Naruto Fan Fiction / Naruto Shippuden Fan Fiction ❯ With You I Will Journey Life's Path ❯ Reparation ( Chapter 8 )

Disclaimer: The characters, items, places etc of Naruto are property of Masashi Kishimoto. These objects are used without permission for entertainment only, not for making money. No infringement is intended.

Chapter 8: Reparation

After a day spent together enjoying the luxuries of the four star hotel and a reasonably relaxed journey home (except for that one incident during a service stop that Itachi refused to acknowledge; all he would say was he never wanted to see glitter again), Itachi was rather pleased to be pulling up outside of his home once more.

"Good to be home," Deidara sighed as he got out of the car.

Itachi had to resist laughing slightly at that, since the reason the car rides had been so arduous in the first place had been mostly Deidara's fault. The long hours on the road and the fact it was almost one in the morning had him deciding to just leave his luggage in the boot, practically falling through the front door.

He stripped his clothes and promptly collapsed onto the bed, climbing under the covers gratefully. As discovered at the wedding he was still having some problems with perfection, so he was very aware that he needed to be awake early for college the next day.

Deidara had made it clear he might just skip, but Itachi couldn't bring himself to purposefully do that. While Deidara had sketch at home and still technically be working, Itachi couldn't do much for his subject without guidance. Studying the world map shower curtain Deidara had bought in a misguided attempt to be helpful wasn't really enough.

He wished he could, though. He wanted to be more normal, and was driven to do so even more now he had had to come clean about the complete disaster his therapy was, as well as the medication.

He knew he might experience side effects, but he hadn't been aware the leaflet's list of 'possible' side effects were going to manifest themselves so strongly- and so many of them! They had left him feeling cripplingly nauseous and dizzy, which he hoped would pass.

It didn't, and the moment he had begun to experience confusion and some alarmingly vivid suicidal thoughts he had terminated usage immediately. The experience had left him wary of seeking a new medication, so he had done what he did best and buried his head in the sand and pretended he would be alright.

He knew such side effects were rare. He knew his doctor would have discontinued treatment as well. Either way, he'd felt sickening guilty for doing so. It was like betraying Deidara, but he'd still done it. He sighed heavily, glancing across to his partner in the bed in the moonlight. He was already fast asleep, and Itachi knew he should be too.

However, after such a long distance drive where he'd needed his full concentration, he couldn't switch off. It left him looking up at the ceiling, wondering where exactly the plans that they had laid out only a few months before had gone astray.

Deidara and he had got together on the condition that he kicked the complex. He knew it would be easier said than done, but he hadn't expected to fail quite as badly as he had done.

He had had a few breakthroughs and courageous moments but mostly he had spent the time attempting to pretend he didn't care about things when in reality he did, consumed with the fear of admitting just how imperfect he really was.

"I'm sorry," he uttered to the sleeping figure of his boyfriend.

Perhaps it was tiredness or perhaps it wasn't, but he felt his throat constrict as he spoke and bit his lip slightly to counter the burn in his eyes. He quickly sat up and slipped from the bed, unwilling to continue the depressing spiral of despair he was falling into.

The living room was cold- they had been away so the heating had been off. Itachi switched it back on and snatched a sweater up from the back of the sofa, putting it on gladly and switching the kettle on.

Sleep wasn't going to come, and the idea of a relaxed coffee in his own home instead of one he had paid an outrageous price for at a service station was appealing.

He cradled the warm mug appreciatively as he curled up on the sofa, flicking the television on to a random movie channel to keep his mind occupied.

While every sensible thought in his mind told him that he really should be going to sleep for college the next day, he ignored the idea and stayed where he was. Right then, all he wanted to do was forget everything and just concentrate on nothing of importance.

"So... Do I want to ask why you look ready to murder something?"

Itachi knew he should have just skipped. Deidara had decided to get up and get ready for college, while Itachi had ended up staying awake all night drinking coffee, thinking about things he really didn't want to be, and watching bad television.

