Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Akatsuki Teachers!! ❯ The Meeting ( Chapter 1 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Akatsuki Teachers!!
By: xdriftingxawayxinxthexdarknessx

Chapter One
The Meeting

It was a typical Akatsuki day. Everybody was hanging out in the den because there were no missions to be completed and thus, everybody had a lot of free time on their hands. Too much free time, perhaps.

Itachi was glaring blood-stained daggers (You know, his Sharigan) at Kisame who was singing "I'm Blue" by Eiffel 65 over and over again as he touched up his sword.

Deidara and Sasori were fighting about art as usual. But physically this time. The two were caught in a dust cloud and only their fists, legs, and occasionally heads, could be seen.

Zetsu was eyeballing Tobi, who was dancing like a complete retard around the room, looking as if he was ready to eat him while his two personalities clashed over something ridiculously stupid. Again.

Hidan and Kakuzu were screaming at each other at the top of their lungs, as usual, their foreheads pressed together as they barked out insults left and right. Hidan was going red in the face as he cussed Kakuzu out with every swear word he knew, switching to a different language when he ran out of words in Japanese, while Kakuzu looked like he was about to go overboard and looked like he wanted to rip Hidan's head off. Again.

Sir Leader and the blue-haired Unknown Member observed this with a sweatdrop each. These guys obviously weren't raised right, Unknown Member thought, as she/he watched Sasori grab Deidara by his golden ponytail only to be put in a literally breath-taking headlock. Didn't Kakuzu finish anger management just nine months ago? Sir Leader thought, getting an anime vein when he saw Kakuzu let out an angry, loud "YARRRRRGGGHHH!!!" and grabbing Hidan by his silver-blond hair and proceeding to smash his face against the wall. No wait, Kakuzu killed the therapist thirty minutes before his time was up on the last day.

"HEY!" Sir Leader screamed at the top of his lungs, when he saw blood pouring out of Hidan's now broken nose and flowing abundantly all over the black wallpaper and plush-cream carpet. "DO YOU FUCKHEADS KNOW HOW MUCH I PAID FOR THAT!??!? HUH, DO YA!?!?"

Just as he was about to throw a large boulder at them, which conviently appeared out of nowhere, Unknown Member grabbed him by his shoulders and hissed into his ears, "Remember the breathing exercises I taught you…remember the breathing exercises…"

Sir Leader did as he was told and put the boulder down while Kakuzu and Hidan, having been backed into a corner, clutched each in fear. They were probably more scared of Sir Leader trying to calm down and breathe, which looked more like a dog growling and a bomb about to denote, than they were of him about to crush them both with a boulder.

He opened his eyes after about ten seconds, causing Hidan to squeak in fear and Kakuzu whimper, and observed the other Akatsuki members. They're completely unmanageable when they're not occupied with some sort of activity obviously. It seems they've been stuck in the cave too long. They haven't had many missions for awhile because we've caught most of the Biju. Hmm…what to do, what to do…

"Unknown Member, meet me in my office. We need to do something about this," Sir Leader said, gesturing to the Akatsuki members. Unknown Member nodded and the two quietly slipped from the room.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++

~* The Next Day, In The Den *~

"I'm blue, if I was green I would die, if I was green I would-"

"KISAME, IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE IN THE MOST PAINFUL WAY UNIMAGINABLE!!! SO WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP!!!!"

"Why don't you shut up Itachi? You meanie head." Kisame stuck his tongue out at Itachi.

Itachi's eyes flared with anger. "What?"

"You heard me." Kisame got up and stuck an Eiffel 65 CD in the large stereo system they had in the den, putting it on "I'm Blue" and turning it up at max.

Itachi let an inhuman roar of rage and lunged at Kisame, knocking the taller man down with surprising strength.

Meanwhile, Deidara and Sasori were arguing.

"I know you did it, Deidara, so just admit it," Sasori snapped.

"I never touched your fucking puppet, un!"

"YOU LIAR!!!"

"Say that one more time and I'll pop you in the eye, un!" Deidara whipped out a clay bird for emphasis.

Suddenly, the door was knocked off its hinges and hit the opposite wall as Kakuzu stalked in angrily, his vibrant green eyes searching the room, landing on Hidan who was leaning against the stereo whistling innocently.

"Where's my money, church boy!?" Kakuzu started walking towards him.

Hidan's head whipped towards him. "What? What the fuck are you going on about now, Kakuzu?!? Why the hell would I touch your friggin' money?"

