Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ [MSTing] Eye of the Tiger ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Mystery Science Cinema 3001 show 206, reel 1:

"Eye of the Tiger"
(A Neon Genesis Evangelion / Xenogears crossover)

MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison and Megane 6.7

==

Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations are property
of and (c) 2007 by Best Brains, Inc.

Neon Genesis Evangelion is property of Hideaki Anno, Gainax, and all
of the distributors of their work.

Xenogears is property of Squaresoft (Square-Enix) and all of the
distributors of their work.

"Eye of the Tiger" is the property of Nohan Strife. This work is
intended solely as comedy. No ill will is to be implied in any of
the below.

All additional references/characters/lyrics copyright of their
respective owners and creators.

Comments are welcomed at zoogz@yahoo.com

==

---SATELLITE OF LOVE

"Hello, welcome to the Satellite of Love, and..." Mike trailed
off as Crow T. Robot stuck something to his jumpsuit. "What's
this?"

"Oh, Mike, nothing much, but we need to re-familiarize Joel to the
Satellite and this was the best way!"

"Crow, he's been up here for the last few months! He only left
for like three weeks! Remember the hamdingers? The pod? Dr. F
found him after he landed and sent him right back here!" As Tom
Servo entered from the right, Mike checked his jumpsuit. "And this...
'mid-season replacement'? Okay, where in heck did you find the Dymo
labeler?"

"Grmmphargharm" Tom replied. As he was grumbling, a strip of
paper was line-feeding from his mouth.

Mike sighed, and looked around the rest of the satellite. The
sirens, the buttons, the counter, and almost every piece on the
walls of the Satellite were covered with labels. Joel arrived to
the bridge from the right and chuckled slightly.

"Umm, you guys, I should be fine," Joel stated. "I think I know
who you are, Row T. Crowbot."

Mike chuckled. "Ahh, this is your doing, isn't it?"

"Hey! Who are you?" Joel replied.

The lights started flashing. Mike consulted the buttons on the
counter, and said "Umm... according to this, the Messenger to the
Agonies of Man is... messengerizing. Y'ello?"


---DEEP THIRTEEN

Deep Thirteen looked a bit bombed out. Suddenly, Dr. Forrester
appeared. "Mike! Joel! Make it quick, Frank's vichyssoise is
about to burn".

Mike snickered as Joel began, "Well, today sirs, we have a
special treat." Joel wheeled out a portable sink, which was
completely covered with black labels. He tore as many off as he
could find, and displayed a faucet which had a lever on the side.
On the top of the lever was an eight-ball.

"Today's invention is the stick-shift faucet!" Mike introduced.
"Never again do you have to worry about the spray coming out too
quick. Just engage the clutch by pressing down on the faucet, and
gear up your mornings!"

Joel added, "And better yet, you don't have to replace the
transmission fluid under your sinks ever again! What do you think,
sir?"


Dr. F shook his head. "Oh, so THAT'S what Frank installed on
our faucets down here. It's stunk like mad ever since! FRANK!!"

TV's Frank emerged from the kitchen with a chef's hat on and a sour
expression on his face. "Dammit, I burned out the clutch again!
This is the second time this week!"

Dr. Forrester sighed. "I think you should stick with the
automatic transmission sinks, Frank."

"But those aren't as fuel-efficient!" Frank argued.

"Well..." Dr. F spluttered, "Be that as it may, if the faucet
doesn't wake you up in the morning well enough, boy do I have the
answer for that!" He walked to a workbench, and picked up a...


"Pack of cigarettes?" the SOL gasped.


"Good news, everyone. Smoking's not just for endangering your
own health anymore! In the tradition of 'Lucky Strikes', say
hello to Deep Thirteen's special blend of eleven tobaccoes and
well... 'other' spices. It's 'Westmorelands'" Dr. F chuckled.

"What makes them special, you may ask?" Dr. F continued. "Not
particularly the recipe, but their disposal!" He shook a
cigarette from the package, and offered it to Frank. "By all
means, why not have a smoke?"

"Not again, Dr. F!" Frank exclaimed, backing off. "I'll take
my chances with the oven again!"

"Oh, fine. Here at Deep Thirteen, we've managed to make a
better filter." Dr. F took the cigarette, which had a white
barrel and a black filter. "Charcoal..." he began, lighting and
puffing, "is fine, but we found that adding a bit of sulphur and
saltpeter makes it better."


Joel looked puzzled. "Umm... gunpowder?


"And if you add to that the fact that our tobacco is designed
to burn hotter, it's a danger to everyone! Heck, it doesn't
go out UNLESS it explodes!" Dr. F chuckled. He flicked the
cigarette back into a heavily-damaged area of Deep Thirteen.
The cigarette exploded as Deep Thirteen trembled slightly.

"Best yet," Dr. F continued, "this means that rush hour now
comes with a risk! So does bumming a smoke! Why should the
smokers be the only ones with the risk? Take a semi down with
two or three of these babies and see the traffic thin out!
Remember, you can find 'Westmorelands' at a fine retailer near
you!" Dr. F stopped giggling long enough to bellow, "FRANK!!"

Steam... or more smoke emerged from the right side. "Dammit!
Can't you guys make the clutch plate heavier?" Frank groused.

"Euuugh, I may as well wait for him to finish... or smoke
a few more cigarettes near the kitchen," Dr. F remarked. "Anyway,
your 'fic for the day is a fascinating study of a pilot who is
normally at odds with himself and is himself quite odd. He's got a new
mission now... to wring some kind of interesting content from one of
our favorite big-robot shows! Fat chance, since his series
practically invented the video-game miniseries! Boys, say hello to
'Eye of the Tiger'. You probably won't want a smoke after this one!"
Dr. F gloated. He turned back to the right side of the screen, and
yelled, "FRANK! Send them the fic!"



---SATELLITE OF LOVE

Mike put his hands out, judging the work Crow did in papering
the entire side of the satellite in labels. "Needs some
smoothing on the right," Joel observed.

The lights and buzzers went off. "Oh, we've got fic sign!" Mike
observed. "Crow, where'd you put it!"

"It's over there... no, there, aww, darn it! It's down there
somewhere!" Crow yelled as the doors started opening.

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the
bottom)
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: it's a garage door. You have to open it manually)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps
you inside)

(Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the
fourth seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. After that
was Joel, and Crow sat in the far right seat.)

Tom: Pyuh! Ptooie! Ah, finally, I'm at a loss for words!
Crow: Oh, I doubt we'll ever be that lucky.
Tom: Yeah? Well, next time you need a Dymo, you know where you can
stick it.
Crow: After it's been in your mouth? I don't think so.

>I don't own Xenogears or Evangelion. They belong to Squaresoft and
>Gainax respectively. This work is for non-profit reasons: fun for me
>and my readers.

Crow: Although custody was awarded to Squaresoft, Gainax managed to
retain full control of all breasts in the settlement and thereby
charge royalties for every bounce inferred.

>Eye of the Tiger

Tom: Shinji Ikari IS Clubber Lang!

>Chapter One - The Red Baron and the Tiger

Mike: Shere Khan was in need of Baloo's services once again.

>"So, the Americans hane finally decided to tip their hands."
>
>"Yes Fuyutski. They have decided to send us their ace in the hole,
>the Host to the Slayer of God.

Joel: Ryan Seacrest?

>Not only has our force has doubled in size,but now, I will be able to
>watch over the pilot."

Mike: And keep the damned thing lit for a change!

>"But Commander, does Weltall not pose a threat to the Eva project?"

Joel: Nice read, Carl.

>"No Dr. Akagi, because it cannot be duplicated. Weltall is one of a
>kind, and so," Gendo Ikari added with a grin, "is its pilot."

Crow: <Burt Reynolds> Aww, dammit, you done got ol' Bandit out of
retirement again?!

>Fei Fong Wong pushed the errant strands of hair from his feild of
>vision / damn things refuse to be put into the ponytail.../, as he
>looked out the window of the cargo copter he had spent the last hours
>of his employment to the SCOUTS in.

Tom: And on the ground written with stones was the message "GOOD
RIDDANCE".

>But he was not alone.

Tom: <Fei> Coward! Let Id watch movies with you or no McDonalds
later! Id, I think you're overdue for a haircut. Unnamed! Put your
shoes on, it's too cold for bare feet outside! Do you want a time
out? I didn't think so.

>Besides the pilot, a form that redefined the term huge lay under a
>tarp.

Crow: There were many rumors that a Rosie O'Donnell could be found in
the wild, but confirmation finally arrived in the form of a rather
overtaxed cargo copter.

>It was Humanoid in shape, but defied this definition with its sharp
>metal corners, and relative lack of natural curves. It was the reason
>Fei had to leave the anti-terrorism business.