Regardless he was set for college, standing impatiently by the front door waiting for Deidara to locate his sketchbook, or his markers, or his brain- whatever it was, Itachi didn't care. If he stood in the house one minute longer he was going to go to bed, he knew it.

"I'm tired," he replied as patiently as he could manage, knowing taking it out on Deidara was unfair. The poor man had already put up with enough from him. He refused to add to it.

"I know we got to bed late," Deidara sympathised as he threw his bag over his shoulder and slipped past Itachi and out into the cold February morning.

For a moment, Itachi was content to let him think he'd actually slept, but he changed his mind. He had promised to be more open, so he closed the door with a heavy sigh and shook his head.

"I was up all night, actually. I couldn't sleep."

"Oh. You remember what happened last time you went to college without any sleep, don't you?" Without waiting for Itachi to continue, Deidara helpfully reminded him. "You ended up crying on a desk in the art lab then sleeping."

"I remember."

"So shouldn't we just turn around and go back to bed?"

Itachi hesitated, moments away from opening the car door. He stood poised with his key in his hand before finally letting it drop, glancing across to Deidara.

"Skipping college promotes imperfection," he said slowly.

"You can just tell them we got delayed coming back from our trip. You need the sleep, Itachi."

"I know I should follow what you say and go back inside," Itachi admitted, keeping his eyes to the floor. "But I can't. You know that- you know how this works."

"But who are you trying to look perfect for? Me? Your father?"

"No. Just... People."

"Who cares what a bunch of random people at college think?" Deidara argued with a shrug. "They probably won't even notice."

"My teacher will."

"And she knows you're smart and you'll catch the work up. I doubt she'll be impressed with you falling asleep at your desk, yeah."

"I wouldn't. I might be tired, but I have some restraint."

"Alright," Deidara nodded after a moment, taking Itachi's arm. "I said I'd help you, so I'm going to do the best thing for you right now. Come on."

With that he dragged Itachi back up the garden path, opening the door and pushing him forcefully back inside. Itachi struggled, but it was quite half hearted. He didn't really want to go in the first place after all. He didn't protest when Deidara pushed him into the bed, putting his hands on his hips and glaring sternly at him.

"Get some sleep," he demanded, before storming out the room and slamming the door forcefully behind him.

Itachi knew that it was his way of trying to act with authority, but all it did was make him smile as he removed his contacts. The bed was inviting, and now he was in it he didn't want to get back up again- a trap he was happy to be snared by, asleep within seconds of his head touching his pillow.

Therapy, Itachi had decided after the first couple of sessions, made him more frustrated than any ridiculous stunt Deidara could pull. The lady had some good points, but now he was stuck in a clinical doctor's waiting room with Sasuke and Deidara acting as his guards to tell her the rest of what she had to say wasn't working out.

"Itachi?" The lady in question called from her doorway, a pleasant smile gracing her lips.

She glanced at Deidara and Sasuke as they entered as well, but said nothing. She simply set aside another couple of chairs for them, and directed them all a smile as they sat down.

"And who have we here today?"

"This is my brother, Sasuke, and my boyfriend Deidara," Itachi introduced. She knew of his relationship- he'd mentioned it in the first session, thankful when she didn't make a big deal out of it. "They're here for... Moral support."

"That isn't quite true," Sasuke spoke up immediately.

Itachi closed his mouth, deciding to just let them do all the talking. He could word things delicately- his companions would tear it to pieces in seconds, so he resolved himself to just letting them have their way.

"We're here because Itachi is the master of covering how he truly feels," Deidara said, his eyes determined. "Whatever you're doing, it's not working. I don't know if it's because he hasn't been honest about his past, or why he's here, or whatnot, but we need to make it work because right now not much is changing."

"I thought you'd made some progress?" She asked kindly as he turned her gaze to Itachi concernedly.

"I have," Itachi confirmed. "A few things here and there. Overall though... They're right, and they'll explain it better than I ever could."

"That's because we'll be blunt about it," Sasuke reasoned. "He isn't taking the diazepam."

