Kingdom Hearts Fan Fiction ❯ Sick Day ❯ Part 3 ( Chapter 3 )

Part 3

 

Morgana Maeve

 

Sorry for the wait, peoples! But you know sleeping on the hot, hard floor really gives you new perspectives on life.

 

…Okay, that made no sense whatsoever, so onward!

 

Disclaimer: I own whatever it is I'm smoking in order to make this as cracktastic as I can. Square and Disney own the Kingdom Hearts series.

 

.::oOo::.

 

Fortunately for Roxas, the sheets, as stated before, were fireproof, and all Axel's attempts were doing were producing some pretty nasty smelling smoke. Poor Zexion passed out after only a few minutes after catching a whiff of the stuff.

 

“It's overpowering!” he choked out, slipping off his chair and curling into a ball on the floor.

 

“Axel, what have you done?” Vexen asked, looking surreptitiously at the thick smoke coiling in the air. It was like a rather thick, gray snake, though it smelled the way Marluxia's compost pile did on hot days.

 

“I didn't do anything,” Axel said quickly, trying to underhandedly beat out the small flames simmering on the corner of Roxas's blankets. His hand caught fire, but he didn't notice it as he brought his hands in front of him in a gesture of innocence. “I swear I'm not doing anything.”

 

“Number 8, your hand is on fire.”

 

“Oh! Crap!”

 

“Not doing anything, huh?” Roxas sat up, nonflammable sheets falling off his chest. “Perverted pyromaniac.”

 

“Why are you so mean to me, Roxas?”

 

“Because you skulk around his room with a camera.”

 

“You do what!?” Roxas's voice took on that `Axel-I'm-going-to-kill-you-soon' timber.

 

“Shut up, Xigbar!” Axel snapped, a large and conspicuous sweat-drop forming on the back of his head. The other members (Demyx aside) pointed and snickered. Axel died just a little inside.

 

And then everybody shut up because Lexaeus got up and pretty much made the fairly spacious room feel like a claustrophobic closet full of woolen sweaters that had never seen the light of day since they were bought. Silently, he took the book away from Larxene and sat back down, placidly rifling through the pages. Everybody held their breath, even though the woolen sweaters had receded. They might just decide to pop up again and smother all the Nobodies in the room.

 

The biggest shocker came next. Lexaeus, the Nobody dubbed the Silent Hero, began to read, following the very disturbing pattern started by Axel and Marluxia.

 

“Once upon a time,” he started, his huge frame threatening to break the spindly chair it rested on right in half, “there were three siblings. Only one of them wasn't really a sibling to the others. She was more of a step-sibling, and the other two took advantage of that and made her serve them and cater to their every whim.”

 

Roxas snuck a look at Larxene, and, as she was bristling and her hair was standing on end, decided that throwing the covers over his head was the best thing to in this situation. It didn't muffle Lexaeus's voice much, though.

 

He continued. “The two siblings - brothers - were horrible and cruel to their step-sister and made her live in the attic, providing the entire house with electricity without so much as a little bit of munny as compensation. And since the floorboards were so thin and pathetically cheap, she had to hear the brothers' incestuous couplings every night.”

 

There was a slight pause as everybody digested what was just said. Vexen's expression was priceless, a sort of mix of horror and disgust that made one side of his mouth go up in half a grimace and push the loose skin under his eye up into it. Xemnas was rubbing the bridge of his nose with his fingers.

 

“Let me guess,” he said. “One brother had blonde hair and the other had red.” Leaxeus nodded. “How did I know?” he tacked on sarcastically.

 

“Maybe you're psychic.”

 

“That was a rhetorical question, Number 9.”

 

“Sorry, Superior…What's rhetorical mean?”

 

“You don't need to know.”

 

“But it wasn't truly incestuous because the brothers had both been adopted from different families,” Lexaeus read. “But that's irrelevant. One day, the family (there was an evil step-father, too, with long, brownish-blondish hair and green eyes) heard that there was a ball being held so that the lord of the lands could find a wife. Every woman was invited, since what woman could resist his pink hair?”

 

“Lexaeus, that's horrible. The man's not even awake to defend himself!”

 

“It's my story, Xaldin.”

