Wasted Years

by Mizerable

Ch. 7: My All

* * *

It was nearly impossible to suppress the hiss after pressing the rag soaked in alcohol against the cut; a cut that chose to continually bleed down from above his eyebrow into his eye. He should have been used to his body enduring this kind of wear-and-tear, especially since he was pretty worn and torn these days. After all, he wanted to begin his push towards becoming a jounin soon so he'd have to get used to dealing with a little bit of pain.

Then again, he wasn't completely sure it was the cut that hurt so much. The fact that he deserved every bit of pain wasn't what bothered him, either. Whenever he closed his eyes, the image of Sakura's terrified expression blazed through his mind. She's the one who struck him. She lashed out because he did something bad.

He wasn't sure what exactly possessed him to do something so utterly stupid but he was Naruto Uzumaki. He was known for doing stupid things. And this had to top the list.

Over a year has gone by since…Naruto didn't like thinking about it. A part of him blatantly refused to accept he would never see Sasuke again. They'd always swore they would get to fight each other for real some day; to find out who really was the stronger of the two. But Naruto was tossed aside when Sasuke's true opponent returned and then Sasuke was…

Naruto wasn't sure how he survived those first few weeks. It hurt so much that he was pretty damn sure his heart would give out and he'd just drop dead. Sasuke was his teammate and, more importantly, his rival. But they were never what anyone could call friends. Sasuke would never let anyone get that close. Friends or not, Naruto knew Sasuke was hurting a lot. If there was one thing Naruto knew about, it was enduring a lot of pain. But somehow he thought Sasuke would just get better. He wasn't a quitter so Naruto figured he'd stay alive to complete his goal. But he made it right to the end and just…

Towards the end, Sakura also knew how badly Sasuke must have been suffering. She became less preoccupied with getting a date out of Sasuke and more involved with just coaxing him out of his shell. She must have been able to accept how much he was hurting, more so than even Naruto could. Maybe Sasuke even somehow sensed what was going to happen to him and gave Sakura that hug. Just giving his thanks before he…

Naruto shook his head over the thoughts. It was just going to depress him all over again. Sasuke was gone and nothing was going to change that. Everyone was having a hard time letting go and, of course, Sakura was hurting the most. After being put through hell, her precious Sasuke was ripped away from her for good. That's when things got really hard. No matter how brightly the sun shown overhead, there was never a break from the rain under her skies. Naturally, Naruto wanted to be her umbrella.

She needed someone to cling to since then. At first, she made it a point to deny everything. Some days she would wait by the gates that he would never return through, hoping to convince herself that he wasn't gone. Meanwhile Naruto was terrified of leaving her alone there. After she was attacked so brutally, he swore there would be no second time. He would protect Sakura at all costs.

They were constantly near each other. When both were stable enough, they began to train together again. The training sessions turned into afternoon tea, which flowed smoothly into supper and eventually bled into stargazing. It was just becoming harder and harder to say goodbye at the end of the day. Both could never be sure if it would be the last time they could see the other's face. Naruto couldn't help but fall further and further in love with her.

But today he blew it.

They were sitting together watching the sunset in what had evolved into a comfortable quiet between the two. It was hard to get Sakura to say anything these days but Naruto was fairly certain she didn't want to hear how painfully deep his feelings were for her. So the empty spaces prevailed.

But something was off today. Something was different about it, or maybe something was different about himself. Sakura was talking softly about something though, as said before, she never really said anything. They were just shallow sounds that fell flatly against his ears. Maybe it was the blood sun dying in the background. Maybe it was the way the wind tugged her loose strands of hair just the right way. Her white noise words were lost to him as he leaned in, softly brushing his lips against hers.

Too stunned to say or do anything, even after he pulled back ever so slightly with his cheeks now flushed...He couldn't help but assume she was okay. He couldn't help but take. Hoping to shrug off his shyness, he kissed her again with a hand firmly holding her chin. Just as her eyes began to flutter shut, they snapped back open right before her hand met gracelessly with his face. With a face set in panic, she stumbled backwards and hoped her breathing would calm.

Oh god…I made her…I made her…

Naruto took off clear in the other direction and didn't stop racing until he slammed his door shut upon reaching home. If he hadn't panicked as badly as he did, he could have at least gotten out an apology before running off. He wasn't entirely sure what made him do such a thing to Sakura, something like what those men did. He never asked her permission. He just did it without taking her feelings into account.

