Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Life Drabbles ❯ Lifetime of Sorrow ( Chapter 5 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: shattered-words 
What went through his mind as he met and interacted with her? Did he hate her presence, or was he a mirror of her lonely soul? [Gaara-centric, no actual pairings]
Anime/Manga: Naruto Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Adventure / Shounen / Romance / Drama / Angst | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 07.30.2007 | Updated On: 10.15.2007 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.3K | Visits: 156 | Status: Completed
What went through his mind as he met and interacted with her? Did he hate her presence, or was he a mirror of her lonely soul? [Gaara-centric, no actual pairings]
Anime/Manga: Naruto Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Adventure / Shounen / Romance / Drama / Angst | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 07.30.2007 | Updated On: 10.15.2007 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.3K | Visits: 156 | Status: Completed
Lifetime of Sorrow
Author: shattered-words
Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, it’d be called ‘Gaara’. So, isn’t it a shame that I don’t own it. (“Mad World” belongs to Gary Jules)
Summary: What went through his mind as he met and interacted with her? Did he hate her presence, or was he mirror of her lonely soul? [Gaara-centric, no actual pairings]
AN: This is more than I ever imagined writing but it suddenly came to me one night and I wrote it with a feverish effort. I enjoy the way it turned out and forgive the sudden ending, but I felt that too much would be revealed before GoD (Glimpses of Darkness). Please enjoy, and thanks goes to Shadows-upon-Sand, my beta. Thank you.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad...the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had...”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It was a Tuesday. People told time by the amount of days that had gone by, the minutes that had passed them. There was no sense of time for him anymore. It was either day or night; he was either training or staring off into space. There was no concept of time when there was no sleep, so there was no resting period for him either.
Tomorrow would be Wednesday but that didn’t matter either. Every day would be spent alone as he watched the other children play with each other. He steered clear of there because he was afraid they would call him a monster and look at him with those hate filled eyes. It made him sad. He knew he had to try but how could he, when no one would let him get close. He was Suna no Gaara.
It was Thursday now, but he hadn’t even realized when Wednesday had come and gone. Before he realized it, the week would be over and once again he would be alone. Yashamaru was there but he had missions and couldn’t be there for him all the time. He wished for someone his age.
It was on a Friday that he found himself at the playground, sitting on the swing. This was where he was safest, hugging Mr. Bear as he watched the children play. If he got near them, would they still run away? He wanted to try but there was no courage there. However, when their ball became stuck, he was motivated to leave the swing. If he helped them, maybe they’d see that he meant them no harm. He should have stayed on the swing.
“It’s Gaara,” a voice said fearfully from within the crowd of a dozen children.
‘No, please don’t be afraid of me...’
“Suna no Gaara,” another one intoned, already stepping away. He saw the others freeze in fear and then soon they started to inch back.
‘No. I won’t hurt you.’
“Run!” He didn’t know who said it first but they all suddenly whirled around and started to flee from him. It was getting dark and the sun was already setting. The night was scary.
“Matte! Please don’t leave me alone!” Even when he cried out to them, his own fear clouding his senses, they didn’t stop running. It was almost night and anything could happen to him. ‘Doesn’t anyone care about me?’
A sudden anger filled him as his fingers tightened around the ball and the sand reacted to his emotion and attacked them. It started to drag them back to their deaths. He saw a little girl standing just on the edge of the playground, silhouetted against the dying sunlight behind her, and he made the sand lunge at her. It was strange but he saw no fear in her eyes.
When it went to attack one of the other children and crush the girl, a figure appeared in front of his sand and shielded the child. Everything came to an abrupt stop and the sand fell harmlessly to the ground before it could hurt someone. “Please stop, Gaara-sama!” It was Yashamaru. He had hurt him.
He heard someone fall and turned to see the girl on her knees. “Why?” she asked, tears starting to stream down her face. There was so much pain in those dark eyes, rimmed in a blood red color. He felt bad that he had almost killed her and he saw that Yashamaru was giving her a sympathetic look.
She looked at the blonde man, and frowned before she turned to look at him. The tears continued to flow freely but there was a sad smile on her features. “Do not trust so easily.” She got up and stumbled away, disappearing into the darkness. He almost went after her but she wouldn’t want to see him either. Gaara was a monster that had almost killed her.
