Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Nature Calls ❯ Nature Calls ( Chapter 1 )

I do not own Naruto. The original work and characters are from Masashi Kishimoto. I also get no money for this, just some amusement.

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He couldn’t believe he was doing this.

A sea of young faces that he thought would never grace his class again, as students, stared back at him with boredom and mild confusion. Apparently, the rookie nine didn’t think they would be sitting back in this classroom for lessons either and were none to pleased with this turn of events.

To think that he was chosen to give this lecture. Scratch that. To think that he was ordered by the Hokage to do this was outrageous. Then again, as he stared at the chosen Jounin senseis lined up against the back wall, he could understand why the Third didn’t want these students to get this embarrassing lecture from their team leaders. He was sure that Hatake Kakashi would get great pleasure in making the lecture difficult for his three subordinates.

Honestly, Iruka didn’t know whose reaction he was dreading the most between the students or the Jounins smiling mischievously in the back.

Still wondering what he had done that was so bad in another life that he was still receiving punishment now, Sensei Umino stood up straight and cleared his throat.

“Alright class. Today we have to discuss a very important part of being on a mission, so I’m going to ask that you all remain quiet and raise your hand if you have a question.” Just thinking about the lecture made a light blush dust over his tan cheeks. A reaction he knew the Jounins immediately noticed if the quiet chuckles were anything to go by. Even the little orange book was not out on display today. Apparently his discomfort was more entertaining then written pornography. “Now, the topic of discussion may make you all a little uncomfortable but I’m going to ask that you behave like mature ninjas.”

Well that caught their attention. Even the bored Uchiha was showing interest now. Every curious face got a little more serious, backs a little straighter in their seats. He wished they would just ignore him and sleep like they did before they graduated.

“Now that you have all been assigned a leader your teams will be going on important missions. Keep in mind that you represent Konoha when on these missions so you are to be responsible as to not slander the villages reputation.” A pointed look was thrown at Naruto and Kiba before continuing. “What many of you do not realize is there are certain….” his blush darkened, “needs you will have on missions and I will explain to you a process to make those needs… go easier.”

He had to restrain from groaning when he saw Asuma place a hand over his mouth to keep quiet. The class could still hear his laughter even with his pathetic attempt to hide it. Suddenly every young face was rising in color, poor Hinata looked ready to faint. He was going to ask if she needed a moment when a pale arm was thrust into the air. Closing his eyes for a moment to keep himself calm, Iruka counted to five silently before continuing.

“Yes Sakura.”

“Iruka-sensei, uh.. We had Sexual Education classes already.” The young girl’s skin was quickly blending with her hair as she spoke. Eight adjoining faces all nodded in unison as if to confirm Sakura’s statement. Iruka sighed out loud, almost wishing that Sex Ed was the subject at hand.

“Yes I know you all have had Sexual Education, that was not the ’needs’ I was referring too Sakura.” Not wishing to give her anymore time to question him he continued. “What I am speaking of is the need too…..urinate and defecate while on missions.”

It was like watching a still framed movie. Eight young faces slowly dawned an expression of understanding and then mortification. All faces, even the uptight Neji, were a shade of red darker than Haruno Sakura’s dress. All but one face. That one face looked very confused and Iruka prayed silently that he wouldn’t ask what he was about to ask. Of course, Kami had turned a blind eye to him today because Naruto didn’t even bother with raising his hand.

“Iruka-sensei.. What is defecating?”

Now he was left to wonder how to explain this without putting the room, including the Jounins’ gasping with silent laughter, into a fit of uncontrollable giggles. He was trying to stick to using medical terminology in hopes of saving some dignity. He didn’t think stating ’it means to poop’ was going to gain any respect with the assholes still laughing in the back. Still, he couldn’t very well draw a picture for the blonde.

Thankfully one of the students, sounding suspiciously like Sasuke, saved him the embarrassment.

“It means to piss and shit Dobe.”

Well, certainly not the words he would have used but it worked none the less. Naruto’s face was instantly as red as his classmates. For a much different reason, the Jounins in the back of the class were also sporting red faces. Even Kureni-sensei was flushed red. And was Kakashi wiping his eye?

Iruka glared daggers at all the ungrateful bastards occupying the back of his classroom. You would think they would show some appreciation for his attempt at teaching their teams. Otherwise it would have fallen on to their shoulders as team leaders to have this discussion.

“At some point you will all need to excuse yourselves from your team… Yes Naruto.”

“Are you trying to tell us that there is a special way to shit in the forest?”

