Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Moving Out ❯ Never Woulda Happened ( Chapter 3 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hatake residence, Friday; 8:00 am

It felt like it was going to be a boring day. After breakfast, Kiba went straight to the living room and slouched into an easy chair. He’d usually have walks with Akamaru around this time; since his partner wasn’t around, all he could do to entertain himself was play with his claws. He felt like being quiet, he wasn’t a morning person, more of an afternoon person.

“Hey, sport. What have you been up to lately?” The Copy Nin leans over the 18-year-old Inuzuka.

“We’ve only been here for two nights… And a day… I haven’t been up to anything.” Kiba responds.

“I heard you liked Ino.” Kakashi flashes a perverted grin. “Maybe you wanted to talk about it?”

“What?!” The Inuzuka freezes almost involuntarily.

“I think it’s time we talked about sex.” The son of Konoha’s White Fang imposes.

“Noooo-no-no-no-no-no-no-no! Hell no!”

“What? Com’on, it’s good for father and son to talk about this. Even if we’re just, you know, pretend father and son.”

“I don’t need any info you get from that little porn book you read all the time.” He breaks free from the suspension that shock gave his body.

“Infamy! Outrage! It’s not porn, it’s a tickler for the mind. I’m devastated you’d actually say that, after I built you a tree house out on the back yard.”

“Tree house? Wait a minute, there is no tree back there.” Kiba clearly points out.

“I grew one.” Kakashi leaned back on the couch and clamped his hands over his abdomen.

“From a seed?” Kiba leaned in.

“Uh-huh.” He raises his feet to place them on the coffee table.

“Overnight?” Tilted his head in disbelief.

“Yes.” Kakashi was now playing with his hair, still leaning back.

“And how tall is this tree?” He leaned back to sink in the easy chair he was sitting on, crossing his arms; waiting where this conversation would take him.

“About as tall as the house.”

“In about twelve hours it’s almost as tall as a two-story townhouse?”

“I actually it a sapling, it came from a seed.”

“How big was this sapling?”

“About… yey big.” Leveling his hand right above his head.

“And somehow it grew into an 18-foot monster of a tree overnight?”

“Your mom found some killer fertilizer.”

“Fertilizer don’t make plants grow that fast.”

“I think it was radioactive sludge, then the tree got angry, then it grew twel-”

“Tree would’ve died.”

“I sacrificed a kid.”

“You wouldn’t.” Amazing how long they can talk about this nonsense, and no one was screaming or eye contact.

“Yes I would.”

“Who’d you sacrifice then?”

“Rock Lee.”

“YOU KILLED LEE?!” Kiba jumped up because of the thought.

“What the fuck are you talking about?! I didn’t kill anyone, I just asked the boy to carry the tree from the forest to the backyard. Wanna see?”

“Make my day.”

They walked out the backdoor and low and behold; there was a tree house. Well, less of a tree house and more like one of those crow’s nests you see in pirate ships.

“Now that you’ve seen the tree, let’s talk about sex.”

“OH GOD!” Kiba covers his ears.

“Sex is GREAT… And I AM GREAT at it… And I have it… ALL THE TIME.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Kiba says to himself.

“Don’t tell your pretend mom.”

“Sure, sure.” Kiba shoves the idea away, “So who told you that I liked Ino?”

“Ebisu.” Kakashi stares up the tree house and smirks, “He also told me he got Sai a car. Candy-assed moron, showing off his foster child’s car. Say! How about I buy you a car?” Before Kiba could reply, Kakashi was already on the move.

“Hey! What are you gonna do in the tree house?!” He shouts as the jonin climbs up the ladder to the puny excuse of a tree house.

“I’m! … Uhhmm! … Bird watching!” He then pulls out a pair of binoculars looks through them, “Yeah, that’s right. You dirty, nasty girl…”

“I can hear you!!” Kiba barks.

“Don’t you have friends to hang out with?!” Throwing his voice in a calm manner, not even disarming his spectacles.

Kiba sighed and walked lazily back inside the house, got a hand on his phone and headed straight back to the living room. He dove into the couch and went into speed dial #1. After a few rings, someone answered.

“Yellow!” Naruto said in an ascending tone.

“Yellow? Really?” Kiba pokes with a lazy voice.

“I find it easier to say the color yellow than the word hello.” Naruto ecstatically announces, pumping his fists, “Just leave it be.”

“Whatever. How do I get to your new place? I was looking to hang out.” Kiba stands up and walks to the kitchen. He lightens up a bit and sheds a smile.

“Oh, okay! You live around Orshagil East, right?” Naruto raised his eyebrows.

“Yup. Which part of the suburbs do you live?” Kiba asks as he opens the fridge to find some grub.

“You’re going to need a pen and paper. The way to our house is quite tricky.”

“Okay then. Pen.” Kiba snatches a pen from the pencil holder on top of the fridge, “And paper.” Kiba tears a paper towel off its roll. He the leans on an island counter.

