Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Someday Somewhere ❯ First Mistake ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Evangelion Parody Fanfiction

By Otaku D-Man

Standard Disclaimer.

Let's face it. I don't have it, you don't have it. We all want it. We'll never get it.

Damn, it's like my last girlfriend. (Impossible to get your hands on it and even if you did, police would turn up to haul you away.)

Author's Pre-Self Loathing -

I decided to try my hand at a parody this time (Yes, Yes. I haven't forgotten that I still owe everyone a Shinji/Asuka, Shinji/Mana and a Shinji/Hikari fic - Curse you Dennisud, I don't have any creative talent. Hell, I don't have any talent period.) Even so, OOC'ness will be curtailed to a degree, but will be indulged in as the situation merits.

This is just a spacer fic to help me unwind while I persevere with 'All That I Am' (You will notice I've managed to post Chp 8 as well and I've finished 9, 10, 11 and 12 and started 13.)

And yes, I know it's all been done before. Numerous times and by those with superior skills and actual talent. (Skill and talent. It would be so much easier if I had some.)

By the way, I'm going to leave the whole pairings type thing until the end. Yep, basically I don't even know (or care, remember this is a stress relieving, non-sensical story). Perhaps I'll leave it as a poll. The reader's choice can determine who bags our erstwhile hedgehog.

The nominees are -

Asuka , Rei , the Rei-quarium , Hikari , Mana , Maya , Misato , Ritsuko , Lillith , Arael and the various ACC's I'll sprinkle through the subsequent chapters. (Like the ACC's even have a chance.)

Sorry but I don't particularly like Yuri or Yaoi, so don't expect too much of an appearance of anything even remotely like it. I may be an Otaku Fanboy, but the whole shonen/shoujo ai thing comes off as predominately masturbation fantasies with little to no merit. (Personal opinion only.)

Don't really know how long this will go or how long between updates.

Someday Somewhere

First Mistake - Who, Me?

The Living Hell That Is School

Touji stared at his friends face, wincing involuntarily. "Jeez Shin-man, that looks pretty bad. What d'ya do this time ta deserve that?" The 'That' in question was a large, ugly bruise decorating Shinji Ikari's face.

"I'm not really sure." Shinji replied, shrugging his shoulders. "I was preparing dinner last night when Asuka came out of the bathroom. There was a flash of red and all of a sudden she's screaming something about me being a pervert and the next thing I know, I'm waking up staring at the kitchen ceiling." The only thing to come unscathed out of the entire drama was the food. Luckily enough he had been able to salvage most of it, otherwise Pen Pen may have decided to take action.

A disgruntled warm water penguin high on booze and burnt mackerel was not something he wanted to witness ever again.

Kensuke closed the net hack utility he was running before joining the conversation. "What did Misato-san say about it?" His computer beeped happily, alerting him to the successful purge of all instances of his external activities utilising school resources. When infiltrating military mainframes, it always paid to cover your tracks. It was a good thing he always dispersed his signal throughout the education departments server.

Although he couldn't help but feel partly responsible when the school's main office was destroyed by the JSSDF.

Shinji tentatively touched the fringes of the swelling, hissing at the resulting spark of agony. "That she'd take me in to headquarters to see Ritsuko-san this afternoon." His hopes that he would be taken to a regular hospital with normal medical staff had been blithely ignored by his guardian. In fact, she had seemed all too happy about the whole thing.

Touji's ears perked up at the name. "You mean that hot blonde doctor?" He had only seen the green eyed scientist once, but she had made quite an impression on his adolescent psyche.

"Ritsuko-san?" Shinji had to admit that Ritsuko was attractive. He had just never taken the time to think about it all that much. Every time he was with Ritsuko he was more concerned about escaping in one piece. She wasn't labelled a mad scientist by NERV personnel out of spite alone.

