Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Shinchan in Wonderland ❯ Shinchan in Wonderland ( Chapter 1 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Jino Turtlegod 
An Angel attacks and Shinji is eaten alive by his EVA! No, not really. Just read it.
Anime/Manga: Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Adventure / Comedy / Hentai | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 10.13.2001 | Pages: 4 | Words: 3.9K | Visits: 3.3K | Status: Completed
An Angel attacks and Shinji is eaten alive by his EVA! No, not really. Just read it.
Anime/Manga: Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Adventure / Comedy / Hentai | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 10.13.2001 | Pages: 4 | Words: 3.9K | Visits: 3.3K | Status: Completed
With a groan (but it was closer to a moan) Shinji opened his eyes. ::That was one weird dream,:: he thought to himself as he sat up on his bed. He lifted his blankets and noted the aftereffects of the aforementioned dream. ::A reeaaally weird dream,:: he added with a goofy grin.
He went to his closet and got out his bath pail and toiletries, and a set of school uniform. ::Better get cleaned up before Asuka sees me,:: Shinji thought as he stepped out of his room with his stuff carried in a strategically concealing manner (what he was trying to conceal should be obvious. If you don't know what it is, then you're too young! SCRAM! This is an R-rated fic!!! hmm... maybe NC-17 is more appropriate... naahh...).
Shinji silently made his way past the lair of the sleeping ogre, who would probably tear him limb-from-limb if he dared interrupt her beauty sleep. Thankfully, Shinji was as quiet as a mouse (or contextually speaking, a ninja).
After listening for a few moments to make sure that Asuka hadn't woken up, he sighed in relief. And then nearly screamed in shock as he looked in the kitchen.
Misato was passed out on the floor, beer cans littered the area around her.
This in itself was _NOT_ unusual.
The fact that Misato was wearing a Playboy Bunny outfit was what surprised Shinji. White bunny ears - Check. White choker with a gold heart - Check. White cuffs on wrists with gold cuff links - Check. White bossom enhancing, lace-on bustier - Check. White stiletto heels - Check. White, high-cut bikini panties with fluffy white bunny tail... Definitely check.
Shinji tore his eyes away from his guardian and made sure that his bath stuff still concealed his front, since his guardian had brought back wisps of his _weird_ dream. Asuka would have probably killed him on the spot if she saw what was in his shorts.
Then the sound of bells tolling came to Shinji's ears. More to the point - the sound of Asuka's door sliding open. Shinji scrambled for sanctuary. In this case, the bathroom.
In his haste to get to the safety of the bathroom and out of Asuka's sight, Shinji didn't see the beer can he was about to step --- *CRASH*
... on.
"Ouchie..."
Fade to black.
***
Manga - Addicts Presents:
Shin-chan in Wonderland
A Neon Genesis Evangelion Fanfiction
***
Neon Genesis Evangelion created by, registered, and copyrighted to GAINAX Project EVA, Movic, and any other company and/or division associated with the creation and/or production of Neon Genesis Evangelion. A.D.Vision holds the copyrights to the English version of Neon Genesis Evangelion.
This work of fiction is not intended for any commercial purposes but was created for the entertainment of the Author and Fans of Neon Genesis Evangelion.
No copyright infringement was in any way intended.
Shin-chan in Wonderland written by Jino Turtlegod
WARNING: OFF SCALE OOC LEVELS, HIGH LIME CONTENT, (2) LEMON SCENES INCLUDED
***
R Rating. For mature readers only. Some scenes, themes, language, and situations are not suitable for younger readers. Reader discretion is advised.
***
Shinji was falling in a black void while there was creepy chanting sound in the background. Or maybe everything was just floating upwards. All right, so maybe 'black void' was not an accurate description...
Shinji blinked incredulously at the ridiculous amount of everyday stuff around him. Chairs, tables, beakers of water resting on medicine prescriptions lying on side-tables, wall calendars, Physics text books opened to the pages about thermal expansion, bowls for feeding pets named Pen-pen, used underwear...
*BLINK*
Shinji grabbed the piece of cloth - a pair of black lace panties. "This looks familiar," Shinji mumbled to himself (this was not strange since he does the laundry for the Katsuragi household most of the time).
He sniffed the feminine undergarment, "Misato? *sniff*. No, doesn't smell like beer and vaginal antiseptic, it has a fresher, more innocent bouquet..." (what exactly he does while doing the laundry...). "Asuka." He gave his expert opinion and nodded sagely. Then, after a quick look around to ascertain that said redhead wasn't in the area, he tucked the lingerie into the pocket of his school slacks and he began to whistle innocently as he looked about.
A tire, that looked like the brand Misato's car has, floated by. A coffee mug, still filled with coffee. A book case filled with... Shinji squinted to read the titles on the spines of the books. Hentai manga. Before he could grab one, the book case floated off out of reach.
"Damn!" The boy enthused. *BONK* "OUCH!"
Shinji glared at the empty beer can that had beaned him as he rubbed the tiny bump on his head. He gave an "EEP!" as he tried to dodge the empty styrofoam cups, used pizza boxes, cardboard Chinese take-out pails, and a half-eaten piece of toast.
"I am _not_ cleaning this place up!" Shinji declared. "Where the Hell am I anyway?"
"OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT"
"Hey, I know that voice..." Shinji looked around for the source of the voice. Finally, he looked up. And got a nosebleed.