His uncle was making sure the children were fine and he fled as well, hating the looks they were giving him. He was a bakemono, but he was also afraid. ‘Doesn’t anyone care about me?’ Gaara had no answer to that.
Later that night he was motivated by the blonde ninja’s words and went in search of the children he had hurt. He braved his fear of the dark and ran through the abandoned streets of Suna. It looked frightening at night but he wouldn’t let that get him down.
He came to the first house. It was a failure. “Go home, monster.” Such harsh words, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him. Maybe one of them would be kind enough to accept his apology and would see that he wasn’t really a monster. He was just a child that was as afraid as they were of the sand that was at his control.
He lost count of the failures and he almost didn’t go to the lone girl’s house, but he refused to let go of his hope. Gaara knew that someday he would have a friend that would stick by him and heal the hurt in his chest. He knocked and she opened the door. Those big eyes were once more filled with an emptiness that almost made him shudder.
She took the bag and thanked him and he was almost elated that he’d been successful. He hadn’t expected to be asked inside, though. It was night and his eyes darted to the dark house behind the girl. She saw his hesitation and muttered something as she closed the door.
Gaara saw her eyes dim and realized that she might be rejecting him for not accepting her offer to be let in. “No, I’ll come in,” he gasped, desperate to be accepted in return. She paused as she peered at him with those chilling eyes and he waited with baited breath.
When she opened the door so he could go in he sighed and stepped inside. She closed the door and went down the hall as Gaara froze by the door. It was so dark in the house, and he was half afraid that something would reach out and swallow him.
She turned on the kitchen light and poked her head around the corner. When she motioned for him to follow before disappearing once more, he bolted for the lighted doorway and stopped just inside the room. There was a western style table where a kotatsu was normally located, and she was filling a pot of water as she stood on a stool since she was too short to properly reach the sink.
He sat at the table when she told him too and the night proceeded calmly. Her name was Ashikaga Eizan and she was so much like him. The ability she controlled was almost terrifying and she had also killed her own family by accident with it. Fire.
She caught him staring at her several times and he’d look away in embarrassment, but there was no need to be. Eizan was just like him. ‘Just like me.’
The end was when it all went wrong. As he was leaving, she finally asked him his name. “It’s...Gaara,” he told her and he expected her to be scared because of what people said, but she only nodded.
“I would not trust that man,” she said to him as he went to walk out the door, catching his arm. He paused just outside and turned to look at her in confusion. Gaara thought she meant Yashamaru since she had said something like this once before, earlier today. “His eyes are hateful even when his face is kind.”
“You mean Yashamaru?” he asked and shook his head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. He’s the one that made me the ointment. He was worried about you being hurt.” The man had risked his life to save that other child and now she was saying that he wasn’t to be trusted.
He saw her face harden and her eyes go dead once more as she grip the door tightly. “His eyes are the same. They are the same as everyone else that looks at me with hate and fear, as if I were some kind of monster,” she growled, eyes narrowing. “You would do well to be careful.”
She sounded so old and Gaara was saddened by the look in her eyes. Although, she didn’t want to believe what she said. He shook his head and opened his mouth but she slammed the door in his face. The red haired boy stepped back and frowned before turning around.
He tried to think of Yashamaru’s face and all the times they had been together. His kind eyes always held a cold tinge to them but he had assumed that it was because of his life as a ninja. He quickly walked away from the house and when he turned back he saw that there were still no lights on. She was just as alone as he was. After a moment he continued on.
That night, it was proven that Eizan had been right. An assassin came for his life and attacked him. She saved him once and he became angry when she collapsed. He saw the kunai sticking out of her back and he let the sand envelop the ninja and crush the life out of him.
It was Yashamaru’s face staring back at him when he removed the face covering. He fell onto his knees. ‘His eyes are hateful even when his face is kind.’ Eizan’s words came back to haunt him and as Gaara was filled with terror and despair, he threw his head back and screamed.
Yashamaru was dead and blood was pouring from his forehead. He had carved the kanji for love there to remind himself that he had no use of such a useless emotion. His uncle had said he care for him and then tried to kill him, so love didn’t exist. He faced Eizan and lifted his hand as the sand wrapped around her. If he was alone and couldn’t believe in anyone then she deserved to die for almost making him think that he could trust her.
