Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Glue is Stronger Than... ❯ Glue is Stronger Than... ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: Not my characters, but definitely my idea of pain that I put them through.

Pairing: Kakairu

Rating: Roughly… light R. Yeah.

A/N: Um, I totally only write humor. Or at least try to. Uh… yeah. So, basically another crackfic. Not meant to be taken seriously.

 

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“Naruto! Put that down!” The sounds of a short scuffle and then an agonized cry of a boy denied another chance to complete a prank.

 

“Itai….” Naruto was rubbing his head after Iruka had finally wrestled the tube of glue from Naruto.

 

“What were you going to do with this, young man?” Iruka shook the tube angrily in Naruto's face.

 

“Aawwww, Iruka-sensei, I wasn't going to do anything with…”

 

“Don't give me any of that nonsense!” Iruka was rapidly approaching his bordering puce anger-face. Naruto was studiously pretending not to notice. This would eventually end with Iruka giving Naruto another lecture, and an assignment (at least five pages of introspective writing not just copy-paste) explaining why he shouldn't have done whatever it was he had done. The ritual was interrupted just before Iruka got to the “…and you'll be grounded for the rest of your living days” part by hesitant knocking on the door. Iruka was less than gracious about opening the door. “What?”

 

Kakashi had the look of a hunted man. “Ma…” his eye winced in what for him was a massive display of emotion, “is this a bad time?”

 

Iruka pinched the bridge of his nose. “Yes, but when is it ever not a bad time?” He finally asked semi-philosophically as he opened the door wide enough for Kakashi to come in, but not enough to let Naruto out. Naruto took the opportunity provided by Iruka's inattention to flee into the depths of the house. Kakashi slunk in, and toed off his sandals.

 

“I was going to ask if Naruto was here, but it seems he already is.” Kakashi attempted to make conversation.

 

Iruka felt a blush coming on, but suppressed it. “Ah, sometimes my volume control tends to fail when I get upset.”

 

“Sometimes?” There was a tone to Kakashi's voice that indicated that he was amused. The blush broke free of Iruka's control and did a happy little glowing dance across his face. Kakashi pretended he didn't notice, but privately wondered how a person could turn that color red without imploding.

 

“You were here for Naruto, Hatake-san?” Iruka started abruptly straightening things that didn't need to be straightened in an attempt to walk away without conspicuously retreating. Kakashi had an amused tilt to his body.

 

“I was.” Kakashi was lazily assessing the place, but his eye kept drifting to Iruka. Probably all those ninja instincts on the lookout for movement. Or the result of reading too much Icha Icha.

 

“So?” Iruka realized that there was little else he could do in the room at the same time he realized that Kakashi was watching him. Iruka frowned. “Hatake-san?” Kakashi looked up, “Naruto-kun?”

 

“Ah,” Kakashi sat down on the nearest cushion, “that's right.” Kakashi paused again. Iruka fought down the urge to strangle Kakashi. “Naruto.” He put a thoughtful finger to his temple. “Sa…” Iruka was attempting to blink morse-code messages to hurry up at Kakashi, hoping the man would take the subtle hint. “Got something in your eye Umino-san?” Iruka abruptly stopped.

 

“No, Hatake-san.” Then because he couldn't resist needling the jounin back, “I'm absolutely riveted to your tale about why you're here.”

 

“So desu,” Kakashi looked surprised that Iruka was making a point about this. He leaned forward as if he was imparting great wisdom. Hoping that the reason Kakashi had suddenly come over to retrieve Naruto would be revealed, Iruka leaned in as well. “But, please, don't call me Hatake-san. It reminds me a bit too much of my father.”

 

Iruka rolled his eyes, and leaned back. “Alright, jounin-san.”

 

“So polite, Umino-san,” Kakashi angled his head towards his shoulder in a parody of coquettish mannerisms. “I'm flattered.”

 

Iruka silently prayed for patience like he did every day in the classroom. “Instead of playing a guessing game, may I enquire as to what I should call you, as it seems nothing I come up with seems to your liking?”

 

“Ah,” Kakashi leaned away from the outburst. “It's not important.”

