Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Addicted ❯ Chapter 1

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

By: SW-01

Misato's plan to get back at Asuka backfires. While she is ridden by guilt, her two charges detach themselves more and more from anything but their attempt to relive that powerful experience from that one night.
oral, anal, bondage, uhm... "less-con"? Now with a little omake expanding the B(DSM) scene.

Anime/Manga: Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Hentai | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 06.13.2006 | Updated On: 02.29.2008 | Pages: 28 | Words: 35.0K | Visits: 14.8K | Status: Completed

Addicted

I guess I'll never forget that day. I don't remember how many beers I had to come up with such a stupid idea, but it surely had been way too many. Even if it wouldn't have taken the direction it did, at the latest at that time, I failed as even halfway responsible guardian.

It's silly; I don't even remember what Asuka did to annoy me that evening. I'm sure it wasn't anything big, just her usual rants and complaints - no, thinking about it she must have had yet another quarrel with Shinji. Either way, it was enough to piss me off. Enough to go through with such a cruel, irreversible plan to get back at her, even enough that I was also willing to play with Shinji's feelings, despite the chances being high that I would hurt him rather than doing him a favor. Well, if it's a small excuse, I originally just wanted to get them into an embarrassing situation that I could always use against them as long as they'd live with me. It just went seriously out of hand.

Of course I hadn't told them what I really had planned to silence their argument about "too hot water in the shower" or whatever it was. I simply announced to cook dinner, something they would surely already regard as punishment. Given their general dislike of my usual recipes, the chances were good that they wouldn't notice or think anything about the "special ingredients". I used every natural and chemical aphrodisiac I could find, from hot spices like chili to some whale extract that Kaji once gave me as joke gift, mixing it all into an undefinable curry that I toped off with a good bottle of sake. Their disgusted faces were already priceless as they saw it with just a little bit of rice on their plates on the table when I called them to eat. It got only better when they took the first bite.

"It's... a little spicy..." Shinji judged wheezing.

Of course Asuka was less polite. "A LITTLE SPICY?! It's not edible! There's no way I'm going to eat all of that!"

"Oh yes, you will!" I interjected.

"You can't make me!"

"Wanna bet?"

She was obviously contemplating if she should accept that challenge, but I had done my best to sound as stern as I would concerning NERV matters. I grinned inwardly as she was without a doubt considering the possibilities I had, what I'd actually dare and was in my power to take or force upon her. Eventually, she huffed in anger.

"This is blackmailing!"

Oh, she had no idea.

"Aren't you going to eat anything, Misato?" Shinji asked , actually sounding genuinely concerned. If I hadn't been in a state of enjoying my prank beforehand, that might would have evoked some trouble to my conscience.

"No, I already ate something," I lied.

"Of course." Asuka's voice dripped with sarcasm. "She knows that this poison would be too much even for her."

I just let her ramble on. I would get my revenge soon enough.

At least I thought so.

The plates emptied more and more (albeit slowly), but... there were still no hidden or open flirting, no "accidental" touches, they didn't even stole quick glances of each other which usually weren't even uncommon when there was no little bit of help from my part. Nothing.

Before I knew it, they were done and "excused" themselves for bed - and my oh-so-brilliant plan had failed in all points.

I sat alone in the kitchen for a while, tugging down another beer or two. I'd really like to blame everything on the alcohol. I was angry that my prank didn't work and I was still pissed at Asuka, even more so after her behavior during dinner. That was the time I decided to make one of the biggest mistakes in my life - by making sure my plan would come to fruition after all, no matter how far I had to go with it.

Shinji was going to be my first victim. Not only he's easier to convince, but also Asuka's patience most likely wouldn't have lasted as long as necessary.

As I neared his room, I heard faint sounds, quickly realizing by the low grunts that my "special ingredients" might have done their work after all. Carefully sliding the door open, I saw him in all his glory, sitting on the bed as he jerked himself off. I'm not sure if he was just about to change his clothes as he felt that need or if he for some reason thought he needed to be nude for that, he was nonetheless. That was definitely going to ease some things up.

"Having fun?"

He jumped in shock as he noticed me.

"MI- MISATO!?" he screamed chokingly and quickly grabbed the bed sheets to cover himself. "I... I... it's not...!"

"No need for excuses, Shinji," I said as caring as I could, walked over to the bed and sat next to its flushed and cowering occupant. He flinched under my touch as I put my arm around his shoulder. The poor boy was frozen stiff from the close proximity, but that was expected.

"Hey, I can understand that you're ashamed now, but you really don't have to," I explained, knowing very well that it was hardly enough to calm him. "It's a completely natural thing. Especially for a healthy boy of your age."

It took him a while to finally accept that he got caught and was unable to escape until he answered. "I-I know. But... but still don't like it..."

That surprised me a little. It seemed rather contradicting "not liking to pleasure oneself". But then I figured that it wasn't the act itself he didn't like, but something behind it.

"Who were you thinking of?" I asked gently. "Me?"

He fidgeted, but shook his head wildly.

I grinned knowingly. I believed him that he hadn't that time, though I somehow doubted that he never had at all before.

"Who was it then?" I continued. "Asuka?"

He tensed noticeably, but didn't reply immediately. When he released the breath he held in shock of my obviously correct guess, he suddenly started to tremble and sounded as if he was about to cry.

"Please. You won't tell her?" he pleaded quite frantic.

I, however, just saw this as perfect opportunity. Pushing him a bit more in the right direction and he would be just were I wanted him. "Oh, don't worry. After all, we still need you to pilot Unit-01."

Maybe it was good that he barely listened to that ineffective joke, being too wound up in his guilt.

"But... am I not - disgracing her like this? Thinking of her... using her - for doing this?"

I wasn't sure whether to laugh or to sigh at his self-blaming behavior over such a - to me - harmless thing. I guess in the end I did a bit of both. "Shinji, she's a very beautiful girl, in your age, working with you, even living with you - it's not surprising that you're attracted to her. This is just a manifestation of those feelings. And it's not like you're actually raping her or something."

He averted his head, even more uneasy than he already was at that topic. "It just - it feels like a bad thing doing this even though I know she would hate me for it."

Bingo!

"So it would be okay for you if she would approve it? Maybe even wants to be with you in that way as you want to be with her?" At that, he looked at me as though I had lost my mind. And that was probably just what had happened. Otherwise I wouldn't have gone that far in first place. But now, I wasn't going to back off again. "Well?"

There was another silence as he looked back to the floor, his mind obviously in a turmoil whether to answer politely as his consciousness proposed or honestly what his desires told him. Eventually, he gave a slow nod. "I-I guess..." he mumbled shyly.

"Oh Shinji," I sighed exaggerated. "I know you're at a difficult age and live with a lot of tension already without the Evas." Taking his hand in one of mine, I pulled out the "present" from my pocket and laid it in his palm, closing his fingers around it. "Just put this on and wait a bit. I'll get you what you need."

I quickly left the room and closed the door behind me, leaving him wondering what I had planned.

I didn't catch Asuka with her hands between her legs, but the way she tossed herself from side to side on her bed in the attempt to sleep made it obvious that the aphrodisiacs had eventually set in for her as well. Blackmailing probably wouldn't have worked anyway, so that allowed me to go for a more... stimulating strategy. One of my tank top's halter straps dropped over the shoulder, I slowly advanced towards the drowsy girl.

"Asuka?" I whispered seductively.

"Un... go away, Misato. I'm feeling - I dunno. Just let me... I need some sleep."

Of course I did no such thing. Instead I sat down on her bed and leaned over her.

"You know, Kaji came over..."

"Kaji?" Needless to say, that instantly got her attention and she sounded much more awake. "When did he come? I didn't hear the door."

"Oh, you must have missed it while dozing off," I dismissed before taking an exaggerated breath. "Anyway, we started to fool around there a bit. You know, kisses and touches and things heated up some more..."

Predictably like a clockwork, she harshly cut me off. "I don't CARE about your perverted activities! Just leave me alone!" she grumbled angrily now, and rolled away from me.

"Ooh, but you misunderstand," I cooed, slowly trailing a finger over her bare arm, enjoying how she shivered at the touch, before she pulled away. "You see, he wanted me to ask you to join us."

She flinched, quite obviously surprised at that. "W-what? Y-you're lying. He never wanted..."

"Yes, I know you made some futile advances on him. But he didn't declined them because he didn't want you - he just didn't want to do it without my permission." Another touch here, and this time she didn't care, instead she pushed her arm ever so slightly against the skin of my hand.

"Why would he need that fo-?"

"Shh, none of that now. Remember that it might be your only chance," I whispered conspiratorially, cupping her flushed cheek, caressing it as I lowered my hand to the crook of her neck, humming lowly in the back of my throat. "Do you want some fun with him, even though you'll have to share him? I wouldn't mind; when we were at college we did that more than once. It's just up to you." I breathed those last words in her ear while my hand was slowly moving downwards.

There was a long silence after that. I could feel her rapid heartbeat under my touch even through the thin clothes she wore to sleep. It was a rare thing to see her so nervous, frightened and speechless and I cherished it.

"Okay..." she merely whispered eventually.

"Good." I grinned, getting up and pulling her after me. She staggered out of bed and had to brace herself against me. I used that opportunity to start tugging on her loose shirt. "Now let's get you out of this."

"W-why?"

"You can't do it very well with your clothes on, silly."

"But... C-can't I undress there? If I go naked... What if Shinji sees me?"

"Don't worry, he won't," I lied. Whether she was more nervous than she would admit at the thought of the promised encounter or if it was a side effect from the dizziness the aphrodisiacs had caused, I smiled at her unusual shyness as I pulled the shirt over her head. She instinctively tried to cover herself once her arms fell back.

But, though hesitantly, she accepted the situation and tugged down her shorts.

"No underwear? I didn't know you were such a naughty girl, Asuka."

She didn't answer to that; she just looked away from me while hiding her crotch behind her left hand, her right arm crossed over her chest. "Can we... can we go now?"

"Uh... not quite yet. There's one thing still missing," I announced wickedly, walking around her.

She gasped in surprise as I suddenly tied the scarf around her eyes.

"Wha-?"

"Shh," I hushed, silencing her with a finger on her lips. "That's a rule. No watching. No talking. Just feel. Don't worry, it's just to add the excitement a little..." Though how the poor girl could have gotten any more excited is beyond me. But I wasn't pitying her then, instead I grabbed her shielding left hand and led her out of her room. I guided her once in a circle through the living room, hoping that it would be enough in her current state to lose orientation. Then we went to see Shinji.

