Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Waltz #2 ❯ Chapter 3 ( Chapter 3 )

Chapter 3.

 

/Looking out on the substitute scene
Still going strong
XO, Mom
It's ok, it's alright, nothing's wrong/

- Elliott Smith

 

Kakashi lay in bed, staring at his ceiling, listening to the racket in the next room over. Sasuke was dreaming again. He did this regularly and he never had the courtesy to do it quietly. Kakashi had always suffered through his dreams silently, but Sasuke was a mumbler and a shouter and it sounded like, a few times, he forgot to breath and then remembered with a sudden gasp. Kakashi would normally frown upon such a blatant display of weakness. Keep your shit to yourself and, more importantly, don't risk the security of the village (and your dignity) by talking in your sleep. But in the months since Sasuke's bloody return to Konoha, and in the two months he'd been staying with Kakashi, the jounin had quickly learned that his charge was not succumbing to weakness but was, in fact, fighting off the effects of a half-formed jutsu. His suspicions that day on the mountain had been confirmed by Tsunade, when she'd finally woken. Orochimaru had tried to take over Sasuke's body, was indeed succeeding when Naruto interrupted. Had he arrived a few minutes later, they may have been too late. And now, while Orochimaru was gone and it was only Sasuke in his own head, the Uchiha had been brutally attacked and invaded and occupied for those few minutes. There were bound to be repercussions from this, and they bloomed in his head and in his body when his guard was down - when he slept - and in times of stress. Kakashi frowned up at the ceiling. Sasuke was always under stress these days. He wanted to build up the strength he lost in his time spent in the hospital. He wanted to practice the techniques he'd learned in Sound - without Kakashi seeing them to be able to copy them. He wanted Kakashi to continue to teach him new techniques to improve his chances against Itachi, when they finally met again. He wanted to avoid all contact with the rest of the village, including Naruto and Sakura when they came to see him. And he put himself under tremendous pressure to keep his emotions in check, to keep his memories in check and to keep his brain in check. Kakashi could feel his former student's rage at his own instability. Whenever Sasuke found himself trapped in his own head, fighting for control of it, stuck in that brief struggle with Orochimaru - one that actually lasted only a few minutes but had felt like slow, painful, vile suffocation - Kakashi could see the amount of energy it cost him to forcefully wrench himself out of it.

 

And Kakashi usually did nothing to help. Sasuke would not have accepted his aid anyway. They each kept to themselves, except when training in taijutsu. Kakashi usually cooked and Sasuke always cleaned up but they rarely did these things in each other's presence. Kakashi had other things to do besides babysit - like catching up on his reading and doing local missions for Tsunade - and Sasuke spent most of his time either in the small dojo Kakashi'd installed in one corner of his living room or out in the yard, fighting phantom enemies on withered, dead grass.

 

Only at night, in an effort to tire himself out before bed and avoid nightmares, did Sasuke ask to spar with Kakashi. Kakashi always said yes, because he knew about crushing exhaustion trumped only by the fear of sleep. He knew about voices that existed only in the brain, voices that didn't fade with time. It worked sometimes; sometimes the Uchiha slept like the dead, limbs sprawled across his narrow cot, mouth open, drooling just a little. Kakashi held onto that image, both because he felt tired relief when he saw his former student actually relaxed, and because he could probably use it as ammo when Sasuke got cocky. Which he did. Regularly. Not that Kakashi expected any less.

 

Kakashi realized suddenly that Sasuke had been silent for the last two minutes. Perhaps the nightmare was over. Probably not, though. The true sign that trouble was over was usually Sasuke's shaky trip to the bathroom to run the sink for longer than Kakashi thought necessary and then his shuffle to the kitchen for water. But that wasn't happening.

 

Another minute passed and Kakashi slid from his bed and across his cold floor, silently opening his door and walking the four paces to Sasuke's room. He paused outside for the moment it took him to hear muffled choking noises and then he was inside, eyes glued to the body arching off the bed. Sasuke's eyes were squeezed shut, his fingers tearing his shirt, face red, turning purple. Kakashi frowned. He pulled his mask up over his mouth and nose.

 

“Sasuke!” he said sharply. Instantly he came out of it. His body went limp and he sucked in several deep gasping breaths. He coughed and then sneezed and then rolled out of bed, landing on all fours. He stayed there like that for several moments and Kakashi stayed very still, watching, not wanting to say anything that would set him off. Eventually Sasuke turned his head slightly to look at him.

 

“Hello,” he said hoarsely.

 

“Yo,” Kakashi murmured.

 

“They're not usually that bad. Usually I can handle them.”

 

“I know.”

 

Sasuke shifted back to sit on his heals, then shifted again, stretching his legs out in front of him. He leaned his head back on his cot and stared at the ceiling.

 

“It's been almost four months. Why won't they go away?”

 

Kakashi shrugged and slid down the wall to sit on the floor, legs crossed at the ankle. “One of the three most powerful shinobi in the world tried to put himself inside you. He messed with your head, your body and your chakra. Your recovery will be slow.”

 

Sasuke nodded. And then he shuddered, wrapping his arms around himself. “Tsunade wanted me to tell her what it felt like, wanted to understand the jutsu he used, wanted to... stick her fingers in my head and poke around. But she didn't force me, so I didn't tell her.”

