Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Ah My Goddess Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction / Love Hina Fan Fiction / Chobits Fan Fiction / Star Ocean (All Series) Fan Fiction ❯ Anime Assassinations: Quest for Chicks ❯ Attempt 05 - Sailor Moon ( Chapter 5 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

BLACK SEVENTEEN'S OFFICE

Sanyasi's head rolled lazily back and forth in his seat. The anti-Evangelion treatment had proven successful, but it had left him very disoriented. Black Seventeen noticed this, as he wrote in a cup of coffee for his henchman. "Sorry about the whole Excel Saga thing. It's the only thing I could think of at the moment. But I guess mixing Evangelion and Excel Saga is like mixing uppers and downers; a tremendous strain on the system. Try to sharpen up with some good old-fashioned caffeine."
"The most empowering of the legal drugs," Sanyasi said as he took a large swig from the mug. "How can something so bitter be so sweet? I must say, though, after watching Excel Saga, you remind me a lot of Il Palazzo."
"Then I guess that would make you Excel, now wouldn't it?"
"Okay, forget I said anything."
"Just be thankful you're not like Hyatt. I can't have you coughing up your innards every five minutes. The blood trail would make it too easy for the cops to track you."
"So long as you don't send me to a universe where the Hanta virus is running rampant, I'll be just fine."
"Well, your next assignment certainly is not disease-ridden," Black Seventeen said as he opened a file on his desk. "And I'll need you to be as sharp as possible. You're going to the universe that pioneered the whole 'a bunch of hot chicks spread thickly amongst a cast of unworthy schmoes' idea."
Sanyasi perked up. "Are... are you thinking what I think you're thinking?"
"That depends on what you're thinking."
"I'm thinking that you're thinking Sailor Moon."
"Damn, that must be some good coffee; one cup and you're sharp as a tack. Juan Valdez, you rock! And, yes, I am thinking Sailor Moon. I'm glad you've heard of it."
"Who hasn't heard of it? Even people who know nothing about anime know that show."
"Yes, that's true. And, unfortunately, that puts me at a disadvantage. You see, the show has a large fan base, and as a result has a large fanfiction community backing it. Just about every self-insertion imaginable has already been utilized by someone or another. I'll really have to rack my brains to come up with something original. I've been thinking of a few for the past few days. What do you think of this: I show up as the owner of a new coffee shop, and put some kind of herbal mixture in the coffee that makes the sailor senshi super strong, and thus make them grateful to me and offer me promiscuous sex as my reward."
Sanyasi shook his head slowly. "I think... that you need a cup of coffee, too."
"Not a bad idea. I've been awake for three days trying to come up with ideas. How about this: All the senshi get badly injured and I, a pre-med student, graciously take them in and nurse them back to health, and thus make them grateful to me and offer me promiscuous sex as my reward. While at the same time earning my diploma!"
Sanyasi winced. "Maybe three days wasn't long enough."
"Okay, then, how about this: I am a private investigator who stumbles upon strange Dark Kingdom activity while on another case. I help the senshi to investigate and defeat the Dark Kingdom, thus making them grateful to me and offer me promiscuous sex as my reward."
Sanyasi sank back in his seat and sighed. "I'm definitely noticing a pattern, here."
"Alright, let's try this one: I'm a Japanese baseball player. I meet the senshi before the game and promise to hit a home run just for them. I do, thus making them grateful to me and offer me promiscuous sex as my reward."
"You know what?" Sanyasi asked, rubbing his temples. "Why don't you stay behind and think of a few more ideas while I go take care of whoever it is I'm supposed to kill."
"I suppose I could do that. Here's the complete file. Your target is the guy with black hair, named Mamoru. Sometimes he appears as-is, and sometimes he shows up wearing a top hat and cape, chucking roses."
"Ah, so he's a figure skater."