 

Iruka saw red. “Alright, that's it! Either tell me why the hell you came to my house or get out!” Iruka pressed his fingers into his temple, “You've got me speaking in exclamation marks! I am going to…”

 

“Ma, I should really be going now…” Kakashi started to inch through the door. Iruka doubly infuriated by the interruption invaded Kakashi's personal space and harangued him the entire walk to the door. Unfortunately for both of them, they neglected to remember that Naruto was in the house… a very antsy Naruto with a lot of mischief up his sleeve. In fact, if one wanted to be specific, the `mischief' up Naruto's sleeve was actually glue. Not the kind of glue that Iruka had been using to construct collages that practically disintegrated through contact with normal finger oils, but the kind that construction workers use to attach roof-joists while they're waiting for concrete and bolts to set. Kakashi managed to avoid Naruto, simply by being a jounin. (Alright, it was actually because he was trying to escape from Iruka, and happened to catch a flash of orange go by). Iruka was not so fortunate. The head-on collision should have meant that the worst that happened was Kakashi escaped, and Naruto and Iruka received minor concussions. What actually happened was Iruka tripped, grabbing the first thing he could before he went down (the ninja mentality of the time being, if I'm going down, I'm sure as hell taking as many of them as I can with me probably not used with the original context in mind, but happening nonetheless) which happened to be Kakashi's sleeve. Kakashi, operating under the same `take them down' mentality, grabbed Naruto's sleeve. It ripped, and the glue fell out.

 

Normally, Iruka would have scolded Naruto, given him another essay to do, and lecture Naruto on what could have gone wrong playing around with such strong, tacky substances. What ended up happening was Kakashi instinctively caught the glue. Surprisingly, the cap was not stuck on tightly (which causes one to cast aspirations on the actual strength of the glue…) and popped off at the pressure with which Kakashi caught it. In an attempt born of pure teacher reflexes, Iruka attempted to cap the glue. Naruto, sensing trouble, speedily exited the room. Kakashi and Iruka collided with one another headfirst, as the glue spilled all over their clothes.

 

“NARUTO!” Iruka was unnaturally close to Kakashi from the fall, and Kakashi winced at the volume of the chunin's voice from such an unexpectedly close range.

 

“Iruka-sensei…” Kakashi began, only to be interrupted by the chunin.

 

“I'd prefer it if you didn't call me that.” He said in a bout of childish `getting back at the annoying jounin'.

 

“Sa, right, then Iruka-kun.” Kakashi seemed cheerfully oblivious to the fact that Iruka was close enough to do damage to Kakashi's family jewels. Iruka attempted to push off Kakashi in a huff, when he realized something.

 

“I'm not Iruka-kun,” he said distractedly as he looked at his sleeve which was attached to Kakashi.

 

“I think the fact that we're this close means you could call me Kakashi.” Kakashi pointed out, as he tried to raise his other hand to move his hitae-ate to a more comfortable position.

 

“Wait, don't…” Iruka reached out to prevent Kakashi from smearing the glue all over his hand and onto the hitae-ate. This lead to the unfortunate event of Kakashi's hand touching Iruka's. “Right,” The chunin let the jounin's hand drop with a nervous laugh. “Um…” Iruka attempted to push off the floor with his free hand. Kakashi came up with him.

 

“Maybe we should find out the range of motion we have…” Kakashi sounded amused as he looked into the chunin's distraught face.

 

“Hentai!” Iruka attempted to pull away and only ended up toppling them both over onto the floor.

 

“What?” Kakashi sounded annoyed now. “I didn't actually mean anything this time.” Iruka sniffed in a way that indicated he really wasn't buying into Kakashi's nice-guy (re: non-perverted) routine. “What?” Kakashi reached to nervously scratch at the back of his head.

 

“Don't touch anything!” Iruka blurted out a little too late. Kakashi grimaced when he discovered that there was yet another blob of glue that had trickled its way to the back of his hitae-ate; thus, trapping his hand against the back of his head. Iruka rubbed the bridge of his nose in irritation. “Great.” He sighed, “now we only have one free hand between us.”

 

“Oh, it's not between us Iruka…” Kakashi couldn't help it. Iruka resisted the urge to slap the jounin, as he wasn't sure whether or not he had glue on his hand.

 

“Okay,” Iruka took a deep breath. “Okay, I can deal with this. I will not go on a murderous rampage just because a perverted jounin is hitting on me.” Kakashi looked highly amused.

 

“I'm not hitting on you; I'm just… on you.” Kakashi paused, “or rather, you're on me.” Iruka felt the blush stampede across his face again.

