Loveless Fan Fiction ❯ Fearless ❯ I Give Myself to You from the Essence of My Being ( Chapter 4 )

I Give Myself To You From the Essence of My Being

 

The week was unbearable for Ritsuka. Things weren't made any easier when mid-week Yuiko and Yayoi walked in minus their ears and tails. It wasn't that big of a shock but it did add more stress to Ritsuka's own personal life. And never mind the fact that after the first obstacle had been crossed, the two couldn't stop with the bedroom eyes, flirting, and obscene flashes of affection that no one else but Ritsuka was unlucky enough to witness.

 

He knew they were all still very close but a bond is a bond and one such as that always makes the one not involved an undeniable third wheel. They had been nice about it and really the quiet boy couldn't be that much of a bother to anyone but Ritsuka knew they craved alone time as often as they could get it. The last few days were very lonely he hated to admit. For too long his past time was spent with at least some other person and now he was by himself again. By Saturday he was restless and after his time at school, he came home cranky and exhausted from his own boredom.

 

Deeming it safe to come downstairs, Ritsuka made quick and stealthy work of looking through the cupboards and refrigerator for a light lunch. A knock at the front door stopped his movements. When he opened the door he broke out in a climbing panic. Ryu was there, leaning against the doorframe and he was far from the semi-preppy schoolboy he seen last time. Graffiti-adorned black and white high-tops covered his feet, hip-hugging jeans seemed painted on his long legs, a colorful short-sleeved tattoo shirt barely concealed his naval, and his long hair was kept from his eyes by a black and white bandana.

 

“What are you doing here?” Ritsuka cringed, that was far from what he wanted to say.

 

“We're hanging out today, remember?” Ryu didn't mind his Equal's odd behavior everything he did was forgivable. He tried to come inside but Ritsuka jumped in the way. His eyebrows rose in silent questioning.

 

“Why don't you climb up through my window?” He offered and blushed at the dread in his voice.

 

“Are you ashamed of me, Ritsuka? Am I something to be hidden?” He took a step closer and gave him a playful smile.

 

“No!” Ritsuka was now whispering as loud as he could. “No, of course not. It's just that, my mother, she uh…she doesn't like strangers in her house and she can get a bit worked up.”

 

“Where is she now?”

 

“Sleeping.” Ritsuka said slowly.

 

“Then I'll be silent as a tomb.” Ryu was so close his breath ghosted over Ritsuka's face. “Where's your room?” His voice was gentle, silently reassuring the other boy he understood what he wasn't telling him and that everything was fine.

“Up the stairs, last door at the end of the hall.” He knew him only for a few days and already he couldn't deny him anything.

 

Ryu nodded and toed off his shoes by the door. Ritsuka went back to the kitchen and grabbed another glass and plate from the cupboards. As he made lunch, he glanced back to the living room and didn't see Ryu. A shadow on the wall told him he already was on the second floor and relief flooded his body when not a sound was made and he heard the distinct latch of a door being closed above. After a few minutes, Ritsuka gathered the food and his courage and left to join his guest. With one hand balancing the tray, the other opened his door and he saw Ryu taking in everything within Ritsuka's personal haven.

 

“I like it. It's very…western.” Ryu beamed as he looked at the room with the bathroom door off to the side and Ritsuka's English-style bed. Nothing was of the traditional Japanese sense about this house.

 

“My father picked this house, he's a fan of American architecture.” Ritsuka shook his head at such asinine rubbish coming from his mouth whenever he tried to engage in conversation with him. It was worse than Soubi!

 

As much as he seemed determined to make things awkward, Ryu didn't seem to notice and soon the tension was gone with every smile and laugh that fell from his lips. They talked about every day things and Ryu mused that they had almost the same music collection, as he looked it over while munching on his sandwich. Soon industrial-gothic music played softly from the stereo and both were lounging on the bed. No one broached the topic of fighting and for a moment Ritsuka could imagine they were both ordinary teenagers but dark thoughts still ate away at the back of his mind. It didn't help that Ryu was so comfortable with his name and destiny. He wasn't bothered by the fact that they might die anytime.

