Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ On the Edge ❯ Prologue

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Prologue

"Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning when I wake up, I am reborn." –Mahatma Gandhi

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* 汀, "water's edge/shore"

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Some people say that death is eternal. They believe in an afterlife, in heaven, in hell and they live accordingly. They bind themselves to these vague notions and shape their life.

I wasn't such a person.

Despite my upbringing, I wasn't particularly religious; I'd like to think I would've been classified as agnostic by the norm. Yes, I often pondered about Death, involved myself in philosophical debates but was of the opinion that 'when it comes, it comes and let's leave it at that.' Wasn't I paradoxical?

But then again in my previous world, I wasn't thrown headfirst into battle, into killing for jobs, into mental conditioning of children being killers and assassins. Of being able to mould earth, to control air, to shape water, to electrify lightning, to breathe fire; to be able to walk on trees and buildings and defying laws of gravity as if it doesn't even exist! Or as I would've said in my previous life, to harness 'superpowers'.

Previous world, previous life? What sort of stuff am I blathering about? If I spoke like this I would've been chucked into the loony bin before. But now even faster I'd be left to the tender mercies of the T and I Department or for a mental check to the Yamanaka clan.

Anyways, I have a bone to pick with those 'YOLO' screaming dolts. You Only Live Once? What a joke! If it is not, then why was I born again?

I was a normal teenager. I lived an average lifestyle which any upper-middle-class family lived. I had parents who adored me and whom I loved wholeheartedly in return and a baby brother who annoyed the stuffing out of me yet I'd raze an army for him. I had friends. I was smart not insanely so but better than the rest. I was pretty but conventionally so.

The only thing that might've possibly been different about me is that I obsessed over manga, anime novels and fictional worlds. I loved to write, make new worlds, live in the worlds made by me, or those that were created by someone else and do the impossible. But more than that, I loved to get lost in the endless possibilities in those worlds, in those words.

Ah... Or you'd like to point out; I loved to escape from the reality.

I was a normal teen preparing for med entrance exams. I cracked it, after failing once at that. I got into the best-med colleges my country could offer. All the hard work, cramming, devising new learning tricks paid off.

Failure set me straight on my route; made me focus on my goal. It made me drive for my ambition. I wasn't lost on the road of life anymore as Kaka-sensei would've put it.

I overcame all of them; the loss and setbacks; the anxiety attacks and depression. You could say I came onto myself. I became a self-assured person, a person who stopped doubting and started believing in their own self-worth; a person to be proud of.

Rebirth couldn't crush that self-confidence. I won't deny that it broke me in a way that wasn't possible to repair. I was flawed. But who wouldn't be after losing everyone and everything? I was little insane but all the best people are so! I was bent, cracked but not broken.

There were major hits, punches that almost shattered me beyond the point of oblivion. But I persisted. I did not break. I managed to survive but more importantly to live in this merciless world. Yes, things changed. I became better than before yet worsened in some aspects. My beliefs questioned, my thoughts quizzed but I got through. The centre of my universe was realigned. The one thing that remained constant was my fair gender. I shudder at the mere thought of it...

How did I die, you ask? I wouldn't say it was an ordinary death nor it was a clichéd one. I was satisfied. I think I became worthy of my name. I could bear it pride now that I followed it essentially and quintessentially. What was my name? Neither matters anymore.

I still don't get why I remembered. I might've offended some deity or higher beings but my understanding on 'God' or whatever metaphysical being existed wasn't exactly correct. I have put it mildly. I might've manipulated and slipped through the keys and cogs of time and worlds. I was a little slippery like that.

Like I said don't understand why I was reincarnated. I don't know for sure if it is real though, despite it seeming real enough. I am honestly more self-aware than other people so to speak. Thus I know that my crazy mind could cook up some bizarre things. Ironic since my cooking is terrible. Bad pun, sorry.

How was my rebirth? That I think I can try to answer.

I remembered feeling nothing. I was numb. None of my senses worked. What is happening? Didn't I die? Is it some sort of limbo?

Then I could feel again. It was warm. Warm everywhere; inside me, beside me, around me. It is getting hotter. I am burning. Is this fire? Am I in hell?

Later I'd find out that it was due to my developing chakra coils.

It receded awhile later. I couldn't be more thankful. Now it felt like warm energy enriching me from everywhere. It felt like being doused in a warm bath in winters. Like the sip of bitter hot coffee in harsh cold. Later I'd know it as chakra.

The soft nudges beside me started. The soft crooning voice hummed. The masculine voice murmured nonsensical things but still provided me comfort. It was dark, it was warm. But I started feeling content. It felt like home.

But then it all stopped abruptly. The walls constricted together and lumped me and the nudgy thing together. I couldn't understand what was happening. Then the nudgy thing slipped and all I could feel was panic as the walls started closing on me, choking me. That was the first time in either of my lives that I ever felt claustrophobic. What is happening? Is it my final judgement?

And then there was light and air. I couldn't breathe? Light ? Touch? Please, I need Air! Breathe. Something smacked me on my back and it was like a dam broke. I could breathe again! I started crying, sobbing harshly and wailing loudly. All the terror that I was feeling came out in fits of tears.