With the first secret told, the rest came tumbling out from a mix of Deidara and Sasuke. They told the therapist about his struggles, how he ran away from or tried to hide from problems, how he was still trying to be perfect, how his relationship was at stake if he didn't fix this. Itachi simply sat and listened, hands clasped in his lap and eyes downcast.

"When we got back from the wedding, he stayed up all night," Deidara told her. They'd filled her in on the basic details of the wedding, since that was where they had found out most of their details. "I made him stay home from college the next day so he could sleep, yeah."

"Did you stay behind willingly?" The therapist asked Itachi.

She had directed every single question to him, but he defaulted to silence and a glance at his guides every time to field it for him, and now was no different.

"No, I had to drag him back to bed," Deidara interjected.

"Did you return to college that day, Itachi?"

"Like hell he did. I told him not to. I'd have chained him to the bed if I'd had to, yeah. I promised to help him, which is why I'm here and why I did that."

"Has he even told you why he's here?" Sasuke piped up.

"I know he has a perfection complex," the therapist replied, finally addressing Sasuke directly. "I have to admit, he hasn't told me why though."

"Seriously?" Sasuke sighed. "Itachi- seriously? How is she supposed to help you if you don't tell her why you're the way you are!"

Suitably scolded, Itachi said nothing and let Sasuke take the reins which he did with gusto, explaining in his typical blunt fashion about the household they had grown up in, his feud with his mother for it, his willingness to be perfect for his father, and how he had felt he was unlovable unless he was perfect.

"We've touched on something, haven't we?" The therapist interrupted softly, glancing to Itachi. Itachi didn't meet her gaze, biting his lip and staring down at the floor. He had his hands so tightly wound together his knuckles were white.

"Continue," Itachi ordered Sasuke, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Not until you tell us why you look so troubled."

"You said it yourself," Itachi finally relented. "I'm unlovable unless I'm perfect."

"That's such- Itachi, seriously, you believe that?" Sasuke asked in disbelief. "I thought you realised that your projections about perfection were completely wrong when you spoke to Dad about it all."

"And besides, you managed to end up in a relationship with someone didn't you? Deidara loves you for who you are-"

"He met me when I was perfect!" Itachi hissed, shaking his head.

"Can I just add something here?" Deidara asked, raising one hand slightly to gain their attention.

"The first afternoon I spent with you, drawing you- I knew you weren't perfect, yeah. It was an act, and I was intrigued by why you went to such lengths to be that way."

"I fell for you over time when you started to slip around me, and I realised you were an amazing person. All people have flaws, and when yours shined through it made me appreciate you even more."

"You're my big brother," Sasuke added. "I... Look, I love you, alright? And I'll love you even if you commit murder or hate me or whatever, because that's what siblings do. I don't care how perfect you are, as long as you're in my life."

All Itachi wanted to do at that moment was run away and cry in some dark corner until he felt better, which could take a while. He'd always been told therapy was draining but he'd never experienced it until now, but he supposed that was because he'd never actually talked properly in a session.

"Itachi," the therapist remarked quietly to gain his attention.

"You have two very remarkable supports here. Now I have more information, I can see this runs a lot deeper than just a simple complex. This is hard wired into you- it's going to take more than just a few kind words and encouragement to break it, isn't it?"

Itachi didn't know if the question was rhetorical, but he ignored it anyway. That much was now obvious.

"I think we've probably had enough for today," she continued gently. "You're welcome to stay here until you've collected yourself, Itachi. I'll leave you to do so."

She slipped from the room quietly, closing the door with a click behind her. Itachi refused to meet Deidara and Sasuke's concerned glances, standing up with every intention of following her out without another word.

"Stop," Deidara whispered as he reached for the door handle, getting up and wrapping his arms around his partner's neck, leaning up against his back and holding him tightly. "Please. You don't need to do this anymore."

While he was vague in his words, Itachi knew he wasn't simply asking him not to leave the room. He put his hands up against the white painted door and tipped his head forward so his forehead lightly touched it, closing his eyes tightly.