Misato (still in the Playboy Bunny outfit) was falling towards him butt first.
Trying to stem the tide of blood (and prevent himself from hemorrhaging to death) Shinji pinched his nose and cried out, "EY! MIATHO!"
"Sorrycan'ttalkI'mlateI'mlateI'mlateI'mlateI'mlate" she muttered hysterically as she fell past Shinji and treated the boy to the sight of her cleavage before she fell past his range of vision.
Shinji adjusted his pants. They seemed to have grown a bit tight.
And then he was really falling. Shinji screamed at the definite feeling of gravity taking hold over his body in an overly friendly attempt to introduce him to the ground.
The boy squeaked as he bounced off something soft (which his panic-stricken mind registered as a giant mushroom) and he gave a grunt as he hit the grass covered ground. He looked up just in time to see the black hole in the sky close.
"Shit." - was his brilliant summation of his current situation.
"i do not see any excrement about," a soft, cool voice interrupted Shinji's reverie.
Shinji spun around to face the familiar voice. His eyes grew big at the sight of Rei lounging languidly on a nearby giant mushroom. She wore a pastel green body-hugging silk dress that hinted that she wore her birthday suit underneath. Think of the drawing scene on Titanic, it was the same pose, except that Rei wore substantially more. Oh, and she was also smoking a pipe connected to a strange machine that made oddly scented smoke. Whatever eroticism the scene inspired was mildly ruined by the pair of antennae on Rei's head.
"REI!!! What are you doing here?!"
Rei lazily raised an eyebrow and leaned toward the dark haired boy, making sure that he got a view of her chest area and the deep valley between her, um, mountains. Shinji was quite distracted by the sight of her female topography that he was not ready for what the blue haired beauty did. The boy coughed as she blew a stream of smoke right into his face.
"*hak* yeah, *koff* smoking *koff* should have *hak* guessed." Shinji blinked as he suddenly felt light headed. And happy. "Rei, what are you smoking?"
She smiled slyly. "lcl."
"oh," Shinji replied as he tried not giggle (he failed). "Did you see Misato pass by?"
"yes." Rei sat up and looked at Shinji with hooded eyes and a coy smile on her lips. She patted the mushroom, gesturing for Shinji to climb on it.
Shinji shifted nervously. He was embarrassed about the way his pants seemed to be sticking out. But then he rationalized that this was Rei, she probably wouldn't know or care why his pants were not in their usual shape. So Shin-chan climbed up and sat beside Rei.
"Did you see where she went?" Shinji asked as he tried not to look at the blue haired pilot, or more to the point, the blue haired pilot's assets.
Shinji gasped as Rei leaned across his lap and pointed at a direction. "the major proceeded towards that direction." As he looked down at the blue haired nymph lying across his lap, she looked up at him and before he could react, she was tickling his tonsils. With her tongue.
"mmmphmm!" Shinji defiantly cried out in resistance. Or maybe not.
His brain was going on overload from the shock and he wasn't able to move his body as he received his first Frenchy. Then with an audible pop, Rei broke the suction between their mouths. A strand of saliva connected them for a while before it broke.
"it is time." Rei whispered huskily (in a monotone). Before Shinji could gather his wits to ask 'Time for what?', Rei stood up in front of Shinji and grasped the straps of her dress.
She pulled.
The dress pooled at her feet.
Shinji's jaw dropped.
Rei smiled, totally comfortable in her nakedness.
Shinji throbbed.
Butterfly wings emerged from Rei's back.
Shinji boggled.
And Rei fluttered off and away while singing 'Fly Me to the Moon'.
Shinji blinked after she disappeared from view.
Realization suddenly hit him in the gut. Or someplace a bit lower. Shinji screamed in frustration. He began to frantically undo his pants.
"Oooh, and what are you gonna do?" came a purr from beside him.
Shinji screamed and fell off the mushroom. He looked up and saw Asuka sitting on the edge of the mushroom. She was wearing a tiger print halter top which was quite loose and allowed her breasts to sway freely. She also wore a tiger print bikini that had a tiger tail attached to it's rear. She had a head band that had tiger ears attached to it, and boots that were also tiger print.
Asuka cocked her head at Shinji. "That looks painful," she grinned in a knowing way.
"Asuka! What are you doing here?" Shinji covered the bulge in his pants with his hands. The girl may beat him up for being a pervert.
Asuka jumped down and pushed Shinji to the ground with her booted foot. The boy threw out his arms to break his fall.
"That depends on what you want me to do," Asuka purred as she leaned close to him. Once more, the knowing grin. Somehow, she made her tail twitch.
"What do you mean?" Shinji knew of Asuka's tricks and was immediately on the defensive. Or as defensive as one could get on one's back, open to attack, with a --- ::oh shit!:: Shinji noticed that he had used his hands to break his fall. :I'M DEAD!!!::
"What's this?" Asuka purred as she straddled Shinji's waist and trailed a finger over his chest. "Do you really don't know what I mean?"
Sweat beaded on Shinji's forehead. He bit his lower lip. He may die any second now, but he would be dying a happy man.
Asuka leaned over to whisper in his ear, "Do you want a hint?"
Shinji had no idea what made him nod his head.
Asuka grinned as she sensuously moved her hips against his. Her body swayed sexily. Her breasts swung naughtily.
