Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Ah My Goddess Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction / Love Hina Fan Fiction / Chobits Fan Fiction / Star Ocean (All Series) Fan Fiction ❯ Anime Assassinations: Quest for Chicks ❯ Attempt 01 - Tenchi Muyo! ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Disclaimer: I do not own the various series portrayed in this work of fiction. I don't feel like naming them all, but suffice to say there are a lot of them, and you'll know them when you see them. And I'll spare you the "please don't sue me, for I am but a poor urchin" routine. Not only is trying to sue me for doing the same thing hundreds, possibly even thousands, of people do on a much grander scale an exercise in futility, bit I seriously doubt that the owners of the series in question bother to read any fanfiction. I'm sure they're too busy counting the money that they made off the series in the first place. HOWEVER... The characters of Black Seventeen and Sanyasi are mine, and should not be used by anyone else without permission of the author. (That would be me, by the way, for those of you keeping score at home.) Also, the story itself is property of the author (that's me) and may not be reproduced or used in any way without permission from the author (that's me). And so, with all the obligatory legal mumbo-jumbo comfortably behind us, let's all just sit back and enjoy the show...


BLACK SEVENTEEN'S OFFICE

A spotlight filled the center of the otherwise darkened room. A strange shimmering could be seen as mysterious forces set events in motion. The form of a human began to take shape. From the blur of light morphed an ominous black trench coat. Then, a tall, black-haired man began to fill it. His dark gray boots came up to his knees. His sunglasses glinted in the light. His black gloved hands clutched a pair of custom pistols. His long hair was clenched into a ponytail. The shimmering dissipated, leaving only the man standing in the spotlight.
Another spotlight turned on, larger, encompassing a writing desk and a man sitting behind a computer. He smiled devilishly at the sight of the man in black.
"Good, it worked. It's good to see you well, Sanyasi."
Sanyasi raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me? Who in hell are you?"
A deep voice rumbled, "Sanyasi... I am your father."
Sanyasi's eyebrow came down. "Bullshit."
"I know," the man behind the desk said in his normal voice. "I just really wanted to say that. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Black Seventeen." He rose from his seat and gave a dignified bow.
Sanyasi crossed his arms. "Get to the point where I should care."
"Ah, yes, you are as cold as when I first created you," Black Seventeen said with satisfaction. "You are the perfect person to undertake my missions."
"Missions?" Sanyasi asked. "What the hell are you talking about? And why should I help you?" Sanyasi turned on his heels and walked away, the spotlight following him. He kept walking, but found the room to be unending. He traced a large circle about the office, looking for a door, or a wall, or a chair; anything. As well as being exceedingly large, it was also apparently featureless. Sanyasi stopped when he found himself again across from Black Seventeen's desk, who smiled smugly. "Alright, smart-ass, where's the damn door?"
"I didn't write one in," he replied.
Sanyasi raised his eyebrow again. "Didn't write one in?" he echoed. "What the hell is going on here?"
Black Seventeen leaned back in his chair. "You see, Sanyasi, this is all my creation, including you. I am a fanfic writer. And, as a fanfic writer, I have divine power over this world. If I so choose, I can write any series of events I desire."
"Fanfic this!" Sanyasi shouts. He raises one of his pistols to Black Seventeen's head and pulls the trigger. A metallic click echoes through the room.
Black Seventeen chuckled. "I didn't write you any bullets. Right now, you are under my complete control. You are bound by my powers to serve me. Just remember, I created you; I can destroy you, too. Don't forget that little incident on the roof of the Zaibatsu's headquarters. I did that. And I can do something a thousand times worse if I wanted to. Play by my rules, and I can write you anything you need. Refuse and... well, I strongly suggest you don't refuse."
