Love Hina Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Paper Angel ❯ Being a Dick ( Chapter 2 )

Disclaimer: Gainax still owns all the shiatty character used in this fic. And the Shinobu here is from Love Hina.

 

 

Rated for language and stuff.

 

 

 

Shinji suffered from anxiety disorder. It doesn't take a person with a degree in psychology to notice it. If a stranger approaches him, you can see him hesitating, thinking twice before taking actions. It does not matter to him whether said stranger is a beautiful goddess who just climbed out of his television requesting the use of his washroom or a stinking hobo asking for a donation, Shinji would treat them with equal respect. As if they meant shit to him. Okay, maybe most males at fourteen would just point to the washroom like a stoned moron if a goddess thing popped out of their TV set instead of ordering her to get them some beers like a badass pimp. However, Shinji didn't distinguish between a goddess and a common mortal. To him, both deserve to be feared and respected even if they rank among the worst sex offenders.

 

 

When Shinji walked to school, he tried to get there as soon as possible. He tried to avoid the morning rush when the majority of the students tried to get there before the bell rings. Shinji would wake up early, before the barest hint of sunlight, make breakfast for both him and Asuka and get the hell away to school. He hated the crowd like they were midget freaks with leprosy. He didn't want to ogle at schoolgirls and rate their boobs and asses. Not voluntarily at least, as he sometimes did it to appease his gang, Kensuke and Touji.

 

 

Shinji seriously hated walking in crowds. The soft indecipherable giggling of schoolgirls pissed him off. Out of the corner of his blue eyes, Shinji knew those conniving cunts with their fake innocent smiles and fluttering pleated skirts were conspiring against him. They would cover their mouth and whisper something vicious into the ear of their girlfriends and then they would gloat in revelry. The mecha pilot was on to their evil plans.

 

 

Conversation overheard between Asuka and Hikari thought him a thing or two about females and their perversion. The pilot of the bright red Eva and his class representatives were dirty little hypocrites. They would spend hours chatting over the phone over menial topics like guys and clothes. When Asuka was done with Hikari, she would then whine to Shinji about how Hikari was a dumbass slut and what a tasteless little girl she was. And they spent hours talking to each other at least once a day when Angels were not threatening to end their miserable existence. Shinji guessed as much that Hikari felt the same way about his cocky female partner. The spectacled girl probably called her a 'Nazi whore' behind her back.

 

 

Shinji couldn't understand how females could stand each other. If Touji hated him, they would solve their problems through gratuitous use of violence and the problem will stay solved. That's the way with guys. We couldn't come up with such massive pretension and act like the world is all right like Buddha isn't trying to steal more souls from Jesus. But girls can and they do it all the time. No matter how much females hate each other, they will still plan silly gatherings and invite their arch nemesis and insist that they come. They will share a drink or two at parties and talk about the good old times even as you can see the evil darkness pouring out of their artificial soul as they exchange words.

 

 

Therefore, Shinji tried his best to get to school before the whole street would be filled with students bee lining. He hated how the girls would look at him like he got a penis growing on his head. He utterly despised the one that were brave enough to come up to him and wished him "Good morning". Shinji could only wished that he was a berserker in real life because there were times when he seriously needs something to ignite the barrels of contained fury in his heart. All his stored anger and resentment for mankind, if released all at once, can most definitely fuel genocide the size of Africa and all of its AIDS ridden population. Assuming there are still people living in that god-forsaken place after Third Impact.

 

 

The blue-eyed pilot squinted his eyes in irritation as he noticed a group of three younger schoolgirls on the other side of the road. Shinji stuffed the earplugs deeper and shoved his hands into his black pants.

 

Have to act nonchalant and keep it cool.

 

 

The short girl in the center was in a dilemma of sort and her two companions were egging her on. A short while later, it was decided that annoying the boy that saved their worthless butt many times was the right thing to do.

 

 

"Just ignore her and continue walking. She will be intimidated by your cold, intimidating act. Walking with headphones on is so rebellious," Shinji lied to himself. He knew he was no badass like his dad, the supreme overlord commander of Nerv.

 

 

"Good morning, Ikari-sama," a sweet female voice assaulted Shinji. Even his trusty SDAT couldn't offer any protection to his ears. He reminded himself to get some high-end noise-cancelling plugs later.

 

 

"Hey," the cool mecha pilot tried his best to ignore the enthusiastic girl.

