Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Waltz #2 ❯ Chapter 7

7.

 

/Tell Mr. Man with impossible plans to just leave me alone
In the place where I make no mistakes
In the place where I have what it takes
I'm never gonna know you now
But I'm gonna love you anyhow/

-Elliott Smith

 

Kakashi moved about his apartment, silent and slow as a ghost. His sandals sometimes crunched over broken plates and cups, but mostly he seemed to drift over the wreckage of his home as though he were not even touching the ground. His fingers hovered over the toppled couch and up-ended table in his living room. They lightly touched the splintered wood of his kitchen table and chairs where a few times he and Sasuke had sat down to eat together. He sank to the floor in his bedroom, resting his chin in his hand, and stared blankly at the cot in the corner that had been ripped apart down to its wheels and screws. Slowly he turned his head to see his ruined bed. The boy who'd torn through his apartment with the force of a hurricane had taken a kunai to the mattress and now the place where they'd lain together for that one night was slashed and ragged. The stuffing in his pillow had all been ripped out, the picture frames over his bed shattered. To his relief, he saw that the pictures were still there, relatively unharmed.

 

And everything of Sasuke's was gone - his clothing, his weapons, the foods that only he liked to eat, his toothpaste and toothbrush, his first-aid kit. As far as Kakashi could tell, only the bloody bandages they'd removed from Sasuke's fingers the night Kakashi left were still in the trash can. But the Uchiha's presence was everywhere in the apartment. From the splintered furniture to the slashed bed, Sasuke was there glaring at him, arms crossed over his chest, all bristling defiance.

 

Kakashi found, to his infinite annoyance, that he could not sleep in his own room. He'd flipped the mattress and stuffed the remains of his pillow into an over-sized shirt, but he still couldn't find a comfortable position and he didn't feel safe closing his eyes. So with a soft frustrated huff of breath, he grabbed his kunai case and his vest and headed to the roof.

 

The cool air instantly calmed him and the breeze swept away the unsettling mood of his home. He lay on his back, pillowing his head on his vest, staring up at the stars, wondering just how long he'd wait for Sasuke to come find him, how long the Uchiha would be able to curb his need to confront Kakashi. He thought about seeking out Sasuke himself and saving the boy the trouble, but then he reminded himself of his resolution to stay out of his team's lives.

 

But his resolution was quickly taken out of his hands as he felt Sasuke's tangled and smothered chakra signature approaching at alarming speed. Eyes still closed, he slid a kunai into his hand and waited a moment longer.

 

The soft tread of sandaled feet on his roof made his heart quicken slightly. The feel of cool, calloused fingers around his neck made him start. He opened his eyes in time to see furious black eyes staring down at him. He looked calmly back up at his former student and felt the breath catch in his throat as the Uchiha sent as large a burst of chakra as he could muster into his hand, driving the Kunai he clutched in white-knuckled fingers into Kakashi's chest.

 

The boy didn't flinch when his former teacher disappeared in a puff of gray smoke. He looked up to see Kakashi perched on the roof's edge, fingers lightly resting on the rough tarpaper surface. Kakashi waved cheerfully, eye crinkling upwards. His sharingan was closed; he wasn't wearing his hitai-ate. “I'm going to assume you knew that was a clone and that you don't really intend to kill me on my own roof.”

 

Sasuke didn't answer him, but rose swiftly to his feet and strode quickly toward the man crouching so carelessly close to the edge of the roof. Kakashi braced and then let himself fall as Sasuke shoved him hard in the chest. He kept his eye on the Uchiha long enough to see him leap off the roof to follow his descent, then he twisted in the air like a cat and landed on all fours, cushioning his fall with a burst of chakra that also functioned to toss him forward into a dead run. His back was wide open, but he knew more certainly than he knew most things that Sasuke would never strike him in the back. No matter how angry or hurt or betrayed he felt, he would never try to defeat Kakashi underhandedly. So Kakashi led him away from the village, toward Konoha's towering trees.