 

“We're getting up on the count of three.” Iruka decided to ignore Kakashi. “One… two…” Kakashi stood up, and Iruka squeaked in surprise. “Two is not three.” Iruka looked at Kakashi sternly. “I'm surprised they let you out of the academy if you can't count.”

 

“Sa,” Kakashi attempted to rub the back of his head with the hand that was glued there. “Are you always this mean to jounin Iruka?”

 

“Stop calling me Iruka!” Iruka nearly burst a blood vessel.

 

“I don't think the volume of your voice quite got us unstuck. Although, I must admit, the sheer decibel level of sound should have shaken us apart a little.” Kakashi's eye took on a glint Iruka was starting to recognize as a `perverted glint'. “It seems we've been shaken together. Rubbed together if you will…”

 

“Stop it!” Iruka's face was now flushed. It was unclear whether it was from sheer ire or embarrassment. “Is sex all you think about?”

 

“No,” Kakashi said, “sometimes I think about genjutsu that would entice someone to have sex…” Iruka nearly pulled out his hair in frustration as he made a strangled noise, which effectively cut Kakashi off mid-sentence. “And you look really good with your hair down.”

 

“What?” Iruka managed to choke out. “When have you ever seen me with my hair down?” Kakashi grinned and used their combined hands to pull the hairtie out of Iruka's hair.

 

“Right now,” Kakashi said impishly.

 

Iruka glared. “When we get out of this mess…”

 

“Speaking of which,” Kakashi said conversationally, “do you happen to have a kunai on you?”

 

“Yes.” Hissed Iruka, afraid to say more in case he opened his mouth far enough to tear Kakashi's jugular out with his teeth.

 

“Ah, excellent,” Kakashi looked pleased, “would you mind using it to cut my clothes off?”

 

“What?” Iruka yelped, “I am not helping you with your perverted fantasies…”

 

Kakashi gave vent to a long-suffering sigh. “Ma, ma, Iruka-kun. The glue is on our clothes. It makes sense.” Kakashi rolled his eye, “if anything, I'm being a sensible ninja here, and you're the pervert.”

 

“What?” Iruka snapped.

 

“Is that the only word you know?” Kakashi enquired. “Because really, saying it so many times hasn't helped us remove the glue…”

 

“I am reaching for my kunai. If you wish to live you will not antagonize me further.” Iruka reached down for the kunai handle. The fact that he was so close to a perverted and rather annoying jounin made him miscalculate the distance.

 

“Uh… Iruka, that's definitely not your kunai.” Kakashi sounded nervous, “I'd really, really appreciate it if you, uh, let go gently.” Iruka was turning a shade of vermillion never before seen by human eyes. Iruka let go.

 

“Gomen…” Iruka was trying to control the blush, but it was on a rampage across his face and would not be stopped.

 

“Heh, no problem. I've always wanted to be groped by a cute, young schoolteacher.” There was an awkward pause. “Granted, I had always thought the schoolteacher would be female, but…”

 

“I take it back. I don't think I'm sorry at all.” Iruka said slowly, in the glacial tones that indicated that, yes indeed, the mountain was actually a volcano about to erupt.

 

“Sa…” Kakashi gave vent to a nervous semi-giggle. “…are you ever going to get around to cutting my clothes off?” Iruka rolled his eyes, but started poking around for the kunai again. Kakashi, never one to let a perverted moment pass him by spoke up again, “…and then you'll ravage my god-like body?”

 

“You know, I could just stab you and then carve your dying body off of mine.” Iruka said getting a firm grip on what (this time) was actually his kunai. Kakashi gave an apologetic shrug, but didn't say anything. Iruka started to cut the vest off of Kakashi. “Ow!”

 

“What happened?” Kakashi looked concerned.

 

“The vest is being damn annoying. It's hard enough doing this one-handed,” Kakashi raised an eyebrow, but actually managed to tamp down on his response before it could get him in trouble, “the material is not made for cutting.” There was a pause. “And, ironically, my hand slipped and I nicked it on the edge of the kunai.”

 

“Well…” Kakashi looked nervous. “Uh…” There was a long pause, which turned pregnant and gave birth to another little pause. “Look, I'm going to offer this once. And because we're both definitely manly guys who would never ever speak of this in public because of the humiliation factor…” There was a pause as Kakashi looked at Iruka. “I'll… you…” Another pause. “Damnit. There's no glue on my mask, pull it down so I can help stop the bleeding.”