"Kami I envy you Shinji." Kensuke began weeping openly. He found it distressing that the one person who didn't seem to care was the one who continually hit the jackpot. "Piloting EVA. Living with Misato-san." Unable to restrain his emotions any further, Kensuke's weeping evolved into wracking sobs.

Rolling his eyes to the heavens, well, to the ceiling anyway, Shinji sighed. The chances of seeing anything even remotely resembling sympathy was looking bleak. "Then tell Asuka. I'm sure she'll be happy to oblige." He would gladly trade it all in for a shot at a normal life. One free of piloting giant biomechanical monsters, living with drunken slobs and violent psychopaths and having to work for an indifferent, bastard of a father.

***

" and then he pulled out his di-…….." Asuka paused in her exaggerated re-telling of the previous nights encounter with a certain notorious Baka Hentai, her finely honed senses alerting her to a disturbance in the social fabric of the classroom. "Hikari, why are all the other girls glaring at you?"

"Me?" Hikari glanced around, noting the dark, murderous expression marring the faces of the female majority. She followed their lines of sight, quickly triangulating the position of their actual target. "They're glaring at you Asuka." She whispered.

Surprised at Hikari's revelation, Asuka sat upright. "What?" She exclaimed. "Why would they do that?" As far as Asuka cared to know, she was admired and revered by all. She was their idol. They placed her on a pedestal, worshiping her in all her glory. But she could understand if they were jealous of her intelligence, her beauty or her ability as the best EVA Pilot. It wasn't her fault she was simply the best at everything.

It was Hikari's turn to act surprised. "You mean you don't know?" Knowing Asuka, Hikari opted for tact, rather than blunt and brutal criticism. "Honestly Asuka, for a college graduate, you can be a little dense sometimes."

Well, maybe just a little bit.

"Then tell me. What's got their panties all in a bunch?" Asuka detested secrets. She just had to know anything and everything that was transpiring around her.

"Ikari-kun." Hikari replied. The resignation in her voice indicating that she expected Asuka to catch on fairly quickly.

Asuka caught on, she just misinterpreted the meaning. "Baka Shinji? What did that pervert do this time?" Asuka bristled. "I'll kill him." Standing up, Asuka prepared to drag the boy from his seat and punish him for causing the problem.

Hikari quickly grabbed Asuka's arm and forced her back into her seat. "No Asuka. It's nothing he did. It's more to do with how you continue to treat him." She explained.

Asuka stared, dumbfounded. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "What are you talking about, Hikari? I treat Shinji exactly as he deserves." Asuka truly believed that, if anything, she was far too lenient on Shinji.

It was Hikari's turn to stare in utter confusion at Asuka's words. "As he deserves? What about that nasty bruise on his cheek?"

"He was being a perverted little boy." Asuka declared. "What else could I do?" Why couldn't everyone else see that she had been left with no other alternative?

"But from what you said, he didn't even see you when the towel fell down. Yet you hit him anyway." Hikari considered how she would have reacted if she was in Asuka's position. Naked and alone in the kitchen with Shinji Ikari. The teenage girls' mind extrapolated a number of possibilities causing a small trickle of blood appeared from her left nostril.

"So what?" Asuka replied, altogether indifferent about what other people thought of her actions. "Why are all the girls upset about it anyway?" She still had trouble understanding this and Hikari had yet to explain it properly. How could they despise her for her treatment of Shinji Ikari? It defied comprehension.

"Because they like him." Hikari answered evasively, bowing her head, embarrassed with the admission.

"They ……. Like ……….. him?" Asuka repeated, trying to dissect the statement. "Shinji? Are they all mad?" Panic began establishing its business in Asuka's heart.

- Meanwhile, in Asuka's mind -
//Chibi Asuka appears on a large stage. Accompanied by the rest of her class and colleagues.//

"Well I know I'm not." Hikari answered meekly, trying to hide her slowly developing blush.

"What? Wait a minute Hikari, you mean to tell me you actually like that idiot?" Inside Asuka's stomach, panic began a thriving trade, causing her stomach to twist into knots. "I thought you liked monkey boy? Not that he's what I'd call an improvement." She muttered.