Joel: Fei knew that the United States wasn't kinky enough to accept
what was under the tarp. Japan, on the other hand...

>It was the unique being that had been his father's before his. It was
>Gear Unit-00, Weltall, Fei's Mech, and his weapon against the
>monsters deemed The Angels.

Tom: Though Fei had to spend hours scraping all the cheesecake photos
of his mom from the cockpit.

>The teen stared at the form beneat the thick tarp, still amazed after
>all these years at the power one person could posses with this
>machine.

Joel: Yet it was nowhere near the destruction that could be caused by
a cell phone in a car at rush hour.
Mike: Now, when Fei was in "anti-terror", that implies that he was
fighting *for* or *against* it?

>/ Not that I need Weltall to be powerful. I guess its almost time to
>transfer. I'm gonna miss the team /

Tom: And just to make sure the team would *stay* broken, Fei pawned
off Billy's Triceratops Dinozord.

>The landing gear shuddered as it touched down, and the copter groaned
>as it settled.

Crow: <Copter> Oh, my corns.
Mike: <landing gear, shuddering> Oh, his corns.

>Fei looked ou the window, to see, not too far off, a group of
>children about his age.

Crow: <child> Welcome to Japan. We have overthrown the adults with
our upsetting short pants. Have you an age to declare?

>One was a red-haired girl, in a yellow sundress, slapping the hell
>out of some guy in a jogging suit.

Joel: Bill Clinton, on vacation!

>/ The second Child, Asuka Langley Sorhyu, Pilot of Eva Unit-02. I
>guess one of the others must be the Third Child, Shinji Ikari. I hope
>thats not him getting the crap beat outa him. /

Crow: <Fei> Naw, Shinji's gotta be that stacked brunette flashing her
panties by bending over the rail.

>His attention was caught by the pilot of his ride, "Alright Private
>Wong, depart, and contact Captain Misato of NERV. She has your final
>transfer documents.

Mike: You know, most Wongs should really be kept private.

>I'll get the crew to unload this beast."

Joel: <Pilot> Alright... Isaac, you lift that end... and Gopher, you
get this end.

>"Thanks Bear. See ya later!," Fei waved as he hopped out onto the
>flight deck.

Mike: <Fei> I've had quite enough of that Sugar Crisp, thank you.

>Kensuke was in heaven. Not only had he gotten to ride in one of
>NERV's cargo copters, seen all these cool jets, and was currently
>standing on a vintage Super-class aircraft carrier, but one of
>theUS's newest long-range cargo copters, the Bahumet-class cargo
>carrier had just landed nearby.

Tom: <Kensuke, crying> Finally, I'm a G.I. Joe... I'm so happy....

>Never mind it had kicked up the wind that had inderectly led to
>Touji's current beating.

Joel: I had no idea that by "vintage aircraft carrier" that they meant
"designed by Rube Goldberg".

>He was so enamoured that he hardly registered the lone figure jump
>down from the passenger hatch, without waiting for the ladder, or
>that said figure was heading strait for his group. Misato however did
>notice.

Crow: <Misato> Intimidating stranger, possibly armed, headed for the
Second and Third Child. Welp, no danger here!

>"Oh," the NERV capitain began, "Looks like we can get all of our
>introductions over with."

Tom: <Fei> Hi, FeiFongJesus on AIM.
Joel: <Misato> 10-409-560 on ICQ.
Mike: <Asuka> Anyone need a gmail invite?

>"So," the firey red head began, "Where's the famous Third Child? Ach
>nein..." she groaned.

Mike: This wasn't the greatest career choice for Danny Bonaduce.
Joel: Though it's a step up for Carrot Top.

>"Don't worry Asuka. This," she said while gesturing to the
>introverted child standing next to her," is Shinji Ikari, the Third
>Child."

Tom: And he could be yours, if the Price is Right!

>Fei was close enough to here this exchange, and once again brushed
>the errant lock of hair from his face as he closed the distance
>between himself and the group in front of him.

Mike: Fei studied the air.... so far, no red exclamation marks. He
knew the time was drawing near...

>"Capitain Katsuragi," the Gear pilot greeted as he stood at attention
>next to Asuka.

Crow: <Fei> Don't look now, but I'm saluting you too, Asuka.
Joel: <Asuka> In that case, we can skip the secret handshake.

>/ Mein Gott! I didn't even hear him step next to me! / Asuka thought
>as she whipped around, standing to face this boy. A small bit of
>surprise broke through to her eyes as they widened.

Joel: Hogan, Lebeau, and Dunkirk just ran another operation past
Colonel Asuka.
Crow: <Shinji> I know nothhingk.

>He wore the off-duty uniform of some paramilitary group from the US,
>black slacks, black turtle-neck, and a leather jacket which bore the
>SCOUTS logo.

Mike: In the future, The Boy Scouts of America will be the first line
and the last line of defense.

>He wore his long hair in a ponytail, except for a clump thathung bin
>front of his face.

Crow: <Author> I like writing but what I'd really like to do is...
hairdress.

>/ How does he move so quietly with those thick dress shoes on? Hey he
>seems familiar.../

Tom: <Fei, screaming> PUTTIN' ON DA RITZ!

>"Asuka, Shinji, This is the pilot of another mech that is joining our
>attachment," misato smiled, as she had seen him sneak up on Asuka
>with no effort.

Joel: <Misato> He is our operative in charge of wet willies.
Crow: <Asuka> Yow, well, he'll work.

>/ Not an easy feat, considering she has had NERV training. /

Mike: Well, they missed the aural nerv and the optic nerv.

>"Private, first class of the Special Counter Operations Urban Terror
>Section, pilot of Gear Unit-00, and the Tiger's Child. Fei Fong
>Wong."

Crow: <Asuka> And I'm Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca
Banana Balana-- Oh, shoot!
Tom: He used to be a lance corporal but he thought that Mr. T was
leading a terrorist strike on Studio City, Hollywood.

>"Pleased to meet you," Fei stated with a smile as he extended his
>hand to Misato.
>
>As she shook his hand and he exchanged pleaseantries with Shinji,
>Asuka interupted as only she could. "What do you mean Gear Unit 00,
>and whats this 'Tiger's Child' business?"

Mike: He's Tony's dirty little secret.

>"I am not an Evngelion pilot, so I don't get a number. The title was
>assigned by the Marduke institute. I assume it was just to keep the
>'Child' theme going... "

Joel: So THAT's what became of the "Baby Geniuses".

>"Huh," Shinji shrugged, "so whats a Gear?"

Crow: Oh, come on people... if we don't even have the groundwork for
the crossover, how will the illogical love interests follow??

>"Yeah, and if it's not an Eva, how can it fight the Angels?" Asuka
>added smugly. / If its not an Eva, it can't produce an AT feild. /

Mike: <Fei> Ha, your wimpy machine needs a FIELD? I've got Angel AR
with Raid! It kills Angels dead!

>"Trust him," Misato said, " it can. Ritsuko will be breifing us on it
>at HQ. C'mon, lets get the admiral to sign these transfer
>papers.......Oh shoot! Sorry Fei, but I must've left yours at my
>office."

Joel: Meanwhile, The Donald is in the boardroom, wondering which of
the three failed Apprentices in front of him is Fei Fong Wong.

>"No worries, we'll just sign em on land. Now, can you two," Fei said
>turning to the 'children' , "tell me about your Evangelions?"

Tom: <Shinji> Well, mine comes with the super-cool racing stripe and
has a coffee maker and a bitchin' stereo! And it also contains the
soul of my momma... Love ya, Momma!
Joel: Suddenly we've cut to the pilot episode of the "Mecha Dating
Game."
Mike: Remember folks, the pilots here are CHILDREN! And it's DOUBLE
ELIMINATION!

>Asuka smiled proudly as she began to speak, "Well MY Unit-02 is the...."
>
>"I must thank you Major," an old man with a robust mustache grumble
>to Misato, "for allowing me to baby-sit even MORE.....children." The
>last word was said in disgust.

Mike: Lieutenant Sipowicz tells Misato exactly where to kiss his ass!

>"Thank you admiral for your help in the marine transport of Unit-02
>and Weltall. If you could just sign these transfer papers..." she
>said, holding out a rather thick stack of printouts.

Crow: <Misato> We're getting out the votes, Admiral! This stack is
for your crew to vote Republican in California, this one in North
Carolina...

>"Not just yet, Major."
>
>"Then when?"

Tom: <Misato> When will "now" be now?
Joel: <Admiral> Soon.

>"Once your toys are safely unloaded from my ship. And don't you think
>over half of the pacific fleet is too much for such playthings?"

Crow: <Admiral> Dammit, Major! You're diverting valuable resources
from the Godzilla search!

>"No. Its not enough when you consider the value of your cargo. The
>Eva and Weltall are valuable to the futer of mankind."

