Neon Genesis Evangelion:

Apocryphal Rhythms

Part5

by ZERØ's Wings

Goldberg Variation No. 30, "Quodlibet," reached its spiritual climax, then fell away, absorbing a last few seconds of air and sound before evaporating completely. Rei and Shinji waited in silence, hoping for more to come, but the suite was over. Shinji exhaled in a contented sigh; then turned off the stereo. Rei had asked Shinji to do something with her that he truly enjoyed. They had been listening to classical music for hours.

"I enjoyed that very much," Rei said in quiet admiration.

"Yeah, Bach is one of my favorite composers. I really like the Brandenburg Concertos too," Shinji added.

"Music is good for the soul."

Shinji nodded. "It certainly helps me sort things out. I'm almost never alone without some kind of music playing in the background."

"Does it help you fight that? That feeling of loneliness?" Rei asked this in an almost pleading voice. For as long as she could remember, she had been afraid of being alone. Despite that deep fear, Rei had spent most of her life by herself, and she often felt alone even when she was part of a group.

"I don't know," Shinji said, shaking his head. "I always have my thoughts, but sometimes it seems as if even they have turned against me. I often wish I had someone who didn't ask so much of me, or place so many hopes in me, but would just listen to me, and allow me to place hopes in them."

Rei instantly recognized all these traits in herself. In fact, she was so surprised and moved by Shinji's words that she blurted out a response loudly and quickly, completely uncharacteristic of her usual speaking tones. "But! I am--"

"I know," Shinji cut her off. "I found all those traits in you, Ayanami. That's why I enjoy spending time with you…even when every fact that surrounds you frightens me."

Rei had difficulty keeping tears from coming to her own eyes. She had cried before, and she understood that it was a manifestation of her sorrow. But now, she understood why Shinji had tears in his eyes after the battle with the fifth angel. She reached up quickly and deposited a single tear in the palm of her right hand. It rested there, in the groove below her fingers. Rei knew that the tiny, reflective bead of water in her hand was her first tear shed out of pure joy.

Rei blinked her eyes furiously, and the world around her became watery and distorted. She closed her tear-filled eyes and let the world melt away. A moment later she opened them again and everything was back to normal. Shinji was staring at her, his eyes wide with concern.

"Are you all right?" he asked. She nodded and brushed the single tear off on her sweatshirt. She had regained her composure. Shinji never saw the tear she shed, or the ones in her eyes, but he was reacting to the deep blush that appeared on her pale, milky white skin.

"Yes," Rei answered simply. "I need a bath."

*****

Rei laid back in Shinji's tub and closed her eyes. She had been soaking in that tub for a little over twenty minutes, and she hadn't even washed her hair. It was the longest bath she had ever taken. She slowly brought her thin, delicate legs up out of the water, feet first, and rested them on the porcelain outer lip of the tub, just above the faucet. Her toes were starting to get wrinkly.

Bad memories always seem to find me in the bath, she thought. She leaned her head forward and let the tips of her cerulean blue hair dangle on the clear, wavering membrane of water. Does Ikari really trust me? Or does he just think I'm a doll, like everyone else? She closed her eyes fiercely, painfully, and tried not to cry. She hated how people saw her. She especially hated how the commander saw her.

Rei dolefully scrubbed shampoo into her hair. She thought for a moment, then dunked her head under the water and watched the soapy bubbles disperse in front of her eyes. I could drown right here, and nothing would be any different, she thought. I would return to nothingness. I would not have to wait for him to abandon me. I would not have to wait for that day.

See? Look deep within yourself.

Do you perceive the almost intangible, invisible presence that lurks in your darkest dreams?

Rei was frightened. She didn't want to lose herself. She wanted to exist. Living in pain was worse than not existing.

It is there that your true identity lies.

Rei felt like she was on the edge of a vast canyon, in the depths of which laid comprehension of the entire universe. Her external body was numb, coldly soaking in the tub, which was millions of miles away. That is where Rei realized something. She was afraid. So horribly afraid. She had reached the edge of the canyon, and it frightened her. What if she stopped existing? What if she never existed at all? These questions were her fear of heights.

*****

Rei brought her head up, out of the water, and sharply breathed in life. She pushed those thoughts from her mind with all her remaining strength.

No, I am me. I became me through the instrumentality of the links and relationships I share with others. I am formed by my interaction with others.

Shinji…

End part5