Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Blinded ❯ Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything of Naruto and its characters; this universe is owned (as well as created) by Masashi Kishimoto. This is purely for fun, and I gain no profit.

Author's Notes: A Sasuke-centric piece that wouldn't leave me alone. Inspired by the incredibly nuanced reunion scene of the manga (as well as the segment in the anime), and a lovely, poignant Sasuke/Naruto music video I watched a little while ago (youtube link but without the spaces here: www . youtube . com / watch?v=gq1knqF-nXA).

Many thanks to Moerae for beta-ing and for the amusing warning about my tendency for killing off characters. -G-

Which, I guess, means I should make a note that no characters were harmed in the making of this fic. :D

Completed: 25 February 2007

Blinded

Sasuke never expects to see them again. He won't say he hadn't thought about it, but since he's buried that random, uncontrolled bit of emotion so far deep inside, it might as well be the truth. He hadn't really thought it, except for the times when he had, and those never counted.

It never counts.

One inkling of the way his mind sometimes travels beyond his control, even one small hint about the way he still can't quite manage to forget, and Orochimaru will tighten the leash around his neck faster than the blink of an eye. Sasuke might have already agreed to be Orochimaru's container, but that doesn't mean he still doesn't chafe at being caged. He still burns for freedom, even though he thinks it's a fair price to pay for vengeance. The only regret that lingers is the one where he doesn't know if he will be aware of the exact moment of Itachi's death; if his consciousness will have faded away by then, leaving only Orochimaru in control of his body, as if Sasuke had been thrust out of his existence.

It's also not the only regret he has, but it's the only one Sasuke will allow himself to have. He doesn't allow himself many things; mostly because he can't afford his determination to waver, but partly also because if he does, he won't be able to stop. He won't be able to forget and want, and eventually, need -- and then everything he has done so far will be useless. He'll leave these self-imposed chains for the ones he had never chosen, had never expected, and while they might soothe the ache in his heart for a little while, they will never completely heal the wound Itachi left. Or maybe they could have, but Sasuke was -- is -- too wary of finding out. Itachi's all that is left of his family; Itachi had been everything to Sasuke from the time when he had been the idolised brother to when he had turned into Sasuke's most hated enemy, and Sasuke has lived for so many years with Itachi imprinted inside of his mind, he's afraid of finding out what's left if he ever manages to cut Itachi out.

He means what he had once said to Naruto. His future is in his past, and his past is Itachi. This is the only path he can take, and he wishes they would understand and leave him be. He wishes they would just stop reminding him, because he doesn't care and doesn't want to, except for the times when does, and when he sees them again, a slumbering part of himself struggles to wake for the first time in two and a half years.

And Sasuke is irrationally annoyed. He quenches that part of himself, forcing back the dull detachment he has been living with for the past two years. When he'd first started training with Orochimaru, it had taken him some months before he'd reached a state of dull existence; one where the only thing he ever thought about was vengeance and death, but now, Naruto and Sakura is ruining his perfect existence. They look at him with hope and shock and -- and --

Sasuke can't let himself think about that last emotion. He had only ever loved his family -- he doesn't need what he can't let himself feel reflect back from their eyes, can't let what ever they want happen, because doing so would mean losing something he can never forget or give up. Their eyes speak of a future he will never have, and it is better to control his own future with his past than to let an uncertain one overwhelm his present. The future they want will end up killing parts of Sasuke, and if Sasuke wants to die, he wants to die knowing Itachi is dead too.

Sasuke never wants to care again, but they won't let him. Sakura will forever hang onto that last thread of hope, and Naruto will never let go, even when that thread is severed. Stupid girl, stubborn moron, he wants to say, but knows immediately that they are already affecting him by just being there.

At least Kakashi isn't here, he thinks. He hasn't seen Kakashi since before he'd left, and he isn't certain what will happen when he does. Sometimes he thinks about the disappointed look he will get from the one person who may understand (he hasn't forgotten their last pointed conversation), and sometimes he doesn't care. Sometimes, he thinks it's best if he never saw Kakashi again.

As for his replacement, he doesn't really give it much thought, except for that tiny bit of resentment he immediately squashes. How ironic that for all the talk about bonds and never giving up on Sasuke, they have effectively replaced him with a less polished version of himself. He doesn't know what to feel about that, so he just doesn't. He puts him in the category of new recruit when it becomes clear he will help Naruto and Sakura, and is almost amused when he tries to interfere in a continuation of the fight from two and a half years ago.

The first touch makes Sasuke tighten his grip on Naruto's shoulder. Two and a half years since he's seen Naruto, since he's fought with him, just like this, with Naruto looking at him half-angry and half-pleadingly, saying things he could never understand, wanting things Sasuke couldn't -- can't -- give, and making Sasuke want to stay, want a future Sasuke had given up long ago, and Sasuke can't allow it. Sasuke doesn't allow himself many things, and he knows that if Naruto lives, Sasuke might one day think it will be all right to just allow himself one thing, just one thing...

The first touch makes Sasuke tighten his grip, but it's the brief flash of want that makes Sasuke take out his sword. He's serious about killing Naruto, but before now, it hadn't been personal. He thought he had left it all behind after their last fight, that Naruto won't ever make a difference, but he is wrong. Naruto makes it personal by just being here, forcing Sasuke to think of anything other than his greatest desire and his only goal in life.

Death is the only answer; anything else is unacceptable.

What happens next intrigues Sasuke and soothes the bitter bite of jealousy he's carefully hidden, because for Naruto to gain so much power in such a short amount of time was impossible -- excruciatingly impossible and humiliating that someone who came last in their class could achieve so much while Sasuke, the first, couldn't even lay a hand on Itachi. But now he knows that Naruto had had help in the form of the Kyuubi, and it satisfies something inside of Sasuke. After all, if Naruto has help then it's only fair that Sasuke has too.

He steps back, satisfaction curling around him, and prepares to for one final move. Before he can begin the hand seals though, Sakura's outburst surprises him. The difference between then and now is subtle, but there. He forgets how long two and a half years can be when one isn't caged, or how one can change when they have more than one path in front of them. He still doesn't say anything, though, because he's given Sakura all the words he ever had back then, and what he gave, he meant. Maybe that is why they can never let go. For the longest time, they were the only ones he'd ever given anything to.

When Orochimaru stops him, he doesn't protest as much as he appears to. It is half-hearted at best, because for his revenge, Sasuke's proven that he will do anything and everything, but he wants to make a point. He can't be what they want him to be, and the sooner they let go, the sooner Sasuke can forget. He needs to focus on Itachi; he can't allow himself to be distracted again, because that was what they were: nothing but a distraction.

At least this is what he tells himself. Since he does this many, many times, it might as well be the truth.

When Sasuke leaves, he doesn't say goodbye.