 

“With your face?” Iruka asked ire evaporated in favor of this new amusement.

 

“With my tongue.” Kakashi said.

 

“Ew.” Iruka's face scrunched with distaste.

 

“You can eviscerate a man and tie his entrails to a tree, push him off a cliff and not flinch. But when I offer to help clean your hand, because kami alone knows what's on the blade…”

 

“It's just,” Iruka cut into Kakashi's indignity, “the human mouth is really dirty. Do you know how many germs are in it?”

 

“Do you know what kind of germs are on your hand? Yet here I am, willing to help you…” Kakashi took on the tone of someone mortally wronged.

 

“Fine.” Iruka yanked the mask down, “Are you happy no…” he paused.

 

“What?” Kakashi asked, “It's not like you've never seen a face before.”

 

“I…” Iruka bit back the rest of what he was going to say. “Uh, you look different.”

 

“I can't lick it unless you put it near my face,” Kakashi said in a change of subject so abrupt Iruka had a touch of mental whiplash.

 

“Lick what?” Iruka slowly started turning red again when what he had just said occurred to him.

 

“Ooh… Iruka” Kakashi's tone had bypassed suggestive and had taken on overtones of molesting. Iruka squirmed a bit uncomfortably. “Did you…” He was cut off by Iruka's hand over his mouth. In a fit of pique, Kakashi licked it. Iruka jerked back and the two of them stared at one another for a while.

 

“If you promise not to make fun of me again I will take my hand off of your mouth and we will try again.” Iruka finally managed to say. Kakashi nibbled Iruka's hand. “Stop that you… you…” Kakashi maintained eye contact and then very deliberately wriggled his tongue against Iruka's finger in a very suggestive manner. “Gah!” Iruka jerked his hand away from the jounin's mouth. “That's so gross Kakashi!”

 

“Well, it was getting old.” Kakashi shrugged. “And my arm hurts.” Kakashi settled in for a pout. “And I think my legs fell asleep because your big ass has been on them for so long.”

 

“My big ass? Your hips are so wide I'm going to sprain my groin!” Iruka snarked.

 

“Are you implying that I am a woman?” Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

 

“You started it.” Iruka muttered.

 

“Ma…” Kakashi sighed. There was a moment of silence. “Iruka, I hate to bring this up now…”

 

“Don't tell me,” Iruka sighed, “you have a hard on.”

 

“No, but I'll be sure to let you know if I do get one.” Kakashi retorted. “I was going to ask you if you knew whether this glue came off in water.”

 

“It's industrial-strength glue Kakashi,” Iruka said exasperatedly, “of course it wouldn't come off with water. Unless you want to find someone to do an acid jutsu…” Iruka put his hand over Kakashi's mouth at the evil glint in his eyes. “No. No acid jutsu.” Kakashi smirked against Iruka's palm. Iruka pulled his hand away before Kakashi could lick it again.

 

“You called me Kakashi.”

 

Iruka shrugged, “only because you keep calling me Iruka. Figured I'd turn the tables.”

 

“I like it.”

 

“Figures.” They shared a moment of contemplative silence. “Look, my groin is going to be one huge bit of pain the size of Konoha itself in a minute…”

 

“Ma, ma…” Kakashi sighed, “You young folks are always so impatient these days.”

 

“Young folks?”  Iruka blinked, “how old are you?”

 

“Is that really important right now?”

 

“If I am stuck with an old lecher, I have no qualms castrating…”

 

“Fine, fine! I'm twenty six.” Kakashi said hastily.

 

“Twenty six? Then you shouldn't be calling me a young man.” Kakashi raised a brow, and Iruka gave him an impish grin, “Guess.”

 

“Nineteen?” Kakashi offered tentatively.

 

“What? No! What kind of pervert are you?” Iruka rubbed his temples with his free hand, “no, don't answer that. I'm twenty five.”

 

“Oh… so I should be calling you jii-san…” Kakashi smirked, “because you're so old.”

 

“I'm younger than you are!” Iruka mustered up some indignation.

 

“Ah, but you've already got aches and pains…”

 

“I'll show you aches and pains!” Iruka snarled and hefted the kunai menacingly.

 

“Hey! Whoa! Watch the kunai!” Kakashi had a look of pure panic on his face. There was a tense moment of silence.