Shinji gasped. Unable to control himself, Shinji reached forward to slide his hands under Asuka's loose halter top.
And Asuka laughed as she disappeared.
Shinji gritted his teeth. He should have known.
"ASUKA! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!" Shinji screamed in frustration as he sat up and waved his fist at the air.
"Uh-uh, little man, the game is not over yet," her voice taunted.
"Shit! You can go to Hell!!!" Shinji cried out as he tried to undo his stupid belt.
"Who's going to Hell?" A timid voice asked curiously from behind him.
Shaking from shock and all the pent-up frustration, Shinji turned to look at girl behind him. Hikari beamed innocently at him with her hands behind her back in a demure manner. She was wearing a gray leotard, ballet shoes, black fingerless gloves, white cuffs with red cuff links, and a black choker. Oh, and did I mention the cute mouse ears and the long mouse tail? I didn't? Too bad.
"Oh, good day, Shinji-kun!"
"Horaki-san," Shinji managed to croak out as he tried to press down on the front of his pants to make the bulge less noticeable. It may have felt weird showing it to Rei, but he knew he would burn in the deepest pits of Hell if he showed it to Hikari.
Hikari giggled in a girlish manner as she jumped on the startled boy's lap. "We're friends, Shin-_Chan_," she whispered huskily into his ear. "You can call me Hikari-chan if you want. Or..." A shiver ran down Shinji's spine as she licked his ear. "...whatever you want..."
"Hi- ka- ri- cha- an." Shinji managed to gasp out as the girl continued to lick his face.
Hikari suddenly squealed after snuggling on Shinji's lap. "Oooh, you _are_ happy to see me!" Shinji stiffly nodded, though this was a bit surreal and for some odd reason he was feeling guilty. "Oh, goody! Then will you do a favor for me, ne, Shin-chan?" She smiled coyly at the young pilot as she used her finger to draw arcane symbols on his chest.
Said young pilot nodded. Hikari the mouse-girl beamed.
And thus Shinji found himself at a table in a garden hedged with tall hedges with three gorgeous ladies and an uncomfortable bulge in his pants.
Ritsuko sat at the head of the table wearing her usual lab coat, hose, and high heels. Her lab coat had one button closed which allowed it to hide the presumably naked flesh underneath. She also had a red beret perched on her head with a card stuck in it that read: '69'.
Maya sat opposite Shinji and to Ritsuko's left. The bridge bunny wore... a Playboy Bunny parody of a NERV uniform. What she wore was basically beige and flesh tone and from a distance she looked as bare as the day she was born. And it didn't seem to bother the shy operator one bit.
And Hikari the Dormouse sat opposite Ritsuko Mad Hatter to complete the circle.
If Shinji were any other male he would have cleared the table of its contents and have one or preferably all of the women on it.
But Shinji is Shinji, so no women on the table. Only tea cups, tea pots, saucers, teaspoons, and sugar and milk dispensers. And tea, which they were all drinking.
Ordinarily Shinji should be enjoying tea time. But his adolescent hormones were acting up to the sight of too much tantalizing bare and barely-clad flesh within touching distance.
Unfortunately (or not) Ritsuko and Maya were too busy talking to each other some gibberish about 'Necrosis', 'Synch ratio', 'Nerve connection levels', 'Leather can be more sensual than silk', ... after this line of conversation, the two stopped conversing and the tea cups, tea pots, saucers, teaspoons, and sugar and milk dispensers all fell from the top of the table.
"Oh, pooh..." Hikari pouted cutely, still holding the lemon she was going to slice for her tea.
Shinji watched expectantly as the good doctor and her protégé began to give him a free lesson on human anatomy. Unfortunately, the couple were rolling about too much. Shinji sat there in horror (or some approximation thereof) as the couple fell off the table and onto his lap. Shinji's chair broke from under them and Shinji had tears in his eyes from the pain of having the combined weight of two adult females land on his... erm, sensitive place.
"Oh, my! Get off him!" Hikari cried out as she noticed the anguished expression on the boy's face. Ritsuko moved off Shinji since she was on top of the pile. Maya blissfully remained where she was and just sat up.
"We're sorry Shin-chan," Ritsuko cooed to the boy as she caressed his blushing cheeks as she knelt beside him. Her breasts threatened to spill out of her barely confining lab coat. "Where does it hurt?"
Shinji was redder than a tomato.
"I'm a trained paramedic!" Maya beamed as she wiggled her pert bottom on Shinji's lap. Which made the boy wince, and for some odd reason he didn't overly like it (Oh, OK, so maybe a little bit. He is a bit of a masochist.).
Ritsuko and Hikari blinked.
"Maya, I think his penis hurts." Ritsuko pointed out.
"Penis?" The trained paramedic asked in a naïve way.
"Y'know... cock, pecker, willy, asoko, syao lung, little friend, bone," Hikari ticked off on her fingers. Shinji couldn't believe how turned on he was to hear Hikari enumerate the synonyms for what he always thought of as "Little Shinji".
"Oh!" Maya jumped as the said body part stirred under her. "I think it's fine now!" She reported happily.
"-einer, schlong," Hikari continued.
"Are you sure?" Ritsuko asked as she lazily undid Shinji's shirt.
