Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Undercover Paradise ❯ Chapter 1
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: DamnedestCreature 
Orochimaru and Kabuto Pedophiles?
Anime/Manga: Naruto Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Adventure / Action | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 04.17.2005 | Pages: 3 | Words: 2.5K | Visits: 784 | Status: Completed
Orochimaru and Kabuto Pedophiles?
Anime/Manga: Naruto Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Adventure / Action | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 04.17.2005 | Pages: 3 | Words: 2.5K | Visits: 784 | Status: Completed
"Hello everyone out there in fire country. I'm your host Haruno Sakura and this undercover...eh-em paradise..." Sakura glares at Kakashi holding up the cue cards.
"Eh-em well...today's story features a truly evil dude. Yes, folks it's Orochimaru. Evil music We have shinobi's undercover to bring you the real story behind the pale snake obsessed madman himself. Play the footage."
"Thanks Sakura-chan.
(fake smile)
“I'm Uzumaki Naruto and we are here at Orochimaru's actual..."Lair".”
(Shivers)
“I know kind of lacks the spooky effects huh?"
Flashes to a white house with powder blue shudders and a pink picket fence. Not to mention the flamingoes.
"It seems he's changed his residence to better accommodate his real passion. Which is why me and my partner here are also dressed as "school boys". You take it from here."
"Hello all I'm Uchiha Sasuke and with this hidden camera in our breast pockets we'll catch the whole ordeal. Oh yes you may ask is this legal or even safe. Of course it's not but we're thirteen year old ninja's with no common sense. What the hell do we know? After the commercial we'll enter the serpent's lair."
"and three..two..one..we're off the air." Lee yelled lowering the camera. "It's scorching out here."
"You think we should be doing this?" Naruto asked twirling his long blonde extensions around his finger."
"Don't be a baby. Hello we've defeated him before."
"You ran like...ha ha school girls. Get it school girls?"
"Shut up Lee!" Neji snapped wondering why he had to hold a light when it was one in the afternoon. "Your sensei's warped though to send us to do this stupid segment on that crack job news program."
"He's just bored." Naruto argued agreeing fully with Neji. Orochimaru was creepy and they were the most vulnerable. After all he did like young boys.
“What if he recognizes us?” Naruto whined biting his finger nails.
“Then I’ll protect you!” Sasuke whispered fixing his on-screen makeup.
“Did that sound a little...”Neji whispered to Lee.
“Oh yeah.” Lee replied getting the camera ready.
“Okay were back in 3...2...1.”
“Welcome back to Undercover Paradise. If you’re just tuning in me and my partner are going undercover as school boys to investigate the alleged allegations of Lord Orochimaru’s young boy fetish. We’re heading into his crib as I speak. Let’s were heading to the door and...”
The door opens revealing a smiling Orochimaru.
“Hello boys...”
The two shinobi smile back until they notice the television set on with the same pale face staring back at them.
“This is live...” Naruto gasped slowing backing away from the door. When Kabuto jumped out of the bushes grabbing the bedazzled blond.
“Abort! Abort! Kakashi!!” Naruto yelped his legs flying into the air.
Lee runs back trying to get the perfect angle for the struggle. While Neji explodes into laughter.
“This is good stuff.”
“Should we help them?” Lee questioned.
As Orochimaru grabs Sasuke with his youthful arms Naruto manages a replication technique somehow escaping from the two men’s grasps. Then out of pure fear they run into the woods surrounding the house with Lee and Neji following them. The warm sunshine fades into cold darkness as the trees get thicker and thicker. Neji uses his camera lights to guide the way through the maze. Naruto grabs the camera putting it close to his face.
“Orochimaru and Kabuto are after us. They have years of experience and were genin. Our battle techniques aren’t working...and we may not make it...I just want to say...DAMN YOU KAKASHI!”
The group all yells the last part into the camera together.
“Naruto...I have something to tell you. Since we are gonna die and all. Well...you guys will...my body will be preserved until he snatches it in a few years. I love you.”
“I love you too Sasuke!” Naruto cries embracing his friend.
Suddenly branches start snapping all around them. They’re surrounded by Orochimaru and Kabuto replicas.