 

Sasuke was gaining on him; he was 14 years younger after all. His speed had always been remarkable. Kakashi threw himself up into the trees as soon as they were within range and then turned to face his former student, dodging low and to the side when the Uchiha came at him with a snarl, blade slashing. Kakashi ran along the branch, ran until the branch ended and then he was falling. He fell until his feet found another tree and stuck to it. He clung to the trunk, hands gripping the bark, neck craned back to see Sasuke pursuing him. Kakashi turned and swung down onto a lower branch and then split himself in two, leaving a shadow clone hiding in the lee of the tree. He dropped to the forest floor, knees bending to absorb the impact, the loamy earth making his landing almost silent. Sasuke regarded him from the treetops before deciding to go after the Kakashi that remained hidden. Kakashi turned away and took off deeper into the forest, not sure whether he was really trying to outrun Sasuke or whether he wanted to feed the boy's anger until it burned out, if such a thing were even possible.

 

He ran for maybe five minutes before he sensed the boy's approach, stopping short just as his old student landed in a crouch directly in front of him. “You should have known better than to think I'd stick around to fight you,” Kakashi murmured by way of scolding him for picking the wrong Kakashi to initially hunt.

 

“You'll always run. You'll always be a fucking coward,” he spat. “I should have known that from the very beginning.”

 

Kakashi leaned back away from a swipe of Sasuke's blade. “You did know. But you forgot,” he commented.

 

Sasuke's body bent and his heal swept up toward Kakashi's chin. He leaned back again and then was forced to stumble back a pace as Sasuke took a half step forward and flawlessly executed a double kick that nearly took out a few of his teeth. He took in a sharp breath. “You are incredible,” he said softly.

 

The Uchiha's weight shifted and he leaned his whole body into the next strike, both fists landing simultaneously, one at Kakashi's solar plexus, the other in his gut. Kakashi landed on his ass with an “oof” as the air was forced from his lungs. Sasuke was on him in the next second, hand fisted in his shirt. “No thanks to you! Almost two years and you... you fucking left right when I ne-” He stopped himself before he admitted such a crippling weakness. “You fucking left,” he said, shaking his old sensei until the man was able to suck in a tremulous breath and blood leaked down his chin where he'd bitten his lip. Kakashi felt his brain rattle around in his skull and his stomach turn with vague nausea. His fingers finally curled into a fist and he struck out, a sharp kick landing in Sasuke's gut, sending him reeling backwards. They both sat there on the forest floor, Sasuke breathing heavily, Kakashi just trying to breathe. He leaned forward onto his hands and knees and forced himself to cough, bringing up some nastiness from lungs that were not quite recovered. He turned his head discreetly and pulled down his mask, spitting onto the ground.

 

“What's wrong with you?” Sasuke asked sharply, glancing from Kakashi's lips to the forest floor and back. “What did you just spit out - it smelled toxic.” Kakashi reminded himself that Sasuke's other senses were now stronger than his sight, so he could probably smell all sorts of fun things coming from him at any given time.

 

“Too many black raspberry sweets,” he rasped.

 

“Kakashi, I swear to god, if you bullshit me right now, I'll shove that mask so far down your throat you'll be shitting cotton/nylon blend for a week.”

 

“Lovely imagery.”

 

The boy approached him again, posture radiating aggression, but this time Kakashi, who felt that the Uchiha'd had enough opportunity to work out his anger and his hurt, grabbed his shirt and held him at arm's length. Sasuke growled, but didn't struggle. “What happened to you?” he said, voice low.

 

“I'm spitting purple because I took three poisoned senbon to the chest while on a mission patrolling the border waters of Mist. The leftovers of that shit are still coming up from time to time.”

 

Sasuke scowled at him, and Kakashi expected this. He did not expect the words that came out of his mouth. “You should have taken me with you. You always throw yourself into stupid situations without any backup, like you're hoping you'll get killed or something.”

 

Kakashi let go of him and pulled his mask back up over his nose and mouth. “You should talk. And you couldn't possibly have gone with me. You had to pass the chuunin exam.” Sasuke snorted. “Which you did. Congratulations.” Sasuke looked away. For the first time, Kakashi noticed that the Uchiha was wearing his brand new chuunin vest. It fit him well, hugging his lean chest and abdomen. When he'd returned from Sound, and once he'd more or less gotten his act together, Sasuke had traded in his trademark blue t-shirt and white shorts for the more standard cropped black pants that came to just below his knees and a better fitted dark blue shirt with the Uchiha fan on the back and sleeves that came to his elbows. He now wore the flak vest over top of his updated uniform, and he noticed that Sasuke had sewn his hitai-ate right to the jacket, along the bottom edge, right over where his appendix would have been had it not been removed when he was eleven. Kakashi, who'd always appreciated appealing aesthetics - even though he covered three quarters of his face whenever he was in public - took notice and approved of Sasuke's more mature look. Too bad he had such a sour, immature look on his face.