Maybe it was the damn Nine Tails' fault. Something had to be blamed for bringing out such weird feelings in him. Naruto couldn't deny this wasn't the first time he felt so compelled to kiss her. Somehow he knew his body wanted even more than that. Sometimes he'd get that funny feeling lying in bed at night collecting his thoughts. The loneliness that would gnaw away at his insides forced him to think of anything to pass the hours. It would be impossible to try and sleep when you'd rather be slitting your wrists.

The faces of people he knew would tumble through his mind, faces of people he could only wish cared about him just a little. Everything felt so empty. Any shred of kindness didn't even seem real, except for her. The older he got, the more Sakura dominated his thoughts. He knew it was something he shouldn't be doing and his face would burn with shame but that didn't stop his mind or body from reacting. Capable of conjuring imagery in his head that probably rivaled that pervert sennin in vulgarity, his brain had stripped Sakura down of everything save for being a scapegoat for his pain. These twisted thoughts only made the funny feeling spread. His hand would slip beneath the covers and beneath his waistband and he always found it a little easier to fall asleep afterwards. Though it was becoming increasingly difficult to face himself in the mirror every morning.

Now he couldn't face Sakura at all and was left only with the emptiness.

Perhaps he should give more thought to slitting his wrists.

* * *

He finally…

Sakura would be a tremendous liar to say she hadn't seen this coming. This year had robbed her of a great deal of things: her innocence, her happiness, her lov-

Yes. Many things were gone, even if she refused to acknowledge that so much was lost. But through all her pain, Naruto remained faithfully by her side. His patience and devotion made whatever part of her heart that was already torn apart ache inconsolably. No matter where she went or what she did, he blindly followed in hope of shielding her from any further hurt. Today had been no different.

After training, both wandered through their fatigue to find a good spot for watching sunsets. Seated side by side, she let herself prattle on about inane things. Whatever it took to stop those eyes from staring back at her with such intense concern. But Naruto had become surprisingly adept at knowing when she was covering up her hurt. Maybe he knew that her heart was particularly heavy in reminiscing about Sasuke…

Doing the simplest of tasks made her think of him the most. She couldn't recall a time where Sasuke just sat by her side and just watched the sun dip below the horizon. In fact, she was used to saying "I'll see you tomorrow" to his retreating form underneath the dying sunlight. She always wanted to make him stay for just one sunset but never bothered, figuring there would be hundreds of sunsets waiting for them to share together. She was always just waiting for him…

Naruto was watching her rather intensely to the point that almost made her uneasy. She wasn't a complete fool, though. She knew he stopped listening to what she was saying a while ago. She certainly wasn't paying attention to what she said, either. The fact he was a fifteen year-old guy also played a factor. He didn't need to say anything to let her know he was likely having, for lack of a better word, "interesting" thoughts about her this very moment. She was simply going to ignore it, though. It was just Naruto and Naruto would never do anything to her. Of all the silly things he did, he never intentionally hurt her.

Maybe that's why it surprised her so much that he gathered enough courage to kiss her.

It was brief and immensely shy but it didn't feel so bad. But she was just so amazed that he did it that she couldn't say anything. It was when he became a little more daring that her thoughts started to form. He held her chin steady, pressed his lips firmly against hers, and she could feel just how much he wanted her at that very moment. It was a terribly sweet and raw feeling, so very different than the guarded yet hungry feel of Sasuke's mouth against her.

Sasuke-kun!

…Was gone. All she would ever have of him was the memory of their kiss searing her brain. Sasuke was gone and there was nothing left but memories. Surely she could grow to love Naruto in such a way. He certainly had made a home in her heart. Her eyes began to drift close but it was with shut eyes she always found Sharingan staring back at her. Cold and possessive and controlling…The unwanted memory of Itachi against her, around her, within her…The wounds of her heart were ripped asunder as each sensation seemed to burn her skin, especially his lips on hers.

Get away.

Get away.

NO!!!!!!

Her hand lashed out and she propelled her body upward onto shaky limbs, stumbling backwards. Her breath was ragged and it took a moment to assess the situation. She was not in the hotel. Itachi was nowhere in sight. All she could see was Naruto sitting before with blush-stained cheeks and blood flowing from a gash above his eye. She had struck Naruto, who took off before she could force her voice to speak.