“Oh no! We’re too young to die!” Lee screams holding onto Neji.
“Let go of my man!”
The clones scratch their heads as Gaara jumps down from the trees.
“Gaara!” Lee shrieks hugging his own love...on national televison.
“I saw the television show and came here to rescue you.”
“Oh..Gaara!”
“You idiot. How the hell are you gonna rescue him if you can’t use your battle techniques? You’re just another pretty young boy. Try to release the demon inside...just try.”
Gaara scowled at Neji trying to summon the demon that had been lurking inside him all his life. Yet, all he felt was a shield of darkness keeping the creature at bay. With fury in his eyes he hid behind Lee. The one fucking time he needed that blasted thing it was out of his reach...WEAK!
Orochimaru smiled licking his lips at the boys.
“I’m going to die! Which isn’t like...super bad but not you Lee! You need to live.!” Gaara pleaded still hovering behind Lee.
“Gaara!”
“Lee!”
The y start making out against a tree. Neji grabs the discarded camera treating it like a shield between him and the replicas.
“The whole world is watching you two! You can’t kill us or do other things...”
“Yeah...they already know were evil...so...like should we care?” Kabuto asked as Orochimaru nodded. As they lunged at the boys.
“TenTen!” Neji screams running with his friends farther and farther into the dark forest.
Back at Konoha News Station...a.k.a Iruka’s garage...
“This is madness Kakashi! These are children! These boys are defenseless against them. Why the hell did you send them anyway?”
“Calm down. I’ve sent backup. Those two aren’t as smart as they appear. So don’t sweat it my little sweet cakes.”
“I told you to stop calling me that.”
“Aww...you know you love it.”
Iruka blushes hurrying back to his television set. The show was back from it’s commercial break. Damn networks didn’t know this was really happening.
“Okay, we’ve lost them for now.” Neji huffed trying to catch his breath.
“For how long though?” Naruto questioned leaning on Sasuke who was leaning on Lee who was leaning on Gaara who wasn’t tired at all. He had just joined the chase and was in beautiful shape.
“Can’t you use your demon-ness at all?!” Lee asked shoving Sasuke’s sweaty body off of him. Naruto toppled over not able to handle Sasuke’s full weight.
“I’m okay.” He groaned as Sasuke looked up at him not comprehending a word he had just said.
“I can’t there is something blocking my abilities. My barrier doesn’t even work.”
Neji chucks a stick at Gaara’s head.
“Ouch! You bastard! I’ll rip your heart out!”
“Not so tough without your barrier pussy.”
“Oh hell...he didn’t..oh no he didn’t! I’ll lay the smack down on your candy ass!”
“STOP! Stop the fighting! It’s useless. We’re in this together! Now come on five extremely sexy strong genin such as ourselves can come up with something to get us out of this mess!” Sasuke interrupted spreading the seed of hope.
“You are a pussy without your barrier though. heh.”
Then he squashed the seed in the same minute as Gaara tried to lunge at the two shinobi but Lee held him back best he could.
“That’s what I was saying man!” Neji high fives Sasuke as Gaara plans both the boys demise and a weird smile crosses his face.
“I smell something.” Naruto whispers sniffing the air.
“Sorry.” Lee blushes as the boys look at him disgusted.
“No not that...wait that was you...damn Lee what did you eat?...Anyway..I smell Vanilla perfume..”
“Tenten wears vanilla perfume!” Neji yells as Tenten walks through the trees.
“I missed you!”
Tenten blushes as Neji wraps his arms around her. The guys start snickering and she shoves him away fixing her hair. Sakura, Ino, Temari and Hinata follow looking pretty pissed off.
“First of all you guys are stupid for coming to seduce Orochimaru.” Sakura screamed glaring at Naruto and Sasuke.
“Second, your stupid for dressing as school boys!” Ino added also glaring at the two boys.
“Third, your stupid for coming here thinking you could save Lee without even consulting me or even thinking twice about it!” Temari screeched as Gaara’s eyes started to water.
“Fourth, Hello Lee! He’s a fucking demon boy! A DEMON BOY! What the fuck?! Don’t think your getting off the hook either Neji!...You yelled my name on national televison..” Tenten awkwardly looks at the televison fixing her hair again. As Temari glared at her with a weird smile knowing she would get a major ass whooping for calling her brother a demon boy.
