Evangelion Fanfiction

By Otaku D-Man

Standard Disclaimer.

Refer Chapter the First

Author's Pre-Rant -

This chapter is essentially the dream world Adam forces upon Shinji as his conscious mind retreats from the world. The real story will continue again next chapter.

Insight and Understanding

Chapter the Thirteenth - Not The World He Wanted

Death Dream of a Pilot

<<Come my Beloved, rest yourself. Nothing can hurt you here. Sleep in my embrace. Sleep and dream>>

Shinji buried his head into her chest. The darkness gathered and enclosed them both. His mind fell into an ageless slumber. The only sound, the soothing voice of a woman who loved him. A woman who was the darkness of his own soul.

Shinji drifted between delirium and dream as he lay there. He relived every moment of tragedy and torment his life had seen. He cried as his mother vanished into Unit 01. He continued to cry through the rest of his life. Tears that never stopped.

<<You can be stronger than this, beloved.>> Shinji found himself staring up a the temptress of his dark future. <<You should be stronger than this. You are stronger than this>> She lay down beside him and ran her index finger along his chest.

<I don't want to become a man like my father> Shinji tried to slap her hand away but didn't have the strength.

<<You won't be like that pathetic shell. You won't have his weaknesses. You will be unfettered and unrestrained by your desires. You will surpass him in all things.>>

<You mean I won't be even remotely human.>

<<You'll be so much more>> She leant over his body and began kissing and nibbling at his neck. As much as Shinji tried to resist it, he found her scent tantalising.

<<As a sign of my good intentions let me do something for you>> She held his face in both hands and kissed him deeply. Her tongue darted into his mouth, gently flicking against his. Her eyes bored deep into his. He began to lose himself in their depths.

<No. Stop. Please.> As much as he tried to force her away, he felt his strength draining.

<<The man you will become would never beg or plead. You command. You take.>>.

Shinji slowly felt himself fall away. The pinholes of light he once used as eyes receded into the distance as he continued his descent into the darkness.

<<Dream my Messiah. Dream and let your flesh be my instrument of oblivion.>>

***

Life As It Never Was - Ikari Household

"Wake up Baka-Shinji, we're going to be late" Shinji woke to find his so-called oldest and dearest friend yelling at him as he lay in bed.

"Oh, it's just you Asuka. I could really use a few more minutes …" He pulled the covers over himself and tried to fall asleep again.

Asuka grabbed the bedspread and yanked it from him. "Get up now Baka or ….." Asuka stopped and stared at his lower torso, her cheeks slowly reddening. "What are doing with one of those you hentai?" Asuka pointed at the offending site before her.

"I can't help it. It's morning …"

The argument deteriorated within seconds. Asuka calling him a pervert while Shinji tried to cover himself and make his way to the bathroom.

"Asuka's such a nice girl. She always comes over every morning to get Shinji out of bed and ready for school"

…..Mother?......Mother is inside Unit 01…..

Yui Ikari was busy preparing her sons and husbands lunches for the day. Gendou sat at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. He could only grunt in apparent confirmation. Meanwhile the argument had ended abruptly with the sound of a hand striking flesh.

Shinji stared in the mirror as he brushed his teeth, his right cheek sporting the imprint of Asuka's hand. Shinji sighed as Asuka complained for him to hurry up.

"We'll see you later, bye Mother" Asuka called out cheerfully as she shoved Shinji out the door.

"She's not your Mother. I wish you wouldn't say that each and every morning." Shinji began running to keep up with his companion's graceful pace.

"What does a Baka-hentai like you know? Anyway, have you heard about the new transfer student starting today?"

"Yeah, it's a girl." Shinji looked up at the sky. "I hope she's cute" Asuka's narrowed eyes shot rays of death at the boy beside her.

As they continued their race to school, a blue haired girl barrelled out of side street, straight into Shinji. Both went down in a screaming heap, rubbing their heads as they sat on the pavement. The girl looked up to find the boy staring wide-eyed at her. Realising her skirt was resting high on her thighs she blushed furiously and pulled it back down her knees. Remembering she was going to be late on her first day at her new school, she leaped to her feet and continued her race to school. Turning back, she waved at the boy still kneeling on the pavement. <He's cute>

"Come on Baka, we're going to be really late now. I don't want to hear any more rumours from your idiot stooge friends." Asuka hoisted Shinji to his feet and took off at a dead sprint, Shinji dragged along in Asuka's slipstream. He glanced down at the hand she was still holding. <Feels kind of nice>

***

Tokyo-3 MunicipalHigh School

"Just a little bit" Shinji held his thumb and index finger close together.