//Chibi Asuka boots the Chibi Idiot Duo off the stage and moves to claim Chibi Shinji.//

Nodding her head, Hikari frowned momentarily. "I do like Suzuhara-kun. But Ikari-kun seems really nice to." Her eyes glazed over. "He cooks and cleans. He's always courteous and kind." Glancing over at the boy in question, Hikari drooled. "And he's got a really cute butt."

//Chibi Hikari latches onto Chibi Shinji first much to Chibi Asuka's chagrin.//

Asuka leaned forward and gently shook Hikari from her reverie. "Look Hikari, I'll save you the lecture on why you should avoid that cowardly, perverted wimp, but for your own good, please, you'll be much happier if you stay well away from Baka Shinji." Asuka pleaded, unsure as to why she would do so, only that she felt it necessary.

Very, very necessary.

//Chibi Asuka begins stamping her foot, pointing at Chibi Shinji and Chibi Hikari.//

"So you don't like him?" Hikari asked hopefully. "Not at all?" Unnoticed by the two girls, the rest of the females present were listening in, anxious to know Asuka's true intentions.

"Like him? I can't stand him!" Asuka glared as cheers and applause erupted from the female population of 2A. "The only reason I live with the stooge is because NERV force me to."

"So you won't mind if I make him a bento?" Hikari asked, eager to stake her claim as soon as possible.

//Chibi Hikari presents Chibi Shinji a full course meal that he promptly begins to eat, his polite comments causing the girl to swoon with delight.//

Asuka waved her hand dismissively. "Of course not……………Bento? For Baka Shinji?" The aforementioned Panic merchant began opening multiple retail outlets and franchises.

"Hmm. I've been thinking about it for a while now, but I thought I'd at least ask you first." Hikari didn't really want to make an enemy of Asuka, but she had to make her move soon, especially if certain rumours she had heard were true.

"Me? Why even ask me?" Asuka demanded.

//Chibi Asuka watches on in disbelief as Chibi Shinji kisses Chibi Hikari who promptly melts into a squealing puddle.//

"Well, before you came, we all thought that maybe Ikari-kun and Ayanami were something of an item." Hikari considered how she had often caught the shy young boy gazing with some interest at the quiet albino.

//Chibi Rei appears, her large crimson eyes locked on her target.//

"Sounds about right." Asuka growled, her fists clenching tight and her knuckles popping ominously. "They're practically made for each other." She spat venomously. "Idiot Boy and his sidekick, Wonder Doll." The image of the First and Third Children embracing one another had her feeling faint and nauseous.

//Chibi Rei launches herself at Chibi Shinji, knocking and pinning him to the ground.//

"Its kind of why all the girls have held back. First because of Ayanami and then because of you." Hikari said, numerous female heads bobbing in agreement at her words. Had it not been for Rei and Asuka, the prime real estate that was Shinji Ikari would have been claimed and developed long ago.

"You make it sound like he's two-timing us. Trust me Hikari, if he even breathes in my general direction I'll make him pay." Asuka declared, ignoring what her own innermost self was screaming.

//The stage rapidly vanishes, leaving Chibi Asuka floating alone in mid air.//

"Thanks Asuka." Hikari beamed, happy that she felt she had reached an understanding with her best friend.

Asuka looked at the corner she had backed herself into. "Your funeral Hikari."

//Chibi Asuka falls into the spiralling vortex below, her screams and cries of despair ringing in Asuka's head.//

***

Over the intervening months since the appearance of the Third Children, Rei had found herself studying his actions and interactions with those around him more and more often. Initially out of a sense of duty. He was the Commander's son after all, even if Commander Ikari appeared largely indifferent to his child's suffering.

This had changed after she had vowed to protect him from the Fifth Angel. The order to protect him had never been rescinded, so she had continued to observe his movements, intending to ensure his safety.

Eventually, she had come to the conclusion that his shy attempts at friendship were agreeable.

