Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Shotaiken ❯ A Try At Acceptance ( Chapter 2 )

A/N: I haven't forgotten about this. I've just been distracted. Gotta go where the muses tell me to, ya know. Thanks everyone for the great reviews and reminder emails. ^__^ I do very much appreciate them and hope to not take as long with the next chapter.

 

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, and unfortunately, that includes Kakashi's sexy ass.

 

Shotaiken

Chapter 2: A Try at Acceptance

 

 

“A shinobi must keep emotions on the inside no matter what the situation. You must make the mission top priority, and you must possess a heart that never shows tears.” - shinobi saying #25

 

 

Sakura awoke to the churning of her stomach, the aching of her head, and the stinging of her eyes. Sweat was pouring out of her, and the room felt like it had turned on its axis and was spinning out of control.

 

She didn't make it to the bathroom before her stomach began emptying itself.

 

When it was over, as she was hovering shakily over the bathroom sink rinsing her mouth out, she flooded her body with healing chakra to stave off the next wave of nausea she felt coming. Or tried to anyway. The chakra just wasn't behaving the way it normally did. It took a few minutes, but eventually she felt…well, not okay, but at least she wasn't going to erupt into a spewing mess again. She grabbed some towels and went back to her room.

 

Sakura had to turn the light on to see and for the first time noticed the sun had set while she was sleeping. “How long was I out?” she wondered aloud as she dropped the towels over the mess, content just to let them soak it up for the time being, and made her way to the window. The sky still had a few pink-tinted clouds scattered among the couple of stars that were beginning to appear. Normally, she'd be eating around this time.

 

Inner Sakura snorted derisively. `I'm not eating anything tonight!'

 

She walked back over to the vomit-soaked towels and with a foot, slid them around to clean up the stray drops that had been missed before bending over to pick them up. The smell that wafted up with them was almost enough to make her start gagging all over again.

 

“Oh no,” she groaned, taking a deep breath, and quickly carried the towels at arm's length to the bathroom. After dropping them in the sink to be dealt with later, she grabbed the air freshener and sprayed it generously all over her room. The floor really needed to be mopped, but feeling the way she did, she decided that it, too, could wait until later. Or tomorrow. Whatever.

 

Sakura felt drained both physically and emotionally. Numb. She lied back down on the futon and allowed her thoughts to drift back over the past twelve hours.

 

`This…' sucks, Inner Sakura finished, `but it isn't the end of the world. No one's going to die, we're not going to war. And Tsunade-sama really is trying to help me.'

 

Rationalizing away her worries probably wasn't the best way to tackle things - she was quite justified in being pissed off actually - but it did help, albeit marginally. The urge to cry was no longer there at least. The situation itself still angered her to no end, though.

 

`I really am just a tool of the village. We all are.'

 

She sighed. That certainly wasn't news to her - Kakashi himself had told them as much that day at the graves of Zabuza and the masked boy - but being slapped in the face with this new qualifier just reinforced the fact.

 

“Kakashi-sensei,” she groaned, remembering their conversation at the pub. “Of all the things that could've happened…” Her head fell into her hands as she shook it in disbelief.

 

“He knows! He knows all of it. I showed him the scroll. I told him…” Her eyes grew incredibly wide as she replayed the events in her head. “I told him I'd considered him!! Which means he knows that I had thought about him like that. At least long enough to consider.” The room spun, and she thought for a moment she might throw up again.

 

Two deep, cleansing breaths later, Sakura's body was back under control, and she was back to her tirade.

 

“What am I supposed to say next time I see him? `Oh hey, sorry `bout that day at the pub, but at least I didn't try to jump you!' Yeah, that'd go over really well,” she snorted. “Oh no. And then I whined, whined like a little kid. He'll never take me seriously as a shinobi now.”

 

Again, she was forced to take several deep breaths to keep herself from hyperventilating.

 

“Okay. He didn't freak out on me. That's a good thing, right? He did seem a little uncomfortable, but I would hope that would make him uncomfortable! Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe he'll act like nothing ever happened. I was drunk after all. I can't be held too responsible, right?”

 

She was trying so very hard to convince herself, but sadly, her denial just wasn't as strong as her common sense.

 

“Ugh, maybe I should just avoid him for another couple of years. Hopefully he'll have forgotten about it by then.”

 

Sakura closed her eyes and began rubbing her temples.

