Kingdom Hearts Fan Fiction ❯ Sora Must Die ❯ Definitely Posting That Shit ( Chapter 2 )

Chapter 2: Definitely Posting That Shit

"Well, this is something new."

Kairi wasn't into exploring new worlds without proper precautions. "Gotta be prepared!" was certainly the modest girl's motto when it came to anything adventurous, which is why she insisted on Sora collecting those yellow coconuts in Kingdom Hearts One's prologue. Not because the yellow ones were ripest, but because she truly believed yellow was the color of preparedness. Remember that kid from the movie Up? He was decked out in that rad yellow uniform because he was totally ready for the elements. I'd supply more examples but unfortunately they are all so stupid.

Anyway, back to Kairi. She was riding shotgun in—

Dick Tracey. Dick Tracey wore yellow. And he was prepared to take down criminals. Case and point.

So Kairi was riding shotgun in her new boyfriend's black sedan, enjoying the sights of a futuristic city sprawling with tall buildings and neon signs. Even though it was morning over at the Lakefront Resort, this world's time of day sat somewhere around midnight or later. Kairi found herself stuck staring at the distant moonlight, as her boyfriend had responded and even asked her something.

Snapping his fingers, Kairi's date tried getting her attention. "Yo, Kairi? Anybody there?"

She blinked a few times. "Huh? Oh, yeah, what were you saying, sweetie?"

Kairi's boyfriend retried his query, "I was saying, yeah this place used to be off-limits until Squeenix allowed only Shinra Employees to pass through. Do you know why it used to be off-limits?"

"Um, obviously not," Kairi said. She'd never even heard of this place, let alone been here before, so what the hell kinda question was that? "An even better question would be why you brought me to such a place."

"Well, I was getting to that, Kairi…" Kairi's boyfriend started.

So let's discuss who this fellow is. He's rich enough to own a set of wheels. He's perpetually wearing a black suit like some secret service fucker. Plus sunglasses. Did I mention he's bald? If you didn't catch the Shinra hint from earlier, then let me spell it out for you. Kairi's brand new boyfriend was none other than—wait for it…

"Then tell me all about it, Rude," Kairi responded cheekily.

The smirking Turk explained, "Because there are a ton of worlds with untested energy sources, this world being one of them, Squeenix didn't want their citizens stumbling upon something dangerous." Rude had her attention, so he continued, "For example, this world is home to a living substance known as Eco. There's different kinds of it with all sorts of properties and effects on humans like ourselves."

"Sounds scary," Kairi chided. "Don't tell me we're about to go get high on Eco."

Laughing at her ridiculous suggestion, Rude countered, "No, actually I was thinking we'd compete in one of their combat racing events, you know, just to get the blood pumping."

"Sure—wait, what?!" Kairi was a princess in her videogame, and Rude was, well…a Turk in his. A bodyguard. A muscle-headed jock who enjoyed doing stuff like "combat racing." This sort of dispute was bound to happen between the two, and Kairi knew this all too well. However, she still believed she was more than prepared to handle these situations.

Pulling a small stick with a yellow flag attached to it, Kairi waved said flag and said, "Yellow flag, Rude, yellow flag!"

Apparently sick of seeing that thing, Rude retorted, "Again with the flags, Kairi? Why in the—"

"I use flags to communicate when something looks hazardous to my health or—excuse my French here—completely jacked up. I told you that already! And you're sitting there talking about combat racing like it's a walk in the park."

"Yeah, I get all that, but you're the one who said you wanted to do something exciting today. Don't ya remember saying that during breakfast when you yellow-flagged the grits?"

"That's because Ignis kept shooting me dirty looks from the kitchen. Guy's a part-time chef but full-time psycho for sure."

Shaking his head, Rude continued, "Anyway, I'd hope you would appreciate coming here. You know I'd get in heaps of trouble if the higher-ups found out about this."

"That's on you, Rude." Crossing her arms, Kairi muttered, "You're just lucky I didn't bring out the red flag."

Just then, the road they were traveling became heavily populated with other vehicles gunning past their sedan. These speeding cars all looked armed and deadly by comparison, not to mention they were definitely firing live ammunition at each other.

Gasping at the ensuing carnage, Kairi commanded, "Rude, get me out of here now!"

"We must be in the middle of their race!" Rude chortled excitedly.

"I'm not seeing a finish line! They're just shooting at each other!" Kairi reported, hoping this would sway Rude into making a responsible decision.