 

“Ryu, Soubi only told me once about his training. He never went in-depth but I know it must have been hellish. Did you go through that too?” He couldn't imagine this beautiful and cheerful boy being tested physically in such ways as Soubi had but he oozed the same kind of power.

 

“No, I didn't.” Ryu shook his head slightly and leaned back on the mattress on his hands. “Soubi's trainer is quite sadistic. Ritsu-sensei seems to think that the only way to make one strong is to torture them, beat them, and make them so used to pain that they feel they are numb to it. Of course, Soubi isn't numb, that'd be Zero's department but he does have a freakishly high tolerance to discomfort.” Ryu sat back up and stretched his legs out before him. “What I was taught is indifference, you could say. I can be put through a lot physically and emotionally without nearing my breaking point because it's all objective to me.” Ritsuka cocked his head in confusion. “I know it sounds hard to understand, just know for now that when I'm in battle I don't accept attacks purely because I refuse to feel the pain they send me.”

 

“This is all too much to take in. I don't think I'll ever be of use to you. Soubi's spells are powerful and he can kill with just a word.”

 

“Did you know Soubi makes up all of his spells?”

 

“Don't all teams?”

 

“No, that's one of the reasons Soubi is legend. He is sharp and very quick with countering anything that comes to him. He has been conditioned so perfectly that battle is never far from his thoughts. As soon as the opponent speaks, he is thinking of a counter-attack. But all of his spells are made up off the top of his head. Most teams go by all of what they have been taught - not Soubi. That is why it is so hard to restrain him.” Ryu saw the questions filling Ritsuka's eyes. “I've spent years studying Soubi, Ritsuka. If I didn't dedicate myself fully to my power I would never stand a chance against him. And now that we're finally together, it'd be foolish of us to not think that we'll be left alone. Seimei will have heard by now or will soon enough and by then I will have you ready.”

 

“You speak so highly of Soubi and yet every time Seimei comes up your tone changes altogether.” Ritsuka said and smiled a little at Ryu's face of surprise.

 

“That's because Soubi is a tragic spirit.” Ryu answered after a moment of thought. “He is everything a Sacrifice could ever want and that is open invitation for some to take advantage of. Beloved is a spoiled brat. He knows nothing of pain and loss and he hides behind his Fighter while putting on a show of self-righteousness. Soubi is power, Beloved is not. He is a coward and he is in for a big surprise if he comes near you with even the slightest bit of mal-intent. We are Loveless and he will learn true pain if he challenges us.”

 

“No Ryu. I'm telling you, I am worthless at this! I know nothing of how this works. I could get you killed.” Ryu shushed him before he worked himself into a panic.

 

“I told you Soubi made his spells up for a reason.” His voice was firm and a small smirk danced across his face. “We are going to practice today.”

 

“Should we go somewhere else?” Ritsuka said after a long stretch of silence.

 

“No, this place is as good as any.”

 

“Should I push my furniture out of the way? Or get the fire-extinguisher?”

 

“For cripe's sake Ritsuka, will you sit back down!” The boy's constant shuffling about was making him antsy. “We're not sparring, okay? This is just an exercise of…word play. Concentration behind simple orders, nothing more.”

 

“Okay, sorry. Jeez.” Ritsuka stopped puttering with things like pencils and candy wrappers and mumbled while sitting back on the mattress and crossed his bony legs underneath him. They sat facing each other, Ryu waited for him to scoot around until he was comfortable and then smiled with growing energy.

 

“All right, what we are going to do is have a small exchange of words. Don't worry, nothing that could prove harmful, I don't want to spar right now. I just want you to get used to having a clear mind and be able to focus your will behind your words to make them into actions. It's not as hard as it seems. Just breathe, Ritsuka, and clear your mind of all useless chatter.”