"No! He's a fighter. Kinda. Not really dangerous, just so long as he doesn't hit you with a rose. But he's never really hit anything but the ground at a monster's feet, so that's not really a factor. There's a picture of him there in his fighting regalia."
"He fights in this? He looks like a matador on his way to a funeral. He should be shot just for wearing this!"
"Well, find your justification wherever you can. On the next page is a dossier on all the senshi."
Sanyasi read the names out loud. "Usagi, Rei, Ami, Mina, Lita... Hey, wait a minute, some of the names are English, and some are Japanese."
"Don't worry about that."
"But won't continuity be broken if you start mixing up the names?"
"Look, it's my fic, and I'll use whatever name I think sounds cuter to me!" Black Seventeen said with authority. "Besides, all you need concern yourself with is the guy with the roses."
"Wow. I never thought I'd hear anybody say something like that."
"Only in anime..." said Black Seventeen, shaking his head. "Anyway, It's time you got going. I need to get working on a few new self-insertion ideas. What do you think of this one: I'm a cable repairman who moonlights as a monster fighter under my alias, The Black Darkness... or should that be The Dark Blackness?..."
"Um, tell you what, why don't you tell me all about it when I get back? By then I should be nice and drowsy again."

SOMEWHERE IN TOKYO

After being inserted into the universe, Sanyasi sighed to himself. "Just how many different version of Tokyo are there in anime, anyway?" His musings were interrupted by the ring of his cell phone.
"I've inserted you into the first season," Black Seventeen said. "I wanted to get this all wrapped up before episode 60."
"Why episode 60?"
"The less you know about that, the better. Let's just say that pink is definitely not my favorite color. The senshi are now in your general vicinity, in the process of fighting a youma. By the way, you do realize that the sailor senshi are the same girls you saw in the file earlier, right?"
"No duh. Next you'll be asking me if Clark Kent is really Superman. I mean, who can possibly be fooled by a pair of stage glasses?"
"Stay focused on the task at hand. Anyway, Mamoru in the guise of Tuxedo Kamen usually shows up towards the end of the battle, so you should make it there in plenty of time. You'll probably even have time for a sandwich or something if you're feeling hungry."
"My only hunger is for the blood of dorks," Sanyasi said. "Leave everything to me."
"Excellent! The battle is occurring three blocks south of there as we speak. Good luck."
"Luck is for the weak. Later." Sanyasi hung up and began a leisurely walk south.
At the location of the battle, the five senshi had their hands full with the latest minion of Zoisite. The youma, which looked suspiciously like a stack of post-it notes, was attempting to papercut them into submission.
"Sailor Moon," Sailor Venus implored, "we must defeat this youma now. We can't take another round of attacks!"
"That's right, Sailor Moon, finish him off!" Sailor Jupiter encouraged.
"Right!" Sailor Moon stood firm and removed her tiara. "Moon Tiara-"
BLAM!
Sailor Moon's words were cut off by the crack of Sanyasi's pistol, which had just delivered a bullet cleanly through the head of the offending monster, which promptly fell limply to the sidewalk. The five girls stopped dead in their tracks and gawked at the man in the black trench coat, his pistol leveled and smoking. After posing theatrically for a few moments, he casually blew the smoke from the barrel and twirled the gun back into its holster.
"Who's that?" Sailor Mars asked.
"I've never seen him before," Sailor Moon replied.
"He kind of looks like my old boyfriend," Sailor Jupiter noted. The other four girls shook their heads.
Sanyasi strolled up to the women. "I trust everyone is all right."
"We're... okay," Sailor Moon said. "Thanks for your help. I guess."
"Well, it just seemed to me that you were having a bit of trouble, so I thought the least I could do was lend a hand. Funny, I thought these monster things were supposed to be powerful, and one bullet takes them out. You've never thought to just shoot them before?"
"It... never crossed my mind," Sailor Moon admitted.
"Wait a minute," Sailor Mercury interjected, "just who are you, anyway?"