"Aarghh! I can't believe you get all the luck" Touji slapped his forehead with his palm. "So what colour were they?"

"What are you three stooges talking about?" Touji turned to see the class representative standing behind him.

"Nothing. Just guy stuff. You wouldn't understand" Touji crossed his arms defiantly.

"I understand plenty!" Hikari grabbed his ear and dragged him out of his seat. "Go and change the water in the flower vase and clean the blackboard" Touji was unceremoniously lead away, protesting in utter futility.

"Jeez. Touji's such a wimp. He's almost like a henpecked husband" Shinji laughed in unison with the other boy next to him.

"Look who's talking" Asuka grinned with narrowed eyes.

"What do you mean? I'm nothing like that. I stand up ….." Shinji and Asuka began arguing.

"Ahh! Another peaceful day" Kensuke leaned back in his chair.

The sound of screeching tyres brought the entire classroom to a dead stop. Within a heartbeat, Shinji, Touji and Kensuke were at the windows to welcome their homeroom teacher.

A blue Alpine sedan slid 180 degrees to come to a halt resting perfectly in a car parking space. Out stepped the most attractive woman the boys knew of. Kensuke began filming with his digital camera while Touji and Shinji waved and called out to their Teacher.

Misato smiled and waved back, causing the boys to swoon with delight.

…..Misato-san…..Misato-san isn't my Sensei…..

"Mature women are just the coolest." Touji sighed.

"I think her skirt shorter than yesterdays" Shinji drooled.

"Baka's!" Both Hikari and Asuka said.

"Okay class, listen up. We've got a new student starting today and she's a real babe" Misato stepped aside to reveal the blue haired girl Shinji and Asuka had met on the way to school.

"Hi everyone, I'm Rei Ayanami. Pleased to meet you." Rei smiled.

…..Rei isn't so open…...

Shinji pointed at Rei. Rei pointed at Shinji. "You!" both said in unison.

"You're the boy who was staring at my panties!" Rei's voice went up two octaves.

"Hang on. You're the one who flashed them at him." Asuka leapt to her feet.

"Who are you and why are you defending him. Are you two doing it?" Asuka steeped back.

"No, where just old friends." Everyone began snickering at this statement. Asuka and Shinji were commonly referred to as 'The Married Couple'.

…..Asuka has never referred to me as her friend…..

"Everyone, class is session. Show some respect." Hikari was on her feet trying to maintain the social order.

"Nah. Let it go. This is much more interesting than what I had planned." Misato was leaning back in her chair with her high-heeled feet resting on the desk. All the boys in the class didn't seem to mind one bit.

After the recriminations, accusations and general blood, sweat and tears, order was finally restored.

"Rei, since you seem to be on friendly terms with Shinji, why don't you take the vacant seat beside him." Misato smiled.

"What!?" Both Asuka and Rei screamed in unison. This caused both girls to glare openly at each other. Shinji just buried his head under his arms as he rested it on the desk.

As class finally began, Shinji glanced over at his new neighbour. "Uhm. Listen. I-I just want to apologise for this morning. I- didn't mean to stare at …. I mean it was an accident that I saw …. Uhm I-I …" Shinji blushed with embarrassment as he tried to find the right words.

Rei glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. <He's cute when he blushes like that.> "Look it was an accident okay. Let's forget that it happened." Rei smiled. Shinji straightened up a little. "Just don't try to sneak a peek at my panties again okay" Shinji began blushing again and tried to look anywhere but at Rei. <He really is cute>

Asuka watched on in feigned indifference to the exchange between Shinji and the new girl. Hikari noticed however, that the pencil Asuka was holding had snapped in two. Hikari sighed and looked up at the classroom ceiling.

"Shinji, do you want to have lunch together?" Rei was standing next to his desk holding her bento lunchbox.