That’s where he got it...
“Uh...and...last but not...least..” Hinata stuttered as all the girls looked to her. They had rehearsed their on screen lines before hand and had given Hinata the best because of the extra shock value of her exploding.
“YOU’RE ALL FUCKING IDIOTIC NAIVE LITTLE BOYS TO BE RUNNING INTO THE WOODS OF ALL PLACES WITH TWO PSYCHO PEDOPHILES AFTER YOU! THEN MAKING OUT ON NATIONAL TELEVISION...AND CONFESSING LOVE TO EACH OTHER! COME ON!!” Everyone stared at her in disbelief a tear welling up in Sakura’s eyes. She was so proud of her shy friend.
“Oh...and Sasuke get the fuck away from my man!” Hinata added her hands falling to her waist.
Naruto’s eyes lit up. Hinata was kinda sexy when she was all in control and stuff. Wait! He was in love with Sasuke...but he though a girl was sexy.
“I’m a BISEXUAL!”
Everyone’s jaw dropped. That had truly just proved Naruto wasn’t listening to a word they and just said.
“Wait a second. Why do you girls think you can come up here and save us? We can’t use our techniques.” Gaara whispered trying not to get his sister angrier than she was.
“Well Orochimaru is stupid...He created a barrier that made sure violent techniques could not be used...but only for males.” Temari explained calmly.
“We’re not idiots! We just didn’t see the need to add girls to the barrier. It’s a timely process to do it for boys. Plus, it’s not like the ladies line up around the block to visit us. Girls are to intelligent to visit well known pedophiles. Yet, as you have seen here today boys are not. Dumb bastard’s.”
“Like you five can take Kabuto and Orochimaru!” Neji laughed.
“We don’t need to they are boys. Their harmless to us.” Sakura laughed.
“We’re also not young boys...so fondling etc. is not a threat...ha.” Ino added sighing in relief.
“Come on. We’ll go get you guys home. Towns like a quarter of a mile from here.” Tenten lead the way.
“Wait! Boys come back! We have candy.”
“Candy?!” Lee pinged glancing back his eyes grew big and he screamed in freight. “That’s NOT candy!”
“Damn it! Temari do your stuff.” Tenten stated as Temari nodded.
Temari sent a gust of wind through the forest sending Kabuto and Orochimaru flying into the sky.
“Team Orochimaru is blasting off again!!!” Kabuto screams as him and his master disappear into the big blue sky.
At the Ramen stand...
“What have we learned here today?” Iruka asked as the five boys scarf down some well deserved ramen.
“Never listen to Kakashi.” Lee anwsered.
“And?”
“Don’t tempt a pedophiles.” Neji added.
“And?”
“Don’t save people cause you’ll just screw yourself over.” Gaara grunted.
“Uh...what the...when did you get here?”
Gaara quickly downed his bowl and with a peck on Lee’s cheek was gone.
“Uh...alright. Learn anything else?”
“Don’t announce your love for your boyfriend on national television if he is a sexy beast with scary fan girls.” Naruto sighed opening another death threat.
“Okay that about raps it up. Now that you have all learned something and are...” He notices a lone girl walk up to the stand with an oozy in hand. He slams all 109 pounds of her into the wall. A Sasuke-kun fan club card falling from her pocket. “...Relatively safe you can start your lives anew.” He smiles and grabs the girl striding down the street.
“Kakashi says that Jiraiya is a closet Yaoi lover. Our next assignment is to snoop around his apartment dressed as sexy young girls for proof.” Neji explained slurping his ramen.
“Sounds easy enough.” Naruto agreed.
“He’ll have to be in the apartment at the same time too.” Neji added.
“Why?!” Lee questioned looking somewhat distressed.
“Cause Kakashi is testing our skills.” Sasuke stated. “We’ll show him! Oh yes! We’ll be the sexiest young girls in Konoha! Then we’ll lure Jiraiya into his apartment to play..Jenga.”
“Perfect. Jiraiya loves games and dress up. He has all sorts of whips and chains in his closet.” Naruto smiled. “Hey...what’s Yaoi?”