How could she have done such a thing? Naruto cared for her on levels she couldn't even name and she hurt him. The cut would heal well enough but she was positive his heart just incurred serious damage. She was well aware of how weak she became as a person since everything fell apart last year. She was clingy and needy and Naruto was trying so desperately to restore her stolen happiness.

But what about Naruto's happiness?

He would never admit how greatly he was hurt by Sasuke's death. In that situation, as well as her own, Naruto felt such terrible guilt. He truly believed he could have saved both of his teammates from the horrors they suffered. Naruto also in many ways felt betrayed when it came to Sasuke, whom he felt didn't even acknowledge Naruto enough to let him help with anything. Naruto was so full of hurt over the loss of his rival and his inability to protect the girl he loved. And yet she still…

Sakura leaned back against the memorial with a sigh. She often came here to gather strength from the Leaf heroes, especially Sasuke. Her fingers didn't dance over his name today, choosing instead to wander over the item in her pocket. Kakashi felt if anyone should have Sasuke's forgotten forehead protector, it should be her. It immediately became her most prized possession, though she was saddened further by the fact that Sasuke died without anything to identify him as a Konoha shinobi. He never once said it but she knew he held a certain amount of pride in the village that trained him.

The fireflies started to dot the air around her, a signal that she needed to make up her mind now. It was time for her to let go for real now and it hurt immensely. There was nothing to betray, as all she held of Sasuke was bittersweet thoughts. Their kiss held her captive a year later but it was truly goodbye now. Her heart would now have to offer what little was left to the one who was still here to love her.

Her feet carried her towards Naruto's home with a heart heavier than it should have felt. She never even noticed Hinata when racing by through the streets.

* * *

It was bizarre to see Sakura without Naruto right next to her. They had become inseparable over this past year, this difficult year. It only served to prove there was no place for Hinata in Naruto's life, not that there ever was one to begin with. To be perfectly honest, she had hardly spoken a word to him since that day…the day the news about Sasuke arrived. What could she possibly say to comfort Naruto? She knew very little about Sasuke, as he chose to keep to himself. Sakura was obviously the best choice, since she spent the most time with both boys. Naruto would need Sakura and Sakura needed Naruto. They would be happier together.

Naruto never even came looking for her over this past year so it was obvious she didn't matter to him. Not that he would have had much luck, anyway. Hinata completely immersed herself in training and, while only becoming a chuunin just before turning fourteen, she recently succeeded in becoming a jounin. Since she was so absolutely silent by nature, her added strength from working so hard made her lethal. As far as she knew, she was the first from her graduating class to receive the status. Plus it kept her so completely distracted from thinking all the time that she didn't have time to let her confidence falter. One false move and everybody's dead. She needed that kind of challenge to keep her mind off everything else but the missions.

It certainly lessened the harassment she usually received from her father, at any rate.

It was a little lonely, though, without Kiba and Shino there anymore. But they were both so proud of her. In fact, she just returned from a mission and was going to see Kiba right now; yet another step further away from Naruto. Kiba was good to her and she did care about him. Surely she could learn to fall in love with him. His personality was very similar to Naruto's in a lot of ways.

So now they met up with each other and the evening just blended together in her head. She was pretty sure they held up some kind of conversation, which was the normal he talked/she listened. She never was very good at talking. But the way his eyes lit up while watching her was burned into her mind. He really was just happy to see her again and talk to her. It was really quite flattering.

That's why she would let him kiss her.

Nighttime was a grand thing. Both came from very important families in their village, Hinata especially. Her father would be furious if she were caught doing something like this. Slipping in the alley behind the shops and away from the lanterns illuminating the streets, no one could see them and she liked it that way. She hated being seen. In the dark, she could barely find Kiba. All she could do was feel his mouth hungry against hers, making her heart ache.

"I missed you," he murmured in her ear, tracing her jaw with his lips. She managed to blink back the tears, willing them away. Being a jounin trained her to hide her emotions with greater ease but this was hard. She wanted so desperately to give all of her heart to him but her silly emotions for Naruto made it nearly impossible. Why couldn't she just let go?

