Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha Fan Fiction ❯ Unexpected Expectations ❯ Hidden Thoughts ( Chapter 3 )

Unexpected Expectations

Chapter 3: Hidden Thoughts

 

 

 

"Shamal said you're pregnant?" Fate asked, not believing what she heard the first time.

 

Nanoha seemed to shrink slightly, but nodded in affirmation as she continued folding clothes.

 

Fate sighed, realizing that she had never seen Nanoha in this kind of state in all the years the golden-haired girl had known her, and it was extremely disquieting. Nanoha was normally was so strong, able to handle most anything thrown at her; and it was that strength that saved Fate herself from her early life; she could only remember one other time that Nanoha broke down and that was when Vivio was kidnapped. Even when Nanoha was incredible injured a long time ago, and took almost two years to recover, she remained strong. But this incident with Yuuno had really shaken her up.

 

Fate took Nanoha's hands in hers, forcing the girl to pause her clothes-folding. "It's alright, we'll get through this, I'll be here to help you, okay?"

 

Nanoha nodded and gave her a disarming smile, as she pulled her hands out and reached back into the basket for a shirt. "It's okay, I'm feeling better now. It's still a bit overwhelming, but I think I can handle thinking about it now. I just need time to mentally work things out."

 

"How did you feel after she told you?" Fate inquired gently. "And what else did Shamal say?"

 

Nanoha thought back. "Well..."

 

 

 

"That can't...." Nanoha started to say, trembling and gazing down at her tummy. [I'm going to have... a baby?]

 

"I just double-checked my readings," Shamal told her patient, her voice growing more soothing. She sat down next to the bed and reached out to gently stroke Nanoha's shoulder. "I know it can be shocking and overwhelming; I've had quite a bit of experience dealing with young women who suddenly find themselves pregnant, and the father is no where around."

 

"But Yuuno will come back!" Nanoha insisted, sitting up and hanging her legs off the edge of the bed, facing Shamal with confident eyes.

 

Shamal sat back, fixing Nanoha with a hard look. "So what will you do about the baby? What happens when Yuuno comes back? How do you think he will feel about it?"

 

Her head dropped. [I'm not even sure how I feel about this. What about how Yuuno feels? Would he leave me to raise it by myself? Would he stay? Do I want him to stay?]

 

"I'm not sure," she admitted, hesitantly raising her hand to gently rub her tummy, as if she could somehow feel the life inside. It was crazy, she knew; it was way too soon in the process for her to feel anything down there... right?

 

Shamal stood up and crossed the room, grabbing a business card and returning to hand it to Nanoha. "This is the name of a good counselor I know. I suggest you talk with her to help figure out your feelings. Will you go through with the pregnancy? Will you keep the baby? Will you give it up for adoption?"

 

Nanoha's head came back up. "Of course I'll have it! I couldn't imagine... killing it." Her other hand, the one holding the papers, lowered to cover her tummy as well, protectively shielding it.

 

The doctor smiled. "Good, that's what I wanted to hear. I had to ask. The Bureau doesn't like abortions, either, but as a doctor, I have to consider the physical and mental well-being of my patients first, and sometimes that is necessary." She gently took Nanoha's hand to help her off the bed and back to her feet. "Go see Dr. Lorna. Once you get your own head sorted out, then you can confront Yuuno. Normally, I'd caution young mothers to not rely on the father if he's run out, but I know Yuuno. He's a good man; I'm sure he'll be back. You need to know what to say when you see him."

 

Nanoha thanked Shamal as she left, being handed more tracts about what to expect during the early pregnancy months. She knew it was partially something Shamal had given her to focus on because she had really decided to have the baby and keep it; she couldn't imagine giving it up.

 

 

 

Fate looked over the materials, holding up the business card in particular. "Have you made an appointment with this Dr. Lorna yet?"

 

Nanoha shook her head as she finished folding the last piece of clothing, then sighed as Fate looked at her. "I know, I delayed going to Shamal, too. I won't do that this time."

 

"Good, then once you start doing that, I can bring Yuuno back," Fate told her, imaging what she'd do to him when she found him.

 

"Fate-chan, I told you I wanted to let him come back on his own..." Nanoha said, hesitantly, looking up at the other girl. "I know he'll come back."

 

"Nanoha, things have changed, and he needs to know about this," Fate told her sternly. "This baby is his, too. We don't know when he's coming back, but the earlier you two work this out, the better."

 

Nanoha sighed again and began to gather up the clothes to take up to the bedrooms. “Can you wait at least a few more days?”

 

Fate thought it over, then agreed, nodding. “Alright, a few more days to see if he comes back. Then I go looking.”