"Itachi," Sasuke called, unable to stay quiet either. "He's right. It stops now, alright? Your doctor appointment is in ten minutes, and you need to tell him what happened with the diazepam. He'll change the category of medication he gives you, but be prepared for the possibility that you may still have side effects-"

"Sasuke," Itachi cut in. "I know."

Sasuke knew it was a plea for him to stay silent, which he heeded without question.

"Itachi."

Itachi found himself being pulled from the clutches of sleep by Deidara, looking mildly concerned as he shook his shoulder gently.

"It's nearly six am," Deidara told him quietly. "You need to get up, yeah."

Itachi stayed exactly where he was, closing his eyes again wearily. It had been a week since he had started taking his new medication, and after a few days he had begun to notice side effects.

The most pressing was the fatigue- it left him collapsing into bed at nine pm, waking at six feeling horrifically tired still, and spending most of the college day feeling half-dead and wishing to go back to sleep.

While anything was preferable to his last, more serious side effect he was still lamenting this one. It made functioning impossible, let alone functioning to the best of his ability.

"Do you need to stay home today?" Deidara asked, still looking concerned. His words were enough to finally allow Itachi to pull himself up into a seated position, rubbing at his tired eyes in an effort to get himself to wake up more.

"No," he replied quietly. "It's just the medication. I'll be fine."

He wouldn't be fine. He'd spend another day trying not to fall asleep at his desk, wishing to get home so he could rest once more. He knew it would pass but that didn't stop it being irritating while it was present. The lesser side effect of nausea was nothing compared.

He dragged himself to go and shower, allowing the water to directly spray his face in an effort to help wash away the fatigue. As always, it didn't work.

He closed his eyes in frustration, feeling despair wash over him- how much longer was he going to have to function like this? His standard of work was already beginning to slip, he wasn't getting any time to study, let alone time with Deidara.

He'd been eating the quickest, easiest thing in the kitchen for dinner if he didn't fall asleep before it. The medication was supposed to make him better, not destroy every other aspect of life- he could stop worrying about being perfect, but at what cost?

He was being dramatic, he told himself. It was a simple side effect and would fade with time. He would brave it like he always did with a poker face and elegance, and force himself to start another day.

He couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to step out of the shower. He leant against the cool tiled wall, letting the spray wash over him in an almost comforting manner, eyes closed and wishing that he could just go back to bed even though in reality that wouldn't change how he felt.

He tried to shake the mood, making himself turn the water off and get out. He didn't like to start the day feeling so despondent- the rest of the day would surely follow the same path.

Once he and Deidara were standing on the pavement next to his car, Itachi shook his head and began to walk down the street. Deidara followed, looking confused.

"We'll take public transport," Itachi told him. "I'm too tired to drive."

"If you're too tired to drive then you need to get some more rest," Deidara argued.

"I had plenty of sleep. I'll be fine when we get to college."

One short walk, a train ride, and another short walk later, and he wasn't feeling better. Deidara could tell as they stood outside of the college gates, putting one sympathetic hand to his boyfriend's arm.

"What's going on?" He asked softly. "Is it just the medication doing this to you?"

"Yes," Itachi confirmed. "It will pass. I can't allow it to interrupt my life any further than it already has."

Deidara tentatively let his hand drop, saying no more on the matter as they passed over the threshold of the college. As they walked Itachi kept his gaze on the floor, telling himself to snap out of his mood while Deidara kept his eyes on their surroundings. As a result, he noticed somebody rather important before Itachi did.

"Your teacher's heading this way," he whispered, causing Itachi to snap his eyes up and meet the lady's gaze. She gave them both a smile, turning her attention to Itachi with an expression mildly akin to concern in her eyes.

"Itachi, could I have a word please?" She requested.

"Anything you have to say can be said with Deidara present," Itachi told her politely. She nodded, glancing to Deidara before turning back to him.

"I'm glad I saw you- I was hoping I would if I waited near the gates. We had an interesting visitor arrive yesterday after hours as I was getting ready to head home, requesting to see 'your teacher'."