 

“Freaking out isn't helping anything right now,” she told herself. “It's Kakashi-sensei, for crying out loud! He reads hentai walking through town. I'm sure stranger things have happened to him than last night. Besides, he didn't really seem upset once I explained things. And he was rather matter-of-fact about my… task.”

 

Her face fell at that. Apparently it was nothing out of the ordinary for teenage girls to serve their village that way. Sakura's thoughts turned to the kunoichi in Konoha. There weren't as many as the male shinobi, but there were still a fair number of them.

 

Tsunade-sama, Shizune-san, Kurenai-sensei, and Anko-san were all jounin. It was safe to say they'd all been through it, along with many, many others, and yet, they were proud to be shinobi. They didn't quit over the few distasteful areas that came with that title.

 

Sakura sighed as she stared up at the ceiling, having the distinct feeling that this was one of those moments she'd heard people talk about. “`Life moves ahead whether you want it to or not. The least you can do is take charge and make things happen the way you want instead of sitting back pretending that life isn't happening to you.' Was this what you had in mind when we had that talk, dad?” she asked the air around her with a sarcastic laugh.

 

Her eyes then shifted, settling on the picture of team seven on her nightstand. Her teammates were scowling at each other as they almost always did. One had gone to a madman for power, while the other trained to bring him back despite the fact that Sasuke had almost killed him.

 

“We lost our innocence some time ago, didn't we?”

 

A sad smile graced her lips as she ran her thumb over the frame before reaching over to her bag. Sakura pulled out the scroll Tsunade had given her and with one last sigh, began looking over its contents.

 

`Whoa! Kakashi-sensei was right. It really is detailed!' A blush crept across the tops of her cheeks as she continued to read. Could she really do that? Yes, she decided with a resolution she didn't quite feel, she would.

 

Her mind began to drift from the contents of the scroll to the males in her life. Someone was going to have to fill this particular roll with her. It was time to try a few out mentally, she supposed, grimacing slightly.

 

Sasuke was gone. “Not that I really had a chance in hell of that happening anyway,” she snorted. “If it were for the sake of a mission, though…” No, she scolded herself. There was no point in thinking like that. He defected; it was possible she might never see him again.

 

“Besides, the last time I saw him, I declared my love for him, and he said, `Thank you,' and left me unconscious on a bench. Thank you?! What the hell kind of reply is that anyway?” she grumbled.

 

Naruto - and the idea of being intimate with him was still not one she really liked, but at least she trusted him not to hurt her or be a dick afterwards or anything - was still training with Jiraiya-sama. No one knew when they'd be returning. Not to mention the fact that she knew he had some sort of feelings for her. It would be unfair for her to ask that of him, getting his hopes up in the process, when she didn't want a relationship from him.

 

“Again, not here,” she growled to herself. “Let's move along to some actual choices, shall we?”

 

Shikamaru, and he… well, he was next on the list anyway, since they crossed paths rather often at Hokage tower and had developed a bit of a rapport in the past couple of years. The problem was that he was sort of but not really attached to the fearsome kunoichi from the sand village. `Who is already a jounin,' her brain added. It was likely he'd been a guinea pig of sorts already, but yeah, maybe taken. Hmm.

 

The other boys she had gone to the academy with she didn't really have feelings for one way or the other. Sure, they weren't total strangers, but they were little more than acquaintances. As far as she was concerned, they barely ranked higher than strangers.

 

Sakura almost mourned the fact that she'd never had the chance to get to know Hyuuga Neji, because he was just as hot as Sasuke-kun. Oh, yeah! Inner Sakura whole-heartedly agreed. Though she was regretful to admit there was something mildly disconcerting about the white-eyed genius. Like the fact that he can see parts of you you'll never see, and he doesn't have to take your clothes off to do it? Inner Sakura added. Yeah, that.

 

Lee? No. Not a chance in HELL. He was very sweet and caring and chivalrous and trustworthy and everything she should want in a candidate. Unfortunately, she might be able to ignore his eccentricities enough to return his friendship, but she wasn't about to get within 100 meters of him without his horrible, green jumpsuit on. It had nothing to do with his looks either. It came down to the fact that his level of devotion downright scared her. She had the sinking suspicion that if she were to proposition him, the first thing he'd do would be to run and ask her parents for permission to marry her. And that was the last thing she wanted to be thinking about right now, she decided with a shudder.