Sanyasi reluctantly shoved his pistols into their holsters. He sighed irritatedly. "Alright... what do you want from me?"
Black Seventeen leaned forward in his chair. "I have been watching anime for quite some time," he began. "And in my experiences, I have noticed a disturbing trend. It seems to me that a large portion of male leads are, to speak in the vernacular, dorks. Still, they seem to attract multitudes of gorgeous anime women. Meanwhile, individuals like myself are unable to get a date to save their lives. It is my firm belief that the allocation of these ungodly-beautiful anime women to these undeserving saps is a travesty, and must be corrected. Sanyasi, as the coolest original character that I have ever created, I have charged you with the elimination of these anime dorks, so that I may acquire their undeserved love interests."
Sanyasi stared back at Black Seventeen for several moments. He finally broke the silence with, "Are you on drugs, or are you just completely insane?"
"I can assure you I'm not on drugs," Black Seventeen replied. "Anyway, your job is simple: infiltrate these animes and eliminate the male lead. I will use my powers of fanfiction to insert you into these universes, and provide you with the materials needed to complete your task."
"How is it that you think you'll acquire these women if you exist in a different universe?" Sanyasi asked.
"That's the beauty of self-insertion," Black Seventeen revealed. "Once the male lead is out of the picture, I can insert myself into a story and move in on all the women. With no one to stop me, it would actually be quite simple. And, using my powers of fanfiction, I can shape my self-insertion to be just about anything I want."
"Well, that's all well and good," Sanyasi said, "but wouldn't it be easier to eliminate these characters yourself, using the powers of fanfiction?"
"And get flamed?!" Black Seventeen shouted back in outrage. "Though these characters may be dorks they still, believe it or not, have a fan base. If I destroyed them myself, I'd get inundated with nasty e-mails from rabid fangirls the world over! They, alas, I have no power over. That's why I've chosen you to eliminate these characters. The flamers would direct their anger at you, the original character, and away from me. Since you exist in a different universe, you would be unaffected by this caustic hate mail."
"Very well," Sanyasi said. "Then use your fanfiction to give me godlike powers, and I guarantee I will not fail."
"I'm afraid that that, too, is out of the question. You see, if I make you radically more powerful than any of the canon characters in any given universe, you will be deemed an avatar, and again I will be inundated with flames. As well, you yourself would lose all credibility and would be ridiculed. Or, worse yet, you may be subjected to a MSTing."
"A... MSTing?" Sanyasi questioned.
"The worst outcome for any original character," Black Seventeen explained solemnly. "A fate worse than death. Another fanfic writer would use his or her powers to make you look like a fool, and myself look worse. After being MSTed, it is impossible for a character to ever recover. You would be doomed to float aimlessly on the back pages of archives, never to be heard from again."
"I see," Sanyasi said thoughtfully. "So, these missions will be difficult?"
"In some cases, yes. However, some should be a walk in the park for you. Regardless, I'll be helping you along the way as much as I can. Here, take this." Black Seventeen tossed Sanyasi a cell phone. "Use this if you need anything from me. And I'll call you with important mission updates."
Sanyasi put the cell phone in an inner pocket of his jacket. "Well, since you're calling the shots, who's first on your list of dorks?"
"Well, this is your first assignment, so I wanted to give you something close to home. His was the first case I came across where I felt the distribution of women was lopsided. And, to top it all off, it turns out the guy's some kind of prince. In my mind, that's just adding insult to injury. Now, it's his turn to be injured. Your first assignment is the assassination of Tenchi Masaki!