"-irdy, one-eyed monster,"
"Yes, Ma'am!" Maya replied as she undid Shinji's belt. "Do you think I should kiss it and make it feel better? Huh, Shinji? Want me to kiss it and make it feel better?"
The pilot gave his enthusiastic answer as the bridge bunny, er, March Hare hooked her fingers on the garter of his boxers and started to pull. In case you were wondering, he was nodding his head like crazy.
"but my favorite is-"
"NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" Everyone froze as three figures barged into the garden.
"Woody," Hikari finished happily.
All right... so not everybody froze when the three figures barged into the garden. All three figures were dressed the same - in menacing black ties and g-strings. Yep, that's it. Nothing more. Unless you count the light coating of oil.
The three figures paused as the scene they just barged into slowly registered into their Neanderthal brain. The gray haired man with side burns blinked. His two cohorts drooled.
"Did we come in on a bad time? We could just come in again, y'know." Fuyutsuki nervously swallowed as he loosened his tie.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" Ritsuko screamed in horror.
"The Spanish Inquisition Skit," Makoto replied as he squinted nearsightedly with undisguised lust at the lemon Hikari was holding.
"YOU STUPID IDIOTS!!! THE QUEEN HATES THE SPANISH INQUISITION SKIT!!!" Ritsuko screamed some more and the single button that held her lab coat closed finally gave up its battle to hold back the horde and sprung out, forcefully hitting the last g-stringed figure in between the eyes. He fell to the ground, deader than a door nail.
"OH, MY GOD! YOU KILLED..." Shinji paused as he tried to remember the name of the guy with long hair and played the guitar. "Shit! What was his name?"
The pilot blinked since everybody had bolted and left him alone with the dead person.
"OHOHOHOHO!" Came a roaring bitch laugh that froze Shinji's blood. The pilot couldn't move as a figure dressed in a red leather dominatrix outfit entered the garden. The figure cracked its whip in a very threatening manner. The peaked cap on its head was tilted rakishly, covering one eye. The spiked dog collar glinted dangerously. The tight leather bustier and bikini hugged the body perfectly. The thigh high heeled boots and elbow length gloves gleamed. "What is this?! I have caught a murderer in my garden!"
"Yes, my Queen! He did it! He killed What's-His-Name!" Makoto jumped out of nowhere and pointed an accusing finger at Shinji. Or at the bush which had a passing resemblance to Shinji.
"And he even performed the Spanish Inquisition Skit, My Queen." Fuyutsuki calmly added as he turned Makoto so he pointed at the right direction.
"And he tried to force himself on us! Oh, punish us our Queen!" Ritsuko, Maya, and Hikari chorused together. All were sobbing piteously as they pointed accusingly at the young pilot, their eyes gleamed at the thought of being punished.
"SO! A murderer, a rapist, and A COMEDIAN!" The Queen roared in a most terrible, harsh sounding voice. "And what do you have to say for yourself, *CRIMINAL*?"
Shinji swallowed painfully. He wanted to say that he wasn't a criminal! He wanted to say that the girls seduced him! He wanted to say that he didn't kill the guy whose name he couldn't remember! He wanted to ask how to get home! But the thing he asked was: "Father, what are you wearing?"
Gendo snarled as he snapped his whip taut. "INSOLENCE! CUT OFF HIS DICK!"
"CASTRATE THE CRIMINAL! CASTRATE THE CRIMINAL! CASTRATE THE CRIMINAL!" Everyone picked up the chant and chased Shinji who had the presence of mind not to check whether they were serious or just joking.
"Mustrunawaymustrunawaymustrunaway," Shinji modified his mantra as he tried to keep his manhood intact and attached. He ran into the woods. "Mustmmmph!" A gloved hand covered his mouth as he was pulled into the shadow of a tree. The mob passed by the tree.
Shinji felt soft flesh pressing against his back. A voice purred into his ear.
"See? I told you the game was not over yet."
Shinji pulled away from her. "Asuka! Stop playing around and tell me how to get home!"
"What's the hurry? They can't see you as long as you're with me." Asuka said as she pushed Shinji against the tree trunk. She then fell to her knees in front of Shinji and pulled his loose pants down to his knees. "Ooh, see? You don't really want to go."
"If I want to keep *that* I have to get home!" Shinji said through gritted teeth.
"Oh, okay," Asuka gave a sad sigh as she finally freed Shinji from his boxers. She looked up at him mischievously as her warm hands held him. "All you have to do is come."
"Wha?! How?!" cried the flustered Shinji who was suddenly afraid that Asuka will rip his little friend off.
Asuka grinned and then showed him.
And he did.
With a groan, Shinji opened his eyes. ::That was one weird dream,:: he thought to himself as he sat up on his bed. He lifted his blankets and noted the aftereffects of the aforementioned dream. ::A reeaaally weird dream,:: he added with a goofy grin.
He went to his closet and got out his bath pail and toiletries, and a set of school uniform. ::Better get cleaned up before Asuka sees me,:: Shinji thought as he stepped out of his room with his stuff carried in a strategically concealing manner.
Shinji silently made his way past the lair of the sleeping ogre, who would probably tear him limb-from-limb if he dared interrupt her beauty sleep. Thankfully, Shinji was as quiet as a mouse.
After listening for a few moments to make sure that Asuka hadn't woken up, he sighed in relief. And then nearly screamed in shock as he looked in the kitchen.