 

And Kakashi-sensei. “I can't believe I told him I'd considered him!” The idea made her want to implode. “I am never drinking again. Ever.”

 

Her thoughts stayed on him, though. What she'd said was true. She was comfortable with him, and interestingly enough could see herself doing this with him. The idea almost made her laugh at the same time. It was so weird. She was just a little girl to him, and really, age differences usually freaked her out something fierce. But there was just something different about it when it came to him. Maybe it was his slouch and his lazy, aloof demeanor in non-battle situations or the fact that other than his extensive fighting experience, he didn't really feel much older than herself. Well, most of the time anyway, she thought, admitting that even he had his moments. Maturity truly was an interesting thing.

 

And maybe, just maybe, it had a tiny bit to do with the way he was a lean and graceful man of few words, just like a certain someone she could name. `Hmm, maybe that's just the type of guy I go for,' she wondered before quickly shaking her head of the thought.

 

But it was hard to ignore the nagging inner voice that kept insisting that really, considering the purpose of all this, did any of that matter? She wasn't looking for a boyfriend - try as she might, she wasn't quite ready to let go of Sasuke just yet - just someone to help her take the next step of her training and not turn into a slobbering stalker afterwards. Who would be better suited for such a task than her emotionally-detached, previous sensei?

 

Who happens to be the biggest pervert in all of Konoha, Inner Sakura added enthusiastically. You know he could show you things that Tsunade-sama wouldn't dare put in that scroll! Sakura blushed again.

 

`Okay, this is totally warped,' she admonished. `I shouldn't even be thinking about him. I need to find someone who's actually willing.'

 

But again, she was right back where she started. She could easily find someone willing, but there were only a small handful of people she'd be comfortable enough with to even ask to do such a thing, only two of which were currently residing in Konoha.

 

Sighing, she considered Shikamaru again. If he and Temari were only casually seeing each other, would the fan-wielding kunoichi still try to kill her? Were they even seeing each other? It was just a rumor after all. If so, would he be willing to keep it from the deadly blonde?

 

She groaned. No, she would most definitely not ask him to cheat on his girlfriend and keep it from her. She wasn't that selfish. But if they weren't seeing each other… She made a mental note to be nosy and find out.

 

~*~

 

The next morning, after she finished cleaning the messes she left in her bedroom and the bathroom that is, Sakura reported as usual to the Hokage's office for training and to `help out as needed' as Tsunade had once described. It wasn't as bad as it sounded really. Most of it was just organizing and paperwork, but occasionally, she got to assist with surgeries at the hospital. True, it was actually part of her training, but it was a hell of a lot better than practicing on fish or healing surface wounds.

 

Reaching her destination, she found the blonde at her desk nursing a nasty hangover. For a fleeting moment, Sakura wondered if it was the result of their meeting the day before. The idea was rather endearing, but then logic slapped her upside the head, making her snort inwardly. Since when did Tsunade-sama need a reason to drink?

 

“Morning,” she greeted softly as she made her way to the desk at the far end of the office. “What did you want me to start on first today?”

 

Tsunade forced a smile and pointed to a stack of scrolls on a nearby table. “I have some new surgical techniques I want you to read up on, so you can start practicing them tomorrow.”

 

Sakura couldn't help but smile. “I'll get right on it,” she replied excitedly as she began to gather up the scrolls intent on taking them to the unused office around the corner that she'd unofficially claimed as the Haruno Sakura study area. It worked out good really, since she technically didn't have clearance to be privy to most of the Hokage's meetings but also didn't have to go all the way home only to come trudging all the way back each time she got stuck on something.

 

Sakura was almost to the door when, as an afterthought (or so she hoped it appeared anyway,) she turned and asked, “Oh, Tsunade-sama, is Shikamaru expected to stop by for mission assignment today?”

 

The Hokage looked at her intently, and Sakura wondered if it was because she was digging into village business or if the blonde already suspected her motives. “He is,” she finally answered in a bland tone.

 

“Oh, good. Would you mind sending him down the hall afterward? I need to speak to him.” She tried to be nonchalant about it. `Don't fidget and don't look away, damn it!' her mind screamed, but it was hard to stand up to Tsunade's scrutiny. She was made Hokage for a reason, after all.

 

Luckily, she didn't have to wait long. The older woman rested her chin on her interlaced hands and, with raised brow, replied simply, “As you wish.”

