Macross Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Slayers Fan Fiction ❯ The Legend of Macross (which has nothing to do with Macross, really) ❯ Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8: ENTER THE MAINCHARACTER (Bweee!! You all love me so much!)

In the darkness that was the void of Keiro's dreams, she abruptly came to a halt.

"Why am I floating around in mid air? Am I in space…?"

She clearly didn't know where she was going, and the Author clearly was starved for ideas. She also took the opportunity to add a few floating clock's, a few pieces of pizza, and a lightsaber.

"I know!" she cried, as a fat redhead passed by on a parachute. "I'm dead!"

Well this wouldn't do. She can't be dead, that would leave the author the only option as to have her float around like this for decades.

"Where am I then!?" her voice rose an octave, sounding annoyed. Suddenly she felt as though she was in Math class, and somebody was trying to make her do long division again.

That was what her classmates were wondering at the time, as well.

Ashley Russel stared at the slowly clearing puff of smoke and debris from where Keiro had been sitting seconds ago.

"Um…." Was her reply.

Mr.Litler blinked at her chair.

"The excitement of learning about the Quebec Act must have been too much for her."

Liddy Palmer giggled. "I did that once!"

"What?"

"Spontaneously combusted!"

But…

A sexy man passed her by and smiled. "You're In the Void that is Vegetable Heaven!"

"I'm in Vegetable Heaven? There's such a place?"

Whatever it was, it sounded good. Vegetables always reminded her of a certain bastard Sayajin Prince…

The man smiled again and drifted upside down for a moment. "Yesss."

Keiro sweatdropped and wiped her hands on her `SPAM' T-shirt. "What goes on here?"

"We float. The Creator has given us the supreme privilege to float any way we want to. Justin over there to your right has been floating at a 90 degree angle somewhere off to the left for fifty years and seven hours."

Keiro sighed.

"But," the guy went on, "This is also a place where bad people that have done bad things go."

"Like what? I'm a good citizen!"

"Yes I'm sure you are. I myself tired to escape, but the Miami 16 Butt Pirates are an evil lot, they trapped me here because I was sexy."

Keiro's face became featureless as a sweatdropp the size of an asteroid descended on her face.

"Since the beginning of time, all that is sexy or even slightly sexy have been loathed and hunted by the Miami 16 Butt Pirates." He went on, starting a game of cat's cradle, "And of course, nobody survives an attack by them. They're supreme, everyone must listen to them. I hear they've got horrible things on their ships, vile disgusting things. Like premature children and chickens from Uranus."

Keiro tried in vain to float away as the sound of what sounded to be Vikings heading her way filled her ears.

"In fact, here they come now." The sexy man said, and vanished into a hole in a clock.

Keiro watched in horror as the ship approached. At the head of the vessel she could make out the faint outline of an overly skinny girl with a perm. As the ship came closer she had an odd feeling about the situation. The girl looked all too much like her best friend's sister.

"WHITE WHALE!" the girl screamed.

There was silence.

"I'M NOT A WHITE WHALE, YOU WHORE!! I'M…I'M…IN THE PROCESS OF FINDING OUT THAT CERTAIN BIT OF INFORMATION!"

The girl cackled like a witch and leaned over the mast. "How redundant. But I'm afraid you're polluting the waters, Miss. Unless you have a good lawyer, a hefty amount of money or a good excuse up your ass then you're doomed, girl."

"Up my ass??" Keiro questioned with a frown.

"Yes, I've had it with those damn wizards and their `tricks up their sleeves' so I changed the law and now if you're caught with a trick up your sleeve then they'd better find an even better one up your ass."

Keiro was silent. "What…crime am I accused of?"

The girl leaned back and stroked her `Pretties' which were patches of brightly coloured cloth sewed to her dress. "Why…you're violating Vegetable Heaven. You're too damned sexy to be allowed to grace those with your presence here."

"I'm not sexy! I'm really an ugly toad!! Please!!! I…I fled from the Princesses Pond and…um, stole her golden ball for my own and…I'm so disgusting they wouldn't even put me in the…uh, in the lab with the rats and monkeys! They put me…in the chem lab! They um…well you see…I only dress like this to escape the pressures of palace life!"