 

“I'm just stating my opinion.”

 

“Well, don't.” Lexaeus stood up again, and the dank and dingy woolen sweaters made a reappearance. Everyone choked. He began to read again, still standing and absorbing all the oxygen in the room. “The two brother who weren't really brothers couldn't go, of course, but their step-sister could, and she almost did, but as soon as she left the attic, the electricity went out. They caught her and made her stay in the small attic so that she could keep the air conditioner running; it was hot outside. But the worst was that the brothers and step-father weren't even going to be in the house! They were going away for the weekend. The poor step-sister was heartbroken.

 

“But as the moon arose on her slumping figure, her guardian fairy (whom she knew nothing of) appeared, blue hair and scar and all, and brought her to the ball, and he even gave her a new dress.”

 

“Why must you tempt fate?” Saïx asked, and a chill descended upon the room. Lexaeus was not bothered in the least.

 

“As soon as the pink-haired lord set eyes on the step-sister, he was smitten.”

 

“Now there's a match made in hell.”

 

“Don't interrupt me, Axel.”

 

“Have you looked in a mirror lately?” Larxene's tone hinted that she was way beyond angry.

 

“What's that supposed to mean, Larxene?” Axel snapped, arms crossed over his chest.

 

“It means shut up before I electrocute you.”

 

“Let me finish! The step-sister didn't want to leave the ball for obvious sexual reasons -”

 

“Oh, my God, Lexaeus, you're making this awkward!” Xigbar moaned.

 

Lexaeus barreled on, speaking faster, in a rush to finish. “Like I mentioned before, the step-sister didn't want to leave, but her step-family was coming back, and she had to return to the attic so that the air conditioning was working. To the lord, she gave him her shoe and told him her address so that he could come and steal her from her evil family the next day.”

 

“Yeah, that sounds like Larxene.”

 

“Shut up, Axel. Anyway, the lord followed the step-sister's directions and arrived at her house the next day. But her evil family had other plans. The evil step-father went down to his laboratory and concocted an evil potion to change the two brothers into girls so that they could marry into wealth.”

 

“That's disgusting. Axel would make a horrible looking girl.”

 

“I thought you were sick. Rest and let me finish this. The potion worked wonders, and the two brothers were now sisters, but the potion couldn't change the size of their feet. They were still huge.”

 

“My feet are not that large.”

 

“No, Axel, they only smell.”

 

“I'll burn you, Xaldin.”

 

“I'll cut you.”

 

Lexaeus sighed impatiently and then yelled over the bickering Nobodies, “The pink-haired lord had the two now-sisters try on the shoe, but they couldn't wedge their toes in, so when the lord wasn't looking, the step-father cut off their heels.”

 

“Wow, that got violent,” Zexion murmured.

 

“The sisters could fit their feet inside the shoe now, but because of all the blood, the shoe kept sliding off, so finally, the lord went up to the attic (he had heard strange sounds) and found the step-sister. He knew it was the same girl from the ball by the way she yelled at him and ordered him about. He took her away, and they lived a happy, if somewhat sadomasochistic, life together. The end.”

 

“That had to be the most awkward story yet,” Vexen stated, and everybody else nodded. Marluxia began to stir, and out of pity, Xigbar whacked him across the head with his gun so that Marluxia would be spared any further humiliation that he had already unknowingly sustained.

 

.::oOo::.

 

Haha, this one's a quickie!

 

Incest and sadomasochism, aren't I just a comic genius?

 

In other news, I have officially freaked myself out. While I was planning this chapter out in my notebook, I hit a roadblock, and had to stop for a few minutes. I got bored, and then for some reason, I drew a heart. Then I drew another one. And another, and another, and another, until the entire page was practically filled with hearts. Then I drew a really big one and made it into Kingdom Hearts. And then I drew my iPod-Axel at the bottom, wanting a heart.

 

Yeah, the iPod Axel is a bit of a running joke. See, my stereo system is a Roxxy, and since in fandom, Roxas is known as Roxy, I made my iPod Axel. `Cause you know, you put the iPod in the Roxxy so that it plays, and the obvious sexual reference was just too good to pass up. R and R, please!