 

And with that, Sakura slinked off before her mentor could ask her any questions she probably already knew the answers to.

 

~*~

 

A few hours later found Sakura elbow-deep in scrolls with the eraser end of a pencil in her mouth as she tried to recall the sequence of steps to repairing a punctured lung when Shikamaru appeared in the doorway.

 

“You wanted to see me?”

 

She jumped and disrupted the balance of some of the scrolls on the table, sending a few of them crashing to the floor.

 

“Shikamaru! You startled me,” she laughed nervously, hiding the chewed up pencil amongst the rest of the clutter.

 

“Sorry. Guess I could've knocked, but the door was wide open,” he said, nodding toward the door in question; his expression told her he thought the idea was clearly troublesome. “What's going on?”

 

“Oh. I'm just doing a little reading.” She tried to smile; this was perpetually bored, old-man-in-a-teenager's-body Shika. They'd had dozens of conversations just like this. There was no reason for this one to feel different. It shouldn't feel different. Why did it have to feel different?

 

“A little?” he asked, eyeing the mess on the table before him.

 

Sakura shrugged awkwardly.

 

“So…” he drawled and rocked back and forth on his heels, hands stuffed in his pockets. “You need me for something?”

 

“Oh!” she exclaimed, suddenly realizing why he was looking at her expectantly. “Um. No, not really. I was just wondering if you would mind having lunch with me?”

 

He shrugged. “Can you go now? I have to be somewhere in an hour.”

 

“Sure, just let me pick things up first.”

 

A few minutes later, the pair was sitting side by side at a food stand a few blocks away.

 

“So, how've you been? I haven't seen you around lately,” Sakura asked before taking a bite of her rice.

 

“Well, they keep me busy with missions most of the time.”

 

“Yeah, Tsunade-sama's a slave driver. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I had a whole weekend off,” she commented before taking another bite. It wasn't an entire truth, but it was close enough. Burying herself in work hadn't helped her forget that her teammates were gone unfortunately. She squashed the thought and, getting back to the conversation, swallowed nervously. `I'd be a terrible ninja if let this opportunity pass,' she told herself. `Just ask. Get it out and over with.' She took a deep breath. “Soooo, if you're gone so much, I guess that doesn't leave much time for you and Temari-san, huh?”

 

He gave her a sideways glance before answering. “She's not my girlfriend.”

 

`Oooh, so far so good.' Inner Sakura was thrusting her fist in the air and yelling, Score! “I didn't say she was, but you guys seem to be together anytime she comes to Konoha which is quite often, I've noticed,” she replied with a devious smile. “Come on. You can tell me. She's after you, right?”

 

“Gossip? Sakura, I thought you'd be above that.” She was very thankful his voice sounded amused instead of annoyed.

 

“Phooey, it's not gossip when it's from the source! Besides, I'm not like Ino-pig who'd spread it all over the village in an hour. I was just curious.” She mentally patted herself on the back for making it sound so inconsequential. `Now if he'll just talk for once without me having to drag it out of him.'

 

He lazily took another bite of his food before finally giving her some sort of an answer. “It's…. complicated. When she's here, she wants to spend time with me, but we're not really together.”

 

“Except when you are?” Sakura supplied, trying to grasp what he meant.

 

Shikamaru nodded. “It's too troublesome to try to categorize.”

 

“Yeah,” she agreed as she stared down at her plate. It really wasn't making a lot of sense to her yet. It sounded casual, but there was something in the way he spoke of it that...

 

“So why'd you really ask me to lunch?” His direct question interrupted her thoughts, and Sakura found herself unable to come up with a lie, instead responding with the first thing that came to mind.

 

“What?”

 

“You could've found all that out from Ino, so why come to me when we've never been particularly close?”

 

`Because this is hard enough without being subjected to her teasing,' her mind answered. He was watching her again, and she had the distinct feeling he was analyzing every little twitch. It made her wish she could just disappear into the background. Sakura instead waved a hand dismissively and hoped he'd buy her response.

 

“Bah! You know how she is. She'd just tell me some wild story. I mean, have you heard some of the rumors going around? Some of them are quite colorful, and I don't doubt she started half of them just to annoy you,” she chuckled.

 

Shikamaru gave her a bored look. “Troublesome is the word I'd use, but yes. And it's hard not to notice when everyone you know brings them up at every chance.”