"Oh?" Itachi asked, intrigued. "Do go on."

"He said he was your uncle Madara."

"What?" Itachi hissed, narrowing his eyes. "What did he want?"

"He told me..." The lady looked uncomfortable for a moment before continuing.

"He explained that you shouldn't be studying my subject, and instead I should convince you to join the business studies course. You're a good student, Itachi, and I know you like what I teach- I couldn't do that to you."

"That... That..." Itachi stammered, attempting to find the politest way to phrase the not-very-polite thoughts in his mind right then.

"That fucking jerk!" Deidara filled in for him angrily, balling his fists. "Is that the game he's going to play, huh?"

"Apparently so," Itachi replied, silently seething. "Thank you for your honesty. I apologize for the fact that my uncle bothered you in such a manner."

"It's alright, Itachi. I'm not going to pry into what's going on, but I'd be upset to see you quit my class."

"I won't," Itachi promised. "I enjoy it- you said as much yourself."

"Good. Alright then- I'll see you in class. Take care."

With that she turned and headed away, leaving Itachi and Deidara rooted to the spot in shock and irritation.

"I can't believe him!" Deidara ground out in annoyance.

"Unfortunately I can," Itachi sighed, fatigue and earlier worries momentarily forgotten. "Just ignore that it happened. That's the best course of action."

"I'm not going to be my uncle's puppet, no matter how much he wants me to be. All this says to me is that he wants my father to take over the business, but he wants me as part of that deal as well."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"Good for my father, bad for me."

"Oh. What's he even doing down this way anyway? Doesn't he live hours away?"

"If you mean the house we went to, then no. That's his holiday home. It's in a good location for networking around the northern part of the country, for meetings or such."

"He owns two houses?"

"Technically my father owns three of them," Itachi replied with a tiny, sheepish shrug. "Sasuke and I are living in houses he bought for us. The business is very successful and gives a very decent wage to go with it."

"And you're still not interested in it?" Deidara asked, looking a little awkward.

"Do I look like the type of person to place value on material things?" Itachi chuckled. "My father bought my car, too- I chose it, just like Sasuke chose his own too. That is why I own a sensible car and my brother will own a Skyline should he pass his driving test."

He faltered a little, looking momentarily troubled. "I do feel it would be correct to get a job and pay my own way, but I would have to work full time, which I can't do right now. As soon as I'm qualified, I plan to start paying him back."

Deidara gave him a smile, looking proud. "You're so kind, yeah. Why can't your brother be more like you?"

"Don't start," Itachi asked with a heavy sigh.

"So what are we going to do about Madara?"

"It's alright," Itachi replied, giving him a soft smile. "I can handle it. I have a plan, remember?"

As soon as they had parted ways, Itachi slipped around a corner and pulled his mobile phone from his pocket. He speed dialled Sasuke, waiting impatiently for the phone to connect.

"Sasuke?" He said as it did. "Can you talk?"

"I guess. What's up, Itachi?"

Itachi recounted the events that had happened to his brother, who listened in silence for the whole story before speaking.

"What's your problem?"

Itachi hadn't been expecting that answer. "My problem, Sasuke, is that Madara thinks he's going to play games with me. I want you to be on the lookout for the same kind of treatment. I wouldn't put it past him to pull a similar kind of stunt with you."

"Maybe he actually knows what he's talking about," Sasuke replied cryptically. "I have to get to class. I'll speak to you later."

He hung up, leaving Itachi staring at his phone in disbelief. Sasuke had just defended Madara- the same man who not that long ago, he had been annoyed to even be in the same vicinity as. He put his phone away, deep in thought as he made his way to his class.

It was always possible Madara had already planted some kind of seed into his sibling's mind. Sasuke could be easily manipulated if you pressed the right buttons. Itachi knew- he'd done it numerous times in the past. All he needed to work out was what buttons Madara had pressed, and how it benefited their dear uncle in the meantime.

All Itachi wanted to do when they arrived home was collapse into bed and not emerge for a week. However he was greeted by a surprise on his doorstep, in the form of his younger sibling.