He flinched as her words came back to him once more. ‘They don’t like me either.’ The sand hesitated and dropped her at his feet. ‘I told you...to be careful.’ He saw the kunai that she had protected him from, embedded into her flesh.
Gaara knelt beside her and removed one of them. “Why...did you?” he started to ask, but found that he couldn’t finish the statement. As he pulled out a second kunai, she responded to his unanswered question.
“Because you’re just like me,” she whispered as she lay perfectly still. Her words caused him to stop his movements; one of the projectiles gripped in his hand but quickly let it fall beside her.
“I don’t trust you,” he told her. He wouldn’t allow anyone else to hurt him as Yashamaru had done when he betrayed him. If he had to, he would distance himself from everyone and remain safe within the sand they all feared.
Eizan laughed softly as she nodded. “I know you don’t,” she said. It was the reaction he had been expecting and he was quiet for several moments. She lifted herself onto her hands and knees and met his eyes. “He’s wrong. You’re not a failure.”
‘When the Kazekage learned that his experiment was a failure, he knew you had to be eliminated.’
“They will see,” she told him. Gaara took her words to heart and knew that she was right. If they were scared of him, then he would give them something to fear. It hurt that they hated him when he had done nothing, and so he would give them something to hate about him.
“My only purpose is to end life,” he said as if he had suddenly realized it. As he said this, he knew that it was true. When he killed another he would prove his existence to those that ignored him as if he weren’t there. “To fight only for myself and love only myself.”
“Hai, and mine will be to help you fulfill that purpose, Gaara-dono,” she said as she lowered her head, still on her hands and knees. He stared down at her coldly.
Gaara knew he had been forsaken in the darkness, but he didn’t understand why she wanted to be with him. Then he remembered that she was as alone as he was, in that dark house with no one to love her either. He found himself nodding. If they were both lost in the night then clinging to one another would make sure that they weren’t alone.
He still didn’t trust her, but that could be easily solved. She stood and joined him as he stared out at Suna, filled with so many people that would help him prove his existence. If she did betray him one day, it would be so simple to crush her delicate bones with her by his side.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
They joined the Academy together and were placed in the same class. She had yet to betray him but he knew that it was only a matter of time. Many in the class feared her as much as him, but he didn’t even bother killing them. He already had someone by his side that would one day help him prove that he was alive.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
She had carved Ai into her chest, just above her heart. He slapped her. Only he was allowed to shed her blood. She hadn’t betrayed him yet but it would happen, sooner or later, and so when that time came he wanted her to be unblemished and healthy.
“Why did you do this?” he demanded coldly. He had no need to raise his voice to make her flinch. It was intoxicating and almost made him end her life right then and there, but it wasn’t the right time yet. Her life belonged to him and he would end it when he saw fit.
“I wanted to feel your pain,” she told him. His hand paused as he was cleaning the wound and something in his heart gave a strange skip. Gaara had almost forgotten he had a heart.
“You’re a fool,” he told her as he started to dab at the wound again but looked at her in awe. When she looked up she caught his eye and quickly looked down once more, cheeks tinged with pink.
“Hai, I am.” For a moment, he forgot that she would betray him one day.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
They graduated from the Academy and they were assigned to different teams. He was placed with his older brother and sister, and he suspected that his father was doing so to keep an eye on him. It was either that or to separate him from Eizan. She belonged to him and no one would do such a thing, but for now he left it alone.
When she lied to him he had hurt her and showed no remorse, but he had turned away. He wanted to kill her but he had no idea why he turned away. “I was scared.” Gaara heard her say before the sand covered her face and he flinched. The sand let her go and he almost sighed when he realized something. He couldn’t kill her.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“The Otokage has stated that they will help Suna crush Konoha only if we give them something,” Baki told them. He turned to look at Gaara and the red head expected to hear the worse. However, his next words were shocking even to him. “He wants Ashikaga Arisa.”
Gaara had found out that Eizan’s name came from her dead brother and that she was in actuality Ashikaga Arisa. He had almost killed her then for lying about her name, but he had curved his anger and decided not too. At the time he hadn’t know why but he refused to acknowledge that it was because she eased his loneliness.
“I don’t care. Give her to them,” he said calmly. He saw his sibling’s stunned expressions but turned away. To tell the truth, he was stunned as well.