"Quick!" Rude said. "There's a gun inside that glove compartment! I'm gonna speed up so you can shoot potshots at those other drivers—!"

"You're insane!" Kairi shrieked.

"Get the gun, Kairi! It's not even on safety, so just SHOOT 'EM!"

Whipping out her fabled red flag, Kairi closed her eyes and prayed aloud, "Omigod, someone come save me!"

Suddenly, another combat driver tore past the couple's vehicle, firing purple homing missiles at one of the hooligans up ahead. Since their sedan's windows were fully lowered, Kairi and Rude both heard the missile-driver scream in pure elation, "WHOO-HOO! THIS IS HAVEN CITY, BABY!"

One of those other hooligans definitely became a target, exploding in fierce, fiery fashion. All that was left of the vehicle was a flaming chassis, and it barreled along the road in a trajectory that put Rude's car in imminent danger.

Swerving like his date depended on it, Rude yelled, "HANG ON!"

A piece of the burned vehicle clipped their sedan, causing them to spin out of control and flip over and over. Still though, Kairi only screamed a little before fainting amid the carnage, and that's really saying something.

After everything came to a skittering halt, Rude found himself upside down in the driver's seat. Breathing a sigh of relief, he quipped, "Thank God for seatbelts. Amirite, Kairi?" He didn't get a response. "Kairi? Geez, girl you gotta pay more attention to me."

Looking over at the passenger side, Rude saw Kairi also upside-down, except she was partly lying on the car's roof with her legs thrown overhead. This position exposed her panties.

Quickly snapping a picture on his cell phone, Rude stated, "Definitely posting that shit."

Dragging himself out of the overturned vehicle, Rude checked to see if his sunglasses were broken, and they were fine. Of course, he had a spare, but he just needed to know. Dusting himself off, Rude piped up again, "Also, it's a good thing I didn't bring the convertible, Kairi. Something just told me, 'Go with the sedan. It's more conservative.' And you're a conservative kind of girl. I really mean that."

Noticing she was still inside the sedan with her panties exposed, Rude sighed and said, "Guess I gotta do everything."

As he dragged his unconscious date from the overturned car, the driver who had fired the missiles and screamed something about "Haven City" pulled up next to them. The driver stepped out, whistling profoundly as he eyed the damage.

"Yeah, that might need a few repairs."

"Ya think," Rude retorted, finally freeing Kairi from the wreckage. Holding the unconscious princess bridal-style, he took his chance to see who this bloodthirsty driver was.

He was a blonde man with freakishly long ears, donning a blue jean jacket fit for a grease monkey. Sporting jeans of blue and yellow, this guy also had a thing for goggles, gun straps, and various armor pads scattered about his shoulders, knees, and elbows. All of this indicated to Rude that this guy shouldn't be messed with on or off the road.

"Name's Jak," the man introduced himself, arms crossed. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Rude and this is my date, Kairi," Rude answered.

Jak let out a single chuckle. "Rude? You mean that's your actual name? What a freak show…" Shrugging, Jak added, "I think she needs a medic."

Sheepishly glancing around the street for a taxi, Rude admitted, "Yeeeeeah, I was hoping I could get a ride to the hospital. She's probably gonna be pissed when she wakes."

"Hm? No, I was talking about your car. I know a few places that could repair it, but they'll charge you an arm and a leg."

Rude blinked behind his sunglasses. "Uh, okay. So are there any hospitals nearby?"

Shaking his head, Jak answered candidly, "Nope. Not for another five districts up north. And my car's a one seater, so I can't help ya."

"Yikes," Rude said. "Well, I do appreciate you stopping to check on us in the middle of a race."

Scoffing, Jak replied, "Race? Nah man, I was just getting groceries." He pointed at a brown paper bag on the driver's seat. "The people here are criminals inside and out. Although, to be fair, I was the one who attacked them first. Oh, well. You live and you learn."

Laughing awkwardly, Rude said, "Ahem, gotcha. So, I'm gonna walk this way, now."

Hopping back in his souped-up street racer, Jak bid his farewell before peeling off, "Happy travels, Rude."

Watching the long-eared man disappear in a trail of smoke, Rude needlessly commented, "And he's gone. Guess it's just you and me, Princess. Geez…I need to get laid pronto."