Very agreeable.

Rei was not unobservant. Most people thought ignorant simply because of her disregard for most things around her. She knew of the infatuation that many of the girls at school had for the Pilot of Unit 01. It was hard to miss, especially when, as in one particular instance, they threw themselves at him.

And now it appeared that the Class representative was going to try her luck.

Rei had developed a series of intricately interwoven events. All of which could be quite easily summarised.

1 - Shinji Ikari.
2 - Rei Ayanami.
3 - Her apartment.
4 - A new lock on the door.
5 - The two of them locked inside.
6 - And finally, a repeat performance of the infamous Fall.

Only this time Rei felt it more appropriate that they both be naked.

Rei stared out the window, the pink tinge to her cheeks unnoticed by all and sundry as her crimson gaze located a very Shinji Ikari shaped reflection in the glass.

<Yes. Most satisfactory.>

***

Mana Kirishima continued to stare at the object of her interest, ignoring all else. It mortified her that her poor Shinji-kun was being so badly treated by the German hellion. Not a day passed without her fearing for his safety.

But all that was going to change, and very soon if her father was right. As a Special Financial Director, he had nearly as much say as the Commander of NERV over management decisions, especially when he controlled all the purse strings for SEELE.

And like most father's, he doted on his only child. Ever since the tragic loss of his wife, he had done all he could to ensure his daughter's happiness. And Mana had informed her dear father that her happiness was linked by the red thread of fate to one Shinji Ikari.

At first he had been somewhat dubious about her request, but she had only to force one solitary tear before he had caved in to her demand.

"Yes Shinji-kun. Very soon you won't have to worry about suffering at the hands of that succubus." Mana began giggling to herself at the thought of just how she would make the most of her opportunities when Shinji was relocated to live with her and her father.

***

"Aaaahhhcchhoooo!"

Kensuke leapt away in disgust, wiping the viscous coating Shinji had graciously endowed him with. "Hey, watch it man."

Shinji wiped his nose, wondering if he was catching a cold. "Sorry Ken. I don't know what came over me."

Touji slapped him on the back, knocking him unintentionally out of his chair. "Someone probably talking about you. That's what Mari always says anyway."

Dusting himself off, Shinji rejoined his friends. "How is your sister?" He asked, steering the subject away from Kensuke's continued obsession with Misato, EVA and Angels..

Fixing Shinji into a headlock, Touji flexed his bicep. "She was real happy after you visited her the other day, thanks for that Shinji." His sister had wanted to meet the Pilot of the big robot that was out there saving the world, and whatever Mari wanted, Touji would do anything and everything to ensure it happened. Thankfully Shinji had been more than happy to visit the recovering girl. He'd have hated to have to beat him unconscious and drag him to the hospital. It would probably put a strain on their friendship.

"No problem." Shinji gasped. "It's kind of my fault she got injured anyway." His eyes rolled up as the oxygen supply to his lungs and brain gradually diminished.

Blissfully unaware of Shinji's predicament, Touji tightened his grip. "Forget it man. The doc's all said she'll be up and about in no time."

"Hey Shinji?" Kensuke prodded the now oddly motionless form of Shinji Ikari.

Shinji's deathly pale skin regained its normal pallor. "Yeah?"

Kensuke's eyes widened in shock at the Lazarus performance. "You upset the Class Rep recently?"

"No." Shinji shook his head. "Not that I know of. Why?" He asked nervously, wondering what he had done to upset Asuka's best friend. It was bad enough that Asuka pointedly declared her undying hatred for him on a daily basis without having the contagion spreading to others.

"She's staring right at you man." Kensuke pushed his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose, causing the light to reflect dangerously from the glass.

"At Shinji?" Touji interjected, releasing his stranglehold on the boy.

"Yeah." Kensuke confirmed.

Touji glanced around the room, noting several other similar anomalies. "Hey, so is Kirishima."