 

 

"Acknowledge her existence but don't give her more than she wanted. You're doing just fine, Shinji," the blue-eyed boy reassured himself. However, he felt a little disgusting for acting like an asshole but he knew it was necessary. Bitches were out to hurt him.

 

 

"Do you remember my name, Shinji-sama?" she chimed as she began to walk alongside Shinji. The mecha pilot took a peek at her pretty face and got disgusted at the amount of innocent hope bleeding through her eyes. Shinji has to hold his breakfast in as images of the fictional past flood back to him like putrid sewer spillage.

 

 

***Flashback***

"Shinji, you're awesome out there," Gendo said while patting his son on the back.

 

 

"Dad....snifff," Shinji cried and opened his arm wide for some serious man to man huggyness.

 

 

"I'm kidding. Misato, throw him in the brig for disobeying orders and make sure you flush his Spiderman comics in front of him," the evil ruler of Nerv ordered.

 

 

"Nooooo, leave Spidey alone, you god hating bastard!!"

 

 

***End flashback***

 

 

Shinji rubbed the bridge of his nose and put on a slightly bored expression. He had to make sure the girl didn't get any ideas about this.

 

 

"Maehara, Shinobu," said Shinji like he read it off a random tombstone of no significance. Shinji had to make sure the girl knew how important she was. Which was no more than discarded Kleenex crumbled in mansauce.

 

 

"Oh, gosh. You remembered, Shinji-sama. I'm so glad and happy," Shinobu danced and twirled around the way only sickening cute magical girl could perform. In her pathetically simple mind, a person remembering her name would mean acceptance.

 

 

Shinji wanted to slap himself in the head with the only free hand he had now. His right hand was now occupied by Shinobu. The girl was latched on his arm like a giant leech, sucking the blood out of it by squeezing it to death. Regrettably, Shinji should have just told her to fuck off but he was way too much of a pussy to do it.

 

 

Lacking in exit strategy, Shinji just continued with Shinobu attached to him. Emotional controls gave way when the cute girl pressed her pert breast on his arm. It was so unfair when a female had so many weapons against you, but Shinji was a mecha pilot and people in his trade are badasses on a whole new level. Shinobu was just one harmless girl, he could deal with it. He dealt with angels hell-bent on destroying mankind and evil megalomaniac on a daily basis.

 

 

"Right, Shinji, just fucking stay this way. Walk straight. Don't look at her, don't maintain whatever eye contact. Just don't turn your head because you will smell her hair and you will be walking with a boner the size of an Eva plug all the way to the fucking school," Shinji cursed to himself. It surprised even himself that he would include so many f-word in his thoughts.

 

 

"Shinji-sama, you're so popular. Everyone is looking at you. It must be great to be popular," Shinobu sounded as if she would drop her skirt or give a few blowjobs if it could make her a celebrity.

 

 

This was exactly the reason why Shinji went to school early. To avoid the asshole crowd who could be identified into two groups: the one that think he is one cocky bastard and the other one that think he is a woman stealing scum. Shinji shuddered a little, as the staring was a tad more intense than usual. If the usual was 'let's beat the shit out of that privileged dickweed' then now was 'kill that bitch deader than dead and shove his ass through a wood chipper'.

 

 

Shinji tried to think of a few logical reasons to his latest crime. It couldn't be Shinobu, she wasn't a cheerleader or the kind of slut jocks like, and so the jealousy factor would be out. Touji would testify to it.

 

However, the girls were particularly scary today. Usually, they were all smiles while the guys directed all their hate at him. It must be PMS day or something.

 

 

"Did Tokyo Times write anything about Nerv being responsible for the genocide happening in the Middle East?" Shinji asked casually.

 

 

 

"I don't know. Why, do they have nice restaurants over there?" Shinobu replied and tugged his arm harder, hinting at something sidious.

 

 

"Guessed so. It's nothing," Shinji lied and ended any talks, which might lead to him bringing the girl out.

 

 

The mainstream media had blamed Nerv for various crimes against humanity, ranging from global warming to various wars happening all over the worst part of the world. Section Two had caught a few militant Greenpeace trying to kill him in gym class. Who would have believed 14 year olds becoming violent tree huggers? Shinji had a few theory about vegetarian products. He suspected tofu to be laced with psychotropic drugs. Tofu is evil, dammit.