Sanyasi turned to address her, but upon catching sight of her suddenly found himself unable to speak. He was rendered speechless by the strange feeling that welled up from his very depths. The tempo of his heartbeat increased, and threatened to shatter his ribcage. His breaths came in struggled gasps, and the blood pounded in his ears. He felt his face grow warm as it reddened into a deep blush. These feelings, were they all the result of the girl before him? He had never felt anyone have such power over him, just by looking at him. His head was swimming with the realization that the blue-haired angel before him had stolen his heart.
"Hellooooo..." Sailor Venus called as she waved a hand in front of Sanyasi's glazed eyes.
"You think he's sick?" Sailor Mars asked "He looks like he just ate some of Usagi's cooking."
"Hey!" Sailor Moon spat.
"Please, tell us who you are," Sailor Mercury requested.
Sanyasi slowly regained his powers of speech. "I... I am... yours."
"Huh?"
Sanyasi fell to one knee before Sailor Mercury. He gently grasped her hand in his own. "Never before have I ever stood in the light of such divine beauty. I question my own worth in your presence. I feel it is destiny that has brought us together, and blessed me with the opportunity to share the same world with you. Ami Mizuno, Sailor Mercury, I, Sanyasi, hereby submit myself as your humble servant, yours to do with as you wish."
The girls gasped at the utterance of Mercury's true identity. "I... I don't know what you mean," Mercury stammered. "I am not Ami Mizuno!"
Sanyasi stood and gazed deeply into her eyes. "You needn't keep your secrets from me. Yours is a perfect beauty that is impossible to disguise. No matter how you try to hide yourself, I will always see the same vision of loveliness that captivated me from the first moment I saw it."
Venus shrugged. "Personally, I never understood how these costumes could disguise us in the first place. I'm beginning to think everyone in Tokyo is blind!"
Sailor Moon scratched the back of her head nervously. "This is... a little confusing."
"This is a little scary," Mercury followed.
"You needn't fear me," Sanyasi bade her, "for I swear to you my everlasting servitude. I am yours to command, from now until my dying day."
"This is... interesting," Mars said. "A traveling man-slave."
"Look, Mr., um, Sanyasi," Mercury said, "I appreciate your concern, but I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself."
"I beg you to reconsider," Sanyasi said. "For, without you, my life has no purpose. I truly believe that I was placed on this earth to cater to your every desire. And I promise to do everything in my power to fulfill those desires, no matter what they may be."
"This guy's creeping me out," Jupiter said. "Maybe we should call the police."
Suddenly, Mars smiled. "I think I have a better idea." She approached Sanyasi and bowed. "Pardon us, but might we have a word with our friend in private, please?"
"If it is the will of Ami, then yes," Sanyasi replied. The senshi all retreated to an inaudible distance and formed a huddle.
"Ami, I don't think you should waste this opportunity," Mars said. "I mean, sure, the guy's a whack-job, but he said he'd do anything you wanted! Think of him as a palm pilot with arms and legs. You should keep him around a while."
"Are you sure?" Venus asked. "He might be dangerous."
"Dangerous?" Mars scoffed. "Did you see how starry-eyed he was? Someone that lovestruck is not dangerous. He looks like you when you're with Mamoru, Usagi."
"C'mon, I'm not that bad," Sailor Moon insisted.
"You carved his face in your mashed potatoes at dinner," Mars recalled.
"So I played with my food. Big deal."
"You left it on your dresser for a month!"
"Can we discuss Usagi's mashed potatoes another time?" Lita asked. "Ami's got a crisis, here."
"I just feel kind of strange taking advantage of someone like that," Mercury said.
"Don't think of it as taking advantage of him," Mars said, "you'll just be teaching him a lesson. Once he gets tired of you ordering him around, he'll realize what a dope he's been and he'll leave you alone."
"I don't know," Mercury said. "You think it'll work?"