 

The other woman smiled at her as she stood up with a load of folded clothes. “Thank you, Fate-chan.”

 

 

 

Yuuno checked his pack sitting next to him for the hundredth time, but it was still there. He knew he was acting rather nervous and he was mostly by himself in this corner of the cargo hold next to a few crates, but this civilian transport ship was rather seedy. He didn't want to risk taking taking the official teleporters, as they logged everyone that went through and he didn't want to be tracked. Nanoha might have reported it, or someone could have discovered what happened by now and he couldn't afford to be caught, not until he found a way to fix what had happened.

 

And what if he couldn't? The thought had come to him multiple times, and he didn't have an answer. Would he stay on the run, unable to face Nanoha again? Or turn himself in to face whatever punishment he deserved?

 

Yuuno found his thoughts drifting back to that moment; it felt like a dream to him, as he had experienced dreams of that nature before, given his feelings for Nanoha. And in dreamland, he could safely explore things knowing he wouldn't do anything of that sort to her in the waking world unless she returned his feelings.

 

But this time felt different; she didn't seem as accepting and he felt it might have been one of those darker dreams... until her pained voice cried out for him to stop. Somehow, the scene came a bit more into focus and the horrifying thought came to mind that perhaps this wasn't a dream. But the pain started then as he tried to stop himself; he couldn't force himself onto Nanoha this way, not if he could help it.

 

Once again, her voice and touch got through to him, somehow soothing the agony in his mind and lulling him to sleep. The pleasurable cloudiness descended on his mind once more, and he found he didn't have the strength to fight it anymore, and instead welcomed its seductive embrace.

 

Until he woke up and found her under him, and it was blatantly obvious what had happened. Her teary, pained, and red-streaked face also made it obvious that he had hurt her, violated her, badly. In one moment, he had damaged her in the worst way possible.

 

How could I possibly apologize and atone if this doesn't work?

 

He shook his head and pushed it aside; he'd have to deal with that if it came up, as he couldn't think of an answer at the moment. Right now, he was just grateful this low-class transport wasn't too picky about passengers and accepted straight cash without any need for ID. It was also slower than the Bureau ships, but that was an acceptable price to pay for anonymity, despite the rather unsightly bunch that were his shipmates.

 

The undercover archeologist pulled his hood farther over his head, part of a longer cloak that he was using to conceal his features, and brought up up a holo screen to check his information again. Racheal had sent him a bit more information which indicated her travel route as best as she could remember all those years ago, although it was a bit sketchy and jumped all over the place, so he had his work cut out for him. Still, he managed to narrow down the possibilities.

 

She had said unadministered world #132 or #123 initially, which left him scratching his head. #132 was closer to the edge of TSAB-patrolled space, but #123 wasn't, so he scratched that one off for now. There were, however, two other possibilities; if she really meant #231 or #213, then that would make more sense, as both of those were closer to the edge with #231 right on it. His current course would take him past #213, so he'd check there first, and if he couldn't pick up when he was looking for, then he'd continue on to #231.

 

“Hey there, friend, why are you all the way over here by yourself?” came a deep male voice that also cast a shadow over Yuuno and his screen. “Why don't you hang around with us? We're having a great time at the other end!”

 

He shut it off and looked up, seeing a pair of the seedier ruffians looming over him, one being considerably taller and bulkier than the other. “I prefer it this way, but thank you for your offer.”

 

The larger one loomed over him more, while the smaller and skinnier one said, “I don't think you understand, friend. Loners make everyone nervous, so we'll need you to socialize.”

 

Yuuno snapped as the large hand came down on his shoulder, and he raised his own glowing hand. The big man promptly backpedaled, gasping and choking, hands grasping for his face, but unable to get close as a green bubble had appeared around his head, blocking all oxygen.

 

“What the...?” the skinny one blurted in shock, as the big man eventually fell backwards with a loud thud. He turned to Yuuno. “You're... a mage....”

 

“I said I prefer to remain alone,” Yuuno repeated, canceling the spell so the big man could breathe. “Take your friend and go.”

 

The skinny one was trembling a bit with fear, but shook his hand in defiance. “You'll pay for this!”

 

Yuuno ignored the pair, as the skinny one helped the bigger one up and they left. He couldn't afford to be bothered with lesser concerns; he had a more important mission to accomplish, and he would finish it no matter what.

 

 

 

Fate took her own vacation time so that she could watch out for her best friend. Nanoha was in a situation that she had never been in before, and despite what she said, Fate knew it was affecting her deeply; she wasn't over it yet, and probably wouldn't be, until things were worked out between her and Yuuno.