The girl leaned back and stared at her for a fleeting moment. Keiro decided against telling her to shut up like she usually did when she was at Jessica's house…but…was it even Heather?

"That's a damn good one. But I'm afraid it's already been used. Nice try though. GAURDS!!"

Two disturbingly dangerous men by the names of Dumb and Dumber came towards Keiro with two sets of rope, obviously to restrain her with.

"NO!! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!" she screamed, kicking and thrashing.

The men dumped her on the deck without further due and went to sell their services towards the men on floor three with hernias.

The ugly girl leaned down and examined her. "Hmmm. You remind me of the other one." She said after a while.

"The other one?" Keiro asked warily, picking seaweed from her hair.

"Yes, the other girl we picked up a while ago. Loud and obnoxious, you understand, also stubborn as hell. But, I've known her for quite a while. Mwaa…haa, mwahahahahahahaaaaaa!!! She got hers!!"

Keiro looked around for escape but found no way out.

"Looking to escape? Don't even think about it. Trunks will have you in a second."

"Trunks…?"

"Yes!! Trunks!! What's with you and repeating everything I say!? He's our head guard!"

Keiro got up and brushed herself off. "Why do you hate sexy people?" she asked.

"I don't hate them! I'm rather fond of them, actually."

There was a remotely uncomfortable silence.

"Well, the males, any way. I like adding them to my collection. Though I don't think they like my sense of what I have in store for them when they board…heh heh."

"I can understand." Keiro mumbled under her breath.

"What!?"

"I said, I'm glad to be on land. Floating around was getting boring."

"Well" the girl snapped, heading off in another direction, "Come. I'll show you to your room."

Keiro followed, though not reluctantly.

After a while, they came to a small room with one porthole. "Here. I'll ring you for supper."

The door slammed shut.

Keiro promptly screamed.

A girl in the cell beside her who was wearing a black tank top, black drawstring pants and carrot shoes screamed as well. Keiro stopped. The girl giggled, then screamed again.

"Jess!?"

The girl was quiet. "Yes. I'm Jessypoo. A captive of sexiness like yourself. You're new, aren't you? I like your shirt."

Keiro nodded and looked down to her blue baby tee that read in huge yellow letters; SPAM.

"Yeah. Um…do you have amnesia or something?"

Jessica blinked and started to rummage around in her pocket for a `Fusion' bar. "Nope."

"It's me, Jess. Your best friend…remember?"

Jess looked her over. "Not entirely."

"This is really weird…since when did you come here?" Keiro ventured.

"I don't know." She took a bite.

"Stop giving me primitive answers."

"Okay."

Keiro sighed. "The last thing I remember was being in Socials class…did you explode to?"

"Explode?"

Keiro pumped the air with her fist. "I figured it out!! We've been sucked into another dimension! Isn't that cool? Now all we have to do is get off this ship and try and ignore the fact that your sister seems to be the Captain."

"Heather, my anorexic psychopathic sister from the seven chambers of eternal hell?"

"Uh huh."

"Yeah, I've been here a few days. I've gone insane, you realise. Except I've got the company of Trunks."

"Isn't he a guard?" Keiro asked, trying to make some sense out of everything.

"He's my Trunksypoo."

"I see. Would Trunksypoo consider getting us out of here?"

"Well, our next destination I think is the land of floaty balls that result in drinking too much koolaid. So um…I think I could ask him."

"This never occurred to you before? You've never asked?"

"I don't think well on my own. So, how sexy are you any ways? These damned Miami 16 Butt Pirates are really against sexy people, so you might be in trouble."

"I'm average."

Keiro glanced around the room. The walls were plastered with posters. "SEXY IS EVIL" they read.

"I really can't wait to get out of here." She mumbled.

Jess sighed from the other side of the wall.
Ditto.

A loud cough was heard. "Let me up." A timid voice said, there was much shuffling for a few moments before a handsome purple head moved into view. "HI!" the head exclaimed.

