Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Evan-petroleum-gelion ❯ Chapter 1

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Coon-Ohki * The Original Data Cabbit * ryocoon's

EDITOR'S NOTES: This is the first one-shot story by a

close friend of mine. Some constructive criticism would be

heavily appreciated. There are presently around 8 different

works that all tie together that are getting near first

draft completion. They all feature original characters as

well as original story lines. There are also a number of

crossovers, which get just plain nuts... Check the end for

the email address at where to get in contact with us. And

to cover our asses we don't own the characters from Evan-

gelion. But we do manipulate them for free. Muhaha!

*********************BEGIN DECONSTRUCTION OF REALITY

EVAN-PETROLEUM GEL-ION

-Kame here. Once again doing whatever I please with the

anime universe.

This is a short stint of what really

happened on the faithful day when

Asuka was in the

hospital, coma-toasted like a M.F. whilst little Shinji

Ikari (a.k.a. 'lil bitch') hovers over her limp defenseless

body. I'll

just kick it off from where you saw it.

-Cheers-

"I'm scum." Shinji says looking at his palm. It, along with Asuka's
exposed stomach, was coated with his freshly squeezed man juice. He
stared at it and hung his head in shame of what he'd done. Shinji then
looked at his hand again but this time he noticed more light was in
the room

than before. He then looked at Asuka's still unconscious face and
noticed a man's silhouette.

Quickly he whipped his head around in the direction of the door.
Shinji was shocked to discover that he had been caught. A short bald
black orderly with gold small-framed glasses with a key ring in his
hand was starring at him sternly. Slowly, he cracked a wicked smile.

"Look at you!" He shouted at the still shocked Shinji. The orderly
then turned in the direction of the hallway. "Hey guys, come check
this out!" He stepped into the room and turned on the lights. Shinji
shook with fear. Other orderlies flooded the room in random order. As
each one entered and saw the mess young Ikari had made they each burst
into laughter.

"Hey son." The first orderly said. "You got your baking instructions
wrong, the baby batter goes inside the oven, not on it, dummy." He
said as the other orderlies laughed harder.

"Damn spoodgezilla!" Another orderly said pointing to the amount of
semen on Shinji's hand and Asuka's stomach. "Who do you think you are,
the mayor of money-shot?" The laughter continued as Shinji's head
dipped further in shame.

"Look at the girl, boy!" A Japanese orderly said as he stopped
laughing long enough to walk up to Asuka. He lifted one of her arms
and then dropped it with a thud. "She's not going anywhere! You could
at least get some penetration."

"He probably did." Another added. "In the wrong hole!" The laughter
increased. "Hey sperminator, sperm deposits are made down the hall and
to the right." Snickered the Japanese one.

"Not on her stomach and to her right." Added the first as three
orderlies fell to the floor in laughter. Shinji put both hands on his
head as usual when he feels this small. (No pun intended)

"Oh, God it's in his hair now!" Another orderly says.

"Get him a wet-nap!"

"No, get a comb so we can do his hair up like 'There's Something About
Mary'!" The laughter skyrockets as one of the orderlies on the floor
turns red in the face.

"No there's something about..." The first orderly picks up Shinji's
dropped visitor I. D. tag and reads it. "Shinji!"

They all sing: (Everyone but Shinji and Asuka.) "There's something
about Shinji!"

"STOP IT!" Shinji cries.

"Who you gonna call?" The first one asks.

Everyone but Shinji an Asuka sing: "Nut busters!"

"STOP IT!" Shinji cries again.

The first orderly sings on top of a table and sings:

"There's a girl knocked out (dun, dun)

and she looks good (dun, dun)

who you gonna call? (Nut busters!)"

"STOOOOPPPP IIITTTTT!!" Shinji screams as he runs out the room with
his hands still in his air. Tripping over downed orderlies.

"Hey kid you forgot to fill this up to the line." An orderly says
holding a sample cup. The singing changes to the sound of 'What would
Brian Boytano do' but sounded like:

"What would Shinji Ikari do/

If he were here right now?/

I'd bet he'd blow a load or two/

That's what Shinji Ikari'd do!"

1st Orderly: I've never seen a man blow so many big fat

loads.

1st and Japanese :I've never seen a man blow so many big

fat loads.

1st, Japanese and Cup holder: I've never seen a man blow so

many big fat loads.

Everybody (save Asuka): I'VE NEVER SEEN A MAN BLOW SO MANY

BIG FAT LOADS!

Young Toji was walking with his crutch trying to get the feel of his
new lower appendage. He rounds the corner to a long corridor. He
thinks of how hard rehab will be as soon as it starts. He begins down
the hall until he hears screaming and racing footsteps. Down the other
end comes

Shinji, hands still unclean and in his hair. Toji holds out his hand
that's not on the crutch as Shinji comes screeching towards him. In
almost an instant, Toji spins and nails Shinji in the head with his
crutch flipping him upside down and on his head.

"Yeah bitch," Toji shouted. "First my sister and now my leg. That's
the least you deserve until I get a better alibi. Until then... die
slow!" He said as he spit on the unconscious heap formerly known as
Shinji. He continued down the hallway until he heard singing. It
sounded like:

Orderlies: "Oh-oo-oh, their goes To-ki-yo/

There goes Spoodgezilla/

Spoodgezilla!"

THE END

-KAME 2.1

2001

*********************END DECONSTRUCTION OF REALITY

NAME: KAME (see author's history)

HOOK: Wild foul-mouthed, politically incorrect, techno and

hip-hop (and Bjork for God knows why) listening

destroyer of 'safe'

anime. And innovator of a Good

fighting anime series (or at least fanfic

for now ((sigh))

Otaku level: 4

Likes: Pro wrestling, mecha and fantasy anime with gore,

comedy and a good plot just to make it flow. Fan service is

appreciated. Shakespeare (What I can read!). Real time

strategies of almost any kind are good. Just as long as I

can stomp the crap out of something. And pumping

iron at the closest gym.

Pet Peeves: Pokemon Political correctness, Pokemon,

American censorship (land of the free my ass, though I

Love it), gang-bang Porno or tentacle sex in

hentai, Pokemon, Lain and any anime that makes

my head hurt, and people that don't rewind

their fucking videos at the rental store and so

you see the end of a movie you wanted to see

and it ruins it...(sorry for ranting), Did I

mention Pokemon?

Author's history: Yes for the last fucking time Kame is

Japanese for turtle and No I did not

Jack it from Dragon's balls ZZZZZZZ.

Ever since I was a little kid, they told

Me I look like a Teenage Mutant Ninja

Turtle. It hurt but that's okay. I'll

live. I just won't be happy. This is my

first work posted so please

don't butcher me to bad or I'll find

you and chop off both your legs with

an axe.

Contact: kame2.2@wowmail.com No hate mail please. I

get enough of that from family thank you

very much!

EDITOR: Coon-Ohki (Data Cabbit of Oddities) is blamed for

typos and some of the possible bad grammar... Let him know

how badly he screwed up at ryocoon@sasquatch.com

and give him something worthwhile in his boring little life...