Shinji's jaw dropped open as he considered the implications of her statement. He carefully glanced at Asuka who was preparing to eat her lunch with Hikari. He turned back to face Rei. "Sure. Would you prefer to eat it on the roof or in the class?"

"The roof sounds nice" Rei fidgeted slightly.

"Let's go" Shinji led the way out of the class with the slightly blushing Rei following close behind.

Their departure was not unnoticed by a certain redhead. Asuka's eyebrow began to twitch. <What does that Baka think he's doing?>

"Asuka, your chopsticks are broken" Asuka glanced down to find Hikari was right.

<How did that happen?>

Rei and Shinji were sitting down laughing about something when Asuka dragged Hikari by the arm out onto the roof.

"Asuka, you're hurting me." Asuka let go of her best friend's wrist and sat down in the shade of the building.

"You're right Hikari. Eating lunch on the roof is much more enjoyable." Asuka declared loudly.

Hikari smiled nervously. "I-I suppose it was a good idea?"

Asuka began eating with gusto as she glared openly at Shinji and Rei, eating not five metres away from where she sat.

Shinji felt a cold shiver run down his spine. A cold sweat appeared on his brow.

Rei looked over his shoulder at Hikari and Asuka. "Hey, Shinji. Isn't that redhead a friend of yours?"

"Uhh. Yeah. Sort of." Shinji smiled extremely nervously.

"Well, let's go join them. You can introduce me." Rei grabbed his wrist and dragged him over to the other two girls.

Asuka watched as the girl took Shinji's hand and began walking towards her and Hikari.

"Hi. Shinji and I decided to join you. If you don't mind. Being new and all I don't really know anyone. Except Shinji here." Rei held up her hand to point at Shinji only to realise she was still holding onto him. She quickly released his hand, blushing as she did so.

"Sure, we don't mind. Do we Asuka?" Hikari said. Hikari turned to look at her friend when she didn't reply. Asuka was still glaring at Shinji. The chopsticks Hikari had loaned her were broken.

Rei and Shinji sat down to start eating and began talking about things to do after school and various other fun things to do when not at school. All through the lunch period, Shinji felt Asuka's eyes burning holes through him. He was sure if he looked down, he'd find a smoking hole right through his chest.

"Say Hikari, What's the deal with Shinji and Asuka? Are they, like a couple or something?" Rei walked back to class with the class rep while Shinji tried to keep a safe distance between himself and Asuka. He felt a strange need to be well outside her reach for some reason. Maybe the fact that her teeth were grinding and her fists were clenched tight was the reason.

"No. As far as I know, they're just good friends. They grew up next door to each other and have gone to the same schools since preschool."

…..I never had any childhood friends…..

Hikari had suspicions that told her otherwise but it wasn't really her business. She felt Asuka and Shinji would someday see what was staring them right in the face.

"Really, that's good." Rei smiled as she skipped ahead to catch up with Shinji.

Shinji felt the black cloud of death hovering over him for the rest of the afternoon classes. Whenever he snuck a glance at Rei, she was watching him, smiling. He had looked back over his shoulder at Asuka once and decided that once was more than enough. He knew that look. It was the same look that he was sure would one day land him in hospital. Or even worse.

The day ended and although all of his classmates were ecstatic, he felt the despair rising. He sat at his desk, waiting, hoping Asuka would head home without him just this once.

"Hey Baka, you going home or not." Shinji flinched as Asuka's shadow fell over him.

"S-sure Asuka. Just thinking about stuff." Shinji slowly got to his feet. <At least Rei's already gone.>

He tried not to look at Asuka too much as they made their way to the school gate.

"So Shinji, what do you make of the new girl?" Asuka asked.

"Rei? Well I don't really …" Shinji wasn't able to finish his thought as Rei called out to him from the school gate.

"Shinji!" Rei came running over to him and Asuka. "You guys heading home?" Rei took up a position on the opposite side of Shinji to Asuka.

"We walk home together everyday." Asuka said bluntly.

"Oh? Why's that?" Rei questioned Shinji.

"Well, I suppose because we've lived next door to each other since forever." Shinji said. He suddenly felt another premonition of doom.

"Oh, so you guys grew up together." Rei smiled but Shinji was certain that it wasn't directed at him for some reason.

