Magic Knight Rayearth Fan Fiction ❯ In Dreams ❯ Waking ( Chapter 3 )

Part Three

Waking

The first thing Clef felt when he finally managed to drag himself back to consciousness was head-splitting, mind-numbing pain. An involuntary moan escaped his dry lips as he raised a shaking hand to his throbbing temple, and he wondered briefly if he was dying. He felt awful. Aside from the headache, his stomach was roiling and his mouth felt as though somebody had stuffed a wad of fabric into it, sucking out every drop of moisture. He tried to squint open one eye, only to squeeze it tightly shut again when even the dim light in his bedchamber pierced his vision like a hurled dagger.

Now he finally remembered just what a hangover felt like…and why he'd sworn so many centuries ago never to drink himself into such a stupor ever again. He grimaced involuntarily. It was amazing what kinds of stupid things hopeless love forced a man to do…

What bothered him even more than the pain, however, was how fuzzy his memory seemed to be. Of course, he'd been asleep during most of the duration of his drinking binge…but he was almost certain that something had happened during the night. He sought to recall, but gave it up when the only thing that seemed to do was increase the size of his headache. He knew he'd dreamed of Umi, but…the images were blurred and faded. He was rather glad about that, however, considering the little he did remember appeared to be a bit on the…erotic side. He couldn't help but flush as he recalled a rather vivid fragment in which he was certain he'd been suckling her breast. He could almost feel the soft flesh between his lips, the subtle taste of her on his tongue, and the imagery sent a surge of arousal through his loins.

Hastily pushing the thoughts aside-the last thing he needed to deal with right now was his traitorous body-Clef slowly and meticulously sat up in the large bed, waiting for his stomach to settle. He cautiously opened his eyes by degrees until they adjusted to the light, then managed to make his way out of the bed and to the cold marble floor.

"Oh. You're finally awake."

The softly-spoken words startled him, causing him to jump in surprise and immediately let out a hiss of pain as the sudden movement jarred his sensitive head. The dizzying pain threw off his equilibrium momentarily, causing him to sway dangerously.

"Clef!"

There was an alarming crash coming from the general vicinity of his doorway, coupled with the panicked cry that sent another stab of pain through his head, and in another moment, Clef found himself being supported in a pair of slender arms wrapped awkwardly around his waist. He blinked, trying to clear the dizzying pain, and was momentarily startled to find himself gazing into large, crystalline eyes the color of the ocean, only centimeters away from his own. "U-Umi…?"

Her cheeks were red as she gazed back at him, looking somewhat sheepish. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you," she told him, keeping her voice as quiet as possible. "I didn't think you'd be awake yet. How are you feeling?"

Shame overwhelmed him. Shame at having been caught in such a disgraceful state by the very last person he'd ever wanted to see him like this. His indomitable pride rose in defense and he straightened stiffly in her arms. "I'm perfectly fine," he answered her formally, even a bit coldly. "You just…caught me by surprise, that's all. Might I ask what you're doing in my bedchambers? Surely you realize how inappropriate this is."

She blinked at him, looking slightly surprised, even a bit hurt, before slowly withdrawing her arms from around his waist and scooting back a few steps. Her head lowered slightly and she looked toward the doorway, where, for the first time, he noticed a silver tray lying on the floor amidst a litter of broken porcelain and a puddle of steaming liquid. "I…I was just bringing you some tea," she explained softly. "I knew you'd probably be feeling awful when you woke up and Presea told me that this tea is good for curing what ails you so…I thought I'd just leave the tray beside your bed for when you woke up, is all. I-I'm sorry I made a mess. I'll clean it up."

She made her way over to the mess and began to diligently pick shards of porcelain out of the tea, placing them on the tray with careful precision. Even with his blurred vision, Clef could see her hands trembling, and he sighed heavily, realizing that his harsh words had indeed hurt her feelings. Now he felt like a heel on top of everything else, snapping at her just because he was embarrassed, when all she'd been trying to do was help him. She looked rather like a chastised child kneeling there, carefully avoiding his gaze, the long, silken strands of her hair swinging over her shoulders to hide her flushed cheeks. His headache forgotten (but certainly not gone), he made his way over to her and hesitantly reached out to lay a hand gently against her hair, relishing in the feel of warm silk against his palm. "Umi, I apologize," he murmured. "I didn't mean to snap at you. Please forgive my foul temper this morning. I am…not quite myself."