Pause: so you just saw Sora get seduced by an older woman in the previous chapter, and now this thing with Rude and Kairi is going down. You're probably thinking, "Why in the fuck don't these kids just date each other or people their own age for crying out loud? And what the fuck is wrong with the guy writing this shit?" Well, for one, Aqua preying on a slightly younger Sora is obviously a lot less frowned upon than what's going on here with Rude and Kairi. That's a double standard in every sense of the phrase, baby.

In defense of Rude, yes, Kairi is a girl who is technically a teenager, but it is widely known throughout Squeenix Headquarters that Sora, Riku, and Kairi all have remained the same age for over a decade now. Though their exterior selves show off a youthful appearance, on the inside, these three heroes aren't getting any younger. Also, this is a story where crickets hump potatoes, so I'd hope the shock value isn't still shocking people. Un-pause!

Rude pondered out loud, "I wonder if she'll wake up if I….You know what? We'll save that for another time."

-X-

"Freakin' A, Sora, pick up your freakin' phone!" Riku muttered angrily. "Of course, I had to leave my Sandwich Shop gift card in your room and now you aren't answering your phone. God, it's like he hates me or something!"

Riku was standing in one of the white hallways of the Squeenix-owned Destiny Dormitory, pounding on the door to Sora's personal dorm room. Clearly frustrated with the lack of door movement, Riku appeared to be having a crisis.

After another call went to voicemail, Riku shrieked, "C'mon, Sora! The Sandwich Shop closes in fifteen minutes! Act like you don't want your best friend to starve! I'm begging ya, Sora!"

Around the hallway's corner came a certain optional ninja girl from Final Fantasy VII. Curious about the racket, she asked, "What's gotten into you, Riku?"

"I'll tell ya what's gotten into me! An ungodly amount of hunger!" Breaking down to his knees, Riku held his empty stomach closely, fearing its imminent implosion. "Please, Yuffie! You gotta get Sora outta there!"

"Sora's not in his room!" Yuffie pointed out. "I'd think you of all people would know Sora and a few others threw a Two-Point-Eight party last night!"

"Two-Point-Eight? Oh shit, that's right—I was in that game!" Riku pondered again, "That's still doesn't explain why he isn't answering his phone."

Shaking her head with a smirk, Yuffie looked as if she knew a dirty little secret. Doing her best to not spoil everything too quickly, she surmised, "You obviously don't follow Quasimodo on Kupo+."

Racking his brain, Riku guessed, "Quasimodo? That's the, uh…neckbeard guy from Tron's level, right?"

"No, dumbass, he's the hunchback of Notre Dame! Here, take a look at what he posted this morning…"

Yuffie held out her phone, and Riku's eyes went full-on dinner plates. Unable to comprehend the snapshot, Riku stammered, "Wha…him…and Aqua?"

"I know, right?" Yuffie echoed Riku's sentiment. "I didn't wanna believe it at first either, but there they are, butt-ass-naked on fuckin' Kupo+."

"But, I…! I…!" Riku clenched his fists. "But I wanted to screw Aqua first!"

Yuffie rolled her eyes. "I guess he beat'cha to it. Sheesh, it's like everyone's becoming a player these days. But I never would've thought Sora and Aqua…"

"Yeah, yeah, I still want my free sandwich," Riku regressed. "That horny sonuva bitch is laid up under a hot chick while I starve. He's gone mad, I tell you!"

Dismissing herself from the conversation, Yuffie shrugged and said, "Yeah, well, I'm sure you'll survive. See ya 'round!"

His stomach wasn't the only organ talking to him. Flipping over to that smooth edge, the hungry Keyblade Master suggested, "Wait up, Yuffs! How 'bout you and I create a social media scandal of our own?"

"How 'bout you bite me?" Yuffie barked back.

Riku agreed, "Sure thing! I'm totally into that!"

Realizing something, Riku smacked himself in the face. "Wow, I really am a dumbass." Summoning his Keyblade, he used the namesake ability of his weapon to magically gain entry into Sora's locked room. Spotting his Sandwich Shop gift card on the dresser, Riku shouted with glee, "SHIT-YEAH! Foot-long Italian sub, here I come!"

-X-

A/N: And let's not forget the zookeeper from Curious George. He wears yellow and deals with shenanigans on a daily flipping basis. Get at me.

Fan art of this story is SLOWLY rolling in, meaning I made one picture all by myself! Cuz I'm a big kid. Check it out on my deviant page! (Can you find it?)