 

“Kakashi. Please tell me that I cut through one of the scroll pockets and it slipped between us.”

 

“Iruka,” Kakashi said in a very serious tone, “that is definitely a scroll.” Pause. “More or less.”

 

“You just got an erection from me threatening you?” Iruka's voice had decided to skip `shocked' and move on to the greater acting career of `curious'. Kakashi was studiously staring at the ceiling.

 

“Well, when you finish reading Icha Icha Violence…” Kakashi was still not looking at Iruka.

 

“You're right. That book is perverted.” Iruka put the kunai down. “We'll chalk this up to a perfectly normal male reaction to reading porn.”

 

“You've read it?” Kakashi sounded incredulous.

 

“No need to sound so shocked, I do teach sex-ed you know.” Iruka was glaring at Kakashi.

 

“You do?” Kakashi seemed incapable of forming large sentences.

 

“Who did you think taught it? Jiraya?” Iruka sounded amused.

 

“Well…” Kakashi trailed off. “No. The Hokage maybe…”

 

“You think the Godaime is going to walk into class to teach children about sex when there's a perfectly knowledgeable person already there?” There was a pause. “I'm going to ignore the fact that your scroll just got happier.”

 

“Thanks.” Kakashi mumbled. There was an awkward silence. Kakashi, never down for long, finally couldn't contain himself anymore. “Iruka, mind lending a hand?”

 

“What?!” Iruka roared. “You… you… pervert!”

 

“Uh, Iruka, unless you're carrying an extra kunai, I don't think you're that adverse to the idea either.” There was another pause. “Besides, we have nowhere to go.”

 

“What kind of perverted logic is that?” Iruka demanded. Kakashi's mouth twitched slightly in amusement. “Fine. But once we're free you'd better assist me.”

 

“Deal.” Kakashi said. “It's a perfectly normal male thing to do… masturbate, I mean.”

 

“Not usually other males,” Iruka said wryly. Kakashi shrugged. Iruka sighed, but reached for Kakashi's penis anyways.

 

Kakashi was very vocal in his appreciation, going so far as to call Iruka a god. Iruka himself was actually getting something out of it, because he found that when his hand brushed Kakashi's cock just so he got quite a nice bit of friction against his cock. There was a silence broken only by heavy breathing and heavier petting. Kakashi found that Iruka got vocal not only when he was riled up but also when he was `riled up'. A breathless five minutes later had both men panting.

 

“I can't believe you came.” Kakashi sounded amused.

 

“I can't believe you did too.” Iruka sounded even more amused than Kakashi.

 

“I think it loosened the glue.” Kakashi finally said.

 

“I think that's just the semen drying.” Iruka said.

 

Kakashi gave Iruka a look. “Mood killer.”

 

“I wasn't aware there was a mood to kill.” Iruka sniffed. He haughtily shoved himself away. The glue made an obscene squelching noise and they staggered apart. “Let's never speak of this again.”

 

“Iruka! I'm hurt. That was probably the best sex you've ever had…” Kakashi took on an injured tone.

 

“The only sex substitute I've ever had.” Iruka wrinkled his nose in disgust at his vest. “I'm burning this vest.”

 

“You're a virgin aren't you?” Kakashi sing-songed.

 

“Not after what just happened.” Iruka sneezed, “ugh, it smells like fish.”

 

“Glue often does smell funny.” Kakashi looked down at his vest. “And this was one of my good vests.”

 

“Don't complain. At least you jounin get new vests whenever you want. I need to go on missions to get replacements.” Iruka mourned his vest for a few moments.

 

“Can I make it up to you?” Kakashi asked way too innocently.

 

“You break into my house, try my patience, attach your body to mine, molest me…”

 

“Actually, you molested me.” Kakashi quailed under Iruka's stern gaze. “…not that that's important or anything. Who molested who, I mean.”

 

“It's whom. And you took advantage of me!” Iruka squealed.

 

“What are you? A woman?” Kakashi snorted. Then realized Iruka was not laughing with him. “Aw… Iruka I didn't mean it…”

 

There was some loud and angry sex, which degenerated into make-up sex, which degenerated into `it's just a convenient fuck' sex, which settled into `well, no one else has offered in a while' sex and ended in `we might have the tiniest bit of emotional involvement, but even if you tortured us and then castrated my defiled corpse I would never say was love' sex.

 

Naruto never did figure out what happened to his glue.