Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ New Perspective Evangelion ❯ Event Horizons ( Chapter 4 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

New Perspective Evangelion

I don't own NGE, somebody else does
Stuff might be mentioned that's copyright
I don't own it either
It's just a bit of fun anyway.

I…I

They locked the three of us in a small presentation room, myself, Asuka and Misato. The room itself was barely big enough to fit Misato's Alpine inside, and most of what space there was, was taken up by a fibreboard conference table, covered in cheap veneer. I sat myself between Misato and Asuka, not really deliberately so. It didn't matter anyway, all the chairs where the same folding black-plastic bum-numbers.

I sat there, boiling in a cauldron of shame and self consciousness. While Captain Katsuragi was stunning her full dress uniform, an elegant combination of navy and wine with silver trim, along with a slightly too small forage cap, Asuka and I had been stuck into general fatigues... the same tan uniform the bridge bunnies enjoyed.

The blouse was fine. Light and airy, even if the fibres were a little coarse and some of the stitching on the red shoulder pads tickled with loose threads. The belt clasped firmly around the waist and the red beret with was neat, even if my hair had to be tied back to meet regulations nobody else seemed to bother with. The flat shoes, I could live with despite them trying to slip off my feet constantly. Even the opaque white tights I found disturbingly comfortable.

I hated the miniskirt.

“Now then, this is a proper military occasion,” Misato continued with her last minute briefing. “Remember your actual ranks, Lieutenants. Remember to stand and salute, and remember to use proper title to superior officers. You're in the military now.”

Misato grinned, and Asuka clearly loved it. Misato was to be Captain Katsuragi, Asuka to be Lieutenant Sorhyu, and I was only Second Lieutenant Nagato. We were `officers' because we were pilots. Asuka had a pair of golden-plastic fig leaves on each of her shoulder straps, I had one. We even had our own sidearms, to keep the military theme going. The Five-seveN in the holster on my hip still weighed heavy despite being unloaded. NERV was determined to show the world it was a genuine military force.

The gun felt like a plastic toy, not a real weapon.

The base' air conditioning parched the air, leaving our mouth's like deserts. There was supposed to be a catering service with water, tea, coffee and sandwiches, but that wouldn't arrive until after our guests.

“Also, try to remember the proper names and titles of our visitors from the US Air Force, who own the Nevada test facility, and our test staff,” our commanding officer carried on, “Brigadier General Johnston, Major Arizona and Lieutenant Roberts, and of course our own Doctor Langley and Captain Shikinami,”

Asuka twitched and fidgeted in her chair for a second, while I considered an old fanfiction I'd just been reminded of by one of the officers' names. And here I was living it....

I fiddled with the bracelet on my arm for a few minutes, thinking about the previous night with Misato. I thought about what she'd said for a brief moment, and the box waiting for me at home. After the test, she was going to drag me kicking and screaming through the contents of that box, for better or worse for my sanity.

There was more to my guardian than beer, boobs and the occasional tease.... she was so much smarter than anyone would dare give her credit for, her warming big-sister aura hiding a mind that seemed wisened beyond her years. She was right about one thing that made me feel better, maybe there were other things….

My thoughts starting rolling towards a rather unsettling conclusion, and I jumped track's abruptly.

“No name for 5th Child?” I questioned.

“It's a surprise,” Misato grinned back at us. “I want to let him introduce himself,”

“Fine, be like that.” I snarled, pouting.

She stuck her tongue out at me.

And sometimes, Misato could almost be a teenage girl...

I sighed, leaning back on my chair, shoddy plastic creaking under my weight. I wanted to see this Pilot and get it over with, then having some fun getting my ass handed to me by Asuka in Unit 02, and blowing simulated kaiju up with simulated weapons for twelve hours. That would be fun. Not sitting here bored to death by latecomers, but actually blowing stuff up...

Stuff blowing up was always fun. It appealed to the baser instincts within.

The briefing papers were dry... a new railgun that took its power from the EVA's batteries seeming the only interesting thing. There a lot of stuff about how the proposed Unit 04 was supposed to work in tandem with Unit 03, something about trying to replicate the successes of the 7th Angel and some sort of ballistic missile system.

So somebody had decided it would be a good idea to have me work closely together with the new male pilot, who'd been described as bishounen by at least three different people. Were people purposely trying to confuse me even more? I was already a bit whimsical in the brainpan, and I got the feeling that people were looking at me as the least stable of the four pilots…and the least competent. The sword of Damocles was hanging over my fledgling career and my own self identity was under siege thanks to my body.

Never underestimate the ability of this world to screw with your head, I told myself, and never underestimate its ability to let you do most of its work for you.

Doctor Akagi breezed in through the door.... the same way she always seemed to... she was always in a hurry, rushing from place to place as if someone was chasing her with a gun.

“They will be coming shortly, the briefing with the Commander ran long,” stated the Doctor brusquely, “Now remember, we have to make a good impression on these people... the Commander is trying to secure the release of Unit 04. General Johnston has the ear of the US government; they will likely follow his final recommendation. Five Evangelions will make our lives so much easier.”

“Five Eva's... a person could take over the world with that sort of power,” Joked Misato...”Mister Bond,”

Her impression of Blofeld however, was sorely lacking. The Cheshire cat grin killed it. I appreciated the delicious irony in her words. Especially compared to the last time I'd heard them in animation.

“That's exactly what's bothering the Americans, Misato.” chided Ritsuko, “They're afraid we will use EVA technology against them, once the Angels have been defeated”

“They're being morons,” scoffed Nerv's tactical director, “The EVA is a defensive weapon only, relying on a specific pilot, with an extremely limited run-time away from an extremely limited cable-length, only available within the limits of this city. And, as I recall, that's why the Security Council demanded we limit the battery life of the Eva's in the first place, to stop half the world pointing ICBM's at us.”

“They did that on purpose?” Asuka blurted out, taking the words straight off my own tongue. Thief. “What if we don't have electric power?”

“Yes, they did,” confirmed the doctor sourly, “We have 20 minute removable backups incase that happens, but with three backup power supplies for the city itself, and priority to the Eva supplies, they should never be necessary,”

I snickered quietly into my hand, trying desperately to just sit there quiet.

“What's so funny?”

“Never say never,” I giggled, grinning stupidly.

The woman just looked at me, bemused for a second.

“A total power failure is impossible; it could only be done on purpose by someone with specific knowledge of our system,”

“Person who built Titanic say sinking it is impossible too.” I countered. The Titanic was built by professionals, the Pacific continent by amateurs.

Akagi just glared at me. I win. Haha. Or I would win whenever the next Angel got its arse around to showing up. She didn't like me anyway. Of course, I had the benefit of fore-hindsight, and I was going to smugly revel in it. Sitting back down into my chair I could sense the irritation radiating off of Akagi, and I lapped it up. It occurred to me that maybe I was being a little childish about it, but fuck that... I was technically 14; I was still entitled to be childish if I wanted to be... Or Noriko was.... or something.

“Noriko,” pressed Misato crossly.

I didn't answer her.

Shinji was doing that gamer club thing with Kensuke, as he did every Saturday. Apparently, it started off as Misato's idea, but he'd seemed pretty enthused about it himself this morning. I knew where I'd rather be. Given a choice between gamers rolling D20's to meet in an imaginary tavern, and sitting through a dry, braindead military briefing, there was no choice.

I sat there gently fingering strands of hair, forking them apart, twirling them through my fingers, tying half loops and loose knots which fell out under their own weight. A day later, or so it seemed....time flies when you're having fun.... the door was pushed open by some red-capped non-com outside.

“In here sirs,” said the non-com.

I recognised him....I did see him regularly guarding the main gates....but I'd never found out his name. Well, everyone knows what happens to NPC's who never get named. The old roleplayers maxim made me wonder, was he the same man stabbed in the back when the JSSDF invaded... or when they will invade?

That's not something to think about! I squelched the thought hard.

4 men, 1 woman, and a boy marched in.

I hiccuped, nearly screaming when I saw him. A stunned shudder ran through my body, a bolt of terror, a shock of fury and a thrill of confusion.

Why was he here?

There was no-one else he could be.... Not with that alabaster skin, not with those blood red eyes and not with his rough, concrete toned hair. The Fifth Children stood opposite me, wearing an emotionless smile.... his eyes stared right into me, filled with what I saw as demonic malice. He wore the same...or similar uniform as me, the same style beret, the same rank insignia on his collar, replacing only the skirt with slack trousers.

I'd seen him before, in my dreams.... or nightmares.

“Stand,” whispered Captain Katsuragi, “And salute,”

I nearly tripped, feeling about ready to trip. I fumbled a little, drawing a dark glare from Asuka from ruining her martial perfection. It's not my fault. The uniformed men, answered in kind. They towered over us, a head and shoulders taller than Misato or Ritsuko. I suddenly realised just how small I was. Even the boy, the Fifth Children, had a few inches on me.

And still he was smiling that God awful smile.

“Gentlemen,” Ritsuko spoke up, snapping me out of it. “To my right, is Captain Misato Katsuragi, Director of Operations, and Third in Command,” Misato bowed, “Lieutenant Asuka Langley Sorhyu, Pilot of Evangelion Unit 02,” Asuka nodded, a smirk on her face., “And Finally, Second Lieutenant Noriko Nagato, Pilot of Evangelion Unit 03,”

And she was emphasising 'Second'. I smiled warmly, forcing my attention away from the child. He wasn't there, he was a figment of my imagination, some kooky hallucination.... that bastard brought me here, now he was fucking with my head!

Back to work... be official. Ignore him.... or it...

“It's a pleasure to meet you ladies,” bowed the first of the Americans, General Johnston according to has name-tag. He was a warm man, his voice have a soft, southern edge to it. He reminded me so much of Colonel Sanders it wasn't funny. Same hair, same beard, even the same confederate gentleman personality.

I wondered if it was all an act, or if he really was the personification of the lost mom-and-pop image of the good 'ol US. If it wasn't for the blue uniform... straight out of Stargate… I'dve sworn he was just another average Joe.

“I am General Carl Johnston of the United States Air Force, Commanding officer of Groom Lake Airforce base.”

The man on his left, opposite Misato stood up... he seemed to me to be the exact opposite of the General. As a man, he seemed short, severe and too the point.

“Major Micheal Arizona, Air Force liaison Officer to NERV,”

The third officer rose to his feet.... clean, fresh faced, and on the surface completely unremarkable, expect for his green eyes. He was almost a boy within his uniform, maybe a couple of years older than myself. I guess if I'd been a girl... a real one.... I might've found him 'cute'.

“Lieutenant Rainier Roberts, my adjutant,”

The woman stood up, short, mousy and Japanese, she was wearing the same uniform as me, with Captain's insignia on her collar.

“NERV liaison to the Airforce, Captain Ichiko Shikinami,”

Wasn't that Asuka's name in some AU? I couldn't remember for sure. The man beside her rose to his feet, opposite Asuka. He wore a dark business suit, but his hair that same rust-red, his eyes that same ice blue. Father and daughter shared a chilling gaze that sucked the heat right out of the room. Ritsuko Akagi, smirked at her opposite number.

“Doctor Kyle Langley, Director of Sierra project,”

Finally, it was the boy's turn, but I already knew exactly who he was.

“Fifth Children and Future Pilot of Unit Zero-Four, Kawaoru Nagisa.”

He bowed low, regarding each of us with those evil eyes of his.

“It is a pleasure to meet you all,” he said, voice soft and almost effemeninate... a sickening purr devoid of all human emotion, “Where is the Third? I was hoping I could see him today.”

I felt physically sick.

“I'm afraid he couldn't make it,” answered Akagi.

Nagisa nodded.... he wasn't disappointed. I was certain he couldn't even be disappointed. Such an inhuman thing... he made my skin crawl.

“So how's it going, Asuka?” her father asked, his voice rough, roguish stubble framing a Harrison Ford jaw.

“I'm doing fine without you, father”

She was brutally polite, perfectly proper, and still stabbing a knife into his heart as best she could. She wore that savage 'I want to eat your heart raw while you watch' grin of hers. The elder Langley, seemed impervious.

“Miss Nagato,” he addressed me, offering a polite handshake, “I knew your mother well, her sudden death was a tragedy for us all.”

Plastic grief. It was so obvious, so bloody phony. She wasn't even my mother, but still he was pissing me off.

“Thank you,” I nodded, not meaning it either. As much as I wanted to tell him to bugger off, it just wasn't something to do at a formal meeting.

“And your Father aswell, that leaves you alone now, doesn't it?”

Fuck off, I willed.

Asuka wanted to stab him. She was picturing the bloody knife in her hands.

“No, I have Captain Katsuragi, she's my guardian.”

“And yours aswell Asuka?” he left me be. “I do hope she's been treating you well,”

“Can we get started, please,” the American General put the brakes on him, “I for one, can't wait to see our new equipment in action, and I'm sure the young ladies here are as excited as I am.”

I almost could've kissed him.

“Yes, let's get started,” Akagi cut in, chilling the air.

Her, or the glares Asuka was throwing her father. Misato's mind was still doing cartwheels. One of the officers unrolled a silver screen from the ceiling.

Americans always had the unique ability.... especially Californians.... of sounding just like that condescending school principal everyone hated even when they were just trying to give a presentation. While I was sure it was nothing intentional, I got the feeling Lieutenant Roberts was talking right down at me, as if I was just a stupid kid beneath contempt.

It made paying active attention to just about anything he was saying or doing a mind-frying chore.

I was more concerned with Nagisa.

Why was he... no it... here now?

It was responsible for me being here.... I was sure of that. I'd seen him...it... in my dreams. He'd spoken right to me.

He did this to me.

He took me from my comfortable life and threw me into this body. I didn't know whether I wanted to kill him or not. Maybe just maim him gently. Or send him to Thailand for... surgery.

That idea put a smile on my face. Even if it would lack the shock factor of waking up and suddenly realising that she had to use a different bathroom. Something else told me he probably wouldn't give a damn either way....

But it'd make me feel better.

Then I could drop her in front of a pit of animÃ© fanboys, and watch as the bought dolls of her and drew her into Yuri doujins with Pen-Pen-ko. And a griddle.

It was much better than the dull Lieutenant, who was discussing the current transient control reactors for the railgun, and how if the US was shipping Unit 04 to Tokyo-3..... they had to fall back to the old minutemen.

But that really wasn't an option for a country as densely populated as Japan. The EVA was the only weapon which could kill an Angel without killing everything in a twenty kilometre radius and poisoning the land downwind for centuries. Compared to the alternative, the collateral damage after the average EVA sortie was minimal.

Of course Misato paled and commented about mankind repeating the mistakes of the past. Ritsuko commented about logic and 'the needs of the many outweighing the needs of the few'. Asuka seemed genuinely horrified that if she lost, she might be incinerated at the drop of the hat... but then concluded that was a good excuse not to lose, and it didn't matter anyway because she wasn't going to lose.

I was more concerned with the Nyarlathotep wannabe sitting across from me, redolent with sinister serenity. He just smiled an almost dainty smile.... devoid of any feeling.