Wearing nothing but the condom I gave him, he gasped the moment I opened the door and revealed a naked, blindfolded Asuka. I quickly reminded him to be silent by raising my finger to my lips, though I'm not sure if he even noticed. He seemed so entranced by Asuka that the Angel alarms could have started and he wouldn't have heard them. I used his distraction to take a good look at his not too shabby erection. Not quite as much as Kaji, but it would suffice to give Asuka the biggest shock of her life. And I wasn't the one who'd have to get accustomed to it after all.

I quickly pulled Asuka over to the bed and guided her to kneel down on it between Shinji's legs, watching her wondering face as I took her hand to his twitching manhood and closed her fingers around it. She gasped, her mouth forming a small "o" while Shinji stifled a groan as she felt the plastic texture of the condom covering him.

I must admit, I was surprised that she started to stroke it on her own once she realized what that thing in her hand was. That my plan would work that well was rather unexpected, but I surely didn't mind. And apparently, Shinji didn't either. I had briefly considered to let her off "easily" by dropping the bomb already after letting her giving him a little handjob, but this development was enough for me to decide to go through with it all the way.

"Do you like it? The size? The hardness? The feel?" I breathed into Asuka's ear as I leaned over to her. "So what do you think? Are you already imagining what it would be like stuffed deep inside your little cunt?" I took her gasp as a yes. "Then what are you waiting for? Or do you need help with that?"

That did the trick. She froze, breathing heavily as she apparently thought about if she really should take that step. My grin must have been going from ear to ear when she finally crawled over Shinji's legs, positioning herself over his crotch. Ever so slowly, she guided herself down onto the cock in her hand.

I remembered that back in Germany, there had been quite a fuss once when she accidentally broke her hymen in an excessive training session. I had made a joke that it would in return be handy sometime, which she probably hadn't understood at that time and my superiors couldn't really laugh about - and made me work in the archives for a whole week as disciplinary action. Now however was that time that it came in handy - and for me at least as much as for her. Like this it was less likely that Ritsuko and her people would notice that the former virgin was no longer one. I wasn't sure about her contraceptive methods, but that's what the condom was there for.

Asuka would never brag about the fact that she had sex with Shinji to anyone. And he was much too timid to blurt anything out. It seemed so perfectly foolproof.

Apparently, Asuka had underestimated the overwhelming sensation of a hard, thick rod entering the tight hole, as she slumped forward, bracing herself on Shinji when she sheathed his erection, her mouth open in a silent gasp.

I could hardly hold back a laugh at that sight. If Asuka knew who she really let so willing inside her, she would surely get the shock of her life. But not yet. I gave her time to adjust, waiting for a definite sign that she was enjoying it, wanted it.

Soon enough, she moved again, slow and only very little at first, but she became a bit bolder each time. Even Shinji helped increasing the pace of their thrusts, his hands on her hips pushing her down on his shaft again and again, just whenever she was about to slide off. He surprised both of us as he reached up, kneading one of her breasts.

As the sounds of their flesh slapping against each other echoed in a high frequency, my patience ran thin. Giddy and anxious as a child in front of a Christmas present, I tugged on the scarf's knot on the back of Asuka's head, apparently without her even noticing. I must have grinned like the maniac I had been at that moment, as I ripped off the blindfold, ready to laugh at the biggest prank I had ever pulled...

But the laugh was on me.

Asuka didn't scream in shock, she didn't jump off him, she didn't blushed in shame any more than she already had. She didn't even slow down.

I couldn't understand it. Did she not see who it was in the dark? Was she too absorbed in it to be able to react? I really started to freak then. It just didn't make any sense.

As I saw them there, going at each other, completely absorbed with themselves, it finally dawned on me what I had done.

I don't remember much of the rest of that night. Just that I bolted out of the room as fast as I could.

{}

I sat there on my bed, not knowing what to do as I stared on the thin package in my hand. What was Misato thinking? What did she mean with all this? Was this just another joke? Or did she really want me to have...?

She hadn't laughed at me when she caught me, though it was a perfect opportunity to tease me to no end. She had been calm, caring as she had talked to me.

No, she had been serious. But now? That didn't seem possible. How? With who? Would I even be able to do it with just anyone she'd pick?

The way she had implied it, Misato didn't intend to do it. Asuka? She would never agree to be with me that way.

The whole thought of having sex really soon seemed so unreal. And yet, this lone thought stirred a kind of hope and excitement that let my breath get erratic.

My fingers quivered as I slowly tore the plastic package open and pulled the slippery latex out. It almost slid out of my hand as I tried to put it on, but I eventually got it right. The thin rubber was tighter than I'd expected when I pulled it around my erection. At first I feared I would climax just from that, but once it was all the way down and the tightness concentrated at the base, it rather felt like it was making me even harder.

My wild thoughts were interrupted when I heard Misato opening the door again. I don't know if it was just the surprise or my primal desire, but I inhaled deeply as I saw Asuka behind her, blindfolded, only her red mane framing her nude body. She looked unusual nervous, as though she was unsure whether to cover her nakedness or not.

I was more confused than ever before. Could she really want this? Could she really want me? Just what had Misato told her?

I looked over to my guardian, but she just gestured me to be quiet and to lay down. I was too baffled to ask anyway, so I just did what I was told.

All the while, I couldn't take my eyes off Asuka as Misato led her towards and onto the bed. Usually, I would have averted my view in shame at just a glimpse of bare flesh, but that day I took in every curve of her naked body, her firm breasts, her well-shaped hips and that sacred region covered with a small patch of pubic hair that I saw for real for the first time. She was so beautiful.

I think I even forgot to breathe when Misato wrapped Asuka's hand around my erection. Her touch was so gentle, almost hesitating; her fingers twitched slightly when she realized what she was holding. To my surprise she didn't broke off but renewed the grip. Even through the condom the soft touch of her fingers was incredible as she started to move them slowly up and down on my shaft. I had masturbated more than once before, but I never felt so - I don't know how to describe it. Excited, nervous and a little sick all at once. My heart was beating wildly that this was actually happening. A deep pit of nervousness in my stomach at what was probably yet to come.

Unsure what to do, I pried my eyes off the luscious redhead that was kneeling between my legs and glanced over to Misato. But I only found my fears renewed as she just showed me an eerie grin, before leaning over to Asuka. I couldn't understand what she whispered in her ear, but I could hear Asuka's almost shy gasp and see her face flushing under the blindfold.

Time seemed to stand still for a while. Neither of us moved for several heartbeats and deep inside I started to get frightened that she had made up her mind and would leave.

But just when I was about to speak up, she crawled over my legs, straddling my hips and instantly all words escaped me.

Asuka had stopped stroking, but hadn't let go. And now she was guiding herself onto me.

I think we both gasped in surprise at the first touch and she hesitated for a moment. But then it happened. The heat of her body and an incredible tightness engulfed my erection ever so slowly.

I don't know how I managed not to come right then. My fingers dug into the sheets, my eyes and teeth clenched shut. Both opened soon enough again as she startled me when I felt her hands suddenly drop onto my chest, her weight partly on me as she tried to keep herself from slumping forward. She must have felt my heart pounding wildly, but I'm not sure if she even realized it in that situation. She was already so far down, I could feel the warmth emitting from her against my groin. More on reflex than anything else, I raised my hips and closed that little space, eliciting a startled gasp from her.

We slowly sank back to the mattress together. Neither of us was moving for a while. I just enjoyed that feeling of us joined together like this, in this most intimate way possible. Being so deep into her squeezing-tight insides that pulsed around me as we took each others virginity.

But as silly it might sound compared to that overwhelming sensation, I also remember how her thighs felt against mine as they brushed against each other, her smooth buttocks that touched my legs ever so lightly, her hands on my chest that she used to steady herself on top of me. Even without the joined sexes it was probably the most affectionate contact that I had received in the last ten years. I yearned for even more, but I only dared to bring my hands carefully onto her hips. And the moment I lay my hands on her soft skin, I didn't want to let go of it ever again.

I looked up to her flushed face. Her mouth was slightly open as she panted lowly and even through the blindfold I could feel her looking back at me.

After we stayed like that for a while, her inner walls throbbing around me, she started to move. It wasn't much at first; barely grinding back and forth so that I couldn't even see but only feel it.

And how I felt it. Even these slight movements sent sparks of pleasure through my body and it only increased when she lifted herself off from me a little bit and slid back down just as slowly. And that was just the beginning. More and more she increased her pace, each time going up a little farther, granting me inside her again and again. It had felt so wonderful the first time that it had been hard to believe I could ever feel that once more, but now her tightness was encasing me rapidly.

Eventually, she went so far that she was about to slid off completely. I-I couldn't let that happen, I just couldn't lose that feeling of her. So without thinking twice, I quickly pushed her down on me again. She gasped and twitched around me in surprise at my unexpected disruption of her rhythm. But she regained her composure faster than I did and it took me a second to understand that, when I felt her hips pressing against my palms, I was supposed to ease my grip so she could go up again. I'm not sure if she had liked me taking action or if she just wanted to tease me, but she threatened to get off several times after that, never complaining when I repeated to stop her from doing so.

I don't know why, but that boosted my confidence and in my already ecstatic state, I grew more bold. I wanted more, feel more of her on the outside too. And the two mounds that swayed entrancing in my view were easily chosen targets for that. Leaving her hips, I aimed for her right breast, cupping it entirely in my left hand, squeezing tenderly, what caused her to gasp.

It wasn't the first time I touched a woman's breast, but that had been awkward, an accident, and when I realized it, I had retreated immediately before I could fully memorize the feeling. But now I did it just for that purpose and her warm flesh felt wonderful in my hand. Like the rest of her skin, it was flawless, smooth and soft and just…perfect.

Her stiffening nipple pressed into my palm; the hard nub a harsh contrast to the soft skin around it. I soon noticed however, that it was quite sensitive as she mewled lightly whenever I moved it along with my hand. So sensible and delicate - something that didn't seem to fit Asuka and yet it did so well.

Since I couldn't pull her down anymore, I instead settled for raising my hips to meet each of her strokes. As I thrust in and out of Asuka, I couldn't believe that I had never thought of making my fantasies real. How long had I been waiting for this? How long had I desired to feel this? If only I hadn't been so frightened of it, of all of it.

As I looked up to her, our eyes met. At that time I didn't question where the blindfold had gone, I didn't even notice that Misato had left without a word; I had almost forgotten that she had been there at all. Asuka's look at me was so different, so clouded by desire as I could only guess was mine as well. That lust-crazed look was all I needed to claim even more.