I tried to open my eyes but I couldn't see anything properly it was like somebody slipped thick blurry lenses in my eyes.

A baby's ocular system isn't well developed; nor are their auditory and olfactory systems advanced enough to use their senses. But during that time I couldn't think rationally at all. Everything was a jumble of nerves and panic and no, No! What is going on!?

I felt like I was carted around by large hands. All I saw was a yellow blur swiftly placing me next to a red one. Then I felt a nudge. The relief I felt was so immense that I stopped crying immediately.

I don't know what happened but the very next moment I was snatched away and even to my undeveloped ears screams were heard. There was a riot of panic and I was shifted and shuffled around. And then I felt like being choked by the warmth that once again turned into fire. Malicious, evil, rage pain, anger, hurt, stop; Make it stop, please! Then a cold shiver that brought upon the feeling of dying and then everything stopped.

Later I'd understand that it was the murder of my biological parents, the presence of Shinigami and the unsealing and sealing of Kyuubi.

I knew I couldn't possibly be paralysed or brain damaged. My death wouldn't have allowed my body to survive or to be recovered.

I was reborn. It took me awhile to figure it out. You'd think I must've been happy. To get a new chance to do over things, to completely fill an empty slate. Wrong. Because at what cost? Losing everything wasn't worth it for a second chance. At all. Trust me when I say that.

Neither would you understand how I felt as an infant. I was helpless. It was terrifying, horrifying and stupendously frightening. No matter how many adjectives I use I cannot describe it; the sheer helplessness of being carted around. Of being unable to see despite having eyes. Of being hard of hearing; smelling only the basics of fragrances. Of your body not responding to your order; not understanding, not being able to communicate. Of being able to think but your body is unable to sustain those thoughts. The feeling of your muscles lacking coordination; not even twitching.

The nudgy thing which brought me the sense of familiarity and gratifying relief was my twin. When my eyes developed enough to see, the first thing I clearly saw was blonde hair, the same ones I had just seen after my birth and then a smudge of blue where the baby's eyes were supposed to be. My twin was the only thing that anchored me to reality. After all, it was just another cute baby, unknown helpless and adorable. I cuddled with him (which I would come to know afterwards as his gender) often. I played with him, entertained him as I could in my baby body; I was very affectionate with him. He was just an innocent baby; my baby twin. And I had always loved my little brother with everything I had...

I knew I came off as a weird baby. I cried, wailed and sobbed at times and then other times I went completely still. The tantrums were the instincts of the baby body I was inhabiting in face of fear and being shock still was my adult mind screaming weariness and caution. I behaved differently only with my twin, treating everything and everyone with distrust. Later I'd be told that my behaviour was diagnosed as the effect of the Kyuubi's chakra on my system and how due to my own actions I was damn near torn away from my twin brother. And the only reason I was with him was because of The Third Hokage's orders and the wishes of my late biological parents.

It took me a long time to control my actions voluntarily.

Our caretakers were weird men with masks. I often gave into my baby instincts and played with them. After all, I lost all my pride and dignity when others bathed, fed and cleaned my butt what was a little more? They did remove their masks to teach us words.

I tried to understand the spoken language that they spoke. There were similarities. It clicked me as some weird dialect of Japanese. It must've been an ancient one because it had intertwined words; that I could barely recognize from other ancient languages. Our caretakers were very careful with words around us. They spoke as if they were forcing themselves in order that we learn. It was all robotic, like a job instead of happy parents or even babysitters cooing. When my vocal cords developed enough to speak I tried to mimic them often. My baby twin followed me through. I used him to measure my developments just like he relied on me for support and affection. It was hard not to love him. He was bubbly and sweet and such a playful and happy baby. There were times when I felt like I was betraying my younger brother. Shame, how could you? NO! But my brother was always the all encompassing sky giving love to everyone. Guilt ate me. But I had always been selfish. I needed my baby twin to survive...

It took me nearly a year to completely and clearly see. During that one year aside from my twin, the other thing that kept me sane was the warmth. It flowed through everybody. It felt like different colours. Like colours were sounds. It tuned like an orchestra, with varying pitches. I thought I had sound colour synaesthesia. With experience, I'd learn that it was the chakra moving in their bodies, fluctuating due to their emotions and it came to me as easily as it did; I sensed it intensely because I lived a life without it.

The first thing that brought my attention to the world I lived in was familiar in a way I couldn't explain were the weird metal headbands that each of our masked caretakers had. I remember trying to clutch it and them shaking their heads; mouthing Konoha whilst I traced my pudgy fingers through the leaf like structure or was it like a snail?

Contrary to popular belief I did not get it right away. After your death and consequent rebirth no matter how obsessed you were with fandoms they are the last thing you think of. It was when I was trying to sleep, reviewing stories I had loved to divert my attention from the pain and loss I felt though muted within me. It suddenly came crashing down to me. And people wonder why I am teetering on the edge of my sanity or was it reality? Was I swaying between two worlds?

My name is once again justified, isn't it? The edge of sea...

I am Nagisa Uzumaki and this is my story...