“NARUTO WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!”

“Sorry Iruka-sensei. Are you saying there is a special way to take a crap in the forest?”

Slumping his shoulders in defeat, Iruka plopped down in his chair. He was already at his limit and he hadn’t really even gotten into the lecture.

“No Naruto. What I am trying to discuss with you is your diet and what affects it has on your body. I don’t care if you already know about dietary needs miss Haruno.” The pinkette quickly put her hand back down, “Look, there are certain things you can eat that will make your ’private’ time more time consuming and .. Uh….smelly…”

“Oh like boiled eggs?” Oh Kami.

“Yes Naruto and please raise your hand when you want to speak.” At least he didn’t have to give an example now. All of the students were showing mixed expressions of understanding and disgust at Naruto’s outburst.

“As you know, many ninjas have a very sensitive sense of smell.” He just let that hang in the air, not seeing a point in stressing what him meant. “For example, Kakashi-sensei has a very sensitive nose..”

By the looks on Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura’s faces, that was not something he should have pointed out. He could almost see them thinking about their Sensei knowing what they did when the excused themselves from the group. I mean, of course everyone knew why one would leave for privacy but they didn’t truly know. Sakura chanced a glance over at her Sensei who had the gall to give her a happy wave in return. She looked ready to vomit when she turned her attention back to the front of the class.

Somehow Iruka felt he had just given the infamous Copy-nin fodder for amusement on future missions. He felt sorry for those three.

“Its safe to assume enemies have the same keen sense of smell. So its best to be quick and hide the,” what was a good word, “evidence of your presence.” Yes. That seemed efficient. Thankfully Naruto didn’t feel like helping with a “hide our crap” comment. He really just wanted this to end.

At this point in a lesson Iruka would often ask if anyone knew how to solve whatever issue they were discussing. The look on their faces warned him against it. He probably wouldn’t want to hear what ideas they would come up with anyway.

“Your best option is to dig a shallow hole to use as a makeshift bowl and when you finish push the dirt back into the hole. This is good for when your…finished but you are still vulnerable during.”

“Oh I get it.” Kiba said while looking like a man who had just found enlightenment, “So your saying that if we eat the wrong stuff before a mission then when we take a shit its going to stink really bad and can alert enemies.”

Iruka let his face fall forward until his forehead met the desk. He chose to leave it down.

“Please watch your language Kiba but yes, in essence that is what I’m saying.” Without lifting his head, Iruka pointed a finger at a small side table with a stack of papers on it. “Sakura could you please hand out those print outs. It is a list of foods that you should refrain from eating before and during a mission.”

She didn’t look too pleased to be handing out the list of ‘what makes your shit stink’ but she complied with his demand anyway. He waited until her heard her return to her seat before trudging on in his lesson.

“Now, there is also the matter of sanitary procedures once your finished your business.” He heard someone whisper ‘he means wiping your ass’ followed by ‘I know that teme!’ but chose to not comment. “Now ninja have a special type of tissue that is biodegradable. Meaning, you can bury it in the same dirt hole you used and it will eventually disintegrate. Just make sure you get the right kind. Your team leaders can show you the brand.” He smiled to himself. It wasn’t much but at least he can make those cocky Jounins still watching in the back suffer through one moment of awkwardness. “And girls, for your….cycles there is also special women’s products that do the same thing. You can ask your team leaders to show you that too.”

He raised his head off his desk to see every male Jounin sensei blushing and giving him a very furious glare.

Thank Kami for small victories.

“As an important note to all females. It is important that you dig a deeper hole when you are on your cycles as the scent is stronger and will often attract animals as well.” That tid bit of information was apparently too much for the timid Hinata. As soon as Naruto happened to glance around the room, eyes passing over every female, her red face hit the desk. Kurenai stepped forward and picked the unconscious girl up, still giggling to herself, and exited into the hallway. Well that was one less person to ask him questions.

“Okay,.” He dreaded his next sentence, “Does anyone have any questions so far?” He hoped they were still too embarrassed to ask anything. He still needed to go over how far they needed to walk away from their team before doing their business. Not to mention the discussion of where a good place to urinate was when trying to hide ones trail.

Of course Naruto and Kiba’s hands immediately fly up.

“Yes Naruto.”

“What do you do if you run out of that special tissue? Do we use leaves?” Kakashi busted out laughing in the back.

“Forget that Naruto,” Kiba joined in, “What if you have the shits? Or what if you go so much that it fills the hole up? Should we make really big holes?”

Oh Kami….

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