I sat up while we kept grinding against each other. For a moment I just watched her flushed face, compelled to bury my face on her shoulder, feeling her sweat drenched skin, her damp hair as I inhaled her intoxicating scent, and I felt her erratic breath against my lips. They met hers in a short, fleeting kiss.

I knew I couldn't hold on much longer, so I wrapped myself around her heated body, pulling her as close as possible against me as I tried to summon all strength I had left to reach the climax of this lucid dream. Asuka's chin was resting on my shoulder and I could hear her soft whimpers, until her nails suddenly dug into my back, her body tense and trembling. Feeling her inner muscles clamping down put an immediate end to any futile attempts to resist and I came inside her, my sperm only stopped by the contraceptive. The shocks subsided after a few seconds as our orgasms wore off, but we didn't let go of the other.

I don't know how long we stayed like that. Even our breath had long become regular and quiet again. Unmoving, we just sat there in the dark and in silence. Despite my limbs becoming tired and the position slowly getting uncomfortable, I didn't dare to make the first move or say the first word. My now limp penis was still partly inside her warm body, but we didn't even shift our hips ever so little to free it. Our mixed fluids trickled down between our legs, drenching the sheets beneath us. The sweat on our bodies cooled the air around us even more than it already was, but neither of us even shivered.

Eventually though, I felt Asuka loosing her hold and the weight of her head was lifted off my shoulder. She looked at me with an unreadable expression. I don't know if she wanted me to say or to do something, but when I didn't, she separated herself from me and stood up. I could just watch her leaving my room.

{}

Just what had I done? I must have asked myself that question a thousand times in the few following days alone. The next day, none of us talked about it. In fact, it was almost like nothing had happened at all.

Well, not quite. We were all a little too silent that morning, which was probably mostly unusual for Asuka and me. I guess it was silly of me to hope that they had some blackout from the alcohol and would have completely forgotten about the night, just coping with the loss of memory.

While my consciousness was bugging me for quite some time, I tried to ignore it. After all, everything seemed alright, so why bringing it up?

How foolish to think anything could just be like before.

It wasn't long after that day that I found them doing it again - and again - and again. It was hard to miss, actually. They were doing it everywhere, whenever one of them felt the urge, not even trying to hide it. Right at the entrance of the apartment against the wall when they got home from school; taking a break from homework by fucking on the coffee table; one time it was even during dinner that Asuka stood up from her chair and sat down on Shinji's lap and it didn't take a genius to know what was going on when after a few seconds of getting everything out of the way, she slowly started to move up and down - while continuing to eat. We could sit there, watching TV in the living room and before I knew it, Asuka was on all fours, her panties down, with Shinji taking her doggy style, his hands at her waist to constantly slam her back against him until both of them came.

And that emotional detachment that accompanied it...

It seemed so devoid of feeling, as if it was actually supposed to be a mockery of lovemaking.

It was really just fucking, pure and simple; the same behavior, the same act one would expect from a pair of dogs in heat, going at it in between the streets simply because they felt like it.

Once satisfied, they always instantly went back to whatever they had been doing as though none of it happened. Unless of course, they fall asleep afterwards. They only spend few nights in separate rooms anymore.

The only times one of them showed a little care about it afterwards was when Shinji tried to clean the mess they had made, though he wasn't very efficient on getting the stains out of the carpet.

But otherwise neither cared about anything very much. They didn't even seem to care if I was right next to them. They just ignored me.

How should I have stopped them? Just asking them nicely to cease their new favorite activity that I had shown them? What right did I have to do that?

Should I have brought NERV into that? With what reason should I have asked for a separation of the two? "One of them has to move out because I forced them to have sex and now they won't stop"?

No, no matter how much it sickened me to witness it, I had no choice but to let them be. Though sometimes I even wondered if they did that just on purpose to torture me. Do you have any idea what it's like to be constantly reminded of your biggest failure?

I was too scared to speak up and I'm sure they knew at least that much.

They never touched each other much. Even kisses were rare and in-between. Foreplay was never more than it was necessary. She would lay her hand on his crotch and trail her fingers over his hardening member or he would start to fondle her breast, be it through her top or grabbing under her shirt. Just something to signal that they wanted to do it. And there was never a "no".

There was never anything. That was really one of the most unsettling things in this whole matter. I've never heard any of them saying something about and even less during it; not even the usual "Yeah!", "It's so good!", "Faster!" or any other of these natural ecstatic cries. It actually went as far that it seemed like they tried to hold back loud moans of pleasure on purpose.

I got no complaints or weird looks so far, so either they controlled themselves somehow or they were good at hiding it when they were outside of the apartment. Then again, as silent as they always were, they could probably do it in a crowded train without getting noticed.

But why couldn't they at least pretend to hide it from me as well?

I tried to ignore them just as they ignored me. But no matter how loud I turned the TV, no matter how much I forced myself not to look, I couldn't block out the scent of sweat and sex nor the inevitable soft gasps and grunts or the wet slapping sound of joining flesh.

{}

How could I end up liking this so much? I used to be disgusted by the lone thought of it. Sure, I had offered myself to Kaji once on our way to Japan, but that was because it seemed to be the only way to get his attention, the only way to prove that I wasn't a little girl anymore - though in hindsight it probably just made that even more obvious. Maybe that's one reason why he had declined it without second thought. I had protested but a part of me had actually been glad when he did. As much as I had wanted him, the - until then - most important person in my life, to notice me, the thought of going "beyond kissing" rather brought a sick feeling to my stomach.

Such a primitive act. Just a flicker in the dark that people used to distract themselves from the miserable life. Maybe that's why I couldn't get enough of it. I had always wanted to be strong; I told myself I would manage my life without depending on such escape. But I had underestimated how well that distraction worked. Each stroke of the cock let me forget about any pain, filling me with nothing but pleasure.

I've never imagined it to be so incredible. Feeling this hard thing so deep inside of me, forcing its way through this tight passage; my inner walls clutching at the alien object; all these otherwise neglected nerves that it stimulated and set me on fire from the inside out.

That it would be with Shinji of all people was another thing that had seemed so unlikely before. Though maybe not as much as I once liked to pretend. Why else hadn't I stopped that night the moment I knew it was him? I don't know if Misato was really so naive to think I wouldn't notice. Long before I even touched him, I had known for sure that it was Shinji the very second we had stepped into his room where his scent filled the entire air. But I hadn't turn around then. I went over to him. I touched him. I gave him my virginity. The oh-so-special first time, I spent willingly with him. And it had been the best thing I had ever felt till then.

I don't think I even realized to full extend of what I had been doing until the tremendous pleasure of my orgasm had slowly faded. I'm not sure how to describe what came afterwards. "Awkward" is probably the most natural choice, but that doesn't fit it entirely. At first my mind had been totally blank. And stupidly enough, I had expected an answer from him that of course didn't come. But I hadn't even been able to get angry at that time.

For a while I really tried to hate myself for liking it. But unlike so often before, I just couldn't. On the contrary, the desire to experience it again grew so quickly that it almost scared me. My once so indestructible pride shattered more with every thought until I couldn't deny it anymore: I wanted, needed to feel it again. I didn't think much about the "how". My rational thinking didn't have much to do with this anyway.

One evening, as I watched him finish cleaning the dishes, I just acted on instinct. He tensed in surprise when I pulled my arms around him, pushing myself against his back. That wasn't really unexpected. After that night, we had barely talked, and aside from that night, we've never been this close. We both were averse to letting others into our space, touch and intimacy was something foreign, something alien for us. I guess if it had been me I would have tensed too, or more likely I would have pushed him away and given him the beating of his life.

So of course he was startled when my hands undid his pants and went into his boxers. Before my fingers could even reach it, his dick started to grow; even more so as I began stroke it lightly. I have no idea if he just couldn't understand what I wanted, if he was just too baffled to, or if he enjoyed me doing that so much that he didn't care, but either way we must have been standing there like that for a few minutes at least. A silent standoff, me too proud to voice my needs, him to reluctant to understand my wordless demand.

Eventually though, I had enough and pulled my hands out again. That finally got his attention and he turned around as I stepped back. I didn't leave any doubt of my intentions when I pulled down my own pants and panties down. His sign of understanding was probably that his jaw dropped as I sat down on the table and spread my legs. No wonder, after all even the biggest idiot would know what I wanted the way I presented my pussy in a sluttish manner, even spreading the lips with my left hand's index- and middle-finger, my juices already flowing.

There was still some hesitation in him as he stepped over, but that lasted only a second. Just when I was about to take matters in my hands again, I found my back on the table, his cock buried so wonderfully deep inside me again. Getting fucked on the kitchen table wasn't the most comfortable position, but I couldn't care less; not that time and not all the times after that.

Our following "sessions" went pretty similar. Though he got a little bolder the more often we did it, it was always me who initiated it at first. It's not that it really mattered - but it bothered me. It wasn't really hard to tell that he wanted it just as much as I did, so it was just him being a coward again. And I really hated that.

It must have been two weeks until he finally got the balls to do something on his own. After school, Hikari had asked me to help her with a few tasks, so it was over an hour later that I finally got home. I was in the bathroom, washing my hands as I suddenly felt his presence behind me. His breath tickled my neck as he pushed against me and it did all the while his hands were kneading my tits through the school uniform.

I decided not to do anything, I wanted to see how far he would go on his own. And soon enough I felt him reaching under my skirt and tugging my panties down to my thighs. His dick brushed against my crotch towards my waiting entrance and I braced myself on the sink just in time. He filled my wet hole completely with a swift stroke and soon we've both been panting in the rhythm of his thrusts.

That one other day, he was also taking me from behind again just like then. He slammed against my butt, just having increased his pace, his thrusts becoming harder and deeper so that I had to shift my balance, pressing my arms and face more against the wall for support. It was strange in a way that I didn't even care about that. Just a few weeks before, I wouldn't have set a foot in this deserted run-down back alley, about half the way from our school. But now a little dirt seemed completely unimportant as long as we'd fuck.

We often went there after school when the tension grew too strong during the boring hours to wait until we reached the apartment. It actually had been me who had pulled him into it the first time, when I had felt my last resistance slipping to keep my hands off him after more than twelve hours since the last time. The alley seemed perfect for us, the buildings around were all abandoned and it was long enough that the few people that passed by on the street wouldn't hear us. Once we were around the corner, no one would ever notice what we were doing there.

