Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Misunderstandings ❯ Toxic ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Kakashi-sensei always wore the mask � that stony face that can put on a glare capable of turning unwitting fools to stone. The only emotion it displays is a fake fa�ade. The difference is, when I knew him the first time, when we were friends, he wore the mask lightly. He could drop it easily among his Squad, when he was with me, he only used it when he had to, to get by this ninja or that student.

Anime/Manga: Naruto Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Psychological / Romance / Angst | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 11.27.2005 | Updated On: 11.27.2005 | Pages: 4 | Words: 5.4K | Visits: 668 | Status: Work In Progress

A/N: Yes, there are a million stories out there about Kakashi and Sakura. The fans don't care right? They are always looking for more. I hope this turns out well. I did it for these reasons A.) to dedicate it to a fellow author whom I love. Her name is Oneesan no Miroku Houshi and she writes an awesome story called Lessons in Shinobi Love it's a KakaSaku romance that is indeed a work of true genius (Lol I almost types genin, I'm retarded) anyway… B.) also I'm trying to dissect the motives of Sakura and C.) Remember what its like being 16, her current age in the fanfic.

I have learned that Sakura's mind is a fascinating, often highly irrational, confused and frustrating place to be and I'm so glad I don't have to live through that age difference again.

DISCLAIMER: Don't own it. If I did would I waste my time writing what I wish could've been? Hell this would be the manga!

Title: Misunderstandings

Author: Hinoto Nobukaze

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: SasuSaku SakuKaka

Summary: SasuSaku SakuKaka Sasuke breaks up with Sakura and Sakura tries to figure out Kakashi and any future relationship that she may have with him. Sakura P.O.V. Please R&R!

Misunderstandings

Chapter 1: Toxic

By: Hinoto Nobukaze

Isn't it strange how it's very easy-yet really difficult to forgive someone once they're gone and very far away?

Even though it hurt me badly, I hurt even more when he left me…as if I'd lost the one thing in my life that had meaning. I did care for him, and it hurt in so many ways. Part of me, that silly inner part of me hopes that he cared for me back, somewhere. But I guess he did it for revenge…or himself…or both. I know I got what I deserved. Maybe he showed Kakashi-sensei what I was, but I think he already knew. Sasuke did do me the favor of showing me what I really was—a lovesick fool, and for that I will be grateful…even if it is painful.

I never did like looking at my reflection.

I wonder if I were dead or very far away, if Kakashi-sensei would forgive me.

I think that was my hope the first time, when I came back to him. Maybe I had been gone long enough, and he had forgiven me.

But he hadn't.

I don't understand.

Even now that I know, I don't understand. I'm not sure I forgive him yet either.

It's funny, after I found his letter; I don't even really remember what happened. I must have been so confused…all I remember was a series of powerful sensations…joy, anger, lust, fear…lots of fear. I remember gloating at someone…Was it Kakashi-sensei or someone else, like Naruto? I remember hating the power of love, because…I don't know. Because I wanted to destroy any hope that he had stored up in that letter. Because I wanted to destroy my own hope, because I was scared and I was hurting after Sasuke said cruel things to me shortly before I found Kakashi-sensei's letter.

It pains me to try and remember, even more then anything trying to remember any of the occurring events of later that day. I must have been pretty messed up. He got the letter back; somehow…I must have been the one to give it to him. I wish I could remember what I had said.

He kept it for a while, until shortly after Sasuke broke up with me. I think perhaps he and Naruto went together to settle an old rivalry somewhere. I wonder what would happen if someone like Kakashi-sensei lost badly in a battle?

Kakashi-sensei threw that letter away shortly after that. Maybe he's over me. Isn't that wonderful? Shouldn't I feel wonderful? Why don't I feel wonderful?

I feel sick and disgusted.

I wonder what would happen if he could be granted the power of love? What would he do with it?

I believe in love, but I never thought you could win it in a ninja fight.

A breeze passes by me, through me, raising goose bumps on my arms. The sun is setting slowly, taking the warmth from this place. I have been standing by this tree forever. My feet ache and there's a hard lumps in the pit of my stomach. I'm trembling, but from what I don't know.

The path is lined with trees that reach their branches up into the heavens like they're longing for something they can never touch. They look so fragile against the wind, yet they stand there, persisting in their fruitless mission. As they reach higher, their leaves flee. The wind surrounds me with swirls of green and orange. The leaves, soon to be forgotten, mingle at my feet and dance away.