The general was next up, discussing combat tactics, and how Unit's 03 and 04 were designed to operate in tandem with each other, each armed with shoulder-launched missiles,

“But,” reassured the General, “recognising the Japanese government's three-principles on atomic weapons, both machines were rendered nuclear incapable. Though the missile systems themselves can still be retrofitted and armed with non-nuclear warheads,”

He had a better presentation style... a little easier to follow. He seemed to talk to me, rather than down at me. Still, it was a pain in the arse to sit through... literally... the chairs where hell on my butt.

Defence policies of NERV. Cooperation between NERV and the US armed forces stationed in Japan. US contributions to the UN tank battalions. Costs and budgeting. Operational procedures and cross communication procedures between US, UN, NERV and JSSDF forces. Orders of command precedence.

The upshot was, NERV retained ultimate authority in the field. The pilots could also use NERV's command authority to order ground and air forces either out of our way or to distract a target with air-strikes from orbiting B1's, Vulcans and Tu-22's.

The downside was; that was only after the Japanese government allowed us to. Until then, we were subject to direct UN command, and part of the same chain of command as all other UN forces.

Why was the US were talking about UN and close cooperation? Maybe it really was an all-for-one mentality? All nations for one human race, one human race for all nations?

There was something comforting about it. After Second Impact, all nations of the world had come together and said 'Never Again'. And this time, they'd meant it. There had been one full blown war in the 15 years since the Valentine Treaty... in Vietnam. And it had lasted 2 weeks before the JSSDF and UN forces had ended it. The peoples of the world were too busy trying to get back on their feet to bother with the expense of war. It was world peace, or near enough to it, and all it took was the deaths of 3 billion people.

Or more likely, it was a marriage of convenience until everyone was ready to start killing each other again.

The meeting dragged on. I think the Pilots were only there as a political stunt of some sort, to prove that we actually existed.

Nagisa sat serenely. Staring at me.

My skin prickled with static, charging with electric current.

An object in motion will continue in motion in a straight line until acted upon by some external force. Newton's Second law. His words in my dreams. And now himself in person. As malignant as a cancer in the room. I switched my attention back to the General

“The US government, however, is somewhat concerned about NERV's Unimpeded Launch policy. The idea that a weapon as powerful as an Evangelion can be launched at whim without so much of a code, is disturbing.”

Of course, Akagi had an answer.

“Or aim was to ensure that, if the command centre were to be disabled by an Angel attack or communications were cut, the pilots should be capable of launching themselves. When the fate of the human race rides on a single weapon, you don't want it stranded because of a broken weak link,”

Some people wanted to place the EVA on the same pedestal as the atom bomb… a mysterious and terrifying weapon of unearthly power. They expected some crazy key-turning rituals and special code-locks, calls from the president and two-man rules. The reality was, while an EVA could be immensely destructive, it could only be immensely destructive to things it could reach. Most of the firearms we carried where more mobile versions of the city's static defences. The difference between an EVA-wielded pallet rifle and a turret mounted pallet gun was the EVA's AT-field cancelling out the Angels'. And unlike a turret, and EVA could tear an angel apart with its bare hands.

What really scared the politicians however, was that the Evangelion was pretty much immune to conventional weapons…moreso than an Angel. The EVA's had armour. The only weapons that could take down an EVA, were either mounted in a very big turret, or were carried by another EVA. And that's assuming the AT-Field didn't exist.

N2 weapons were only good for stunning Angels… the same for an EVA. Without hollow spaces inside, neither were too vulnerable to overpressure or shockwave effects. A standard fifty kiloton N2 going off within spitting distance would stun an Angel for a few days. The same dropped on an EVA might strip the paint and annoy the pilot. We'd been reassured that it would take at least multiple warheads of much higher power…probably nuclear….. going off simultaneously to even come close to destroying an Evangelion.

And they could only be dropped from easy to shoot down bomber, or a missile that once launched, was only targeted at a specific point on Earths surface. So the only option they'd have would be to saturate everything within our operational range. Since a good chunk of the world's arsenal had been either used or decommissioned after Second Impact the chances of anyone doing that were, we were reassured, remote.

The only thing that could beat an Evangelion reliably was another Evangelion. The only thing an Evangelion was really good at beating were the Angels, or another Evangelion. And since a single Evangelion took many years and a good chunk of a large nation's GDP to build, they were pretty much useless as a weapon of war.

All this had been explained to the Pilots in our handbook, to reassure us that an EVA's entry plug was probably the safest place on planet Earth, and that we wouldn't be nuked into oblivion by some panicking Dear Leader because the Evangelion had been specifically designed not to give them anything to panic over…so I didn't really bother paying attention as it was explained to the Americans. They'd pretty much figured all this for themselves, but seemed just to want something they could take back to their government to stop them worrying.

A thought occurred to me…

A nuclear-armed Evangelion. Johnston had said that Unit 03 had been rendered `nuclear incapable'. Did that mean at one stage it had been nuclear capable?

A nearly indestructible machine, capable of carrying nuclear missiles. Tethered only by a cable. Or not even that in the case of Unit 04. You couldn't destroy it with nuclear weapons, but you could be assured that if you tried, it could destroy you. If it decided to destroy you first, there wasn't much if anything you could do to stop it.

Misato's James bond joke, didn't seem like a joke anymore. And Johnston's question about the Evangelions being so easy to launch, didn't seem so out of place any more.

Looking around me, it was obvious that I was the last person to reach that conclusion.

Someone staring down the barrel of an atomic EVA would certainly know the EVA's weak point. Without its pilot, the EVA was useless. A big enough attack, launched too fast for NERV to respond, would kill the pilots. With the pilots dead, the Evangelions can't retaliate.

Wasn't that the JSSDF strategy in End of Evangelion?

I didn't want to play the atomic game. I didn't want to be a target on some piecutter.

“Doctor Langley will now discuss the design and construction procedures, aswell as the temporary modifications to Unit 03 for these tests, the improvements being made for Unit 04, aswell as projected construction designs for 10, 11 and 12,”

Like the announcer at the Oscars, the General turned the floor over to a new chapter in boredom. What made this worse was that this was something I actually had to pay attention too. Was this a secret endurance test? How long can the Pilot's stay awake in the face of unremitting boredom? How many times over could I count the tiles on the roof?

Or trace my finger on a pen-scratching on the table announcing something involving the Commander, Mt. Akagi and a bunch of other stuff I couldn't figure out? Either that meant 'loneliness', or somebody was struggling to spell 'service' correctly.

Asuka's father stood up, pulled the creases out of his suit, and coughed a little into his hand. He stared down at his daughter for a second, offering her a paternal smile. She answered with the most hateful scowl, like he'd boiled her pet cat alive once and forced her to eat the stew left behind.

“Alright,” he coughed again, clearing his throat, “The Sierra Project involves the research of energy weapons powered by an onboard power supply within the Evangelion itself, the provision of onboard power and the development of a prototype.”

10:30 am, according to the clock on the wall.

Was it running slow?

It felt like it had been years.

Decades even.

“As part of the test regime, Unit 03 has been retrofitted with a power take off, using the onboard batteries as a placeholder energy source. The aim being to test and verify the function of the power regulation algorithms.”

I'm sharing a room with the devil's apprentice, and I'm being bored to death by a lecture dryer than the Atacama desert. Railguns may be cool, but not when you understand the vast majority of the theory behind their operation and still have to sit through a lecture on basic electromagnetism.

I leaned over and whispered in Asuka's ear, “Why can't he just get on with it? I know this stuff,”

She just looked at me, like I'd told her I was the final Angel.

“How do you know that?” she interrogated, her voice a harsh whisper.

“I read my fathers textbooks,” I lied off the cuff. He was supposed to be an engineer, wasn't he?

For a moment, she seemed genuinely impressed by that. That was a good feeling.

“The transient current magnitude is controlled by these two reactors mounted under the barrel. By varying the position of the iron core within the reactors themselves, the quality of the reactor, and hence the rate of change of current can be controlled, giving an effective method of power and recoil adjustment.”

Still Nagisa sat there, studying me.

Red eyes, glistening. Blood red eyes.

“Unlike with coilguns, magnetic saturation of the projectile is not an issue, allowing extremely high velocities to be achieved, on the order of approximately 10 kilometers per second, giving kinetic energies more than capable of penetrating an AT field.”

Eyes that had seen aeons, it seemed.

“Don't stare at the new boy,” whispered Asuka in my ear, her breath tickling like a buzzing mosquito. “Or does someone have a crush?”

“No!” I snapped back at her.

Silence,

“Is there something you wish to add, Lieutenant?”

Bloody hell. Thanks Asuka, thanks a fucking bunch. Every eye in the room turned to me. Another reason for Akagi to think I was nuts. Think! Think quick. Find something to say that isn't `Sorry'. What do I know about high current electronics and railguns?

“Um..” the gears in my mind began to turn, turning up Wikipedia pages, textbook pages and slashdot articles. “How are you…” I realised I could switch back to my native language, “How are you making sure there's good contact between the rails and the projectile, to minimise damage due to high current arcing? Or how many shots do we get before the rails disintegrate?”

It was Ritsuko's turn to gawk. For the briefest of moments, I took her off guard. I knew something she didn't… or didn't expect me to. That was so satisfying; the most a polite `fuck you' imaginable. The Americans were definitely impressed, Langley smirking. I'd seen the same smirk on his daughters face any time she'd been given the chance to show just how gifted she was.

“We use a sacrificial conductive foam wadding on the projectile contacts which ensures reliable continuity between rail and projectile. The foam turns to plasma, and is used to impart further energy to the projectile, aswell as protecting the rails by laying a fresh coating of conductive carbon behind after every shot. Each barrel is good for over 100 shots. Will that be enough?”

As slick as a snake-oil salesman, with barely a half second's thought. I just nodded smugly, settling down into the warmth my own self satisfaction. Nagisa chuckled ever so slightly, and a cold chill ran up my back, a feeling that someone was walking on my grave.

Akagi whispered something in Misato's ear, drawing a curt nod from the Captain. Badmouthing me again? Or was I just being paranoid? That woman hated me.

“Where were we?” Langley coughed again, “Right. Using these reactors does leave a high power EMF when the current cuts off after the projectile has left the barrel, which if not compensated for would cause damage to the Evangelion's battery systems, or other power source.”…the S2 engine in Unit 04, just spit it out…. “A software controlled solid state switch shunts this current into cap-bank mounted here..” he gestured towards the blueprints on the projector, “..in the rifle's stock. Switches then change polarity, allowing this energy to be used to part-power the next shot. This reduces power draw for subsequent shots, after the first.”

The clock ground around.

Tick… Tock.

Who makesï»¿ the clock tick by, When will my fate be ready? Do I get prior warning Am I told? Are there no surprises? What song was that again? I knew I'd heard it somewhere. I shrugged and decided it wasn't so important.

“Now we move on to integration with the onboard HUD and targeting control systems…”

I counted the seconds.

Then minutes.

Ritsuko badgered with questions about systems integration, software reliability, and assurances from third-party contractors. The Americans loved third-party contractors. And dull, dry things. Dull as old silver. Dry as Sahara bones.

Then….

A knock at the door.

“I think it's time we break for sandwiches,” said a relieved Misato.

The whole room exhaled. Except for the Angel, he couldn't care less. But food would make everyone feel better.

“So, you're the Fifth child then,” Asuka swung into her usual routine. “Lieutenant Asuka Sorhyu, pilot of Unit 02, pleased to meet you.”

I noticed she watched the reactions of her father as she dropped the Langley. He didn't give two hoots, he was too busy waffling with Akagi and Misato, and keeping the blue-shirts from the USAF happy.

“The Second Child,” he purred, “Es ist eine freude, sie zu erfÃ¼llen”

I blanked.

“Sie sind Deutsche?”

Whatever she was saying about Germany, she was pleasantly amused by it. Maybe she was surprised just how German Kawaoru was.

“Ja….”

I didn't even try to follow it. The pair carried on with their Rammstein duet. My ability to comprehend German was limited to using Babelfish to translate it. The adults were duelling over the history of the Evangelion project in English, while Misato sat back and tried to look like an understanding professional.

“So, Nagisa is quite the bishounen, isn't he?” she purred….

“I not like Nagisa,” is all I said. Arms folded.

“Asuka didn't like Shinji at first, but she got over it,” Memories of a hundred Shinji/Asuka lemons sent shudders down my spine. I will hate Nagisa. No matter what happens. I will hate him for taking me from my home, from my life, for the rest of my life.

I growled into my own chest.

“Nice question by the way. From the looks of it, I think you impressed our guests,”

And all of a sudden, I felt good about myself again. Not only that, but it reaffirmed my identity. Not as the 14 year old girl and mecha pilot, but the 22 year old engineer who was just about to finish final year in university before some bloody Angel decided it would be hilarious to see how well he would do as a 14 year old girl and mecha pilot.

I murdered a ham sandwich. I'd rather have murdered the Angel.

“Now that we're all refreshed, shall we get back to work?”

As usual, Akagi ended the fun.

The meeting would last for another hour.

I…I

“That Fifth Child is creepy,” said Asuka, unbuttoning her blouse, “a complete freakazoid like the First,”

I turned around to make sure Rei wasn't in the changing room. Not that she'd actually care, mind.

“Yeah, he is a bit…” I had to search for the right word “…a bit queer. And I don't mean his sexual orientation. I mean, look at the way he smiles, the way he talks, it's like one of those uncanny-valley CGI film characters. Emotion on the outside, but hollow and false on the inside,”

The opposite of Rei then, almost. Asuka nodded.

“His German is too perfect; he speaks like a dictionary, rather than a human being. He reminds me of a serial killer. At least the Third is human”…a beat, followed by a quick backpeddle, “That doesn't mean that I like Shinji of course, just that I prefer him to this freaky Volker Eckert Fifth child.”

I threw her a disbelieving look. Yes Miss Tsundere, I believe you, you don't like Shinji at all.

“At least you don't have to work with him,” I mumbled bitterly. Here's hoping that when Unit 04 goes pop in Nevada, it'll take Kawaoru with it.

Now that was a comforting thought. All my problems disappear in a mushroom cloud.

I pulled my plugsuit up around my body, nestling parts into their proper places. A click of a switch, and it hugged my skin, trapped air exhausting from vents on the hips, back and shoulders. A little tighter across the chest than usual…

You're a growing young woman Noriko, Misato's voice whispered in my ear.

A few swings of my arms to try and fix the fit…which failed…. And I shrugged it off. Deep breath. Hold it. Close my eyes. Open and exhale slowly.

I wasn't a girl.

I wasn't a woman.

I wasn't a man.

I wasn't any of those.

In my plugsuit, I was the 4th Child. Now, I was the Pilot of Unit 03.

Asuka's red suit compressed around her body.

“Don't worry Asuka, I'll go easy on you,” I teased.

“Pride comes before a fall, 4th child,” she swaggered. “Besides, I'll look bad if you make it too easy for me to beat you.”

Spoken as if her beating me was an absolute certainty. It probably was. Unless I could think of something really cunning, really quickly…

Whatever it was, I'd only ever get one chance to do it.

I…I

I tried to put Thursday out of my mind… but it still lingered, sending chills through my body was the LCL began to trickle in. I knew the Eva wouldn't harm me, but what I knew didn't matter one iota to my subconscious.

The blood of Lilith was rising quickly up my chest.