Misato was passed out on the floor, beer cans littered the area around her.
Shinji suddenly had a sense of dejavu.
White bunny ears.
ENDLESS
WARNING: This is not a regular production of Manga - Addicts or by the author known as Jino Turtlegod. The author reserves the right to plead for temporary insanity. In case you still have not caught on, this fanfic is not serious and was not written to be taken seriously.
What? This is the end already? Oh, pooh.
Spanish Inquisition Skit copyright of Monty Python's Flying Circus.
He went to his closet and got out his bath pail and toiletries, and a set of school uniform. ::Better get cleaned up before Asuka sees me,:: Shinji thought as he stepped out of his room with his stuff carried in a strategically concealing manner (what he was trying to conceal should be obvious. If you don't know what it is, then you're too young! SCRAM! This is an R-rated fic!!! hmm... maybe NC-17 is more appropriate... naahh...).
Shinji silently made his way past the lair of the sleeping ogre, who would probably tear him limb-from-limb if he dared interrupt her beauty sleep. Thankfully, Shinji was as quiet as a mouse (or contextually speaking, a ninja).
After listening for a few moments to make sure that Asuka hadn't woken up, he sighed in relief. And then nearly screamed in shock as he looked in the kitchen.
Misato was passed out on the floor, beer cans littered the area around her.
This in itself was _NOT_ unusual.
The fact that Misato was wearing a Playboy Bunny outfit was what surprised Shinji. White bunny ears - Check. White choker with a gold heart - Check. White cuffs on wrists with gold cuff links - Check. White bossom enhancing, lace-on bustier - Check. White stiletto heels - Check. White, high-cut bikini panties with fluffy white bunny tail... Definitely check.
Shinji tore his eyes away from his guardian and made sure that his bath stuff still concealed his front, since his guardian had brought back wisps of his _weird_ dream. Asuka would have probably killed him on the spot if she saw what was in his shorts.
Then the sound of bells tolling came to Shinji's ears. More to the point - the sound of Asuka's door sliding open. Shinji scrambled for sanctuary. In this case, the bathroom.
In his haste to get to the safety of the bathroom and out of Asuka's sight, Shinji didn't see the beer can he was about to step --- *CRASH*
... on.
"Ouchie..."
Fade to black.
***
Manga - Addicts Presents:
Shin-chan in Wonderland
A Neon Genesis Evangelion Fanfiction
***
Neon Genesis Evangelion created by, registered, and copyrighted to GAINAX Project EVA, Movic, and any other company and/or division associated with the creation and/or production of Neon Genesis Evangelion. A.D.Vision holds the copyrights to the English version of Neon Genesis Evangelion.
This work of fiction is not intended for any commercial purposes but was created for the entertainment of the Author and Fans of Neon Genesis Evangelion.
No copyright infringement was in any way intended.
Shin-chan in Wonderland written by Jino Turtlegod
WARNING: OFF SCALE OOC LEVELS, HIGH LIME CONTENT, (2) LEMON SCENES INCLUDED
***
R Rating. For mature readers only. Some scenes, themes, language, and situations are not suitable for younger readers. Reader discretion is advised.
***
Shinji was falling in a black void while there was creepy chanting sound in the background. Or maybe everything was just floating upwards. All right, so maybe 'black void' was not an accurate description...
Shinji blinked incredulously at the ridiculous amount of everyday stuff around him. Chairs, tables, beakers of water resting on medicine prescriptions lying on side-tables, wall calendars, Physics text books opened to the pages about thermal expansion, bowls for feeding pets named Pen-pen, used underwear...
*BLINK*
Shinji grabbed the piece of cloth - a pair of black lace panties. "This looks familiar," Shinji mumbled to himself (this was not strange since he does the laundry for the Katsuragi household most of the time).
He sniffed the feminine undergarment, "Misato? *sniff*. No, doesn't smell like beer and vaginal antiseptic, it has a fresher, more innocent bouquet..." (what exactly he does while doing the laundry...). "Asuka." He gave his expert opinion and nodded sagely. Then, after a quick look around to ascertain that said redhead wasn't in the area, he tucked the lingerie into the pocket of his school slacks and he began to whistle innocently as he looked about.
A tire, that looked like the brand Misato's car has, floated by. A coffee mug, still filled with coffee. A book case filled with... Shinji squinted to read the titles on the spines of the books. Hentai manga. Before he could grab one, the book case floated off out of reach.
"Damn!" The boy enthused. *BONK* "OUCH!"
Shinji glared at the empty beer can that had beaned him as he rubbed the tiny bump on his head. He gave an "EEP!" as he tried to dodge the empty styrofoam cups, used pizza boxes, cardboard Chinese take-out pails, and a half-eaten piece of toast.
"I am _not_ cleaning this place up!" Shinji declared. "Where the Hell am I anyway?"
"OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT"
"Hey, I know that voice..." Shinji looked around for the source of the voice. Finally, he looked up. And got a nosebleed.
Misato (still in the Playboy Bunny outfit) was falling towards him butt first.
Trying to stem the tide of blood (and prevent himself from hemorrhaging to death) Shinji pinched his nose and cried out, "EY! MIATHO!"
"Sorrycan'ttalkI'mlateI'mlateI'mlateI'mlateI'mlate" she muttered hysterically as she fell past Shinji and treated the boy to the sight of her cleavage before she fell past his range of vision.