Quick footsteps echo down the walkway. I look up, and note with relief and another prang of trepidation that it is he, moving in his slow strides towards me, though his lone eye is downcast, lost in thought. A rare moment when his mask is down.

Kakashi-sensei always wore the mask - that stony face that can put on a glare capable of turning unwitting fools to stone. The only emotion it displays is a fake façade. The difference is, when I knew him the first time, when we were friends, he wore the mask lightly. He could drop it easily among his Squad, when he was with me, he only used it when he had to, to get by this ninja or that student.

He wears it almost all of the time now, save perhaps the infrequent moment when he spares a real smile for the Hokage, or more rarely for Naruto, who has a way of slipping past most people's defenses. I envy them.

Now I'm the reason he wears it so much. Or at least one of the reasons.

He breezes by me. He's frowning through his mask, and it's intense, as if it weights were attached to his face, pulling it down. What is his burden today?

In a way, I don't want to bother him. Let him be free of his mask for a while. Maybe he will remember what it's like to be himself. If I approach him, the mask will raise.

But…

I have to follow him. Summoning every ounce of willpower I have, I leave the tree that I was leaning against and quickly move to catch him.

He does not turn his head, but his pace slows for just a moment, so I fall in behind his steps quickly. I stay just a little bit behind him, maybe because I'm afraid to look at his face, incase that mask has returned, and I'll be speaking to an angry, angelic statue of a god.

We walk for a while, and we're almost to the school, when he finally turns his head slightly, just enough to indicate that he's addressing me. He speaks in that even, cool tone he uses for acquaintances and enemies. “Is there a reason you're following me, Sakura?”

All the things I want to say to him have crumbled in my mind under the weight of my fear, all of the apologies, condolences and accusations. I never used to be afraid of him, but now I am like all of the others, cringing at that petrifying gaze- and I deserve his wrath more then anyone. Part of me hates myself for being afraid of him, and hates him for making me afraid of him, but I can't get angry at him, not now. I can't afford it. Not after I've already lost so much. I try to take the energy of that anger and turn it into something like bravery, just enough so I can speak to him.

“He was your best student. I'm sorry.” Is all I manage to stammer out. It's actually been a week since, but he's been keeping himself busy and so have I.

He stops, and I stop. He turns to look at me, full in the face. In a moment, comprising something like a tiny, weak miracle, I realize he hasn't put up that mask. His dark eye is shimmering, and I realize there is grief in them, which would indicate, if Kakashi were a normal man, he'd have been sobbing his eyes out not too long ago. It is old grief, nothing I said brought it and I know that Kakashi-sensei hasn't been crying. In a weird way, I like seeing him look like this, because he looks human, not like a moving statue or a predatory wild dog. His face has a hint of softness, and I am reminded a moment of the handsome, proud sensei I was so close to a few years ago, that man that made me feel so warm and wonderful. He blinks at me, almost like he thinks I'm crazy. I wonder what he sees in my face? I might be about to cry myself.

“Thank you,” He replies quietly, acknowledging my feeble gesture with a slight nod and an upturn of the lip that could not quite be called a smile.

Then the mask goes up, and the eyes turn to hard, cold hematite. He turns away and begins walking again, though more slowly then before. I follow.

“Is that all you wanted, Sakura?” I am behind him; his back is still turned to me.

No, of course there isn't. When have you ever cared about what I wanted?

I swallow, the new wave of anger striking me so suddenly. I try hard to hold it back, but it's trying to punch its way through my chest…the part of me that wants him near and the part of me that hates him wrestle once again. “Why, Kakashi-sensei? Why did you come to me last night after Sasuke made that phone call?”

He tilts his head downward. “If I remember correctly, it's because I'm lame.”

The tension in my heart twinges, the two sides of myself are pulling hard and my face grows warm with embarrassment and anger. “I wasn't…in a good state of mind then. I'm sorry. Please answer the question.”

“I told you, I was concerned. I thought…you might need someone to talk to.” I want to believe him, but he still refuses to look at me. His voice is still monotone.

“Why is it, that you'll only be my friend when I'm helpless?” I plead, anger, pride and desperation causing my voice to waver between a snarl and a squeak.

He begins to walk away in silence.

Anger wins, bursting through me like a popped kernel of corn, bursting and relieving. “Don't you dare walk away from me again, Kakashi-sensei!” I snap, the force in my voice startling even me, although I don't let that stop me. I am tired of people walking away from me, leaving me in the dark and alone. I may not deserve much, but I at least deserve to understand why.

