Naruto Shippuden Fan Fiction / Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ The Preferable Path to Perfection is You ❯ Yin and Yang ( Chapter 8 )

Disclaimer: The characters, items, places etc of Naruto are property of Masashi Kishimoto. These objects are used without permission for entertainment only, not for making money. No infringement is intended.

Chapter 8: Yin and Yang

Itachi blamed his sleep deprived brain. He'd blame Deidara but for once he had nothing to do with this stupid decision.

No, Itachi himself had quite willingly decided to attend college despite his high stress levels and lack of sleep. Deidara had tried to convince him otherwise, but Itachi explained once again about his perfect attendance record and the other had given up trying to argue against him.

He was alert. He would thank the coffee he'd been grudgingly drinking for it, but he knew the real reason was the splitting headache, dizziness and nausea that he was attempting to bite back.

It was very difficult to want to fall asleep when you were more worried about either passing out or throwing up, after all. The painkillers he'd taken earlier had well and truly worn off and he hadn't thought to take any more to college with him.

He tapped a pen lightly on the desk as a distraction, glancing at the clock on the wall with an irritated sigh as he put an elbow on the table and leaned his face against his hand. Half past nine? Was that all?

Would his classmates be too shocked if he asked to get some fresh air? Probably, he reasoned. Should he care about that? Probably not. Did he care? Well, of course he did, and it kept him at his desk. He pushed his fingers to the corners of his eyes and willed the thudding in his head away.

"Itachi?"

He pulled his hand away, feeling all eyes on the room fall to him. He looked up at the teacher, raising a perfect eyebrow in question with no trace of the emotion he had been feeling on his face.

"Are you alright? You don't look very well today."

"I'm fine," Itachi answered smoothly, his voice leaving no room to argue. Cover the cracks and pretend they weren't there- he was fine. He was.

The teacher seemed satisfied with the answer, turning his attention away but there were still some eyes on him. Gazing at him- judging him? Seeing through his facade and seeing the imperfect layers beneath the surface?

He closed his eyes, trying to still the paranoid thoughts before they broke him into pieces before them all- he needed to sleep. He was almost feeling proud of himself for allowing such a small victory over his thoughts.

As much as he wanted to, he could hardly put his head down on the desk and sleep. The teacher might not be able to overlook a fault of that level and would have to scold him- it would create a conflict in the guy's mind about why faultless little Uchiha Itachi was exhibiting signs of imperfection in his classroom.

Perfect. Itachi had found himself absolutely despising that word recently.

He mentally snapped himself back to reality, forcing himself to look in the direction of the teacher and at least look like he was listening. A quick glance around told him he was no longer being watched, which he was thankful for as he took a couple of deep breaths and calmed his racing heart.

He just had to get through this one class and then he could go home and sleep, he told himself. Only deep down he knew it wasn't true- as he'd told Deidara countless times he'd never taken a day off sick, he'd never skipped a single class- he'd never been anything but one hundred percent perfect in attendance so taking a sick day was impossible.

How had he even allowed this to happen? Going to sometimes ridiculous lengths to stay the perfect being he knew couldn't exist? Perhaps it would have been easier to blend into the shadows of the people around him and just have allowed himself to make mistakes right from the start.

He closed his eyes tightly, aware that he needed to get out of the room. His heart was racing and he was struggling to stop himself from breathing heavily to control the overwhelming nausea- it was being made worse by panic, and the panic was caused by the idea he might have to leave in the first place. It was just one big circle and he needed to break it.

Of course, he couldn't bring himself to raise his hand- he could have cried right then, audience to it be damned. He ran a hand up into his hair, clutching at it, tearing at it, mussing the tied ponytail as he did so. Imperfect.

He needed Deidara.

It was a sudden thought and he couldn't push it away. He needed Deidara.

"Itachi...?"

He glanced up with wide eyes, hand halting mid-tug on his hair as he did so.

"You're very pale," the teacher said, looking concerned. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"I need air," Itachi spoke, his voice tight. People were looking! They were looking, damn it! They could see the cracks, the flaws, and they would see he wasn't perfect. Perfect. Perfect!