 

 

"Say, is that Ayanami-sempai? She is really cool, isn't she?" Shinobu chirped and dragged Shinji out of his protein based conspiracy thoughts.

 

 

Damn right she is cool. Look at the way she walks, you can actually hear the cries of baby Jesus as she carry her path. Every step she takes, all the baby girl in China dies. That's how badass Rei is. Everything in the world is all her fault. Asuka, the self proclaimed human cyclone is just a light breeze compared to Ayanami. How can I compare to her when the only act of mass destruction I have ever committed hurt only

a little girl? What the fuck should I do to get some responsibility around here? Who should I kill to get some blaming?

 

 

"Shinji-sama, are you alright? You look out of it," Shinobu asked with faked concern.

 

 

The annoyingly cheerful voice took Shinji out of his light morning angst. Ayanami, who was on the other side of the road, was coming over. The meek mecha pilot trembled a little as he remembered to put on his ultra angsty, doom and gloom face. Apparently, it looked pathetic when you have a cute girl latched on your arm and you're trying your best to look like the whole world hates you. Shinji decided to ditch his "my mom died yesterday" look and tried to scrap some of his dignity.

 

 

"Hey, Ayanami," Shinji initialized simple human contact with his fellow Eva pilot with a slight nod. Shinji wondered if it was such a good move. Rei was unbounded by social contract. She just didn't care about it.

 

 

"Hello, Ikari," Rei replied as she would reply to the greetings of the commander of Nerv. Unknown to Shinji, it was a tone of respect and not condescension. The blue haired girl noticed the junior student attached to Shinji.

 

 

Shinobu raised her free arm and waved it frantically. Her bright smile could peel the paints from walls.

 

 

"I see that you have a new companion for today," Rei stated stoically, not bothering to ask Shinobu's name.

 

 

"I'm Shinobu Maehara, waii!" the junior high girl introduced herself.

 

 

Shinji cringed in horror but couldn't bring himself to restrain Shinobu. The damage was done. Rei would associate him with the ridiculously cheerful girl from this moment onward. Shinji lost all his street cred in one fell swoop. He tried his best to relate to Rei by cashing in on his loneliness and general relationship failure but if he had any chance before this, it was gone. He couldn't look at the Princess of Angst anymore without feeling shame. Shinji lost his monopoly to angsty issues deep rooted in his failure to communicate.

 

 

"I will go first," Rei announced. It was sure as hell that Rei didn't give a ratass to attend class. Formal lessons were just an inconvenience to her. Shinji concluded that Ayanami had given up hope on him. In her cold red eyes, the Ikari boy was only a poser.

 

 

"Please, wait..." Shinji squeaked, but Rei already turned her back.

 

 

Shinji was sure that the parting look the blue haired girl gave him spoke only of contempt. In a sense, Shinji was a traitor. He had a chance to live a fuckup life. He had all the events necessary for the ultimate angsty life but he thrown it all away for a cheap slut. His mom must be crying in heaven because he was not cutting his arm enough. Yui Ikari gave his son a good reason to whine and moan constantly and all he did is living la vida loca.

 

 

'Failure, that's what I'm. I'm not even good at being no-life. At the same time, I suck at living. Damn you, Rei. Why can't you fucking help me? Are you going to leave me to Asuka? Do you think that I'm better off being a violent sonafabitch because angst is too deep and cool for me?'

 

 

"Ohh man...." Shinji groaned, but it was too late. He messed up again. The solution to all his problems drifted further from his hand.

 

 

"Shinji-sama, can I have lunch with you later?" Shinobu begged Shinji with her large puppy dog eyes.

 

 

Shinji tried to resist her charm but failed somewhat. "Yeah, whatever."

 

 

The cute junior high school girl twirled around and held both of Shinji's hand.

 

 

"It's a promise. See you later!"

 

 

The confused mecha pilot scratched his head as he sees the girl bounced back to her friends. At the same time, he could feel the aura of destruction emanating from fellow schoolmates dissipating. However, Shinji knew that it was just the calm before the storm, with his kind of luck. The path to angst is filled with obstacle and the occasional dead bodies.

 

 

Nonetheless, Shinji stepped into school like the brave warrior he was. How wrong could a normal day in school get?

 

 

***

 

Upon entering his class, Shinji was greeted by his two best buddies, Touji and Kensuke. Touji was a sports jock and a general badass. He was a cool guy to be with, but he had an angst dampening shield. It was just so hard to be angsty when you have a friend constantly pointing out cute girls to ogle at. Either that or Touji would be making Shakespearean class toilet humor, if there was such thing. You just couldn't keep a straight face with him making sentences with shit and poontang in it, let alone frown and look gloomy.