I could defeat my subconscious. This proved as much. Close my eyes. Take one last deep breath of blood tasting air, and wait for the LCL to rise above my head. Open Eyes. Open mouth and blow bubbles, listening to them pop like gunshots in the liquid. Then inhale and feel fine.

The human body breathed liquid for nine months, it wasn't hard to teach it to do it again. Just remember not do it when swimming in open water.

Going back from liquid to air, was still about five minutes of coughing, puking and hacking gobbets of phlegm and red gel across the floor. Ed Harris made that part look easy.

Then came the rush… growing a thousand feet in three seconds. My mind expanded to fill the void within the EVA, ghosts of sensations from the armour and cage locks dancing through my awareness. I gripped the twin throttles tightly, anchoring myself back in my own body.

A few quick checks over the displays around me. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing felt wrong.

“Unit 03 has activated. All systems green.”

Maya Ibuki answered me.

“Acknowledge Unit 03. Launch in 5 minutes. ”

American accents burred in the background. The Generals face appeared beside me.

“Zero-Three. Lieutenant,”…he pronounced it Loo-tenant… “Remember pilot, you're not just riding in a machine. You're riding on the hopes and dreams of a hundred million Americans invested in your machine, invested in a future for the human race. We stand behind you, all of us. And we entrust our fate to your courageous hands. Do your best for us, Lieutenant.”

There was an almost tearful glimmer in his eye.

“I will,” I smiled back.

He probably took my smile as being one of confidence, a young girl, bright eyed and looking forward to saving the planet, freedom, bald eagles and all that. Truth be told, I was trying desperately hard not to giggle stupidly. I couldn't help but be reminded of all those silly rousing movie speeches…especially that Roland Emmerich movie. To be fair to the man, he really did mean it…Americans were the only people in the world who could credibly spout that sort of jingoistic cheese, and while I didn't generally go in for jingoism and the like I could at least play along.

Just don't start bawling laughing.

Try sound imperious and confident. Try to sound hot-blooded… that's what they want. A courageous pilot, not a cowardly one.

“The hopes and dreams of humanity,” I started, “Will be my drill to break through our enemies, to pierce the very heavens themselves.”

I didn't even know if that animÃ© had ever existed anymore. The fact that I was half-quoting Kamina will sitting in an Evangelion just made it funnier. It took all my willpower not to just burst out laughing afterwards.

“Well said,” said the General.

It did make me feel good in a strange way…a little more confident perhaps. I nodded firmly at the General, and put him out of my mind, cycling through a few prelaunch checks. The Eva was there, observing.Just observing. Keeping her distance. She didn't mean to hurt me, I told myself.

“Hi,” I projected at her, feeling a nervous thrill run through my body.

I felt her smile rise through my body, covering me like a warm blanket of happiness. She would keep me safe. She wouldn't hurt me. She would protect me as she would protect her own daughter.

Do your best, Eva.

She would. It wasn't her fault we were going to lose anyway. It was a simple spar, best of three rounds. I was almost sure I'd win the first. I was bloody certain I'd be squashed for the next 2. But if I could pull my first move off, it wouldn't matter what Asuka did afterwards. After all, it was expected for her to win all three, wasn't it?

“Unit 03 to launch position,”

Ibuki again. The machine slowly began to move backwards towards the launch rails, while I hummed the Thunderbirds theme.

Ibuki; “Unit 03 launch set to manual-soft,”

“Copy,” I answered, changing settings, “Manual-soft set,”

The monster machine locked into the launch rails, clamps and runners highlighting green on my HUD.

Ibuki; “Geofront launch route three. Power Connection Gamma-3 on surface. Field data has been uploaded. Launch at will, Good hunting,”

“Roger that, Launch at will,”

Just push the little red button and go.

3G of acceleration crushed my body down into the seat, drawing a gentle grunt as my insides tried to stay behind on the launch pad. I took it in my stride, taking time to admire the views outside. Compared to a 7G combat launch, this was gentle. LCL and a reclined seating position took a good deal of it, but there was a reason we had to do all our physical training… and it wasn't because plugsuits wouldn't look so nice over a beer-gut or bangle-butt.

Not entirely anyway.

All pilots were expected to have health problems in later life, but all that mattered was that we were fit and healthy for the next 12 months or so. Long enough to save humanity. Long enough to turn to orange jelly. Maybe that's when I got to go home?

Wake up warm in my own bed, trudge to the bathroom.... actually have my rather classy beard back. And probably get halfway through shaving my legs before realising I didn't have to do that anymore.

What was that line from some Scottish play?

I am too steep'd in panties, that to wade back would be as tedious as to go o'er.

I was paraphrasing… of course…. And probably badly, but it illustrated the point. I was fast reaching the moment where it would be just as hard to get used to being male again, as it had been to get used to seeing Noriko's chest in the mirror in the morning.

The jolt at the top of the lift jarred my thoughts back. Right then, none of that mattered. I was there to do a job. Check instruments, check gauges, check for nearby power sockets, and step off the carrier.

One small step for an EVA, one giant bootprint in the soil. Wincing momentarily, I realised I'd forgotten to check for ground personnel. A quick, but deliberate, glance down. Nothing by left foot, nothing by right foot. Which according to Murphy, meant whatever had been there was now well and truly underfoot.

There was a reason Asuka called them crunchies. That reason being allied forces inability to understand that the Eva's had a very large blindspot right underneath them….which only got larger when the pilot was focusing on the thirty story monstrosity in front of her. It was so bad, our battle simulations had been adjusted account for it, and I was the first pilot being trained specifically to be aware of it.

In the battle against the 6th Angel, Asuka outright killed or wounded more people in her 60-second hopscotch game, than the Angel itself had managed in ten minutes. In her simulated performances, she was the only one of us who routinely managed to kill more friendlies than the enemy did.

Which had a seriously detrimental effect on inter-force cooperation and goodwill.

Leaving that thought hanging, I switched power supply to a local one, checked it actually had the ability to supply the power I needed, checked the batteries were properly trickle charging, checked for certain that I hadn't squashed my support units, and finally made damn sure Unit 03 was equipped with it's standard weapons loadout, otherwise my plan wouldn't work and I'd just look like an incompetent idiot.

“Unit 03 On Surface. Power stable. Go for Operations.”

200 yards away, Unit 02 stood at attention, bright red paint glowing in the sun. Behind it, the Pyramid tower of NERV headquarters basked in the light filtering down from the lake-windows a kilometre above. The old destroyer was sleeping peacefully on the lake, sparks of light dancing across the surface.

I wondered how the hell they got that thing in, or what it was over supposed to do beyond being used as an improvised missile against a squadron of tanks.

“Unit 02 On surface. Power Stable. Go for operations,”

I could tell by her tone. Asuka thought this was going to be a curbstomp battle.

Katsuragi; “Good. Now show these Americans that you're not just children with big toys.”

We intended to.

I…I

The scientists at the Japan Meteorological Institute were always the first to know when the EVA's were out playing. Each kiloton footstep shook the ground like a miniature earthquake. Distant seismographs quivered in fear of our power. Geologists were already drafting another letter of complaint to the powers that be, incensed that the noise of our training exercises was drowning out their measurements.

It was absurd but glorious. We had the power to move the Earth itself.

That thrilling feeling of raw physical power, of striding over the land like a Greek Titan, almost made everything worthwhile.

Almost.

The price of going home…of becoming myself again… was never being able to sit in this cockpit again. If I was honest with myself, I wasn't sure this was something I could willingly give up.

Leaving that thought hanging, I returned my concentration to my piloting, and planning my little surprise for Asuka.

Ibuki; “Unit 03 weapons check”

I glanced at a terminal window to my left, cycling through the information displayed.

“Confirm training weapons only.”

Ibuki; “Battle computer to simulated damage mode,”

I brought up a new screen to my right, changing a few settings with a gentle brush from my fingertips. Pinch to zoom and make sure, then flick it away out of view.

“Damage simulators active. Discriminators locked into safety mode. ”

Ibuki; “Report arrival at Beta startpoint and standby,”

“Copy that,”

Take it slow and easy. No hurry at all. Try not to shake things up too much. We were professionals, not children…or at least we were acting like professional soldiers. Children acting like soldiers. No wonder the UN kept our identities secret, every tin-pot dictator in Africa would call them on it.

Compared to the others, at least I had the benefit of once having been an adult.

Pointless thoughts. We weren't `child soldiers'. We still went to school, we still had friends. Being a pilot was no different than being a member of an after-school sports team. We trained for a few hours a day after school, and every couple of weeks we would get time off class to play against the Angels.

Was that deliberate on NERV's part…making EVA training seem more like an after-school activity than actual military service?

Well, it sure beat chess club.

Blowing that thought away, letting it bubble up towards the top of the plug, I pushed the EVA around the back of a ruined tower block that had fallen from above and drilled itself into the ground.

“Unit 03 reporting point Beta standby. Awaiting orders,”

Ibuki; “Hold. Waiting for Unit 02,”

The red EVA was near a kilometre away with its back towards me, loping forwards. Its lolling gait was a curious mix of human, and utterly alien. One foot in front of the other, never fully stretching the leg, never fully locking the knee. Its arms swung lazily by its side, just enough to keep balance, nothing more.

Katsuragi; “This is just a quick demonstration of what we can do you two, so no need to remodel the entire Geofront. You both have your standard armaments, nothing more. There's a kilometre between you, and the battlefield is marked on your HUD. Rules are simple. Go off the battlefield, you lose. If your battle-computer says your EVA is disabled, you lose. Everything else is fair game.”

Perfect. Standard armaments for Unit 02 were a pair of progressive knives, and a set of carbon darts in each shoulder. Units 00 and 01 had similar, trading the darts for a set of braking thrusters. 03 had the same thrusters, but only one prog-knife. Unlike the others, I could call on a magnum pistol in a tight spot.

A Magnum pistol that fired 3 19-inch shells, weighing over a tonne each, in a third of a second. Then could do the same 3 seconds later, to fire a total of 15 rounds. When empty, there were two more magazines making for a maximum of 45 shots. It was designed to smash an Angel's core.

Sorhyu; “I'll try make this look good,” she teased.

I smiled knowingly at her image. What she didn't know, was going to hurt her.

Katsuragi; “All Unit's in position. Wait for my order,”

A few of the Americans burred in the background, questioning some of the techs behind, or commenting on procedures. I double checked to make sure Unit 02's IFF had been removed from the `friendly' list and then checked again to be sure. Getting that wrong would be embarrassing.

Katsuragi; “3….” Check radar for good lock, “2….” Slave targeting systems to radar lock. “1….” Check range, Check weapon. Pray. “Start,”

All comm-lines were cut.

A little blue dot on a map represented Unit 02, otherwise now hidden from view by the concrete tower I was using to shield myself. That little dot took off like a sprinter, accelerating to triple digit speeds in a heartbeat.

A thrill ran up my spine, terror, excitement and elation racing through my body.

Radar lock, reported the battle-computer.

Max-Range in 3 seconds.

Ideal range 8 seconds.

Close Contact 15 seconds.

And if that happened, Asuka's victory after 16 seconds, or so I estimated. I couldn't beat her hand-to-hand… I hadn't been trained for it. No, I just had my one ace up my sleeve.

Max-range ticked by, counted off by computer.

I still crouched behind the ruin. 3… 2…. 1…..

Don't fuck up.

One fluid motion pulled Unit 03 around the building, spinning on one heel to face the charging Red Eva, highlighted with a blue box, rapidly growing larger. 4 glass eyes gleamed menacingly in the sun, progressive blade already drawn ready to cut. Asuka wasn't hanging about. Close the distance as quickly as possible then tear the enemy apart hand to hand. Just as she'd been trained.

She didn't jink, she didn't zig-zag… she didn't know I had anything to call on other than a prog-knife. She was about to find out otherwise.

I picked a point on Unit 02's chest, just below its neck, slaving the targeting systems to it. I was trained to shoot for the weak spot, to shoot for an Angels core. The weakest point on an EVA was right at the top of its spine. It was a cold-blooded thought, but it was the truth.

Indicators flashed green. Simultaneously, I reached up, feeling my machines hand close around the grips of the pistol. I grinned savagely.

Sorhyu was a sitting duck.

Half a kilometre away, running right at me. Easy shot. I squeezed the trigger on the throttle.

Computer control drew the weapon from its holster. Computer control aimed it, pointing the barrel with unerring accuracy at that single point I'd selected. Computer control fired, three shots blasting out, pistol belching flame and smoke.

Blank cartridges, for effect.

A heartbeat. Tense, did I hit. Did I miss? If I missed… a momentary chill ran through my body. I might get another volley off, but Asuka would be expecting it.

The battle computers of both machines busied themselves calculating the effects of the shot. Accuracy, damage, deflections off armour. System failures were to be simulated.

Hit, announced the battle-computer after a half-second's deliberation with its counterpart.

1-shot. Armour: Neck 11678-12003. Armour destroyed.

2-shot. Penetration: Neck. Laceration of supporting musculature. Backup control failure.

3-shot. Penetration: Entry-plug. Pilot deceased.

Unit 02 Lurched to a halt mid stride, its onboard computer acknowledging the death if its pilot and cutting off all of her controls.

Sorhyu; "Was zur HÃ¶lle?" She wore an expression like she'd been struck by lightning. “Program error?”

I keyed open a channel.

“Boom. Headshot,”

That was all that needed to be said. That was all I could say before I burst out into cackling laughter. Laughing at Asuka wasn't going to do my chances for survival any favours, but I really didn't give a bollocks. I could endure any torture…. It was worth it to see the look of sheer indignant bewilderment on the Second Child's face.

Ibuki; “EVA Unit 02 has been defeated by pilot kill. Battle time, 13.24 seconds. “

Asuka; “Pilot kill?” the wheels started turning, Click! Everything locked into place, embarrassed rage building as the realisation coalesced in her mind “SHE CHEATED! It was a standard weapons only battle, no firearms allowed,”

“Asuka,” her father cut in, his voice chilled and deadly, “A pistol is part of Unit 03's standard loadout. You did not lose because Nagato cheated, you lost because of your own failure to know your opponent,”

Oh God, he was going to get me killed.

Langley; “I did not raise a girl who charges blindly forward without stopping to think about her opponent. On the battlefield, the first loser is the first casualty, and you did not spend years in training to throw yourself away to the maggots through sheer stupidity.“

Sorhyu looked like a scolded puppy, and her father was happily rubbing her nose in it.

Langley; “I raised my daughter to win, I raised my daughter to learn from her mistakes. If you are my daughter, Asuka Langley, then you will learn from this, and youwill win this time. Are you my daughter, Asuka?”

Oh hell…

“Yes,” she said, her voice flat.

Langley; “Are. You. My. Daughter?”

“Yes!” barked the red pilot.

Langley; “And is my daughter a worthless loser?”

“No!”

Langley; “So is my daughter going to lose?”

His voice drove her like a hammer drives a nail. There was hate in that girl's eyes. Hate for her father, or hate for me? The image of Ibuki beside me looked away for a minute, shuddering. Kyle Langley was one of those parents… the kind who treat any grade less than an A-plus as a personal insult… the kind for whom the best is never good enough.

I might've felt sorry for Asuka, if I hadn't been too busy being afraid of her.