 

After a few minutes of getting into another comfortable position and a few more gentle chastisements to be quiet and concentrate, Ritsuka was now meditating with Ryu. It was suppose to ground him and empty his brain but he found strange and stupid things filling his head. Be it from sitting so close or raging hormones, Ritsuka couldn't stop thinking about the way Ryu's skin felt when he grabbed his hand last week, the way his mouth formed his words so smoothly and hugging each syllable with his tongue and the voice that was a hardy lavender rose dipped in hardening silver—so delicate but powerful!— and how soft his lips looked. Would they taste just as sweet as he imagined? Soubi was a smoker, and this was something he was interested in - this non-smoking mouth.

 

“Will you concentrate?” Ryu cracked one eye open to glare at him.

 

“What?” Oh no, he wasn't suspicious at all.

 

“I don't know what you're thinking but your emotions are in a whirlwind.”

 

After getting coached in how to breathe properly, Ritsuka was now much calmer and he had to admit that he was clear of all thought. Word play. That's what Ryu said they were going to do. What he had in mind he didn't know and he had been nervous but now all he had to do was wait. As silly as it sounded, Ritsuka trusted him. Only two and half days and he trusted him. He must be slipping!

 

“Okay, Ritsuka, the first thing I want to stress is that spell-casting is not where our power stops. Loveless have more power than anyone before them and we don't even need to utter a word to bend power to our will. Soon you'll be able to do things without even having to focus too much on the task, or even saying the spell aloud. Now try it.” Ritsuka was speechless.

 

“Could you give me an example, please?” Ryu shrugged but looked around the room until his attention came to the stereo.

 

“Skip, track five play.” Ryu smirked. The CD clicked to a stop and numbers flashed by until they stopped on the ordered number. `Berry' by Dir en Grey began to drift from the black speakers. “You wanted an example.” He offered Ritsuka another all-too-perfect grin. “Don't worry about spells right now, I will teach you that once you get the hang of turning your words into actions. Creativity can come after the hard part.” Ritsuka smiled. He understood what he was suppose to do for now.

 

Ritsuka closed his eyes, groping around his subconscious for the power everyone seemed to think he had. All he felt was unwavering nothingness. There was no ripple of anything in his mind except for the clarity he had tried so hard to maintain moments ago. Giving up was what he was about to do when suddenly there was a spark of something itching at the back of his mind's eye. It was faint but then he felt it flair brighter and his breath rushed into his lungs with his excitement. This was it, it had to be! Shining with colors never seen before, he identified this hazy, misting presence that pulsated milky hues as his power. No one else's and far more potent than others beside the boy sitting across from him. Hidden behind the backdrop of his soul lay the power entitled only to Loveless and it had waited so long for him to acknowledge it. An instant was all he needed and he knew exactly how great this essence was and with this acceptance and that of ownership it flooded through him. A gasp flew from his lips and he opened his eyes to see Ryu smiling at him with understanding. This could shake the earth's rotation! Aware of his power, Ritsuka smiled right back and kept from squealing like a schoolgirl when he realized that with one word he could make beautiful and strange things happen. With just a bit of practice.

 

“Uh…off.” He said and the overhead light bulb went out. It was still a little too bright for Ryu's liking now and with a motion of his hand the blind rolled down. Ritsuka could see his eyebrow rise in challenge.

 

“Show off.” He muttered but without another pause he flicked his wrist toward his desk and all four candles on the crystal dish lit.

 

“Good.” Ryu smiled and Ritsuka did too. This wasn't as hard as he thought. “All you have to do is concentrate.” Ryu was cut off by a knock on the door.

 

“Damn it, that's mother. Hide.” Ritsuka stood and instantly the music stopped, light was restored, and the blinds snapped up.

 

“What?” Honestly, Ryu couldn't believe his Equal!

 

“Ryu, now!” He was back to whispering and being terrified. The older boy rolled his eyes but did what he was told and crawled to the other side of the mattress and onto the floor.

