Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Secret Love ❯ Truth ( Chapter 10 )

Disclaimer: All original Naruto characters, settings, plot etc. are the property of Masashi Kishimoto. No copyright infringement is intended and I make no profit from this story. …   　 Truth  

“Hey! Sasuke!” I walked faster, through the back and to a table. I cleared their table and left them in silence. Riki was bothering me. He had been trying to speak to me since that night. I’d managed to evade him for two weeks, but it seemed now he was going to push his luck. I mean, any idiot could see that I was not in the mood for these sorts of antics. Perhaps he was brain dead. The alcohol probably rotted it. Or maybe he lost too much blood slitting his wrists. Fucking idiot.

It was as I started at the bar, wiping the counter that he managed to get to me. At first he just stared at me, I suppose he expected me to say something. Tough luck. I continued to ignore him. He could stand there as long as he felt necessary and I would say nothing. I had spoken to nobody these past two weeks. I had not opened my lips to anyone. He was no different.

Pressure on my wrist, however, took me by surprise. I startled backwards, my arm flinching hard and I hit a collection of glasses on a stand. They shattered into pieces on the floor and I turned my glare to Riki. He was staring at me with astonishment. His eyes trailing from my hand to the broken glass on the floor. Eventually he settled on my face, shock clearly written over his face.

“Sasuke…what the fuck?” I continued a level glare, ignoring completely what had just transpired. After a moment I moved to clear the floor but he reached for me again and this time his expression turned serious when I staggered backwards to avoid his touch. I looked out to the tables. There were not many customers, it was nearing closing time. I took a steady breath, calming my nerves before I began walking towards the storage cupboard.

There was not much space and I felt distinctly nauseous at his proximity when he entered. We were an arms length apart. But the men’s toilet would not have been suitable for a conversation - which I intended to take no part in, this was purely to avoid any incidents like this happening again - as the customers could have come through. This cupboard was out of bounds for them.

For a short time there was silence; it seemed he needed a moment to come to terms with my ‘strange’ behaviour. I was not acting strange at all, just not as he had expected, not as he knew me. This was the real me.

“Okay, so…” He started, obviously trying to lighten the atmosphere with a shaky laugh. He was stepping on glass around me. “What happened?” I said nothing and he cleared his throat at my silence. “You know, that night. You can’t avoid me forever. You gotta tell me what happened. Did you…you know?” Again I said nothing. His words meant very little to me. I could not make sense of them.

He sighed. “Come on, you can’t keep this a secret. Something happened right?” I still said nothing, choosing to stare off at something else.

“So…does that mean you didn’t get anywhere…? Man, and I was so sure he was gonna give in. He seemed like he was gonna…I mean, you certainly were very persuasive…” He was looking straight at me, his eyes searching. What on earth was he talking about? I still said nothing. I would not speak.

He huffed, “this is hardly fair. I mean, come on! You have to give me something. You practically, like, you know! You were…and he was! How could you not have done any…anything…?” He trailed off, caught off guard, probably, by my stare.

“Look, airtight, fine, I get it. You’re not going to tell me. Fine. I don’t mind. So just stop ignoring me already.” But I pushed past him quickly, heading straight upstairs and into my kitchen. I poured myself a glass of water and attempted to collect myself. He was trying to corrupt my mind, make me doubt, make me worry. Naruto probably put him up to it. Yes. They were in it together. They had probably planned this for months, a ploy to get to me. It was all a ploy.

The glass broke in my grip and I hissed as it cut me, splinters lodged into my hand. I dropped the rest of the glass into the sink, slowly picking the splinters out carefully before I headed to the drawer to take out a cloth for the blood. My hand paused though , as I wrapped the towel. My eyes fixed on the third drawer down. I never had gotten round to reading the latest letter. I’d completely forgotten about it but…maybe it would have some answers for me. Not that I really cared; it would just be nice to know…why.