"You didn't take your car?" He questioned, one eyebrow raised in confusion. He completely ignored Deidara's presence, which was to be expected.

"I was tired this morning. You're welcome to come in, but I'm not cooking tonight, Sasuke. I'm too exhausted to play host."

"It's okay," Sasuke shrugged. "Make Blondie cook. It's about time he did something useful around here, isn't it? He must be able to make something vaguely passable, surely?"

"Deidara could burn cereal without a step by step recipe telling him how to prepare it," Itachi contradicted.

"So what does he do to contribute?" Sasuke continued as they headed inside. "I mean, he lives here rent free in your house."

"It's our house," Itachi corrected.

"Wrong. Dad paid for it and gave it to you, not him."

"What crawled up your ass and died?" Deidara demanded to know. "You're being more spiteful than usual, yeah."

"I'm stating a fact. Don't you feel guilty leeching?"

"That's enough Sasuke," Itachi warned. "Did you come here to start a fight?"

"You're siding with him?"

"I am," Itachi confirmed. "You attacked him within seconds of us arriving, so of course I am."

"I see. Water is thicker than blood?"

"What's got in to you today?" Itachi mused with a tired sigh as he fell back onto the sofa and closed his eyes. "I'm shattered. Do you have to start fights?"

"He's using you," Sasuke hissed, eyes narrowed sharply. "Can't you see it?"

Itachi's eyes snapped open immediately, glancing across to Deidara who had gone from looking annoyed to looking hurt. "Let me handle this," he murmured to his partner, indicating the door. Deidara looked hesitant, but he left the room regardless.

"What did Madara say to you?" Itachi asked, standing by the door to block Sasuke's escape route should he try to use it.

"What makes you think he did?"

"The way you're acting. I can read you like a book. He's using me? Those words might as well be straight out of Madara's repertoire. You've never had that opinion before and I don't buy that you've suddenly had an epiphany regarding the idea."

They were interrupted by the sound of the telephone ringing. Itachi glanced at it with a weary sigh, moving to get it. He wasn't surprised that Sasuke took the opportunity to head straight for the door as he did so.

Deidara glanced at Sasuke from his post leaning against the hallway wall, eyes narrowed in annoyance as Sasuke moved past him to the door without a word.

"Do you honestly think that I'm leeching from him?" Deidara asked, a hint of worry in his voice.

Sasuke paused, glancing over his shoulder with a smirk on his lips. "Of course. I'd be surprised if he didn't as well. You spread your art all over the place like some kind of plague, and you expect him to be alright with that?"

"He doesn't mind," Deidara argued, but his voice was weak and faltering.

"Itachi's very polite," Sasuke shrugged as he turned and walked slowly towards Deidara. "Do you know the best thing you could do for him right now?"

He stopped a couple of steps from Deidara's face. There was only an inch in height between them but Sasuke more than made up for it in intimidation.

"You should leave," he concluded in a threatening whisper. "Pack your stuff, and get out of his life. He could recover easier without having to worry about keeping you happy, don't you think?"

"You're just being a spiteful little brat," Deidara hissed at him.

"Am I?" Sasuke shrugged. "Think about it. You know I'm right."

He turned on his heel and exited, slamming the front door behind him. Deidara stood there, stunned, staring at the door until Itachi re-opened the living room door next to him.

"Who was that?" He asked, not daring to glance round at Itachi.

"Just my father. Is everything alright?"

In that moment, Deidara had a choice. He could tell Itachi what his little brother had said, or he could pretend that it hadn't happened. He sighed, shaking his head and forcing a smile onto his lips.

"I'm fine," he smiled. Itachi didn't look convinced, but he stepped past Deidara and headed for the bedroom.

"I'm going to get an hour's sleep," he called over his shoulder. "Alright?"

"Sure," Deidara nodded, glad to be out of the spotlight. As much as he hated to admit it there was a shred of evidence in Sasuke's words that his presence could be construed as leeching, and that very shred kept his lips sealed in shame.

Chapter End