Kingdom Hearts Fan Fiction ❯ Kingdom Crack Heads ❯ Sanity is for the Birds. ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: This is mainly a parody of Kingdom Hearts, starring my fan-charater and my friends' characters. This isn't meant to be taken seriously, and I pity you if you do. By the way, I never put in A/Ns in my stories anymore, so if you see words inside parenthesis, then it plays in directly with the story. Alright, now that that's all said and done, ON WITH THE SHOW!!

---x---

“Oh snap.”

Thousands of black, ant-like thingies surrounded the trio of teenagers tauntingly (Try saying that five times fast). Yellow, beady eyes glowed from the mass of darkness, and the air crackled with purple lightning. In short, these teens were so screwed. And not in the good way.

“Leilu,” the middle girl of the trio began in a dead-pan voice. “tell me again, what door did you open?”

“Um,” the tallest girl began to fidget. “the one with the shiny heart on it…”

“You idiot!” roared the smallest girl. “You've doomed us all! Doomed us I say!”

There was a slight pause.

“Mother fudgecake.”

---x---

Now, before we proceed with this delightful tale of gore and bloodshed, allow me to elaborate on these poor teens' situation.

Ahem.

You see, my dear readers, it all started with a dream…

---x---

`I've, been having these weird thoughts lately…' thought a slender, cocoa colored girl as she sank gracefully beneath the waves. Her neon pink hair contrasted starkly with the gloomy background, and as her eyes fluttered open, sparkling, silver eyes observed her obviously underwater surroundings.

`Like, how the hell I can breathe when I'm in obviously underwater surroundings. Wait…breathe!? Oh hell-monkeys!!' The girl began to thrash around in the water, attempting to surface.

`I wish I could suddenly just appear on land with some cool pop-music drifting through the air!!'

In a flash of white, the girl suddenly found herself on the sandy-shore of a beach. Waves lapped at her feet, and cool pop-music drifted through the air.

“Holy molely, just like that?” The girl said, impressed. “Awesome! I wish I had a hot fudge sundae!”

Nothing happened.

“Aw eff.” The girl pouted. She spotted a flash of white and shielded her eyes to spy her friend standing in the ocean. It was her silver-haired friend Leilu!

“Leilu you crazy freak!” the girl shouted. “Git yer butt outta that ocean right this minute young lady!” The other girl, Leilu, turned slowly and held out her hand to Pinky.

“What the hell? Dude, sorry, but you know I don't swing that way.” The girl with neon pink hair and caramel skin wrinkled her nose. Leilu rolled her eyes and pushed a button on the remote she held in her hand. As if on command, the water at the shore receded and became a tidal wave behind her.

“Oh my God!” Pinky shrieked as she began to run in circles. “We're all gonna die! Save the women and children! Save the puppies! SAVE THE COCONUTS—wait, I don't even like coconuts.” Leilu slapped her forehead. Pinky suddenly snapped to attention when she saw her friend in danger.

“…You're on your own.” She said as she then began to run away. Leilu opened her mouth to make a furious comment, when the wave crashed down and swallowed her, along with Pinky.

`Oh man, more water?' Pinky thought sadly as she spun around. `This sucks big time man.'

With a gasp, Pinky—

“Okay hold up!” the girl shouted, swinging her arms around in a time-out sort of motion. “Sorry about breakin the fourth wall here, but I have a name you know!”

Yes, but we don't learn it yet.

“How unfair!” Pinky whined. “You got to learn Leilu's name!”

Would you feel better if I just skipped to your first boss fight then?

“That would be nice, yes.”

-TIME SKIP-

Pinky blinked in confusion. “Huh. I suddenly have a vague feeling that I'm about to die.”

As if she had spoken a magical incantation, a giant fist made of darkness slammed next to her.

“HOLY FUDGE-MONKEYS!!” Pinky shrieked as she leaped to the side. She glared at the sky. “A weapon would've been nice!!”

`Oh fine.' Replied a voice that floated from nowhere. `What do you want; sword, shield, or magic staff?'

“Can I use magic with the magic staff?

`No.'

“What the-are you retarded or something!? Of course I'm picking the sword!!” Said sword materialized in her hands. Pinky smirked, then leaped at the black, shadowy thingie. What followed was a smack down of near epic proportions. Of course, Pinky was the one smacked down.

“Owwie!”