It took me no time at all to unravel the letter and I began, my feet leading me into the living area as I read. Naruto,   I don’t know how to begin here. Shizune thinks I should tell you straight, but it isn’t so easy. I hope you did not raise your hopes for Sai, it…really was a hopeless case. I’m sorry. I know you cared for him.   He…certainly had a few problems but he was a decent man, and a great Ninja. He will be missed. Ino is distraught. She has blamed Sakura. There is no proof that this was even set up, let alone for a suspect to have arisen, but there is no changing Ino’s mind. The girls have fought and are both in the hospital.   Do not worry yourself over this though, and try to put it behind you, Naruto. I know it will be hard but it’s what Sai would want. Aijin is missing. His wife came to me and told me of his disappearance this morning. Her behaviour was enough to show that this did not surprise her. She had known how he was prior to all this.   I am very sorry Naruto, I know this will be a loss for you and these things are never easy, but do try to put this behind you. Keep safe.   With deepest regards and love, Tsunade.  

A drip of blood landed on the bottom of the page and I cursed to myself, setting the letter on the table while I retreated to the bathroom, intent on treating my hand.

I had barely begun caring for my broken palm when there came noises from the living area. I unintentionally flinched, though I soon realised it couldn’t be him. He was at the e-e, as I have taken to calling it; the school, for another few hours. He had physical studies now. It couldn’t be him, so who was it? A voice answered my questions soon enough.

“Naruto?! Sasuke?! Anybody home?” It was Mai. I contemplated staying where I was, letting her think she was alone so she would leave. But then I thought better of it. I might as well let her know I was here. So I stepped slightly out of the bathroom, letting my steps sound heavy so she turned to see me. She smiled at me, though it was obvious I was not the one she had been meaning to see.

“Sasuke. Oh. Did you hurt your hand? I’ll just - wait here till you’re finished.” She even sounded uncomfortable. Pity. Though I had avoided her too, for the last few weeks. I wanted to keep as much away from people as I could. Maybe I shouldn’t have shown her I was there. But nevertheless I retreated back to the sink where I continued fixing my hand.

I was almost finished when I heard something from the living room - a sort of thud - and went through to see what had happened. What I saw was not something I could ever have expected. Mai stood stock still against the wall, her body tense and her eyes wide on me. She seemed to hold her breath as she watched me, her palms pressed against the wall. For a moment I’d been confused; what could possibly have raised such a reaction from her. She seemed terrified of me.

It took me only a small time to see my mistake. Naruto’s latest letter didn’t lie on the table any more. It was now on the floor, face down and yet it glared at me harder than anything has before. ‘…a decent man, and a great Ninja.’ The recollection stung me like salt on a wound. She knew. She had read the letter. She had seen. Slowly my eyes drifted back up to hers.

Mai had not moved, not an inch. But tears were an added extra now - shining, shimmering trails down her face. I was at a complete loss. I knew, of course, what I should do; what should not be a problem from me. She knew now. She was a danger to my safety. I should dispose of her. I took a slow step forwards, my hand twitching and my face - I hoped - blank. She screamed shrilly and sank to the floor, covering her face and shaking through her crazed sobs.

How different a person she was now. How one little detail could change someone so completely. How reading just a few words could bring this girl to her knees - a wreck - a pitiful civilian which, I realised now, I had stopped thinking of her. Over time she’d become a person to me, not just a meaningless nobody. Not just one of the crowd. It pained me slightly to see her like this.

The sound of a door closing downstairs had us both turning our heads, our reasons not so entirely different this time. My heart thumped inside me and I automatically took a step back again, clutching my wounded hand to my chest, waiting for the moment he would appear to me. It was getting better. My reactions to him now weren’t what they had been two weeks ago. But there were other things on my mind now.