"Sure!" Mars said confidently. "Trust me. It's a win-win situation."
"Well... I guess I could give it a try," Mercury said. The girls broke the huddle, and Mercury came to stand demurely before Sanyasi once again. "Mr. Sanyasi, I've decided to take your offer and let you be my servant."
Sanyasi smiled wide, and once again knelt before her. "You honor me with your dominance. What, then, is the first task you ask of me, dear one?"
Mercury thought a moment, then remembered that she had left her bookbag in the alley when she had earlier transformed. She retrieved it and laid it before Sanyasi. "I want you to carry my books home for me."
Sanyasi eagerly snatched up the bag and slung it over his shoulder. "I would do so gladly," he said with a wide smile. Her secret already exposed, Mercury transformed back into her normal school uniform and began to walk home, with Sanyasi eagerly following behind.
The other girls did likewise in transforming to normal clothes as they watched the pair leave. Lita put her hands on her hips as she said, "I can't help but think that this is going to lead to something awful."
"Don't worry about it," Rei said. "It's just a bit of harmless fun."
"Let's go to the arcade and tell Andrew about this," Usagi suggested.
"You just want to stop in for a slice of chocolate cake, don't you?" Mina asked.
"Mmmmm, chocolate caaaaaaake..." Usagi trailed off. Her drool dripped rhythmically onto the sidewalk.
"Oh, great job, Mina. She's gone catatonic again. Help me grab her legs, Rei."
"Sure," Rei sighed. The three lifted the incapacitated Usagi and proceeded to the arcade to procure her chocolaty antidote.
From the rooftop, a rustling of fabric could be heard as, in a sweep of his cape, Tuxedo Kamen made his grand entrance. A rose flew like red lightning from his hand and stuck solidly in the empty sidewalk. "Fear not, Sailor Moon, I shall aid you in..."
Finding Sailor Moon nowhere in sight, and the youma already lying dead and defeated on the ground, Tuxedo Kamen felt no need to continue the sentence. He surveyed the scene, and nodded his approval that the busy streets of Tokyo were resuming their normal routine. "My work here is done!" he exclaimed triumphantly. With a sweep of his cape, he was gone.

MIZUNO RESIDENCE

During the entire walk home, Ami felt very uneasy. She was worried about the mental health of the man in the black coat, and feared that his affections may inexplicably turn into violence. After all, he did carry a gun and seemed to be a pretty good shot with it. When she reached the door to her home, she spoke up. "I feel kind of silly about all this, and I don't think it's right of me to take advantage of someone who is on obvious need of counseling. So, why don't you go a head and go back to your home? I'll be fine, really!"
"My home is wherever you are," Sanyasi replied. "I must stay with you so that I might better serve you. Besides, if you were to be in any way harmed by some unforeseen circumstance, the guilt would drive me to suicide."
Ami shook her head. According to her, Sanyasi was definitely a very unstable individual. Her association with him was most decidedly a recipe for disaster. "Well, you shouldn't worry about me anymore. I don't need protection while I'm in my own home."
"But Ami, my angel, most accidents occur within the home. Besides, you must have had a very tiring day, what with studying and fighting that giant stack of post-it notes. Please, allow me to at least make your home life as relaxing and as stress-free as possible."
"Well, I don't know. I mean, I would have to invite you in and then... and then take you to... to my room..." Ami trailed off as her face reddened into a blush. Sanyasi collapsed on the front porch, which raised a gasp out of Ami. "Are you alright?"
"Don't be alarmed. It's just that all the strength is sucked from my body when I see you blush. I'm afraid I won't be able to move for a few minutes."
Ami brightened up at her chance to escape. "That's okay. You just wait out here. I'll be sure to call you if I need you, okay?"
"I eagerly await your command."