"And Ayanami." Kensuke added, catching the azure haired girl in the act. Her crimson eyes had been locked on the young Ikari. He wasn't sure what her eyes were saying but he was sure she looked almost…………..hungry.

Touji's eyes widened in disbelief. "Mizuki…….the Kuniko twins……….Holy shit. They're all looking this way." He looked back at an obviously shaken Shinji. "They're all looking at you man."

Kensuke shook Shinji's shoulder. "Shin-man, just what did you do?"

"I'm telling you, I haven't done anything!" Shinji whined.

"Dude, you may want to avoid them." Touji advised. "Maybe they're starting to believe all that crap that the Devil keeps saying." The student rumour mill paid no heed to lies and falsehoods, in fact it seemed to feed off the outright fabrications.

"Can things get any worse?" Shinji moaned, knowing the answer.

Of course they can!

***

NERV - The Place Where Tax Dollars Are Wasted

Shinji was beginning to wonder at what point Kami-sama had taken a personal interest in making his life miserable.

"Why me?" He asked the floor tiles. Considering he had been staring at them for the last twenty minutes while waiting for Misato to come and collect him, he figured that he may as well ask. Not that he expected an answer, but hey, you never know.

Stranger things had happened before.

He couldn't understand it. Asuka and Rei's physical examinations took all of about ten minutes total. Yet when his turn came, it dragged on for nearly an hour and a half. He had originally suspected that Ritsuko was acting on orders from his father. But when he had quizzed both Misato and Maya, who were present for each and every one of his check-ups, they had both told him it was simply because he was a special case, citing his unique ability to synchronise and activate Unit 01 without any prior training. How his ability as a Pilot was improving at a dramatic rate compared to the other two Pilots.

"Then why do I feel so cheap and used each and every time I have a medical?" He complained, his skin feeling raw and extremely tender. Deciding to track Misato down, Shinji began the laborious process of searching the maze that was NERV headquarters.

Unnoticed by the young Ikari, each and every security camera turned to follow his passage through the corridors of NERV. The footage presently being telecast on a secure digital feed to a select group of paying customers throughout the city.

Evangelions didn't just grow on trees. The money had to come from somewhere, and with a monthly subscription service to the 'Shinji Ikari Channel' costing ¥9995 with regular Pay Per Views at ¥4995 each, SEELE nearly had enough to fund the construction of the Mass Production Series.

***

Lair of the Bastard King Himself

"So what do you intend to do Ikari?" Kouzou looked up from his book, waiting for Gendou's reply. "You cannot avoid making a decision forever."

Gendou Ikari spared a glance at the papers and requisition forms piled on his desk. "I have considered their various demands and have made my decision." Now he would only have to wait and see if it was the correct one.

"And that would be?" The situation had Kouzou worried. There was far too much room for error. And in their business, errors often had fatal consequences.

"The Third Children will be relocated to the training barracks." Of all the available alternatives, it was the only one that guaranteed everyone an equal chance whilst minimising the potential backlash. Gendou smirked behind his folded hands. This way, he couldn't be held responsible. All blame would land squarely on the shoulders of the Pilot of Unit 01.

"That's not what Special Director Kurishima demanded." Kouzou shook his head, recalling the specifics of 'that' conversation. Special Financial Director Kirishima had made his stance very clear.

Concede or perish.

Not a great deal of room for interpretation.

Gendou was not one to be easily intimidated. "He was not the only one to lodge such a request."

Although he had a fairly good idea, Kouzou couldn't resist in asking. "Who else?"

Gendou started at the top of the pile. "Major Katsuragi demands he stay where he is and has requested the Second Children be relocated," His eyes moved down the page. "in her own words. 'Please dear Kami-sama, anywhere else but here'."

"Perhaps the Major has his best interests at heart after all. What of Sohryu? How did she react?" Kouzou could only imagine how terrible it must have been. Asuka's last temper tantrum had nearly bankrupted NERV. How she had managed to access NERV's bank accounts to finance her spending spree was still under investigation.