Tom: The futer isn't what it used to be.
Mike: <Misato> Why, look here! Here's the pawn ticket for EVA-00!
And it says "Really Damn Valuable" on it! Now don't you feel
foolish?

>"Wow," Touji whispered to no one in particular, "She's awesome..."

Joel: It was hard to figure out where every last porthole led, but
Touji was a quick study.

>"Yeah....."Shinji Added, "She sounds Like Ritsuko.."
>
>"Hello their Admiral!" an unshaven, but handsome man greeted as he
>stepped onto the bridge.

Crow: <Harrison Ford> GET OFF MY BOAT!
Tom: Wow, that transfer paper storyline was absolutely riveting...
clearly, they had to break it up into three parts to do it true
justice. For now, though, I remain a sweaty mass of anticipation.

>"Mr Kaji! If you could please stop inviting yourself onto the
>bridge!" the admiral replied grumpily.

Joel: Kaji is definitely the Squiggy of the Navy.

>Misato looked as if she were going to be sick, as she muttered,
>"Kaji..?"

Mike: It was clear that he'd been sleeping somewhere south of the
bilges...

>"KAJI!!" Asuka squealed in delight, rushing to give the eternaly
>unshaven NERV agent a hug.
>
>"Hey there princess. Hows it going?"
>
>"Better now that your here Kaji.."

Tom: They finally have someone with a clear enough voice to sing "The
Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald".

>"Hey, ya old perv! Tsk Tsk.... they just keep gettin younger, eh?"
>Fei called out as a big grin spread on his face, "How ya been?!"
>
>Misato looked blue in the face, and her eye twitched as her teeth
>ground. Asuka Looked mortified at Fei's comment

Crow: Pretty soon we'll be treated to an outbreak of "Pederast-o", the
fun game for the whole family...

>Kaji turned his rougish grin from the fiery red-head attached to his
>arm to the long-haired pilot grinning right back at him, "Ah, the
>'Wild Child'! How've you been Fei beating the ladies off with a
>stick?"

Crow: <Fei> H-Hey! That was a mistake! I thought transsexual
meant... oh! Um... yeah. Heh.
Mike: Fei knew the day would come, the day when his secret identity of
"Ike Turner" would finally be revealed.

>"Hardly, well except for those techie girls. I don't get to go out
>much..."

Tom: <techie girl> Let's just check under the hood here... whoa, nice
schematics!

>"Kaji, lets get something to eat!" Asuka squealed as she drug said
>man out of the bridge.

Joel: Not since Urkel pined for love unrequited has a crush ever been
so inappropriate.

>/ Wow, she sure can put on a cutesy act. I'da thought that that
>woulda gotten me a slap from what I saw her doin' to whats his
>face...oh yeah Touji... /
>"Yeah," Fei said, "Food sounds good, eh Shinji. Major, how bout it?"

Tom: <Misato> Oh, how nice, are you paying?
Crow: <Fei> No, I'm saying, "Make me dinner!"

>"(grumble.......)I guess...(damn Kaji....)."

Joel: <Misato> I'll watch everybody eat junk food while I enjoy all
the tasteTASTIC delights of my garden salad with NO dressing....

>"C'mon Guys. I don't know about you, but MREs aren't my cup'o'tea."
>
>The group sat around a lunch table in the ship's mess hall, chatting
>non-chalantly. Misato looked quite perturbed at the fact that Kaji
>was currently running his foout up and down her leg.

Mike: <Kaji> Damn mosquito bite... why is the table leg so damn
smooth??
Crow: Yeah, I'd be rather perturbed too, especially when I figure out
what Kaji is doing.

>"So, Major, do you.... Have a boyfreind?" Kaji smoothly asked.
>
>"I don't think thats any of your business," she replied as she pulled
>her legs under her seat.

Joel: <Kaji> Damn! Her plan is foolproof! How can I harass her now??
Crow: <Kaji> Do you have a love slave? I'm available with references
upon request!

>" Shinji," Kaji said, turning his gaze to the Third Child, "I hear
>your living with major Katsuragi."
>
>"Um, yeah."
>
>"So tell me, " Kaji asked slyly, " is she stil so.." Kaji paused
>dramaticaly, "wild in bed?"

Tom: <Shinji> Not necessarily... but she really has a fondness for the
bedpost.

>The occupants of the table were shocked to say the least. Misato
>slammed her fists on the table so hard, the cups of cofee jumped, and
>the plates shook as if an earthquake had hit.

Mike: <table> That's it, I'm calling rent control.

>"You jerk! Where do you get off saying something like that?!?!"

Joel: <Kaji> Usually in my room but you're special.

>"No, still the same, eh Shinji?"
>
>Fei's shocked look turned to laughter,a s he saw the smug look on
>Kaji's face.
>
>"I guess.....but, how'd you know my name?"

Tom: <Fei> The Toastyfrog Thumbnail Theater rocks! "Oh Father, you've
broken my poor sulky angst-ridden teenage heart yet again." HA!

>Fei piped in, " Know your name? Your the famous 'Third Child' that
>took down an Angel untrained in his first ride in an Eva!"
>
>Asuka's look finaly shifted from surprise to anger as Kaji threw in
>is two cents, "Your an important name in the defense biz these days
>ya know."

Joel: This missile defense system is a real Shinji!
Mike: <Shinji> All I did was set the controls to "puree" and hold on
real tight.

>Misato was blue in the face, muttering something along the lines of,
>" This must be a nightmare...."

Tom: She's STILL blue in the face? She must have more brain damage
than Rocky Balboa!

>Overlooking the flight deck, on a walkway around one ofe the command
>decks, Asuka and Ryouji Kaji looked ou toward the sea.

Joel: <Kaji> I spy with my little eye some... thing... blue!
Tom: <Asuka> *sigh*

>"So," Kaji began, "What dou you think of the Gear pilot?"

Mike: <Asuka> More than I think of your pitiful attempt at a French
accent.

>"Fei? He seems like a jerk. How could you let him talk to you like
>that?"

Crow: <Kaji> He owes me money. He can snipe at me all he wants but in
the end, that money's still climbing into my pockets.

>"Oh, He was just kidding around. Iv'e known him for quite some time.
>He's a nice guy at heart, and has a pretty high sense of honor too."
>
>"Pff. If you say so."
>
>"What about Shinji?"

Joel: <Shinji> Baby steps to the EVA... baby steps to the EVA...
You'll help me, won't you Gill?

>"The Third? He's just Boreing."
>
>"And yet, his sync ratio in combat was well over forty percent with
>no prior training.."

Tom: And his punches average 1850 PSI.

>Asuka's eyes grew large with shock as she responded, "Mein Gott!"

Mike: What If D-Day Failed, Episode 15: Nazis Ride the Waves.

>Shinji, Misato, Fei, Touji, and Kenuske rode the escalotor from the
>decks below.

All: Whee!
Crow: <Kensuke> I can't wait to visit Spencer's and Gumballs!
Joel: <Misato> Use the handerholds! They're there for a reason!

>"Wow...Cool.." Kensuke's mantra since boarding the Over the Rainbow
>continued as he caught every miniscule detail on tape.

Joel: Boarding the WHAT? Did this fic just drop acid or what?

>Fei looked troubled.

Mike: <Fei> Exactly how did we end up on Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat
Ride again?

>The feeling that something would go wrong began nagging the back of
>his mind. Like an annoying bug bite, the feeling would not leave him.

Crow: Surely the winged horse grazing around the deck guns wouldn't
harm him... or the flying pigs...

>He ran a hand through his pony-tail as Shinji spoke up, starting a
>conversation for the first time since Fei had met him. / Must be a
>shy guy. /

Tom: <Shinji> Wanna ride the escolator?
Mike: <Fei> Do I?!

>"That Kaji seems.....Interesting." The third Child ventured.
>
>Misato replied with a venemous retort, "He hasn't changed a bit,
>the shouvanistick pig!"

Joel: The fanfic's hooked on phonics!
Crow: Strange, I thought it was heroin.

>"Oh, he's not so bad, Major, just a big kidder," Fei sighed.
>
>"Yeah, and pigs fly, she spat."

Mike: <Fei> Yeah, I know. Over that rainbow Kensuke climbed, by the
"escolator". This is the Aircraft Carrier that Physics Forgot.

>Sudenly, a voice boomed from the landing above, "Hey Third Child and
>Tiger boy, Your coming with me!"

Crow: <Fei> Why? Usually Basil Exposition calls my nifty mobile
phone.

>It was Asuka, standing proudly with a hand on her hip and a
>condescending look on her face.

Joel: <falsetto> And with rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
and a bone through her nose, ho-ho.

>Asuka led the two males to another ship, via a small transport
>helicopter. Little was said during the breif ride, which did not help
>Fei's uneasiness, and the fact that he felt like he had met her
>before.