 

One one had, she knew Yuuno, and knew he'd never deliberately do this to her, so Fate believed that magic was involved. But on the other, he had made things worse by leaving the way he did, despite his pledge to “make things better” whatever that meant. He was a good guy overall, but she supposed this incident affected him as greatly as it had Nanoha. But she still felt anger at him for abandoning Nanoha like this; what was he thinking!?

 

She still really wanted to go hunt him down, but Nanoha had made her wait a few more days, which could make the trail go cold; Yuuno could be halfway across the galaxy by now. She had put out some feelers already and had a few decent leads, however.

 

Nanoha still really believed in him, and Fate hoped she was right to do so; they had a relationship she really couldn't comprehend, that wasn't quite friends, and wasn't quite student and teacher. Maybe there was a bit of family and deep mutual respect there, but if so, Fate couldn't understand why Yuuno ran. Sure, he could have just kept distance at the most, until receiving word about Nanoha, but he had left the entire planet.

 

Fate sighed as she drove Nanoha from the counselor to work; canceling the morning classes to make time for the counseling session had been another one of the things she insisted Nanoha do. As she glanced out of the corner of her eye to the passenger seat, Nanoha smiled, but Fate could tell it still wasn't reaching her eyes.

 

“I told you I'm fine, Fate-chan,” Nanoha chided her. “The counseling session helped, and I've been scheduled for weekly ones. And you have my promise I'll take it easy at work, but I'm mostly okay now. I just feel like I need to keep involved, or I'll go stir crazy. I'm not a glass doll; I need to get out there and do things!”

 

Fate half-smiled. “I know, and I won't stop you. But you'll have to forgive me for worrying anyway.”

 

“I know,” Nanoha admitted softly, with a tone that indicated her true feelings were peeking out for once.

 

[I'll protect you from anything,] Fate vowed mentally. [Even from yourself if need be.]

 

 

 

Nanoha knew Fate was there, standing far enough way to watch, but not interfere. When Nanoha had thrown up this morning, Fate had been particularly insistent she cancel classes and take it easy, but Nanoha had expected what was going to happen from the information Shamal had given her, and so she could handle a little unpleasantness in the morning.

 

A part of her was glad her friend cared, but she could handle things, and sometimes it felt like Fate was hovering over her a bit too much. She was still fully capable of teaching her classes even despite the pregnancy; it would be months before it became a real hindrance to physical mobility, and even then, she could still teach some things. She wasn't about to let this stop her.

 

She couldn't let it stop her. Even the counselor agreed with her, mostly.

 

 

 

“Your friend seems to care about you a great deal,” Dr. Lorna noted, as she closed the door, seeing Fate seated outside and waiting. “Please, have a seat

 

Nanoha sat down on the couch hesitantly. “Thank you. And yes, Fate-chan and I have been there for each other for a long time.”

 

Lorna sat down behind her desk and smiled gently. “That's good, we all need the support of friends in a troubling times. Now, why don't you lie down and tell me about your most recent difficulty.”

 

“Okay, but there isn't that much to tell,” Nanoha replied, laying down to gaze at the ceiling, the intricate patterns up there seeming almost hypnotic. “Due to the activation of a lost logia, a friend of mine was magically forced to have sex with me, and he ran away in guilt, and I'm pregnant. I can deal with it now.”

 

“I'm sure you can,” the psychologist agreed, chuckling lightly. “But you'll have to humor me, as I have to ask questions and talk about things; otherwise, it makes all my years of studying pretty pointless!”

 

Nanoha was forced to giggle as well, probably the first time she had laughed even a little since the incident.

 

“Now, if you'll pardon my asking, how were you feeling at the time of the sexual encounter?” she asked. “And please, try to be as honest and straight-forwards as you can, regardless of how you might feel. This is only to help you, and I'm legally bound to not tell anyone what you say, no matter what.”

 

“I know that, it's just that I don't know what else I can say,” Nanoah replied. “I remember being confused as to what had happened, then worried because Yuuno seemed to be having some sort of painful headache. Then scared because he suddenly was kissing and forcing himself on me.”

 

She could hear the counselor typing, obviously making notes. “What were your feelings towards Yuuno before this?”

 

“He was one of my best friends,” Nanoha answered. “From childhood, we were fairly close.”

 

“So you grew up together, then,” Dr. Lorna concluded. “Did you suspect he developed any feelings for you during your times together that might have influenced him?”

 

Nanoha thought back over the years; did he? “No, I don't think so. We were fairly close, and we exchanged things like birthday and Christmas presents, and occasionally we did things together, but I don't think he felt that way about me...” She paused, realizing something and promptly sat up. “I know what you're trying to say, that Yuuno had feelings for me and that made him force himself on me. He wouldn't do that!”