Yes. Owwie indeed. Anyway, the girl managed to survive the pummeling, and hit the ground instead of flying over the strange pedestal-like object thingie she was currently dueling the dark creature on. Pinky, with her neon-pink hair and silver eyes, was sucked down into the depths of darkness…that consisted of one song…

The Barney Song.

---x---

She awoke with a scream of pure terror.

“AAAAAAGH!” shrieked another voice. “I have been deafened by your horrible screech! Deafened I say!”

Pinky blinked and looked over her shoulder to see the petite, black-haired Moroi curled into a ball and rocking back and forth, hands over her ears.

“Hey!” the cocoa skinned lass exclaimed with an offended tone. “My singing isn't that bad!”

“I was not speaking of your equally horrendous singing, horrendous I say.” Muttered Moroi darkly. “I was pointing out your penchant for excessive bouts of vocal mass murder, mass murder I say.”

“….Huh?”

“I am insulting you, insulting you I say.”

“Oh….HEY!” Pinky leapt to her feet to point accusingly at Moroi. “How come you got to get introduced with a name and I remain nameless!?”

A pause.

“Well, that is not my problem, not my problem I say.” Moroi snorted as she began to file her nails.

“LISTEN YOU SHAKESPEAREAN-BABBLIN FREAK!” Pinky roared. “I--…What was I talking about again?”

“I'm actually still recovering from the fact you knew of Lord Shakespeare, still recovering I say.” The raven-haired girl blinked.

“Hey, aren't you guys forgettin about me?”

 

“Leilu! My main amigo!” Pinky whooped in joy as she tackled/glomped/consensually raped the silver haired beauty that had been apart of her nightmare only a few seconds ago. “You're alive and you smell of lilacs!” Pinky frowned. “I hate lilacs.” She leaped from her buddy's twitching body and made an X with her two index fingers. “Be gone demon-who-smells-of-lilacs!”

Leilu shuddered in disgust. “Dude, didn't I specifically tell you in the dream that I didn't swing that way!?”

“Nope. That was my line. You were coming onto me.”

“Really? I could have sworn…”

A pause.

“Oh yeah, I suppose I should tell the audience your name then.” Leilu laughed, trying to play off her obvious stupidity as something smooth. It didn't really work, but you have to give her credit for trying. “Anyway, how ya doin Kaya?”

A pause.

“That's it!?” Pinky, now known as Kaya, sputtered. “Are you serious!? That's my name!? How effing wrong is that!? I mean, I was expecting something epic!”

“I was expecting something more original, more original I say.” Moroi droned.

“I can't believe it's not butter!” Leilu exclaimed with a shout as she held up a slice of buttered toast.

Moroi and Kaya exchanged looks. Deciding that now would be a good time to forward the plot, Moroi cleared her throat.

“So my friends, all we need is a few more pieces of useless material and the raft will be finished, finished I say!” the raven-haired girl suggested. Kaya and Leilu nodded in agreement, after the silver-haired girl had finished her toast of course.

“Kaya, since you were obviously traumatized beyond belief and we really don't give a crap, you'll find the rest of the stuff.” Leilu ordered with a grin on her face as she clapped her pink-haired comrade's shoulder. “'Cause I gotta go and sit on that there tree and Moroi has to stand in that doorway for no apparent reason!”

“Okay!” Kaya agreed happily. “I know you guys have a busy schedule, what with your useless standing and sitting an' all! I'm sure my traumatizing experience, which will no doubt cause severe bed-wetting in the near future, can be handled later in therapy!”

“Yay!” Leilu and Moroi cheered, with Moroi adding a “Yay, I say!” at the end.

With that, the silver and raven-haired girls both skipped away.

Suddenly, Kaya frowned.

“HEY!”

---x---

After spending a good five minutes reading the walkthrough (“Cheater! Cheater I say!” a voice that sounded suspiciously like Moroi resounded through her head) Kaya managed to acquire all the materials needed to build their raft and was now lounging with her two best buds.

“You know, people could get the wrong idea.” Kaya spoke, breaking the silence. “All of us, staring out into the sunset…Seriously, we could be seen as a threesome or something.”

“That is appalling, appalling I say!” Moroi spat, scurrying up the palm tree and hissing at the other girls threatingly.

“I dunno.” Leilu shrugged. “It would be different.”

Moroi and Kaya stared.

“Uh, I mean, the horror.” Leilu said with a straight face.

---x---To be Continued!---x---