Tom: Man, this is the worst episode of 'Fifth Wheel' yet.

>/ Boy, I hope I'm wrong, but I can't shake the feeling that
>somethings happening. And what does Red here want with us? And have I
>met her before? /

Crow: <Fei, gruffly> Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have
to keep on my toes.

>The group of pilots finally arrived at the red-head's destination. A
>canvas tent large enough to park a private jet under.

Joel: <Asuka> Gentlemen, may I present Colonel Glen Manning.

>The entire stern of the transport ship was occupied with this cargo.
>
>"This," she began as she lifted the canvas from the ground, "is what
>I wanted to show you."

Mike: <Fei> THAT'S the redhead I was thinking! Where in heck did you
find that, Scully?
Tom: <Shinji> Hmm, yes, is it a tortured look at man's inhumanity to
man or a stinking critique of Japanese culture?

>Through the opening of the tent, a large red, almost human form could
>be seen. It lay on it's stomach in a vat of coolant, with it's head
>to the side.

Tom: Thirty years later and they're still trying to dejuice Violet
Beauregarde.

>The Evangelion was painted a red color, with white and yellow to
>accent it.
>
>Fei was awed by the sight. Never before had he actually seen a
>completed Eva, and its more natural curves contrasted Weltalls more
>sharp Angles.

Mike: <Shinji, squeaky> This EVA makes me feel all funny inside.

>Not that Weltall was all corners, but The Eva definately looked more
>organic in nature. Asuka nimbly climbed onto the Eva's back, and
>stood proudly over the Termination Plug.

Tom: She must have studied at the Jonathan Frakes School of Dramatic
Posturing.
Crow: <Shinji> Asuka, no... Asuka... no! No no no! It's already your
EVA, stop marking your territory!!

>"Units zero and one were the prototype and test type, respectively.
>But My Unit two is the world's first Evangelion made for actual
>combat. Its the final production model. And its also not just some
>stupid big robot-"

Mike: <Asuka> You know, the kind they have on those preachy pretentious
animes like Evangelion?

>Asuka's gloating was cut off by the sound of an explosion, followed
>by the subsequent rocking of the ship. Amazingly, the fiery red-head
>was able to maintain her balance on her perch atop the Eva.
>
>"Undersea shock wave!" she cried.

Joel: I told you we shoulda sunk the Bismarck!

>"And it sounded close!" Shinji shouted, as his head turned to the
>direction the sound had come from.
>
>"Shit, lets check it out!" Fei called running to the wall created by
>the canvas covering.

Joel: <Fei> You first, Shinji.
Crow: <Shinji> Huh? AAAAAAAaaaaaaahhahhhhhhhhh......... *splash*

>Asuka and Shinji rushed out under the cloth Fei held up for them. The
>three pilots rushed to the side of the ship, and gasped at what they
>saw.

Mike: <Shinji> HEY, YOU! YEAH, YOU GREENPEACE MORONS! SOD OFF!

>Plumes of water shot into the air as an unbeleivably large, yet swift
>form glided through the ocean.

Tom: <sheepishly> No, I'm not Cthulhu. It's me, Woody. I'm fairly
sure your boat isn't kosher, and I'd rather not risk it without my
rabbi's permission.

>"Angel!" Shinji shouted.
>
>"A real one?" Asuka asked in a worried tone.

Joel: <Asuka> I didn't hear a bell? Did you hear a bell?
Tom: <Fei> Damn right I heard a bell... it's dinner time, and we're on
the menu!

>"We gotta find Misato." Shinji said.
>
>Asuka's face turned towards the temporary struccture behind her.
>"Vundabar.."

Tom: Apokolips is invading? Now?
Joel: The angel has already breached the narration and the integrity
has eroded to 90%...

>"I'm headin back to the 'Over the Rainbow'!" Fei called as he headed
>toward the bow of the ship./ I hope Bear's getting Weltall
>Prepped.../

Mike: <Fei> Gonna shoot me some bluebirds and melt my troubles like
lemon-drops.

>Asuka could be seen retreiving a large duffel bag from her Eva's
>place of rest, and dragging Shinji off towards the crew quarters.

Tom: <Asuka> Like hell I'm going through the metal detector with this.
C'mere, Shinji...

>To Be Continued
>
>Neon Genesis Evangelion : Eye of the Tiger
>
>Chapter Two - A Real One!?

Crow: Oh good. But what does that make the previous chapter?
Mike: It's new "I Can't Believe It's Not a Narrative", with 55% less
cholesterol and 1/3 less details!

>[english]

Joel: This fanfic is presented in stuffy British for the humor
impaired.

>/thoughts /
>*comm devices*

Mike: What the heck, are we playing $20,000 Pyramid now?

>Fei stepped to the railing of bow of the cargo ship. An unlit
>cigarette hung from his lips as he looked to the super carrier 'Over
>the Rainbow'.

Crow: Right next to the Ultra-Behemoth Death-Class MegaFrigate "Fluffy
Pink Bunny".
Joel: Hey, that's not Fei, it's Doonesbury!

>On the flight dec sat on of the largest troop transport copters ever
>built. Sleek black, large enough to move an Evangelion with support
>crew, and was able to fly with four sets of rotors, it was the pride
>of the SCOUTS.

Mike: Though they mostly used it to scare the living crap out of Dale
Gribble.

>Currently, it was being unloaded and refuled as it prepared to lift
>off to escape the Angel's attack. After lighting the cigarette with a
>flat black lighter, a gloved hand lifted a small radio from Fei's
>belt to his face and began to speak into it.

Joel: <Fei> Dammit, I told the boys upstairs that the Mayflower was
not ready yet!

>"[Wild Child to Bear, do you copy? Over.]"

Tom: <radio, tinny singing> Look for the... bear necessities, the
simple bear necessities...

>*[This is Bear. I copy. Over]*

Crow: <Bear> But we're almost out of toner. Over.

>"[I need the beast fueled and prepped for remote activation. Over]"

Joel: <Fei> Make sure the defroster is on and that one of my good CDs
is in the stereo.

>*[Roger that Fei. Way ahead of ya there. Weltall is fueled and ready
>for launch. Unfortunately, no weapons could be unloaded from the
>bird. Over]*
>
>"[Roger. You guts should probably just lift off. It's not safe for a
>bird here anymore. Over.]"

Joel: <Fei> C'mon, it's the Danger Zone. We zip in, we beat them the
hell up, we zip right out again. We're not going to Moscow, it's the
Danger Zone. It's like we're going into Wisconsin.
Tom: <Shinji> Well, I got the crap kicked out of me in Wisconsin once.
Forget it!

>*[We're heading to port. I'll see you there pilot. Over]*
>
>"[Thanks Bear. Oh, and can you feed Fluffy when you land? The little
>beast is probably hungry. Over.]"

Joel: <Fei> Just feed 'im a few Grail questers. He likes it when they
run. Just make sure they're not carrying the Holy Hand Grenade of
Antioch, 'kay?

>*[Heh- will do pilot. Now, don't you have an enemy to fight?]*

Crow: Fighting?? Go on!

>The cigarette fell from the long-haired youth's mouth as a look of
>determination spread across his face. "[Roger that Bear.]"

Tom: If they wanted Cid from FF7, why did they not WRITE Cid from FF7?
Mike: <clutches his head> I don't know.

>Fei cliped the radio back onto his belt, then began to remove his
>jacket. The leather fell to the ground with a thump, followed by hus
>black turtle neck and his pants.

Joel: Hey, Fei, this is the *ocean*. Notice that there's no P in it.
Tom: Oh, I get it... Fei is trying to provide a distraction.
Mike: It worked, I'm staring at my shoes now.

>Standing on the deck of the transpert vessel, Fei slid his pistol
>into the holster built into the black pilot suit that he was wearing.
>The same suit he always wore under his uniform.

Crow: <Sean Connery> Careful... some thingshhh don't reshpond well to
bulletshhhh.
Joel: <Fei> I'm on a mission from Deus.

>A flat black, the suit conformed to his body much like an Eva pilot's
>plug suit. Created with stealth infiltration and the need to survive
>in mind, this particular 'sneak suit' had all of the life support
>systems that the plug suits had, a holster for two pistols built in,
>and mounts to hang clips of ammo onto.

Tom: Oh! He bought it from President Bensen after the mission to get
the guys who had to get the guys who had to get the guys in Iraq,
right?
Mike: Uh, dude? This is Fei, the guy who demolished Gears with his
BARE HANDS. Giving him guns is like giving the Terminator a
switchblade.

>/ Time to show this angel that he chose the wrong convoy to mess
>with. /

Mike: Does that make Fei Rubber Duck or Pig Pen?
Tom: <Angel> B-3.
Crow: <Fei> Crap, there goes our cruiser... we still have four left,
you jerk!