SOMEWHERE IN THE OKAYAMA COUNTRYSIDE

By way of Black Seventeen's powers of fanfiction, Sanyasi suddenly found himself standing in the middle of a forest. Before he could ponder exactly how he got there, his cell phone rang. He answered, finding Black Seventeen on the other end.
"Despite the fact that you've been in this particular universe before, I'm supposing you have no idea what Tenchi looks like," he said. "In the left pocket of your jacket you'll find a photograph of him. During the day, he can often be found in the carrot pasture, which is not far from here, about two hundred yards northeast. He poses a relatively minimal threat to you. He is a skilled swordsman and knows basic martial arts, but if you shoot him at a distance, he won't have time to get to you."
"Obviously," Sanyasi snorted. He withdrew the photo from his pocket. "Boy, he even looks like a dork. Who'd be attracted to that?"
"Now you see the reason for my drastic measures," Black Seventeen replied. "Once you complete the assignment, phone me and I'll transport you out of there. There will be no need for special weaponry; your Duquette pistols should be more than enough."
"I've never needed more," Sanyasi grinned. "I'll contact you later." He hung up the phone and made his way northeast.
True to Black Seventeen's briefing, Tenchi was in the carrot field, working busily harvesting the orange vegetables. Sanyasi surveyed the area carefully; it seemed no one else was in the vicinity. He smiled, knowing that his success was assured. He casually approached Tenchi, who stood up from his work when he saw Sanyasi approach.
"Afternoon," Tenchi said with his typical naive smile. "Can I help you?"
Sanyasi had to stifle a laugh. This was too easy! "Yes, you can help me. Would you be so kind as to accept this?" He quickly whipped out a pistol and snapped off a shot, which whizzed through Tenchi's head. His motionless body collapsed to the freshly tilled earth. Sanyasi theatrically blew the smoke from the barrel, twirled the pistol once, and put it back in his holster. "That was no fun at all."
Sanyasi reached for the phone to notify Black Seventeen of his success. He stopped short when an intense light seemed to envelop the area. He shielded his eyes, and through the brilliance noticed a stately woman with long blue hair and elaborate dress. She knelt beside Tenchi, and the space between them pulsated in a warm light. After several moments the light died down, and the woman stood up. To Sanyasi's great surprise, Tenchi as well stood up, scratching the back of his head, no trace of a wound in his forehead.
"What the hell is this?!" Sanyasi asked in outrage.
"I'm sorry," the woman said in a calm voice that flowed like water, "but this boy's future rests in my hands. I cannot allow his life to be extinguished on such terms."
"Says who?"
"My name is Tsunami," she said, "goddess and protector of Jurai's royal power."
"Um, what just happened?" Tenchi asked.
"Here, let me instant replay it for you!" Sanyasi said through gritted teeth. He again drew his pistol and shot Tenchi through the head. After falling to the ground, the bright light again appeared around Tenchi, and Tsunami revived him as she did before. He stood up slowly, the confused look still on his face.
"Dammit, you're not playing fair!" Sanyasi shouted at Tsunami. "No one said anything about any divine power!" He drew his other pistol and emptied both clips at Tsunami. Predictably, she was unscathed.
Tsunami yawned. "Are you quite finished?"
"You wise-ass!" Sanyasi growled. He pulled out the cell phone and dialed for Black Seventeen.
Suddenly a pair of girls burst into the clearing. Tenchi instantly recognized Ayeka and Ryoko. They had very concerned looks on their faces. "Tenchi, what's going on?" Ayeka asked. "I heard loud noises!"
"They sounded like gunshots," Ryoko said. "Is everything alright?"
"I'm uh... not really sure," Tenchi said.
Black Seventeen answered the line. "Talk to me."
"Yeah, he's not dying," Sanyasi said.
"Not dying?"
"Well, he is dying, but someone named Tsunami keeps on reviving him. I tried to shoot her, but I ran out of ammo. She must be wearing kevlar, or something."
"No, she's just a goddess. I hadn't planned on this. With all the different Tenchi continuities all mixed up in my head, I guess I kind of forgot about her."
"Yeah, well could you give me a little help, here? I'm not exactly prepared for divine intervention."
Ryoko noticed the gun in Sanyasi's hand, and realized that he was the one causing the disturbance. She began yelling in his ear. "Hey! What do you think you're doing here? You'd better not be here to hurt my Tenchi, or so help me I'll tear off your face and wipe myself with it!"
Sanyasi's eyebrow twitched. "Hold on a second," he said into the phone. He covered the mouth piece. "Will you shut up?! I'M ON THE PHONE!" Ryoko, stunned, stood silent. "I'm sorry, Black, you were saying?"
"Sounds like Ryoko showed up," Black Seventeen said.
"Yeah, Ayeka, too. Listen, like I said, I'm not really prepared for this kind of interference. And what's the point of killing him off if he's just going to be brought back to life again? Ammo is expensive!"
"Hang on a second," Black Seventeen said. A ticking of keys could be heard over the phone line. Suddenly, Tsunami disappeared.
"What did you do?" Sanyasi asked.
"I merely adjusted the fic so that it takes place in the Tenchi Universe continuity, where Tsunami doesn't even show up."
"Well, that takes care of one thing, but what about the Princess and the Pirate? Should I take them out?"
"You numbskull!" Black Seventeen shouted. "If you do, it would defeat the purpose of the mission altogether! What good would a self-insertion be if it's in a universe where all the women are dead?"
Before Sanyasi could ask for a viable solution, a young girl with long blue hair ran out and stood by Ayeka. A strange cat-like creature with long ears was perched on top of her head. "Ayeka, what's going on?" she asked.
"I'm not sure, Sasami," Ayeka said. "When we came here, we found this strange man in the trench coat."
Sasami cautiously inched towards Sanyasi with wide eyes. "Excuse me, sir," she asked in her smallest voice, "but who are you?"
Sanyasi paid no heed to Sasami, very curious about the animal perched on her head. The little brown creature stared back just as curiously, with large yellow eyes. Sanyasi scratched his head. "This thing is really cute... BUT WHAT THE HELL IS IT?!" He smacked the creature off Sasami's head and sent it flying into the woods.
"Ryo-ohki!" Sasami shouted. She glared angrily at Sanyasi. "You're mean!" From behind her back she pulled a large cast-iron cooking skillet, and with the mightiest swing her eight year-old arms could muster, brought it down on his head. The sharp pain on Sanyasi's head was almost instantly replaced by an incapacitating numbness, and he saw the world dim around him. He felt suspended in nothing, and was surprised when he felt himself hit the ground heavily. It was the last thing he felt before unconsciousness overtook him.