 

Sakura winced. “Sorry,” she replied, giving him an apologetic look.

 

He shrugged and made a noncommittal noise. “I suppose it's natural that everyone finds it amusing. Luckily, Temari does, too.”

 

“Oh yeah? Which one's her favorite? Mine was the one where she threatened those girls in the bathroom during the last chuunin exam when she overheard them talking about you.” Sakura grinned widely over her chopsticks.

 

“Hn,” Shikamaru nodded. He looked at her a moment as if deciding something before he picked up another bite of food. “That one actually happened.”

 

Having no response for that, Sakura let an uncomfortable silence settle between them as she instead focused her attention on her food.

 

“Have you heard from Naruto lately?” he finally asked. She was thankful for the subject change, although a better subject would've been nice.

 

“No,” she sighed as her shoulders slumped slightly. “He wrote me once. About a year ago.” Smiling to herself, she shook her head. “It was little more than him griping about how much worse the `perverted hermit' was than Kakashi-sensei.”

 

“That sounds about right,” he replied with an almost-amused snort.

 

“Yeah.” She smiled at the thought of her noisy teammate making a nuisance of himself when he felt neglected. She hated to admit just how much she missed that.

 

Silence fell between them once again, but this time it was a more companionable one.

 

~*~

 

As she headed back toward Hokage tower after Shikamaru excused himself on the grounds of needing to go to some `troublesome thing,' Sakura mentally ran through her options once again. `Shika's a big NO!' she thought with a frown. Best case scenario was that Temari liked screwing with people's heads thereby fueling the active rumor flames. It wasn't a situation the pink-haired kunoichi wanted to come anywhere near. And that's not even bothering to consider the worst case scenario which was just as bad as she imagined it could be.

 

That meant her only options were the boys she didn't really know all that well. She sighed as she kicked a rock and winced when it lodged in the side of a nearby building.

 

Neji was about as approachable as…. Well, she couldn't quite figure out what to liken his demeanor to. Shino was just creepy. Kiba… Kiba had that wild, hyperactive nature that kind of reminded her of Naruto. She grinned slightly at the thought.

 

Kiba, she decided, was a feasible option. Akamaru was going to have to stay outside, though!

 

~*~

 

Sakura was once again elbow-deep in medical scrolls in the spare office down the hall from the Hokage when another visitor surprised her. This one, however, she had not been expecting. Nor was it anyone she wanted to see at that point.

 

“Kakashi-sensei, what brings you here?” Outwardly, she only looked slightly uncomfortable. Inner Sakura was having a mild panic attack, though. Too soon, too soon. Ack! Be cool, damn it!

 

“Well, I saw this cute little mouse scurrying down the hall, and I followed it here.”

 

`Ah, this old game,' she thought fondly, finding herself wanting to cling to its familiarity in this long day of weirdness. It didn't stop her from rolling her eyes, though. “I didn't fall for your lame excuses even when I was twelve, you know.”

 

“Ah, yes. But it was so much fun to tease the three of you.”

 

She knew he was smiling. Her only response was to make a face as he took a seat across from her. Sadistic freak, Inner Sakura huffed.

 

Slowly, his smile faded, and she found herself once again on the receiving end of a long, searching gaze. And really, she'd had enough of them for one day. It immediately put her on the defensive.

 

“Are you okay?” he finally asked.

 

“Fine. I slept it off,” Sakura answered flippantly, and Kakashi watched her another moment. She met his gaze unflinchingly; irritability had a way of boosting courage after all. He then seemingly accepted that this was the only answer he was going to receive, and with a quick nod and a wave, he was gone.

 

Sakura buried her face in her hands and exhaled loudly. `What the hell was that?' her mind screamed. `For Kakashi-sensei of all people to go out of his way to check on me like I'm some little child…' It made her mind spin momentarily. `I am the Hokage's apprentice. I'm not going to break just because my job got a little more complicated!'

 

She felt her resolution harden into something she hadn't quite felt before, not even when she vowed to help Naruto bring Sasuke back. Sure, she'd meant the words, but she could never completely rid herself of that tiny shred of doubt unfortunately. But this… This was something all her own with no outside variables to get in her way. She would see this through to the end; Haruno Sakura was a kunoichi, and she was damn well going to prove it to everyone!

 

~*~

 

TBC