"Because you like to piss me off, pretty boy!"

"Don't call me pretty boy, you old fart!"

Kakuzu grabbed Hidan by the neck with both hands and started shaking him like a rag doll.

"WHERE'S MY MONEY, BITCH!?!?!?!?"

"Someone save me!!" Kisame screamed as he was forced on his stomach with Itachi tugging at one of his legs hard while he held Kisame in an airtight headlock.

"T-T-T-Tobi's a good boy, Zetsu-san!" Tobi whimpered as Zetsu loomed over ominously with a killer aura radiating off him.

"Let's eat him," Zetsu said, licking his lips.

"Yes, let's," said his black half.

Sasori dodged a flying clay bird Deidara threw at him. "Ha, missed!"

WHUD!

Sasori's eyes widened in pain and his mouth dropped as Deidara kicked him right in the "family jewels."

"I didn't miss, un! I got right on target!" Deidara boasted proudly as Sasori sank to the ground in silent pain.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!" Itachi screamed, as he punched Kisame in the face, while attempting, and failing, to break his leg. Kisame loosened his leg from Itachi's grip while practically breaking his neck dodging Itachi's punches and kicked the Uchiha in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him and sending the male flying across the room where he collided face-first into the wall. Kisame took advantage of this situation and quickly scrambled out of the room.

Kakuzu succeeded in breaking Hidan's neck and letting him fall limply to the ground, and started digging through the albino's pockets while being cussed out in a loud obnoxious voice.

"I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU MOTHERFUCKING-CUNT FACED-FAT-OLD-"

Kakuzu retrieved his money and merely flipped Hidan off as he walked out of the room, whistling happily. Hidan cursed and managed to fix his neck, then grabbing his scythe and stalking out of the room, a dangerous aura surrounding him as he muttered about sacrificing his partner to Jashin.

Tobi screamed and dashed away quickly, with Zetsu on his tail making chomping noises to patronize him. They both started to run in circles around the room repeatedly.

Sasori slowly got to his feet as Deidara was basking in his glory and grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him around, proceeding to punch him repeatedly in the face. Deidara started struggling and both of them ended up wrestling on the floor, groaning and grunting. (Not in that way, people…)

Suddenly, Sir Leader started speaking from the speaker on the ceiling, which meant he was in the Meeting Room and was calling them in.

"Gather, you bastards, I have something to announce so hurry up and get your sorry asses in the Meeting Room." The speaker clicked and went silent.

~*~*~

Sir Leader and Unknown Member sat side by side at a large round table. There were about ten seats around the table. The Leader and Unknown member were occupying tow of them.

"They're late. How predictable," Sir Leader grumbled, rolling his eyes. Unknown Member smiled weakly, not wanting to say anything that would incite Sir Leader's anger even more.

A few minutes later, the rest of the Akatsuki members walked in. The results of their fighting was horrendous. Itachi had broken Kisame's leg because of the way Kisame limped and the way it was twisted while having received a large black eye as well. Deidara had a bloody nose and a black eye as well while Sasori was attempting to fix an arm that had been ripped off and blown into several large pieces. Hidan had several horrible red marks from where Kakuzu attempted to strangle him and Kakuzu himself had several rips in his clothing and deep wounds that he gotten earlier that had yet to be healed. Tobi was covered in saliva and looked like he had sustained no wounds, although he looked sacred to death and Zetsu looked disappointed but unscratched also.

Sir Leader observed all this with an evil eye as the members sat down. If they all start fighting at the silliest thing, how can I trust them to keep their tempers in check when they get back-sassed when I send them to the high school to teach?

"Akatsuki members," he started, deciding to get this show on the road. "You're probably wondering why I called you here today."

Hidan rolled his eyes. No shit, Sherlock.

"I called you here on this very day to your discuss your lack of…discipline."

Lack of discipline? That's my line, Itachi thought angrily, giving the leader the evil eye that could well match his own.

"So Unknown Member and I have had a meeting on what we should do about this unfortunate situation."

Unknown Member smiled weakly at the other members who were glaring daggers at him/her before jumping out of her/his seat and making a mad dash towards the door, a stampede of the rest of the Akatsuki members rumbling behind him/her.

"And so therefore-HEY! WHAT THE @#$% ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING!?!?!?!? RETURN TO YOUR SEATS NOW!!!"