That time however, I probably wouldn't even have cared if someone would have. It had been more than 24 hours since our last fuck and I had been wet the whole day, the boring lessons not really helping to distract oneself from a fantasy world full of naughty thoughts of being filled up in various ways. It just made time crawling much too slow. As I later learned, Shinji didn't have that problem as he jerked off before we went to school. Lucky bastard. But at least he hadn't complained when I dragged him quickly to the alley, instantly pushing myself against the wall and waiting agonizing long seconds until he finished his silly preparations.

As Shinji continued to plow his hard cock up my cunt, his left hand wandered from my waist over my stomach and inside my blouse. Pushing the bra aside, he didn't waste too much time by groping my right tit and took my hardened nipple between thumb and forefinger. Usually, it needed more than that to get me off, but I had been anticipating my release for so long that it easily triggered my orgasm when he pinched the nub just as he thrust deep into me and I gritted my teeth not to scream out as I came.

Panting, I weakly rested myself against the wall, doing nothing else while I felt him retreating from my body; leaving me empty as he pulled out of me. I stepped back from my support once I recovered a bit, craning my stiff neck. I brought a hand up to my slightly sore cheek that had been grinding against the rough concrete the whole time and wiped it clean.

It was always like that. We'd finish, I'd brush the dirt off my clothes, pull my panties up, and once we were ready, we'd leave the alley and continue our way to the apartment like nothing had happened. This time however, that routine was stopped short as I turned around after I redressed and saw him pulling the condom off his prick.

That usually wouldn't be something strange, even though that thing always irritated me somehow. It wasn't necessary as I was on the pill and I didn't really care much if he shot his cum inside me or not, I had to clean up afterwards anyway. We didn't use one whenever I initiated it without warning, so that we had it quite rarely between us made the whole thing rather hypocritical. But it seemed to have some meaning for him, as though it was needed for sex to work at all; so I didn't bother with it.

This time however, it did catch my attention, or rather what was under it. He was still erect and didn't show signs of slacking; there was only very little of the white fluid captured in the latex.

"You didn't come," I stated my discovery flatly.

We never really talked about all this. The few words we sometimes exchanged in this context were just a time and place and the responding acknowledgment, in those cases when we couldn't do it right away. In fact, this was probably the first “after-sex” conversations between us. So it was quite unusual for me to brake this habit.

He didn't really seemed bothered or even much surprised by this break of the routine though. Of course not.

"I-it's okay," he lied, as if he didn't care at all. Did he think I wouldn't notice his disappointment? Did he think it would have hurt my feelings or something if he would continue ravishing me until he'd shoot his load inside me when I had already finished - even though he had no problems to continue pounding me spastic when he's first? Why did he always have to be so arrogant to think he'd be able to know what I want and what not?

Sure, usually I probably wouldn't have given a damn that he didn't got to come. But that he thought he could give me a feeling of guilt for having reached my peak first was just not acceptable.

It must have been quite apparent that it pissed me off, as he backed away when I approached him until his escape was blocked by a large garbage container. That frightened look just angered me even more. I had been quite thankful not to see it all the time anymore.

With a quick glance downwards I saw a big piece of cardboard at our feet. Perfect for my plan to get rid of that attitude of his once and for all. I looked once more in his fearful, wondering eyes before I dropped onto my knees, using the cardboard as cushion. Before he even could be questioning himself, I grabbed his member in my right hand, stroking it lightly at the base. Doubts reappeared, but there was no backing down now.

I told myself that I was doing this because I didn't want to be in his debt. Lowering my lips closer, I tried to ignore the voice in my head that was telling me that I was lowering myself to him just as well.

Gasping, he stumbled backwards one step as my mouth closed around his cock, but his reflex didn't remember the blocked path behind him. The metal clang loud as he jerked with his back and both hands against the container, but apparently nobody seemed to hear or care.

At first, it rather were wet, sloppy kisses, taking just a bit in and rolling the insides of my lips long over it; eventually adding my tongue into the play, merely poking with its tip against his pee-hole. That fact alone would once have been gross enough for me not even coming close to consider this, but now these "dirty thoughts" only made me hot again.

My left hand wandered under my skirt and inside my moist panties. Using my middle finger, I stroked the outer lips of my pussy that was still wet and very sensitive from my previous orgasm. Immediately it twitched around the digit, trying to pull it inside and I didn't hesitate, not needing more teasing. Pumping into myself also helped me to concentrate on something different than my dignity as I took more of him in, so the purple head was entirely in my mouth. I licked around it, trying to ignore the taste of his pre-cum that my tongue continued to wipe off. Little by little I inhaled more of his slick cock, just before my gag reflex was triggered. Having to cough for air around his dick didn't really help to forget the nature of that pole between my jaws. I retreated, sucking hard on it in the vain hope to end this degenerating act quickly.

As I noticed that old line of thought, I quickly pushed another finger inside me to silence my pride as I increased my pace of bobbing my head up and down on him. And to be honest - as much as that side of me would have liked to pretend that it was just me masturbating, I believe it once again was rather that "dirty" thought of sucking him off that increased the wetness that my fingers encountered. My right hand had started to knead my tits through the uniform as I swirled my tongue around his entire length. It had become a contest for me, seeing whom of us I'd get to come first. Though as I felt him bucking, I "cheated", brushing my left thumb against my clit.

I jerked uncontrollably as my vaginal walls clenched around my fingers. While my second orgasm of that day shock my entire body, it caused my mouth to slid down all the way until I felt my face resting against him, his fuzzy pubic hairs tickling me. Though in the daze of the subsiding climax, I didn't even realized that until I suddenly felt something spurting against the back of my throat and the insides of my mouth, dripping onto my tongue. I hadn't even notice him groaning.

I was frozen to the spot; just sat there wide-eyed and breathing heavily through the nose, his strong scent filling my nostrils. Aside from that, I was taken by surprise that much that I couldn't move at all. I couldn't even think that moment. All that I remember were my overloaded senses. The taste - I couldn't really place it. It wasn't bad, though I wouldn't want to live from it. But it wasn't bad.

His dick was slowly losing its hardness, despite still being trapped between my lips and I gave it a tentative lick with my tongue.

I don't know why, but as much as I enjoyed the pleasure the hard shaft could give me, I also liked that soft feel. Sometimes, when he had fallen asleep next to me, I stroked it gently with just my fingertips when it was completely limp, careful not to wake or arouse him. It always baffled me how something so weak could also be so strong.

"Asuka?"

His soft call startled me, so much had I drifted off in my mind. Slowly I tilted my head up and found his wondering blue eyes looking back at me. My cheeks heated up in embarrassment immediately as I realized that I must have been sitting there like that for several minutes with one hand still in my panties and his dick still in my mouth.

I averted my view as I pulled my head back to free his slacking member and wiped my mouth clean with the back of my dry hand before I slowly got up. But my uneasiness didn't wear off, quite the contrary. Even without turning around to look at him, I could still feel him staring at me as I dusted my skirt off while trying to dry my left hand on the inside of the fabric. Eventually, as so often, my patience - more with myself than him - run dry.

"What?" I snapped at him, causing Shinji to flinch noticeably. How could someone who fucked me so good be such a spineless coward?

"N-noth..."

"Don't even dare to say that!"

His shoulders sagged in defeat and he looked shyly away from me. "It- it's just... I didn't expect you to swallow..."

I don't think I found a proper answer or the confidence to even look at him again until quite a while after we arrived back at the apartment. It had long mixed with my saliva and when I pulled my head back to release him, I had probably swallowed without thinking - but how could I have actually forgotten that it was also his salty essence that I'd been gulping down?

{}

One day Kaji insisted to come in with me to say hello to the kids. I didn't have much choice, I dismissed him more than once already with lame excuses and sooner or later he would notice that something was off. When we stepped in, I just prayed that they weren't going at it right then. And thank god, we obviously entered the living room just in time. Asuka sat behind Shinji, her arms around him and while it probably just looked like she was cuddling to an outsider, her hands had most likely been on their way down to his crotch until she noticed us.

Their reaction wasn't really unnatural, but a little... unexpected. It wasn't such a big surprise that Shinji barely even blushed and just returned Kaji's greeting with a friendly "Hi". Asuka however - I would have thought she'd at least pretend to to be still all over her old crush, maybe even hoping to get something better from him than from Shinji. But she didn't jump up and throw herself at him anymore. She actually looked away from him, her cheeks burning red in shame. She hadn't showed any the last weeks, so why now?

But that wasn't all of it. Her hands may had stopped from traveling further down, but to my surprise she didn't let go. She even seemed to tighten her grip a little.

Kaji left shortly after, saying he didn't want to disturb us too long. As I accompanied him to the door, he mentioned something that made me think. "It's nice to see they're getting along so well. If there's something they need, it's a little love."

I wondered about his words for a while. Could he actually have been right and there was more between them than I had thought? Could it be that they weren't just repeating the same mistake we once made?

But no, that couldn't be right. Why else wasn't there any sign of care beyond the sheer act; why were they so cold? No looks beyond those of pure lust, no shared laughter, no loving kisses, not even screams of pleasure.

But maybe we had been the cruel ones by deceiving each other and ourselves with such acts. Maybe they were at least honest. That might be the best way to avoid getting hurt some day.

Still, it disturbed me that there were not even screams...

Not until that dreadful day that made me wish I would never have thought that way. That day of the activation of Unit-03. Maybe it wouldn't have been that bad if I had told Shinji who had been appointed to be the pilot. But I had avoided them just like they had avoided me. I even left them alone to go to Matsushiro, neither caring what they would do, nor if people would see me as irresponsible to leave my young charges alone. I knew they could care for themselves without needing a babysitter. And it was better if people thought of me as irresponsible because of that, than realizing how irresponsible I truly was.

That day, that ugly victory we achieved, it was probably the most painful till then. I should have known that it would haunt us also back at home. As I lay in my bed, I wished I wouldn't have insisted to leave the infirmary as soon as possible. If only so I would have been able to find sleep.

There were screams that night. Yet those screams were from anything but pleasure. I tired to persuade my conscience not to listen to them; that I was too weak, too injured to do anything anyway. I don't remember getting any sleep that night, even long after the screams subsided.

{}

It had all been my fault. As much as I wanted to blame my father for not stopping the dummy plug in time, I couldn't shake off the bitter feeling of guilt. It had felt like it was my own hand that had closed around the entry plug, almost killing my friend. I felt sick, but not even able to cry or scream in anger any longer. I hated that. I had to get rid of that feeling at all cost. And there was only one thing I could think of that could make me feel better; that powerful experience I got to learn in the last few weeks.

