Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha Fan Fiction ❯ Unexpected Expectations ❯ Men and Women ( Chapter 5 )

Unexpected Expectations

Chapter 5: Men and Women

 

 

 

Yuuno took another slurp of the warm soup in front of him. It wasn't the best, but it was good enough and it was warm, and best of all, free. But that only took up a small portion of his mind, as he listened to the girl named Quinn tell him her story.

 

She was 19, which made her one year younger than himself, and she had been living with her brother in this run-down house for the past year. It wasn't too bad, as it did keep out the rain, and the fire in the corner stove did keep the place warm enough. And despite conditions, they were relatively happy, but had been trying to earn enough money to make it off-world, to a better-run TSAB administered planet in search of a better life.

 

All that changed a couple of weeks ago, when he was sent off by the company he worked for to the eastern continent to do some trading and never returned. Since then, she had let the company employ her as well, to do various errands, hoping she'd learn more about his disappearance, but never was able to figure out much. The severance pay she had received from the loss of her brother was almost enough to get her off-world, but she couldn't leave without finding her brother first.

 

“I know he's alive somewhere,” she told him from the other side of the wood table, occasionally digging into her own soup bowl. “And I want to go search for him, but I know I'd never make it over there. But you're a strong mage! I can tell. I have a little magic potential, but nothing like you can do.”

 

“So you want me to look for your brother as well, and try to bring him back if I can?” he ventured.

 

She paused, looking down a bit, then her eyes came up, pleading. “Not quite, take me with you! I've learned some things, and I know a bit about what you'll find over there. I know you probably have your own business, but I won't be a burden. There's a lot I can do, even with just a little magic. I can make a meal out of anything, and I have some supplies we can use!”

 

Yuuno considered it; he wasn't sure how much help she would be, and while it might be safe enough traveling in a normal jungle, if they came across hostile forces he wasn't sure he couldn't protect her. And partly, it would be easier to travel alone, as he wouldn't put anyone in danger.

 

He sighed and shook his head, pushing his mostly empty soup bowl away. “No, I'm sorry, but this is something I have to do alone. If you tell me what you know, I can promise to bring your brother back if I find him. Or at least let you know what happened if I can't.”

 

She stood up and put her hands on the table, taking a deep breath. "Please, I promise I won't be a burden! I really need to do this, and I need your help. I'll do whatever you want, pay anything, to go along!"

 

"Money isn't the issue," Yuuno told her, rubbing his temples.

 

She crossed over and sat beside him, giving him a tender, pleading look, then taking his hand in hers and placing it on her breast. "You can... stay with me. And while traveling, I'm sure it will help to have someone to keep you warm at night...."

 

Yuuno stared at her, feeling the curve of her skin under his palm as his hand began to tremble. In his mind, he could still recall his almost dream state-like memories of his encounter with Nanoha, feeling the firm roundness of her breast under his hand, and then the nightmares that followed where a blank Nanoha, a shell of her former self, gave herself to him over and over. He couldn't allow himself to succumb again and ruin someone else.

 

"Thank you for the offer, but no," he told her withdrawing his hand trying to still his trembling. "I can't let you do that."

 

"What, am I not good enough for you!?" she shot at him, suddenly angry. "I know I'm not incredibly pretty like most girls, but I can still... do things for you!"

 

He stood up and moved away. "Thank you for the meal, and I still promise to see what I can do for your brother. But I'm not the kind of person you think I am."

 

She sighed, giving him a defeated look. "It was probably stupid of me, anyway, wasn't it? I just want my brother back so badly, as he's the only family I have left." She sighed again, as he waited for her next words. "Alright, fine, if you'll keep that promise, I'll tell you what I know."

 

Yuuno nodded, giving a slight smile as he agreed, and she began to relate what she knew of the flora and fauna, as well as the few small trading outposts and villages that were known. The abductions usually happened farther inland, but they were fairly spread out over the inner east continent, so she couldn't narrow anything down.

 

When Quinn was done, she suggested he spend the night at least and get a fresh start tomorrow morning. She seemed honest and sincere enough to let him go on alone, so he took her up on her offer and she showed him to her brother's room.