“Okay here goes. Head straight on the Main Road in the middle Orshagil East, make a left, then a quick right.” Naruto raises an eyebrow and looks up to visualize his instructions, “That road curves to the right for a while.” Naruto licks the upper left corner of his mouth and traces a parabola with the opening facing down, “About half a circle.”

Naruto continues, “By the time you finish the curve, you’ll reach the end of that road. Then you should be on Orshagil West. Are you getting this?”

“Hold on. Half… a… cir… cle… Hmm.” Kiba looks at the map as he finishes the curved line, “Okay. I’m listening.”

“Make a right and then a quick left. Go two corners down and look to the right. Our house is the third one on the right. You all got that?” Naruto grins.

“Uhm, Naruto.” Kiba looks at the paper towel with confusion.

“So did I make you draw a penis?” Naruto checks his nails.

“Yes.” Kiba says with a flat voice and a straight face, “Yes you did.” He then hears Naruto and Sai laugh through the phone, then silence.

“Ha, cool. I’m tearing up, man.” Naruto bluntly says while wiping a tear from his eye.

“Any other bright ideas? Hmm? ” Kiba calmly says as he disposes of the paper. He did find it quite amusing.

“Don’t you worry, bro. We’re just around the corner; we’ll get there in no time.” Naruto explains, “It’s the Fukuda University’s orientation day today. We have to be there by 10 or Neji’s going to lose it. Aryt? Bye!” Naruto hangs up the phone and moments later, Kiba heard honking from the front yard.

Kiba steps out the front door and saw a 2004 Lexus IS300 stalled in front of their house, it was Sai’s car. Inside, Sai was reading a book while Naruto popped his head out the window, shouting.

“Oi! Kiba! We’re going to be late!”

All of the sudden, Kakashi dashed out the house, “Huh. So that’s the car? I can do better than that.”

“What the heck are you talking about?” Kiba walks over to the car as Kakashi runs off to a distance.

“You’ll see soon!” After a while, Kakashi was out of sight.

Kiba gets in the car and they go off to school.

Quindo district; 10:30 am

“Ever since we went undercover, I could see crime everywhere and feel powerless to stop it.” Guy complained to his self-proclaimed rival.

“Well we can’t do anything about it. We’re in hiding. We’ll learn to live with it eventually.” Kakashi replies and puts on a black beanie.

“I can’t do that. Look at these youth; stealing, vandalizing and disturbing the peace.” Guy points out as he garbs his head with a black ski mask.

“We’ll talk about this later. Let’s just get this one thing done first.” Kakashi says as they enter a bank; Guy nods in submission.

Quindo district; 11:00 am

“See? That never woulda happened if we were shinobi.” Guy shrugs and flails his money bag in the air.

“Let it go, Guy. If you hate it so much, why not join the force?” Kakashi suggests as he walks with his money bag hanging over his shoulder.

Guy jumped at the thought, “You’re right! Let’s be policemen!”

“Are you crazy? I’m not goin’ to be a cop!” Kakashi rebelled at the notion.

“We both don’t have jobs, so I thought you’d join me.”

“You’re retarded if you think I’m going to comply just because you asked me.”

“You are going to join me.” Guy says with a smug tone.

“Ohm-nom-nom. Oh god, oh god. I’m fucking retarded. Hurr. Hdurf. Fuck. Ohm-nom-nom” Kakashi insults his bushy browed friend, trying to sound and act retarded.

“It’s either you join me or I’ll rat you out to the cops about the bank robbery.”

“You wouldn’t!” Kakashi’s eyes grew as broad as plates.

“Oh sir. He did it, I didn’t have a chance. He’s a mad man, a beast driven with the hunger to murder.”

Fukuda University; 12:05 noon

Kiba not was a man of rules. So Kiba, Naruto, Shikamaru and Chouji ditched the orientation and decided to have their own tour of the school just like that. Two hours later, the boys sat down beside the open field in-campus.

“It’s twelve noon and the orientation isn’t finished yet.” Chouji muttered as he laid down on a park bench with his hands behind his head.

“I told you we’d rot in there. I’m glad we skipped out on it.” Shikamaru lazily says while he kicks off some dirt from the ground.

“Hey, Naruto.” Chouji calls.

“Yes?” Naruto replies urgently and energetically. He was playing with the grass while sitting down on the ground.

“Kakashi-sensei was in prison last week. Why?”

“Ohh… Hahaha.” Naruto chuckled and begins a tale of his teacher.



… ehem …

…

You see, last week we went for out dinner. Kakashi-sensei, Iruka-sensei and I went down to Tuechi’s Ramen Ichiraku.

Then Kakashi-sensei had a sudden urge to drink. So we went inside a pub. I said to him, “Uhhh… Kakashi-sensei, I don’t think I’m supposed to be here.”

He then told me that 18 is the new 21 in pubs. So Iruka-sensei ordered a bucket of beer for the two of us, we each had three bottles; while Kakashi-sensei had four glasses of scotch and six shots of a special mix.

I swear, the colors were changing around me. I was easily blinded by light and my head felt heavy, but I still knew what I was doing. Kakashi-sensei on the other hand was drunk. So drunk that he said, “OH MY GAWD! Wait here.”