“No,” snarled the pilot of Unit 02, a savage gleam in her eyes.

“I'm going to die,” I said. I could see it now, Unit 03 being torn to shreds in a bloody orgy of destruction, white entry plug so vulnerable in red fingers and then…crunch!

Ibuki; “Unit 03 auto ejection check,” the ever-cute lieutenant took my mind off it.

“Ejection check green,” I answered back, checking thrusters and plug release circuits.

A few moments thought… then a confidence inspiring realisation. An ejection check… brilliant. Focus, Fourth Child. If I was going to get eaten by the werewolf, at least I could give her indigestion.

Katsuragi; “Return to startpoint, prep for round two. Good work Pilot Nagato,”

Misato's smile almost made the impending pain worthwhile. Return pistol to its holster, switch to full magazine, crouch back behind cover and wait….wait to die horribly. There were murmurings over the radio, talking about powerflow, targeting deviation and NERV's training policies.

Alright… think tactics. Asuka's going to be ready now; she's going to know to dodge. Fifteen rounds aren't enough for proper suppression fire to make her stop, and it takes forever to reload the thing. Trying the same thing over was dumb… she'd expect it. Shoot the weak spot, my training demanded. The weakest points on an EVA were the sensors mounted to the head, and the entry plug itself. Both were hard shots to make. Fighting Sorhyu hand to hand would be futile… I had to shoot. Shoot for the head to blind and disable her, then finish with a plugshot.

Plan seemed good.

Better than rolling over and dying.

Sorhyu; “Unit 02 at starpoint.” Direct and deadly, the Second child stared through the video link, her gaze chilling my bone.

“Unit 03 startpoint,” I reported.

Katsuragi; “Good, wait for my order.”

I took the chance to check my weapons, check a battery circuit that was running a little warm… but not dangerously so. Ready to die Noriko? I asked myself. Not especially, came the answer from within.

Katsuragi; “3….” Check radar for good lock, like last time “2….” Slave targeting systems to radar lock, also like last time. “1….” Check range, Check weapon. Pray. “Start,”

02 Launched like a rocket, again running to close distance. Same opening move, same opening response. I hauled 03 out from behind my cover, readying my pistol. The red EVA had it's blade drawn…again… charging like a bull.

Aim point… just below the neck. Same as last time. Slave targeting sensors. Same as last time. Solid lock, all indicators green. Same as last time. Count to ideal range…three…two…one…

I smirked as I squeezed the trigger… Maybe it would be that easy?

Unit 03 reached up, gripping the pistol, drawing it onto target. The gun fired, three shots blasting out. The battle computers calculated, and gave their verdict.

1-shot. Armour: Shoulder 10200-10236. Integrity compromised.

2-shot. Miss.

3-shot. Miss.

My blood ran ice cold. Where Unit 02 had once been looming large on screen in front of me, there was nothing but thin air, and a distant elevator stack.

Sorhyu; “Nice try, Fourth Child!”

When Asuka gets triumphant…it's time to get scared.

A dark shadow loomed above, Unit 02 vaulting high, cartwheeling over into an Inazuma Kick. Watching that massive boot drop straight towards my face, I think I knew how Wile E Coyote might've felt as he watched that boulder drop.

Training told me to stand my ground. Training told me to fire. I mightn't have had my umbrella, but I did have a Magnum. It wouldn't stop her from hitting me I knew…. A couple of thousand tonnes of flesh and steel weren't going to be stopped by three one-tonne shells.

No time to wait for lock-on. Have to snapshot. Fire in manual mode. Target in centre, push the switch. Keep it cool. Deep breath…. And shoot!

Three more shots blasted out, magnum cannon spitting smoke and flames.

1-shot. Armour: Left Foot 224-280. Destroyed.

2-shot. Penetration: Left Foot: Severe damage to ankle joints. Mobility inhibited

3-shot. Armour: Right Thigh 458-520: Integrity compromised.

Landing gracefully would be hard with a smashed foot. Landing gracefully wasn't Asuka's intention. Oh shit… Oh shit…

Half panicking, I dropped my pistol using Unit 03's hands to protect myself, hoping I could try grab her foot. Yeah! That'll work. Grab her foot, use her own momentum to flick her over my head. The hair on the back of my neck bristled with static, AT field running like an electric current through my body.

The hit was hard, like taking a baseball bat to the arms, even through the blanket of synchronisation. I yelped, screwing my eyes shut as I dropped the Eva to it's knees. I felt my hands grip around O2's calf… a little relief… and swung up.

Asuka barked, “What!” as if caught off guard. Tension twisted my gut as her foot came free of my hands. Breathing hard, I pushed forwards, trying to get my EVA to her feet. Go! Go! Go! I willed, hoping to get up standing, get the prog-knife out, and try making a fight of it.

The looming shadow of Unit 02 flashed overhead. I craned my neck around, trying to see where she was landing, but my own shoulder blocked my view.

I felt an impact on my lower back.. just a gentle tap. Ignoring it, I pushed the EVA forward, trying to break into a run before Asuka got her bearings. Recover pistol, reload, get some distance… sounds good.

That thought was killed stone dead by a ringing alarm, indicators flashing up read across the displays. Unit 03 stopped dead.

Prog Knife: Puncture L3-L4. Vertebral column severed. Motor control failure.

Everything below the waist had gone oddly numb.

Sorhyu; “I think that's a mission kill, nicht,”

Beating Asuka was terrifying. Being beaten by Asuka was depressing. There was no better way to feel worthless than to see that haughty look on her face, like a queen looking down on a peasant. The best way to live with Asuka was never to compete with her… she was all nice and friendly then.

“Nice one,” I offered grudgingly.

Langley; “That's the daughter I raised,” the man beamed.

I almost felt sorry for her, to have had Kyle Langley for a parent. I was glad I hadn't had a father like that.

Ibuki; “EVA Unit 03 has been defeated by disablement. Battle time, 22.15 seconds. “

Katsuragi; “Return to startpoint, prep for final round.”

The battle computer unlocked the EVA with a few quick commands. Well, at least I didn't have far to go. Asuka had another march to the end of the field. I retrieved my pistol, checked it hadn't been stood on, reloaded, and tried to figure out what I could do next.

How did Asuka jump out of the way of a bullet travelling at near Mach 2?

Because she had at least a second's warning , while Unit 03 drew it's pistol. Okay, so I draw the pistol before the round starts. Simple. Less time to react, more time for me to get a decent shot.

Johnston; “Pilot Nagato,” Johnston hailed, “You're trained to shoot for a killshot, am I right? ”

“Yeah…s Sir.” I slurred slightly, nearly forgetting that I was supposed to be acting all military about this.

Johnston; “That might work for an Angel, but not against a more mobile target. Aim for centre of mass.” He instructed. “In air combat, you can't afford to be picky about what part of the target you hit, just be glad that you hit it and do some damage.”

He was a pilot?

Johnston; “Aim to damage and weaken your target at range where you're stronger, so that when she closes, she'll be weaker and easier to deal with when you're at your weakest.

I acknowledged with a quick “Understood. Thank You,”

He didn't understand how an EVA was built… shooting one wasn't like shooting a person. There was nothing critical behind the chest plate. A lung-shot would drop a person, it might….just might… annoy an EVA.

But, it'd be rude to ignore advice given in good faith by a guest and since I was going to lose anyway, what did it matter?

“Unit 03 startpoint,” I reported. Let's get this over with so Asuka can go on being smug and I can play with the real fun toys.

Sorhyu; “Unit 02 startpoint,”

Hurry up.

Katsuragi; “Last one, make it good. 3….” Check radar for good lock, for the final time, “2….” Slave targeting systems to radar lock. “1….” Check range, draw weapon, make sure it'll fire. “Start,”

Again, Unit 02 took off at full pelt.

Radar lock, reported the battle-computer. My skin began to prickle in anticipation. Max range ticked by. Time this right. Optimal range ticked by. Unit 02 at full speed, maybe 5 more seconds to close me down.

“Go!”

Sticking with what worked... she wouldn't expect someone to do what had failed, would she?.... I pushed Unit 03 around the opposite corner of my cover. Pistol already drawn, I selected the entirety of Unit 02. A nice big juicy target, easy for the computer to track.

It took a single heartbeat for the computer to make the necessary adjustments and corrections. I fired with a smile on my face. Asuka started to jump... the computers started their calculations.

1-shot. Armour: Shoulder 10210-10278. Integrity compromised.

2-shot. Armour: Chest 9573-9945. Armour destroyed.

3-shot. Penetration: Chest. Damage to ribcage. Puncture Right Lung

The red EVA stumbled a little, but was otherwise unbothered. As I'd expected. She launched high, same as last time, I pulled right, trying to put the ruined building between myself and where she was inevitably going to land… a spot just behind where I'd been standing.

That was my next aimpoint. Snapshot, target in centre, pull the switch. The gun spat another burst.

1-shot. Miss.

2-shot. Armour: Chest 9475-9729. Armour destroyed.

3-shot. Penetration: Right Forearm. Mobility compromised.

Fuck yeah!

I pushed Unit 03 into a quick run while Unit 02 reeled, Asuka using her arm to shield herself. Another few hundred yards, time enough for an aimed shot.

My heart raced, excitement simmering in my blood. Holy shit I think I'm going to win this.

Asuka trained for years to perfect her hand to hand technique. I trained for 5 weeks to get good at shooting. What was the American saying? God made man, Colt made men equals.

Pivoting back to face the target, I yelped.

Unit 02 loomed large over me, Prog Knife drawn. A red devil charging forward. Damn she was quick. How did she get herself together so fast?

Because she's a professional of ten-years training….

I felt fear… true mortal fear. Silver eyes gleamed with murderous rage in the artificial sunlight. Her left arm raised high with unpowered prog-knife in hand. Keep cool…I could push past that. My only hope of winning was to stick to my guns.

Stand and fire.

Need a kill shot. Slave target to entry plug. A few moments to plot. I held my breath, bracing for impact. Indicators flashed green, ready to shoot. I squeezed the trigger. Asuka struck.

“I win!” the pair of us yelled.

I hit her. I'm sure I hit her…. Before she hit me.

The computers gave their verdict.

1-shot. Armour: Neck 116658-119945. Armour destroyed.

2-shot. Penetration: Neck. Laceration of carotid artery. Severe haemorrhage. Stabiliser control fail

3-shot. Armour: Face 123578-123692. Armour destroyed. Primary vision systems impaired.

Shit.

And for Unit 02, a crushing formality.

Prog Knife: Puncture Armour115001. Entry plug puncture .Pilot deceased.

Arse… that was that. Her face appeared on the display beside me. Haughty, smug…

Sorhyu; ”Nice try, but you're still green Nagato,”

“Nice win,” I transmitted, trying not to sound bitter about it. At least I made her work just that little bit for it…. Just that little bit.

Ibuki; “EVA Unit 03 has been defeated by Pilot kill. Battle time, 37.62 seconds.“ Maya made it final.

Both EVA's stepped back from each other. Deep breath. Don't feel so bad, I told myself. I made my point with the first battle. It still didn't feel like it.

Katsuragi; “Sorhyu win's two to one,” pronounced Misato, “Nice work Asuka, that's what we expected. Nice shooting Noriko, our visitors were impressed,”

And praise from our guardian made me feel better all over again. Asuka was expected to win, it was nothing special… but I managed to score an upset just once.

Sorhyu; “Well it wasn't exactly difficult,” she gloated.

Asuka killed my good feelings.

Langley; “If it wasn't difficult, why did she beat you that first time?” her father cut her down “You lost once, and came dangerously close to losing a second time. Nagato is a trainee, and she still came close to beating you,”

I wasn't sure whether to be glad she was getting put in her place, or terrified at what she would do when she got home. The deer-in-headlights look on her face was priceless, however. But what else was she expecting? He was the sort of parent who'd always find a flaw in their diamond child.

Soryhu; “But she didn't win,” she argued, “It doesn't matter how close she was, the gulf between first and second place is vast and infinite, like life and death. Remember you told me that?”

Yep, that's exactly where she got it from.

Langley; “Not when you're relying on an accident of position to win… Nagato's last shot was three meters away from disabling your EVA. She should never have even gotten the chance to fire,”

Katsuragi's voice rose over him “This isn't the time, Don't you have a test schedule to run, doctor?”

Sorhyu was seething, humiliated.

Johnston; “Yes, yes,” concurred the General, “An interesting display from both Lieutenants. However, we are here on business.”

It took a few minutes to recover Unit 02, Kyle being kept away from radio channels the entire time. The Americans were discussing things in their own distinctive drawl, while I was guided through preparations by the bridge bunnies.

Asuka got to go for her shower, I had another half-days testing ahead of me. That'd put me getting home to near midnight… and I still had a day's training tomorrow. The glamorous life of a teenage mecha pilot…

Sorhyu; ”Better you then me Noriko.” She offered as Unit 02 dropped below the surface, “Good shooting,”

I really couldn't tell if she was teasing her not, her accent threw me off.

I…I

Six hours in, and I got a break to get something to eat. EVA pilots do not live on LCL alone. I think I only got the break because Unit 03 had to be returned to the cage to fit supporting framework for the railgun.

It gave me about a half hour to get a reheated meal from the canteen…. Complete with desiccated rice, and gelatinised curry that'd been left sitting under a heater lamp for far too long. Food was food, and it was break from the raw-steak left in sun all day taste of drying LCL. The smell turned the stomachs of everyone in the canteen.

The glamorous life of the teenaged mecha pilot.

Otherwise, I was in good humour. Blowing things up had that effect, even if half were just simulations. I could tell myself I'd done well against Asuka…even if I hadn't won. I'd impressed the visitors. Kawaoru still lingered in the back of my mind, but I could sit on him. I was in the girls locker room, proof from males.

For the first time, I might've been thankful of my body.

Second time, I corrected, catching my reflection in a mirror. The plugsuit was the first… and not for the fanservice… it was strictly a comfort thing.

Mostly a comfort thing.

The door buzzed open behind me, but I heard no-one enter. Must be Rei… Should that be wreith? It buzzed shut again.

“Nagato-san, we have matters to discuss,”

I nearly screamed. I nearly turned to face the owner of that voice, and I nearly thumped him one in the face.

“What do you want?” I snapped, clenching my hands into fists. Fingernails bit sharply into palms.

“To talk, as I said,”

“About how you're going to send me home?”

Can I go home?

“I don't know why you're being so hostile, it was you who wished for this, was it not?”

What? I spun around to face him, to face those awful red eyes. Fear warred with fury. Fury at been taken from my life, being turned into this… and fear because he had the power to do this.

“I didn't wish for these!” I pointed to my chest.

“You wished to live,” he said. A pause… “Ah, I see you do not remember. Such is the human mind sometimes,”

Uneasily, I stepped back. A creeping fear crawled over my body, feeling about ready to throw up. Why didn't I remember that? Was it something that happened to Noriko, instead of me?

“You remember, one object in motion will remain in motion unless an outside force acts upon it?” Nagisa jumped tracks, “You are the outside force, Noriko. You are the new element in this cycle,”

“Cycle?”