>Fei pressed a small button on the digital watch built into his sneak
>suit."

Joel: The "Over the Rainbow's" garage door opened.
Mike: <Fei> Dammit! This was supposed to activate "Spaceballs: The
Cutting Laser".

>"Weltall remote activation sequence begin," Fei proclaimed.
>
>Asuka layed next to the entry hatch of her beloved Unit-02 as she
>worked a small control panel built into the Eva's back.

Crow: <Eva> MMMM. LOWER.
Tom: She's trying to find the super-secret "Dyno-mutt" capabilities.

>"Asuka," Shinji yelled to his hot-headed fellow pilot, " What do we
>need these flight suits for?"

Crow: <Asuka> To appeal to the fangirls by showing off your cute butt
and exaggerated package, now stop asking dumb questions!

>Asuka looked down to the Third Child. Clad in a red female issue plug
>suit just like hers and ising his arms in a futile attempt to cover
>hhimself, he was a comical site to behold.

Joel: Just like that other comical site, the Biggest Ball of Twine in
Minnesota.

>"Are you stupid?" Asuka replied, "Were going to fight the Angel!"
>
>"Shouldn't we ask Misato?"

Crow: She's still trying to pull harp shrapnel out of her butt.

>Just then the entry hatch opened and the entry plug twisted out of
>place, and the cockpit opened up. Asuka motioned for Shinji to join
>her as she replied, "I'll get her permission after the fact."

Tom: <Shinji> So you need ME and my inferior brain to fly that thing?
Joel: <Asuka> Correction, I need the superior information in your
inferior brain to fly this thing.

>Asuka climbed into the pilot's seat leaving shinji to position
>himself behind her, overlooking the controls and veiwscreen.
>
>Inside the cockpit of Gear Unit-00, a small light on the right
>control stick began to flash. A monotone feminine voice could be
>heard, if anyone was in said unit.

Mike: <Gear> Greetings Starfighter, You have been recruited by the
Star League to defend the frontier from Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada.

>"Remote activation sequence confirmed. Scanning terrain. Over-sea
>terrain confirmed. Possible underwater conflict. Adjusting seal
>pressure. Confirmed. Activation sequence starting."

Crow: Clipped sentences module active. Boring monotone levels check.
Needless voiceovers commencing.

>All of the controls lit up simultaneously. The surrounding veiw
>screen sprang to life, and on it, the black transport helicopter
>could be seen lifting off. But this was of no consequence to Weltall.

Joel: For you see, Weltall was a WASP who made a point not to converse
with the "help".
Tom: Truly this would be Choplifter's greatest challenge to date.

>The sensor panel began beeping an alarm as, once again, the monotone
>female voice spoke, "Enemy designated 'Angel' confirmed. Searching
>for location of pilot...Pilot location confirmed. Engine starting.
>All systems powering up. Weltall launching."

Mike: <Asuka> That's just a fly, you yutz.

>A deck hand walking by the still head of Weltall got the shock of his
>life as the dormant machine's eyes lit up.

Joel: Maybe he should pick his next couch fort location a bit better.

>Shining a brilliant yellow, they turned, along with it'e head to the
>miniscule being next to it. The young Navy recruit ran away. Fast.
>Weltall's head righted itself, as the giant machine sat up on the
>deck.

Tom: <Weltall> Professor? Assistant Scott? Where the hell am I!?

>On the bridge of the 'Over the Rainbow', Touji and Kensuke (through
>his video camera) watched as Misato bickered with the crusty old
>Admiral about the current predicament.

Mike: <Admiral> No way... if the symbolism is so deep that I can't
even get it, you can't tell me that this show is thought-provoking.
Crow: <Misato> But it's Evangelion! The big robots themselves are
symbolic of like a half-dozen memes!

>Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on you point of veiw, the two
>were cut off by the cry of a crewman monitoring the flight deck.

Joel: <Crewman> Yahtzee!

>"Oh my God! Gear Unit-00 has just activated itself!"
>
>The bridge crew and visitors all looked down to where the Gear had
>been laying, only to se it slip into the water under it's own power.
>An audible splash, and accompanying water hit the deck crew like a
>miniature hurricane, with deckhands running about in all directions.

Joel: Steve Zissou's going to crap his pants.
Tom: If only someone thought to *secure* the cargo, it wouldn't be
laying at the bottom of a trench right now...

>"Sir! Unit-02 is begining it's activation progress too!"
>
>The Admiral grabbed a microphone and began to bellow into it, "Cancel
>the start-up of Unit-02!"

Mike: <Deckhand> Like hell, sir... we only know where "control" and
"alt" are. YOU find "delete".

>"Don't listen to that old fool Asuka!," Misato yelled into the mic as
>she wrenched it from the old man's grip, "GO!"
>
>Fei felt the rush of air behind him as the red behemoth that was
>Evangelion Unit-02 jumped into the air wrapped in the canvas that had
>covered it's sleeping form.

Crow: <EVA> I CAN'T FIGHT EVIL WITHOUT MY BLANKIE!
Mike: Linus Van Pelt: The Next Generation

>As the red mech flew over head, the massive form of Welltall burst
>from the water in front of the long-haired pilot. As the sea-spray
>dusted his face, he jumped toward the chest plate of the gear.

Tom: Interesting place for a Swiffer product placement.

>In response to his leap, the gear's chest armor split, and a small
>door slid upward unveiling the cockpit of the mechanical monster. The
>pony-tailed youth landed in the entrance to his small lair, and sat
>in the soft contro chair.

Crow: Yet with all that, Bear Snores On.

>The control center of the giant robot was shut off from the rest of
>the world when the entrance sealed itself along with the chest armor.
>Veiwscreens came to life as a contol panel slid over Fei's lap.

Tom: Fei knew he had to install the comfy chair, Everquest was a
demanding mistress.

>He reached over to the side and produced a sleek black helmet over
>his head, and stowed his clothes where he had gotten the protective
>gear.

Joel: <Fei> I'll show Hayden how to be a Sith Lord.
Tom: Remember, Fei, always let the Angel win.

>The forward veiwscreen came alive with activity when the very ship
>that Fei and Unit-02 had resided on explode in a flurry of water.

Mike: Today's Navy... makes boats out of water! It's a wonder why
their recruiting is down...
Crow: I just got a very strong Superfriends vibe.

>The monotone voice of Weltall's computer proclaimed, "A-9 nerve
>connection in place. Weltall activation complete."

Joel: And without lighting Weltall's nose to boot! Good job, the
Operation is a success!

>"Activate Booster System." Fei said through his helmet.
>
>"Booster System active."

Crow: If he's going to have to manually name every freaking function,
this battle will take forever...
Mike: <Fei> Cigarette lighter charging... charging... charging...

>"Then lets rock'n'roll Weltall," Fei smugly commanded as his hands
>covered the control, and he dropped the gear under water.

Tom: Teddy Kennedy would be proud.
Joel: <Fei> Ooops... maybe I should've tied it to my wrist.

>Asuka Piloted her Eva with practiced skill hopping from ship to ship,
>all the while the aquatic Angel hot on her heels. Behind her, Shinji
>held on the the control chair for dear life as his stomach heavily
>protested the current motions his body was forced to endure.

Joel: NERV would punish those Zooks, with their butter-side down...
they'd spray their bar-blasts and nail their bloinks to the ground!

>Asuka, on the other hand, had a look of euphoria on her face.
>
>"We have less than a minute's power!" Shinji cried after glancing at
>the power guage.

Mike: <Asuka> Damn. Next time Ken Mattingly gives me a startup
sequence, I'm going to tell him to shove it up his nose.

>"Right," the red head replied. "Misato," she called after activating
>the comm system, "Get that external power supply onto the deck!"
>
>"Okay Asuka!" the older woman called over the intercom.

Joel: <Misato> I'm rubbing my feet on the carpet as fast as I can!

>A moment later, a vid-window popped up to the left of the two pilots.
>The figure depicted in the window was helmeted sitting in a cockpit
>similar to the entry plug the two Eva pilots were currently sitting
>in. The caption under the window read 'Gear-00'.

Tom: <figure> Lo and behold for I am mysterious! Go for your dreams
and know that I will periodically appear at random to offer
encouragement but take no more than a potshot at thine enemy! Bye
now!

>"Wild Child to Red. Do you copy?" the helmeted face called.
>
>"RED?!?!?!? Who do you think you are?" Asuka yelled back.

Crow: <Fei> This isn't the CBC and you aren't Red Green? I wanted to
know how duct tape can help me defeat the Angels!

>"Fei?" Shinji yelled.
>
>"Yeah. Whats your situation?"
>
>Shinji opened his mouth to reply, but Misato butted in over the comm,
>"Fei, you need to keep Unit-02 out of the water! It's using B-type
>equipment!"