"Go on," the teacher nodded, indicating the door. "If it doesn't make you feel any better, go home. Take care, Itachi."

Itachi grabbed his bag and practically ran from the room, closing the door behind him and leaning back against it. He was gasping for breath- blind panic ringing in his ears and making him feel as though he was dying, prompting him to bite it down and fixate on the lights on the ceiling to bring himself back to normal.

When he'd recovered enough that he felt he could walk he took off, his body moving almost by itself towards the art department. Which room would Deidara be in? He would be in the middle of a lesson- could Itachi really pull him out of it to satisfy his own petty need for comfort?

Once he was in the right place he glanced through each open door, hoping to find Deidara in one. He had no idea how he was going to get him out of the class, but as he checked another open classroom he was thankful to realise he didn't have to worry.

Deidara was in the classroom where they had first met, alone with the door open as he washed some brushes out at the sink. The radio was on in the background, low enough to be heard but not loud enough to be obnoxious, set to a generic pop station. Itachi stepped into the room, closing the door gently behind him.

Deidara turned at the sound, looking curiously at his new visitor. "Itachi? Shouldn't you be in class?"

When he didn't get a reply Deidara frowned, drying his hands and flicking off the radio. Padding across the room, his curiosity turned to concern as he noticed just how on edge and panicked Itachi was as he clawed nervously at the wall next to him.

"Are you alright?"

"Fine."

Itachi had spoken, and he hadn't fallen to pieces doing so. He was rather proud of the effort that had taken but then again, he was perfect. Of course he was capable of keeping his emotions in check even at the most inopportune times, even if his treacherous hand was giving him away.

He dropped his bag on the floor, heading to one of the worn, long desks and hopping up on top of it. He was going to sleep, he told himself, right there on the solid wooden table. Would it be considered imperfect to do so? He almost slipped off of it again and rethought the idea, stopped only by Deidara's hand on his shoulder.

"Itachi..."

Itachi roughly shrugged his hand off, lying down on his side and resting his head on his arm. He brought his loose hand up to his hair, gliding his fingers through it in a steady rhythm in an attempt to stop himself from breaking.

Fingers in, glide through, remove; keeping in time with his shaky breathing. Twisted yet perfect.

"Go and work," Itachi told Deidara quietly when he realised he was simply staring at him. Deidara hesitated before stepping away to the easel he had been working on, picking up his pencil with a concerned look in his eyes.

Despite how tired he was Itachi still couldn't fall straight to sleep, feeling exposed and vulnerable. Deidara was studying him just a little too intently, clearly disinterested in his work.

"I'm not perfect," he found him uttering.

Deidara put the pencil down immediately and stepped back over to him, jumping up onto the desk next to him once more.

"What's going on?"

"I'm not perfect," Itachi repeated, looking up at him with anguished eyes.

Deidara didn't answer, still sitting wordlessly at Itachi's side with his hands clasped together tightly. He finally broke the gaze and trained his eyes to the floor, looking subdued.

"I-"

Itachi stopped himself from repeating the words once more, feeling a tear track silently down the side of his face as he closed his eyes to the blur he'd been trying to ignore. He left it- a sign of his imperfection. Was Deidara going to walk away and leave him there now he was flawed, he wondered?

"So what?"

Deidara had finally spoken, and he hadn't said what Itachi had been expecting.

"It's just a word," Deidara continued. "It only means what you want it to."

"Don't you care?"

Deidara laughed slightly at that, slipping down off of the desk. Itachi guessed as he walked away that he was attempting to show that his sudden breakdown could be considered completely normal and wasn't disturbing him in any way.

"Itachi," Deidara said softly once he was back at the easel with his pencil in hand. "I like you more when you're imperfect, yeah."

He paused, clearly wondering whether to add something- he put the pencil back to paper, nodding as he chose to speak. "It's like beautiful art. It's raw- why would I care?"

Itachi couldn't bring himself to respond, running a hand across the side of his face to dry the stray tears and exhaling shakily. The classroom door was unlocked. He figured it probably didn't even have a lock. Deidara was there. There were so many reasons to keep himself together and yet he failed.