“I don’t know dunce! We’ll just look for something that says Yaoi on it. Geese.” Neji sighed sick of Naruto’s ignorance.
“It’ll be perfect.” Lee pinged as he chugged his milk.
After all they were only thirteen.
Converting /tmp/phpmwF0MZ to /dev/stdout
"Eh-em well...today's story features a truly evil dude. Yes, folks it's Orochimaru. Evil music We have shinobi's undercover to bring you the real story behind the pale snake obsessed madman himself. Play the footage."
"Thanks Sakura-chan.
(fake smile)
“I'm Uzumaki Naruto and we are here at Orochimaru's actual..."Lair".”
(Shivers)
“I know kind of lacks the spooky effects huh?"
Flashes to a white house with powder blue shudders and a pink picket fence. Not to mention the flamingoes.
"It seems he's changed his residence to better accommodate his real passion. Which is why me and my partner here are also dressed as "school boys". You take it from here."
"Hello all I'm Uchiha Sasuke and with this hidden camera in our breast pockets we'll catch the whole ordeal. Oh yes you may ask is this legal or even safe. Of course it's not but we're thirteen year old ninja's with no common sense. What the hell do we know? After the commercial we'll enter the serpent's lair."
"and three..two..one..we're off the air." Lee yelled lowering the camera. "It's scorching out here."
"You think we should be doing this?" Naruto asked twirling his long blonde extensions around his finger."
"Don't be a baby. Hello we've defeated him before."
"You ran like...ha ha school girls. Get it school girls?"
"Shut up Lee!" Neji snapped wondering why he had to hold a light when it was one in the afternoon. "Your sensei's warped though to send us to do this stupid segment on that crack job news program."
"He's just bored." Naruto argued agreeing fully with Neji. Orochimaru was creepy and they were the most vulnerable. After all he did like young boys.
“What if he recognizes us?” Naruto whined biting his finger nails.
“Then I’ll protect you!” Sasuke whispered fixing his on-screen makeup.
“Did that sound a little...”Neji whispered to Lee.
“Oh yeah.” Lee replied getting the camera ready.
“Okay were back in 3...2...1.”
“Welcome back to Undercover Paradise. If you’re just tuning in me and my partner are going undercover as school boys to investigate the alleged allegations of Lord Orochimaru’s young boy fetish. We’re heading into his crib as I speak. Let’s were heading to the door and...”
The door opens revealing a smiling Orochimaru.
“Hello boys...”
The two shinobi smile back until they notice the television set on with the same pale face staring back at them.
“This is live...” Naruto gasped slowing backing away from the door. When Kabuto jumped out of the bushes grabbing the bedazzled blond.
“Abort! Abort! Kakashi!!” Naruto yelped his legs flying into the air.
Lee runs back trying to get the perfect angle for the struggle. While Neji explodes into laughter.
“This is good stuff.”
“Should we help them?” Lee questioned.
As Orochimaru grabs Sasuke with his youthful arms Naruto manages a replication technique somehow escaping from the two men’s grasps. Then out of pure fear they run into the woods surrounding the house with Lee and Neji following them. The warm sunshine fades into cold darkness as the trees get thicker and thicker. Neji uses his camera lights to guide the way through the maze. Naruto grabs the camera putting it close to his face.
“Orochimaru and Kabuto are after us. They have years of experience and were genin. Our battle techniques aren’t working...and we may not make it...I just want to say...DAMN YOU KAKASHI!”
The group all yells the last part into the camera together.
“Naruto...I have something to tell you. Since we are gonna die and all. Well...you guys will...my body will be preserved until he snatches it in a few years. I love you.”
“I love you too Sasuke!” Naruto cries embracing his friend.
Suddenly branches start snapping all around them. They’re surrounded by Orochimaru and Kabuto replicas.
“Oh no! We’re too young to die!” Lee screams holding onto Neji.
“Let go of my man!”
The clones scratch their heads as Gaara jumps down from the trees.
“Gaara!” Lee shrieks hugging his own love...on national televison.
“I saw the television show and came here to rescue you.”
“Oh..Gaara!”