Crow: <Misato> The water wings aren't ready yet!
Tom: If only they had the Malibu Barbie attachment pack for the EVA
unit.

>"SHEIST!" Asuka cried, "I forgot. Damn it."
>
>"Whats B-type equipment?"
>
>"It's impossible to fight with it underwater!" Misato called over the
>comm.

Joel: Thanks for the clarification!

>Asuka steered her Eva toward the super carrier after she saw that the
>external power supply was set up. "Unit-02 coming in for a landing!"
>
>Misato was royaly pissed. Not only did she have to deal with the
>moronic admiral of the pacific fleet, but Kaji had run out on them.
>Flying off in a custom fighter, she had left her to 'handle things'.

Mike: Kaji was rather distressed to find out that he was actually a
woman, and threw a snit to end all snits.

>Added to that was the untested (against Angels at least) Gear being
>the only viable way to fight the Angel, since Unit-02 was using
>equipment not meant for underwater combat.

Joel: Hey, we're just preparing you for the big test, it's up to you
to absorb the facts.

>Kensuke, on the other hand, was in tears. When Unit-02 had landed on
>the flight deck, the ship had tipped, allowing a good number of the
>fighter jets on deck fall to their watery graves.

Crow: Creating Davy Jones' Air Force.
Mike: The Arialbots' dedication to maintaining their disguise will
not be soon forgotten.

>Though to his eyes, the battle that was commencing was blurry, his
>camcorder caught it clearly. At least, the parts it could see.

Tom: <Kensuke, singing> *sniff* W-When you're a J-jet, you're a Jet
all the way-y-y...
Mike: The Sharks savoured their victory and meal.

>The red Eva stood proudly as the geyser of water that the Angel
>created neared the carrier that Unit-02 stood upon. The left shouler
>wing opened up, producing a progressive knife.

Mike: Shoulder blade, eh?
Joel: Leave it to the boys to make the girl clean and gut the angel...

>Looking like a box cutter, the newest model's prog knife could be
>snapped apart in case part of the blade was broken, and more of the
>sharp edge extended.

Tom: And yet somehow it was perfectly safe for children to carve their
Halloween pumpkins with.

>The Production model held the relatively miniscule weapon toward the
>oncoming enemy.

Tom: It was the only thing that the EVA could smuggle through customs,
give it a break.

>The two Eva pilots became a bit confused when the geyser turned off
>course, away from the fleet. Without warning a splash erupted
>directly ahead of the Angel, and Weltall flew into the air.

Mike: Lew Zealand! Get out of the fanfic and take your flying
Weltalls with you!

>A sleek black, with red and white trim, the boosters on the gear's
>back flared to life, keeping it aloft. The angel jumped from beneath
>the waves, it's giant form boasting grace it shouldn't have and
>enough teeth to make a dentist cry.

Crow: Who's narrating this? Michael Buffer?
Mike: Weltall's strategy to entrap the Angel with clauses was
proceeding... dare I say it? Swimmingly.

>"Damn it!" Fei cried over the intercom, "Red, you got any weapons?"

Joel: <Fei> No, throwing Shinji at it would just make it madder!

>The Angels jump from the water came just short of snatching Weltall
>in it's mighty maw.

Joel: Chop on, yon Kitchenaid! Process that food with great vim and
vinegar!

>In it's rage, the monster snapped its teeth at the Gear's feet as it
>fell beneath the waves once more.
>
>"Just the prog knife, cat boy." Asuka replied.

Crow: <Fei> Hand me that stick up your ass, it sounds far more deadly.
Joel: <Fei> Thank god I'm not fighting Barugon.

>"Damn."
>
>The Angel seemed to decide that the flying target was more trouble
>than it was worth for now, as it streaked for Unit-02 once again. It
>surfaced, once again opening the great chasm that was it's mouth, and
>leapt onto the carrier, intent on snatching the red Eva in it's
>mouth.

Mike: <Angel> Ahh, red snappa!
Joel: Ehh, just give me the box that Hiro-san is bringing down the
aisle.

>Asuka had no time to use her weapon as the monster dug it's teeth
>into her mech's torso, and dragged the immobile Eva with it into the
>cold ocean.

Crow: This must be the angel Sarah McLachlan was droning on about.

>Misato and Fei, summed up their emotions in one word, at the same
>time, "FUCK!"

Tom: Gendo, on the other hand, was enthused. He always wanted to star
in an episode of "Sealab: 2010"

>"Fei, you need to get Asuka and Shinji out of there," Misato ordered
>with a hint of desperation.
>
>"Roger," Weltall's pilot said, as he willed his gear to drop to the
>deck.

Mike: <Fei> Got a can opener and oh, say about forty hours to spare?
Crow: <Fei> Uhhhhhhhh! UHHHHHHH... oh wait, there's a lever. *thump*
There we go.

>Unit-02's umbillical cable, the life sustaining energy source for an
>Evangelion, had almost run out. The yellow green eyes of Weltall
>observed the cable become taught.

Tom: Meanwhile, Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman hid behind a blast
shield, giddy with anticipation.
Joel: While Curt Gowdy and "guest of the week" Herve Villechaize just
shook their heads at the one that was getting away.

>Fei had heard Capt. Katsuragi warn his fellow pilots of the coming
>shock, but a plan was already forming in his mind.

Crow: And the plan has "Brainy Smurf" written all over it.

>He observed on a vid-window to his left, the Angel turning to once
>again clamp down on the Eva it had extracted from the deck. He tuned
>out the chatter of the other pilots.

Tom: <Fei> Shut up, SHUT UP! Damn you, Origin!

>He then, took action.

Mike: <Alec Guiness> Use the force, Fei...

>Weltall jumped over the side of the ship, and gripped the power line
>loosely, and used it to guide him to the Angel. Weltall sliped
>through the water, assisted by his boster's, until he ran into
>Unit-02.

Tom: Evangelion: Poopie Edition will return after these messages!

>"Watch it dumkopf!" Asuka screeched at him.
>
>"Sorry. Still got your knife?"
>
>"Yeah," Shinji said.

Joel: Oh man, they're going to reenact the last twenty-five seconds of
"Beat It".

>"Okay. I have a plan. I'll free you from fish-lips here, and you two
>stab the core."

Tom: Then stab Armageddon, then The Day After Tomorrow, then Volcano,
then...

>"Thats crazy! we have to climb into it's mouth?!?!" Asuka screeched
>irately.
>
>"Hey, your already half way there, and besides, it's the fastest
>way."

Crow: <Asuka> Uh-huh. Should I drench my EVA in white or red wine?

>Misato chose this moment to intervene, "I agree with Fei. Carry out
>the plan."

Crow: <Misato> I have a $20 bet with the angel that an EVA tastes like
chicken.

>"Yes mam," Asuka said dejectedly.
>
>"Good," Fei said, "GO!"

Joel: <Fei> Wait! We need to sauce you up first!

>Weltall's hands gripped the mouth of the beast. The Angel's teeth
>slid neatly from Unit-02's body. The red mech, now free, pulled it's
>way into the enemy's body with the Prog Knife held firmly in hand.

Mike: <Fish> I should warn you, I paid the Snorks for protection,
they'll be here any minute.

>Fei's arms burned and angry red marks appeard on his hands about
>where Weltall's met teeth. The strain put on the gear was transfered
>to him through the Neural link, much like an Eva. A small alarm rang,
>and the status console lit up from warnings of iminent joint seal
>ruptures.

Joel: I hope Fei knows that the warranty is void if seal is broken.

>He could feel his limbs locking up as water rushed into the gear's
>elbows, wrists and shoulders. But he could hold out. Asuka and Shinji
>were almost there. "Hurry up you two...ghh...."

Crow: Apparently, Gamera is a friend to *most* children.

>In the cockpit of Unit-02, Asuka and Shinji pressed forward, toward
>the Angel's core. Fei's grunts of discomfort came over the intercom.

Tom: <Eric Idle> Now lesson two, noises. Noises are a major
embarrassment source. Even words like tits, winkle, and vibraphone
cannot rival the embarrassment potential of sounds.

>But they couldn't move any faster. B-type equipment made underwater
>movement sluggish at best. So, they were forced to move at a crawl.

Crow: May I delicately suggest that the author take off their B-type
equipment too?

>After what seemed like forever, but was in fact a few momwents, they
>had reached the core.

Mike: <Shinji> Mmmm, creamy nougat center!

>Ecstatic, Asuka pushed forward onto her control yoke, and with a
>scream of fury willed her Eva to stab the knife into the red glowing
>gem before her. The monster of a mech was more than willing to comply
>as the knife slid cleanly into the solid sphere that was the Angel's
>heart.

Crow: Fei would have cheered but he was too busy bloating.

>Fei heard the scream, and saw the stab, but then, everything was
>white. The sound of exposive fury surrounded him, and then, he was
>tossed into the air.