"Deidara," he spoke, his voice hitching as he did so.

It was a request. He had only spoken his name but it was a clear appeal for comfort. Deidara practically dropped the pencil he was holding and stepped over to Itachi, sitting back on the table next to him and laying a gentle hand on his side.

"I'll stay."

Itachi was unsure whether he meant he would stay by his side, stay in the room, or even whether he meant he'd stay his friend- it was the confirmation he needed to finally let go as he wept brokenly into the crook of his arm.

Deidara did as he promised, staying right where he was with one hand poised on Itachi's side. He said nothing and did nothing, but it was enough. It was all Itachi needed.

He awoke to Deidara nudging his shoulder gently, looking apologetic as he did so. Itachi glanced up at him with half-lidded eyes, trying to adjust to the light. His eyes were dry and sore and he realised with a start he'd been sleeping with his contacts in. He held a hand up to them, blinking steadily to try and get some moisture back in them.

"The contacts, yeah?"

Itachi nodded as he hopped off of the table and headed for one of the sinks in the room, grabbing his bag as he went. He hoped he had spare lenses- it wouldn't be horrific if he didn't as his vision was good enough to see without them, but he'd be hopeless at attempting to study anything.

He cupped the water delicately in his palm, leaning over the sink as he doused his eyes and removed the lenses. Deidara had joined his side, looking mildly concerned.

"I'll be fine," Itachi told him, staying leant over the sink for a moment as he blinked the excess water from his itchy eyes.

"Are you feeling better now?"

The question was spoken in low, careful tones as though Deidara was convinced it was a sin to ask. Itachi stayed where he was, not answering nor turning to meet his eye. He didn't have an answer to that because he was desperately trying to convince himself that what had happened was just a dream.

"Why wouldn't I be?" He asked airily.

"You didn't dream crying all over the table, yeah."

So much for that idea.

"I was tired," Itachi explained, finally pulling himself away from the sink and turning his attention to his bag. "I suppose it got the better of me."

Deidara sighed wearily. "I know- it's not easy being perfect is it? Sometimes you actually experience human emotion- what a bitch, yeah."

Itachi didn't like the sound of that tone, glancing across finally as he zipped his bag back up. He didn't have any spare contacts and since he wouldn't normally be caught dead in his frames, he didn't have those either.

Going home to retrieve either would result in him simply going to bed, thus creating his first skipped day in his memory. He wasn't fond of that idea.

Why was Deidara angry? He was definitely not pleased, leaning back against the wall next to him with pursued lips and a look in his eye Itachi had never seen before.

"I've learnt a lot about you despite you attempting to hide yourself, yeah," Deidara spoke after a tense silence. "I've learnt you're so scared of being shown in an imperfect light that you'll do almost anything to make sure that isn't so."

"What's your point?" Itachi sniped back, aware he was probably being a little bit petty about the whole thing but too tired and fed up to care.

"You're Uchiha Itachi," Deidara replied simply. "Uchiha Itachi doesn't seek people out to get their comfort while they cry. Uchiha Itachi doesn't cry in the first place because he's oh so fucking perfect."

Itachi was really beginning to dislike that tone.

"So forgive me for not believing that you were simply just tired, because both you and I know that you're a liar, yeah. If you don't want to talk, fine, but don't lie to me about it. You've been doing it all morning and I've had enough of it."

Deidara glared at him one last time before stomping away to the door, pulling it open and slamming it loudly behind him. Itachi watched him go, wincing at the loud bang and sighing in defeat. He was definitely going to go home, he decided, and he was going to sleep for a week when he got there.

Deidara was sitting by his car. Itachi's gaze didn't waver as they locked eyes- of course he was. He rarely went back to his own home anymore, so where else was he going to be?

"I'm sorry I yelled at you, yeah," Deidara offered as he pulled himself up, holding a hand of apology out to Itachi. Itachi took it and accepted the handshake he was given before opening the car door.

"It doesn't matter," he replied evenly, getting in and waiting patiently as Deidara faltered with one hand on the door handle on the passenger side.

"Do you mind?" He eventually asked once he had the door open.