 

“So you're officially back on the mission roster?” he asked conversationally.

 

A sullen nod.

 

“Any missions while I was gone?”

 

Another nod.

 

“Really. What'd you do?”

 

“Deliver some medicines for Tsunade to a village that'd had an outbreak of the flu.”

 

“Anything dangerous happen?”

 

“I got the flu.”

 

Kakashi smiled behind his mask and was sure he saw dark eyes flick up to see his reaction. “I'm sorry to hear that. It all turned out okay, I hope?”

 

“Tsunade laughed at me when I got back.”

 

“Sounds about right.”

 

“And then she ruffled my hair like nothing ever happened.”

 

“That's because she was actually threatening you to not screw up in that reassuring and simultaneously terrifying way she has.”

 

“That's what I figured. ... I was a little nervous.”

 

“A wise reaction to Tsunade's unvoiced threats.”

 

The surprisingly normal conversation lagged then, and Sasuke stared moodily off into the night. Kakashi thought about whether he'd be able to sleep in his destroyed home now that he'd seen the Uchiha and he seemed to be all right. He didn't seem like a wandering bad spirit now... just the usual, cranky and somewhat amusing Sasuke. Maybe now wasn't the time to tell him that he had to stay out of Kakashi's apartment and live a life apart from his old sensei, a life that had much greater chance of success and normalcy without him around. The young man looked almost normal sitting there in front of him, resting his chin on the stiff collar of his vest. But then he spoke again.

 

“You know this doesn't mean that things are back to the way they were. Just because we can talk to each other doesn't mean it's fixed.”

 

“And how were things before?” Kakashi asked, voice light and mildly curious. What exactly did Sasuke see in their previous arrangement? Sasuke opened his mouth, the words ready to fall, but then he examined Kakashi for another moment and snapped his jaw shut. He must be catching on, Kakashi thought.

 

“Fuck you, Kakashi,” the boy gritted. “I can't say anything to you without some mocking smirk, some barely concealed insult.”

 

“I've never concealed anything from you. If you don't know that by now, it's because you never bothered to ask me.”

 

“Bullshit.” His voice was low and dangerous. “I don't think you've been straight with me even once in my life. We were...” He shook his head sharply, and in the dim moonlight, Kakashi knew he was flushed bright red and furious with his body for betraying him even in that small regard. “Kakashi, I went to bed with you and then we slept next to each other and then you were gone by morning. You left me alone in your house. You disappeared for a month just hours after I... humiliated myself in front of you, did things for you that I wouldn't do for...”

 

“Anyone other than Kabuto and Orochimaru and any number of other Sound scum?” He hadn't meant to say that aloud. He didn't even care about that. Sasuke's eyes widened and Kakashi knew he was cutting deeply. He regretted it instantly, but he could now see the gap yawning between himself and his former student. This was what needed to happen.

 

“You think I wouldn't have avoided touching them if I'd had any other option? I hated them more than anything, but I had no choice. And this isn't about that anyway! This is about you keeping your whole life from me, hiding your intentions. You can't tell me you weren't concealing the fact that you were planning on leaving me behind right after you got your rocks off.”

 

“Actually, I didn't know about the mission until-”

 

“Shut up!” Sasuke surged to his feet. Kakashi stayed put, but followed his erratic pacing with his eye. “How could you have so little respect for the way I might feel about you leaving like that?”

 

“Sasuke, when have you ever had respect for anyone? When have you thought about anyone other than yourself? You left us all behind for three years. You nearly killed Naruto on your way out of town. You broke Sakura's heart into so many pieces that she's permanently sad and sharp and brittle. And you showed no regard for the things that I tried to teach you. Things that I know because I'm older than you and I've lost just as much.”

 

Sasuke snorted sharply and turned back. “You were a fucking horrible teacher and you know it. But if it's any consolation to your bruised ego, there was nothing you could have said that would have kept me here. I'm not blaming you for that part of my life. There are things I have done that I am not proud of. To clarify, I'm blaming you for making me think that you were... that you wanted me, that I meant something to you. I'm blaming you for stringing me along for almost two years. I'm blaming you for being a cruel coward.”