 

As he lay there, Yuuno wondered what exactly he'd find when he got over there, but one thing he felt for certain: he was nearing the end of his search. If he was going to find out anything that would help Nanoha, it would be there.

 

 

 

"Well, it seems like you had a rough couple of days," Dr. Lorna commented, looking over her patient's file.

 

"Yeah, I lost control a little bit, and injured two civilians," Nanoha told her, staring at the ceiling from where she lay. "They're pressing charges, and the Bureau has put me on administrative leave while things are worked out."

 

"That would explain why there was no response to my attempts to reach you," the counselor noted.

 

What Nanoha didn't say, was that she had avoided picking up the phone as she didn't really want to talk about it; that tended to lead to places that held unpleasant surprises. But upon her breakdown, she confessed to Vita what had happened, as the girl had refused to leave her side upon helping her home. Nanoha confessed as part of an agreement for her to be left alone, and that led to some other interesting insights...

 

 

 

"What?" Nanoha said, not believing what she had heard.

 

"I know exactly how you feel," Vita told her in a flat voice. "I'm no good at comforting people with this sort of thing, but I know what you've been through, because I've been through it, too."

 

Nanoha tried to wrap her mind around. "But... how? You're so strong, I don't think that anyone could do that to you."

 

"I spent a long time in the book as a program, remember?" Vita informed her, tapping her head. "Although I remember enough to know I was human once, and am becoming human again. With that, comes more fragments of old memories. I remember a lot of my old masters, people I was devoted to serve no matter what; I couldn't go against it. Only a very few were somewhat good; most were bad and delighted in ordering us to do whatever they wanted.

 

She paused, fixing Nanoha with a steady glare. "And yes, it included that. Signum and Shamal probably got the worst of it, as most didn't have an interest in young girls. But there were some who did, and my body technically isn't fully matured, so I was quite... small, compared to my masters. There was a lot of pain, and I didn't even have the option to fight, or to even say no."

 

Nanoha stared aghast at her. "I... never even considered.. .I mean, I assumed some of your masters would be bad, but that..."

 

Vita shrugged. "It was a long time ago.. Though, while I didn't technically want it, pleasing my master fulfilled a basic need in me due to my programming, so I told myself that's what I was doing. Just filling another command, no different from the rest, as if he had ordered me to attack someone who fought back and injured me. I was feeling pain from a command nonetheless, and it was just another injury that the book would heal me from eventually."

 

"How did you..." Nanoha started to say, then paused. "How do you deal with it?"

 

"Maybe I didn't, I dunno," she admitted, looking as vacant and haunted as Nanoha had ever seen her; it was such a striking departure from what she knew of the little firebrand. "It was a long time ago, like I said, and my memories are still a bit fragmented. I just focus on the present, preferring not to dwell on the past. Just like you'll learn to do one of these days. 'Time heals all wounds' or something like that. I'm sure Shamal could tell you more if you asked her."

 

"I couldn't do that, pry into her life like that!" Nanoah protested.

 

"I can talk to her and I'm sure she'd share what she's been through, although I'm not entirely sure how much she or Signum remember," Vita confessed. "It's not something we really talk about, and not even Hayate really knows how bad it got. But I don't want to see you suffer like this, even if I have to remember all of it, if that's what it'll take to help you. We all want to do what we can for you, because you've done so much for us and Hayate."

 

Nanoha's head dropped, as she wiped the tears from her eyes. Vita was always like that, ever since she was injured by that robot all those years ago, the small hammer knight had seemed somehow overprotective of her. She partially thought it was sweet, and was just the girl's way to make up for her feelings of failing to protect Nanoha all those years ago. She never really suspected how deep it went, until now.

 

"But I am glad you told me," Vita told her in a softer voice, kinder than she had ever heard. "I don't know anything about that lost logia, or how you really must be feeling right now because my own memories aren't that complete, but none of us are going to think any differently of you, and all of us will do what we can to help."

 

"Vita..." Nanoha said, her head coming back up.

 

"I won't tell anyone, and if you're sure you'll be okay, I'll keep my promise to let you be for now," Vita said, throwing up her hands in a defensive motion. "You told me, so a deal's a deal. Just know that I'm close by if you need me."