Kiba had drawn her coat open and his hands were rough and possessive, yet sweet at the same time. He really liked her so very much so why was she being so unresponsive? His fingers moved against her skin and now over her chest. This was when she pushed him away, face flushed.

"Sorry," she murmured.

"Too fast?" Kiba didn't seem too put off by this.

"I-" Hinata wasn't good with words and found it easier to nod. Kiba gave her a reassuring smile and she could feel her heart breaking. "Okay then. I can wait." That was all well and good, but Hinata wasn't entirely sure she would ever be ready to give him that. Why couldn't she have fallen in love with him instead!?

The thunder rumbled overhead and swallowed up all her thoughts.

* * *

Thunder was roaring and the sky was drowning her but all of that was of little consequence.

This was it. This was goodbye. The beginning of the rest of her life started right here, right now. From here on, there was no turning back. She raised her fist and pounded hard against the door.

* * *

Who the hell was knocking? The only person that ever came by was Iruka-sensei. He stumbled over to the door with his head bowed. He really wanted to be left alone right now…He let the door swing open and was shocked beyond speech to find a drenched Sakura waiting on the other side.

"Can I come in?" Please say yes. Oh please, please, please say yes. Naruto opened the door a little wider to grant her entrance.

There's no other way. This is my choice. Goodbye, Sasuke-kun.

Naruto barely got the door shut before Sakura's arms wound around his neck and her mouth was moving against his. His eyes grew impossibly large and he couldn't hide the noise of surprise that snuck out his throat. After stumbling backwards a few steps, he was the one with his back against the wall while she was curved against him. That odd feeling was roaring through his blood and any surprise or protests he planned on making known were rapidly fading into memory.

His touches were shy and a little clumsy but that was mostly what made Naruto so endearing. He lived a little more awkwardly than most but his feelings were as true as they came. He was such a sweet boy and had treated her with such great care. Things would work out. It was painful but she couldn't live in mourning forever. This was the way things were so she had to make the best of it. Besides, from the feel of it, Naruto was thrilled to have her finally show him affection. If nothing else, she was certainly good at drawing out a man's sex drive. She could be so pathetic.

This is Sakura-chan?

Naruto tried to recall memories of her from their time at the Academy days, days when Sakura seemed so pure. But those questioning thoughts were quickly halted and tossed aside in favor of the here and now. The feel of her in cool, damp clothing against his flushed body was even making the ends of his hair tingle. Now Naruto, being Naruto, worked best on instinct and just let his body figure out what came next. His hands found their way to her hips and gave her a good shove forward. Needless to say, he was caught by surprise by the pleasure that followed.

Sakura almost wanted to laugh at him. It was so cute to watch the expressions on his face as he learned little by little just exactly what was going on. She was pretty sure that he'd probably received very little, if any, information on the facts of life so all of this must be pretty new to him. He didn't seem to notice his jacket as she dropped it to the floor, before pressing herself flush against him with her tongue twining with his. Even going about this blindly, Naruto's fingers somehow found their way beneath her skirt and that's when she froze.

Always haunting her. She couldn't feel Naruto's hand between her thighs, she felt Itachi's. It was Itachi's body against her. It was Itachi's tongue in her mouth.

With a startled yelp, she staggered backwards before collapsing to the ground with her hands winding nervously in her hair. "I didn't want-Oh god-He-" The tears were beginning to brew.

What have I done?

He hurt Sakura. He did something bad and now she would hate him. That feeling that dominated his lonely hours was clouding his thoughts and he couldn't find the right words to apologize. But why was she even making him feel like this when she was actually here? Normally it only got this bad when he was by himself so he couldn't be feeling lonely when Sakura was right next to him.

So even with her touch, he was still alone.

"I didn't mean to-" Naruto began. Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me alone here. Sakura's head snapped up, her tears halting as she stared at him with utter disbelief.

Naruto thinks it's his fault?

"Why are you apologizing?" her voice sounded more hysterical than she expected it to, "You did nothing wrong."

"But just now…" Why was Sakura lying to him? He could see plain and simple that he was the one who upset her.

"Just now…I remembered some bad things," did she really have the courage to say this? "Things that man did to me and I just couldn't make the thoughts go away."