 

 

Kensuke, on the other hand, was a nerd. Unfortunately, Kensuke Aida was not the sort of loser who writes to youth magazine and spills their problems. Kensuke embraced his nerdiness and made peace with it. He would fight back if you chuck at apple at him in lunchtime. While he still complains about the lack of pussy from time to time, it was more like a common thing for 14 year olds to do rather than real whining.

 

 

In short, Shinji had two relatively normal friends who he couldn't relate to. In hindsight, it was not entirely a bad thing, since not being able to relate to anything is a prime source of angsting. Still, people thought that he was normal because he hangs out with normal people. It was a situation that required change.

 

 

"Hey, Shin-man. I got the stuff you wanted," Kensuke stated as he pulled his bag up and started to dig in it.

 

 

Then Touji rapped his knuckle on his nerdy friend and pulled him in a noogie.

 

 

"Biatch, I asked you for pron and you said you had non, you pron grubbing asshole. And now you're passing it to da Shin-man?"

 

 

"Touji, it's not pron," Shinji explained and tried to pry his hand from Kensuke's head.

 

 

"Fucking-A."

 

"Jeez, it's the fucking teacher. Let me go, dickweed," Kensuke complained as the senile history teacher strolled in.

 

 

Hikari decided to intervene before things got out of hand.

 

 

"Get back to your seats, you fools!"

 

********

 

DaJock: What's da shit he got for you, Shin-man?

 

 

AngstMan: It's just music.

 

 

DaJock: The only music in there is a biatch screaming into a 12 incher as she receive poundin' in her ass.

 

 

AngstMan : Fuck. It's music, okay?

 

 

WeedMastah: The fuck with you, Touji?

 

 

DaJock: Shin-man gets his daily pussy meals and he wants pron. It's unfucking believable.

 

 

AngstMan: What the?! I didn't get no pussy.

 

 

DaJock: Damn right you didn't. You nailed Rei hard yesterday night and then you have drama with her this mornin'.

 

 

WeedMastah: Now that you said it, words are Shin-man was seen with a chick.

 

 

AngstMan has left the chat.

 

********

 

Shinji slumped on his desk, defeated. He knew that shit happens because he was too afraid to fight it but at the same time he couldn't take it like a man. Then he turned his head over and stared at Asuka, who wasn't paying attention to class. She had her eyes on the computer, probably checking some online store or gossip site.

 

 

What would Asuka do if some dick tried to hit on her? She would give him a stern no. Then if that asshole persisted, he would get some well-deserved asswhopping. If that didn't stop him, she would organize character assassination on him. The whole damn school would know the pathetic jerk who tried to hit on her and failed miserably. The school principal would turn a blind eye because she worked for Nerv and more than that, a pilot herself.

 

 

"Hey.... I am a pilot too," Shinji mumbled to himself as twisted facts started to unveil itself.

 

 

Eva pilots fight to save the world. Shinji, Rei and Asuka, they all risked their lives to kick Angel's ass. They worked for Nerv, not the Japanese government, and not the United Nations. Nerv didn't answer to sleazy politicians or responsible for the well being of its constituency.

 

 

The truth hit the mecha pilot like a ton of sledgehammer. Shinji could possibly cause some massive havoc in class and get away with a little more than a stern warning. He could probably molest the cutest girl in the school and the one that would be expelled was the victim.

 

 

"Maybe I should test out this theory and see where I can go with it," Shinji grinned like a psycho.

 

 

It would work out. When the Eva's thrashed the whole town on a typical mission, only few radical groups protested against the property destruction. Even the paper did not give more than a small column to the violent picketing. It was highly possible that Nerv had all the local media on their payroll. Therefore, who would give a ratass if a worthless girl was harassed by a world saving mecha pilot? Hell, maybe they will even pay her to pose for Playboy or something.

 

 

"Arrghghhh, I'm supposed to be angsty, damnit. Not being a psycho pervert. Shit, what the fuck am I thinking?" Shinji, unfortunately cursed loudly and caught the attention of the class.

 

 

If anyone who said being full of existential angst is easy, he or she is a fucking liar. Shinji would testify to it.