BLACK SEVENTEEN'S OFFICE

Sanyasi stood in the spotlight across from Black Seventeen's desk, a white bandage wrapped around his throbbing head. Black Seventeen sighed disappointedly. "Well, at least I got you out of there soon enough. When I finally stopped the fic, Sasami was biting your arm. She clamps down like an alligator when she gets mad. I hope there's no scarring."
"I take it the mission was not successful," Sanyasi said evenly.
"Through no fault of your own," Black Seventeen replied. "You did everything you could. Circumstances just got out of hand."
"She's dangerous with a frying pan."
Black Seventeen shook his head. "Children can be so cruel."
"Well, what do we do now?"
"Unfortunately, it seems that Tenchi cannot be killed by any conventional means. And I don't want to risk you achieving avatar status. So, in order to preserve credibility, I will regrettably abandon my plans to acquire Tenchi's girls."
"Well, that's good news for me, anyway. Bunch of crazies over there. By the way, what was that thing?"
"It's called a cabbit," Black Seventeen explained. "A cross between a cat and a rabbit. It can also turn into a spaceship. Washu created it centuries ago."
"Washu?"
"She's one of the girls you didn't meet. I think it's better that she wasn't there. Meeting her often involves a lot of invasive probing."
"And still you wanted to acquire these girls?" Sanyasi asked.
"Probing is a small price to pay to lay claim to a handful of hot, hormonal anime babes," Black Seventeen said. "Anyway, our business with that universe has concluded. I will work on arranging the next assignment."
"Hopefully there will be no more unforeseen interference," Sanyasi said.
"Each day is a learning experience," Black Seventeen said. "For instance, today I learned that you'll be needing one of these." He tossed Sanyasi a hardhat.
Sanyasi stared at the yellow headgear. "You really are on drugs, aren't you?"

THE ASSASSINATION OF TENCHI MASAKI
MISSION STATUS: ATTEMPT UNSUCCESSFUL