 

Kakashi wearily got to his feet. Maybe this was the time for their talk. Strike while the iron was hot; strike until it snapped. “Regardless of what you may think of me; whether or not you're right about any of it, you're strong enough to face your life alone. You don't need me here; you probably never did. I left because I didn't think it wise for us to continue down the path we were headed. Shinobi should not form emotional attachments, should not become dependent on each other. You know that better than anyone.”

 

“Then why the fuck did you move all my shit into your apartment? Why did you let me sleep in your room? Why did you refuse to leave me alone after I broke your arm and went crazy? Why did you cook for me and train with me and sleep with me?”

 

Kakashi turned away. "I told you that a romantic relationship between us could not work. I told you that up front before anything happened."

 

He heard Sasuke snort. "You think I want romance? You think I wouldn't have gone to Sakura if I wanted to be cared for and loved unconditionally? She could have-"

 

Kakashi spun back quickly, snatching Sasuke's elbow into a bruising grip. "Do not assume anything about Sakura and what she's still willing to give you." He surprised himself with how forcefully he said those words and how strongly he believed them.

 

Sasuke shook his head and jerked his arm once. Kakashi let go as though his skin were hot. "Stop changing the subject! Kakashi, why did you try to make my life less miserable? Why did you tell jokes and watch over my training with Gai? Why were you there?”

 

He could think of nothing to say to that. Excuses and reasons and lies cluttered up his mind, but none of them came out. He'd never felt so off-balance. His reasons for wanting to keep Sasuke at a safe distance were rapidly becoming intangible and insubstantial. They'd sounded so rational before... Kakashi relied on reason and rationality. It was all he had.

 

Unfortunately, Sasuke had words. He had reasons that refused to be ignored. He grabbed Kakashi's arm and spun him around, shoving him backwards against a tree.

 

“Kakashi, I have nothing. Not even hate, not even rage. And you know why? Because of what you did to me. You crippled me and took it all.” He shoved his wrist in front of Kakashi's nose and in the dim light he could make out inky seals squirming across pale skin. “You did this to me, which was the only reason I let it happen. I trusted you and now I can't gather enough chakra to light a candle or heal a paper cut. But it was all okay, because you did it. And you were still there. You started this when you put me on a cot inside your own house. I-” He choked through the next words. “I needed help and you helped me. When you left I went to your apartment and ripped it all to hell, because I wanted to hate you for abandoning what you started. But it didn't work. You sealed it out of me. Hatred and rage feel like poison to me; they feel like Orochimaru inside me. I tried to hate you and felt so sick that I couldn't.”

 

Kakashi stared blankly. The baby bird was back, fluttering around in his belly and between his ribs.

 

Sasuke laughed sharply, without humor. “Don't you get it? If you aren't here, with me, I have nothing.”

 

The Uchiha looked down and away, then wiped his nose with the back of his hand. Kakashi still had his back to the tree, Sasuke leaning aggressively into him. Kakashi took a shaky breath and looked up at the stars. His former student's breathing was a bit harsh and his fingers clenched into fists and then relaxed.

 

“If it makes you feel any better, you're still pretty scary when you get angry.”

 

Another short laugh. “Just shut up, okay?” Sasuke raised his eyes, and Kakashi saw, with a dull ache in his belly, that he was staring at pale eyelids. “This is not anger, Kakashi. This is pathetic.”

 

Then, as though it were the most familiar action in the world, long fingers reached up to gently pull down his mask, brushing against his lips and chin as they tugged at the stretchy fabric. Kakashi reached one arm around Sasuke's ribs and pulled him close, not surprised to find his lithe frame trembling and shuddering under his grip. He felt a little shaky himself.

 

They sank slowly to the ground, Sasuke's face pressed into his old sensei's shoulder, arms wrapped tightly around his middle. Kakashi found himself running calloused fingers through thick black hair, combing it straight then letting it spring back up. He craned his head back and looked up at the stars again and suddenly felt a great heavy weariness press on him. His eyelids drooped and he felt like he could finally sleep. But he didn't want to do it here, out in the open, unprotected. So, he pulled Sasuke back to his feet and led him in the direction of the village.

 

“You can sleep at my house, if you want,” Sasuke mumbled. “Your place is kind of trashed.” For the first time that night he sounded a bit sheepish.

 

“I had noticed that.”

 

Neither having enough energy to get back up into the treetops, they walked slowly and side by side.