 

Nanoha couldn't help reaching out to hug the girl, surprised when the gruff hammer knight didn't fight it as she normally did. Even more surprised when Vita hugged her back. In one way, they had become closer than before, through the sharing of similar circumstances.

 

And it gave Nanoha more to think about, as well as the courage to keep her rescheduled appointment.

 

 

 

"Yeah, I guess I was afraid of coming here," Nanoha finally admitted.

 

"And apparently, afraid of men?" Lorna offered.

 

"I... don't know," Nanoha said, surprised to find out she really didn't know. "They came onto me, and touched me, and something just snapped inside. I didn't want them near me for some reason. I don't know why."

 

"It's another natural reaction for women in your position," the psychologist explained. "You're feeling anger now, and because it was a man that violated your body, your psyche is now defensive against them. And yes, before you say anything, I know Yuuno wasn't to blame. Still, it was a male causing you pain, and your psyche has associated the idea of a male with that of unpleasantness and pain."

 

"I'm not afraid of Yuuno or other men, though," Nanoha protested. "At least, I don't want to be.... how do I get over this? Is there anything I can do?"

 

"There's no real easy answer," Lorna answered. "Most of it deals with working through your feelings, and fully accepting what happened. Possibly even directly confronting what started the feelings in the first place, to teach your psyche there is nothing to fear."

 

"Confronting Yuuno..." Nanoha whispered, closing her eyes and visualizing him, still wondering how she felt about him. She could admit she felt pain now when she thought of him, alongside the contradictory feeling of closeness and friendship.

 

"Also, there is something called the Five stages of grief," Lorna continued. "Denial is first, and we worked through that when you admitted that you had been raped. Next comes anger, which we just talked about. You were angry at being violated, and wanted to take it out on anyone you could; they just happened to be there at the wrong time."

 

Nanoha sighed. "So what comes next?"

 

"Bargaining, which I think you've moved into, when you wanted to know how to get over this," the counselor continued. "People generally want to do anything to just make everything go away. Next will be sadness, and finally acceptance. Not everyone goes through all the stages, and some are shorter than others, but most do to some degree. It's also important not to rush the process, to give your mind and body time to adapt."

 

A thought struck Nanoha as she opened her eyes and turned her head. "What about Yuuno? You're helping me through this, helping me sort through my feelings. But what about him? What would he be feeling?"

 

The psychologist inhaled as she thought about it. "It's hard to say without directly examining him, but from everything I understand, he cared about you as much as you did about him, and thus he seemed to feel really guilty for what he did to you; his body was forced to violate someone he cared very much for. He probably hates himself, and wants to atone somehow for what he's done."

 

"Shouldn't he know that he wasn't actually responsible?" Nanoha inquired.

 

"Yes, but in a way, Yuuno was violated, too, and that's even tougher for males, generally speaking," Dr. Lorna explained. "Men generally have an impression that they should be strong, and there's the common perception that men can't be raped, even though it does happen. Rather than face that thought, Yuuno would probably rather assume he alone was guilty of it, hence his strong feelings to somehow atone. In a way, he's hurting as much as you are."

 

"I hadn't even thought of it that way," Nanoha remarked softly, feeling something painful inside, at the thought of what he must be going through. "Could you help him the way you've been helping me? Fate is out looking for him, so I want him to get help, too."

 

Lorna smiled. "I can certainly try, but these sessions are primarily for you right now. We'll deal with Yuuno when he returns. Now, let's try an exercise. Close your eyes, and I'll say a word, and you respond with the first word that comes to mind..."

 

 

 

"I love you, Yuuno-kun," Nanoha cooed, snuggling up to him.

 

"This isn't like you!" he shouted, still struggling against the chains that held him fast, so all he could do was lay there.

 

"You made me like this, so how could I not love you?" she asked, that vacant look still in her eyes.

 

"I'll make you better, I swear!" he said, feeling his skin crawl and tingle at the same time, as she rubbed her full body against his.

 

"Are you really doing that for me?" she asked him. "Isn't it really for yourself, so you won't feel guilt anymore? Nothing will change that, regardless of what happens. But you can still be with me. This is what you really want..."