Her tense shoulders relaxed and she seemed to calm beneath his gentle touch, as well as the soothing words. "It's all right," she replied quietly. "I understand." Even so, she still couldn't bring herself to meet his eyes; he had the distinct impression that she was embarrassed about something, although it mystified him as to what that might be. "S-so I was wondering…um…" She trailed off uncertainly, pondering the wisdom of questioning him when his temper was so uncertain at the moment. She didn't want to accidentally set him off again.

"What is it, Umi? Please feel free to speak your mind," he encouraged, smiling at her kindly.

Her gaze darted up to meet his, then away again as memories of heated kisses and murmured words immediately flooded her mind. Gaah! Now is not the time to think of that, idiot, she scolded herself firmly. Good heavens, if Clef ever discovered what had gone on between the two of them when he was so inebriated, she'd never be able to face him again! For all she knew, he'd blame her for taking advantage of the situation! And in all truth, she hadn't really tried that hard to put a halt to it before it had gone even that far, so he wouldn't be completely unjustified in such accusations.

Well aware that the Madoshi was waiting for her to speak, she attempted to gather her thoughts. "Um…I…that is…I was wondering if you could tell me what it was that had upset you so much to…um…cause you to…indulge yourself in that way," she suggested delicately, well aware that she was walking on eggshells where Clef's personal life was concerned. As much as she'd opened up to him about her life in the past, he'd always remained an enigma to her, preferring to listen to her rather than speak of himself. He valued his privacy above all else, and she was hesitant to intrude on that, but at the same time she would never be at peace if she didn't try to help him with whatever problem was bothering him.

Clef was surprised; whatever he'd been expecting her to say, it hadn't been that. For that matter, how had she even known he'd…indulged himself at all? The question left him uneasy. He'd never left his chambers, of that he was certain, so how could she have known he'd be waking up with a massive hangover? "What is it that…makes you think something it troubling me?" he asked in return, gauging her reaction carefully.

Delicate teeth came out to bite down on a soft lower lip…a gesture that sent another flash of memory through Clef's thoughts of those same lips yielding and soft beneath his own, drowning in hot, fervent kisses. His breath hissed softly between his teeth as the image replayed itself in his mind before forcing it from his thoughts.

"I…saw you through the terrace window," Umi was saying softly as her gaze darted to his again. "I saw you shatter that chalice against the wall and…and your face looked like it was in so much pain…" Her delicate brows drew together. "Please, Clef, tell me what happened. I never saw you like that before," she pleaded. "I…I want to help."

Clef nearly laughed at the irony of those words, knowing the only way she could ever ease his pain would be to return his unwanted affections. He felt irrationally angry with her, for being the unknowing cause of his pain, for smiling at him so gently, as though he meant everything in the world to her, when he knew very well that she regarded him as nothing more than a friend, perhaps even a father-figure to replace the one she hadn't seen in months. He wanted to tell her so, but the words caught in his throat. His pride wouldn't allow him to give in and confess his most hidden feelings, not when he doubted the chance of them ever being reciprocated.

He started when slender arms suddenly wrapped around his shoulders, and Umi's head lowered to rest softly against his shoulder. He stiffened in surprise, torn between pulling her closer and losing himself in the scent of her hair, or pushing her away and stomping down the bubble of happiness that was slowly growing in the pit of his stomach at her willingness to hold him. He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, gently taking her by the shoulders and pushing her away from him. She looked up at him uncertainly from her slightly lower position, kneeling before him on the cold floor, but he braced himself against the pleading in her eyes. "I thank you for your concern, Umi," he began quietly, "but I'm afraid my problem isn't something that can be helped by you. It is something that I must deal with on my own."