 

Ritsuka straightened his clothes, hair, anything that might seem out of place on him and went to the door. The knocking never ceased and had a loud urgency about it. He turned to make sure nothing looked suspicious and he stopped his surveillance when his eyes found the top of a head poking out from the side of his bed. Two furry ears twitched in annoyance and he heard a surprised yelp when he mentally threw his heavy blanket over them. As soon as he opened his door a crack his distraught mother came into the room, pushing the door wide open and causing him to stumble a step back.

 

“What's wrong, mother?” Ritsuka asked, he didn't like the look in her eyes. Please not right now.

 

“I heard a voice Tsuka-chan.” She said and her voice was thick with sleep and hardly contained grief.

 

“A voice?”

 

“Yes.” His mother snapped; she hated when this child patronized her so. “Don't act like I'm crazy, boy!” Ritsuka tensed and prayed she wouldn't freak out while he had a guest. “I heard a voice. A boy's voice. Never a girl's voice do I hear echoing down this lonely hall.” A knowing smile lifted her cruel lips.

 

“It was just me, mother. I was reading aloud.”

 

“I don't believe you Ritsuka-chan.” Her eyes found the two plates on his nightstand. “You must have been hungry, two plates worth of food…”

 

“Forgive me, one's from yesterday. I forgot to take it back downstairs and wash it.”

 

“My children.” His mother cut off. “Both of my precious children. They were so beautiful and bright. Seimei, oh my Seimei!” She sobbed into her hand. Ritsuka wanted to console her. She did this all the time. Night and day she cried for her lost eldest son and he could do nothing to help her insanity. “And you!” Suddenly the tears were gone and her eyes sparkled with intense hatred as she looked at the small boy before her. “What the hell are you, little monster? My Tsuka-chan would never eat like this, wouldn't lie to his mother, wouldn't pretend when he knows very well a man has been inside this very room!”

 

“Mother please, you're—“

 

“No! Do not speak. You only know lies! You are not my son. Where is my Seimei? You know where he is, foul creature! Murderer!” She was hysterical and stalking ever closer to the cowering teen. “It should have been you! You in the flames, you to die, not Seimei, not my precious one!” Ritsuka saw her nail-polished hand rise to strike out at him and he steeled himself for the blow. His mother might look slight and puny but one hit and she could have anyone on the floor.

 

A blur of color and swish of air across his face and Ritsuka could no longer see his mother but the back of Ryu standing directly between him and her wrath. Her eyes bulged out of her head, looking as if to scream she stumbled back at the ferocity of his gaze. A gentle hand came up and cupped her tear-stained cheek.

 

“There is nothing to fear.” Ryu's voice was firm and feather soft. Instantly the fight went out of her and her hand fell limp to her side.

 

“But he is a monster.” She pleaded in a weak voice. His black eyes were mesmerizing and she couldn't bring herself to look away from their depths. Ryu moved his other arm behind himself without breaking his gaze and nudged Ritsuka to move behind him more.

 

“No, my dear lady, he isn't. He's just a teenager.” He smiled and Ritsuka almost passed out when his mother smiled faintly in reply and more tears drizzled down her face. Ryu wiped them away and shushed her. “He has changed, but what sixteen-year-old acts as he did when he was twelve?” His mother actually chuckled at that. “I know it hurts but it is the way of life. Losing a child is something no parent should live through and I can't imagine the pain you feel but while one is gone forever, the other remains. Treasure him, Aoyagi-san, for he is the brightest star in the sky.” His mother was shaking now from her sobs and Ritsuka wanted to scream for him to stop but he could only look on in shock. “You are tired, please go and sleep. No nightmares will haunt you, I promise.” He had walked her back to the door as he spoke until finally she was in the doorway and nodded mechanically before turning down the hall.

 

Ryu closed the door and threw the lock back in place. With a sigh he turned around, the power of persuasion always left him drained but this was important and necessary. A frown came to his lips as he looked at the shaking figure on the bed. When he sat down in front of him he felt his Equal pull away inwardly. Ritsuka wasn't even looking at him.