 

“You haven't told anyone.”

 

Sasuke scowled up at him. “No, I haven't. And I'm not telling you.”

 

“I don't particularly want to know.”

 

Sasuke flinched and then tried to hide it. Kakashi watched him stubbornly try to conceal the disgust and revulsion and abject terror that always followed him out of a nightmare.

 

“I don't know whether telling anyone would make it better,” he continued. “I don't know whether having it out in the open would make it less intense in your own head.”

 

“I don't like sharing,” Sasuke grumbled.

 

“That is certainly true.”

 

“And neither do you.”

 

“Also most certainly true.”

 

“And I don't want to talk about it.”

 

“That's fine.”

 

“But I want it to stop.”

 

“Naturally.”

 

“And I thought you were the one who's supposed to help me with that.”

 

“....” Kakashi cursed internally. He'd wondered when that would come up.

 

“Tsunade wouldn't come around if you helped me. That's what she said.”

 

“I know what she said.”

 

“Then, fucking...I...” He shook his head sharply and his arms tightened across is chest. The fog was encroaching. Sasuke knew it and Kakashi could sense it. The boy spoke quickly, his words low and broken. He forced them out before they once again became intangible emotion, specters in a fog. “It was paralysis and helplessness. Black and slithering. And heat - painful friction. I was filled with it and it was... I knew it was power and lust. And that was the worst because I knew he wanted me... I had known... before, and so when he tried to take me, it was like... that... in that way, even though he never actually...” Sasuke trailed off, then drew his knees up to his chest.

 

Kakashi kept his right eye blank and his left eye closed. This was not what he wanted. None of it was. This kind of thing didn't happen to people, not even shinobi, not even him. Sasuke, despite his betrayal, should not have had to...

 

“There, that wasn't so hard. Feel better?” he asked lightly, knowing before he said it that it was the wrong thing to say. But he'd always been an insensitive prick. Everyone knew this about him, including Sasuke.

 

The boy looked confused for one aching moment, then hurt and embarrassed. “Fuck you,” he gritted. Kakashi raised an eyebrow. Sasuke shot to his feet and ran from the room. By the time he reached the front door, Kakashi was already there, blocking it, hands in the pockets of his sweats. Sasuke's hands flashed though a few seals and he raised his fingers to his lips. His eyes were swirling.

 

“Please don't burn down my house,” came a voice from directly behind him. The Uchiha spun and shouted a laugh at his former teacher striding toward him.

 

“That's just a cl-” Kakashi grabbed him from behind and released the jutsu, his clone disappearing in a puff of gray smoke. Sasuke bucked and snapped in his arms, shredded voice spewing ugly accusatory words. Kakashi wrestled him onto the floor and sat on him, much as he'd done the first time he challenged Sasuke to retrieve a bell from his belt four years ago.

 

“Motherfucking useless piece of shit, fucking pervert - get off me! Don't fucking - agh! Don't touch me! Don't touch me, don'ttouchme!” His voice rose in panic and Kakashi hauled him to his feet to see black eyes squeezed shut again.

 

“Sasuke,” he said firmly, lightly shaking his former pupil. “Sasuke, what do you need from me? How will you feel better with my help?”

 

Sasuke shook his head quickly, no.

 

“You're stronger than this. You're tough. I don't know how I can...”

 

With his eyes still closed, “How are you strong, Kakashi? You're like me. How are you strong?”

 

Kakashi swallowed hard and dropped Sasuke's arms. “I've adapted and adjusted... and accepted.”

 

Eyes closed, Sasuke reached out to him, traced his fingers along cheeks, nose and jaw hidden beneath black fabric. Kakashi held still, let those fingers peel away his mask, let them feel his skin. Had Sasuke opened his eyes Kakashi would have closed down, turned away and left him there by the door. But those eyes didn't open and Kakashi let the young man touch his face. He briefly closed his eyes.

 

Sasuke's eyes stayed closed as he dropped his hands and walked past Kakashi back towards his bedroom. The jounin pulled his mask quickly over his nose with a swift, clumsy motion. He scrubbed a hand through his hair and watched as Sasuke reappeared, wheeling his cot in front of him. He pushed it through Kakashi's open door, banging it once on the door frame. Kakashi followed him into his own bedroom and stood, staring hard at the boy sitting there calmly, black eyes hidden behind pale lids. He'd been doing that a lot since he'd injured himself - spending a great portion of the day with his eyes closed. He'd spent nearly two months in a hospital blind-folded. His other senses had compensated during that time. He didn't need his eyes as much now.

 

After a moment of hesitation, he opened them to look at his former teacher standing there waiting. “I think this would help. Being alone in the dark makes it worse,” he said quietly.

 

“Okay.”

 

“You asked me what you could do-” he started a bit defensively.

 

“And I meant it,” Kakashi said, suddenly exhausted. “You can stay in here, but if those nightmares keep me awake-”

 

“They keep you awake whether I'm in here or not.”

 

Yes, Sasuke's other senses were compensating nicely.

 

“I need to sleep now.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Sleep was a long time coming for Kakashi. It came immediately for Sasuke. And the nightmares didn't come back. Neither did Kakashi's.