 

 

******

 

"Today, I shall be alone and get familiar with my inner child," the great mecha pilot announced before lying on a bench under a tree.

 

 

Shinji found out that eating a sandwich while lying in his back was not as great as he though. The wooden bench creaked as he shifted to a more comfortable position. Then he plugged his earphone and activated his SDAT.

 

 

"I wonder if I should become a Buddhist. I read that Buddha was a serious badass when it comes to being a non-conformist. Anyone who threw away a life of royalty and all the women and wealth attached to it must be crazy angsty. Buddha must have written lots of shitty poems when he was a prince. Poems about how authority was one giant leech, sucking the blood out of the citizens it was supposed to be responsible for. It must have told personal experiences of how someone could get bored of everything after having the best sex ever with the most beautiful women on earth."

 

 

"So, what do you want to angst about, Shinji? Are you getting pissed about the shit you could have but never did or are you crying about the things you have lost and can never be found again?"

 

 

Shinji then rolled on his back again and found the glaring sun suddenly gone.

 

 

"Shinji-sama, I found you!" Shinobu cried in joy. Then she brandished a plastic bag containing drinks at the brown haired boy.

 

 

"I don't know what type of drink you enjoy, so I got you coffee, milk, and orange juice," Shinobu said as she emptied the bag.

 

 

"Hey, it's almost like having breakfast, without toast. Anyway, what are you doing out here alone?" The poor girl tried to get something out of Shinji.

 

 

"Asuka-sempai is so cool. She told me you always hangout with your friends at the rooftop, so I went there first but couldn't find you. But glass-guy directed me here, he said Shinji-sama always come here when he skips class. Playing truant is so cool; I can't wait to be a senior. Then we can skip classes together and do naughty things," Shinobu ranted happily.

 

 

Shinji wanted to correct her on the deviant activity he had no part in but couldn't find the strength to do so. Ten minutes of intense worldly thoughts had sapped him dry. Furthermore, the girl seemed content carrying on the conversation by herself.

 

 

"Erm, Shinji-sama which one do you want me to open for you?" Shinobu posed cutely with milk and coffee held to her chest.

 

 

At this moment, if Shinji had any sense of badassery, he would have told the girl to fuck off and leave him to his own device. It was his private time to indulge in self propelled misery and incomprehensible thinking. Maybe, he should make an example out of someone for bothering him.

 

 

Fate then decided Rei Ayanami to cross their path. The blue haired goddess of angst moved at a light pace while holding some library books. Shocking Shinji out of his bored stance, the mecha pilot sat up in attention, nearly pushing Shinobu to her butt. Shinji knew his fellow pilot noticed them but she was just feigning ignorance. Ayanami was judging him from a distance, to see how he would act. She would decide if he was worthy to join the club exclusive to lonesome mecha pilot. A place so distanced from reality that no one could possibly relate to them in any way whatsoever. Shinji would get his answer. The path to true angst would be the truth to all his question. There was no doubt in it.

 

 

"Shinji-sama, you're out of it again?" Shinobu asked with a fake sugary smile as she pressed the slender aluminum can of coffee to Shinji's left cheek.

 

 

Shinobu was shocked when Shinji whipped the canned drink out of her hand. The offensive drink rolled on its path to the enigmatic Ayanami.

 

 

Shinji summed up every bit of hatred he had it in him and vomited it in two words. His eyes were never removed from Rei. She would know that he was serious this time. No fooling around.

 

 

"Go away."

 

 

"Gyahhhh, Shinji-sama?"

 

 

The pissed mecha pilot ripped his earphones out and screamed at the girl.

 

 

"Don't make me repeat myself!"

 

 

Shinobu took two clumsy steps backward and fell on her ass.

 

 

"Shinji-sama, you're so cruel!"

 

 

And the girl picked herself up and ran away. Shinji shivered a little at his own action but returned his gaze to where Rei was walking by. She was gone. Well, Shinji wasn't really expecting her to stand there like a fool and give him thumbs up. She was way too cool for that. But the Ikari boy was certain that she witnessed everything.

 

 

He scored, but a piece of him went straight to hell. Such was the path to true angst.

 

 

 

 

A/N: Hello, I hope you enjoyed this story. You can help me by contributing. I'm looking for online sources that deal with issue of angst; in serious or comedy form. If you want to, you can also suggest anime characters to be dissected by Shinji, especially those annoyingly cute, innocent types. Anyway, just drop a comment, thank you.