“You idiot. How the hell are you gonna rescue him if you can’t use your battle techniques? You’re just another pretty young boy. Try to release the demon inside...just try.”
Gaara scowled at Neji trying to summon the demon that had been lurking inside him all his life. Yet, all he felt was a shield of darkness keeping the creature at bay. With fury in his eyes he hid behind Lee. The one fucking time he needed that blasted thing it was out of his reach...WEAK!
Orochimaru smiled licking his lips at the boys.
“I’m going to die! Which isn’t like...super bad but not you Lee! You need to live.!” Gaara pleaded still hovering behind Lee.
“Gaara!”
“Lee!”
The y start making out against a tree. Neji grabs the discarded camera treating it like a shield between him and the replicas.
“The whole world is watching you two! You can’t kill us or do other things...”
“Yeah...they already know were evil...so...like should we care?” Kabuto asked as Orochimaru nodded. As they lunged at the boys.
“TenTen!” Neji screams running with his friends farther and farther into the dark forest.
Back at Konoha News Station...a.k.a Iruka’s garage...
“This is madness Kakashi! These are children! These boys are defenseless against them. Why the hell did you send them anyway?”
“Calm down. I’ve sent backup. Those two aren’t as smart as they appear. So don’t sweat it my little sweet cakes.”
“I told you to stop calling me that.”
“Aww...you know you love it.”
Iruka blushes hurrying back to his television set. The show was back from it’s commercial break. Damn networks didn’t know this was really happening.
“Okay, we’ve lost them for now.” Neji huffed trying to catch his breath.
“For how long though?” Naruto questioned leaning on Sasuke who was leaning on Lee who was leaning on Gaara who wasn’t tired at all. He had just joined the chase and was in beautiful shape.
“Can’t you use your demon-ness at all?!” Lee asked shoving Sasuke’s sweaty body off of him. Naruto toppled over not able to handle Sasuke’s full weight.
“I’m okay.” He groaned as Sasuke looked up at him not comprehending a word he had just said.
“I can’t there is something blocking my abilities. My barrier doesn’t even work.”
Neji chucks a stick at Gaara’s head.
“Ouch! You bastard! I’ll rip your heart out!”
“Not so tough without your barrier pussy.”
“Oh hell...he didn’t..oh no he didn’t! I’ll lay the smack down on your candy ass!”
“STOP! Stop the fighting! It’s useless. We’re in this together! Now come on five extremely sexy strong genin such as ourselves can come up with something to get us out of this mess!” Sasuke interrupted spreading the seed of hope.
“You are a pussy without your barrier though. heh.”
Then he squashed the seed in the same minute as Gaara tried to lunge at the two shinobi but Lee held him back best he could.
“That’s what I was saying man!” Neji high fives Sasuke as Gaara plans both the boys demise and a weird smile crosses his face.
“I smell something.” Naruto whispers sniffing the air.
“Sorry.” Lee blushes as the boys look at him disgusted.
“No not that...wait that was you...damn Lee what did you eat?...Anyway..I smell Vanilla perfume..”
“Tenten wears vanilla perfume!” Neji yells as Tenten walks through the trees.
“I missed you!”
Tenten blushes as Neji wraps his arms around her. The guys start snickering and she shoves him away fixing her hair. Sakura, Ino, Temari and Hinata follow looking pretty pissed off.
“First of all you guys are stupid for coming to seduce Orochimaru.” Sakura screamed glaring at Naruto and Sasuke.
“Second, your stupid for dressing as school boys!” Ino added also glaring at the two boys.
“Third, your stupid for coming here thinking you could save Lee without even consulting me or even thinking twice about it!” Temari screeched as Gaara’s eyes started to water.
“Fourth, Hello Lee! He’s a fucking demon boy! A DEMON BOY! What the fuck?! Don’t think your getting off the hook either Neji!...You yelled my name on national televison..” Tenten awkwardly looks at the televison fixing her hair again. As Temari glared at her with a weird smile knowing she would get a major ass whooping for calling her brother a demon boy.
That’s where he got it...
“Uh...and...last but not...least..” Hinata stuttered as all the girls looked to her. They had rehearsed their on screen lines before hand and had given Hinata the best because of the extra shock value of her exploding.
