Lord Of The Rings Fan Fiction ❯ Crazy Scenes ❯ Crazy Scenes 4 ( Chapter 4 )

AN: Obviously, I enjoy doing these. I do not own LotR or Spaceballs. If I offend someone with the language in the following, please forgive me. I am going by the scripts and therefore do not wish to change the language. Concerning the last one, my sister, penname: Aurora, did this to us while we were out in our grandfather's boat out on the Chesapeake one day. Needless to say, those of us who were not seasick at that point, promptly became sick for the rest of the time on the water.

 

Crazy Scenes 4

 

By the river:

 

“Legolas, fire a warning shot past the boson's ear,” Aragorn told Legolas.

Legolas quickly pulled out an arrow and put it to the string.

“Careful with your aim, lad,” Gimli said, just before knocking the end of his axe against the bow.

Legolas fired and hit a man straight in the chest. He quickly looked down at the dwarf who was pretending to be surprised.

“We warned you,” he shouted. “Prepare to be boarded!”

“Boarded? By you and what army?” the pirates shouted back at them.

Aragorn calmly looked at them before saying, “This army.”

He waited a few seconds and a crash was suddenly heard. All three turned to look at the stone wall behind them to only find a large hole with several people coming out. One in particular stood out as he was dressed entirely in black with a large, large helmet on his head.

“Who are you?” Aragorn asked.

The only one dressed in a tie stopped and looked at them before replying, “We're Spaceballs.”

Then, to Aragorn and Gimli's surprise, they heard Legolas mutter, “Oh shit, there goes Middle Earth.”

 

 

Black Gates:

 

The armies of Gondor and Rohan had formed up in front of the Black Gates of Mordor. Aragorn and a small group had ridden forward to demand that the Dark Lord surrender to their small force. Obviously, negotiations had failed because they came riding back.

“…This day, we fight, Men of the West!” Aragorn had just finished shouting before drawing his sword.

The rest of the army had followed suite when suddenly a crash was heard. Aragorn turned to look as a small group of Gondorian soldiers had just fallen over. They got back up and turned to look at one man who could not get up.

“Gandalf, who is that man?” Aragorn asked the wizard.

Gandalf looked at him before going, “He's an Asshole.”

“What is his name, Gandalf?”

“That is his name. Asshole, Private Asshole.”

“Who allowed him to join the army?”

“His brother signed him up.”

“And his brother is?”

“Major Asshole.”

Aragorn suddenly said a little too loudly, “How many Assholes do we have in this army anyways?”

Suddenly, all the Gondorians raised their hands and shouted, “Yo!”

Aragorn just stood there and put his head in his hands.

 

 

On the Anduin:

 

Floating down the river in three small boats can be quite boring. Especially for two troublemaking Hobbits who had nothing better to do. Both Merry and Pippin had managed to behave and not cause any headaches for their pilot, Boromir. Unfortunately, this was not to last.

“Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall. Ninety-nine bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around. Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall…”

They had started shortly after breakfast and were close to fifty about three hours later, considering that they had stopped at seventy-five to each take a drink for their dry throats. This did not help a certain dwarf who did not care for boats and had been drinking a lot of water as they had gone down the river.

Finally, “Will you two please put a cork in it? We won't be stopping for a while and I do not need nature calling right now!”

The two hobbits looked at each other, making a mental note to pick back up fifty on a later date.

It was after lunch and they were still going down the river. Yet again, the hobbits were bored. This time Boromir had encouraged them to do something. For the next two hours, all that could be heard coming from that boat was the repeated phrase, “Up and down! Up and down! Up and down! Side to side! Side to side!”

Gimli spent the rest of that day, turning green and trying to ignore nature's call.