“Hey Mai!” His voice hollered from below us as feet started on the stairs, “Lusca said you were looking for me - You here?!” He laughed slightly, though it sounded forced to my ears. “I’ve gotta tell you something - See that guy in my physical studies class? God! He is-” I wasn’t looking at him but I could tell he was here now. In the room. All motion had stopped; voice terminated; steps faltered.

It stayed that way for what felt like an eternity; him standing on the stairs looking at her. Eventually his eyes turned to me, sort of questioning, sort of angry. I felt myself shy away from him, closer to the windows. At this his expressions changed and for a second he was nothing but angry. I looked back to Mai. Her back was pressed firmly on the wall, straight and firm but she didn’t look at me any more - now she looked at him.

“Mai…?” He started, “What-” but then he saw, the paper, so innocently sat there on the ground, a small spot of blood on a corner. He didn’t even need to ask. He knew right away what had happened. He obviously didn’t know what to do either, because he came fully up the stairs, intent on starting something, only to stop short and do nothing. The atmosphere threatened to crush me and I wondered if anyone else could feel it, or was it only me?

Every now and again the silence would be broken by a strangled sob or a stifled whine. I quickly grew fed up of her. She was not who I thought she was. I wanted to do it. Get it over with. Kill her and be done with it. But I didn’t move - didn’t dare - while Naruto stood so close, but so far from me.

“Look…” He said after an age, “It isn’t…well it is but…this isn’t…we’re not…” he struggled then - obviously he had figured out that this was indeed what she thought it was and we were indeed what she thought we were and there was no talking a way out of this. But then he did something I never thought him capable of. He moved aside, stepped right out from in front of the stairs and held out the keys for her; the keys to the door; the keys to let her out.

I almost spoke out. What he was doing was ludicrous. She could never keep the secret and there was no way I would jeopardise my life for hers. The Akatsuki may not have been as strong as they once were but we certainly were no match for them in the state we had gotten ourselves. My plan had not included what would happen to our skills after going unused for so long, my plan had merely been to protect ourselves for as long as this threat was imminent. It may have been a few years but my uncle would not have forgiven me. There was no way I would let her walk out of here with my life in her scrawny little hands.

“No.” I said, before she could run, and Mai gasped where she sat and looked straight to me, but that wasn’t what I cared about. Naruto looked at me sharply, his eyes raw with some passion I would never understand.

“What?” He spoke as if he hadn’t heard me, as though I had spoken so silently that nobody on earth had heard me. But as I looked to Mai’s shaking form, the question in her eyes showed that perhaps that wasn’t so far from the truth. If she’d heard me there would have been more screaming.

“You can’t let her go.” This time I knew he heard, his head snapped back like I’d caused him physical pain.

“What?” And this time his question ran so much deeper.

“She’ll get us killed. Is that what you want?” I tried to pull myself together but memories flashed vividly before my eyes and looking him straight in the face grew so much more difficult. Where was my courage, where was my soul? He had not taken everything from me. I would show him I was still stronger than he.

“If you let her walk out of here she will tell everyone. It won’t take long before word reaches the mainland and then - Akatsuki. You can’t let her go.” Was my voice really so weak. I wanted to push conviction. Determination. But I shook more than she did now.

“Okay…”He said slowly, pondering my words. He must have known I was right. “Lets…go take a seat through here…” With slow, deliberate steps he walked to the kitchen door, kneeled down and reached out to Mai. ‘come on’ was all it took for her to follow him. I wondered if I couldn’t be that brave. When I finally went through he had managed to sit her down at the small dining table and, though she still shook she appeared visibly more comfortable. I wasn’t as brave as her, sadly, and I stayed away at the window and the sink, leaned against the counter and watched his moves.

“Well. I suppose I’ll explain then - since Sasuke’s lost his tongue again.” One sharp, angry look was all it took for my little confidence to run out and I turned away from him, looked through the window and listened to him.