“YOU’RE ALL FUCKING IDIOTIC NAIVE LITTLE BOYS TO BE RUNNING INTO THE WOODS OF ALL PLACES WITH TWO PSYCHO PEDOPHILES AFTER YOU! THEN MAKING OUT ON NATIONAL TELEVISION...AND CONFESSING LOVE TO EACH OTHER! COME ON!!” Everyone stared at her in disbelief a tear welling up in Sakura’s eyes. She was so proud of her shy friend.
“Oh...and Sasuke get the fuck away from my man!” Hinata added her hands falling to her waist.
Naruto’s eyes lit up. Hinata was kinda sexy when she was all in control and stuff. Wait! He was in love with Sasuke...but he though a girl was sexy.
“I’m a BISEXUAL!”
Everyone’s jaw dropped. That had truly just proved Naruto wasn’t listening to a word they and just said.
“Wait a second. Why do you girls think you can come up here and save us? We can’t use our techniques.” Gaara whispered trying not to get his sister angrier than she was.
“Well Orochimaru is stupid...He created a barrier that made sure violent techniques could not be used...but only for males.” Temari explained calmly.
“We’re not idiots! We just didn’t see the need to add girls to the barrier. It’s a timely process to do it for boys. Plus, it’s not like the ladies line up around the block to visit us. Girls are to intelligent to visit well known pedophiles. Yet, as you have seen here today boys are not. Dumb bastard’s.”
“Like you five can take Kabuto and Orochimaru!” Neji laughed.
“We don’t need to they are boys. Their harmless to us.” Sakura laughed.
“We’re also not young boys...so fondling etc. is not a threat...ha.” Ino added sighing in relief.
“Come on. We’ll go get you guys home. Towns like a quarter of a mile from here.” Tenten lead the way.
“Wait! Boys come back! We have candy.”
“Candy?!” Lee pinged glancing back his eyes grew big and he screamed in freight. “That’s NOT candy!”
“Damn it! Temari do your stuff.” Tenten stated as Temari nodded.
Temari sent a gust of wind through the forest sending Kabuto and Orochimaru flying into the sky.
“Team Orochimaru is blasting off again!!!” Kabuto screams as him and his master disappear into the big blue sky.
At the Ramen stand...
“What have we learned here today?” Iruka asked as the five boys scarf down some well deserved ramen.
“Never listen to Kakashi.” Lee anwsered.
“And?”
“Don’t tempt a pedophiles.” Neji added.
“And?”
“Don’t save people cause you’ll just screw yourself over.” Gaara grunted.
“Uh...what the...when did you get here?”
Gaara quickly downed his bowl and with a peck on Lee’s cheek was gone.
“Uh...alright. Learn anything else?”
“Don’t announce your love for your boyfriend on national television if he is a sexy beast with scary fan girls.” Naruto sighed opening another death threat.
“Okay that about raps it up. Now that you have all learned something and are...” He notices a lone girl walk up to the stand with an oozy in hand. He slams all 109 pounds of her into the wall. A Sasuke-kun fan club card falling from her pocket. “...Relatively safe you can start your lives anew.” He smiles and grabs the girl striding down the street.
“Kakashi says that Jiraiya is a closet Yaoi lover. Our next assignment is to snoop around his apartment dressed as sexy young girls for proof.” Neji explained slurping his ramen.
“Sounds easy enough.” Naruto agreed.
“He’ll have to be in the apartment at the same time too.” Neji added.
“Why?!” Lee questioned looking somewhat distressed.
“Cause Kakashi is testing our skills.” Sasuke stated. “We’ll show him! Oh yes! We’ll be the sexiest young girls in Konoha! Then we’ll lure Jiraiya into his apartment to play..Jenga.”
“Perfect. Jiraiya loves games and dress up. He has all sorts of whips and chains in his closet.” Naruto smiled. “Hey...what’s Yaoi?”
“I don’t know dunce! We’ll just look for something that says Yaoi on it. Geese.” Neji sighed sick of Naruto’s ignorance.
“It’ll be perfect.” Lee pinged as he chugged his milk.
After all they were only thirteen.
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