Later that morning, he found himself at the playground where they had first seen each other, and he was standing in front of the swing. He felt her presence approaching but said nothing to her, the wind gently picking up the ends of his almost shoulder length scarlet hair. She didn’t approach him and stood there for several seconds before she started to leave.
A panic seized him and he called out her name. “Eizan,” and then stopped. It surprised him and it seemed that she had frozen in shock as well as he heard her almost stumble.
Of course, since he had never called her by her first name, and he had dropped the honorific. Eizan was a very formal and polite person at times, and she never said anyone’s name without the correct suffix. At times, he felt more distanced from her because of the -dono she used for his name.
She was about to kneel besides him and he lifted his hand to stop her. He turned to face her and she averted her eyes. After a few moments of staring at her she began to fidget and he frowned. This was something new. She had never shuffled nervously when in his presence and wondered what had changed.
Gaara almost decided against his earlier proclamation to Baki but he clamped his mouth shut and turned away. She was doing strange things and making him feel something he had no control over. There was an ache in his heart every time he set eyes on her.
“When we leave to Konoha in a few days, we will carry out a mission…” He decided to stick with his plan. It was better off if she was gone from his sight, and when she was, she’d take these feelings and this ache.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
He saw her eyes widen in shock when he spoke those words, when moments before her face had been set in confusion. Then he spoke cruel words to her, trying to get her to hate him enough to betray him, so he could kill her.
“Nani? What are you talking about?” she asked him, and he could tell that she was trying to understand what he had told her. He felt that ache return to his chest but he ignored it.
Gaara turned away and peered into the darkness, but the shocked look on her face wouldn’t leave his mind. “Suna has agreed to give you to Oto in exchange for their help in crushing Konoha.” He was sure that now she would hate him.
“I won’t go,” she growled, expecting her too, but her next words surprised him. “I won’t let that bastard Kazekage trade me like a possession.” So, he believed that his father was the one that was trading her.
He almost let her believe it as he went quiet, but finally told her. “He isn’t the one trading you. I am.” He heard her suck in air with shock.
“Wakarimasen,” she mumbled. “I want to stay by your side.”
It was Gaara’s turn to be stunned by her words. She still wanted to remain by his side. ‘Dosh’te?’ He quickly shook his head. He couldn’t falter now. “I don’t want you near me. Why would I?" His eyes were cold when he turned to face her. “You’re useless and insignificant. Your very presence is stifling me.”
He saw something in her eyes break at his words and he tried not to flinch, or make any type of expression. Her mouth opened but nothing came out. “Get out of my sight,” he told her, as he turned away. The ache in his chest was enough to bring him to his knees, but he held on.
“Sumimasen, Gaara-dono,” he heard her say, chocking back a sob. She was gone before he could say anything. He turned around and started intently after her before turning to the spot she had been standing moments before.
“It’s…it’s for the best,” he told himself. The image of her shattered eyes would haunt him for years to come; he just hadn’t realized it yet.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
He lifted his head when two figures walked into the office, the Kazekage’s old office. They had just informed him that his father’s body had been found on the outskirts of Suna, but he couldn’t muster enough emotion to care. He had hated him, so he felt no remorse or sorrow.
However, he was most interested to hear what the two figures had to say that had entered. After his fight against Naruto, which he had lost, he had realized that he cared about Eizan and that he wanted her by his side. He had left her in the stadium and he’d sent the Itagaki and Erizawa after her. If anyone would fight to get her back, they sure as hell would.
The words that came from Amane’s mouth caused something within him to break. “Oto’s taken her,” she said with barely restrained anger. Her ebony orbs were filled with murder and her partner was shaking with rage beside her. “Explain, now.”
Gaara was at a loss for words. He opened his mouth but nothing would come out. It was Temari who stepped forward. “The agreement between Suna and Oto was sealed with the exchange of Ashikaga Arisa.”
The blonde had wished she had kept her mouth shut at the look on Amane’s face and the cry of despair that escaped Iwane before she slammed her fist into a nearby wall. She looked at her brother helplessly, but Kankurou shook his head. ‘Don’t get involved.’
“And...who agreed to this exchange?” Amane demanded, her voice shaking. Her eyes were riveted on Gaara, so it was clear that she already knew the answer to that.