Shinji adjusted his pants. They seemed to have grown a bit tight.
And then he was really falling. Shinji screamed at the definite feeling of gravity taking hold over his body in an overly friendly attempt to introduce him to the ground.
The boy squeaked as he bounced off something soft (which his panic-stricken mind registered as a giant mushroom) and he gave a grunt as he hit the grass covered ground. He looked up just in time to see the black hole in the sky close.
"Shit." - was his brilliant summation of his current situation.
"i do not see any excrement about," a soft, cool voice interrupted Shinji's reverie.
Shinji spun around to face the familiar voice. His eyes grew big at the sight of Rei lounging languidly on a nearby giant mushroom. She wore a pastel green body-hugging silk dress that hinted that she wore her birthday suit underneath. Think of the drawing scene on Titanic, it was the same pose, except that Rei wore substantially more. Oh, and she was also smoking a pipe connected to a strange machine that made oddly scented smoke. Whatever eroticism the scene inspired was mildly ruined by the pair of antennae on Rei's head.
"REI!!! What are you doing here?!"
Rei lazily raised an eyebrow and leaned toward the dark haired boy, making sure that he got a view of her chest area and the deep valley between her, um, mountains. Shinji was quite distracted by the sight of her female topography that he was not ready for what the blue haired beauty did. The boy coughed as she blew a stream of smoke right into his face.
"*hak* yeah, *koff* smoking *koff* should have *hak* guessed." Shinji blinked as he suddenly felt light headed. And happy. "Rei, what are you smoking?"
She smiled slyly. "lcl."
"oh," Shinji replied as he tried not giggle (he failed). "Did you see Misato pass by?"
"yes." Rei sat up and looked at Shinji with hooded eyes and a coy smile on her lips. She patted the mushroom, gesturing for Shinji to climb on it.
Shinji shifted nervously. He was embarrassed about the way his pants seemed to be sticking out. But then he rationalized that this was Rei, she probably wouldn't know or care why his pants were not in their usual shape. So Shin-chan climbed up and sat beside Rei.
"Did you see where she went?" Shinji asked as he tried not to look at the blue haired pilot, or more to the point, the blue haired pilot's assets.
Shinji gasped as Rei leaned across his lap and pointed at a direction. "the major proceeded towards that direction." As he looked down at the blue haired nymph lying across his lap, she looked up at him and before he could react, she was tickling his tonsils. With her tongue.
"mmmphmm!" Shinji defiantly cried out in resistance. Or maybe not.
His brain was going on overload from the shock and he wasn't able to move his body as he received his first Frenchy. Then with an audible pop, Rei broke the suction between their mouths. A strand of saliva connected them for a while before it broke.
"it is time." Rei whispered huskily (in a monotone). Before Shinji could gather his wits to ask 'Time for what?', Rei stood up in front of Shinji and grasped the straps of her dress.
She pulled.
The dress pooled at her feet.
Shinji's jaw dropped.
Rei smiled, totally comfortable in her nakedness.
Shinji throbbed.
Butterfly wings emerged from Rei's back.
Shinji boggled.
And Rei fluttered off and away while singing 'Fly Me to the Moon'.
Shinji blinked after she disappeared from view.
Realization suddenly hit him in the gut. Or someplace a bit lower. Shinji screamed in frustration. He began to frantically undo his pants.
"Oooh, and what are you gonna do?" came a purr from beside him.
Shinji screamed and fell off the mushroom. He looked up and saw Asuka sitting on the edge of the mushroom. She was wearing a tiger print halter top which was quite loose and allowed her breasts to sway freely. She also wore a tiger print bikini that had a tiger tail attached to it's rear. She had a head band that had tiger ears attached to it, and boots that were also tiger print.
Asuka cocked her head at Shinji. "That looks painful," she grinned in a knowing way.
"Asuka! What are you doing here?" Shinji covered the bulge in his pants with his hands. The girl may beat him up for being a pervert.
Asuka jumped down and pushed Shinji to the ground with her booted foot. The boy threw out his arms to break his fall.
"That depends on what you want me to do," Asuka purred as she leaned close to him. Once more, the knowing grin. Somehow, she made her tail twitch.
"What do you mean?" Shinji knew of Asuka's tricks and was immediately on the defensive. Or as defensive as one could get on one's back, open to attack, with a --- ::oh shit!:: Shinji noticed that he had used his hands to break his fall. :I'M DEAD!!!::
"What's this?" Asuka purred as she straddled Shinji's waist and trailed a finger over his chest. "Do you really don't know what I mean?"
Sweat beaded on Shinji's forehead. He bit his lower lip. He may die any second now, but he would be dying a happy man.
Asuka leaned over to whisper in his ear, "Do you want a hint?"
Shinji had no idea what made him nod his head.
Asuka grinned as she sensuously moved her hips against his. Her body swayed sexily. Her breasts swung naughtily.
Shinji gasped. Unable to control himself, Shinji reached forward to slide his hands under Asuka's loose halter top.
And Asuka laughed as she disappeared.
Shinji gritted his teeth. He should have known.
"ASUKA! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!" Shinji screamed in frustration as he sat up and waved his fist at the air.
"Uh-uh, little man, the game is not over yet," her voice taunted.
"Shit! You can go to Hell!!!" Shinji cried out as he tried to undo his stupid belt.