"Okay. Bye." Ami quickly burst through the door and slammed it behind her. She scampered up the stairs to her room and fell onto her bed, sighing deeply. "What a weirdo. I never should have gotten myself into this." It was not long, however, before her troubled mind was soothed by her textbooks. As she studied, Sanyasi's presence faded from her mind.
While reading chapter 12 of her algebra textbook, she heard the sound of a car pulling into the driveway. She checked the clock by her bedside: 8:27, the time her mother was usually due home from work at the hospital. She turned back to the chapter, but suddenly felt her heart drop as she remembered that she had left Sanyasi on the front porch. She rocketed from her bed and sped down the stairs. "He'd better not still be there; it's been four hours!"
Ami flung open the door, and was mortified at the sight of Sanyasi face to face with his mother. "I, and indeed the whole world owes you a great debt, Mrs. Mizuno," he said. "Without you, the pure and divine beauty that is Ami would not have come to pass. From your blessed womb sprung the very embodiment of loveliness and grace. Indeed, the father must be heaven itself. Though it is scarcely adequate, I offer my heartfelt and humble thanks to you for conceiving Ami."
Mrs. Mizuno had a very puzzled look on her face. "It... it was nothing. Really." She noticed her daughter in the doorway. "Ami, this man says he is your devoted slave, or something. Do you know him?"
Ami's face turned bright red, which caused Sanyasi to collapse once more. "He kind of just... followed me, Mom. I really didn't intend for any of this. I'm sorry."
Mrs. Mizuno only chuckled. "There's nothing to apologize for, dear. I know you're entering into womanhood now. To be honest, I always thought you were too shy around the boys. I'm glad to see you taking an interest in dating."
Ami's eyes widened. "You mean you... think that he's my... that he's my b... b... that he's my b..." The word stuck in her throat. "My b... b... BOYFRIEND?!"
"If only the gods would smile upon me so!" said Sanyasi from the concrete of the porch.
Mrs. Mizuno chuckled. "Looks like my little girl has become quite the heart breaker. Why don't you invite him in; I'd love it if he stayed for some tea."
"Well, I... um... er... I guess," she said reluctantly. She grasped Sanyasi tightly by his collar and dragged him through the door. "I suppose you're coming inside, now."
"You honor me with your rough handling!" Sanyasi said as his skin scraped across the concrete.

BLACK SEVENTEEN'S OFFICE

Black Seventeen smashed his hand on the desk as he watched his fanfic spin out of control. He never thought that his plans would be ruined like this. He had specifically chosen Sanyasi to be his henchman because he was a heartless, cold-blooded killing machine who looked really cool in a trench coat. "This is bad. This is really bad. Apparently, the allure of the senshi can melt even the iciest of hearts. How ironic, too, that it's the one whose power can freeze enemies solid that is looked upon with such warmth. I didn't want to do this, but it looks like this calls for drastic measures. Time to fight ice with ice!" He began typing into his computer. In the center of the room a column of light began to shimmer. The light began to coagulate, shaping the form of a human. A gray trench coat became distinguishable, along with icy blue hair, piercing light gray eyes, and a black suit.
The figure looked around cautiously. He eyed Black Seventeen suspiciously. "Who are you?"
Black Seventeen couldn't help but smile evilly. "It's been a long time, Messiah."
"How do you know my name? Where am I? Talk, or I make a pair of cufflinks with your eyeballs!"
"Calm down and listen to what I have to say. You just might like it."
"Unless you plan on telling me exactly what I want to know, I can guarantee that I won't be happy. And, if I'm not happy, you sure as hell won't be."
"The details of my own personal goals are irrelevant to the purpose for which I have summoned you here. I felt that you were the only person I could call, because you have as much stake in this as I do. I've run into a problem with my field agent. I believe you know him. His name is Sanyasi."
Messiah clenched his teeth and growled. The last memory he had in his brain was that of Sanyasi shooting him repeatedly atop the Zaibatsu headquarters. "What about him? Tell me!"
"It's quite simple, actually. I want you to retrieve him for me."