"So Rei, where do you live?" Shinji was interested.

"Well I'll show you. You can walk me home if you like." Rei grabbed his arm and began leading him in the general direction he and Asuka walked home everyday.

"What do you think you're doing?" Asuka grabbed Shinji's other arm and brought them to a dead stop.

Shinji suddenly felt that this was the culmination of his premonition. He was going to be torn in two. <Well at least I won't have to do all that homework>

"Shinji said he was going to walk me home. I don't really see how that's any business of yours" Rei stood her ground.

"I never heard him say anything of the sort." Asuka was surprised that Rei didn't back down.

"Asuka. Rei seems to live in the same direction as us, so it couldn't hurt to see her home. Remember that she's new to the area." Shinji waited for the explosion.

Asuka could only stare. Shinji had never gone against her before. Never. "Do whatever you like. It's not like I care one way or the other." Asuka threw Shinji's arm back at him and stormed off.

"Asuka, come on, I'm sorr …." Shinji tried to catch his friend but found Rei still firmly attached to his other arm.

"Well, you might as well walk me home now." Rei smiled and half dragged Shinji along.

Shinji tried to reconcile his feelings. He wanted to clear the misunderstanding up with Asuka. She could hold a grudge like no one else he knew. But he couldn't seem to find the resolve to shake free of Rei.

"So Shinji. Are you an Asuka an item?" The question caused Shinji to stumble.

"W-what? No Asuka would never go out with me. She keeps telling me that all the time."

…..Sounds familiar enough…..

Shinji thought back over the numerous times Asuka had declared her opinion about him.

"Really! So you don't have anyone special at the moment. No girlfriend at all?" Shinji noticed Rei was tightening her grip on his arm.

"No. None of the other girls seem that interested. I've asked a couple of them out but they always have other things to do. Guess a guy like me's not that popular." Shinji tried not to sound too upset by his continual failure to get a girlfriend. Asuka always made fun of him whenever he was 'Shot down in flames' as Asuka would say.

"Oh, I don't know about that. Give it some time. You may be surprised one day." Rei smiled at him.

***

Ayanami Household

"Well, here we are. This is where I live." Rei stopped outside an attractive two-storey house. "Wanna come in for a while." Rei didn't wait for his answer as she dragged him in.

Shinji suddenly found himself inside Rei's house.

"Mom, I'm home" Rei called out as she took her shoes off.

"Welcome home dear. How was your day?" Shinji was stunned speechless as an attractive woman stuck her head around the corner of a doorway.

"Great. Mom. This is Shinji. He was nice enough to walk me home. Is it okay if he stays for a drink?" Rei hugged her mother. Shinji noticed that Rei's mother's hair was an almost silver hue, strange when compared to the shade of blue of her daughters.

The woman eyed Shinji speculatively, sizing the potential threat he was to her daughter. "Sure honey. Shinji, welcome to our humble abode." The woman smiled. "I'm Reis mother, Lillith Ayanami."

"Uhh, Shinji Ikari. Nice to meet you ma'am." Shinji slowly took his shoes off.

"Ikari. Ikari. Wait a minute. Are you by any chance related to a Yui Ikari?" Lillith looked at Shinji.

"Yeah. She's my mom." Shinji scratched his head in slight embarrassment as he stepped over the threshold.

"Well how is that for a coincidence. I grew up next door to your mother. Yui and I went through school together." The woman walked over and hugged Shinji closely. "Tell me how your mother is."

"Mom's fine. She's a Lab Assistant at the University where my Dad works." Shinji felt awfully uncomfortable in the woman's embrace.

"Mom, don't hug him like that. It's indecent!" Rei pried her mother from Shinji.

"Oh don't fuss like an old woman. Shinji's mother and I go way back. " Lillith seemed to think about something for a moment and smiled to herself. "Shinji, how would you like to stay for dinner? I'd love to hear more about what you and what Yui have been doing. Rei, why don't you go freshen up before your father comes home? Shinji, just make yourself at home. I'll get you a drink and something to eat."

"Uhm, Mrs Ayanami? Can I use your phone to ask my mom whether it's okay for me to stay for dinner?"

