Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Imperfection ❯ Chapter Seven ( Chapter 7 )

Imperfection

Disclaimer: I don't own NGE and, at the rate I'm updating this fic, I don't deserve to either.

A/N: isn't this about time? Hehe, yeah, I'm really sorry about the late update of this fic and all. I want to make up excuses, but I don't think that's fair to all you readers out there. I'm lazy, and that's the only thing I have to say for myself right now. Sorry again and hope you enjoy.

---- Chapter Seven ----

"It's been a long time, Shinji."

"K-Kaoru . . .?"

Shinji felt numb as he stared at his former best friend. Former, because he had killed this best friend. Killed, meaning he was supposed to be dead, not sitting on Rei's windowsill, smiling at him. The present Asuka had prepared for him to give to Rei slipped out of his fingers and onto the floor.

"Ikari . . . Shinji . . ." Rei murmured softly. Shinji cut her off.

"H-How did this happen . . .?" he asked. "Why . . . you're dead, Kaoru. You're dead . . . dead people aren't supposed to be here . . ."

"I am not human Shinji, remember?" Kaoru said. "I am the 17th Angel, Tabris, who is still very much alive and well."

"No, this isn't happening . . . THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!" Shinji yelled, voice cracking as he wailed in a high-pitched tone. "YOU'RE DEAD! YOU'RE DEAD!"

Kaoru closed his eyes, the smile fading only a little. He stood up and left his place on the windowsill, walking over to the cowering and wailing teen. Shinji backed away, hands over his head, covering his face. Sweat poured off him in small rivers, cascading down his face and dripping onto his clothes.

"I am alive, Shinji."

The Angel held out a hand to him, coaxing him to touch it.

"No - no! I SAW YOU DIE! I SAW YOUR BODY! YOU'RE DEAD!"

"Ikari," Rei tried again. Shinji turned his stricken eyes to her. "The 17th Angel is still alive and standing before you. The one you killed was an imposter, sent in by Commander Ikari to take his place. You never killed the 17th."

"But why would - would my father do something like that?"

Rei hesitated, though she watched Shinji impassively. She could not explain to him what the commander thought, because even she didn't know why he had created a decoy of Tabris. The part inside her that helped her feel emotions was currently overflowing her system with pain, guilt and slight confusion. Her crimson eyes wandered over to Kaoru for answers.

The Angel did not turn to look at her, but kept his blood-coloured eyes focused entirely on Shinji. The teen was on the verge of hysteria, sweat now mixed with tears as he backed into the door he had shut upon his entrance. Somehow deducing that he had no way out, Shinji slid down the wood of the door, collapsing in a crumpled heap on the floor.

"The commander could not afford to initiate the Third Impact," Kaoru explained calmly. He held Shinji's eyes. "It was delayed. But if I were destroyed, then the Third Impact would be initiated. At that point in time, as I approached Central Dogma, Rei was sent after me and I switched places with the decoy. You did not notice, as you were preoccupied with fighting Unit 02. When you came, you took the decoy as me and killed him instead."

"But - but . . . why did you keep it from me?"

"No one was supposed to know," Rei explained. "I was supposed to take care of him and no one would ever know he was still alive. In the meantime, he would work for NERV and help Doctor Akagi with the systems."

"So you knew?" Shinji said brokenly. "You knew and you didn't tell me?"

"I - Shinji . . ."

"DON'T TALK TO ME!" Shinji screamed, glaring at her wildly. "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR EXCUSES! YOU ALL LIED TO ME! YOU KNEW HE WAS STILL ALIVE REI AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!"

He took a deep breath, pausing in his ranting. Kaoru and Rei looked decidedly guilty, though it was hard to tell with their usual impassiveness. Shinji reached out to grab the red packaged gift from where it had fallen near his feet. He scrambled to his feet, wrenching the door open, and ran outside, slamming the door shut behind him.

--------

They all lied to me . . . they all used me.

Shinji ran down the street, heedless of all the traffic and the people surrounding him. His normally soft blue eyes were tear-filled and growing colder and harder by the minute. Pain and a sense of betrayal filled him as he recalled how Rei and - and Kaoru, of all people, lied to him.

How could they do this to me?

/ They want to hurt you, like your father /

No! Rei isn't like that! And neither is Kaoru!

He continued to run blindly along, one hand clutching the present he had intended to give to Rei. There was no use for it now. He would give it to Asuka instead. There wasn't any way he would trust them - ever.