 

“I'm not trying to say anything,” the female counselor declared. “I'm only trying to get at the truth of feelings. Once we have that base, we can work on where to go after. If we don't confront those truths, the pain will continue to fester inside us. I encourage you to continue, it will help, I promise.”

 

Nanoha thought it over, and decided to accept it for now, so she laid back down. “And besides, even if he did, on some level, want to... have sex with me, he was definitely compelled to. And I let him, because he went into painful spasms when he tried to stop himself.”

 

"Is Yuuno someone you would have been okay having sex with in other circumstances?" the doctor inquired.

 

The patient paused, thinking it over. "No, at least, I don't think so. I never really thought about him that way, I suppose. I could only do that with someone I really loved, and we were just friends, and I'm not..." She trailed off.

 

“So you didn't want to have sex, but because he was in pain, you allowed yourself to be raped?”

 

“It wasn't rape!” Nanoha nearly shouted, sitting up again and blinking at the water in her eyes. “I let him!”

 

“Nanoha, I've counseled many young women in your position,” Lorna explained. “A lot of them say it wasn't rape, because they let the other party have their way. On some level, it's the psyche protecting itself, because then they can admit that they weren't violated against their will.”

 

“But it was Yuuno!” Nanoha insisted strongly. “And he was magically forced to as well!”

 

The doctor nodded. “That may be, but the fact remains that it happened against your will. You didn't want it, and wouldn't have done it. Even if something was controlling Yuuno, that something is responsible for putting you in a very uncomfortable position. It may have been Yuuno physically there, but something else used you, even if it was just non-intelligent magic. And your body responded, thus you feel betrayed on some level. I read that your daughter was kidnapped once; it's a similar concept. Something happened that you couldn't prevent, only rape happens on a much more personal level, and thus is much more damaging, especially if we don't confront it.”

 

Nanoha stared at the doctor, tears in her eyes, suddenly seeing the dreadful truth she was still suppressing. By focusing on Yuuno, she was able to suppress the fact that it was rape, and it didn't matter if it was Yuuno or something else responsible. It didn't matter if she had let it happen by telling herself it was just Yuuno.

 

Her face dropped to the floor, and she slowly wrapped her arms around her body. “I... really was... raped.” The last word was barely above a whisper.

 

Lorna stood up and came over to sit by Nanoha, reaching out to rub her back gently. “That's a big step for anyone to admit as we all come up with distractions and excuses to ignore that truth. But it's not the end, even if you were; it's how you go from here that matters. I've read your file and what you've been through; you're a strong woman, so you can get through this, too. I know you won't let this stop you.”

 

Nanoha dried her eyes and looked up, feeling incredible vulnerable, but also somehow oddly comforted. “Thank you...”

 

She smiled. “Thank your friends, too. And I'll go ahead and recommend that you can go back to work, as it's also important to get back into routines and resume our lives, but we'll meet once a week, alright?”

 

The other woman nodded, suddenly feeling grateful.

 

 

 

As Nanoha watched the current crop engage in combat exercises from the holo screens that were also recording various data statistics, she was glad that she could keep working. She knew now it might have been a distraction, but it was also her life. The doctor was right on at least one point: she wasn't going to let this stop or cripple her.

 

But she was also glad that no one else had been told yet about the incident and her condition, and she wanted to keep it that way. That would lead to uncomfortable questions about the baby's father and birth circumstances, and she still hadn't quite been able to figure things out in her mind yet. While she knew she felt violated now, she also still realized it wasn't really Yuuno's fault even if he had some feelings for her (and she wasn't entirely sure of that right now). For her part, she did care about him; she just wanted to talk to him and work things out first.

 

She wiped the tear from her eye, wondering how it got there. [Yuuno, where are you? I want you to come back so I can tell you I'm not upset.]

 

Nanoha shook her head to clear it, and almost wished she hadn't, as she got a strange feeling of vertigo. She took a step back to steady herself, but she found her legs unresponsive.

 

The last thing she recalled before her collapse, was Fate shouting her name.

 

 

Author's notes:

 

A bit more serious than I'm used to, but going where the story leads. I'm also going to take a moment to do a little preaching.

 

Rape is never much about the sex, and most rape doesn't involve it much at all, actually. The reason it's so bad, is because it happens against our will, and our bodies respond to it, despite us not wanting them to. Men can be raped this way as easily as women, so there should be no gender bias. It's this betrayal by our own bodies that forms a lot of why we hate rape so much.

 

There are various other reasons, and for each person it can vary, but this is why it was difficult for Nanoha to approach. Even though she had accepted that Yuuno was forced, and she let it happen to spare him the pain, it still meant she was forced by something, and that something is what she had(and still has to) to confront.