Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Alone in the World ❯ Naruto's Journal ( Chapter 6 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

After Kakashi, Sasuke and Sakura left Naruto’s house they went their separate ways. Sakura went home, and it wasn’t until she had gotten into her room that she noticed that she still had Naruto’s journal in her possession. ‘Uh-oh,’ she thought, ‘he’s bound to notice that it’s missing sooner or later…’

She sat down on the edge of her bed and held it in her lap. She was tempted to read it. She reached out to open it, but instead of opening it, she just laid her hand on the cover. Her fingers twitched. She sighed and grabbed the book in both hands, ready to open it, but she hesitated again.

Naruto was her friend, and by reading his journal she would be intruding in his personal space. If he ever found out, which is most likely going to happen, he would never forgive her, right? She bit her bottom lip in thought. But she had to know what was bothering him. She had to know if maybe it was something that she did. Or maybe something that she would be able to help with.

She began to open the journal again, but snapped it shut, ‘Not here,’ she thought, ‘I can’t read it here.’ She looked around, then out her window. It was dark out, but the moon and stars were bright, so she would still be able to see. She walked to her window and opened it, leaning her head out. There was a light breeze and she breathed deeply, then looked around her house to make sure nobody was around to see her leave. She climbed out, silently creeping to the edge of the roof. She looked over the edge to see if there was space for her to land. She then jumped down, landing in a crouch. She stayed like that for a few moments, processing her surroundings.

She straightened, dusting her clothes off, and began walking to the nearby woods, clutching Naruto’s journal in her hands.

She came upon a clearing and plopped down in the middle, her legs tucked under her. This wasn’t just any random clearing. Naruto, Sasuke, and herself frequented this clearing a lot. Sometimes just to hang out, but the majority of the time they were here to either practice or wait for Kakashi to arrive so they could begin their training.

She held the book in her lap, her fingers idly stroking the cover. She opened the book, her hands shaking. Her heart thudded in her chest. She didn’t know why she was so nervous. Why she felt so horrible. She wanted to know, needed to know. Naruto was her friend. He really was. She cared about him and wanted to help him. And if betraying him was the only way then…But she was jumping ahead of herself. She hadn’t even talked to him. She just automatically broke into his home and stole his journal without even trying to speak with him. Not really.

Guilt. Indecision. Betrayal. Doubt. All ran through Sakura, but she couldn’t stop herself. Ever since yesterday when she saw Naruto crying, it had nagged at her. And then when he missed training this morning…She squeezed her eyes shut, thinking. She inhaled deeply, then exhaled slowly. Letting the air, along with all the negative emotions she was feeling out.

I’ve never felt this alone before. All alone among these people who I’ve started to call my ‘family.’ I don’t now what they consider me…a nuisance, most likely. I don’t know. I’m not a mind reader. I always feel left out and out of place. I year for love and attention. I start to wanna cry and depressed from my feelings of loneliness and desperation. I’ll close my eyes and cry on the inside. I wanna go outside and just run away from it all. None of it matters. No matter which way I run, my loneliness will guide me back…

Sakura wrenched her eyes away, her heard contracting in her chest. She clenched her eyes shut. There was more, so much more, but she couldn’t continue reading it. If everything in his journal was like this then she didn’t want to read it anymore. She took a shaky breath and opened her eyes.

…Shit, what am I saying? I didn’t go through all that heartache to let a few shitty days get to me like this…Every day it gets a little harder to hold it back. If I keep going like this then I’m going to end up having a break down. So I write it all down. Every single thing that I feel and it helps. A little anyway…I’ve got to go. It’s late and I have to get up extra early tomorrow for a little extra training before I have to meet up with Kakashi-Sensei(sp?) and the others…I will get stronger…

The pen sort of dragged off the page as if Naruto was too tired to even lift the pen off the paper. Sakura took another deep, shaky breath and turned to page. The next page was filled with cuss words in black ink, overlapping each other. They were etched into the paper and in some places the pen had gone right through the page and onto the next.
She didn’t know what to make of it. She studied it for a few moments, tentatively touching the words. She could almost feel the anger emanating from the page. It scared her.

She turned the page. Empty. She turned the page again. It was black. Pitch black. She sniffed. Permanent marker. Other than that it was empty as well. She had a feeling that it wasn’t finished yet. She flipped through the notebook. Most of the pages were either blank or had deep, black scribbles on them. She finally came to one that had writing on it. ‘What the hell made me write this?’ was written on the top. She raised an eyebrow at this. ‘He must have come back and wrote that afterwards,’ she surmised.