When I entered Asuka's room, she lay with her belly on her bed, glancing over to me from some book she had been reading. I could feel her eyes burning into me, silently asking what I wanted. But I just stood there. I didn't find the words to express my need. I couldn't even look up to her.

Asuka groaned softly, obviously annoyed at my pathetic behavior, and I couldn't blame her for that. She shut the book close, threw it nonchalant to the side and stepped over to me. I could feel her mixed glare of disgust and pity on me even without looking at her as she stood before me.

I didn't want either of that. It made me feel ashamed even more. But I couldn't do anything.

I was glad that she could tell why I was there. Of course, we didn't share much else after all. That I was already naked aside from my boxers and the condom I was still fumbling in my hand probably didn't leave much doubt to it either. I only vaguely noticed her grabbing my wrist and snatching the small package out of my fingers.

"Why always bothering with these...?" I think she muttered or something like that, but everything was still too much of a blur to me.

However, all my raging thoughts and feelings vanished in a flash of pure bliss as Asuka, by now kneeling in front of me, touched my member that she just freed with light strokes of her fingers, causing it quickly to harden. As she continued to tease me with her light feathery touches of her right hand, she ripped the plastic wrapping in her left one open with her teeth, pulled the condom out and with both hands quickly rolled it down over my erection in an often practiced motion. I don't remember her saying something, she just stood up again and turned around, starting to undress - and leaving me alone and unsatisfied when her hands had left me.

It was then that I lost it. My thoughts were focused again, but only on one thing: sheer primitive desire; craving for sexual release more than anything else. Watching her revealing her naked back to me as she lifted her top over her head, her perfect round ass mocking me with its swaying motion as she walked towards her bed, I couldn't bear it any more. I wanted it. I needed it! And I was going to take it no matter what!

I was behind her within a second. Before she could react I pushed - no - more like threw her forward onto the bed.

"HEY! What the - AH!" I cut her off as my hand pressed into her back, holding her down while I pulled her shorts down with the other.

"Damnit!" she cursed, pushing herself up to all fours despite my hold after her initial surprise faded and turned her head to glare at me. She probably said something like "No need to be so rough!"

But I didn't care then. In fact, I think I cut her off once more as I lined myself up behind her and buried my erection into the tight gash with a single swift stroke. Usually her choked yelp would have instantly made me stop and worry, but that time all that mattered to me was the pleasure from being squeezed by her tight inner walls.

My hands clenched around her shoulders before she recovered, forcing my weight on her. I couldn't risk her denying me this feeling, I couldn't risk her stopping me from entering her again and again, slamming my entire length into her. Her whimpers, her grunts, her curses as she barely held herself up, it all was just background noise to me. She tried a few times to hit me with arms and legs, but I'm not sure if she actually wanted to hurt me or just wanted me to stop - either way, given her position under me, it lacked the force to make me come to my senses.

Instead I grew high of the passion; that thing that made me forget the pain of that day. I wanted more, needed it to be more intense. I grabbed both of her arms and pulled them back to push her further onto me. She yelped and slumped forward at the sudden loss of balance, but my tight grip kept her upper body suspended in the air. She tried to wind herself out of it, but her feeble attempts either grew weaker or I didn't notice anymore as I yanked her back again and again, impaling her on my shaft. I met her every time, slapping our bodies together, reaching a depth we never got to before. But that wasn't enough.

I could go deeper, but it was tiring me too fast and my pace slowed down before it could really start. So I simply let her fall forward on the mattress and grabbed her hips as I had done so often before. Like that I could quickly speed up and I switched from rapid, short thrusts to deep, long strokes more than once.

Weakened by the constant penetration, my assault didn't give Asuka much chance to escape me, but at that point, she still tried. If she had known to what my sex-crazed self was capable of doing that night, she probably wouldn't have.

Unnoticed by me, she shifted in her attempt to get away just as I slipped out entirely. She didn't realize her mistake until I wanted to thrust hard inside her again and brushed against a different entrance that wasn't even meant to be one. We both froze as the tip of my erection poked against her puckering anus, she in fear and I - I with nothing but the blind desire to make that fear come true. She wasn't even there any longer; to me, there was just an opportunity for an even more intense feeling.

"No. No! Please!" But not even the fact that she, Asuka Langley Soryu, was actually pleading to me was able to reach me. I pushed inside the impossible tight hole, pushed against all the resistances I encountered. And she screamed, screamed so full of agony that every sentient being would have had pity with her, doing anything to ease her pain and make sure she'd never have to feel any again. But the monster that I was did only care about the pleasure it received by tormenting her like this.

The pressure of the clenching hole was almost too much to bear, but I went farther and farther until my entire length was buried inside of it. It was so intense, gripping me so incredibly tight that I couldn't say any longer if it actually was still pleasure I felt or if it already hurt, but my mind was no longer there to distinguish between those emotions. If it had, it would have recognized that Asuka was not fighting me anymore; she could only cling whimpering to the sheets.

I could barely move inside her, but I tried nonetheless, pulling out not even an inch before slamming it back, slapping against her buttocks. I did that three, four times, each time eliciting a low groan from Asuka, before I pulled out completely; not to finally put her out of her misery, but because I couldn't risk too come so soon, I just couldn't let that happening.

Though the temptation to push in once more as I was halfway out proved to be too strong and a loud cry escaped her as I destroyed her hope that this had come to an end. But that thrust had risked my luck once too much and got me too close to the edge. I separated myself from her without any of the slowness before; basically ripped my shaft out of her, a few drops of blood spilling behind.

Exhausted, Asuka just slumped down as I let go of her, not moving aside from her heavy breathing. But her ordeal wasn't over yet. Too weak or too shocked, she didn't fight when I grabbed her arm and turned her around, instantly sliding inside her again.

If I had seen her face, I probably wouldn't have been able to go on anymore. But while I held her down at her upper arms, my lust-clouded view focused only on her breasts that were swaying with each of my rapid thrusts. The memory of the happiness and excitement when I touched them the first time flickered in the back of my head, so I stopped one of them, harshly grabbing the fleshy globe.

I came, but I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. I needed this fleeting feeling of happiness; tried to keep it at all cost. But it was not to be. I didn't notice when I started to cry, I just realized when I saw my tears dropping onto her skin. While my vain thrusts became more and more erratic, my mind slowly came back to me and with it the inhumane horror of that day. Eventually, I just fell on top of Asuka, exhausted, empty, all the pleasure from just moments ago already vanished, leaving me behind even more cold. Asuka was all that was left.

I clung onto her, buried my face to the crook of her neck. But her warm cheek next to mine didn't comfort me as intended. Feeling her dried and fresh tears mixing with mine, I finally realized what I just had done - and felt even more disgusted with myself.

This, I had done with my own hands. This, I had done to someone even closer to me. I had hurt her just for my pleasure, just because I couldn't handle my pain and anger in any other way. I just let it all out on her.

I wouldn't have blamed her if she would have hated me for that, if she would have kicked and punched me out of the bed, her room and her life.

All the more it took me by surprise when she pulled her arms around me, holding me just as tight as I held her.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed over and over again, "I'm so sorry."

She sniffed, running her hand soothingly through my hair. "I know," she answered teary. "I know."

I didn't want to let go of her. Just lying there with her like that felt different. But somehow it made me feel better than everything we did before.

I didn't want to let go. If I would have known that it was the last time for a long while that we would be like this, I'd probably never have.

{}

When I thought the omnipresent silence couldn't get any worse, I didn't know how wrong I had been. I should have been glad that they weren't fucking all day any longer, I guess. But that uneasiness between them to the point of seemingly avoiding or ignoring each other made me feel even more sick. It was especially bad with Shinji. He couldn't even look at Asuka anymore.

Not even that was the low point in our little "family" though. A few days after that night, the 14th Angel arrived and took Shinji from us. He didn't die, he just... vanished somehow into his Eva.

It was a big shock for everyone - everyone but Asuka, it seemed. I'm not sure which reaction I was supposed to expect from her, but at first it was as though she didn't even realize what happened, as though it never happened at all and Shinji would be waiting at home or was just out for a few hours.

That said, she didn't revert to her old, brash self either. In fact, I noticed after a while that she was growing more and more distant. A haunted look afflicted her eyes and she obviously didn't get much sleep. She also started to eat less during our silent meals. I somehow doubt she even realized that she often chose to sit at Shinji's side of the table.

She was often out for hours, long after school was over and despite having no appointment at NERV. I don't think I want to know what she did or tried to do in that time. Would it be heartless to say I was somewhat glad that her mood seemed to have dropped each of those times, apparently not having got what she had searched for? That doesn't mean however, that her state didn't keep me from worrying.

Rei always seemed a little scary, being the most apathetic person I ever known. Or so I had thought until that night I wanted to check on Asuka and saw her lying motionless on her bed, staring with a blank expression at the ceiling - all the while holding a wide vibrator that worked loudly buzzing inside her pussy.

I don't know if that sight shocked me so much, but I was staring at this unnatural lack of emotion for quite some time. Her naked, sweating body was almost enchanting in the moonlight, but my eyes were fixed beneath the glistening patch of pubic hair, on the end of the twisting rod that stuck out between her hand, making me wonder how much of its length was still buried within the intruded hole.

As I watched her "pleasuring" herself, I couldn't even tell how long I've been standing there. The more it startled me as her still body suddenly bucked short and abruptly in a hard fought orgasm. Her hand moved to slowly remove the, slick and glistening vibrator, still winding and just let it buzz on the mattress. Some juices dripped out with it, dampening the sheets, but not a single moan escaped her.

"This doesn't work."

I actually felt a shiver running down my spine as she mumbled those words in an almost angry whisper and I stumbled backwards, away from her room as fast as I could. I tried not to think about the wet spot between my legs.

{}

Why couldn't I just stop thinking about it? I had been able to live so well without sex before all this had started. But despite the pain it had caused me that one night - I mean, anyone else would surely have been scarred for life and never want to have anything to do with it again after such an experience. But I - I just couldn't get out of my head how good it used to feel, the desire to have it once more. Maybe it was just the remorse, some primitive instinct that kicked in because I might had lost all my chances to feel it ever again.

The few days after that night, until he vanished, he was so obviously ridden by guilt; he didn't even manage to look at me. But it wasn't just him. I was also too reluctant. I blamed it on "still being sore", even though that was only half the truth. It did hurt for a while, but not just physically.