Keiro oggled.

Oh my god…it's Trunks. My idols son…I can't believe this…I've been pulled into another dimension filled withall my adored cartoon hero's! This is to damn good to be true!

She calmed herself a bit, and took a deep breath.

But, for god's sake, act natural. Can'tlet him seeing you act like a frightened schoolgirl now..

"My, you're sexy!!" The purple head continued… not paying much attention to Keiro at all.

Jess sighed. "But Trunksie poo!!! I thought I was sexy!!"

Jess must be in heaven here…spending all her time with Trunks…although, I'm sure she doesn't realise that it's really Trunks…she seems a bit out of it to me…

"ARRG!" said a voice, presumably Heather's, coming down the stairs. "DOES SOMEONE DARE TO SAY SEXY IN MY PRESENCE?!?!?! Trunks!! Punish them!!"

Trunks stood up and tried in vain to make a weak attempt at punishing the two girls. He took one look at Keiro's pathetic face and crumpled to the ground.

"Ah!" Keiro made a mock cry, grabbing her arm and falling squirming to the floor. Jess stared in wonder.

Heather stared as well. When she'd finished staring she decided it was time to check on some of her more unfortunates.

Trunks leaped up, brushing off his suit. He beamed. "My, that was brave!" he exclaimed to Keiro, who blinked.

"One second later and she would have…sent you to the stables to shovel manure! Or worse! She might have sent you to the kitchen…*shudder* to be witness to the true profanity of obese people! Like Thelma! My god, she's got enough hair on her arms to rival Robin Willams!"

ooohkay…so this Trunks sure isn't like the one on T.V…he's a freaking nut.

Keiro and Jess blinked again. "Who's Robin Willams?"

Trunks frowned, breaking into a sweat. His right eye began to twitch uncontrollably "I don't know. I think maybe he was created for our soul enjoyment of the afternoon, he's just really what Heather calls a `Figment of our imagination'"

"Ahh." Was Keiro's reply.

"But who knows, Vegetable Heaven is not a place to be mocked with, it's a place of wonder and non-sexy people! A place where we come to realise our sins and…" his voice trailed off as he hit the floor, still twitching.

"Um. Is he always like this?" Keiro asked, uncomfortable.

"She brainwashed him." Jess replied simply, nudging him with he foot. There was a tiny crackle of lightning and his eyes snapped open, alert.

"Price check on Prune Juice Bob, price check on prune juice."

It was apparently another `Robin Williams' reference.

He then wandered off to `Spontaneously Combust' in private.

Keiro and Jess watched his retreating form. There was a sudden jolt of what must have been telepathic communication between the two and they both stood for a while, collecting drool at the sides of their mouths. A Guard that looked not unlike Vegita wandered by saying something about Exploding Cokes and paupers.

"Am I dead? Oh, I must be dead." Keiro started, bemused as she tried to grasp the concept that they were talking through their, er, brains. "Because If I'm not then I've really been in hiding for 18 years and I don't know who I am and suddenly I'm here on this ship talking to…a brain and wondering what the hells going on."

Jess blinked. "I think we are talking…um, through our brains. But I can't be too sure. Why don't we stand here like imbeciles while I try to figure this out?"

They were both silent, as they had been since they'd begun.

"I think…" she said at last, "That we've gone into shock, or, another Dimension."

"I didn't think Brains had mouths." Keiro said in a whiney tone. "That scares me. Because that means they have teeth…long, sharp canines."

"Don't be foolish. I said I'll think of something." Jess said back to her.

Abruptly she turned and went into her cell, slamming the door shut.

Keiro stood in the hallway, darting her eyes this way and that.

"This is all really weird. I don't even know who I am, where I am, It never occurred to me that I was remotely sexy at all and I really need to go the bathroom."

"All in good time, Keiro. All in good time."

"What If I have to go now??"
"Pray that you don't." Jess sent back.

"…why…?"

"There's snapping turtles in the toilets."

Keiro fled into her cell then, deciding that going to the bathroom really wasn't that important after all.

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