He then stood up and walked steadily towards a random guy. This dude was short and stout like a cartoon. He had large flabby arms and a pair of very short legs. He also had a scar right across his left eye, like Kakashi-sensei’s.

“Hey dude! I think I know you from somewhere.”

“Excuse me?”

“Goodness!! Now I know!! You tried to kill James Bond!!”

It all went downhill from there.

…

“Haha. That pervert of a teacher seem to like trouble.” Kiba plugs in.

“Oh yeah! We’ll you’re a pervert!” Naruto replies teasingly in defense of his teacher.

“Ha! I bet you don’t even know what that means.” Kiba retaliates and was irritated because of the fact that Naruto called him a pervert.

“I do so.”

“Oh yeah? Define pervert.” Kiba was already grinding his teeth. He always had a short temper.

“You.” Pointing at Kiba with a stupid grin on his face as he jokingly laughs.

“Why you little-” Kiba cocked his arm and was about to launch his fist towards the blonde knucklehead. But as he threw his knuckles, Naruto ducked and ran to the open field with great speed.

Kiba dashed after him with haste. Naruto laughed as he was convinced that Kiba couldn’t possibly catch up with him without the aid of his chakra, boasting to himself. Naruto then remembered that Kiba’s most notable skill was raw speed and could reach near blinding speeds without chakra-enhancement. His face then turned blue in fear.

“How in Hell could I forget that?!” Naruto lectured himself while running.

“What?! I can’t hear you!! Come closer so I can understand!!” Kiba sprints toward the Jinchuriki.

“Fuck you! I wasn’t talking to you!!”

Kiba’s eyes fills with rage. Another insult was taken; he wasn’t going to get away with this. His nostrils flare, his nose crinkles, and he presses his teeth together; exposing his canines. “I’M GONNA GO BAT-SHIT CRAZY ON YOU AND MONKEY POUND YOUR ASS!!!!”

Kiba reaches Naruto in no time and goes for a tackle. Naruto’s reflexes kick in; he jumps and spins around Kiba to avoid contact. At Kiba’s speed, any contact can be very dangerous.

“Easy there, champ! Tame the wolf inside of you!” Naruto mockingly shouts as he lands. As soon as he settled on the ground, he turns around and sprints toward the opposite direction.

“Not till I rip off those whiskers, you stupid little fox!!” Kiba regains his balance in unbelievable time then darts right at Naruto.

“This is going to last awhile isn’t it.” Chouji proclaims as he sits up and opens a bag of potato chips.

“Naruto’s one of the most energetic, and Kiba is one of the fastest. I’ll say half an hour.” Shikamaru smirks and sits down beside Chouji.

Fukuda University, Auditorium; 1:30 pm

“Fuck. This is taking forever.” Sai whined to himself quietly, regretting that he turned down the offer of Naruto to join them.

“Bitch please. At least you have a book to read, we’re stuck here staring at nothing.” Neji responds in frustration because of the agonizing wait, “They have a lot to say about this institution. But would it kill them not to have it reach 4 hours.”

The girls on the other hand haven’t noticed the time at all; they stopped listening 30 minutes in and just started chatting. Then the orientation facilitator got the attention of the crowd.

“As many of you may know, the whole of our team A football team graduated last year. So we had our team B to fill in their shoes. The problem is, now we don’t have a team B for the lower class leagues. So this opening week, the physical education staff is holding try-outs for our team B.”

Half the males in the crowd grew in excitement as they were players from their previous schools and wanted to take part, “Here to talk more about it is our team A coach, Coach Hetoho.”

The crowd once again lost focus. The coach went on talking for five minutes and then hit the topic of available positions.

“But for those of you looking at a starting spot as a Running Back and a Wide Receiver, I’m afraid I have some bad news for you guys. I already found prospects in those positions. I had to send them to our Office of Discipline, caught them breaking a few benches around the open field.”

Sai and the others couldn’t believe what they just heard.

“Uzumaki Naruto and Inuzuka Kiba.”

Sakura rubbed her temples as she thought to herself that the two knuckleheads couldn’t last a week without damaging private property; they can be a handful.

Fukuda University, Office of Discipline; 3:00 pm

“So what would you boys do if I told your parents about the damage you’ve done?” The student moderator asked the duo.

“I’d probably run away into the wilderness and find a pack of wild wolves to raise me.” Kiba responds with a bummed expression on his face, looking on the ground. Ticked off that they have even started studying and still they’re in trouble.

“What the hell are you talking about?!” The moderator asks out of surprise.

“Yeah!” Naruto agrees as he stares at Kiba with enthusiasm, “What if they try to tear you apart?”

“Then you’ll let them,” Kiba points a finger at Naruto, “Because they’re family.”

“That’s just outrageous. If my family tried to do that…” Naruto tries to think of an answer that won’t make the moderator think that he’s a shinobi, “If… If… If my family…” He was lost in words; searching for answer on the ceiling, “If my family tried to do that… I’d probably go to… my room… and play Xbox.”

The student moderator rubbed his forehead and let it slide down his face. He had a feeling these two were going to be regulars in his office.