He keeps trying to walk, and the desire to punish him washes over my senses like a tsunami. I grab his arm, trying to pull him around so he'll face me. “What the hell is up with you, Kakashi-sensei? I try to start over with you, and you reject me. Then I try to get close to someone else, and suddenly you're hovering over me like a…a…mother hen…or a…a…ex-lover! You move when my defenses are down, waiting for me to fall, waiting for me to be weak or pathetic? Waiting for me to crawl under your wing? Why? Why do I have to be helpless for you to love me?” Even with the hot fury, I feel tears sting my eyes.

He stops trying to pull away from me. His eye catches mine, and it is quivering, dark and desperate. I don't know if he's feeling hatred, hurt or both. A voice inside my mind is pleading for me to shut up, wailing that I'm destroying the last vestige of hope that our closeness might be salvaged…but Kakashi-sensei's jaw is locked shut, and his reticence spurs on my anger.

“Are you so pathetic and weak yourself that you need someone even weaker to lean on? Or are you just looking for someone gullible to seduce?”

The confused eye widen with a fiery blaze. “How could you think that?”

“How could I think that?! You're the one who carried that god damn love note around that you wrote me and would never give me for months!” His eye flinched. Good. I will break that mask open. The tsunami crashes out of my mouth in a torrent of feelings I can't even keep up with my mind. “ You wanted me, but you never told me…You were ashamed, ashamed of your lust, and ashamed of me, ashamed that you could feel that way about one of your students. Or maybe feel that way about someone you once pitied. Rather then tell me - god forbid I return those feelings- you just shut yourself off, started growing cold. I thought it was because I was getting in your way, because I thought you wanted concentrate on training Sasuke instead, and so I did what I thought would pursue my dreams and went out with Sasuke. The fact that you let me…means that you must have not cared at all…I was an object to you, a pet and when I displeased you, you let me stay in my delusions and leave you. You threw me away like that love note!!!” I can hardly see for all of the tears. “And the naïve little girl I am, came back to you, admitting what I've done, tried to start over, and you rejected me again, and then you act all hurt when I try to get on with my life! Well, fuck you Kakashi-sensei! You selfish obsessed little bastard!”

I pause for breath and to wonder at the things I'd just said. Tension is released, the wave begins to dissipate.

His eyes grew wider all the while I was talking, and now he's simply blinking at me. “Selfish?” is all he says in a wuff of disbelief.

It's enough to snap my perspective for a moment, Sasuke-sempai sneers at me from my mind's eye. Who is selfish? Logic faintly asserts its voice in the back of my mind: perhaps this is not the best route to take. I try to think of something else to say, but I find myself fascinated by the gymnastics of his face, eye widening, then narrowing, mouth opening, then closing, and mask moving with his mouth. He's struggling to put the mask back on and he can't quite do it. A part of me is still pleased to have the real Kakashi-sensei standing before me, scrambling for his shallow defenses. It's very strange…he's hot when he looks hurt. Almost as hot as when he smiles.

“If…I had told you…how I felt, would you have returned my feelings, though you were in love with Sasuke?”

“How do you feel?” Cooling down, now I can fully feel the tears course down my face.

Kakashi-sensei swallows. His lips trembles. “I…” The words come out of my mouth as if someone were extracting them one by one, painfully. “I was in love with you.”

My heart and my stomach perform Replacement Jutsu then go back again. “I…don't know, Kakashi-sensei.” I answer mostly honestly. “But if you really had wanted…if you had really wanted to really love me, you would have at least tried to find out.”

He says nothing.

It's time to finish my piece and run, my turn to be a coward and show him my back. My bare facsimile of bravery is fading fast. “You can be mad at me for any reason you want, Kakashi-sensei. You can hate me. You have a million reasons and they're all good, but just remember: you rejected me first.”

Using the remaining angry energy within me, I pivot on my heel and march toward my house. The hot tears fall anew and turn to ice on my cheeks in the wind. I hate myself because I said things I didn't mean to say, and because I meant every word I said. His words bounce dizzingly through my mind.

I was in love with you...

I was in lovewith you...

I wasin love with you...

I want to fall off the ends of the earth and just keep falling.

TBC

A/N: This was my first time writing something like this. Please tell me I'm in character. *prays* Please review, any help would be necessary!