He tried to explain our situation, explain that we were ‘good’ ninja and never hurt anyone. But even he had realised when we first adapted here that such words were all lies. It was clear that Naruto was uncomfortable with lying to her. It was also clear that she didn’t believe any of it. Eventually he stopped to ask her what she thought. But she had grown stronger now, she had a resolution, she had realised her fate and was not so afraid any more. I could tell that by her voice alone but what she said - what she said to him was something I’ll never forget.

“Monsters.” Was what she had whispered at first, but she grew louder. “Monsters. That’s what I think of you. You’re a monster. And he’s a monster. Like the devil - your like the devil!” and then she began crying again. It struck me though, the hurt, the feeling, it was not my own pain, not my own hurt, but still it struck me. It beat my heart and pumped my lungs.

My chest froze and burdened - it grew so heavy and I struggled to breath, almost gasping silently in myself. My heart frenzied and tottered to an uneven rhythm, beating out of synch for moments on end. My throat strangled and pressured, I tried to swallow but I couldn’t. My life felt as though it were shattered into a million pieces only to be stitched back together again - sown in all the wrong places.

This time the feeling helped me. The one thing I despised more than almost anything else in my life and it pulled at me, gripped at me hard and fought the pain, the pressure, the searing hurt. It flew through me, lighting me up like a candle in the dark - a glowing warmth that spread into my bones. I felt the tears on my cheeks as he replied.

“…Oh. Okay.” I almost burst then, my breath came in shaky puffs as I tried to control myself. Monster. Monster she’d called him. That bitch. What did she know. Anger pulsed from my very being and I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to tear her to pieces. What did she know!

“Em…Okay.” I could hear it in his voice, the same thing inside of me. That very same pain, that very same hurt, striking him, beating his heart and pumping his lungs. I could hear it. He had really liked her. She had been his friend. He had loved her. She had betrayed him.

I barely realised there was someone behind me until I felt him touch my arm. I’d never moved so fast here. I’d never moved with such urgency. The knife in the sink, wet with water and soap suds was in my hand faster than lightening and it was against his neck, pressing, cutting before he even realised.

He stared at me. I stared at his neck - the blade piercing his neck slightly, drawing blood. “Don’t touch me!” I whispered frantically, but even to my own ears it sounded hysterical. The tears were still in my eyes, still staining my cheeks. I felt so small. I hadn’t even realised when he’d grown taller then me. I’d been aware of it - of course - but never so aware as I was now. I felt like he towered over me. I felt like he was standing on me, pushing me down, crushing my very soul. I couldn’t meet his eyes. I wanted to look but I couldn’t, I was too panicked. The knife shook and I watched the blood ooze down his collar bone and into his clothing.

“Right.” His voice was angry, violently so and I was all the more glad I couldn’t look into his eyes. I had never heard him speak like that. Speak to me like I was the dirt on the bottom of his shoe. “But can I get the keys.” I almost started to cry then, when I risked a look back at the counter, for the keys lay there, so innocently, so neatly thrown. I hadn’t seen him put them down. I hadn’t been in the room when he had. I’d been too much inside my own head to see the reality. His hand was poised in their direction, his fingers stretched to touch them.

Degraded to a level I’d never felt before, I removed the knife and watched him leave with Mai, her hand in his. She looked as though she was preparing herself for a swift death but I knew he wouldn’t kill her. He’d let her go. He’d kill us. I couldn’t move to stop him. The look he gave me as he left the kitchen froze my insides to stone, made me feel hollow inside to such a degree that I felt like cowering in the corner for all of eternity. I felt like seeking out Akatsuki myself and having them rid me of this curse called life once and for all. As it was I stood stock still and waited for his return.

I had to wait longer than I’d anticipated. It must have been hours before he returned up the stairs and turned into the kitchen. Surprise shone from his eyes - he hadn’t expected me not to have moved - not to have run from him. He came towards me briefly, slowly as though I would crumble had his steps been heavier, but then turned and sat at the table. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to face him across a hard, cold table. But in the end I had no choice; I felt tired and weary and wanted nothing more than to curl up and sleep. In my fatigue I went to him. I sat down at the table and waited for him to say something.