"By drinking yourself into a coma every night?!"

Her words came out slightly harsher and more loudly than she'd intended, and he winced as his head gave another twinge of pain, looking at her in surprise, both amused and slightly irritated to see that she now looked rather angry. Her eyes were snapping in the way that he loved when she was riled, and he realized that she wasn't about to back down on the subject without putting up a fight. He smiled inwardly despite himself. His stubborn, endearing Umi…she never was one to take no for an answer, was she?

"And what would you do if I did tell you?" he asked her with the patience of one addressing a small child. "Do you think you have the means to fix my problem for me?"

She faltered, her expression filling with uncertainty. "W-well I…I couldn't tell you that unless I knew what the problem was," she stammered. "But…but at the very least I could listen. Sometimes just listening helps, doesn't it? It always did when you listened to me…" She trailed off and he closed his eyes, smiling bitterly.

"Sometimes it does help, yes," he agreed softly. "But I'm afraid just listening won't do me a lot of good in this instance, so I see no point in telling you."

She looked angry again. "Why not?" she cried. "Why don't you ever tell me when you feel upset over something? Why won't you let me try to help you? Don't you…don't you trust me?"

The question sent a sudden stab through his heart, his eyes widening in astonishment. Trust her…? Did he trust her? He wanted to say yes, of course he trusted her…but…but did he really? When it came to his heart, when it came to his love for her, did he trust her enough to tell her how he truly felt? Even if he faced certain rejection, couldn't he trust her to be gentle with him, to not ridicule him for having such hopeless emotions? She could be flighty and even insensitive at times but he knew that she wasn't heartless.

Still, the guilt overwhelmed him when he realized that despite that knowledge, he clearly didn't trust her not to trample all over his heart. Even if she turned him down gently, the pity in her eyes would be more than he could bear. His pride simply wouldn't let him compromise himself like that. He gazed back at her helplessly, unable to answer, and slow understanding began to dawn in her eyes. The expression on her face was heartbreaking, and he involuntarily reached out to touch her, to offer what comfort he could, but she shied away from him and rose to her feet, taking the tray with her even though most of the mess still remained on the floor. "I understand," she said quietly, emotionlessly. "I guess…it was too much to hope for. Maybe I really am a child, after all, wishing for impossible things."

"Umi…" he breathed, reaching out to her again, wanting to tell her how sorry he was for hurting her, but she stepped out of his reach, shaking her head slowly.

"I just wanted it to be true," she continued, her voice trembling ever-so-slightly. She spared a quick glance at him before turning away, and he was dismayed to see the glitter of tears in her eyes. "I just…wanted to really be your Umi," she finished, so softly that he barely heard her.

But heard her he did, and he froze in shock as the words sparked another memory of his dream, or what he'd thought had been a dream. His eyes involuntarily closed as the memories became clearer in his mind, his heart quickening in response. Heated kisses…breathless cries…soft caresses in the night…

You're here…

I never left. It was just a dream, Clef.

Please don't leave me, Umi…

I…I wish I could let you love me like this…I wish I really was your Umi…

Clef's eyes snapped open as realization struck him full-force, leaving him gasping and dizzy in its wake. It had been no dream. She had been there, in his room, while he had…and she had let him. She had stayed with him, rather than fleeing with disgust, returning his attentions wholeheartedly, holding him, soothing him to sleep with her heartbeat and her warm, loving presence. And not once had she mocked him or ridiculed him, even though he had unknowingly bared his very soul to her. In fact, she had seemed inclined to disbelieve everything he'd said. Had he really pushed her that far away from him so that she had no hopes of his ever loving her, even when he was practically ravishing her in his bed?

The shame he might have felt, however, was held back by a single thought, a whispered phrase that repeated itself in his mind, caught just on the border between sleeping and awakening. One that he'd discounted as being nothing more than a figment of his imagination…until now.

…I love you, Clef…

He closed his eyes and allowed the memory of those words to wrap around his heart, easing his aching body and his aching soul, and for the first time, he felt that they hadn't been just a fragment of lost hope, after all.