Naruto didn't look convinced. Actually, it looked like he wanted to cry more than she did. She beckoned for him to come to her and after a great deal of hesitation he complied. Sakura quickly pulled him into a tight embrace, despite how much that seemed to unnerve Naruto. "I want this, Naruto," she whispered in his ear softly, "I really want us to work. But all those memories keep-"

"Then we don't have to do the things that make you sad," Naruto decided, "I won't hurt you." Sakura nodded and the two let the silence descend. They would simply have to take it nice and slow. Everything would work itself out. She would be able to get past what she did with Itachi…And she would…

She could let Sasuke go for good.

She had no other choice.

* * *

He was always listless at times like these. With a sigh, Yanagi rolled off him and onto her side. This kid was a complete mixture of paradoxes. He would be so quiet but she managed to annoy him enough from time to time, just enough to have a decent bickering match every now and then. Whenever they came across an enemy, the passion leaking through every step towards his goal was one of the more intense feelings she could remember experiencing. She tried to distract him now and then. Tried to take away the negative feelings that would pour into the curse. But when she tried to coax him into any sort of physical intimacy, she knew he wasn't really there anymore. It was, of all things, starting to worry her. And she was not one for worrying.

"She must be a tough act to follow."

"What are you talking about?" he asked blandly before lighting a cigarette. She felt something akin to a grin threatening when she thought about what a bad influence she was on him.

"The girl you left back home. Must give good head, or something," Yanagi replied nonchalantly.

"She wasn't like that-" he growled, "There wasn't anyone back there." Great, he really dug a hole for himself now.

"You better tell me her name this time. No bullshit." She was very, very good at letting people know she wasn't fucking around. It's been a year and he still wouldn't talk about her.

"It's nothing like you're thinking about," Sasuke answered with a certain hint of disgust, "There was just this girl." Yanagi raised an eyebrow at him and he vaguely felt like a trapped animal. He'd been witness to a couple of her interrogations. They weren't pretty. "Sakura…Her name was Sakura."

It had taken a whole damn year but she finally got the kid to say her name. That had to be a step in the right direction. Must really be missing her tonight. "You fuck her?"

Oh, that brought out a scowl.

"She wasn't my girlfriend."

"That's not what I asked you."

She should probably go about this a little nicer than she was. He looked like he was two seconds from lashing out at her. Not that it mattered. They both knew she was stronger. With a resigned sigh, he forced himself to continue. "I didn't sleep with her…The curse seal tried to make me…but I didn't."

"Oh, it was just the curse seal?"

His eyes had the special talent of becoming as sharp and piercing as a kunai. Though she could tell his mind was still thinking about the girl. The boy may be a virgin but he and the girl weren't strangers in any regard. Well the best way to teach a lesson was to be blunt about things. After all, she was teaching this boy how to live without a pride. Silly things like that got in the way of things. Especially for someone with a curse. Her hand went beneath the fabric and wrapped around him and he sat up with a gasp. "And I'm sure this is the curse seal's fault, too…She must've been a pretty lil thing to get you this eager."

His cheeks were burning with shame and he had the sense of mind to smack her good for this one, no matter how much he may have respected Yanagi otherwise. She kept him alive. She was great at keeping the seal in check, usually telling him he'd be sleeping out in the rain if he stayed all "splotchy," as she put it. She was supremely gifted in so many ways when it came to just living. Maybe that's why he hadn't yelled at her yet.

She was a complete idiot to think Sakura had that much power over him, though. She didn't. Their kiss was irrelevant. She was out of his life, never to be seen again. He had Yanagi and without her he had no chance of surviving the hell of hunting down Itachi. That was enough.

"You can think about her instead." Sasuke was caught by surprise when she said that and gave her the opportunity to straddle his lap. "Just close your eyes and pretend I'm her."

She was a complete and total moron. He wasn't thinking about Sakura. He wouldn't think about Sakura. It was her damn fault for reminding him of her in the first place. Though with his eyes closed, her bare skin against his didn't feel so unlike Sakura's. And when he was inside her, he absently wondered if this is what it would feel like if Sakura were surrounding him instead.

* * *

Even when the years would pass, Naruto could swear she didn't see him. Having Sakura spread out beneath him while offering her sweet kisses, she was always looking through him. Beyond him. Beyond the village. Across the forest and over the mountains and above the sky and beyond the moon to wherever Sasuke was now. Her heart was just so full already. Never for Naruto.

Always for him.

To be continued…