 

She leaned down to lick his tears, then kiss down his cheek to his neck.

 

"I just..." he started to say, "I just want you back the way you were, even if it wasn't with me..."

 

His skin crawled more as she reached his chest, but to his horror, this was also turning him on; why? He didn't want things to be this way; he wanted things to be normal. He wanted a normal love, and though that was out of reach now, he definitely did not want this kind of Nanoha... didn't he?

 

He shook his head, pulling up all the strength he could muster, and shouted at the top of his lungs.

 

"NANOHA NO!"

 

He came awake, panting, feeling the cool wind against his bare skin, evaporating the small amounts of perspiration that had built up. But something still seemed wrong, as his eyes finally focused and he began receiving telemetry from the rest of his body, and he had the bad thought: [Bare skin?]

 

Someone was on top of him, kissing his bare chest for real, the other hand stroking his boxers. He attempted to sit up, but he found his wrists and ankles bound in a spread-eagle position.

 

"H-hey, stop it!" he ordered, pulling on the binds, his eyes focusing more. "Quinn? What are you doing!?"

 

"Shh, it'll all be over in a little bit," she told him, her voice somehow strangely tinged with sadness. "I promise I can make you feel good, and then you'll see how good it will be to take me along. I can keep you company."

 

Yuuno's mind began to panic, as it repeated [I can't do this!] over and over again. The fear was creeping up, along with the pleasure, but some small part of him found a will to resist, focusing on his magic. The binds holding him were magical, and fairly decent ones, but he just needed to force enough of his own magic into them and then...

 

They broke and he surged upwards as she had begun to pull down his boxer shorts, and he roughly pushed her off to land on the floor, summoning up a chain to wrap around her naked body. Panting, he sat there and stared at her, while she stared back, angry and defiant.

 

"I'll go to the police and tell them you tried to rape me," she told him, trying to turn her body to cover her nudity. "It'll be a long time before you get out of town."

 

He continued to stare at her for quite awhile, almost not believing what had just happened, then sighed and dissolved the bind spell. "Fine, I'll take you along. We'll leave tomorrow morning. Just don't try to do that again."

 

"Thank you," she told him, surprising him by the genuine gratefulness of her tone as she quickly retrieved her robe and headed to the door. She paused a moment before exiting. "Is Nanoha your girlfriend or sister? I know I shouldn't pry, but you were moaning and calling out for her a lot."

 

"You're right, you shouldn't pry," he told her pointedly.

 

She apologized and left the room. Yuuno cast a low level barrier around the bed before going back to sleep; it would protect against further attempts, but truth be told, he was more worried about having the nightmares again.

 

 

 

Quinn awoke the next morning to a surprise, finding herself chained to her bed with Yuuno sitting in a chair nearby. She wondered if she had misjudged his nicer nature, and that he was going to do something horrible to her, in response to what she had done. She hadn't wanted to it, but after two weeks, she couldn't find anyone else willing or able to assist her in finding her brother, and he was her only family left. She'd do anything to save him, because she knew he'd do the same for her.

 

"That spell will last for 4 hours, and then dissolve, but I'll be long gone on a boat for the eastern continent by then," he informed her.

 

She tried to speak or scream, but found she couldn't.

 

"And yes, that's a magical gag over your mouth, too," he explained he explained, then headed for the door, pausing before going through. "I'm sorry to do this to you, but it's for the best. I promise I'll bring your brother back if I can."

 

And then he was gone, and she could only just lay there.

 

However, true to his word, the spells eventually dissipated although she felt another sense of loss, as she had let her guard down and lost a great chance to find her brother. There was also anger at how he had lied to her and chained her down, rejecting her advances as if she wasn't woman enough. Spurned her, even though she had been willing to do anything for him, if he'd just help her.

 

So it was three days later that a gold-haired woman came by with a picture of him, asking if anyone had seen him. She debated inwardly at first if she should say something; if this was that Nanoha he spoke of that was looking for him for some reason, she was still angry enough that she didn't want the two to meet. Odds are, he was looking for her, and she was looking for him, and Quinn would rather he keep looking to find her brother.