Mike: Wow, the secret origin story of Mecha Guy!
Joel: <singing> Fei... was a pilot true, he sank in the ocean blue,
but then he was shot up into the skyyyy! And then he became the hero
known as Mecha Guyyyy! Mecha Guy!

>He saw Unit-02 as well, and he followed it's sight all the wat to
>it's safe landing on the Super air-craft carrier. He was not so
>lucky. Weltall landed on it's back with a crash, it's arms locked up
>and unable to move.

Mike: Well, that's what happens when you keep mashing the X button.
Crow: Let's all chip in and buy Fei a Funnoodle.

>"Ouch," Fei winced, as he willed the Gear to it's sleep, and the
>shutdown process began.

Tom: The Gear took an additional three minutes to shut down as Fei has
'Happy Happy Joy Joy' for his logoff .wav.

>Sore all over, Fei climbed out of the cockpit. His long hair flowed
>down his back as he pulled the helmet off of his head.

Joel: Look guys! His hair's gonna be okay!
All: Yayyy!

>Wit a glance to his right, he could see the entry plug of Unit-02 had
>already been ejected, and the two pilots were exiting the red
>behemoth. He smiled as he gave the two a thumbs-up. The pair returned
>the gesture and began their descent to the deck.

Crow: CROW - 15000 XP - Level up! Snark +7 Endurance +9 Snideness
+3 Wisdom -15.
Mike: Da da da dah da-da DAH DAH DAH!

>Asuka rushed the jeep that Dr. Ritsuko Akagi and Capt. Misato
>Katsuragi were riding in port. It had been only a short trip left
>afeter the Angel attack.

Mike: With exciting ports of call to Hong Kon... oh wait, that's
underwater. Singapo... oh, that is too. Umm.... Kansas City?

>"Where's Kaji?!?! Did he see?!?!" an excited Asuka gleefuly
>questioned the purpl-haired captain.
>
>"That jerk took off the moment things got too hot!"

Tom: <Mamoru Chiba> Much he has learned, my young padawan.

>Fei and Shinji, who was wearing the former's jacket to cover the red
>plug suit's 'extra pectoral room', rode the gangway to the cement
>dock.

Joel: Wow... I would have just knocked out a couple walls on the
pectoral room to make the abdomen room look a bit more airy and open.

>Unit-02 was being unloaded by a crane. Not too far away, the enormous
>heliopter from the SCOUTS rested, currently having the rest of it's
>load hauled away. A tall figure, dressed in a suit similar to Feis
>leaned against the side of the copter, smoking a cigarette.

Crow: So basically the machines are the stars and the characters are
the backdrop, I think it's time we admitted that.

>He waved to the pair, but stayed where he was. Touji and Kensuke
>joined the pair of pilots, as Misato's jeep pulled up.
>
>"C'mon," she said to the group, motioning to the seats behind her.
>Asuka was already aboard. "Where heading over to HQ," she conitinued.

Mike: They've got to be ready to stop Cobra Commander's next plan.

>Hours later
>
>NERV headquarters, located beneath the fortress city of Tokyo-3, was
>housed in a Geo-Front.

Joel: <Fei> Hey, didn't they film 'The Weird Al Show' here!?

>Composed of many facilities above and below ground, the central
>control room was located in the metallic pyramid known as Central
>Dogma. In this modern mockery of the ancient Egytan's greatest
>acheivments, stood Fei, Misato, Shinji, Asuka, and a gruff older man
>Fei had introduced as 'Bear', his guardian while he was stationed in
>America.

Mike: And don't forget Silent Bob, in the back. He's kinda quiet.

>The conference room was by no means small, and even had a flat screen
>projector installed for 'war meetings'.

Joel: <Shinji> All right, who's up for making fun of old VD training
films?

>Dr. Ritsuke Akagi, a rather attractive blonde woman with a mole on
>her cheek like a tear, entered the room, followed by a short-haired
>female tech (who looked positively giddy at the moment), and a petite
>girl about the age of the other pilots.

Tom: Elle Macpherson, a hopped-up Nicole Ritchie, and Dakota Fanning
enter the scene!
Crow: <tech> I'm in a fanfic! Hi Mom!

>She had pale skin, and her hair was a soft blue, but her Eye's caught
>the new pilot's attention. A blood red, they seemed to be familiar to
>him, as if something was tugging at the brink of his conciousness.

Mike: <Fei> Don't try to force 'em, lady, just eat a can of beans and
let it come.

>The long haired youth was snapped ut of his reverie as the blonde
>woman spoke.
>
>"Hello Fei. I'm Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, Head of E-Project, this is my
>assistant, Lt. Maya Ibuki," she said motioning to the smaller tech,
>"And this is Pilot Rei Ayanami," She finished motioning to the albino
>Girl."

Joel: <Fei> Hmm, I'm bad with names. I'll just call you Bubbles,
Blossom and Buttercup.

>"Pleased to meet you. I'm Pilot Fei Fong Wong, and this is my
>guardian Lt. Heind, but everyone calls him Bear." Fei said politely.

Mike: <Fei> Because no matter how many times he asks, I do NOT want a
BJ.

>"Not for much longer," the Doctor said, "Capt. Katsuragi will be
>taking over that dutie."

Joel: <Doctor> I'll be zapping the spellchecker with the nearest
defibrillator.

>"Like I said Fei," the up 'till now silent Bear said, "When I heard
>the captain was takin' care of the squirt there (no offense) I asked
>that she be your guardian."
>
>"Yeah, I know ya gotta get back to the 'States'."

Crow: <Bear> Damn straight, "24" is like a season and a half behind on
Jap TV.

>"What about me?" Asuka said almost worridley.

Tom: <Asuka> Will... America love me?
Joel: <Bear> I know one part of it does.
All: <hums Glory of Love>

>"Undetermined yet," Ritsuko said. "Now, that introductions are out of
>the way, down to business. Lets sit down."

Crow: Uhh, Ritsuko? Putting your hand in your pants doesn't have
quite the same cachet as when Al Bundy does it.
Mike: Not that we're complaining, mind you.

>After everyone had sat, with Dr. Akagi at the head of the table, she
>bagan to speak, "Now, as you know, Weltall, one of the newest
>additions to our team, is not an Eva. However, it can produce an AT
>feild.

Crow: Though it's still going to be off-Broadway, they just don't have
the funds for the big lights.
Tom: But you've got to jiggle the handle if you want the AT field.

>How, we're still not quite sure, but it has to dow with a system
>connected to the nerv connectors, marked as the AE sytem. That, along
>with a few othe sytems, such as system I.D. are are sealed in thes
>black boxes that we can't seem to open."

Joel: <Shinji> Couldn't we just paint them a different color?

>Then who made that thing?!" Misato queried.
>
>"Well..." the doctoe blushed, "we're not quite sure..."

Crow: <Misato> According to the sides... Florida Oranges?

>"They found Weltall about twenty years ago," Fei stated, "near the
>tip of south America. It was worshipped by some of the indiginous
>people as the 'Host to the Slayer of God'. My Dad was a part of the
>team's security.

Tom: Wow... "Host to the Slayer of God" is what's printed on my boxer
shorts! What a small world...
Crow: They tried to run my dad off but he scared them away with Mentos
and Diet Coke.

>He was also it's first pilot."
>
>"Yes... But it is the discovery that made a lot of the Eva's systems
>possible, including the Neural interface," Ritsuko said. "Maya, you
>will be the leading technician for Weltall."

Mike: You can run around screaming 'It's out of control!' and 'Fei,
you mustn't fight here!'

>"Yes Ma'm," the young bridge bunny said excitedly.
>
>"Good. Misato, you can finish filling out the transfer papers with
>'Bear'. Maya why don't you go see the damage done to Weltall. I'll be
>along to check the damage to Unit-02."

Tom: <Ritsuko> Fei, you check the damage to your ego while Shinji, you
check the damage to your pride.

>"Alright Rits," Misato said happily, "Oh, Fei, we'll be renting the
>apartment adjacent to mine for you, so Shinji, can you take him
>home?"

Mike: <Shinji> I can only sing him to the bridge, Asuka'll have to jam
him the rest of the way.

>"Yes Ma'm."
>
>"Alright, c'mon, I want to show Miss Ibuki some of Weltall's quirks,"
>Fai said, as he followed the young tech out of the room. Shinji
>replied with a meek 'Okay', and fell into line behind the two.

Mike: Hey, just like Xenogears! If Fei jumps, will that make Shinji
hover in midair?
Crow: <Fei> See these boxes? They're just false fronts for my M&M
stash.

>Shinji Ikari, pilot of Evangelion Unit-01 and savior of the world
>three times over, lay in his bed, pondering the day's events. / Fei,
>he seems like a nice guy. But how does Maya know him? /

Tom: Shinji, that doesn't even have a beat. Are you like Jim Morrison
or something?