The first thing he said was my name, looking at me like a lost puppy again. He put his hand over his face - who was hiding now - and spoke my name several times before sighing and resting his head on the surface.

“You’re driving me mad, Sasuke.” was the first real thing he said to me. I was driving him mad. I may have laughed had I not been so caught with him. “You’re driving me mad.” I didn’t say anything to him. I didn’t know what to say. I could barely believe what was happening. Was he trying to turn this on me? Was he trying to say I was to blame? I had done nothing to him. I had done nothing. It wasn’t fair to look at me like that.

“Sasuke. Tell me what’s going on with you. I get that you might be a little…um…what’s the word…unsettled, about what we did, but I never thought you’d do this to me! What’s the matter with you!” He raised his hands and waved them in my direction - like he was frustrated. I flinched away and pushed into my chair. His expression changed and I thought he looked so angry, so violently angry again that I felt myself tremble. Trying to stop the tremors only seemed to increase them and so I could not win. Naruto’s wide eyes turned away from me and his hand covered his mouth. He changed the subject.

“Mai won’t tell anyone, don’t worry. I explained some more - told her the whole story and she said she’d need time to adjust but otherwise would tell nobody. So you don’t have to worry, we’re safe.” If he expected me to answer he didn’t show any disappointment when I stayed silent.

“It’s going to be Christmas soon. Remember last year? Last year was cool. I’ve never had anyone to spend Christmas with…I thought you weren’t much company last year but I think I regret that thought now. There’s nothing like the feeling of loneliness when someone is sitting right in front of you.” I couldn’t say anything. What did he want me to say; ‘sorry I’m making your life so shit, even though you…you…!’ No. I would stay silent.

“Talk to me!” He exploded suddenly and stood. I stood too and clambered around the chair to put more distance between us. “Would you just speak! Tell me what the hell I did wrong! How can I make it up to you if I have no idea what’s going on in your head!” He followed me around the table and my back touched the wall. He continued towards me. I had to make him stop. I couldn’t let him come any closer or I’d lose my mind.

“No!” The outburst did indeed make him stop and I was satisfied for the moment in that, but one look at his face and I realised I’d need more than that to keep him off me. “Just! Don’t come near me. You…can’t come near me, please.” So now I was begging. I’d never felt so humiliated, so brought down. I’d never begged for anything but I knew I stood no chance against him. The nervous wreck he’d turned me into was not something that could fight him off.

He looked a little startled, but put his hands out on front of him as if to tell me he wouldn’t hurt me. I felt myself shudder a laugh; he already had. “Why?” He said and I couldn’t answer, I couldn’t bring myself to say it when he looked at me like that; as if he genuinely had no idea what he’d done to me.

“Why don’t you want me near you…? We don’t…” He faltered slightly, looked to the grown and his skin grew darker, “we don’t have to do anything like that again, you know. It can just be a one-off if that’s what you want - if that’ll make you happy.” Was he talking about that night…really? He was saying he wouldn’t take advantage of me…in a way that seemed to put me at blame again. Happy…? Why on earth would anybody be happy at the thought of being raped.

He seemed to sense my confusion and sighed. “Okay. I don’t know what to say to you.” The sentence radiated finality, but he wasn’t done yet. He was growing frustrated again, I could see it in his frown. “God! I wish that night had never even happened! If I’d known then that this was what it would bring I would have fought harder to resist you!” I wished that too. I wished it had never happened. But what could I do now - what could he do? There was no changing the past. What was done was done.

Something in my face confused him and he reached out to me, eyes widening and hand retracting at my flinch. He spoke my name. But I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t see. I wanted to sleep. I was so tired. “Why?” I asked him now. The answer might have seemed obvious but not to me. I always thought I knew him so well. I’d always thought that. But I didn’t know him like I thought I did. He was a different person.