"Who's going to Hell?" A timid voice asked curiously from behind him.
Shaking from shock and all the pent-up frustration, Shinji turned to look at girl behind him. Hikari beamed innocently at him with her hands behind her back in a demure manner. She was wearing a gray leotard, ballet shoes, black fingerless gloves, white cuffs with red cuff links, and a black choker. Oh, and did I mention the cute mouse ears and the long mouse tail? I didn't? Too bad.
"Oh, good day, Shinji-kun!"
"Horaki-san," Shinji managed to croak out as he tried to press down on the front of his pants to make the bulge less noticeable. It may have felt weird showing it to Rei, but he knew he would burn in the deepest pits of Hell if he showed it to Hikari.
Hikari giggled in a girlish manner as she jumped on the startled boy's lap. "We're friends, Shin-_Chan_," she whispered huskily into his ear. "You can call me Hikari-chan if you want. Or..." A shiver ran down Shinji's spine as she licked his ear. "...whatever you want..."
"Hi- ka- ri- cha- an." Shinji managed to gasp out as the girl continued to lick his face.
Hikari suddenly squealed after snuggling on Shinji's lap. "Oooh, you _are_ happy to see me!" Shinji stiffly nodded, though this was a bit surreal and for some odd reason he was feeling guilty. "Oh, goody! Then will you do a favor for me, ne, Shin-chan?" She smiled coyly at the young pilot as she used her finger to draw arcane symbols on his chest.
Said young pilot nodded. Hikari the mouse-girl beamed.
And thus Shinji found himself at a table in a garden hedged with tall hedges with three gorgeous ladies and an uncomfortable bulge in his pants.
Ritsuko sat at the head of the table wearing her usual lab coat, hose, and high heels. Her lab coat had one button closed which allowed it to hide the presumably naked flesh underneath. She also had a red beret perched on her head with a card stuck in it that read: '69'.
Maya sat opposite Shinji and to Ritsuko's left. The bridge bunny wore... a Playboy Bunny parody of a NERV uniform. What she wore was basically beige and flesh tone and from a distance she looked as bare as the day she was born. And it didn't seem to bother the shy operator one bit.
And Hikari the Dormouse sat opposite Ritsuko Mad Hatter to complete the circle.
If Shinji were any other male he would have cleared the table of its contents and have one or preferably all of the women on it.
But Shinji is Shinji, so no women on the table. Only tea cups, tea pots, saucers, teaspoons, and sugar and milk dispensers. And tea, which they were all drinking.
Ordinarily Shinji should be enjoying tea time. But his adolescent hormones were acting up to the sight of too much tantalizing bare and barely-clad flesh within touching distance.
Unfortunately (or not) Ritsuko and Maya were too busy talking to each other some gibberish about 'Necrosis', 'Synch ratio', 'Nerve connection levels', 'Leather can be more sensual than silk', ... after this line of conversation, the two stopped conversing and the tea cups, tea pots, saucers, teaspoons, and sugar and milk dispensers all fell from the top of the table.
"Oh, pooh..." Hikari pouted cutely, still holding the lemon she was going to slice for her tea.
Shinji watched expectantly as the good doctor and her protégé began to give him a free lesson on human anatomy. Unfortunately, the couple were rolling about too much. Shinji sat there in horror (or some approximation thereof) as the couple fell off the table and onto his lap. Shinji's chair broke from under them and Shinji had tears in his eyes from the pain of having the combined weight of two adult females land on his... erm, sensitive place.
"Oh, my! Get off him!" Hikari cried out as she noticed the anguished expression on the boy's face. Ritsuko moved off Shinji since she was on top of the pile. Maya blissfully remained where she was and just sat up.
"We're sorry Shin-chan," Ritsuko cooed to the boy as she caressed his blushing cheeks as she knelt beside him. Her breasts threatened to spill out of her barely confining lab coat. "Where does it hurt?"
Shinji was redder than a tomato.
"I'm a trained paramedic!" Maya beamed as she wiggled her pert bottom on Shinji's lap. Which made the boy wince, and for some odd reason he didn't overly like it (Oh, OK, so maybe a little bit. He is a bit of a masochist.).
Ritsuko and Hikari blinked.
"Maya, I think his penis hurts." Ritsuko pointed out.
"Penis?" The trained paramedic asked in a naïve way.
"Y'know... cock, pecker, willy, asoko, syao lung, little friend, bone," Hikari ticked off on her fingers. Shinji couldn't believe how turned on he was to hear Hikari enumerate the synonyms for what he always thought of as "Little Shinji".
"Oh!" Maya jumped as the said body part stirred under her. "I think it's fine now!" She reported happily.
"-einer, schlong," Hikari continued.
"Are you sure?" Ritsuko asked as she lazily undid Shinji's shirt.
"-irdy, one-eyed monster,"
"Yes, Ma'am!" Maya replied as she undid Shinji's belt. "Do you think I should kiss it and make it feel better? Huh, Shinji? Want me to kiss it and make it feel better?"
The pilot gave his enthusiastic answer as the bridge bunny, er, March Hare hooked her fingers on the garter of his boxers and started to pull. In case you were wondering, he was nodding his head like crazy.
"but my favorite is-"
"NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" Everyone froze as three figures barged into the garden.
"Woody," Hikari finished happily.