“Yes. Everything is a cycle, one of death and rebirth. It ends with the third and always starts with the two. Humanity and the Angels are locked together, doomed to repeat the same events, over and over, never moving forward. You are our attempt to break it, Nagato-san,”

Swallowing my fears, I steadied myself. “You want me to stop Third Impact?”

Obviously, that's what all self-inserts do.

“Yes,” he nodded,

“But you're an Angel,”

“Yes,” he nodded once again, “However, a long time ago, a Shinji Ikari showed me that humanity does not deserve to be destroyed. Since then, I work towards his happiness. I have been his friend and enemy. Her lover and his companion. Every iteration I have been with the Third in some way. Every iteration has ended with his will, and the next begun by his will.”

Shinji wished for the world to end. The End of Evangelion. Everybody can just die. I should just die to. As long as people are alive, they have the chance to be happy. I am myself… One more final (I need you). It ends with the Third, it ends with Shinji. Two on the beach, it starts again

“I see you do understand. I could not break the cycle on my own, however, you have the knowledge of past iterations to help you know how to effect this one.”

“How?”

“If what you call Third Impact is prevented, the cycle will break. If Third Impact occurs, the next cycle will continue. If an Angel triggers Third Impact, the cycle will break. But the lilin will be destroyed. Shinji will be destroyed.”

Ever feel like you've just been shot? Taking a deep breath, I ran a gloved hand through my gummy hair. Alright… my job is to prevent Third Impact anyway, isn't it?

“Then do I go home?”

My voice was almost meek. Nagisa just looked at me, with murderous curiosity, as if he didn't inderstand.

“Hmm, the human mind is strange, sometimes,” he mused aloud.

“What the hell sort of answer is that?” I yelled, “I mean, you bring me here, do this to me, “ I pointed to my chest.. again, building momentum. “You tell me that I'm supposed to save the world and save Shinji and stop Third Impact and break some fucking metafuckedup cycle, then don't even tell me if I get to go home afterwards…. Who the hell do you think you are?”

I felt the sting in my palm before I heard the glove-against-skin crack. My own hand dropped slowly to my side, a red palmprint rising on Nagisas cheek. He stood there silent, considering… unconcerned.

“Just get the hell out!” I blasted, pointing to the door.

“I see,” he said, unbothered, “Good luck, Nagato-san,” He turned his back to me, strolling out the door. I heard him start to hum, before it buzzed shut behind him, leaving me alone. I stood there, shivering with anger.

God damn that fucking angel.

God damn him for doing this to me.

Resting my head against the cool steel locker door, I closed my eyes, felling a few hot tears trickle down my checks. Why did he dodge the question? Why did he look so puzzled? Unless he never expected me to want go home…

I might have to spend the rest of my life as Noriko.

What did he do to me?

What the hell did he do?

Why can't I remember it?

Deep breath. Just hold on. Hold it together. Feeling the sting in my palm, another thought rose in my mind.

I slapped Kawaoru. I slapped him like a girl would.

Screw it. I don't need this right now… I still have work to do today. Then there's that bloody box, my own self identity, Ritsuko thinking I'm nuts and the rest of the bloody Angels to boot. We could still lose and die anyway.

I think that was everything.

“Pilot of Unit 03 to Cage 05,”Announced the tannoy, “Pilot of Unit 03 to Cage 05,”

Duty called.

I left the locker room, half expecting to be ambushed by Nagisa. Relief. I might have to spend the rest of my life as Noriko... Can't think about that now.

I might have to be the Fourth Child for the rest of my life.

I will never...

“Lieutenant Nagato,” General Johnston was waiting by the cage door. “I've been wanting to talk with you,”

I nearly launched myself out of my plugsuit.

“Uh... General.” Am I supposed to salute him? I did anyway, just in case... a little awkwardly. He did the same, properly. “What is it?”

“I just want you to let you know how impressed we were with your performance today, along with your comrade. I can see our future's in good hands,”

I wasn't in the mood for compliments. “Thanks,”

“Based on what I've seen here, I see no reason not to recommend to congress that Unit 04 be released to NERV. Though, I wasn't likely to refuse anyway, Project-E means a hell of a lot more to the United States than many of our politicians would like to admit.”

Please, no lectures... I'm really not in the mood.

“Building these two machines has almost single-handedly resurrected American heavy industry. It has given a lot of people hope for the future for the first time in over a decade. Money from his Angel-War is driving the recovery back home. NERV and UN contracts have already rebuilt Detroit and Pittsburgh…. They're putting food in a lot of people's mouths. People are buying cars again, homes, TV's, people are saving for a future they're starting to believe is possible. These contracts are dragging our country up by it's bootstraps, rebuilding the economy into something that can sustain itself for the first time since Y-two-k.”

“Congress may not like the idea of our country's safety being dependant on foreigners, maybe even on a people we once beat down. They're thinking in old fashioned terms, reminiscing on a world that passed into history on September 13th. If the Second Impact taught us one thing, it is this… we all depend on each other for our survival. Politics, religion, race, none of these things matter anymore. Humanity is at stake, not just Life, Liberty, the United States, a bible and a one-dollar gallon of gas. As a nation we can't afford to shirk our responsibilities to the world we live in. As Franklin said, we all hang together on this, or we will surely hang separately.”

He smiled at me...

“And you pilot, we have given you all the support we can give. A hundred million people back home are relying on the people here to do their jobs. They're relying on you to give them the future they've started to believe in once more. We've done our part, we've done our best for you, please do your best for us,”

A heavy hand fell on my shoulder... damn he made me feel small. And didn't he say something similar earlier?

“I will,” I said, weakly.

“Feeling tired?”

Feeling pissed off.

“Yeah,”

“Well, keep your head up. And Good luck,”

“Thanks,” I said again.

He left for the command centre, to oversee the rest of the testing. That was something I could've done without. I could get back to the apartment and curl up in bed with my own warm blankets. Bring on tomorrow, maybe I could feel better then.

Unit 03 was waiting for me... still with tufts of Geofront embedded in the gaps between armour plates and a few new paint scrapes thanks to Asuka. She'd lost one shoulder pylon, and replaced it with a steel scaffold. Blankets will have to wait, and LCL-filled entry plug beckoned.

It would have to do.

I might not be able to go home, but at least I have EVA.

6 hours to go

I…I

It was past midnight again we were finished. The Geofront had switched to late shift, lights dimmed throughout the complex. I showered and changed on auto-pilot, before getting lift home from Misato.

Tokyo-3 at night was a dark city… few if any of the buildings had anything but the most basic lights… just a few red beacons for the benefit of low flying aircraft. The streets were empty… utterly dead… not a sinner out for a stroll. If you wanted nightlife in Tokyo-3, you took a taxi to old Hakone.

Armaments building Gamma-31, containing pallet rifles, went past. I knew from my studies that we were on 31-st street. We could turn left onto 22nd and find a powerpoint, a recovery/launch point and an emergency blast shield. Right, was a positron gun in building Kappa-31 and another blast shield.

Tell me any street in this city, and the first thing that came to mind where the munitions, power and recovery points within a three street radius, before anything of the normal stuff normal people might care about, like pubs or shops or friends home's.

Confirming my knowledge of the city's weapons helped keep my mind off other things.

“So, the Americans were real impressed by you two today,” Misato tried to make conversation, “All things going well, Unit 04 should arrive in about 4 weeks,”

I nodded, not really in the mood for talking.

“We had a hard time convincing them you'd only trained for a month, Noriko.”

Well, I did little else. A silence. The engine burred away happily to itself.

“Did you get to talk with Nagisa?”

I shook my head, lying. “I not want to,”

I could see my sullen reflection watching myself back through the car window. The rest of my life, seeing that reflection.

“You two do have to work together, you know? You're expected to have a good relationship with him,”

Six months? Sixty Years? Sixty years, when I can't even get six weeks. I'd grow up, like any other girl. I'd grow old, like any other woman. I'd never be myself again.

She was starting to get annoyed, “If you're not feeling talkative…”

“I just tired,” I stated.

The rest of my life as Noriko Nagato. No family, none of my friends, none of my accomplishments. Just that girl in the window.

“Well, the tests ran long so I guess you should just go to bed. But, tomorrow after training when you come home, we're going to go through that box. This is something you have to deal with,”

And maybe tomorrow, I might lose myself entirely .

“I can't go home,” I said softly, voice cracking.

Misato sighed, and focused on driving the car. Noriko has no home and neither do I. Noriko has no family. I'll never see mine again. The car swung left.. hard… accelerating down 44th street, past recovery route 44-Delta.

I wanted to go to bed.

I wanted to sleep. I wanted to stay in bed as long as possible. I wanted to get today fucking over and done with, and get on with tomorrow.

Training… I could still look forward to training. The comfort and peace of an entry plug. I stand corrected… Noriko did have family, she still had her mother. And the EVA treated me like her own daughter.

A right turn, and a familiar apartment building rose up in front of us. Misato parked up in her usual reserved space, cutting the engine. The old machine creaked a little as it started to cool in the night air, the woman beside me taking a deep breath.

“We're home, Noriko,” she said.

I'm ashamed to say I didn't catch it at the time.

I…I

A quick grope on Sunday morning confirmed the worst. Fuck it, I had work to do. Get showered, get dressed, get a breakfast and get to work. I ran through most of the day on autopilot. My sync-rate dropped… Akagi was an arrogant bitch who assumed I was doing it deliberately, which made it worse. I slogged through my language training, and enjoyed a good run around the Geofront.

My mood had improved a little bit, even if I wasn't exactly looking forward to the upcoming talk with Misato. I was clinging to my sanity for dear life, but I was still holding in there. I can't go home anymore… alright… I can deal with that. I'm mature and adult enough to deal with that.

I might have to spend the rest of my life as Noriko. I might be able to live with that….in time.

I wasn't happy, but I wasn't outright in a depression either. What problems I had, still seemed like I could surmount them. There was a light at the end of the tunnel.

Half hour after getting home, and I was still wearing my sweaty clothes. Asuka was busy changing, Misato was murdering Komm Susser Tod…of all things…in the shower, having only gotten out of bed. I'd finished a days work, and she was just getting out of bed. Shinji was happily engrossed in a bubbling pot.

“You really beat Asuka yesterday?” he asked, sipping soup from a ladle.

He didn't believe me. A spark of pride flared.

“Yup,” I smirked at him behind his back.

He threw me a disbelieving look over his shoulder, grey eyes glaring, lips pursed into an almost feminine pout. Except for the few teenage straggles of black hair sprouting along the top of his lip.

“How?”

“I shoot Asuka in entry plug. Pilot kill. She not even know I have gun.”

I recognised the tone in my own voice… it was suspiciously like the one Asuka liked to use when explaining the details of her latest and greatest micro-success.

“Hmm… and the second time?”

“eh?”

“It was best two out of three, so you won twice to beat her, right?”

“Uhhhh….”

The boy sighed

“So you didn't really beat her, you just won one match then,”

He was so disappointed.

“I train for 1 month. She 10 years.” How do I explain this? “I expected lose all three but have win 1 upset.”

“Huh?” the boy gave me a puzzled look. The only thing worse than my Japanese was Misato's cooking. “You only trained for a month and were expected to loose all three, but you scored an upset by winning one,”

“Yes!” I beamed.

“Well of course you beat her Noriko,” he said, his tone in that disappointed matter-of fact he always used, “you used a weapon she didn't even know you had. When she did know, she beat you, didn't she?”

Every silver lining had to have a cloud with him, didn't it?

“You beat Asuka?”

“She beats me.”

Was that a joke? I chuckled gently, earning a soft smile from him for the trouble. It was a warming smile, in a way I couldn't quite understand. Maybe he was finally at ease with me? A peaceful quit closed in… or as much quiet as possible with a crooner in the shower, and a German missing her favourite dress.

“Have fun at Kensuke game yesterday?” I kept the conversation rolling, after taking a few minutes to consider a new subject. The more we talked, the less time I had to dwell on other things

“It was fun but…” there was always a but, “The game he wanted to play was….weird. It was some future thing, where we all played teenage pilots of some monstrous robot. Umm…” he put his finger on his lip as he thought. “Engels, they were called,”

“Sound familiar,” I burred. In more ways than one. I knew the game, I also knew what that particular part of that particular game had been based on. Irony was fun. Following that though, had Shinji ever played Warhammer? Reassuringly, I remembered that fanfic.

“I don't go to those games to do the same thing I do every week,” he said, “That's why I liked the dungeon one,”

“You like game?”

I meant it as `You like gaming?”

“Not really,” he answered, “I don't hate it. It's pretty dull but, it's fun to be with friends and not worry about EVA,” One thing I had learned about Shinji was that his true feelings only ever followed a `but'. “One of the society members..uh… Haruhara-kun… says he talked to you during the week actually,”

Haruhara? Who was that?

“Kyonichi Haruhara, an upperclassman. He said he'd met you…”

The penny dropped

“Oh, Kyon!”

“You know, he hates that nickname,”

I nodded.

“He only puts up with it because of that girl whose parents were killed by the Third Angel. He has a crush on her,”

He didn't seem too bothered by that… surprisingly. Wasn't he supposed to be all mopey and blame himself for things like that? I guess he got over it… Shinji in life wasn't Shinji on TV. He was just another 14 year old boy with parental issues, who happened to pilot a 30 story biomech on weekends.

He was a good person to live with. He was kind, courteous... a half-decent cook, and he could give as good as he got from Asuka... but only when pushed. I mulled that though over in my mind for a bit, considering it along with an old quote about how Shinji was just an ordinary teenager, dealing with his burdens much the same as any other ordinary teenage would.

If Shinji's an ordinary teenager, what does that make the rest of us?

Asuka has been training to fight since she was four, Rei is... well Rei. I'm... well I'm not sure what the hell I am anymore. And Kawaoru's actually an Angel, who I still hate for doing this to me in the first place.

He's the reason I'm a girl. He's the reason I can't go home.

“Did you meet the new pilot, Noriko? What's he like?”

Nice timing, Shinji. I growled bitterly. “He is psycho. Complete total weird.” Remembering how Kawaoru had said he was all for Shinji's happiness, what better way to get back at the Angel than to turn Shinji against him? To make Shinji fear him. “Trust me. Kawaoru very dangerous. Act nice , but evil inisde. He say love but not even understand. He smile with no feeling behind. He walks into girls room with no permission. He is dangerous.”

I didn't realise how loud I'd been, until I noticed the startled expression on Shinji's face. Nervously, he rose his hands “Sorry, I don't understand, you.”

“How could you not fucking understand me!” I shrieked in my own language, stunning him. “ He's a bastard. He screwed with my life. He... He...” what the fuck did he do? “…Killed Kittens!” What the fuck could I tell Shinji? Why was I crying?

“Noriko,” he whispered, fearfully.

“Ah..” Deep breaths. Squash it down. I've just gone and taken it out on Shinji, haven't I? “Fuck it!” I kicked the table away from me and stood up. Another deep breath. Just hold on.

I decided to hide in my bedroom.

Shaking, I dropped to my knees on my bedroll, before burying my face in my pillow. Nice one, I congratulated myself. Shinji was probably standing there still wondering just why I'd gone off on him.

Asuka was fiddling with her underwear beside me.

“What did the idiot do now?” she questioned.

“Nothing!” I spat.