Ah…so we meet again old foe…No. I never thought you truly defeated, only a fool would think that. But I thought I’d get at least a few more moons of respite. Just a few. But it seems my plans must be tossed aside. For it seems you have returned and with a vengeance…Yes. I am ready. I have the will to continue. Do not think you will defeat me so easily. You’ve just caught me unaware…and no. My old wounds have yet to heal. But no worries. I have fought in this condition before...I have. I have gotten stronger…You laugh. You think me overconfident. I have trained. I strained myself to the max. For I knew you would return. I am not a fool. Despite what others believe. They have yet to see…don’t laugh at me! Who are you to laugh at me! You would be nothing without me! Ha! You feel it, don’t you? The stirring. Yes, I feel it. I’ve felt it for a while now. What does it mean, you ask? I don’t know. But enough of this. Let us commence with our battle. Let this struggle between you and I be done with…Yes. This is the end. For either you or I, I cannot say. But when the dust settles only one will be left standing. You think me foolish? Brash? That I act in desperation? But it is not so. It’s true. I had planned to prepare more, but my skills will be sufficient enough. They’ll have to be…enough! This will be the end…yes…I’ll miss you too…I’ll miss the waiting…waiting to see if you’ll grip my heart with your cold fingers once again…you still don’t believe me. Don’t lie. You think this will never end. That you and I are apart of each other as sure as the moon follows the sun. It has to end. I’ll take my life if I can’t rid myself of you…

‘Ok, Naruto went a little over the deep end on that one,’ Sakura thought, wondering who or what he was talking to. She re-read it, then re-read it once more. The language didn’t sound like him. It was very formal, very medievally. She hoped Naruto wasn’t developing Multiple Personality Disorder. She studied the handwriting and compared it to the handwriting of the question at the top. The handwriting of the passage was dark, and jagged as if the person writing it had a lot of pent up emotion inside and his hand shook as he wrote it. The handwriting of the question was light and steady. If she took away the jaggedness and darkness of the writing it would look more like Naruto’s handwriting. She sighed in relief, “Well, that’s one theory down,” she murmured to herself, “I hope.” She still had doubts, but if he was suffering from multiple personality disorder then the handwriting would be noticeably different, right? Like a whole different person had written it. But the question at the top gave her doubts. Maybe it was Naruto talking to his other personality, but wouldn’t the other personality have written something too if it was true?

‘Oooh, it’s so confusing,’ she thought, putting one hand over her eyes. ‘Maybe there’s something else in here to explain.’ She flipped to the next page.

What’s the point in living if you’ve got nobody to live for? No friends. No one to care about you. A voice inside my head tells me that that’s not true. That people do care. But I don’t listen. I stopped listening long ago. When I was younger I let myself be fooled by it. The voice. Back then; I didn’t have the strength to accept the fact that I was alone. But now I’m older. But what does it know? I can’t let myself be deluded by such fantasies. Nobody cares for me. It’s a simple fact. But it hurts. It hurts all the more because it’s true. I have no time for such trivial fancies. I have no patience to deal with self-pity. I must work hard everyday to prove myself. And sometimes it doesn’t seem worth it and it’s definitely not fair. Why should I be the one that has to be alone? Why am I treated like dirt while others are loved? Why must I endure the looks of scorn and contempt everyday? Everywhere I go? Why was I the only one pushed around and called names at the playground? Ha…I’m laughing now, but there are still tears streaming down my face…that last bit…I rather enjoyed it. I looked forward to the pushing and the beatings and the name-callings. Cause, hell, it sure beat being ignored…Bleh, I’m tired…so tired…tire of breathing, tired of smiling, and most of all I’m tired of pretending…

“Oh, this was the one that Kakashi-Sensei read to us in Naruto’s room,” she remembered. A sudden wave of guilt washed over her. She had treated him like dirt, still did, but not as much as she used to. She used to ignore him when he came around wanting to play. She sighed, her shoulders sagging.She flipped the page, half-heartedly. It was too much.

Sakura…

Sakura perked up at the sight of her name. ‘He wrote about me?’ she asked herself. She almost didn’t want to go on. What if what he wrote was bad? What if he hated her? She tore her eyes away from her name and looked into the shadows of the surrounding trees. It was late. She had to get home or her parents would be furious if they found her missing in the middle of the night. She sighed, ‘I’ll finish when I get home,’ she told herself. Then got up, moaning from sitting in the same position for so long.

((to be contined))

A/N: Review please.