Even today, I'm still haunted by the memories of that night. When he came into my room he had seem so down that it was pathetic, but it worked as I intended to go easy on him after what he had to go through that day. How should I have known that he would shove me into the mattress and ram his dick mindlessly into me like a jackhammer into the street? While I disliked the roughness and I surely would "have had a word with him" afterwards, it was bearable. But when he put it there...

I don't want to know how much it would have hurt if I hadn't told myself to relax. There was the flicker of hope that he might come to his senses and not do it if I'd tried to block him out. But when he filled my ass, I was glad that I didn't, as the pain that scorched my body was much too strong as it was.

I hated being so helpless, I hated not being able to stop him from using my body. I hated it because it took me by surprise, I hated it because of the pain it caused. But most of all I hated it because it scared me, because it showed how much of a scared little girl I truly was - at least to me.

I could still understand him. I could understand his anger, I could understand that he had tried to let his grief out like that and I knew he hated himself because of it even more than ever before, so I'd actually tried not to blame him as well.

But I can't deny that he had scared me. It had seemed so unreal that the friendly, timid Shinji could be so aggressive. What if he would snap again? No matter what, it's only natural to become a little anxious after such an incident.

Though worst was that I could understand. Because in a way... I had been doing just the same. I had used him to relieve my needs, to forget my pain. I hadn't been as forceful, but otherwise I had been doing just the same. I never forgave him as there was nothing I had the right to forgive.

I think that scared me the most.

When Shinji vanished - I didn't know how to feel. That damned urge had made itself present already before, but I had always told myself "Let's wait a bit longer", "Tomorrow's another day" and so on. But then suddenly he was gone and the urge was left unsatisfied. At first I just tried to ignore it, but that was much easier said than done.

I tried to masturbate, even with "tools" that I got only with cheating of others and myself. But that - that just wasn't the same. It wasn't enough. Not nearly enough! I don't know why. I could simulate the touches, even the penetrations - but it couldn't make me feel the way it usually had.

As much as I disliked the thought: I had to find yet another one I'd disgrace myself to by letting him fuck me, if only just one time to finally get rid of my need once and for all (or so I deluded myself).

But who? Kaji was out of question. He would have just dismissed it as another hollow attempt to seduce him. Hell, if I hadn't done that all the time I wouldn't have been in this state at all. While I'm sure Misato had drugged our food somehow that one evening, I could have easily backed off when she made her immoral offer that night. But how could my pride have allowed me to say "no" to the thing I always had proudly proclaimed to want?

Even though I wasn't that child anymore, he wouldn't understand. And I was actually glad about that. I felt ashamed around him since all of this begun, ashamed on how immature I had been, but also because this immature girl that he thought to know - and in his way liked - was gone.

Everyone at NERV knew me too well and would, at best, be risking their jobs. That would have meant more trouble than I was willing to stir. Yet.

So I started to drop subtle and less subtle hints to probably every male student that crossed my path at school that seemed at least somewhat acceptable. I knew it was just a question of time until the gossips would begin. Maybe they were already talking behind my back. But I couldn't help it. I needed that feeling again. And I was desperate enough to sell my soul and whatever amount of dignity I had left for it.

Though despite all that, I really overestimated the guys. You'd think horny teenage boys would jump at such offer, but while these cowards were always bloating about who had seen the whitest panties; when confronted with the actual thing they would only babble some incoherent excuse and run like a scared chicken.

I didn't even scored with those pedophile bastards from nearby colleges, who couldn't get a girl of their age and rather tried to impress the inexperienced high school teens, because they thought I was literally jailbait and the cops were just around the corner waiting for them to accept.

Maybe I was too direct. But I wasn't interested in flirts and dates, I just wanted someone to satisfy that damned itch. That I would have to go that far however...

"Look, if you're not intending to help, say it now! That would probably much faster!"

I hadn't even realized that I had been spacing out again until his words brought me out of it. It was already quite a while since school had ended for that day and the sun was already setting, but the cleaning duty we both were assigned to took much longer than usual - admittedly mostly thanks to me. We hadn't even finished moving the desks, let alone cleaned the floor.

"Everyone else is probably gone already. I wanted to go camping after school, before it gets dark!" he complained, pointing to the extra bag he brought with him that day. Heh! One of his friends missing, the other crippled in hospital, and he wants to go out and have fun. And they call me "devil" and whatever else.

I didn't even bother to answer. I had been turned down twice that day and it was nagging more at me than it should. Maybe it was because of that... I don't know... Before that possibility could even come to my mind, I could feel my throat forming the words...

"Fuck me."

I have no idea where that had come from; it just blurted like a reflex. But once it was out, there was no way back.

"What?"

Any other time, I would have smirked, would have put him down and would have ridiculed that awkward surprise in his voice, but right now, I couldn't care less.

"You heard me. Don't get stupid ideas, I'm not interested in being your girlfriend or something. No kissing or cuddling. I don't even want you to touch me more than necessary. Just stick it inside me and fuck. Just this one time."

But like the others, he did anything but jump at that sluttish offer. "That... that's a trick, right? We both know you'd beat me into a bloody pulp the second I touch you. I'm not so stupid to fall for that!"

I couldn't believe my ears. Did I really fall so low that not even this scum wanted to fuck me? That couldn't be! It just couldn't!

I had to think of something that would convince him I was serious; something to show that I didn't intent to hurt him using a trick. Granted, the idea that eventually popped up in my mind as my eyes fell on that object wasn't my best.

"Y-you have rope in there, right?" I asked trembling. I couldn't even bear to look up.

"Huh?"

"With your camping stuff." I motioned with my head still down to the bulging bag at his desk with several coils of white rope sticking out.

"Sure. But...?"

"Tie me up..." I merely managed to whisper the explanation, my clenched fists quivering.

But that idiot still didn't understand. "You... what? You can't be serious!"

My head shook as if on its own as he spoke, not wanting to hear his words. Not another one turning her down. Not after such an offer.

It just couldn't be...

"Just do it already!" I spat almost hysterical. "Tie me up! I can't beat you when I'm helpless like that, right? You can fuck me then!"

"Are you...?"

I couldn't listen to this any longer. Not leaving anymore doubts, I reached under my skirt and pulled my panties down to my knees. The sight of the thin cotton undergarment, white and pristine with a little red bow in front, caused him to shut up instantly.

"So?" I asked plainly, stepping out of the garment with one foot after another, bunching it into a tiny ball that I let fall on a table next to me while I tried to show the confidence I once had been known for and lacked so much recently.

It took him a few seconds to finally close his gaping mouth again. "I-I'll be right back," he wheezed and stumbled back to his bag, taking a few calming breaths before dropping down and rummaging in it. When he approached me with several lengths of rope in his hand, I turned around, wetting my dry throat.

My heartbeat and breathing quickened as I crossed my arms behind my back, ready for him to bind. I think the only time I had been so nervous was that first night with Shinji. But this time it was for different reasons.

"Remember: No touching, not even looking at more than you need to; just fucking. Got it?" I shouted over my shoulder. Apparently, he was too excited himself to answer. Though he might have nodded, but I couldn't see.

He hurried wrapping the rope around my wrists, circling them rapidly as if he was still not convinced that I wouldn't trick him after all and beat the shit out of him in the last second.

Feeling every turn and pull that made me aware of my forearms getting imprisoned by the soft cotton, I couldn't quite believe it myself that I was letting him do this without putting up a trace of resistance. I simply stood there passively as he kept turning the rope in and out, feeling it rustling against my shirt, against my skirt; the damp, shallow panting of his breath sometimes hitting the back of my neck.

He gave the ropes a tug and I felt the rope become as unyielding as steel, but obviously he wasn't satisfied with just forcing my hands behind my back. He tightened the rope and pulled it around my upper body, trapping my shirt and uniform above and below my breasts, pinning my upper arms to my sides, forcing me to thrust my chest forward to relive some of the tension - I realized he was attempting one of these tying-techniques you could see in almost every one of those hentai magazines I had seen when I walked into the sex shop to purchase the vibrator with which I had tried to relive myself a few days after Shinji had left.

I was letting this Japanese geek live out his perversions and I didn't even twitch.

How pathetic had I become?

When he was finally finished restraining my arms, he nudged me to lie forward on the desk in front of me. I felt my weight resting squarely on my chest, bending at my waist and I struggled testing against the bonds while he tied my ankles to a broom stick as makeshift spreader-bar. I don't know if he had learned it along with his idiotic military games or if this pervert had actually trained and waited for an opportunity like this, but the ropes were tight and the knots strong and out of reach for my fingers. Even if I had wanted to, I wouldn't have been able to get free by myself.

He actually managed to render me helpless, and instead of fighting it, I had turned myself over to him - and that multiplied that sickening feeling rather than easing it. But it was too late now, there was no way out anymore.

Watching me struggling futilely must have boosted his confidence. Once he finished tying my legs apart, I jerked in surprise when I suddenly felt his hand running up my thigh.

"Cut that crap!" I warned, trying to squirm away from his touch. Of course, I had no such luck. He reached under my skirt, aiming for my ass.

"Just... just fuck me!" Damn. That sounded much too scared.

"I'm not as stupid as you might think." I could almost hear the smirk in his voice. "This is a chance I won't get again anytime soon, so I'm not letting it go to waste," he retorted, bringing his other hand up as well to grope both of my ass cheeks.

I realized then that I was literally in his hands - and though I tried my best not to satisfy him by showing it, I started to panic. He already seemed to enjoy my helplessness way too much. I cursed at him, though inwardly it was directed at myself. Once I had such a brilliant mind and now it had actually believed this freak would keep his hands off me while having unrestricted access?

I tensed when one of his piercing fingers suddenly brushed over my asshole, memories of that one night returning, but "fortunately" it didn't push in and "just" wandered further down until it touched my pussy lips. I flinched at the contact, but he just chuckled as he probed the to him unfamiliar flesh. "Shit, this is so great."

"Okay, you had your fun! Now fuck me already!" I screamed, again much too pleading. His hands actually left me, but I got my hopes up too soon. He grabbed my left arm, trying to pull me up.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked, glaring at him over my shoulder.

"Turning you around."

"Why? You can just fuck me from behind!" I really didn't like were this was going.

His answer was a mere huff as he heaved me up, using both arms now. Some of my fighting spirit had finally returned, but tied up as I was I didn't have a chance; especially when he took me by surprise and stopped his attempt to turn me and rather pulled me further backwards; apparently having realized that with the radius of my forced-apart legs would be too much of a hurdle anyway. The broomstick separating my legs made me stumble from the force of the push and after just two steps I landed unceremoniously on my back onto another desk behind me.