This was all Nagisa's fault. He did this to me, he put me in this mood, and this mood is why I got so pissed off at Shinji even though he did nothing to deserve it.

“Wow, I thought you had your time of the month last week,”

“Shut up, Asuka”

The glare I gave her promised death. It didn't even faze her.

“Jeez, what got your goat? You've been acting weird since yesterday,”

“Nagisa.” I grunted.

“What?” she blinked, “He's just a weirdo. You got to learn to take things like that in your stride and not get so pissed off at them,”

“Oh yeah, like you're one to talk about not getting pissed off at people,”

“That's different!” she snapped back at me, “Those people deserve it. However, getting annoyed at Shinji for being an idiot, is like getting annoyed at the rain for being wet,”

Why did it always go back to Shinji?

“Never stopped you,”

“Well sometimes rain can still be annoying, Fourth Child. Like when it forgets your lunch or goes rooting around in your underwear,”

She's the one who expects him to wash it, but complains when he touches it....and doesn't see a problem with that. And then complains about how Misato is so conceited.

“Just forget about it,” I groaned, turning away from her.

“Fine... though your problems are only going to get worse if you keep closing yourself off,”

Hey kettle, you're black, said the pot.

I could hear Misato and Shinji talking outside, having a profound chat about the mysteries of teenage girls' feelings, why they seemed to have no relation whatsoever to the topic at hand, and reassuring him that it probably wasn't his fault. She then offered him money to spend the next few hours with his friends, at the arcade or watching a movie. Not being the idiot Asuka always said he was, he gladly accepted.

She has to pay him, to go out with his friends? No, the money was just so he wouldn't be wandering around the city with nothing to do.

I had two friends... one who I only saw at school, and another who might not quite be. I did have Motoko's IM, but there wasn't anything I could really talk to her about. For one thing, I couldn't use the Japanese language options on a keyboard. It wasn't like I could talk to her about my problem anyway, as Shinji had found out, any mention of the Evangelion, NERV, or the pilots on the phone and the call would be cut off automatically by the Magi. I couldn't talk to Asuka, all I'd get back would be a face full of scorn.

“Have fun Shinji,”

Misato's voice, loaded with saccharine cheerfullness. Thanks for the reminder, instead of a soothing chat with friends, I was facing a sanity searing stroll through Norikos past life. Could I hide from the impending mindfuck under my pillow?

It wouldn't hurt to try.

Asuka finished dressing herself, while I searched for something to do while hiding under my pillow, some excuse not to go outside. A Gunsmith Cats manga I'd acquired would do…a big thick tankobon to hide for a few hours with and pretend I was learning Japanese by reading the kanji.

Sorhyu stopped at the door before she left, and sighed.

“Hikari wants to buy a new pair of shoes, so we're going to Red-Star mall. I know you don't like these things, so you probably don't want to come anyway…” Translation: She didn't really want me to come herself, “…But if you want to come, you can,”

Why did she ask me, if she didn't want me to come? Why did it sound like she was being forced at gunpoint?

“Thanks,” I said. It sounded like torture. No more torturous than staying under Misato's mercies. There was no torture in the bedroom. “I'll stay here,”

“Fine, suit yourself,” she huffed, slamming the door behind her.

I was alone. A comfortable solitude. Another breath… I'm alright, I told myself. I am okay. The sun will still rise tomorrow, tomorrow will be a new day. I can see my friend tomorrow. I'm doing fine.

I'm even picking up Asuka's ability to lie to herself, and fall for it. And in only six weeks too!

That thought drew a dark chuckle. Kawaoru's little hint that I'd be here for the rest of my life had been a punch to the psychological face, but I could take it. Wasn't it only yesterday I was worrying about getting so used to being a young woman, that I'd have a hard time being a man again? Now I never have to worry about that again….

Oh God…

My mood crashed. A funerary silence settled in, Misato disrespectfully shuffling around outside. Some silence for the departed please, I'd like some time to mourn the man I used to be. And perhaps, the person I am now, depending on what happens when Pandoras box is opened.

If the worst happened, would I just wake up tomorrow the same as always. I'd look at myself in the mirror, and I might never notice that something was wrong. I might miss my Father, or her Mother. I might feel the aching loneliness of being an orphan. I might quietly borrow some make-up while wondering why I didn't have my own.

Would I even realise it at the time, or would it be like another switch being thrown in my mind? Would I have time to panic, to scream inside my mind as I feel myself dissolve into her for the last time

Would I be her, but knowing I used to be me? Would she have my memory to help her, the same as I can get some of hers? I live in her, the way she has sort of lived in me.

Or would it be a psychological stewpot? An overboiled morass of memory turning my brains into mush. I'd spend the rest of my life in a nut-house not knowing who or what I am from one moment to the next.

Alright… maybe waking up in the morning thinking I'm Noriko, and always have been Noriko from day one, isn't the absolute worst outcome. It wouldn't be the best, either.

Like a condemned man, waiting for the final walk to the electric chair… would I feel the lightning in my brain?

Misato knocked on my door, “Noriko, it's time.”

As sombre as an executioner. I curled into my bed, keeping quiet. Maybe if I'm lucky, she'll think I've fallen asleep.

“Noriko,”

I'm waiting, in my cold cell, when the bell begins to chime.

Reflecting, on my past life, and it doesn't have much time.

I think… I made a point to pirate that album again, if I was still myself when this was over. I bought it once in another universe, I'm not buying it again.

“Noriko-chan, I know you're awake,” she chuckled, “I can hear you breathing,”

Damn. Just how good was her hearing?

I groaned into the pillow, “Alright,” Pushing myself to my feet, I would face my final fate like a man. I was hot, wearing sweaty sportswear after jogging home and my boobs were itching so bad I had to scratch.

Opening to door with a nervous look on my face, a twist in my gut and single hand up my t-shirt, I was met by Misato's soothing smile.

“Are you ready, Noriko?”

I shrunk back, “No,”

“Well, this has to be dealt with. Now is as good a time as any. Trust me, it's the best for you.”

I didn't believe her. For a few moments, I considered kicking and screaming, throwing a childish tantrum but I had more self respect than that. It'd be a reason for them to disqualify me as pilot of Unit 03 aswell. What did I value more; my Sanity, or my Piloting?

Piloting.

Shivering, I took a seat at the kitchen table, hiding behind the cardboard box on the table. Cold chills ran through my body while my executioner dug a beer out of the fridge for herself. I needed some dutch courage.

“May I?” I requested, weakly.

She gave me a questioning look for a moment, before reaching for a second can.

“Just the one. This stuff's not for kids you know.” She smiled, placing the can on the table in front of me.

Condensation glistened on the golden surface of the tin. Salivating, I cracked it open, a gaseous hiss inviting me to drink deep. That smell, that glorious malty smell… it felt like a lifetime since I'd last had a drink.

In one way it was.

One sip to cool malty heaven. Misato might scream for joy, but I just nestled myself down into warm alcoholic satisfaction, exhaling a long satisfied sigh. A proper drink made me feel like an adult.

Another mouthful…

“Slow down, Noriko,” chided Misato, “That's the only one you're getting. Ritsuko would have my hide if she found out I let you drink,”

“Thanks,” I spoke into the can. Just one can wouldn't be enough to get me drunk, or even enough for an alcoholic buzz. It was more the act of drinking that calmed my nerves. Minerals were too sweet and tended to excite, we were out of good tea, and Tokyo's tapwater was clean but tasted bad.

Misato was busy figuring out how to start, while I was wondering if I shouldn't just dive into the box

“Noriko, I'm going to tell you a little about myself first. So just listen for now,” her expression darkened as she took one long swig from her can.

“When I was your age, my father brought me with him on one of his research expeditions, to Antarctica. I was so excited to go, I've always had a thing for penguins,”… Pen-Pen waddled in, looking jealously up at his owner's beer…. “I was there when Second Impact happened,”

She gave me a moment to stare open-mouthed. I felt guilty for not being able to. She drank some more, as she started rooting around in the darker parts of her mind. She took a long breath, and started again.

“I was in my cabin… I wasn't allowed into the actual laboratory… when the first flash happened. It was like lightning, pin-kon, flash and bang. I had just enough time to run to the window to see what it was, when the shockwave arrived and blew the glass in and threw me across the room. That's how I got this scar,” she pointed to her chest. “It tore me up,”

“I thought it was a nuclear bomb at first,” she scoffered at the idea herself “....some sort of attack. I managed to run outside the cabin, to look for my father...to look for a shelter. I was outside just in time to be caught in the second blast. It just picked me up and threw me against a wall, knocking me out. I thought I was dead.”

“The next thing I remember, I'm looking up at my father's burned face as he carries me. I can…see the skin blistered. His clothes were torn…. Bits of him hanging off” She stopped, suppressing a chill, “Before I could say anything, he put me in an escape pod, before handing this cross…”…the one she still wore around her neck… “…to me. He closed the hatch. It opened again, an hour later… I hoped he'd be there still but… “ her eyes shimmered, “…there was nothing but a hot boiling ocean,”

She was right on the edge. Why was she doing this? What was I supposed to say to her? I didn't even know what I was feeling. She was showing her most vulnerable side to me… if I said the wrong thing, she'd hate me for it. Words came to mind, but they just seemed hollow and fake, going through the motions.

It wasn't that I didn't care, it was just…. Nothing she said was really news to me.

“I was picked up three days later, by a resupply ship” she continued, “But, by that stage, my wounds and dehydration meant I was nearly dead. I was out cold for six months. When I came around, I didn't know who or what I was. I would try to speak, but nothing would come out my mouth. I'd try to tell them not to turn lights off and leave me in darkness, but I couldn't. For a time, I couldn't even remember myself… I had nothing, no past except what I remembered from the day I came around on that ship. I knew I was this thing called Misato Katsuragi, but what did that mean?”

“Over the next two years they did their best to rehabilitate me. I learned to read and write again. It was a German ship, so naturally I became quite fluent in the language. They weren't always nice about it… they forced me through a lot of doors I didn't want to go through, to work and move forward.”

“I hated them at the time for it, but I can see that they were only doing what they thought was best for me. Eventually, I was able to speak again, my first words were “Don't turn the light off,”… in German. My Japanese came back a little later. The whole time I was on that ship, however, I wanted to know what had happened to me, and who I'd been.”

“When I came back to Japan, it was time to find out. A friend of my father's… a man by the name of Kozuo Fuyutsuki sat me down one day, just like this..and told me it was time to find out who I was. By that time, I'd become quite secure in myself. I was no longer a thing, but a person. I'd build a new self, for myself.. and I was terrified that everything I'd worked so hard to regain since the Impact, might be lost if I ever found out to much about myself. I had become a new person, with my own experiences and opinions and feelings. When I realised what Fuyutsuki had planned, I thought it meant the death of me, in favour of some other person who'd died four years earlier. Something he said to me, however, changed my mind.”

“He told me, 'Do not think about what you might lose from this, by what you will gain.' Those last four years and the person I became because of them, would still be a part of me.”

“He took me to my old home, where most of my things had been boxed away. Memory didn't hit me like a tsunami, or anything like that. I was still aware of things coming back. Every day I knew a little bit more about myself. Some were good, some where bad. More and more, I felt like I wasn't losing myself, but becoming myself. Eventually, I wound up wishing the process would just hurry up and finish, so I could be that person again. The woman I became, is a mix of the girl I was, and the girl I had been before the Impact. I can still speak German without the traditional Japanese accent. I'm still afraid of the dark.” She chuckled lightly, “Those things from that time will always be a part of me.”

“I know you're different from how I was.. you didn't lose everything. There was enough of yourself left to build something of a personality. That's why I thought we could get away without any rehabilitation… I wanted to save you some of the pain I had to go through. You did better than Ritsuko expected you to,”

With a wry smile, Misato always knew how to make me feel good.

“So Noriko,” she cupped my hand tightly in hers, “Trust me when I say this, because I'm talking from experience. You will not lose anything. When you wake up tomorrow, you'll still be the same person you are today. You'll still be the pilot of Unit 03, and you'll still be hilariously ashamed of your newfound sexuality. In ten years time, you'll be a grown woman, but this time and this person you are now will still be part of you.”

She had a point.

But she was looking at me as she saw herself. I was literally someone else in another person's body. So that meant it didn't really apply, did it? I really could lose myself. I was losing myself. I was clinging on for dear life to everything I had ever been.

If I let go, would that all be gone?

Would I merge with her, like alloyed metals. There was a mushy stage as the alloys cooled and the grains of the metals sorted themselves out. But the final product was superior to both inputs.. for whatever purpose it was intended for anyway. My education and nerdiness, combined with Noriko's fitness and… whatever else…

I could be a shit-hot fit-girl mecha-pilot who happened to like animÃ© and manga, and could understand the jokes in XKCD. That didn't sound too bad. Fanboys all wished to meet one someday. I just didn't wish to be one.

Yes, XKCD did exist… it surprised me to find that it was only about seven or eight months ahead of where I remembered it being. The one with Summer Glau as the Pilot of the new Unit 03 made me laugh.

And I was distracting myself.

If this goes well… I'll still be myself.

Not that I believed it. Halfway through my own drink, I was still shaking. Misato had stood up to fetch a second and third for herself. Whatever happened, I was going to have to go through with it. To the end.

Sitting back down, Misato cracked a can, before rummaging in the box.

“Now, I'm going to talk a little about you, to fill you in a little on why I think you are they way you are. First, we have the Marduk report I received on you. Pilot's aren't normally allowed to read these, but my authority as Operations Director lets me decide otherwise,”

She pulled a grey folder from the box, and placed it on the table in front of me. I looked down at the cover,

Marduk Ausschuss
Viertes Kind: Nagato, Noriko
EingeschrÃ¤nkt

“I not speak German,”

“You don't have to,” she reassured me. “You should be able to figure out the important parts. First, tell me what you notice about your picture”

I opened the folder. First page.

Familienname: Nagato
Vorname: Noriko
Geburtsdatum: 11/11/00
Geburtsort: FlÃ¼chtlingslager Usui. Gunma, Japan

That was about all I could figure out quickly, before I saw her picture. Smiling and happy, as long haired as I was, wearing a familiar school uniform…

Gears in my mind cranked. With a start, I slammed it down onto the table, feeling a strange panic rush through me. The uniform was familiar... the same white blouse with crest and tartan skirt and been worn by every girl at my old school. Noriko'd attended the exact same secondary school as me.

“What the hell?” I breathed.

Scanning through the file, I started to look for something like an address. With my heart in my mouth, I found it. She'd lived literally two minutes walk from my old home, in an apartment block I knew well. Going to school every single day, she would've walked right past my front door.

Was that why Kawaoru chose me for this?

Or worse, were Noriko's memories bleeding into my own in a way I couldn't even realise.

“That picture was taken last October, by your school. As you can see, you've….grown.”

An impish giggle followed, but I wasn't paying attention to the pre-pubescent girl in the picture. Noriko's own memories could be screwing with mine, and I'd never even realise it. Once or twice they'd crashed into my mind and I'd realised it… but if there was a more insidious infection going on in the background?

“It seems you were a little bit of a late bloomer. Puberty might've kicked in for your body while you were unconscious, in the hospital. These are big changes to go through, even when you're awake. The mindset you woke up with was still that of a young girl while the body had moved on. Is it any wonder you're so afraid of your sexuality?”