"Retrieve, nothing! I'm going to kill that son of a bitch for what he did to me! My hands shall drip with the blood of his pulverized head, and I will paint obscene graffiti with the contents of his stomach!"
"Well, if you really feel you need to dismember, defile, disembowel and/or shred him into a bloody mess, I won't stop you," Black Seventeen said. "Bring him back here in as many pieces as you deem necessary. At this point, I'd be willing to take his death as an acceptable loss. He has turned into the very thing that I have worked so hard to eradicate! Damn it, why did it have to be Ami? If it was Usagi, I wouldn't have had too many complaints. If it was Lita, we might have been able to work something out. Heck, even if it was Mina I might be willing to let it slide! I was even planning on giving him Molly as a reward for all his hard work! God knows that Brooklyn accent grates on my nerves, anyway. But when Ami's involved I can't sit still! She's the only reason that I put up with the horribly dubbed episodes on TV to begin with! Sanyasi will regret crossing me! I WILL MAKE HIM PAY!!"
"Get in line, jerkwater," Messiah hissed. "That piece of trash is mine! The blood from his neck shall trace an easy-to-follow path to the nearest storm drain!"
"I like your enthusiasm. Maybe you can have his job when all is said and done."
"Shut up. I don't need your damn charity. The only reason I'm not killing you now is because I want Sanyasi dead first!"
"Well, it's your call. Pity, though. A henchman with your qualifications might be just what I need to give my ambitions a shot in the arm. At any rate, I'll leave Sanyasi to you. I trust I don't have to inform you of how dangerous he can be, even as a lovestruck goof."
Messiah glared at Black Seventeen. "His emotions have always guided him too much. He is weak. Weakness cannot be tolerated. I will kill him. Graphically, mercilessly, with supreme pleasure, and possibly while singing; I haven't decided yet."

JUUBAN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL

Ami sighed deeply as she took her usual seat at the lunch table. As usual Lita and Usagi sat beside her. "Ami, what's wrong? You look like you're at wit's end," Lita commented.
"It's Sanyasi," Ami said. "I want to get rid of him, but it's just no use! He has even more of a one-track mind than Usagi around chocolate cake."
"Chocolate cake?! WHERE?!" Usagi queried, a thin skein of drool threading its way down the side of her chin.
Ami continued, "What's even worse is that my mom thinks that he's my b... my b... that he's my b... b... BOYFRIEND!"
"Wow, things must have really gotten bad!" Usagi said.
"It doesn't stop there. He insists on being by my side all the time. I can't get a moment's peace! He cut my food up for me at breakfast this morning. It was so embarrassing! He even wanted to sleep in my room last night!"
Lita blushed and gasped. "Did he try to have his way with you?! Am I going to have to open a can of whoop-ass on this guy? Because I will! I'll put my foot so far up his butt, he'll be flossing with my shoelaces!"
"No, nothing like that. He just stood over me all night, fanning me with a palm frond. It was freaky! I couldn't sleep. I finally got him off my back this morning when I lied and told him I was allergic to the color black. I haven't seen him since, thank God."
"Um, don't look now, but he's back," Usagi said, pointing to the entrance to the cafeteria. Sure enough, Sanyasi was making his way over to the table, complete with new wardrobe.
"Ami, sweetheart, I'm sorry I didn't know about your allergy sooner," he said, nudging Usagi aside so he could occupy a seat immediately next to her. "I ran out and bought a new coat this morning. Look, it's the same color as your eyes. I think it will really set off the radiance of your face when we walk side-by-side now."
"Gee, that's... great," Ami said drably.
"Wow, you've got the guy eating out of your hand, Ami," Lita marveled.
"I'm sure he would eat out of a hog trough if I asked him to," she replied.