Before I could recover from the impact, he was already looming over me. The first thing I felt were my bound arms pressing uncomfortably into my back, the second was him undoing the buttons of my uniform's blouse at my breasts.

"Goddamnit," I groaned - or whimpered - as he tugged the white fabric to the sides, exposing the two mounds against my will. And silly me just had to wear a bra that could easily be opened from the front. Just seconds after, their skin was hit by the cool atmosphere of the air conditioned room, instantly stiffening my nipples. I winced as he eagerly grasped both breasts at once, his fingers digging into my soft flesh as he kneaded them, grunting ecstatic as he did so.

I turned my head away; my eyes clenched shut. I really didn't want to see him as he used me. When he started to play with my nipples, causing them to harden even more, I gritted my teeth not to give him the pleasure of hearing any gasps or moans, even ones just out of natural reflex.

I could feel him leaning closer, his ragged breathing against my cheek and I renewed my struggles, mewling with despair and forced pleasure as I, more than ever, wanted to get away from him.

"What's the matter, Soryu?" he asked cocky. "I thought girls like some foreplay."

"I don't give a damn!" I retorted, shivering slightly at his much too close voice. "Especially when it's with you!"

A startled gasp escaped me after all as his lips suddenly engulfed one of my engorged nipples, sucking on it.

"You have great tits, Soryu," he commented after stopping, and I could still feel the slobbery, thick saliva on me. "But I better make sure to taste as much of you as I can."

He moved too fast for me to react (not that I really could have reacted), tightly cupping my head with both of his hands and pulling it over to face him, his lips forcefully pressing onto mine. Now I really felt sick and I twisted and turned as much as I could in my bonds as I desperately tried to get my head out of his grasp again. But his grip was too strong for me in that position, and he didn't seem to care about my attempts to get away, just as he didn't seem to notice or bother that I wasn't kissing him back.

I coughed; my eyes actually teary as I dared to crack them open after the longest fifteen seconds of my life, and seeing him grinning like the idiot he was as he moved downwards didn't really fill me with hope.

My skirt was lifted, revealing my defenseless pussy to him. Even when craning my neck, I couldn't see what he was doing, but in a way I was glad. It was bad enough that I had to feel it.

I heard him sniffing twice, apparently close by. "Hmm, you're smelling good as well," he muttered while tracing my lower lips again, no doubt in what he thought was a slow, sensuous manner, but that felt as cold and obtrusive to me as when I had my monthly physical, but I moaned involuntary as he poked against my clit.

Now it became apparent why he tied my legs apart, aside from keeping me to kick him. I instinctively tried to close them, but even thrashing them wildly I couldn't deny him access. Then I felt... his tongue. Just one lick though and no stupid comment afterwards. Probably wasn't quite the sweet honey he expected it to be. Well, too bad!

It was almost relieving when I heard the zipper of his trousers. A moment later, he finally entered me - but it didn't evoke the feeling I had hoped for. Instead of wanting it deeper inside, my instincts screamed to me to pull it out as fast as I could.

That he was pushing so slowly just increased my torment. But judging by his excited gasps he was too absorbed in his own pleasure to notice or care.

"Oh shit," he breathed with sickening delight in his voice just when he was completely inside of me. "Oh shit! I - I'm fucking - I'm really fucking you!"

A bit of his drool dropped onto my chest, burning like acid on my heated skin. I couldn't bear it anymore. It just couldn't work as long as he constantly reminded who was doing this to me. I needed to distract myself from him. My head rolled to the side and I stared out of the window.

I concentrated on the intense red of the cloudless sky in the setting sun.

I concentrated on the sounds of birds and the ever-present cicadas.

I concentrated on the saliva that trickled unhindered out of my partly open mouth that I didn't care to close anymore.

I concentrated on the pain in my arms and back, even more so now as I was rocked over the desk.

And I concentrated on the hard cock thrusting in and out of my yearning twat - but twitching much too soon. He jerked against me, groaning loudly as he came; squeezing my breasts once more as he rode out his orgasm. When he caught his breath again, he reluctantly let go and pulled his spent dick out of my still unsatisfied pussy, the cum that he had spilled inside me trailing after it, trickling onto the desk.

That was all...

For only a few strokes, I had shed all I had left of my dignity. For not even a full minute of pleasure, I had humiliated myself, submitting to him.

I think he said something, but I didn't listen. My mind was blank, only vaguely I recall how he cut me free and that I left the room as quickly as possible. When my senses came back to me, I was kneeling on the floor in the girl's bathroom, tears running unstoppable over my cheeks as I leaned over a toilet as I puked out the contents of my stomach.

{}

"Misato?"

I guess it tells a lot when a simple, soft call of your name has gotten rare enough to startle you. It was two, maybe two and a half weeks after Shinji's disappearance that she approached me in the kitchen.

In my defense, I had thought she was at school, as it was still morning. But given that she apparently hadn't made herself ready yet; her hair uncombed and clad only in one of her leisure outfits she usually wore at home - she didn't seem to intent going there anytime soon. And as I later learned, she wouldn't go for the next few days either. Though I didn't know what happened there the day before; after having seen her as she returned I shouldn't have been too surprised.

I, however, was at her "request".

"Would you... fuck me...?" she merely breathed as she stared to the floor between our feet. "I know now that... that it can't be with just anyone. It needs to be someone who I... don't despise. It can't feel good otherwise. I can't ask Kaji... and no one else. You... you're the only one. H-help me, please."

Is it necessary to say that I was speechless? Not just that this once so proud girl was now so... broken, she was asking me to... do "that"?

"It used to feel so good. I- I need to feel that again. Just once more!" she continued, her voice getting a bit louder, but not more stable as she swayed closer to me. "I-I know I never thanked you. I'm not even sure if you actually wanted to do me a favor when you played that trick at me to make me fuck with Shinji. But you never seemed to mind, you never said anything against it when we did it. So I figured you liked seeing us like that."

I gaped at her, not believing my ears. They never used it as revenge at me. They weren't successfully trying to make me rot in my guilt. They were thankful that I let them live out their sexuality so openly!

I wasn't sure whether to be flattered or offended.

It wasn't until I felt Asuka gripping my shirt that I realized that I still hadn't answered. She was shaking as she enforced her plea. "Come on! You're the only one I can ask! The only one who might be able to make it feel good again! Please..."

That was too much for me to bear. I cupped her lowered face in both of my hands, raising it to look into her desperate eyes, my mind franticly searching for words to talk her out of this foolishness. But who was I to talk about foolishness?

Seeing her like this, longing for my help, wanting me - I was losing it. I felt all these pent-up emotions rising in me, all these desires I had tried to suppress over the last weeks every time they made me witness it.

And I gave in.

I kissed her, sudden, and forceful enough that I pushed her backwards onto the table. Despite what I had tried to trick her with, I never had a threesome or any experience with a girl and never with someone this young.

It was a frenzy; scaring, but it also made me feel so alive, the adrenaline, the rush, the feeling of doing something dirty…

Her lips were so soft as mine played with them, her skin like silk as I held her down. Her slim body felt so hot as it was pressed against mine. The wheezing air she breathed out of her nostrils against my cheek drove me wild and I forced my tongue between her lips into her sweet mouth in search for hers, stroking the delicate tip with mine.

My left hand went down to grab her breast, kneading the clad globe furiously, arousing her nipple until it stood through the fabric of her shirt. Playing with the hard nub was almost as exciting as if it were my own and she bucked against me in surprise as I twisted it slightly.

Eventually, I pried my hand from her luscious firm tit and used it to raise her left leg while partially climbing on the table. Like that, I pushed our groins together, grinding against her despite our clothes between us. I could only imagine it would have felt like if it had been her wet pussy that stroked mine, if her fine pubic hair would have tickled as it brushed against me, but I had to settle with my panties digging into my slit from the movement.

Squeezing our breasts together, I moaned into her mouth as I felt her stiff nipple poking into my supple flesh, mine quickly hardening in response. They kept rubbing against each other ever so often as I continued to devour her lips, unwilling to let go of them. I couldn't get enough of her and I didn't even know why.

I never had any experience with a girl and had never intended to be - even less with Asuka. But I had waited so long for this. Wasn't I part of this "family"? Wasn't I the one who made them live together and later more? Why hadn't they thanked me? It hadn't been fair to leave me out! Didn't I mean anything to them!?

That hit me.

I didn't want it to help her. I didn't want it because I cared. I didn't even want it because I was attracted to her. I just wanted it to satisfy my own selfish need; wanted to be a part of that relationship they shared. Just for that I was willing to abuse the confused girl's situation.

I jumped off her immediately, but it was too late to stop the guilt and shame. It got even worse when I realized that she hadn't wrapped herself around me or returned the kiss. The whole time, she had just lain there on the table, her arms spread to the sides, not even looking at me.

"What are you waiting for?" she asked awkwardly emotionless. "Just go on already."

"I'm sorry," I said as I shook my head, tears dwelling in my eyes, knowing that I couldn't do anything to help her. "I just..."

I chocked on my words; I couldn't bear it any longer. I bolted out of the room and tried to ignore again. I tried to ignore her frustrated sobs. I tried to ignore the shattering as something clashed against the floor or the walls. I tried to ignore that I was unable to give her the love she was craving for.

I failed miserably.

{}

"Ikari-kun. Do you want to become one with me? In body and soul?"

I don't remember much of the time I was inside my Eva, but that I remember well. It had been so long, so long since I had felt such touch, so I accepted "Rei"'s offer without giving it a second thought. Naked just like me, all I had to do was to grab her hips, pulling her down to sheath her with my shaft. Instantly my entire presence was filled with that indescribable warmth that I had missed so much.

"This isn't right."

I tried not to listen to that voice that sounded so much like my own, instead assisting Rei as she rode me. I cupped her breasts, kneading them softly. I felt happy, so sickening happy. But as I looked up to her face, into her piercing red eyes as she smiled warmly back at me, I knew the voice was right.

It wasn't like it was supposed to be. Something was off and I couldn't even tell what. I had this beautiful girl on top of me, willingly serving my needs, but somehow... somehow it wasn't enough. We became one in body... but not in soul.

In a single instant, my happiness turned into something different, something sinister. I was about to panic as I felt a hand touch my cheek, turning my head gently to the side.