The scarlet haired shinobi lifted his head and his features were twisted as if he were in pain. “I did,” he replied, voice devoid of emotion although his eyes were another story.
Iwane cried again and moved to form seals but Amane beat her to it as Kaze no Yaiba ripped through the room. Gaara made no move to defend himself as he lowered his face to the ground, a hand gripping his shirt over his heart.-
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End, Lifetime of Sorrow.
Author: shattered-words
Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, it’d be called ‘Gaara’. So, isn’t it a shame that I don’t own it. (“Mad World” belongs to Gary Jules)
Summary: What went through his mind as he met and interacted with her? Did he hate her presence, or was he mirror of her lonely soul? [Gaara-centric, no actual pairings]
AN: This is more than I ever imagined writing but it suddenly came to me one night and I wrote it with a feverish effort. I enjoy the way it turned out and forgive the sudden ending, but I felt that too much would be revealed before GoD (Glimpses of Darkness). Please enjoy, and thanks goes to Shadows-upon-Sand, my beta. Thank you.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad...the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had...”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It was a Tuesday. People told time by the amount of days that had gone by, the minutes that had passed them. There was no sense of time for him anymore. It was either day or night; he was either training or staring off into space. There was no concept of time when there was no sleep, so there was no resting period for him either.
Tomorrow would be Wednesday but that didn’t matter either. Every day would be spent alone as he watched the other children play with each other. He steered clear of there because he was afraid they would call him a monster and look at him with those hate filled eyes. It made him sad. He knew he had to try but how could he, when no one would let him get close. He was Suna no Gaara.
It was Thursday now, but he hadn’t even realized when Wednesday had come and gone. Before he realized it, the week would be over and once again he would be alone. Yashamaru was there but he had missions and couldn’t be there for him all the time. He wished for someone his age.
It was on a Friday that he found himself at the playground, sitting on the swing. This was where he was safest, hugging Mr. Bear as he watched the children play. If he got near them, would they still run away? He wanted to try but there was no courage there. However, when their ball became stuck, he was motivated to leave the swing. If he helped them, maybe they’d see that he meant them no harm. He should have stayed on the swing.
“It’s Gaara,” a voice said fearfully from within the crowd of a dozen children.
‘No, please don’t be afraid of me...’
“Suna no Gaara,” another one intoned, already stepping away. He saw the others freeze in fear and then soon they started to inch back.
‘No. I won’t hurt you.’
“Run!” He didn’t know who said it first but they all suddenly whirled around and started to flee from him. It was getting dark and the sun was already setting. The night was scary.
“Matte! Please don’t leave me alone!” Even when he cried out to them, his own fear clouding his senses, they didn’t stop running. It was almost night and anything could happen to him. ‘Doesn’t anyone care about me?’
A sudden anger filled him as his fingers tightened around the ball and the sand reacted to his emotion and attacked them. It started to drag them back to their deaths. He saw a little girl standing just on the edge of the playground, silhouetted against the dying sunlight behind her, and he made the sand lunge at her. It was strange but he saw no fear in her eyes.
When it went to attack one of the other children and crush the girl, a figure appeared in front of his sand and shielded the child. Everything came to an abrupt stop and the sand fell harmlessly to the ground before it could hurt someone. “Please stop, Gaara-sama!” It was Yashamaru. He had hurt him.
He heard someone fall and turned to see the girl on her knees. “Why?” she asked, tears starting to stream down her face. There was so much pain in those dark eyes, rimmed in a blood red color. He felt bad that he had almost killed her and he saw that Yashamaru was giving her a sympathetic look.
She looked at the blonde man, and frowned before she turned to look at him. The tears continued to flow freely but there was a sad smile on her features. “Do not trust so easily.” She got up and stumbled away, disappearing into the darkness. He almost went after her but she wouldn’t want to see him either. Gaara was a monster that had almost killed her.
His uncle was making sure the children were fine and he fled as well, hating the looks they were giving him. He was a bakemono, but he was also afraid. ‘Doesn’t anyone care about me?’ Gaara had no answer to that.
Later that night he was motivated by the blonde ninja’s words and went in search of the children he had hurt. He braved his fear of the dark and ran through the abandoned streets of Suna. It looked frightening at night but he wouldn’t let that get him down.
