Kingdom Hearts Fan Fiction ❯ Selfish self loathing ❯ Why Can't I hate you? ( Chapter 1 )

This is more of an angsty rant.

Because I'm not too happy with my social life either, Roxas gets to endure my crap.

Sorry Rox.

 

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“Roxas! Roxas! Guess what!”

“What?”

“He likes me too!”

… “That's good for you Axel…”

“Yep! But don't worry, we'll be together again.”

“Sure…”

 

Who does that sort of thing, fumed a dirty blonde. Roxas growled low under his breath as he sat beneath the shade of a low weeping willow, a book lying open on his lap. Who the fuck says that? And then has the audacity to act like nothing happened!? Roxas slammed his book closed and brought his hand to his forehead.

Axel, the red head who had been his friend for the longest time, the person he had such an infatuation over, the person who had broken his heart. Roxas banged his head against the bark. The red head had once said that he would love Roxas forever and eternity. The blonde snorted, funny, really funny. He looked back down at his book and tossed it carelessly to the side.

After all he had done for him, after everything, he had been cast aside for someone he had taken a fancy to. And it was infuriating. Infuriating because Roxas was still so `hung up' on him…still catered to him whims, however reluctantly…and the bastard still had the fucking impudence to act like there was nothing wrong. He supposed that sometimes blondes weren't the only stupid ones.

Somewhere a few meters ahead of him, stood said red head. Axel clung to another blonde slightly shorter than him, nuzzling him ever so slightly with the side of his cheek, a somewhat peaceful expression on his face.

Roxas growled and made to stand up. In that year and a half that he and Axel had been together, the young blonde could hardly remember a time that Axel had clung to him. He could hardly remember a time that he had nuzzled him so lovingly, or kissed him on the cheek for no reason. And all the times he was affectionate, only served to piss him off further.

He began to briskly walk past them.

“Hey! Rox' where ya going?”

“Home.”

“Why? You don't have to be home for another hour.”

“Yes I do, Sora's coming home earlier and he doesn't have a key.” It was all bullshit, but Axel didn't have to know.

“Oh..”

Roxas kept walking.

Another frustrating minor detail: the fact that Axel was affectionate towards everyone else, but with Roxas he just sort of tossed him aside in a way. Said hi, never a hug and proceeded to give an aura of akwardness. And he still acted like there was nothing wrong between them. Roxas growled digging through this backpack. There was a note he kept in there, a note Axel had given him somewhere near the beginning of their relationship.

The letter had promised, it had promised that he would love him forever and always…'till death and then after.

He snorted and ripped the old creased paper in half, then fourths. He let the tiny shreds float to the pavement, leaving them to be scattered by the winds. Somewhere in his not-so-subconscious he hoped that Axel would find that note…

As he crossed the street felt a slight buzzing in his pocket. He looked down at his cell phone, flipped it open before taken one look at the screen and closing it.

Axel had a habit to call whenever it was convenient, or whenever he was bored. Oh god, he was so used.

You know that empty feeling? The feeling where you don't quite feel anything, but at the same time you know you should feel like shit, but you're too tired of caring? You want to cry, but the person is so shitty, they don't ever deserve the tears you shed for them? That's what Roxas felt as he sat heavily down onto the bus bench.

He wasn't going home. He'd hide out behind shelves at a bookstore for a while.

He pocket vibrated again. He chose to ignore it a second time.

Roxas hid himself between the books.

The shelves were very clean he never failed to note. And as he sat there, leaning against his backpack, he stared blankly at the words. Self loathing coursing through his veins. The hope he had once held, that Axel would come back to him, caused him to bang his head against bookshelf corner.

Fuck this all.

Fuck this all to hell!

A tear escaped down his cheek as he cringed once again in self loathing. All this attention that undeserving bastard was receiving from him. All his journal entries were about him, all of them angry…

And all of them wishing at the very end for someone to come and make him forget all about Axel. Make him jealous, and make him hate whoever it was he loved. And then he would be satisfied, then he would laugh. And even then he probably would never forgive. Axel's behaviour would never change, he would continue to be the self-centered, selfish, clueless bastard he was.

Roxas wondered if his `love' for Axel was one-sided.

At times it felt like it was, and those times that it felt like it wasn't, he hated himself even more, for enjoying it. When he clearly knew that the slight euphoria it brought would end swiftly, leaving once again an empty shell that would only be filled with rage. Rage that would be unleashed on the least deserving persons.

And when Roxas got home. He locked himself up on his room with the cordless phone from the kitchen, and dialed Axel's number. He loathed himself for it…

 

For hours they would talk…never failing…and Axel would never fail to call him everyday…and Roxas could only feel more used. How selfish he was. He was no better off than Axel sometimes. He questioned why Axel would call everyday…only at his convenience. Of course, he would always find ways to spite Axel. His problems were confided with someone else…and then there was Hayner…

Roxas smiled for a bit in the midst of tuning Axel out on some one of his rants. Now if only Hayner could be here…

 

Past eleven and he finally hung up the phone that was wet with sweat from the palm of his hands, and warm to the touch. He sat back. And thought…all thoughts consumed with the ever present desire to spite that bastard red-head.

And it made him sick that he even considered using Hayner for that. Of course, he would always love his fellow blonde…and that always made him feel better.

While he could go on fuming, self loathing, until one day he could find someone who would take it all away…he couldn't wait for that someone.

Fucking Axel…he hoped the red head had found the shredded letter.

 

He wondered. Would Axel want him, if he learned he had found another?

He hoped he would.

How pathetic. How pathetic to hate himself for such simplicity.

How pathetic to hate himself for all this spite.

And he fell to sleep with that self loathing leaving a bile taste in him mouth.

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Yes, yes, watch as your beloved slips away into the arms of another.
Another who would treat him with kindness and adoration.

Another whom he trusts and is not afraid

Another whom he can be himself always

Watch, as the one who always called your own gravitates away

Watch, as the one whom you took for granted lavishes attention

On someone who is not you.

How selfish. Do you want him now?

 

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Emo wasn't it?