>A few hours earlier

Joel: Bear was landing, Fei was jumping out, the carrier and the
audience were shuddering...
Mike: Think of all we've LEARNED since then. Okay, second's up.

>Shinji followed Fei and Maya, the woman obviously excited over her
>new assignment, to the cages

Crow: Maya already had her body painted, Shinji was wearing the bad
dentures, and Fei's fro's long.

>when the woman suddenly turned around and hugged the long-haired
>youth.
>
>"Its been years Fei!" she squealed.

Tom: <Fei> Heh, yeah, my hearing almost came back.

>Fei's whole body went stiff, and his hair practically stood on end.
>
>"Wow Fei, you weren't kidding about the techie girls liking you,"
>Shinji stated with a look of surprise on his face.

Joel: It didn't help that Shinji's idea of "techie girls" were Janine
Melnitz and Gadget.

>"Huh," Maya said, "oh, I guess Dr. Akagi was right....you don't
>remember anything from then do you?"
>
>"No."

Mike: <Fei> With a blood alcohol content of .3, I barely remember
having a face.
Crow: <Fei> I'm still getting used to walking more than seven seconds
without being attacked.

>"I'm sorry.." she said, releasing the boy, "I knew you when you were
>little. I was a frind of your mother's."

Joel: <Maya> Knew your father I did, too!

>"I see. Come on, lets get to Welltall. Those joints need to be hosed
>out and sealed again..." Fei said, taking the lead to the cages.

Mike: <Fei> Can we fix it? YES WE CAN!
Joel: <Fei> And it needs... *urr urr urr* MORE POWER!

>Shinji watched the exchange in silence. Maya looked embarased, but
>started toward the cages again.

Tom: <Maya> Only *gasp* ten miles to go... *wheeze*....

>Shinji strted walking a moment later, pondering his fellow pilot's
>reaction.
>
>Present

Crow: <Shinji as Pinky> But where am I going to find a purple hippo at
this time of day? Narf!

>/ I'm glad he'll be next door. Another guy to talk to around here
>will make life easier, and when thay knock out that passageway to
>next door, I'ttl make this place that much larger.

Tom: <singing> I'll be there for youooooo... when the rain starts to
fall!

>And that girl, Asuka, she seems nice enough, if a bit energetic. In
>any case, another two pilots will make life easier.. /
>
>Shinji pulled the covers up, and started listening to his S-DAT,
>untill sleep finally claimed him.

Joel: Though his copy of "How to Subliminally Seduce Women" still
hadn't worked through the first few weeks, Shinji kept the faith.

>To Be Continued
>
>Author's Notes
>
>That concludes Chapter Two of Eye of the Tiger. Thanks to my
>reveiwers, and C1STAD my editor. Oh, and I updated Chapter one, with
>only two minor changes. Props to who can spot 'em.

Mike: Quick hint... the author forgot to add the angel the first time.

>Hopefully Chapter Three won't take as long to get out. And to those
>of you who expressed worry in Weltall being too powerful - I have
>this to say : It won't be.

Crow: <Author> I have a gripping scene planned when Weltall's pilot
light goes out.

>Fuel and Mechanical limitaions put it on Even footing with the Eva's.
>The only real Advantages it has is flight ( a gas guzzler) and not
>being restrained by an Umbillical cable (which it may get kater for
>fuel purposes).

Joel: Shinji, on the other hand, he'll be roided up like He-Man.

>Thank you for reading, and please reveiw. E-mail me with comments at
>nohanstrife@yahoo.com. THANKS!

Mike: <grumbling> Provided that the email address is correct...
Tom: But what about the transfer papers? They just can't leave us
hanging like that! Oh man, this is worse than when 'The Shield' goes
on hiatus!

(Mike picks up Tom, and leaves behind Joel and Crow)

---Satellite of Love

"Theater Doors engaged," Magic Voice droned as the tired MSTers
exited from the theater. "Audio transmissions initiated. Bridge
Lighting commencing in three, two..."

"Hoo boy, that was a real pig in a blanket," Joel sighed as all
four MSTers stepped back to the Satellite of Love bridge.

Mike nodded his agreement. "What was up with the transfer papers?
And even half the stuff that was going on? I felt like I was dropped
in the middle of the deep end."

"Moment of Realization incoming, in five..." Magic Voice continued.

"Wha?" Tom mentioned. "Oh, Magic Voice! What's up?"

Magic Voice continued, "Two... one..."

"Oh!" Joel exclaimed, "That's what's going on! I've got to test
this out! Magic Voice, engage escape mechanism, load flight
instructions, and prepare it to board on my mark!" Joel chuckled after
the last sentence, clearly enjoying the farce.

"Instructions processed. Emergency escape initiated. Protocol
23-21FF activated. Initialization complete. Defragmentation complete.
Tent poles staked. Garbage in. Garbage out." Magic Voice proclaimed.
Joel stood back, bemused, until all of a sudden the floor opened from
underneath him and swallowed him whole.

"JOEL!" the three remaining occupants yelled.

From two or three decks down, Mike, Tom, and Crow could barely hear
a scream... and suddenly, nothing.

"All systems nominal. Egress egressing. Replacement fragment module
deactivating in seven..." Magic Voice droned.

"Magic Voice! Status on Joel Robinson?" Mike requested.

"Systems are nominal. Landing projected to be on Michael Moore.
Subprogram 'Softest Landing' closed. Three... two..."

"Magic Voice! Initiate another escape attempt!" Crow rapidly
requested.

"One, zero. Routine 'Incessant Fragments' closed. Thank you for
your patience." Magic Voice continued.

"Crap! Even in the future, nothing works!" groused Tom.

Mike looked despondent. "Well guys, it looks like it's back to us
again."

Crow nodded solemnly, and turned to Tom. "Yep, I guess it's up to us
to get the new guy up to speed again."

"Crow, it's me! I'm the new... the only guy here now!" Mike
protested

"Yeah, yeah, this will hurt you more than us... Hey Servo, you
prepare the Coleman Francis marathon while I wrangle the newbie into
the theater."

Tom shook. "Newbie initiation sequence initialized. Searching
Francis comma Coleman. Three entries found. Film Projector ignition
imminent..."

---DEEP THIRTEEN

"Again? AGAIN?? Can't we keep that man up there??" Dr. F bellowed
as he glared across the screen at TV's Frank.

Frank was dressed as the Westmoreland Man -- army boots, jodhpurs,
a green jacket and horsewhip -- and was just about to make his sales
pitch until he gazed back at Dr. Forrester. "Well, I know you told me
that if worse came to worst, you had more than one automated backup
system."

Dr. F and Frank shared a glance, and then both looked back at the
camera. They noticed that the feed was active, and saw the remainder
of the Satellite's denizens peering closely at them.

"No, definitely Frank, that was it. It's all I've got up there.
They found every last avenue. This I swear" Dr. Forrester intoned
formally.

Frank looked thoughtful. "Even the..."

"YES, ESPECIALLY THAT!" Dr. F yelled. "Until next time, Mike. Don't
get too lonely up there! Push the button, Audie!"

"Aye aye, sir."

--POOF!--

o/~ "Na na na-a-ah, na na, na NA na..."

All comments and criticism about this MST will be gratefully
appreciated and accepted at: zoogz@yahoo.com

It has been an extremely long time since the last MSTing. In that
time, I have fit in another career change, another move, and much much
more. However, while some time for MSTing in my schedule seem to be
taken away from me, other things may be opening up. I will make it a
goal to try to publish another one of these before the end of the year,
at least.

Special thanks to the author, Nohan Strife, for writing this fanfic.
I was unable to receive a return email from the author, and hopefully
the author enjoys the comedy above.

Thanks as always to Megane 6.7 for the riffs he writes as well as the
editing assistance he provides, and my ranting board to boot. His
efforts are always greatly appreciated, and in the case of this MSTing
it may have remained unpublished without his assistance.

As far as website news goes, we've finally passed 150,000 hits.
Thanks for all of our fans that we have for your support. Megane 6.7
and I have arranged for a new blog on the website, where I will be
publishing dozens of rants and Megane 6.7 will publish whatever he
would like too. Already published are rants, movie reviews, and Meg's
List of Rifftrax Ratings. It can all be found at:

http://www.nabiki.com/mst

Also, check out Everything What Is Crap, formerly Shuuichi's Vault of
Anime MSTings. Not only do they feature the same MSTings as before,
there's also reviews and other neat stuff to check out! The webpage
is:

http://svamcentral.org/ewic

Special Thanks:
Teachers of America
The Authors of the First Amendment
American Cancer Society

>"What about me?" Asuka said almost worridley.

Keep Circulating the Fanfics...