He came to the first house. It was a failure. “Go home, monster.” Such harsh words, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him. Maybe one of them would be kind enough to accept his apology and would see that he wasn’t really a monster. He was just a child that was as afraid as they were of the sand that was at his control.
He lost count of the failures and he almost didn’t go to the lone girl’s house, but he refused to let go of his hope. Gaara knew that someday he would have a friend that would stick by him and heal the hurt in his chest. He knocked and she opened the door. Those big eyes were once more filled with an emptiness that almost made him shudder.
She took the bag and thanked him and he was almost elated that he’d been successful. He hadn’t expected to be asked inside, though. It was night and his eyes darted to the dark house behind the girl. She saw his hesitation and muttered something as she closed the door.
Gaara saw her eyes dim and realized that she might be rejecting him for not accepting her offer to be let in. “No, I’ll come in,” he gasped, desperate to be accepted in return. She paused as she peered at him with those chilling eyes and he waited with baited breath.
When she opened the door so he could go in he sighed and stepped inside. She closed the door and went down the hall as Gaara froze by the door. It was so dark in the house, and he was half afraid that something would reach out and swallow him.
She turned on the kitchen light and poked her head around the corner. When she motioned for him to follow before disappearing once more, he bolted for the lighted doorway and stopped just inside the room. There was a western style table where a kotatsu was normally located, and she was filling a pot of water as she stood on a stool since she was too short to properly reach the sink.
He sat at the table when she told him too and the night proceeded calmly. Her name was Ashikaga Eizan and she was so much like him. The ability she controlled was almost terrifying and she had also killed her own family by accident with it. Fire.
She caught him staring at her several times and he’d look away in embarrassment, but there was no need to be. Eizan was just like him. ‘Just like me.’
The end was when it all went wrong. As he was leaving, she finally asked him his name. “It’s...Gaara,” he told her and he expected her to be scared because of what people said, but she only nodded.
“I would not trust that man,” she said to him as he went to walk out the door, catching his arm. He paused just outside and turned to look at her in confusion. Gaara thought she meant Yashamaru since she had said something like this once before, earlier today. “His eyes are hateful even when his face is kind.”
“You mean Yashamaru?” he asked and shook his head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. He’s the one that made me the ointment. He was worried about you being hurt.” The man had risked his life to save that other child and now she was saying that he wasn’t to be trusted.
He saw her face harden and her eyes go dead once more as she grip the door tightly. “His eyes are the same. They are the same as everyone else that looks at me with hate and fear, as if I were some kind of monster,” she growled, eyes narrowing. “You would do well to be careful.”
She sounded so old and Gaara was saddened by the look in her eyes. Although, she didn’t want to believe what she said. He shook his head and opened his mouth but she slammed the door in his face. The red haired boy stepped back and frowned before turning around.
He tried to think of Yashamaru’s face and all the times they had been together. His kind eyes always held a cold tinge to them but he had assumed that it was because of his life as a ninja. He quickly walked away from the house and when he turned back he saw that there were still no lights on. She was just as alone as he was. After a moment he continued on.
That night, it was proven that Eizan had been right. An assassin came for his life and attacked him. She saved him once and he became angry when she collapsed. He saw the kunai sticking out of her back and he let the sand envelop the ninja and crush the life out of him.
It was Yashamaru’s face staring back at him when he removed the face covering. He fell onto his knees. ‘His eyes are hateful even when his face is kind.’ Eizan’s words came back to haunt him and as Gaara was filled with terror and despair, he threw his head back and screamed.
Yashamaru was dead and blood was pouring from his forehead. He had carved the kanji for love there to remind himself that he had no use of such a useless emotion. His uncle had said he care for him and then tried to kill him, so love didn’t exist. He faced Eizan and lifted his hand as the sand wrapped around her. If he was alone and couldn’t believe in anyone then she deserved to die for almost making him think that he could trust her.
He flinched as her words came back to him once more. ‘They don’t like me either.’ The sand hesitated and dropped her at his feet. ‘I told you...to be careful.’ He saw the kunai that she had protected him from, embedded into her flesh.
Gaara knelt beside her and removed one of them. “Why...did you?” he started to ask, but found that he couldn’t finish the statement. As he pulled out a second kunai, she responded to his unanswered question.