All right... so not everybody froze when the three figures barged into the garden. All three figures were dressed the same - in menacing black ties and g-strings. Yep, that's it. Nothing more. Unless you count the light coating of oil.
The three figures paused as the scene they just barged into slowly registered into their Neanderthal brain. The gray haired man with side burns blinked. His two cohorts drooled.
"Did we come in on a bad time? We could just come in again, y'know." Fuyutsuki nervously swallowed as he loosened his tie.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" Ritsuko screamed in horror.
"The Spanish Inquisition Skit," Makoto replied as he squinted nearsightedly with undisguised lust at the lemon Hikari was holding.
"YOU STUPID IDIOTS!!! THE QUEEN HATES THE SPANISH INQUISITION SKIT!!!" Ritsuko screamed some more and the single button that held her lab coat closed finally gave up its battle to hold back the horde and sprung out, forcefully hitting the last g-stringed figure in between the eyes. He fell to the ground, deader than a door nail.
"OH, MY GOD! YOU KILLED..." Shinji paused as he tried to remember the name of the guy with long hair and played the guitar. "Shit! What was his name?"
The pilot blinked since everybody had bolted and left him alone with the dead person.
"OHOHOHOHO!" Came a roaring bitch laugh that froze Shinji's blood. The pilot couldn't move as a figure dressed in a red leather dominatrix outfit entered the garden. The figure cracked its whip in a very threatening manner. The peaked cap on its head was tilted rakishly, covering one eye. The spiked dog collar glinted dangerously. The tight leather bustier and bikini hugged the body perfectly. The thigh high heeled boots and elbow length gloves gleamed. "What is this?! I have caught a murderer in my garden!"
"Yes, my Queen! He did it! He killed What's-His-Name!" Makoto jumped out of nowhere and pointed an accusing finger at Shinji. Or at the bush which had a passing resemblance to Shinji.
"And he even performed the Spanish Inquisition Skit, My Queen." Fuyutsuki calmly added as he turned Makoto so he pointed at the right direction.
"And he tried to force himself on us! Oh, punish us our Queen!" Ritsuko, Maya, and Hikari chorused together. All were sobbing piteously as they pointed accusingly at the young pilot, their eyes gleamed at the thought of being punished.
"SO! A murderer, a rapist, and A COMEDIAN!" The Queen roared in a most terrible, harsh sounding voice. "And what do you have to say for yourself, *CRIMINAL*?"
Shinji swallowed painfully. He wanted to say that he wasn't a criminal! He wanted to say that the girls seduced him! He wanted to say that he didn't kill the guy whose name he couldn't remember! He wanted to ask how to get home! But the thing he asked was: "Father, what are you wearing?"
Gendo snarled as he snapped his whip taut. "INSOLENCE! CUT OFF HIS DICK!"
"CASTRATE THE CRIMINAL! CASTRATE THE CRIMINAL! CASTRATE THE CRIMINAL!" Everyone picked up the chant and chased Shinji who had the presence of mind not to check whether they were serious or just joking.
"Mustrunawaymustrunawaymustrunaway," Shinji modified his mantra as he tried to keep his manhood intact and attached. He ran into the woods. "Mustmmmph!" A gloved hand covered his mouth as he was pulled into the shadow of a tree. The mob passed by the tree.
Shinji felt soft flesh pressing against his back. A voice purred into his ear.
"See? I told you the game was not over yet."
Shinji pulled away from her. "Asuka! Stop playing around and tell me how to get home!"
"What's the hurry? They can't see you as long as you're with me." Asuka said as she pushed Shinji against the tree trunk. She then fell to her knees in front of Shinji and pulled his loose pants down to his knees. "Ooh, see? You don't really want to go."
"If I want to keep *that* I have to get home!" Shinji said through gritted teeth.
"Oh, okay," Asuka gave a sad sigh as she finally freed Shinji from his boxers. She looked up at him mischievously as her warm hands held him. "All you have to do is come."
"Wha?! How?!" cried the flustered Shinji who was suddenly afraid that Asuka will rip his little friend off.
Asuka grinned and then showed him.
And he did.
With a groan, Shinji opened his eyes. ::That was one weird dream,:: he thought to himself as he sat up on his bed. He lifted his blankets and noted the aftereffects of the aforementioned dream. ::A reeaaally weird dream,:: he added with a goofy grin.
He went to his closet and got out his bath pail and toiletries, and a set of school uniform. ::Better get cleaned up before Asuka sees me,:: Shinji thought as he stepped out of his room with his stuff carried in a strategically concealing manner.
Shinji silently made his way past the lair of the sleeping ogre, who would probably tear him limb-from-limb if he dared interrupt her beauty sleep. Thankfully, Shinji was as quiet as a mouse.
After listening for a few moments to make sure that Asuka hadn't woken up, he sighed in relief. And then nearly screamed in shock as he looked in the kitchen.
Misato was passed out on the floor, beer cans littered the area around her.
Shinji suddenly had a sense of dejavu.
White bunny ears.
ENDLESS
WARNING: This is not a regular production of Manga - Addicts or by the author known as Jino Turtlegod. The author reserves the right to plead for temporary insanity. In case you still have not caught on, this fanfic is not serious and was not written to be taken seriously.
What? This is the end already? Oh, pooh.
Spanish Inquisition Skit copyright of Monty Python's Flying Circus.