"Do you want to become one with me instead?" Misato asked and again I felt enchanted, wanting nothing more than to say yes. Even more so as she kissed me intensely on the lips. With Rei engulfing my erection again and again, Misato passionately kissing me, two of the women I had most desires for were fulfilling them. And still something was missing.

"Hey, Baka-Shinji," another voice hushed in my ear and my heart skipped a beat. Prying my face away from Misato's and found myself staring into those beautiful blue eyes. "You want to become one with me, right? I'm telling you, so come on," she continued, taking my hand and placing it onto her breast. Asuka...

Asuka! I was crying in joy. It surely would feel right with her. It had to!

I rolled over on top of her, not really caring that this made Rei fall off me in the process. I entered Asuka swiftly, immediately pumping inside her at a steady speed; not too slow, not too fast; a pace and intensity I felt I could keep up forever.

As I kissed her hungrily, she wrapped her arms and legs around me, tight, but not uncomfortable, as though she wasn't willing to let me go. I didn't intent to. Asuka wanting me, loving me - that was all I needed.

But then an image flashed before my eyes, replacing her blissful, lust-filled face for a second with one grimacing in agony, tears running down her cheeks. I froze as the memories came back, of her screams that I had ignored, of the pain that I had caused her.

This wasn't her. It couldn't be her. Asuka would never want me again. Not after what I had done to her.

"You are so sure about that," the boy at the opposite side of the train noticed.

"I've hurt her. I've used her, raped her! Even I can't forgive myself for that. How could she possibly do?"

"Did she ever held it against you?" my younger self countered. "Did she ever said or showed that she hates you because of that? Did she not in fact hold you close afterwards and comfort both of you?"

"But she avoided me after that!"

"She was scared just as you were. But she's strong, isn't she? I'm sure she will overcome her fear."

"But what about me? I'm weak. I'm too afraid to hurt her again..."

"Stay here then," the three sirens purred, their hands roaming affectionately over me.

"We'll be good to you," "Rei" sang.

"We'll give you pleasure," "Misato" chimed in.

"Asuka" kissed my cheek tenderly. "I will always want you."

Confused, unsure what to do, I looked pleading over to my inner child. But he just shook his head. "This is your choice. Stay with them in this false dream they offer and lose any chance you have to find happiness in reality, or take the risk to be despised and alone again."

That choice seemed so easy and yet impossible to make. I mean, wouldn't someone have to be really stupid not to chose a paradise, even if only a false one, over a very likely life of despair and loneliness?

But I guess Asuka was right when she used to call me stupid.

{}

I avoided Asuka since that day, even more than before. I think I saw her maybe just three or four times at home during the next two weeks. Of course I heard her, rumbling in the apartment, when she was under the shower, using the toilet - and of course at night when her cries invaded my room where I stayed most of the time when I was actually there. I worked more overtime than in my entire career up to then.

To others that must have seemed like I did it out of concern for my "lost" charge and indeed, I spent a lot of work with the "Shinji Salvation Project". But my motives weren't nearly as noble as they thought. Not that I didn't care for his wellbeing, but more than that, my egoistic side just wanted him to come home so I could as well; even if that meant they'd be screwing each other on a constant basis again. I couldn't say for sure it really made them happy, even less in Shinji's case - but anything would have been better than it was then.

Overall though, my work consisted mostly of supervising everything. I pretty much had to trust Ritsuko and her staff with their efforts to... get him back. No idea how many times I heard and read the explanations of his state and the plans to revive him from the LCL soup, I must admit that I understood the half of it at best.

All that mattered was that it worked. After thirty-one long days, Shinji finally returned to us.

It wasn't until the next day that he woke up. I waited the whole night in front of the room he was sleeping in, ever so often asking myself if I shouldn't call Asuka that he was alright. She knew more or less when the attempt would be made and I'm sure, whether she would have admitted it or not, that she was anxious about the outcome. But I didn't know what to say. Just "He's alright" and hang up again?

Despite the big relief of the day, it was an uncomfortable night on an uncomfortable chair in the cold halls of the infirmary.

At least, being tired as I was when he finally regained consciousness gave me a good excuse not having to talk too much with him on our trip home. I never had been a very silent type, the "dark times" aside, but recently I really wasn't good at finding the words. "By the way Shinji, Asuka needs it really bad; why don't you fuck her brains out when we arrive?" Yeah, right...

I was actually glad when he broke the uncomfortable silence.

"How... how's Asuka?"

...even if it wasn't quite a topic I'd liked to talk about. But on the other hand, it was in a way good to hear him asking for her.

"She... missed you," I said, trying not to be too blunt.

"She...?" Whether he looked through that cover-up or if it was the implied affection, it actually seemed to surprise him. After initially wide-eyed turning his head to me, he slowly regained composure. "I-I missed her too."

The rest of our trip was made in silence again. But I think I had a small smile on my lips, at least until I opened the door of our apartment.

Asuka must have gotten home from school just before us; as we entered she was standing in the hallway, still clad in her uniform. They didn't speak as they noticed each other. They just stared at the long-lost partner as though unsure whether to greet at all.

Eventually, hesitatingly, Shinji stepped over to her, not losing the eye contact. He stopped a few inches in front of her and then - nothing. For almost a full minute, any motion was a mere twitch, any parting of lips was closed without a sound having escaped as both waited for the other to make the first move.

Then out of nowhere, they flung at each other and kissed. Not very long or passionate, but it was the most affectionate thing I had ever seen between them. Just a moment later, Asuka's back was against the wall.

Ever so quickly, she opened his trousers, producing his already very erect member, while he simultaneously grabbed under her skirt. She raised her left leg to assist him pulling her panties down her buttocks and thighs. When the white fabric fell down to her right ankle, Shinji kept holding the leg up, gaining easy access as it also kept the green uniform out of the way, and he made quick use of it, eliciting a surprised moan from the redhead as he filled her up completely with a single stroke. That all happened in a matter of seconds.

Asuka clung tightly onto him, her fingers digging into the back of his shirt. Her head rested on his shoulder as her body shook with each of his thrusts. Shinji kept his lips close to her ear; not sure if he whispered something to her, kissed, or just breathed, but given the look on her face, the tears that ran down her cheek weren't out of sadness or despair anymore.

And there were moans, finally sounds of the pleasure that they gave each other. I doubt they even noticed the difference, but to me it was the most beautiful thing I've heard in months.

However... I can't deny that I still felt a bit jealous of their happiness...

{}

He's asleep now. It's not even dark outside yet, but I don't care. You're not getting reborn every day, so I guess it's to be expected that he's a little tired. And it's not like I gave him much time to rest. Though I doubt he minded in any way - it was him who started after all, nudging me over to the wall after I kissed him. He obviously wanted to make up for our last night. He wasn't too aggressive, but he wasn't overly gentle from being afraid of hurting me again either. He was... just right.

After our reunion in the hallway, once our orgasms subsided, we had retreated to my room. We made love two more times until he fell asleep. Since then I lie here partly on top of him.

Heh. Funny - I think that just now was the first time I called it "make love". But it's probably the best to describe it.

I love him. I know that now. I used to think it was the sex. But it's only with him that I can feel this way.

I actually told him just before I reached my second climax of that evening. A mere whisper and it was in German, so even if he heard it, he wouldn't have understand.

It doesn't matter. He doesn't really need to hear it.

I know what most people would think. It's quite obviously not quite the romantic kind of love that you see in those sappy movies or novels. After all, we're not really acting like a picture-perfect couple; cuddling and holding hands all the time, going out on dates, sharing good and bad with each other, kissing... well, we might kiss a little more often from now on. I actually like the taste of his lips.

But I know - it's "just sex". "Just an addiction."

Yeah, that's why they call it. And it's probably right. But is there really such a difference between love and addiction? If something gives you pleasure, so much that you can't live without it anymore, that you want to have it all the time - who's to decide?

Everyone's addicted to something, whether they admit it or not. People can be addicted to drugs, but also to their family, their work, or whatever else gives them a glimpse of hope in their miserable life that they couldn't bear to lose. That was once the case for me with my Eva.

But of course they don't call it that. They call it love or dedication or whatever else. "Addiction", they only call it with those things they deem strange, unhealthy or plain "bad" in the eyes of the neat spoken and unspoken rules of their society.

I'm addicted to him. Addicted to the pleasure he can give me. I don't have a problem to admit that. It surely hadn't always been that way - and of course I can't say yet if it always will. But right now, I don't care if others call it "just" an addiction, if they call it weird or wrong or even sick.

I... at least for now... I'll call it "love".

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Happy A.N. time!

Hope it's always obvious enough when it's who's point of view, I really didn't want to put up lame "Tis part is from Misato's POV, m'kay?" indicators everywhere.

It was a bit hurried here and there to make it in time for Toby's Lemon contest and it probably shows. Especially the third scene from Shinji's POV, which was added pretty much in the last minute when I noticed that it was a bit unbalanced with him having only two (and one of it might have worked just as well/better from Asuka's) and needing a break between the two from Misato's. But at least that also presented the opportunity to give the Rei fans some action, albeit still very little. :P

I didn't want to release it until I got a (p)re-reader (and maybe did some pics for the version on evamade), but since still no one offered him-/herself to correct all this (and given my working speed it would take, like, forever till I got the pics finished), I figured: "Meh." *sigh* I guess is what you get when you go for quality for once: No one wants to make sure that it is. XD

I was a little worried about some scenes and mostly the beginning being too silly, thus giving the wrong impression that it's a rather lighthearted, maybe even a comedy, which would suddenly pull the reader down with the (obvious) darker scenes. But if I had gone by the dream this was based on, the beginning would also have featured Ritsuko helping Misato to get Asuka fucking Shinji and that would have been even more silly.

But whatever. Since it got the second place in the contest (though with Warp only one vote behind), I guess it's not as bad as I feared.

Addition: I asked Nawa awhile ago to (p)re-read this one too, which he actually also already did awhile ago. However, there was one little thing that had kept me from making the edits until now (aside from my laziness): Beforehand, he had mentioned that he'd like to beef the bondage scene up a bit - but in the end didn't because he was unsure if it'd fit. I agreed, also because I liked it the way it was (and it being already more personal fanservice for me than necessary as it was), but the little fetishist in me had gotten curious so I had to pester him for a couple of months for something I could release at least as omake until he finally got around to do it. I needed to fix a bit here and there (and added a few lines myself to flesh his scenario out a bit more), and so here it is for the hardcore fans among you (consider those of you who already thought the original version was too much warned hereby):

OMAKE: