Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Angel Standing By ❯ Learning to Live Again ( Chapter 3 )

Laying motionless on his bed, staring at the blank ceiling, Shinji kept replaying the scene in his mind over and over. He brought his hand up to his face, flexing his fingers.

"I killed him," Shinji murmured. "Through my Eva, I killed him."

Shinji continued to examine his hand. Through his connections with his Eva, he had felt the crunch of Kaworu's breaking bones and the very hand in front of his eyes was the hand that had snuffed out the other's life.

"But he was an angel. I've had to kill the other angels. It was my job, he was my enemy," Shinji whispered to himself, trying to find justification of his actions.

But the feeling of crushing Kaworu danced like a phantom on his hand. Kaworu had been as human as Shinji: his bones broke, human blood stained the hand of his Eva and Kaworu had felt love. Shinji had killed a human, his friend. The one that had loved him.

"No! He betrayed me and lied to me! If he lied about being an angel, who's to say he didn't lie about loving me too!" Shinji broke into sobs at this heart breaking thought.

Had everything Kaworu done been a lie? Shinji remembered the sweet kisses, the warm embraces, and the soft, loving words whispered in his ear. They all had been lies. Shinji's blood ran cold and sobs assaulted him.

"Did I ever claim to be an angel?" Kaworu's voice whispered in the back of Shinji's mind.

Shinji froze as he thought about this. Kaworu had betrayed him, but he had never told Shinji a single lie. Shinji didn't know Kaworu was an angel and Kaworu had never brought it up. During their short time together, that hadn't mattered. Shinji suddenly felt a warm realization wash over him, stifling his cries and quelling his fears. Shinji began to understand the reasons behind Kaworu's actions. Kaworu was destined to be an angel, no different than how Shinji was meant to be an Eva pilot. Like Shinji, Kaworu had also been forced to follow his father's will.

Shinji sat up slowly, thoughts rushing through his head. Kaworu knew he had a short amount of time and had decided to spend it loving Shinji. Kaworu was just a boy and had thus wanted to enjoy what little time he could. Shinji felt fresh tears begin to streak down his face, now just from the fact that he would never see Kaworu again.

Shinji was faced with two choices after Kaworu's death. He could either give up living himself and accept the idea that life was going to continuously bean him into submission. Or he could continue living, fighting day to day to survive and hoping that happiness would once again find him.

The idea of dying and being with Kaworu was a frightening possibility for Shinji. He once again held up his hands, this time examining his wrists. It would be so simple, if the cuts went deep enough, then it would be over. All of this would end and he would be with Kaworu for eternity. Kaworu had so easily given his life, certainly he wouldn't disapprove of Shinji doing the same.

But Kaworu hadn't died for his own benefit. Kaworu died for Shinji and for humanity. Kaworu found Shinji's life worth his own. Shinji wasn't willing to give up Kaworu's last gift to him.

Shinji was then left with the option of living. The world seemed to continue on a regular basis, now that the angels had all been defeated. People were moving back in to Tokyo-3, once they learned it was no longer a threat. With all the new people, Shinji had the chance to start over. He could make new friends, try to live on. If he couldn't convince himself to do it for him, then he would do it for Kaworu.

"He died for me," Shinji said, a lighter tone leaking into his voice. "He died for me and I will make sure his death wasn't in vain."



Author's Note: Another really short chapter, I know. But I'm still trying to kick my own butt into writing more for this. I'll probably get more prolific writing this when the story really gets going. Let me know what you thought of this chapter! Reviews are always appreciated. Oh, and because I haven't mentioned it yet: I don't own Eva and never will. This is a work of fan fiction and is not made for profit, just for my enjoyment and that of others!