Despite the normal noisiness of the cafeteria, a set of footsteps could be heard echoing from down the hall. Sanyasi immediately snapped to attention, and reflexively put a hand on the grip of one of his pistols. As he watched the entrance, the cause of the footsteps became horrifyingly clear to him. His eyes widened as he made out the unmistakable form of his brother rounding the corner and entering. Messiah spotted him immediately. Sanyasi was quick to respond.
"Everybody, get down!"
Without wasting another second, Sanyasi drew his pistols and snapped off a few quick shots at Messiah, who had turned over a table and taken refuge. Sanyasi did the same, and quickly took out his cell phone to dial Black Seventeen. He didn't even wait for Black Seventeen to finish saying, "Hello," before launching into a tirade.
"What is the meaning of this? Do you have any idea what you've done, unleashing someone like Messiah? Now my dear, precious Ami is going to have to watch me kill someone, and that's a far cry from the image I want to portray to her! This is insanity, Black! You've made a tremendous mistake!"
"The mistake was yours," Black Seventeen replied coolly. "Your mission was the removal of Mamoru Chiba, not to get cozy with one of the senshi. You've failed me, and now you must face the consequences. Deal with it!" He abruptly hung up the phone.
"Damn it!" Sanyasi cursed. "Messiah, we should take this outside! All this violence isn't good for my dear Ami's silky skin!"
"Who's that blue-haired guy?" Usagi asked from her position underneath a table.
"He kind of looks like my old boyfriend," Lita commented.
Usagi sighed. "Just how many boyfriends have you gone through, anyway? Your little black book must be thicker than my dictionary!"
"You soft-hearted fool!" Messiah shot back at Sanyasi. "Your empathy has always been your weak point. It impairs your judgment. You never could have been a good leader. You should have known your place like the pathetic sheep you were. Let me show you just how weak you are!" He popped up and fired several shots at Sanyasi, who again dove behind the table. He reached around the corner and fired at Messiah, but hit nothing besides chairs and table legs. After the volley of shots was exchanged, Sanyasi checked his ammunition, and swallowed hard when he found one gun empty, and one with a single bullet left. With no other options, he decided to go for broke.
He braced himself against the overturned table and pushed it forward like a battering ram. When he made contact with the table Messiah was using for cover, he leapt up and aimed behind it, but found that Messiah was not there. He caught a flash of gray coat to his right, and fired in its direction. Messiah, however, had hurled a chair at Sanyasi, which is what the bullet wound up hitting. The chair hit Sanyasi in the side, and sent him to the ground. Messiah rushed over and jammed the barrel of his own pistol under Sanyasi's chin.
"Well, well, well," Messiah gloated. "What a family reunion this is, eh, bro? I'm not exactly sure why I was given this chance to take revenge on you, but I sure as hell plan on making the most of it." He pulled back the hammer and grinned widely. "The thought of your warm blood leaking onto the tiles of this cafeteria is almost erotic to me."
"Eww, that's not right! Look, Messiah, sex therapy has made amazing advances these past few years..."
"Shut up! It's time I repaid you for killing me back then. Your life ends here!" Sanyasi tightly shut his eyes, waiting for the bullet to enter his head. His whole life passed before his eyes. He saw a lot of cigarettes.
"Stop this right now!"
Messiah and Sanyasi both trained their eyes on the person who had protested. While the fighting was taking place, Ami had slunk away and transformed into Sailor Mercury, who now stood before them. Sanyasi's eyes sparkled. "Ami, my precious! You do care!"
"Not likely! I'm just so mad at you right now, that I'm ready to do something I should have done a while ago!"
"Uh-oh, she looks pissed," Usagi said.
"I think... we should run," Lita said.
"Running is good," Usagi said. The two beat a hasty retreat from the cafeteria.
"Ami, you shouldn't put yourself under such stress like this," Sanyasi said.
"You're the one putting me under stress!" Mercury said. "I didn't even ask for your help, and you treat me like I'm some invalid who can't do anything for herself? You see this tiara? You see this ridiculously short skirt? You see this bow on my butt? I'm a sailor senshi! And I am not to be taken lightly!"
