Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Naruto Drabbles ❯ 8 ( Chapter 8 )

Pairing: Asuma/Kakashi

Prompt: Pain

For: Annamarmacleod

Asuma stepped over the rise of the hill knowing exactly what he was going to see. He stared at the silent figure hunched in the newest section of the graveyard, he walked slowly towards the man, stepping along the pathways set between each of the plain creamy white rectangles bearing the names of the people that had passed. There seemed to be so many more than the last time. He came to a standstill a few paces away from the motionless shinobi, taking in his haggard appearance. His normally bright silvery strands hung limp and dull from lack of washing, his clothes dishevelled and he looked thin as though he hadn't eaten in months.

Asuma knew that the jounin had been forced to eat but the lack of a steady diet made his lean figure drastically thin. He felt his heart clench in his chest at the sight of him and though all he wanted to do was hold him close to his chest and make the world disappear for him he knew it wasn't what he needed. The other man didn't start when he spoke, “Kakashi you've been out here a while hmmm...”

All he got was a nod in return.

Asuma took his hand from his pocket, to rub over the stubble of his beard as he thought over what to say next. He stood only a few moments more before closing the distance to stand beside the tired looking figure of his lover. He had watched Kakashi every day for the past two months, he sat here for hours on end, always vanishing whenever someone approached; he had cut himself off from everyone. Asuma had chosen not to approach hoping that he would come out of this self induced slump, but as the days turned to weeks he could see what the stubborn male nin was doing to himself and he had finally decided that he needed a rather indelicate shove back into life.

Asuma's words soft as he spoke, thoughtful, “You couldn't have changed his fate Kakashi. You know that don't you. You can't change what has passed.” He watched the Kakashi silently, hoping for a response, something.

He stood there for ten minutes before he heard the Copy-nin speak, though he wasn't sure it was him at first. Kakashi voice was hoarse and scratchy for lack of use, but it was the empty quality that had Asuma most concerned, “Yet I am the shinobi of a thousand jutsu's yet I couldn't do anything to help him... to save him.” Asuma heard the sadness and the guilt lacing those words and yet he also felt angry, though he cared for this man he felt the burn of anger in his chest at the thought of the other two shinobi who would be taking this just as hard as the Copy-nin.

He took a steadying breath knowing that growling at the other nin would do little good, he remained standing there trying to decide just what to say, anything to bring Kakashi out of this stupor. Asuma watched as the jounin traced pale fingers across the creamy white stone, seeing those hands tremble he knew how much Kakashi held inside, he had never been one for emotional displays holding a firm grip on the tears he needed to shed. Asuma sighed in response, turning and moving so he was stood behind the other man, he shifted and sat down behind him. Letting his body rest with his back pressed to Kakashi's.

Asuma wanted to offer his lover this small comfort, he could feel the fine tremors coursing through the Copy-nin and as much as he wanted to hold him he couldn't it wouldn't be accepted and it may push him further away. He reached into his pocket, pulling out an old pack of cigarettes and a lighter and proceeded to place the thin white stick between his lips, cupping the small flame to its tip and taking a deep inhale, letting the smoky stress reliever seep past his lips to taint the air with its rich tobacco scent.

Asuma sat there quietly when Kakashi began to speak again, “I wanted to help him, and I should have been able to then and before.”

 

Asuma sighed before responding to Kakashi's words, “Feeling guilty about something you have no control over is pointless. It has passed.”

“But still... I couldn't save him.”

“But you were with him. That means so much more Kakashi. He wasn't alone. He was with one of the few people he could call family.” He could feel the guilt coming off of the Copy-nin in waves and he hated to feel that from his lover. He had suffered far to much over the years.

He could feel Kakashi's shouklders slumping against his own as he spoke, “But I should have...”

Asuma could hear the self deprecation in his lover's voice and it bit at Asuma's control, he didn't want to get angry. It was so rare they had these chances to talk now, “Stop. “ He took a deep steadying breath, inhaling the rich and soothing taste of tobacco before speaking once more, “What did he say before he died?”

“He...he said to tell his Dobe ... thank you.” Asuma could here the deep pauses in Kakashi's words, knowing that each one expressed the struggle the Copy-nin was going through with controlling his emotions.

Asuma gave a sad smile at those words; it was good to know that the young ninja was thinking of those he had left behind. He made a soft enquiry, fearing he knew the answer already, “Did you tell him?”

“I... no...I haven't.” Asuma wanted to hold the jounin pressing against his back, instead he reached out, letting his hand rest atop his lover's giving it a soft squeeze before responding.

He felt Kakashi's weight ease against him further, Kakashi head was now tipped back and resting on his shoulder so he could see the soft silver strands. He turned away from the temptation to reach out and touch them before his words filled the quiet once more, “Maybe you should. You need to see them Kakashi. They're hurting just as much as you. It may comfort them to know he wasn't alone.”

Asuma felt the jounin's head tip back and forth in a nod and they sat there quietly contemplating as they let their bodies ease against each other as they had for so many years.

When Asuma spoke again his words were strangely lighter, reflecting the thoughts running through his mind, “You know I think you're wrong.”

He felt Kakashi's head turn into him then, feeling the cloth covered nose press into his bearded cheek, his words tickling the fine hairs as his mask rasped against them, “What about?”

Asuma smiled at the sensation, remembering many nights like this one, but in far happier times. He shooed the thought away to concentrate on replying to Kakashi's question, “You did save him, you all did. You showed him that no matter what there was someone who cared even when he thought he was alone. His last thoughts were of you all. That means something doesn't it?” He pressed his cheek to those lips, feeling the breath ghosting across his skin.

“Y-yes.” Asuma felt the soft hitch in the Copy-nin's response, knowing that finally he may have broken down the shell the other man had constructed around himself to deal with the pain of his grief.

Asuma's words were soft, almost a whisper but they were filled with warmth, “He died thinking of home.”

He could hear the almost silent sniffle and the trembling of Kakashi's shoulders and he eased back further, turning his face to the side to press the against Kakashi's silky soft hair. He spoke with all the tenderness he felt in that moment, with all the comfort he wanted to give his lonely lover, “You should go and see them.”

Kakashi words mirrored the tender tone but it was laced with a quiet sadness, a breath of longing for something lost, “I miss you.”

Asuma felt his throat close at the sound of those words, the longing he felt in his own heart wanted to reach out and hold the jounin close once more, he voice was thick with the emotions he felt swelling in his chest, “And I you.”

He cleared his throat enough to speak, knowing time was running on and there was somewhere Kakashi needed to be, he took in a deep breath and spoke quietly, “Your needed.”

He felt Kakashi sigh and the trembling slowly eased. Asuma squeezed those fingers one last time and stood, he turned and watched the Copy-nin crouch over the milky white stone, running his fingers over the letters engraved on it, before standing up and nodding subtly, his voice came out far stronger than when he had arrived, “Rest well Sasuke.”

Asuma watched his lover turn and look around the deathly silent cemetery, his gaze lingering on a stone set further back before he whispered, “Thank you love - I'll be seeing you.”

Asuma felt his throat tighten as the Copy-nin walked out into the night, his heart squeezed tight in his chest, there was no breath when he let the air in his lungs go, returning his own words to that departing figure, “But not yet.”