 

(I suggest listening to Fiona Apple's amazing cover of Sally's Song while reading this. You'll see why.)

 

*~[--]---------_--_-

 

The sun was a blazing gobbet of pure ruby in the cloudless, sapphire sky of Destiny Islands. Hues of pinks, purples, and oranges stained the lower expansion of the horizon, painting the clear, aquamarine ocean in mirroring shades of red, orange, and pink. A warm breeze caused the emerald leaves of the palm trees to shift restlessly, upsetting gulls and the occasional coconut. Frothy waves caressed the shoreline, turning the goldenrod color of the sand to a muted russet peppered with creamy shells from the deep, displaced by the waves to be found by an attentive beach-comber.

 

Somewhere beyond the foamy waves, something disturbingly body-shaped floated, bobbing up and down on the swells of the water. A seagull alighted upon it, and as it landed in something horribly red and sticky, it cawed in dismay and took off, leaving Kairi to float away alone, a rather large and sharp-looking conch shell lodged in her chest.

 

Back on the beach, another lone figure lay sprawled on the shoreline, the waves cresting above and around long, shapely legs that were alabaster white and spotless. The feet, buried beneath trapped sand were just as perfect as the legs, small and also very white, with flawlessly painted nails. Following the legs in the other direction, they rose to meet a delicately thin torso with an incredibly small waist and curvy hips (though these were kept at a minimum), and a bust that could serve as buoys if they were ever called upon to do such. Her neck was slender, also devoid of any type of color besides white, and connected a beautiful face (white) to the rest of her body. The face had a myriad of wonderful feature; plump red lips sat over a finely shaped chin, a petite nose graced the middle of her face, and large almond-shaped eyes the color of preservative-imbued honey, rimmed with long, curling, rich, luxuriant lashes, peeked out from underneath thick, silver-blonde bangs. The same silver-blonde hair hung in a cascade down her back, stopping at her nearly nonexistent waist, and it was perfectly straight. Not a single strand strayed from its place, though the breeze still pervaded the island. She was perfect, a goddess in her black mini-skirt with the red hemming and the slit up the side and her black tank top with red straps.

 

This goddess also had a perfect name: Hana Yasu Asuka Takako Miu Umeko Abigail Shinju Sakura, but most people called her Sakura because her whiteness reminded people of white cherry-blossoms and of feminine delicateness.

 

Or so that's what she liked to think. In reality, most people only remembered the Sakura part of her name because it was the last on the list, and even then, they were happier not even knowing that.

 

Her hands, diminutive, with their small, slight fingers and manicured nails, twitched slightly as the breeze (still not stirring her hair, as there had been a gel massacre earlier in the day) carried the sound of her beloved's voice to her small and shapely ears, pierced with the Nobody insignia that hung from her lobes. The Heartless symbol hung from her navel, and a replica of the Ultima Weapon hung in a place that we shall not mention.

 

“Kairi? Kairi, where did you go? Kairi?” Sakura's lips turned down into a voluptuous pout.

 

“Why is he calling for her?” she asked herself, biting the cherry-red appendage with her perfectly straight and white teeth. “I'm better looking than her. He should be calling for me.” Out loud, she said, “Sora, my beloved! Come hither to my arms and I will hold you `til the end of all times!”

 

Sora, who by this time had reached the beach, froze in mid-stride, staring at the white apparition in front of him. He didn't know what to do, or even what to think. The blazing white thing in front of him was just too hideous for normal thought patterns to exist. He stood gaping, his mouth opening and closing as he tried to form a coherent sentence. Sakura took this as a win, and advanced towards him, and as soon as Sora saw her take that step in his direction, he began to inch backwards, not knowing if she was going to blind him or devour his soul.

 

“Sora,” she crooned, her voice perfectly imitating tinkling glass, “I've been waiting for you.”

 

“Uh,” Sora answered, still walking backwards, ears ringing from her voice. “Who are you?” Not a very intelligent statement, but Sora had never been one to proclaim he was the sharpest tool in the shed. Sakura pouted again, and he wondered if her lips would slide off her face. They looked as if they had been painted on and then stung by multiple bees.

 

“You don't remember me?” she asked, her eyes widening, glistening crystals of tears gathering in the corner of her eyes. They stayed perfectly white, by the way, instead of turning puffy and red like normal people's eyes would. “It's me, Sakura.” Sora still looked baffled. “Remember? You found me washed up on the beach when I was a child.”

 

“No, that was Kairi,” Sora said. “I found Kairi washed up on the beach, not you.”

 

“But I've been here all my life! You have to remember me!”

 

“This is an island. If you were here all your life, then how come you're so…white?” Sakura stopped and began to twitch. Sora backed away even farther, officially scared beyond belief.

 

“Does…not…compute,” she muttered in monotone, spasms rocking her body. “Must…change…subject…or…engage…self-des truct…mechanism…”

 

After a few more moments of twitches, Sakura's eyes lost their glazed look, and she focused once again on Sora, who was backed against a tree, clutching it. “Let's make babies!” she yelled.

 

“I don't want your babies!” Sora yelped, scrambling to the other side of the tree. “I'm only fifteen! No babies!” Sakura scurried up to him, grasping his hands, and pulling him closer to her body, disregarding the tree separating them. Sora found himself in a very painful and uncomfortable position, the tree wedged into a good portion of his frontal area, but if Sakura noticed, she gave no notice of caring.

 

“I want to make babies!” she screeched, and the gull in the tree flew away in fright. “I want to make babies right now, so hurry up and get in my pants!”

 

“You're wearing a skirt!” Sora yelled, and then, realizing the full implications of what she had just said, he howled, “Oh, God, no! Riku! Help! Where's my Keyblade?”

 

Fate, luckily, intervened at this point. Just as Sakura, apparently oblivious to the tree, launched herself at Sora, a coconut, loosened the gull, fell, striking her hard upon her head.

 

She instantly exploded.

 

The noxious cloud of black and Sakura-parts mushroomed before the breeze was able to clear it away, leaving behind a sooty Sora slumped against the tree, a dazed look upon his face. He coughed once, expelling a small cloud of gray and then slumped some more.

 

Riku found him the next day, still slumped against the tree, blubbering about perfectly white things with perfectly straight hair, and, as Riku had traveled in the darkness and knew the type of beast Sakura had been, brought Sora home and made a few calls to Canon to see if he could remedy the situation.

 

“Yes,” he said, speaking into the phone, “I'm sure it was a Mary-Sue. It screwed up reality. Only Mary-Sue's can screw up reality this much. Yes, I'm willing to wait a few days while you clear up the Playstation meets Febreeze incident.”

 

*~[--]---------_--_-

 

Seriously, how many of you groaned. Come on now, somebody had to have.

 

And yeah, I don't know where this came from. And yes, I know a lot of people have characters named Sakura (`cause that's the most popular name, it seems) and no, this is not based off of any one story or character, regardless of names. Any parallels are completely accidental. R&R!