“Because you’re just like me,” she whispered as she lay perfectly still. Her words caused him to stop his movements; one of the projectiles gripped in his hand but quickly let it fall beside her.
“I don’t trust you,” he told her. He wouldn’t allow anyone else to hurt him as Yashamaru had done when he betrayed him. If he had to, he would distance himself from everyone and remain safe within the sand they all feared.
Eizan laughed softly as she nodded. “I know you don’t,” she said. It was the reaction he had been expecting and he was quiet for several moments. She lifted herself onto her hands and knees and met his eyes. “He’s wrong. You’re not a failure.”
‘When the Kazekage learned that his experiment was a failure, he knew you had to be eliminated.’
“They will see,” she told him. Gaara took her words to heart and knew that she was right. If they were scared of him, then he would give them something to fear. It hurt that they hated him when he had done nothing, and so he would give them something to hate about him.
“My only purpose is to end life,” he said as if he had suddenly realized it. As he said this, he knew that it was true. When he killed another he would prove his existence to those that ignored him as if he weren’t there. “To fight only for myself and love only myself.”
“Hai, and mine will be to help you fulfill that purpose, Gaara-dono,” she said as she lowered her head, still on her hands and knees. He stared down at her coldly.
Gaara knew he had been forsaken in the darkness, but he didn’t understand why she wanted to be with him. Then he remembered that she was as alone as he was, in that dark house with no one to love her either. He found himself nodding. If they were both lost in the night then clinging to one another would make sure that they weren’t alone.
He still didn’t trust her, but that could be easily solved. She stood and joined him as he stared out at Suna, filled with so many people that would help him prove his existence. If she did betray him one day, it would be so simple to crush her delicate bones with her by his side.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
They joined the Academy together and were placed in the same class. She had yet to betray him but he knew that it was only a matter of time. Many in the class feared her as much as him, but he didn’t even bother killing them. He already had someone by his side that would one day help him prove that he was alive.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
She had carved Ai into her chest, just above her heart. He slapped her. Only he was allowed to shed her blood. She hadn’t betrayed him yet but it would happen, sooner or later, and so when that time came he wanted her to be unblemished and healthy.
“Why did you do this?” he demanded coldly. He had no need to raise his voice to make her flinch. It was intoxicating and almost made him end her life right then and there, but it wasn’t the right time yet. Her life belonged to him and he would end it when he saw fit.
“I wanted to feel your pain,” she told him. His hand paused as he was cleaning the wound and something in his heart gave a strange skip. Gaara had almost forgotten he had a heart.
“You’re a fool,” he told her as he started to dab at the wound again but looked at her in awe. When she looked up she caught his eye and quickly looked down once more, cheeks tinged with pink.
“Hai, I am.” For a moment, he forgot that she would betray him one day.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
They graduated from the Academy and they were assigned to different teams. He was placed with his older brother and sister, and he suspected that his father was doing so to keep an eye on him. It was either that or to separate him from Eizan. She belonged to him and no one would do such a thing, but for now he left it alone.
When she lied to him he had hurt her and showed no remorse, but he had turned away. He wanted to kill her but he had no idea why he turned away. “I was scared.” Gaara heard her say before the sand covered her face and he flinched. The sand let her go and he almost sighed when he realized something. He couldn’t kill her.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“The Otokage has stated that they will help Suna crush Konoha only if we give them something,” Baki told them. He turned to look at Gaara and the red head expected to hear the worse. However, his next words were shocking even to him. “He wants Ashikaga Arisa.”
Gaara had found out that Eizan’s name came from her dead brother and that she was in actuality Ashikaga Arisa. He had almost killed her then for lying about her name, but he had curved his anger and decided not too. At the time he hadn’t know why but he refused to acknowledge that it was because she eased his loneliness.
“I don’t care. Give her to them,” he said calmly. He saw his sibling’s stunned expressions but turned away. To tell the truth, he was stunned as well.
Later that morning, he found himself at the playground where they had first seen each other, and he was standing in front of the swing. He felt her presence approaching but said nothing to her, the wind gently picking up the ends of his almost shoulder length scarlet hair. She didn’t approach him and stood there for several seconds before she started to leave.
A panic seized him and he called out her name. “Eizan,” and then stopped. It surprised him and it seemed that she had frozen in shock as well as he heard her almost stumble.