What now?

“To suddenly wake up to an alien body, with alien feelings and desires must be scary. All these feelings are perfectly natural, for any girl your age. As you grow up and mature, you start to grow into them and the best way to grow into them is to start exploring them,”

Oh God

”I don't have feelings for boys,” I stated harshly.

“Oh yes you do,” she waggled a finger, “You probably just don't realise you do, but I can see the signs. For one thing, I've seen you staring at Shinji's crotch and butt while he was in his plugsuit,”

Beet red, I screamed “I didn't stare!”

I just wanted to see if anything…showed through. It was a technical curiousity. I just wanted to know how well a male plugsuit fit him, to confirm my theory about how uncomfortable it would be down there.

“Yes, you did,” she stated. “Asuka does it too. There's no shame in it, he is quite handsome,”

“I do not have a crush on Shinji,” I stated.

Yes Miss Tsundere, I believe you, you don't like Shinji at all. Christ, I really did sound just like Asuka when I said that and every EVA fan knows how she feels.

“I didn't say you did. But your body is giving off signals. Imagine for a second, Shinji holding you, his arms tightly around your back, his body warm and comforting against your tingling breasts. Your eyes close, you feel his mouth meet yours, the moisture of his long supple tongue sliding between your lips to met your own. Your first kiss. You feel one of his hands slowly slide down your stomach, working its way into your pants, his hard fingers sliding along your moistening…”

Resistance is futile… a hundred lemon fanfics mixed with my traditional nightime fun made it an easy mental image to generate, and a hard one to purge. Shinji's face, instead of Misato's, Shinji's fingers, instead of hers…

“Stop it!” I yelled, crossing my legs “Too much,”

“But you did feel something?”

“Embarrassment!” I spat. Why did she always get so fucking sexual when she was drunk?

“And?”

Oh God no. It was there, beneath the shame and the nausea, it was there. The first sparks of a feminine lust, a desire to feel Shinji's body touching mine, arms entwined. Looking up at my guardian, I was terrified…

I'd been expecting an assault on my self identity, not my sexuality. Well, my sexuality is part of my self identity, but goddamn, she really bypassed the Maginot line on that one. I hadn't expected it. I hadn't prepared for it. What else had she picked up from the Germans, other than the language and a love of beer?

“See…”

An old schoolyard rhyme came to mind… Noriko and Shinji up a tree… F…u..c..k…i..n…g. First comes the bump, then comes the marriage, then comes the baby in the golden carriage.

I swallowed half a can of beer in one gulp to purge that thought. Time for one last stand, time for the Samson option. It might squick the hell out of her, but it would be worth it to save my sanity.

“But I think of girls in bathroom. Sometime you,” I declared proudly. Yes, I fantasize about you Misato. Haha!

“So do I, from time to time. I used to fool around with Ritsuko in college,” she giggled dipsomaniacally, “Usually when we both got so drunk we couldn't stand and couldn't find anyone to come home with us. I used to think she was jealous of me and Kaji,”

Effortlessly defended against.

My body would eventually betray my mind…

She didn't give me time to let that fully sink in.

“Now, we move to your language. You were born Japanese, Noriko, and lived here until you were at least seven years old, before your parents were transferred to GEHIRN research division at Reeksurippu,” … Leixlip?... “in Ireland. Your father was an engineer at the production plant there.”

“The Intel plant?”

I'd had a job interview there once… and didn't like the place. No wonder Noriko lived near me, I lived near a train line that went almost to that plant's front door.

Misato smiled, “You remember?” I nodded. “It used to be. It was one of the few large scale semiconductor manufacturing plants to survive the Impact. Many of the components of the Magi are built there. That's not my point, though. My point is, your academic records show you as taking Japanese at school, and that you first learned English there. You lived in a Japanese household and probably spoke Japanese at home, yet you could only speak English when you woke up.”

She'd mentioned to Ritsuko that I was learning Japanese quickly… I figured it was just a case of necessity.

”That in itself is not unusual…A Croatian boy came out of a coma only able to speak the German he'd learned in school. He had to learn his native language from scratch. Now Noriko, you're learning Japanese a lot faster than if you were `learning' it. I'm pretty sure you can understand just about anything said to you, even if you have a hard time speaking back. Your language skills are coming back, all you have to do is let them.”

I hadn't even thought of that…

“It's not just your language skills. The report mentions some Athletic awards you won at school… and I know how much you enjoy running and your physical training.”

And I'd guessed that was where that came from.

“The process is already starting, we just need to help you along with it a little. Trust me, you'll be glad to have your memory back.”

“I not know. Do not want spend my life in padded cell,” I said, staring at the still-open Marduk report. Some gene sequences were circled in red.

“You won't.”

“What I mean. If I not settle on one identity. If memory not mix well?”

“The human mind is a very malleable thing,” she reassured me, “Your memories are already mixing. It's time to stir the pot”

Nothing like a healthy dose of paranoia when you're already worried you're going to wake up in the morning with the sudden desire to jump on Shinji's crotch.

“Now, Noriko… would you care to do the honours?” she nudged the box towards me.

I held up my empty can, shaking it from side to side. “More?”

“Sorry. One is enough for a young liver,”

Fair enough, but did she have to crack open her third one as she said so? The smell was making my mouth water. What I wouldn't give for another drink.

“Well,” I drew a long breath, “Here I go,”

Hand in, the first thing I grabbed was a plushie, Soft and furry. That tan Teddy bear. I'd seen it before. Calmly, I placed it on the table, it's beady eyes staring lifelessly at me. It was so soft I wanted to hug it. It still smelled of jet fuel.

“What is it?” questioned Misato “And how does it make you feel?”

“I don't know,” I answered the first question. “Um… Like it need hug?”

“Why don't you try?”

How weird. It was light, but oddly comforting to look down at those beady eyes. It seemed to wear a smile as it looked up at me through my cleavage. I hugged it tighter, it seemed to hug me back, squashing against my chest. I smiled, before feeling a shot of fear.

It was mine… or hers… but it felt like mine. It felt like a long lost friend.

“It's mine,” I said.

“It is. Everything in there, was either yours, or your fathers,”

Where did that feeling come from? I placed it back on the table, before rooting out the next item. Passports. Noriko's father, proud and dignified… very Japanese. Noriko was eleven years old in her picture… she even looked like a child. Her bright eyes, innocent of her fate…

Was this before, or after her mother died?

She died in 2012, answered my mind, a sharp pang of sorrow rising up. Another memory rose up, of a brilliant, sunny day…an old church… a coffin… the metal bracelet on my wrist. Placing the passports on the table, I started to fiddle with it, running my fingers over my own name engraved in it.

“You specifically went for that one, what is it?”

I answered before I knew I had one…

“My mom gave it to me. She sent it from the States right before she died, it's the last thing I have of…” the look of shock on Misato's face stopped me dead.

My mouth gaped as I realised just what I'd been saying, and where I'd been going.

“Go on,” Misato nudged.

The dams in my mind were leaking.

“I remember her calling me, saying she would be coming home. There was just one more test… “… the EVA fanboy suggested this might've been the activation test … “Then, a man called to the door. He was.” I could see him standing there. I knew him. I answered the door to him. “It was Ryoji Kaji who told me she was dead,”

And I've been afraid of him since I met him.

My lip was quivering, I was coming close to crying.

“That was his job, at the time.” She said, with a soothing softness. “What else do you remember about your mother?”

The Angel on the train.

“She cheated on my father. There was an argument at home. He slapped her, apologised, then left the house for an hour. She was crying, sitting on the countertop, saying she'd done something terrible, but that everything would be okay. She left for America shortly afterwards…”

I was…

Cold.

“And your father?”

“He kept his job. He didn't spend much time with me, he buried himself in his work. I asked him to do things with me, but he was always busy. Work Important for the human race… “… I could remember his voice saying it, deep and gruff with a rough edge… “… so I asked if I could help. He let me do his work with him,”

Oh crap.

And then, it stopped. The leak was plugged. I was sitting there, panting, half on the verge of tears, looking up at Misato's sympathetic visage. That was… that was exactly what I'd been afraid of. They wouldn't go away… they just sat there squatting in my mind, live and living large.

“Anything else?”

I didn't want to try it. I didn't want to drown under a torrent of memory. There was one… one thing.

“He was holding me when the plane crashed,”

I could feel myself cracking. He was dead. He died protecting me. But he was not my father. Don't forget that! He. Was. Not. My. Father.

That thought nearly killed me. Part of me was screaming at me, saying he was. Why am I denying my own father, it asked.

Shut up! I snapped at it.

I don't want this. I don't want to lose myself. I grabbed on tightly, anchoring myself in a memory I knew was my own. My college exam results.

“Harder memories come back first, but it'll get easier as time goes on. It's worth it in the end, you will feel better about yourself. Keep moving forward, Noriko, always keep moving forward.”

Noriko might feel better about herself. I might be Noriko. I might be dying inside in a way that'd need a philosopher to describe properly. Some crazy metaphysical crap.

Next step, Next item. Moving forward.

My…her father's watch. Tag Heuer. The face was cracked and scorched, from fire. The smell, I hadn't noticed it the last time. It smelled of metal, jet fuel and… meat.

I nearly threw up. Father or not, nobody deserved to die like that… not the man who held me and kept me safe as the plane went down.

“My father's watch,” I said. Nothing else came. The leak seemed to be plugged

But…burning to death, trapped in a wrecked aircraft…

“What is it?”

“Fire, after crash,”

He's dead. My father's dead. No he's not, he's my father. He's… damn it this is frustrating. I… I…. can't think straight.

“He wouldn't have suffered,” she offered, after a moments thought. She was trying… but it didn't make me feel much better.

Next on the list… move on before it can do even more damage. Deep in the packing foam, I rummaged. I grabbed something else, deep in the box. A hardcover book, I could feel the pages inside. I pulled it out, wondering what sort of book it was. In sparkling letters, printed in pink and purple.

`Girl's special diary'

Misato gasped, “A diary! That's perfect,”…My perfect doom…“How far back does it go?”

Cautiously, I opened the front page, and was met by Kanji carefully printed on the front page.

“Noriko, we bought you a diary for your birthday. One rule. Since you failed your English exam, you must write in English only, to help you learn. Love, Mom and Dad…”

I could read it… At least, I knew what it said. Feeling oddly curious, I flipped it over to the first entry. Written in faded blue ink in a slow, deliberate hand… like my own attempts at the Japanese alphabet.

“12/11/09

Dear diary. That is how these start. I hate Ireland. It rains a lot and is very cold. However some people are nice. Father at work. Mother at research. Me at school. School is hard.. my English not to good ïŠ. I hope I get better.

-Noriko

13/11/09

Dear diary. Bad day today. Failed Irish exam. Why they make me learn their language? A stupid language. Dead language. Schoolmates call it torture. It is. Teachers are like old Japanese people.

-Noriko

“

I chuckled. Every schoolchild in Ireland hated Irish. It was a universal experience. And arriving in country aged seven, she was lucky enough to get in right before the subject stopped being mandatory for foreigners.

What struck me was the tone of her writing… somehow, I knew she'd been happy when I'd written that. She'd been a happy child. Before her mother moved to America…

I was curious about the diary. It didn't seem so dangerous… the sequins and glitter glue on the front cover just looked silly. Feeling drained of energy, I placed the diary down on the table.

“That is all,”

“How do you feel?”

“Washing machine brain,” I answered. My head was still spinning. There was a lot to take in, a lot to analyse and understand.

I think I'm okay.

“Well, bathing is the washing machine of life, Noriko,”

I did need a wash, at any rate.

“Good long soak,” I concurred. A good long sleep, to boot.

Walking to the bathroom.. my legs were shaking. I pulled the door shut behind me, still clinging tightly to my sanity, and started to undress. In the mirror, the face I'd call my own for the rest of my life watched me.

Why did I strip naked before turning the tap on?

I had a few minutes padding around, while the bath filled. Water pressure was low today. I started to think.

Noriko was a girl. More to the point, Noriko had been an ordinary girl. Her body was female, the ery structure of her brain was female. It made sense then, that her body would start to find boys attractive, It made perfect sense…

And me, what am I then on top of this biological hardware. The idea of getting a good fingering from Misato still turned me on. But I was finding it hard to be attracted to other girls.

Other girls?

My mind wants to be attracted to women, my body wants men, and my body is charging right into the jaws of hell and puberty. These changes happen to my body, happen to the raw biology… they… they affect the mind aswell. I am growing into a woman's body. I am growing into a woman's mind.

These changes will happen to me, as they would happen to her

I am… I swallowed a lump… going to lose that part of myself. And short of tearing my insides out, there wasn't a damn thing I could do to stop it. Nature would run her course.

Tears were flowing.. but I still held on. I wasn't going to let this beat me. I am not going to cry.

My self will just be eaten alive from within. Noriko of Borg, my psychological distinctiveness would be added to her own. Resistance was futile. Those memories stirred by the box sat in my mind. My father… Noriko's Father. He held me as I died… held her…me..

I could see myself at my school, and myself was her… with the same teachers. Whose memory was that? I couldn't tell if it was straight from her, or a corruption of myself.

No matter what I did, I was eventually going to lose this fight, and then…

The dam burst, I dropped to the cold tiles, sobbing for my self, for my father… her father… and for a hundred other things I couldn't articulate in my mind Hiccuping, I tried to centre myself, tried to stop, but the result was just a horrid wheezing followed that hurt my chest.

I lasted six weeks.

I'll never go home. Noriko has no home. I'll never be me… I'll be this girl for the rest of my life. I'll be assimilated, I'll end up like Misato… I'll be glad to have found my true self when this is all over, when the man I really am is nothing more than a memory, remembered only through a few strange habits.

There was a knock on the door…“Noriko, are you okay?”

I tried to answer… I tried to lie, but what just came out was another wreaking sob. The door shot open, Misato standing there, looking down at me

“No,” I whimpered.

I was sitting naked in floods of tears on a bathroom floor losing my mind, how the fuck would I be okay? I watched her tear blurred form stand there, looking down at me.

She crouched down beside me, slowly placing a heavy hand on my shoulder.

“I never said it would be easy, nothing worth doing is. But hang in there, and remember, you are not alone,”

Not alone.

That… worked. Slowly, I stopped sobbing. I gasped for air, coughing roughly, rubbing at my eyes to try and clear my vision. Shakily, I forced a smile. I was grateful for her trying to help.

“Thanks,”

My voice was hoarse.

“It's my job, Noriko. I'm responsible for your wellbeing, physical and psychological. If it's affecting your ability to Pilot, I have to deal with it, or help you deal with it. The happier you are, the less anxious you are, the better Pilot you will be.”

So, I was just a pilot to her then? At least she was being honest…

“Like Shinji?”

She nodded, “I'd do the same for any of you, yes.”

The bath was still running. The floor was freezing cold. I was getting a hold of myself.

“Bath's ready. Take as long as you think you need,”

I lowered my head and listened to her leave. Finally… just before the bathroom started to flood, I reached over and turned off the tap. Hot water beckoned.

The rest of my life was ahead of me. Or her life. Our life?