"Get in, Deidara," Itachi sighed, putting one hand lightly to his temple. The headache was returning and he didn't want to sit in the college car park arguing when he could be going home to either sleep it off or get painkillers.

The drive home was quiet except for the sound of the radio- neither of them spoke over it and neither desired to. Itachi was having problems concentrating as it was without additional conversation, thankful when he pulled up outside his home and could mentally switch off a little.

He hesitated for a moment in the hall once inside before deciding that yes, he was going to go and lie down whether Deidara took it as him being impolite or not.

"Are you going to go to sleep?"

"Probably," Itachi replied, heading to the bedroom as he spoke. Deidara was after him in an instant, taking his arm and guiding him carefully. Itachi let himself be led, feeling a little confused but allowing it to happen anyway.

"You're worrying me," Deidara told him simply, once he had guided him to the end of the bed and sat down with him. "I didn't mean to get angry. I just wish you'd be more open with me, yeah."

"I'll be fine," Itachi reassured him. "I'm stressed right now, that's all."

"Being perfect is a lot of hard work I suppose." Deidara echoed his earlier statement, getting up and seating himself at Itachi's desk instead. The bitter tone he'd used before was back as well, leaving Itachi feeling slightly hollow and hurt for reasons he couldn't explain.

"Yes it is," he snapped lightly before he could stop himself. "Do you honestly think I enjoy trying to live like this?"

Deidara's eyes snapped up to him, giving him an equally void look in response. "If you don't you use up a lot of energy trying, yeah."

"I'm like this because my father decided to instil the value of perfection equalling affection when I was a child," Itachi continued, keeping his firm gaze on Deidara.

"He praised me and rewarded me with his time when I did well. As a child I quickly learnt that getting Daddy's attention was a rarity that happened only when I excelled at something. Getting my mother's attention off of Sasuke was impossible after all, so I had to rely on him for validation."

Deidara wasn't the only one who could be bitter- he could practically taste it on his tongue as he spoke.

"The reason my brother and I live in nice places and have money is being our father gives it to us," he carried on. "He did it for me because I continued to do well, and I made sure he extended the same bargain to Sasuke. Unfortunately, Sasuke recently rebelled and as a result our father took away his income leaving him attempting to take his exams as well as working part time to pay the rent."

"If I rebel then he'll do the same to me regardless of his favouritism. I'll have to quit college to pay the bills, and if I quit college not only will I be giving up something I enjoy, but it will be disappointing my father's image of me. The thought of doing that actually makes me feel physically sick. In short- I have mental issues I can't shift no matter how much I tell myself now that it doesn't matter. Do you get it now?"

Deidara simply stared at Itachi as he took a deep breath, visibly trembling after his outburst. "Itachi," he said, frowning slightly. "If all you wanted was a hug from someone, you only had to ask, yeah."

Itachi's eyes widened and he picked up the pillow next to him, launching it at Deidara. "You idiot," he spat at him, but his voice lacked malice.

To his horror, it wasn't the only thing his voice lacked- his usual calm tone was replaced by one he didn't recognise, shaky and thick with sorrow. He laid back on the bed, curling up defensively as Deidara sat down beside him.

"It makes sense now," he said quietly. "Thank you for telling me that. Can I give you some outsider's insight, yeah?"

"If it's to tell my father where to go Sasuke already told me that," Itachi muttered, slightly muffled as he buried his face in his arms.

"No," Deidara shook his head, reaching out and nudging Itachi's hair from his face. "Look at me?"

Itachi shifted so he was looking up at Deidara, averting his focus after a second or two. His eyes weren't dry enough to make contact with as far as he was concerned.

"Even if you do make mistakes you're still perfect," Deidara explained softly. "Because you're considerate and polite and you're a much kinder person than you give yourself credit for. You're patient and caring- these are all important qualities in a person, yeah."

He paused, narrowing his eyes in thought. "What do you think about the idea of blood on snow?"

"Are you trying to speak in metaphors again?" Itachi finally asked after a moment's thought, unsure where the conversation was headed and too tired to think straight about it.