"Of course dear. I should have thought of that myself. When your done, I'd like to talk to Yui myself if that's okay"

Shinji discovered his mother was overjoyed to find her old friend had moved to Tokyo 3. Shinji left the two women to talk while he went out into the living room to watch TV. He was watching the soap opera that was on when he had sat down, not out of any real interest, he didn't feel comfortable changing the channel.

"I didn't know our mom's were such good friends." Shinji turned to find Rei standing behind him, wearing a pair of cut off jeans and an old t-shirt.

"Yeah. It caught me out of the blue." Shinji shifted a little as she sat next to him on the couch.

"But it'll make things so much easier. Much more convenient. "Rei said more to herself.

"What do you mean?" Shinji asked.

"Nothing. Don't worry about it." Rei laughed as she playfully slapped his arm.

Shinji slowly made his way home. It was extremely late. The only people he encountered were drunken salary men and young women who were only interested in him if he could afford their time.

<Hope mom and dad are asleep. I really shouldn't be out this late on a school night.> He thought back to how Rei's mother had clung to him. <Jeez, she wanted my whole life story. Still her dad seemed pretty cool.>

***

Ikari Household

Shinji carefully made his way into his house. All the lights were off so he tried his best to tiptoe upstairs to his room. Inside his room, he took off his shirt and flicked the light on.

"You're home late" Shinji jumped as he spun around to find Asuka sitting on his bed, hugging her knees to her chest.

"Asuka, what are you doing here. Do you know what time it is?" Shinji stared at the young girl. He watched her expression change. "Asuka? Are you okay? You're not sick or anything are you?" Shinji rested one palm against her forehead and the other against his own.

"No, I'm not sick Baka." Asuka slapped his hand away.

"What's going on?" He sat down next to her on the bed.

"You spent the whole time at her place, didn't you?" Asuka rested her jaw on her knees.

Well, yeah, I …." Shinji went on to explain how Rei's mom and his were friends from way back and how he had ended up staying for dinner and having to explain his whole life up to the point of meeting Lillith.

"So you'll probably walk home with her from now on?"

"Well it's on our way home Asuka. We could easily do it."

"We?"

"Of course. We're all friends. Why not?"

…Because we're not all friends…..

Asuka looked at Shinji as he leaned back against the room wall. "Shinji? Do you hate me?"

Shinji stopped and stared at Asuka in complete surprise. "Asuka? Of course not. You're my best friend. What is it you say, yeah, 'I'm your oldest and dearest friend'." Shinji chuckled to him self.

Asuka stood up. "Do you think I'm pretty?" Asuka held her hands behind her back as she looked at the floor.

Shinji was stunned. "Asuka, you keep telling me you're the prettiest …"

"I'm not asking what I always tell you. What do you think?" Asuka kept her head lowered but raised her eyes at him.

"How could you ask that? Your one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. I sometimes wonder why you even hang around with me." Shinji suddenly found Asuka's face right in front of his as she kneeled across the bed.

"Good" Asuka looked deep into his eyes and kissed him.

"I'll see you tomorrow Baka. You better get some sleep" Asuka climbed out the window into the night.

Shinji touched his lips with his fingers. He was sure he was in a dream. <Did Asuka really …>

***

Shinji was woken by the sound of familiar voices. He sat up in bed and blinked to find Asuka and Rei pointing at each other and arguing. "Morning Asuka, Morning Rei"

"What is she doing here?" Shinji stared at both girls as they asked the question together. Shinji sighed as they returned to arguing. He got out of bed and began to head off to the bathroom. Both girls screamed and slapped him before they ran from the room. Shinji wondered what had upset them when he looked down to see his boxer shorts sticking out in front of him. <I can't help that.>

Shinji finally made his way downstairs to find both Rei and Asuka sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast talking with his mother. "Good morning dear. You're going to be late again if you don't hurry up. What would you do if these girls didn't come to help you every morning?"

Shinji rubbed his still aching face. "Probably wouldn't need painkillers every morning at least."

"What was that?" Asuka and Rei said in stereo as they finished their juice.

"Nothing. Nothing at all" Shinji hurriedly wolfed his food down as both Rei and Asuka grabbed an arm and began dragging him from the house.

"Have a nice day" Yui called out to the children as the left.