I knew why lobsters screamed when they hit the pot… they were screaming with joy. Hot water caressed my body, soaking through to the bone.

It soothed the soul.

I still had those memories. They still sat in the front of my mind. I could move through them like my own, recalling the sites, smells and sounds. Did I lose part of myself when they came back? Not that I could tell… A flash of paranoia shot through my body, but the unease that followed dissolved away into the water.

It seemed Misato might be right.

When my… or her…whatever.. memory finally decided to come back full force, I'd still be in there. With a clear head, I could see that… this wasn't the worst that could happen. When all was said and done, I'd still be a person.

As time went on…if I didn't get killed or tang'd along the way… as I started to reach Misato's age, I'd be reaching the point where I would've spent the majority of my life as Noriko anyway. Then there's another how many years on top of that?

I'll grow up here.

I'll grow old, here.

My body's interest in the opposite sex will grow. I might even have a boyfriend some day… or marriage. And what comes with it.

I will be this person for the rest of my life. I will be this girl. I will be Noriko Nagato. I will be the Fourth Child, and pilot of Unit 03.

And I could accept that. I could live this life. There was no other alternative but to live. I'm not going to lose myself, I'm going to gain someone else.

This was the least worst outcome, after all.

And that was that… one step forward. I didn't feel good about it…. I might be giving up myself after all…. But my head was clear. The weight was off my shoulders. I will take things as they come at me.

The bath started to cool quickly. All good things must come to an end. I stepped out of the bath, catching my reflection in the mirror.

“Here's looking at you, kid,”

She smiled wryly at me. She is me, I am her… and that is that. I dried myself carefully, before wrapping a towel around my waist. I could hear Misato watching TV outside. The others hadn't come back yet… they'd be a while.

Pen-Pen shot through the door as soon as I opened it… the poor bird must've been bursting.

Misato was watching her afternoon soaps. Not wanting to disturb her, I just quietly shuffled towards my bedroom.

“Feeling better, Noriko?” came the question.

I winced. “Yes,… uh thanks.”

I was feeling better.

“Good.” She said. “Oh, and one more thing… you might want to cover your chest,”

Glancing down, I saw my own breasts, breathing the free air. I'd wrapped the towel around my waist… man style. To Misato's surprise, I started to laugh.

I would be alright… that proved it. I dressed myself, jeans and t-shirt, nothing too special. Same thing I wore every day. Beside my bed was the box, teddy bear sitting on top. It was over. I considered leafing through her diary… but I was just too drained to feel like I could do anymore. I set it aside for another day when curiosity struck me. InsteadI watched crappy soaps for a few hours.

Shinji was first back, followed a short while later by Asuka… who insisted on showing off her new high-heeled shoes to me. There was dinner, there was the traditional Sorhyu/Ikari argument. I watched Shinji… I watched myself watching Shinji.

What my body wanted, didn't matter… so long as I didn't have a crush on Shinji. Did I?

I felt…. Weird.

Maybe I felt like this all the time? I'm just noticing it now because Misato pointed it out to me. It might even have nothing to do with it. And besides, in no way did I want to get caught in the Asuka/Rei crossfire. And that's providing I ever decided I wanted a boyfriend. What the fuck did it matter what my body wanted? It was still my choice and if I didn't feel like it mentally, then that was that.

It was still my choice, in the end. Everything was.

I...I

Monday morning.

I'm still myself. I still had those new memories, they seemed to have settled themselves inside my psyche.

Asuka groaned beside me, curling up into her own blankets. I don't know how she'd managed to do it, but her panties had rolled halfway down her legs. All it did was remind me to make sure I was decent. You're a girl too, said my body. Rolling off my mattress, I pushed myself to my feet. My bracelet was still clamped around my left arm… in its proper place, and a muddy teddy bear sat beside my pillow. It was mine. Gathered my clothes for the day, I thought back on last night. Twelve hours earlier, I'd been sitting on the bathroom floor, bawling my eyes out.

Now, I felt fine.

And, Misato really did care for me.

I lingered on the warmth of that thought for a moment, while I tried to find a clean pair of socks. I found some black thigh-high socks…belonging to Asuka…. They'd do. My psyche raised a token protest, before it shrugged and gave up.

Garments underarm, I quietly slipped out into the living area, soft footsteps the only sound disturbing the silence. The motor in Pen-Pen's fridge clicked to life, whirring away as I padded past it. First up. First into the bathroom. First dressed and happy for it.

Gathering momentum, I pulled the door shut behind me, put my clothes on the hanger and turned on the shower. I still felt fine.

It came to life with a deep burr, followed by the gush of too-cold water. Giving it a few moments to heat up, I undressed, letting my nightwear to drop to the floor. A quick once over of my body told me that everything was OK. No mysterious bruises, or lumps…some stubble I'd have to take care of though.

That was something all pilots had to do, even Shinji. We weren't allowed have a single hair below the neck, for hygiene reasons. But that could wait until evening, after I'd finished training. That'd give me more time to luxuriate in the bath, rather than rushing to be done before Sorhyu battered down the door.

There were more than a few pleasures to be had from this `girl' thing, and I was quite happy to indulge in some of them. Showering was also high on that `fun things to do when your female' list. Along with the dirt and sweat of a night's sleep, went all my worries and fears…

Dragged down the plughole by thick white suds.

It never lasted long enough. Getting the tangles out of my long hair was a pain in the bollox too… even if I didn't technically have any. My own private joke made me smirk giddily. A little bit of my old self rearing its' head reassuringly.

Shinji was up. I could hear the boy pottering around outside.

It was a good morning. I felt good after my talk with Misato. I felt great after my shower, and even both male and female sides of my brain had decided to play nice with each other for the day. Maybe they'd reached an accord after last night?

Clean teeth, spray deodorant…. Remember to use the ladies one not Shinji's… having that pointed out while at school had been a bit annoying. Getting dressed was easier than it had ever been… Panties and Bra, blouse and bowtie, followed finally by the unique waistcoat and skirt combination uniform.

A rebel's yell rang through the apartment. Misato was awake and up. Asuka would follow soon. Time was running short. Finally, Asuka's black thigh-high socks. Checking all was buttoned up and looked reasonable, I stood up.

Then started laughing madly when I caught sight my reflection on the mirror hanging off the back of the bathroom door.

Long black hair. Lightly tanned skin. Pale, pastel uniform. A few inches of bare skin between hem of skirt and top of sock. If it wasn't for the slightly giddy face attached, it would've been the perfect character template for the traditional animÃ© tsundere. Steeling my expression, I tried to stare down my reflection.

The girl in the mirror stared grimly back at me.

“Boku wa, tsundere desu,” I said with deliberate coldness, “Baka Shinji,”

It sounded like “Bowkoo wah, sun-derry des”

If I was just a character in an animÃ©, at least I knew what kind I was supposed to be. The dark girl, her heart hardened by tragedy. Orphaned at a young age like her guardian, a mirror image of Misato perhaps? Unsure of herself, or her body, she's thrust into a world of giant robots and psychological torture, forcing her to come to terms with herself and her loss, while kicking ass and vying with Asuka and Rei for the affections of Shinji Ikari.

As Asuka opposed Rei, I was supposed to oppose Asuka. Darker, sadder and more melancholy. And also be sad and secretly achingly lonely because I couldn't get in Shinji's pants since I couldn't work up the courage to tell him how much I cared for him, because I was terrified that if I ever allowed myself care for another person again, they'd promptly up and die just to spite me. Or because I was afraid of being a woman…

Yes… the perfect character for Neon Genesis Evangelion. Or at least one of the silly spinoff games.

Another glance in the mirror, and I smiled. Both parts of my mind seemed to agree that it was a nice look for me. The male half made some half-hearted protests about the skirt, but I blew them away with a languid sigh. I felt great. I didn't really want to fight myself..

Maybe it was Misato's talk last night.

Maybe I was just plain getting used to it.

Maybe it was another few pieces of myself crumbling off into the abyss.

Shinji was outside. I thought back to what Misato'd said about me…about him…last night.

Did I have feelings for Shinji? Even just physical ones?

I blew that thought away. Whether I did or didn't, didn't matter. Even if my body wanted to, that didn't mean my I did. Same thing I told myself last night.

“Morning Noriko,” Shinji greeted me as I stepped into the kitchen.

“Morning,” I smiled back. Nope, no feelings.

So far, I was having a good day. Misato was busy doting on a half-asleep Pen-Pen, encouraging the bird to eat a breakfast. Not wanting the instant Miso Shinji'd prepared….he liked that stuff… I fixed myself some cereal and sat down.

Asuka came storming out.

“Hurry up, “ said Shinji, “I don't want to be late for school because you took twenty minutes to get dressed again,”

“Blame her!” she pointed at me, “She always takes my spot,”

“Get out of bed earlier.” I grunted, before crunching down on cardboard infused corn-snacks, drenched in watery `milk'.

“That's what queues are for.. so we don't have to argue over things like this,”

“Asuka,” said Shinji in that mildly disapproving tone of his, “I don't want to be late,” In other words, stop complaining and just get dressed already.

With a toss of her hair, she got the point, glaring daggers at the pair of us as she disappeared.

“How are you today, Noriko?” Misato questioned me.

“Alright,” was my answer.

“Shinji?”

“I had fun last night.”

The boy blushed, there was something more behind that, but he wasn't telling. Misato knew not to push. I wondered what he could've been doing with Kensuke and Touji that could make him blush.

A normal morning. God's in is Heaven, all's right with the world.

I paid the price for wearing black socks on the walk to the to school. The mid-August sun was baking the city. Already a ball of sweat, I wondered why I could hear people talking about Absolute Territory. Wasn't the AT-Field an official NERV secret?

How the hell did these kids know about it? MI-6 Agents had been placed in overcomplicated easily-escapable death-traps for even getting close to finding out about its existence…. Probably.

Girl's locker room… change shoes. I could hear Asuka chatting with Hikari.

“Hey Noriko!, nice look,”

I smiled, Motoko.

“They were what I find,” I shrugged.

“Dark socks, dark hair… A-Grade Absolute Territory. It suits you so well,”

There it was again.

“Absolute Territory, where did you hear that?”

I tried not to sound too interrogating. She stepped back, surprised.

“Fashion, it's the bare skin between skirt and stocking,”….as if everyone should know it… “Why, what did you think it was?”

“Absolute Territory is a NERV thing too. It's the shield the Angels and the EVA's have,”

“Oh,” she giggled. “Well, it looks good on you, especially when you pout. You look so serious and tsundere-ish. Boys will go ballistic,”

I winced.

“I not trying to.” Hands on hips. “I just wearing comfortable clothes,”

Or was I? Maybe biology was trying a backdoor exploit?

“Well, try wear it more often then,”

I would. But not because of `the boys', or anything like that. I'd do it because I liked wearing high socks. They felt a little like trousers, and to be frank, they did suit me.

Something had changed… I was too comfortable. Or I was just used to it now. It might be some combination of all three. No…

It must be something from last night. I'm wearing a skirt, and don't even feel awkward. I felt fine… I felt comfortable, like the male side and female side had finally found a happy medium between themselves.

And Noriko's memories…the one's I'd gotten last night…. They were there, just like my own. I felt a flash of fear… but… God help me it felt like a good change. My mind was clear, no feeling like the dam holding back Noriko's memories was about to burst and overwhelm my own. The pressure had come off.

I didn't feel like I had to guard my own mind from itself anymore. I didn't have to push back.

Maybe I should have a mild psychological break more often?

I took my seat in clase, a message from Kyon already waiting for me on my laptop

::When will you have that piece about the NERV conspiracy ready?

Oh, that.

::End of week. I have some ideas. Busy with real NERV work

Constructed with the aid of a Kanji dictionary

I was going to send her the truth… it was far weirder than fiction. And if I changed the names of a few people and places, it'd look just like a coincidence. Too close for comfort… Close enough to spook Commander Ikari even?

Rei was in her customary seat, having her customary staring match with a tree. Shinji and Kensuke were teasing Touji over white toothpaste stains on an unfortunate part of his tracksuit bottoms. Asuka was helping Hikari through last night's maths homework. Another school day…

This was… nice.

Until the whispers started.

“Who's that?”

“Is he new?”

“He's so bishounen,”

“What's with the hair? Is he a Grandfather?”

A new student? Grandfather's hair? Bishounen? A chill ran through my body. I looked up towards the door, hoping against hope that it wouldn't be.

It was.

Standing in the doorway, hands nonchalantly in the pockets of his black trousers, was him. I felt the anger rise up. Just because I'd accepted myself, didn't mean I felt good about what'd been done to me.

“Son of a fucking Bitch!”

And it had been such a good day, to start with. The entire class turned to face the outburst. Staring at me. Demanding explanation. I shrank sullenly back down in my chair.

“Good Morning everyone. My name is Kawaoru Nagisa.” He introduced himself with a low bow. “I am the Fifth Child, and Pilot of Unit 04.”… shigouki… “I look forward to our time together,”

Kensuke questioned Shinji. Touji questioned his sexuality. Asuka threw Hikari and snide comment. I hid behind my hands, while Rei just kept on trying to beat that tree, unbothered by the affairs of mere mortals. Hikari directed Nagisa towards a free seat at the back of the glass, before leading the class through the Rise, Bow, Sit routine as the teacher arrived.

“Good morning class,” the teacher greeted us, automatically, not even looking up from his papers. “I see we have a new student aswell. Welcome to the class, Mister Nagisa.” He adjusted his spectacles. “Since you're arriving in the class so late, your guardian won't have to come to the parent-teacher meetings this Friday. Ayanami, your guardian has indicated he is unable to attend, have him suggest an alternative time. Suzahara and Kazumi, we can push back to the twentieth. Nagato, Sorhyu, Ikari… I'll handle all three of you at once, since you share a guardian.”

Crap. Why me? I've only been here just over a week!

“Neither of you are doing very well. Just because you save the world, is no excuse for slacking on your studies,” he chided. Was there a wall missing a brick somewhere?

On top of Nagisa's appearance in class, there'd be an Angel this week.

I…I

And done.

Haruhi Suzimiyah, Cthulhutech, Absolute Territory… how do they exist when they all owe something to NGE somehow? Well…err…. That's a plot point, in a way... the fact that they exist and that Noriko/me recognises them from her previous life at all is kind of important.

A lot of stuff happened. I started this 3.5 years ago, and took nearly a year to do this part. It's hard to keep continuity straight. Given a chance, I'd probably squish this all down into 3 or 4 longer parts. I might do that if I post on Evamade in the near future.

A lot of stuff happened this chapter too. Quite a bit that's important to the story, either hinting at the truth about Noriko, or bringing a few things to a head. It's the nearly end of the beginning. Now the beginning of the middle. Next chapter, Noriko looses another important part of herself

Next Angel will be Mattariel.

Something interesting planned for Sahaquiel… probably involving nuclear weapons and orbital bombardment.

All the rest I have a good idea what I want to do now… I wrote a quick plot summary on the evageeks.org forum if you want to did it up. Should be under the thread title “New Perspective Evangelion 11... yes it *is* still going”.

Also recc'd on TvTropes a while back. Welcome Tropers.

Finally, don't be afraid to R'n'R. Or did you all think this thing was dead?

-Dartz