Sir Leader slammed his fist down on a large red button on one of the arms of his chair and the tall doors atomically closed. The members returned to their seats with Unknown Member remaining several feet behind them as he/she walked back to her/his own seat.

As soon as Unknown Member sat down, Sir Leader turned to face him/her and bitchslapped him/her hard around the face, leaving a very red bruise on her/his face. The smacking sound echoed through the room.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY RIGHT-HAND MAN/WOMAN AND YET YOU ACT LIKE THESE FUCKTARDS OVER HERE!?!?!?!?!? CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY THAT YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!!!!"

The Akatsuki members observed this with wide eyes and all made mental notes to not get on the bad side of Sir Leader ever again. Unknown Member acknowledged Sir Leader's rant with a whimper of pain as a response and Sir Leader nodded and turned back to the rest of the Akatsuki members. Unknown Member sank into his/her seat in humiliation.

"Ahem-as I was saying before that…disruption…" Insert evil eye glare from Sir Leader to Unknown Member who sinks even deeper into his/her seat so only her/his white flower barrette can be seen. "Unknown Member and I had a meeting to discuss this atrocious behavior that has been occurring lately. And we have come up with a solution to this problem."

All the Akatsuki members gulped and shrank back in fear.

"We have decided-UNKNOWN MEMBER, SIT UP RIGHT NOW!" Unknown member immediately sit up in his/her chair. "-that we will all be volunteering as teachers at Kohona High so you'll all be taught patience and fairness. I'd try anger management but that idea went down the drain when I learned that Kakuzu had killed the only therapist we had for that matter-" Sir Leader threw an evil look at Kakuzu at this point. "And the fact that no one else would possibly take that job out of fear of Kakuzu-" Another evil look. "And the fact that we are one of the most infamous mobster gangs in history. This matter was discussed and is closed. NO EXCEPTIONS! This decision was made by me and closed. It's final. You'll each be getting a teacher position that I specifically chose for each member. Any questions?" Sir Leader raised an eyebrow expectedly.

Everybody started speaking atomically. It was mass chaos.

"This is stupid! Why do we-"

"Will I get art, un?"

"WHAT!? Why should Deidara get art? That's not-"

"How much will this pay?"

"Is there a religion class?"

"This is weak. Why is it weak? Because it lacks…a torturing class!"

"ITACHI, SHUT THE HELL UP!!"

"Tobi is a good boy!!"

"Shut up!!"

"Uawahhhhh!! Tobi is a good boy, Tobi is a good boy!!"

(Zetsu attempting to eat Tobi.)

BOOM!!

"DEIDARA, WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

"Can I bring my pet goldfish with me to class, Sir Leader?"

"NO!!"

"Aww…"

"Deidara! You blew off my arm! AGAIN!!"

"Sorry, Sasori-donna!"

"You're not sorry! You did that on purpose, you stupid blonde!"

"What did you just call me!?"

"You heard me!"

"Guys, calm down-"

(Unknown Member steps between the pair.)

"DEIDARA, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID TO THE @#$%ING DOOR!?!?!?"

"I'm sorry, Sir Leader! I'll fix it!"

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!"

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"

(Sir Leader starts chasing Deidara around the room throwing sharp objects at him. Some of them meet their intended target.)

"NO, SIR LEADER!! REMEMBER TO BREATHE, REMEMBER TO BREATHE!!!!"

(Unknown Member grabs Sir Leader by his arms and drags him away from Deidara who is cowering in a corner.)

"EVERYBODY, GET OUT!!! JUST GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Sir Leader?"

"WHAT, HIDAN!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

"Is there a religious class where I can sacrifice the students?"

Sir Leader suddenly looms over Hidan, who sweatdrops, breathing fire in his face with hands curled up into cat claws. The rest of the Akatsuki takes this as their cue to leave so they dash while they still can so they don't get caught in the path of Sir Leader's rage.

It was a will-known fact that Sir Leader had an exploding headache for days after the meeting.

--To Be Continued--

A/N: I hope you like this. I first posted this on www.fanfiction.net by the name of xxxbloodyxxxdreamsxxx. I'm currently working on the second chapter. (more like struggling actually.) This is rated young adult for all the language in it basically. There's not going to be any sex in it or anything although there might be some crude innunendo-_- Reviews are appreciated if you care to leave one. Let me know what you think so far^^ Just don't flame me 'cause flames are the opposite twin of putdowns. The next chapter will probably take a little while to get out since I'm considering on re-doing it. Alright, I hope you enjoyed this^^ Bye!