Shinji felt like a rag doll as both girls dragged him along at full speed. He watched on as both girls tightened their grip on him as they glared at each other from the side of their eyes. <What the hell is going on here?>

***

Tokyo-3 MunicipalHigh School

"So Shinji, I saw you come to school with the red devil and the new girl. You doing both of them?" Touji laughed until three school satchels crashed into his face. He promptly fell to the floor.

Rei, Asuka and Hikari retrieved their satchels and glared death at both Kensuke and Shinji. Both boys cringed in fear and begged forgiveness for any and all wrong doings they had ever and would ever commit.

Things didn't really improve for Shinji as the morning progressed. During gym class, he stood with Touji and Kensuke on the sideline of the soccer field, waiting for the next boy to come off injured so they could get out there and prove their manhood by trying to maim their opponents.

As they generally did, they spent a great deal of time watching the girls in their bloomers and shirts practicing athletics. Most of the girls put up with the leers and wolf whistles from the boys, mainly due to the fact it made them feel good about themselves. Rei noticed Shinji noticing her and made a display of waving and calling to him. This of course caused Touji and Kensuke to badger him remorselessly about what he was going to do with the 'hot babe'. Shinji was about to rebuff their remarks once again when he noticed Asuka zeroing in on Rei like a storm cloud.

"Are you finished flirting with the Baka?" Asuka stated in a cold voice.

"What are you talking about? I'm just waving to him. Anyway, I don't see how it's any of your business who I talk to or flirt with." Rei continued to wave to Shinji, giggling when his friends used him like a puppet to wave back to her.

"Stupid stooges." Asuka muttered. "He's my oldest and dearest friend. It is my business."

"You're not dating him, so why should you care. He said none of the 'other' girls were that interested in him, so I thought I might ask him out. Our mothers were childhood friends after all" Rei smiled sweetly at Asuka.

"I don't care who he dates. I have absolutely no interest in little boys like him. None whatsoever." Asuka stormed off.

Shinji found himself eating lunch with Rei on the roof again, although this time there was no sign of Asuka or Hikari.

"It's not enough you keep Asuka to yourself, you've now taken the new girl as well, Ikari." Shinji looked slowly. He knew that voice.

…..No…..No…..It can't be…..

"Kaworu, what do you want." Shinji muttered.

…..Kaworu-kun's dead.....I KILLED HIM…...

"Not you, that's for sure. But I will take this one off your hands. How 'bout it? Leave the spineless wimp and join a real man for lunch." Kaworu reached down to grab Rei's hand.

"Not in this lifetime, loser." Rei slapped his hand away.

"Stuck up bitch. You're just a stupid whore like all the rest." Kaworu lashed out with a boot to kick Rei's bento lunch box into the fence. " Kaworu began to ready another kick as Rei screamed covering her head.

Shinji felt his blood screaming inside his veins. His vision blurred, as everything seemed to slow down. He watched on in disinterest as his fists began connecting in rapid succession into Kaworu's face. He held the boy up off the ground by his throat. He felt his lips curl back and his teeth gnash as he snarled.

***

Time froze and the world became a dull, grey, flat picture. Lacking both form and substance. Shinji stepped back from where he had been holding Kaworu, releasing him to observe his surroundings. The boy still floated aloft, suspended in the air, not that that was entirely unusual for Kaworu Shinji thought.

"This isn't what I want. It would be nice to have parents that were there everyday for me. Friends that I could pal around with. Live a normal life. A life without EVA, without Angels. Without pain." Shinji glanced around him, sighing at what could have been. "But I have a family waiting for me." Images of Misato, Rei and Asuka flashed across the landscape. "Friends that let me be just another normal teenager." Images of Touji, Kensuke and Hikari joined the others. "As nice as this world is and as much as I would like to stay, it's not where I belong." He slowly began walking away, the scenery slowly fading away. "Besides, I can hear them calling me. They're in pain and I can help them."

Closing his eyes, Shinji quickly searched through the memories of a life that he had never lived. A life he had been denied. "Goodbye." He whispered and vanished, leaving behind a false happiness that while it offered him everything he once had wished for. It wasn't what he truly wanted.

***

End Chapter the Thirteenth

Tbc

Authors Post-Rant -

Next chapter is everything that happened while Shinji lived out his fantasy world.

Ja Ne