 

But then she realized she was probably being a bit harsh, because after all, she was the one who had thrown herself at him and despite her actions, he had still promised to find her brother if he could; he could have just told her he changed her mind before he left, but he still seemed to be willing to go through with the deal.

 

"Hey," Quinn called to the golden-haired woman across the bar room, who slowly turned around to look at her, curious. "I think I've seen the man you're looking for, and I know where he's headed."

 

 

 

The charges were still ongoing, but the Bureau was going to settle with the pair for an undisclosed amount, which satisfied the men. Still, Nanoha would be on administrative lead for another month or two, to "clear her head" before they eased her back into duty. Although, she knew that when they eventually found out she was pregnant, she'd probably end up going off duty again. Still, it was something, and while she partially glad for the break, she still wanted to do something to keep her mind active and perhaps a bit distracted.

 

Fate had e-mailed her at least once a day, letting her know the progress of how things were going, and that she was confident she was on the right track and would find Yuuno soon. As the days passed, Nanoha felt more and more confident she could face him; even though it would be difficult, she could recognize her fears and take steps to confront them, even though the specter of what she might have to do to finally get over them, continued to haunt.

 

Still, things were definitely starting to look better, as she walked towards her next counseling appointment, one week later. She had been able to form a lot of questions in her mind, that she was confident Dr. Lorna could help her with, and even could relate that she had been through sadness, and was finally on her way to full acceptance, the last step.

 

Oh sure, she'd keep seeing the counselor for as long as they felt she needed to, just in case; she was quite aware there was more than she probably needed to know, both about her situation, her feelings, and the things she kept hidden even from herself. But it was all thanks to the counselor that she had gotten this far, although Shamal, Fate, and vita had done their parts. But right now, she wanted to think of something she could do as thanks for Lorna in particular.

 

She rounded the block, suddenly growing confused at the police cars scattered around the street. [What happened?]

 

Curious, she continued walking, a dreadful feeling appearing in her gut the closer she came to them, noting the "police zone" signs and tape surrounding the entryway to a building. And not just any building, the one that held Dr. Lorna's office.

 

In a sudden panic, she broke into a run, covering the rest of the distance, beginning to duck under the tape to get further inside.

 

"Ma'am, you can't come in here, this is an official police investigation," a male officer told her, intercepting her.

 

"My name is Nanoha Takamachi," she told him, for once hoping the weight of her name meant something and could be used. "What's going on here?"

 

"The Nanoha Takamachi, the Ace of Aces?" he asked in disbelief, then shook his head. "Look, I'm sorry, but I can't make any exceptions, you'll have to stand back for now. You can contact my superiors, and if they agree to let you in on this, then I can allow you to pass."

 

"What's going on here?" a familiar female voice asked from the doorway at the top of the short steps.

 

"Teana!" Nanoha shouted, waving. "It's me! What's going on?"

 

Her eyes widened in surprise. "Nanoha? It's okay, officer Malachai, I'll take responsibility for her, so you can let her pass."

 

Nanoha walked up to her, the horrible gut feeling growing worse. "What's going on?"

 

"Did you know a Doctor Lorna?" Teana asked, looking as serious as she'd ever been.

 

"I... had a few appointments with her, including one today," Nanoha admitted, as Teana would find out soon anyway. "Where is she? Did something happen to her?"

 

"Apparently, an ex-boyfriend of one of her patients tracked her down here," Teana explained solemnly. "He broke in and attacked her."

 

"Is she...?" Nanoha started to ask, unable to finish it as her strange numbness increased.

 

"Nanoha, I'm sorry," Teana said, looking straight at her honestly and sadly. "Dr. Lorna is dead."

 

 

Author's notes:

 

I'm beginning to notice how every chapter seems to end by making things worse for Nanoha. She just can't catch a break. Anyway, hope Yuuno's situation comes out a bit more clear, although I'll be addressing it a bit more in future chapters. The Wolkenritter past master stuff is obviously not unique, and it's not something I would normally address, but for the tone of this series, I found it made an interesting fit. Will probably be playing a bit more of a role in the future, too.