“Why what?” He said and looked earnestly puzzled for a few moments before his eyes widened and his frown depended. A deep feeling of foreboding settled inside me and suddenly I didn’t want him to look at me any more. I wanted to run to the bathroom and lock myself away. I felt as though something was wrong - very wrong. I felt as though perhaps I was to blame. For the very first time since that night I had doubts. What if…

“Sasuke.” He took a step back from me and the expression on his face. The expression on his face was one I had never seen before; such shock, such utter disbelief. His mouth opened but no words came from him. And suddenly I knew. In that tiny instant I knew I had made a very big mistake. Riki’s words made sudden sense to me, everything made sudden sense to me and I wanted to dig and hole - dig a hole and hide in it forever. I’d made such a mistake.

“Sasuke…? What - what do you remember - Sasuke…?” I couldn’t look at him for an entirely different reason. Ashamed beyond belief - of course I’d thought I knew him. I did know him. It was myself whom I had no control over, no sense of wants or needs. I’d never thought until that night. I could remember things now - things I’d tried to forget, or perhaps that was just an easier way to deal with it. Pretend it wasn’t there. Force the blame onto anyone else. My fear had felt so real. My panic so forceful. But it was not real. It was a figment of my imagination.

He had not forced me to do anything that night. More like - I had forced him, almost. I had been on him since the moment I entered the house. I could remember now; the bits and pieces that had escaped me before. I remember Riki’s idea to sneak home, quietly, undetected. I had burst through the front door screaming Naruto’s name. Riki had slapped his hand to his forehead and laughed at me. Naruto had come running - running to help me. God I felt like such an asshole.

I had leaped on him, attached myself to him in the most embarrassing ways possible. Riki had been there! He’d been standing right there while I had…! I was thankful Naruto had tried to control me, force me to leave his body alone. But it was when he saw my wrist, where I’d dragged a razor along foolishly that night, that things turned difficult. Riki had left and Naruto had tried to get me to bed. He had been angry at me but I had not stopped clinging to him, pulling at him. I had fallen a few times from his attempts to get me off him. They had been futile however, as he always rushed to help me back up and then I was on him again; lips….hands….

Eventually I think he just gave up and gave in to my begging. I had wanted him to help me - but not in the way I’d first imagined. I had wanted him to take me. I had wanted him to help me find release. To think of it now pained me. What a mistake I’d made. I could barely contemplate my reasons for initiating such things, only that I had initiated them. It had been me all along. This was not Naruto’s fault. Looking at his face now I wished so dreadfully that I’d remembered sooner, because now I feared he knew. Knew what I’d thought of him. Would he ever forgive me?

“Naruto…” His face changed and suddenly he didn’t look quite as wounded, he seemed almost pleased as he looked at me. I wanted to make things right. “Naruto. I…I apologise for my behaviour these past few weeks. I was not myself and…and I…” I was at a lose for what to say, how many times was this going to happen to me, but before I could say anything more Naruto had his arms pressed around me. He held me tight and apologised, again and again but no matter how many times I tried to get him to stop he wouldn’t.

I felt insanely guilty, knowing the man Naruto was he would not let this go so easily - he would blame himself now, entirely. How the situation had reversed. I felt stiff and awkward in his arms but he didn’t seem to notice and we stood there, like that, for a long time. Him whispering apologise and squeezing me tightly, me trying to persuade him of his own innocence in the matter while I was crushed against his chest.

But I felt lighter. I felt so much lighter, and while his face was pressed into my neck and I looked out onto the trees through the window, I felt my lips twitch into a smile, a relaxed, free, satisfied smile.

　 …  

I’m not sure if I dragged on a bit here. I didn’t want to but at the same time I wanted to portray Sasuke’s mind clearly. He’d a little insane hehe well, not really, he has been through a lot so I guess we should forgive him!

Hope you enjoyed though!

Xx..xX