Finally, his tired legs slowed to a stop. He looked up and his eyes grew sad again. In front of him was the place where he had first met Kaoru. This was where he had stood, after a deadly fight with his best friend, contemplating life and his duty as an Eva pilot. He turned and saw the same place where Kaoru had sat, humming to himself, seemingly content to just watch the water in the sunlight. What was the song he hummed? Oh yes, `Ode to Joy'.

How could you not tell me you were alive, Kaoru? I thought I was your best friend. How could you and Rei do this to me?

// I love you Shinji //

Was it all a lie, Kaoru? Did you not love me at all? I don't understand.

/ They want to see you break and die /

No . . . no . . . Kaoru and Rei aren't like that! They must have wanted to help me! But - but why didn't they tell me? Don't they trust me? Am I that pathetic?

He yelled hoarsely at the voices fighting in his mind. Which could he trust? Dropping the present unintentionally, he clutched at his head, willing the voices to be silent. His head was starting to throb painfully and he could do nothing to stop it. The whole world was against him and he was helpless.

"NO! I'M NOT HELPLESS!"

/ Yes you are. No one loves you in this world. Not your father, or Kaoru or even Misato. You're alone and helpless. No one's going to see you as anything but a tool /

"A tool . . .? Is that all I am?" Shinji breathed through his tears. "I'm . . . a helpless, worthless tool . . .? WHY? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE TOOL? I'M A PERSON - A HUMAN BEING! I HAVE FEELINGS TOO! I DON'T WANT TO BE A TOOL!"

He collapsed in a heap, sobbing brokenly. After a while, he managed to curl himself into a tight ball, knees tucked into his chest and head buried inside. He rocked back and forth, muttering, whispering and sobbing to himself.

"I'm not a tool . . . I'm not a tool . . ."

"Shinji?"

--------

If someone told Asuka that she would see Shinji on her walk by the river, she would have laughed and told him or her that Shinji was very happy on his date with the First Child. So she walked along, unaffected by the sudden depression that had filled the air. Not knowing what was wrong, she continued to walk.

"I'm not a tool . . . I'm not a tool . . ."

She stopped and stared at the person she was just about to pass. It was Shinji, in a heap on the ground, whispering and muttering to himself like a delusional madman. By his side was the present she had given to him to give to the First Child, untouched and still securely wrapped. Instantly, her woman's intuition told her that something was very wrong.

"Shinji?"

When he didn't answer, she nudged him with her foot.

"Shinji Ikari, are you going to sit there feeling sorry for yourself?" she asked.

"Asuka . . .?"

Shinji finally turned his eyes up to look at her. She was surprised to see them all red and blotchy, showing that he had been crying for a while. His hair was tousled by the number of times he had raked through them with his fingers. She sighed at his pathetic state, looming over him.

"What went wrong this time, Ikari?" she snapped.

"K-Kaoru . . . he's still alive," Shinji hiccupped. "They l-lied to me Asuka! They k-kept it from m-me! They used me like I was - like I was a tool!"

"You are a tool," she snarled. "You are the most pathetic excuse for a human being I've ever seen, Ikari. I can't believe NERV is leaving the fate of the world in your hands, when I have proved to be better than you in everything. You let yourself be used by others and then look around asking why!"

"Not you too, Asuka . . . I - you're turning against me too?"

"Get this straight, Ikari: I was never on your side. You will always be my rival." Here, she glared at him. "That's all you're good for, anyway. So if you don't pick yourself up off your sorry ass and take this like a man, then you're definitely not good for anything!"

She stomped off, fuming at his uselessness. Why did he always have to run to others with his problems? It wasn't like she had nothing better to do than to play nice counsellor for the disturbed teen. She scowled. He should learn to face his own problems, like she had.

"You're - right . . . Asuka." Shinji's voice broke through her angry thoughts. "I should stand up and take it . . . like a man."

He raised himself off the ground as she turned and faced him. He wiped the last traces of his tears away violently with the back of his hand, glaring at the shimmering water. She watched him contemptuously, folding her arms over her chest and regarding him with distaste.

"I'll show them I'm not a tool. And then I'll kill them!" he shouted. "I'll kill them all! I'm not pathetic and I'm not worthless!"

"Do what you want then."

She turned to go, chest feeling lighter than before.

"And Asuka . . .?"

"Yes?"

" . . . Thank you."

---- End Chapter Seven ----

A/N: FINISHED CHAPTER SEVEN!

I don't know if I'm going out of character now. I haven't watched NGE for ages . . . and that's saying a lot. Perhaps a year or so. I don't know, but it certainly feels like ages since I've watched it. Ugh, I have to get back into this fic so I can finish it!

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