"Blood on snow is tainted beauty," Deidara explained. "But it doesn't make the snow any less striking." He reached out, trailing a thumb across Itachi's damp face and collecting tears before holding his hand out.

"This is blood," he continued so softly Itachi barely heard him, rubbing the tips of his fingers together. "And you're the snow."

Itachi blinked a few times, his hand cupping the skin Deidara had just stroked.

"I think my artistic eye is going to get me trouble one day," Deidara remarked after a moment, sighing and moving back to the desk chair. "I say it how I see it, though. I'm trying to say you're still a 'perfect' person, even if you occasionally screw up or cry or whatever, yeah."

"It sounded like you were trying to call me beautiful," Itachi responded, finally pulling himself up to a sitting position and exhaling as he ran his hands across his face to dry it.

Deidara shrugged. "Whatever you want to think, yeah."

"Beautiful is a really girly term, Deidara."

"Speaking of girly, I have a solution for you," Deidara beamed, flashing him a brilliant smile. "In order to help you, you need to start changing people's view of you. I'm not saying flunk a bunch of exams- you can still keep up the perfect grades. Just... Show people you aren't predictable and their perceptions of you will eventually change so if you do make a mistake, no-one will really notice."

"Where does the girly part come into it?" Itachi asked, almost dreading the answer.

Deidara grinned at him once more, getting up. "Come and sit in this chair," he explained. "And you'll see."

"Do you have a mirror?"

"Only the one on the bathroom wall."

"Go and take a look, yeah."

Itachi did as instructed, leaving the room and pushing the aforementioned door open. Deidara stood at his side as he stepped over to the mirror, looking awfully pleased with himself.

His hair was tied up at the top of his head rather like Deidara's own half ponytail, but lower. Deidara had left his bangs to frame his face, leaving the change a very simple one- a high ponytail instead of a low one.

"It's looks different," he eventually said, holding a hand up to it.

"Different isn't always bad, yeah."

"I'm not convinced."

"Just wear it like sometimes," Deidara told him. "People will look at you but it's a simple change and it won't change their image of perfection, yeah."

"I suppose not..."

"Be glad I'm not taking you out to get a piercing or tattoo," Deidara told him firmly. "At least you can take the tie out whenever you want."

"Next you'll be taking me to strip bars and claiming it's a change," Itachi replied, tugging slightly at the tie. It was pulling on his scalp and giving him a mild headache- there was a reason he usually wore his tie loosely.

"I would but you don't seem interested in the opposite gender, yeah."

"What makes you say that?" Itachi asked, whipping around and getting a smack from the tail end of his hair for his trouble.

"You don't have a girlfriend."

"No I don't," Itachi uttered softly. His heart was pounding and he almost halted his own words, but he let them come. "You're right- I'm not interested in girls. Guys on the other hand..."

Deidara laughed at that, nudging him lightly. "See, you've lightened up already! It's nice to see you joke around, yeah."

Itachi looked skyward, about ready to hit the idiot for being dense once again with this hint. "Deidara," he said quietly, turning to leave the room. "I'm not joking."

Deidara stared at him for a moment as Itachi left, recovering and following intently. He tugged on Itachi's arm lightly to halt him, succeeding and earning a raised eyebrow for his trouble.

"Thanks for telling me that," Deidara said sincerely, giving him a smile. "You're opening up to me. I appreciate that, yeah."

Itachi gave him a tiny smile back, thankful the confession hadn't been rejected or questioned as he continued his walk to the living room. "What did you have planned for the afternoon?"

"I think you could do with just relaxing," Deidara suggested.

"Sounds good to me," Itachi shrugged. "I'll have an early night and try to have a better day tomorrow."

It was only when they were in the kitchen making much needed coffee did Deidara speak again.

"Itachi? If you get a boyfriend, make sure he knows he has to share you with me, yeah?"

Itachi forced himself to keep calm as he poured the boiling water from the kettle- his mind was already going into overdrive at the implications of such a statement.

"I'll keep that in mind," he said smoothly.

Even if Deidara didn't feel the same way, he clearly valued Itachi highly. The day that had begun so terribly had really begun to look up- for the first time in his memory, Itachi felt like dancing.

Chapter End