Messiah's eyes widened. "Damn, Sanyasi. You always pick the wrong women."
"Ami, honey, don't you think you're overreacting juuuuuust a little?"
"OVERREACT THIS!"
"Ami? Darling? Sweetie? Pumpkin? Poofie-kins?"
"SHABON SPRAY FREEZING!"
A tumultuous shower of water and ice fell upon Sanyasi and Messiah. The maelstrom of moisture enveloped them and began to encase them in cold. Ice crystals grew and spread over their bodies, immobilizing them. The howling storm abated, and the brothers were left frozen solid, the ice on their bodies glinting dully under the florescent lights of the cafeteria.
The deed completed, Sailor Mercury transformed back into Ami. She smoothed her hair back. "I feel cleansed. In fact, I'm in the mood for some math."
Just then, someone poked his head into the cafeteria, wondering what all the noise was. Ami smiled when she saw him. "Ryo!"
"Hi," he said. "Usagi and Lita told me I would find you in here. What's with the ice sculpture?"
"Oh, it's nothing. I'd just like to forget about it. What are you doing here?"
"I just thought I'd surprise you with a visit, since I'm in town for the afternoon. The more I think about it, the more I realize that we really don't spend all that much time together."
Ami blushed. "Yeah, it has been a while. I've known some youmas for longer than I've known you."
"Well, if you'd like, we could go out for a milkshake and swap physics equations."
"That sounds nice. Let's go!" The pair left side by side, leaving Sanyasi and Messiah as defeated, and as cold, as they had ever been.

BLACK SEVENTEEN'S OFFICE

Sanyasi was in tears as Black Seventeen fervently chipped away at the ice with a pick. "She broke my heart, Black. How could she turn her back on me like that? And with that pathetic dork? He didn't even have a gun!"
"Women are fickle creatures, Sanyasi. Sometimes you could pursue one your entire adult life and get nothing but grief. And other times, you show up twice and they're yours."
"It's not fair! Only I could fully appreciate her beauty!"
"Yeah, you and a million other fanboys, Sanyasi. Type 'Sailor Mercury' on Google if you want to see what I mean."
"I'll never feel this way about anyone again."
"Well, that's good to know! Maybe now you'll do your freaking job when I tell you!"
"I guess there's no point in crying about it now. There aren't enough tears in me to express my grief."
"Yeah, it was tough watching Ryo snatch up such a beautiful thing after putting forth the absolute minimum amount of effort. He might as well have ripped out my heart and run it through a blender set to 'liquefy.' I was going to punish you for your insubordination, but I think you've been through enough."
"I feel like my life is over. Speaking of lives being over, where's Messiah?"
"I thought it would be better to separate the two of you, so I shelved him for a while. But let this be a lesson to you; any time you disobey me, I won't hesitate to send him after you again."
"Why did it have to be him? This whole sordid affair was painful enough without you dragging up old family issues."
"I felt I just had to light the right match under your foot. How else was I going to make my point? You sure as hell weren't going to listen to me, not with Ami on the brain. Believe me, I know what it's like. Hell, even the mention of her name throws my concentration off."
"Well, for what it's worth, I'm sorry," Sanyasi said. "I didn't intend for this to happen."
"I guess it wasn't entirely your fault," Black Seventeen said as he chipped away some more ice. "Ami is quite a prize. I guess I can't blame you for suddenly growing a heart."
"Don't worry, it's been successfully shattered into a million pieces."
"Great! Well not great, I mean... You know what I mean. Anyway, now your mind is clear to focus on preparation for the next mission."
"You know, since my mind is clear now, I just figured something else out."
"What's that?"
"I'M FREAKING COLD!"

THE ASSASSINATION OF MAMORU CHIBA
MISSION STATUS: NOT EVEN CLOSE