 

“You had no right.” Ritsuka growled but kept his eyes down, blinking away the tears that fell against his wishes. “I didn't ask for your damn help!” Ryu grabbed him by the chin and forced him to meet his eyes.

 

“If you expect me to sit by and let your mother say such disgusting bullshit to you and try and hurt you, you are in for a big disappointment, Loveless.” He released his hold but their eyes remained locked, Ritsuka didn't dare look away. “Do you know what it does to me when I see those little bandages covering you? Have you any idea the pain I feel when I know those are evidence to times I wasn't there to protect you? I fail you every fucking time a cut or bruise taints your body. I die every time you get hurt. I can feel how you ache and my soul bleeds knowing I wasn't here for you. You are so strong Ritsuka, you know suffering and you know true pain but you're training is over too. I'm here, we're one finally. You'll never have to endure this again, I swear to you.” Ryu lifted his hand as if to touch him but faltered and dropped it back to his thigh, not knowing if Ritsuka would accept his touches.

 

Ritsuka was speechless. Never had anyone stood up to what was going on between he and his mother. Not even Soubi intervened when he would arrive seconds after a tussle with her. He would get help bandaging his cuts and soothe his tears away but never did someone try and stop her. His heart hammered inside him and Ryu looked as if the other boy grew blue glitter wings when he laughed and swiped his drying tears away. The look intensified when Ritsuka leaned closer and took his hand.

 

“Ryu.” He blushed but managed to look him in the eyes. “I want you to be more than just a big brother or best friend.”

 

Ritsuka could have died then. Ryu looked shocked but then a lazy and altogether too charming of a smile melted his lips and he nodded before leaning in toward Ritsuka. Oh God, he's perfect. Ritsuka thought and waited for the warmth he had been craving all this time. Strong arms looped around his waist and pulled him up and onto Ryu's lap. Once there, one hand rested on his back while the other slid up to the fine hair at the back of his head. There was no teasing ceremony, Ryu just pulled him in and gave him their first kiss. No taunting, no nibbling, just warm, silky contact. When Ritsuka opened his mouth Ryu readily deepened their bond and he sighed into the older boy's mouth.

 

This was how it should be. Now he fully understood everything about bonds and connection and names and Destiny. From the way Ryu knew just how much to slide his tongue inside his mouth without making him feel scared to the way his smaller form fit perfectly against his he knew they were made for each other. Synchronization until it was one heart, one mind, and all power. Unconventional yes but still undeniably complimentary. Colors and thoughts and wild emotions filled his body. He was experiencing Ryu's soul. Everything was laid out for him and only him and Ryu wouldn't have it any other way. This Ritsuka knew and he loved feeling the closeness of it all. Ritsuka was released from the lip-lock and he sighed deeply while falling against Ryu's chest and the other boy tightened his hold. When Ritsuka finally got his head to stop spinning he chanced a look up at his Equal and Ryu ran his hand through his thick mane until his hand rested underneath his ear lobe. A dazed smile covered his face.

 

“You taste of cinnamon and supernovas.” Ryu murmured and bent to nuzzle his cheek before pecking the flushed apple.

 

Ritsuka breathed a silent laugh and buried his again reddening face in his neck while holding him tighter. Already Ryu was his whole world. His grip almost became painful when Ryu moved but he relaxed when he felt him not leaving the mattress but lying down on it, holding him just as firmly. He couldn't bear the thought of Ryu leaving now after what they just shared. This was all too monumental to be real. Light from outside was sliding down the walls and Ritsuka saw to his dread that it was getting late.

 

“Ritsuka?” Ryu was only given a small sigh for a reply. “Is it—would it be okay if I stayed with you?” The hope and fear was loud to Ritsuka and he quickly lifted his head.

 

“For as long as you want.” Was his answer and the cheeky boy planted a kiss on his chin before snuggling back against his chest.

 

For the first time in weeks there would be no insomnia and down the hall, in the dark and cold bedroom of his parent's, a grief-stricken woman would not dream of fire and death.