Of course, since he had never called her by her first name, and he had dropped the honorific. Eizan was a very formal and polite person at times, and she never said anyone’s name without the correct suffix. At times, he felt more distanced from her because of the -dono she used for his name.
She was about to kneel besides him and he lifted his hand to stop her. He turned to face her and she averted her eyes. After a few moments of staring at her she began to fidget and he frowned. This was something new. She had never shuffled nervously when in his presence and wondered what had changed.
Gaara almost decided against his earlier proclamation to Baki but he clamped his mouth shut and turned away. She was doing strange things and making him feel something he had no control over. There was an ache in his heart every time he set eyes on her.
“When we leave to Konoha in a few days, we will carry out a mission…” He decided to stick with his plan. It was better off if she was gone from his sight, and when she was, she’d take these feelings and this ache.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
He saw her eyes widen in shock when he spoke those words, when moments before her face had been set in confusion. Then he spoke cruel words to her, trying to get her to hate him enough to betray him, so he could kill her.
“Nani? What are you talking about?” she asked him, and he could tell that she was trying to understand what he had told her. He felt that ache return to his chest but he ignored it.
Gaara turned away and peered into the darkness, but the shocked look on her face wouldn’t leave his mind. “Suna has agreed to give you to Oto in exchange for their help in crushing Konoha.” He was sure that now she would hate him.
“I won’t go,” she growled, expecting her too, but her next words surprised him. “I won’t let that bastard Kazekage trade me like a possession.” So, he believed that his father was the one that was trading her.
He almost let her believe it as he went quiet, but finally told her. “He isn’t the one trading you. I am.” He heard her suck in air with shock.
“Wakarimasen,” she mumbled. “I want to stay by your side.”
It was Gaara’s turn to be stunned by her words. She still wanted to remain by his side. ‘Dosh’te?’ He quickly shook his head. He couldn’t falter now. “I don’t want you near me. Why would I?" His eyes were cold when he turned to face her. “You’re useless and insignificant. Your very presence is stifling me.”
He saw something in her eyes break at his words and he tried not to flinch, or make any type of expression. Her mouth opened but nothing came out. “Get out of my sight,” he told her, as he turned away. The ache in his chest was enough to bring him to his knees, but he held on.
“Sumimasen, Gaara-dono,” he heard her say, chocking back a sob. She was gone before he could say anything. He turned around and started intently after her before turning to the spot she had been standing moments before.
“It’s…it’s for the best,” he told himself. The image of her shattered eyes would haunt him for years to come; he just hadn’t realized it yet.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
He lifted his head when two figures walked into the office, the Kazekage’s old office. They had just informed him that his father’s body had been found on the outskirts of Suna, but he couldn’t muster enough emotion to care. He had hated him, so he felt no remorse or sorrow.
However, he was most interested to hear what the two figures had to say that had entered. After his fight against Naruto, which he had lost, he had realized that he cared about Eizan and that he wanted her by his side. He had left her in the stadium and he’d sent the Itagaki and Erizawa after her. If anyone would fight to get her back, they sure as hell would.
The words that came from Amane’s mouth caused something within him to break. “Oto’s taken her,” she said with barely restrained anger. Her ebony orbs were filled with murder and her partner was shaking with rage beside her. “Explain, now.”
Gaara was at a loss for words. He opened his mouth but nothing would come out. It was Temari who stepped forward. “The agreement between Suna and Oto was sealed with the exchange of Ashikaga Arisa.”
The blonde had wished she had kept her mouth shut at the look on Amane’s face and the cry of despair that escaped Iwane before she slammed her fist into a nearby wall. She looked at her brother helplessly, but Kankurou shook his head. ‘Don’t get involved.’
“And...who agreed to this exchange?” Amane demanded, her voice shaking. Her eyes were riveted on Gaara, so it was clear that she already knew the answer to that.
The scarlet haired shinobi lifted his head and his features were twisted as if he were in pain. “I did,” he replied, voice devoid of emotion although his eyes were another story.
Iwane cried again and moved to form seals but Amane beat her to it as Kaze no Yaiba ripped through the room. Gaara made no move to defend himself as he lowered his face to the ground, a hand gripping his shirt over his heart.-
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
End, Lifetime of Sorrow.