Gendou resisted the urge to shiver. "Surprisingly well. No fatalities and only eight casualties. Her only insistence was that she be given ownership of 'Baka Shinji' to, what was it she said," Gendou shuffled through the reams of paper, dragging out the specific form lodged by the Pilot of Unit 02. " oh yes, to protect the safety of women everywhere from his hentai ways."

Kouzou didn't bother to stifle his amusement at the Second Children's continued refusal to admit her true feelings. "Protecting her own interests I would hazard. The poor boy would spend more time hospitalised than he does now."

"Doctor Akagi agrees and has stated her concerns for the continued health of Pilot Ikari. She has requested he be re-assigned into her care."

"Doesn't Doctor Akagi's apartment only have one bedroom?" A sly grin appeared on Kouzou's face.

"I wouldn't know." Gendou replied quickly. A little too quickly.

"That's not what I've heard." Kouzou began waving a security camera photo showing a certain bearded Commander of NERV leaving a certain fake blonde scientists apartment early in the morning.

Gendou snatched the photo, immediately shredding the offending image, only to stare slack jawed at the numerous copies Kouzou had in reserve. " ……… Lieutenant Ibuki has also offered her apartment based on its proximity to Headquarters."

"Another one bedroom apartment." The photo this time showing the aforementioned blonde scientist hammering in frustration on the door, trying to force her way inside.

Gendou stared at the photo, momentarily speechless at the scene captured on the polaroid.

Retrieving the photo, Kouzou slipped it back into his private collection. "Anyone else?"

"……… Rei …….." Still recovering from the last revelation, Gendou lifted the weighty remaining collection of papers from his desk.

"What about Rei?"

"She has simply stated her demands." Gendou passed the list to his advisor.

Kouzou quickly skimmed the list, his eyes widening. "She is quite clear and concise about things."

"I can only blame myself for that." Gendou admitted somewhat sheepishly.

"Well she is following in your footsteps." Kouzou confirmed. He turned the subsequent attached pages and looked to Gendou for an explanation. "Why did she write the same things over and over?"

Gendou lay his head on the desk and covered it with his hands. "The spare parts." His muffled voice replied.

"The Rei-quarium?" Kouzou's eyebrow lifted. "Do they intend to time-share him?" Considering what was stated quite categorically in Rei's application for ownership of Shinji, it was a safe bet that the poor lad would most likely die from exhaustion if they ever captured him.

"He should be thankful that the tank is sealed." Gendou himself was thankful for the application of such stringent safety protocols. Experience had taught him that the Rei clones were not particularly fond of him at all.

"About that ………" Kouzou trailed off, uncertain of just how to break the news to Gendou of certain, recent developments.

Gendou buried his head in his hands, groaning audibly. Had he still had the ability to cry, the office would be flooded with his tears. "What now?"

"Well, Doctor Akagi was at it again. You really need to do something about that Ikari." Kouzou scolded his former student. In his opinion, Ritsuko's continued attempts at bleaching the azure locks of each and every Rei clone bordered on disturbing.

"Why is it my fault she mistakenly chose the permanent blonde hair dye over blue back in college?" Gendou complained. He was sick and tired of listening to Ritsuko bemoan the fact she had wanted blue hair back in her rebellious college days. "Regardless, where are they?"

"I instructed Section 2 to have them relocated to a mostly vacant section of the Installations facilities. It's somewhere …………… here, I think." His finger rested on a very familiar part of the NERV map.

"Good." Gendou confirmed his approval of the decision. "Wait a minute Fuyutsuki." He inspected the map once more. "This is next to Training Barracks."

"Yes?" Kouzou shrugged, not making the connection. "As I stated, it is predominately vacant. Suiting our needs for the moment."

"Who else has just been reassigned to that self same section?" He asked, clearly upset at the faux pas instigated by his Second in Command.

Kouzou's face paled. "Oh shit."

"Oh shit indeed." Gendou agreed sarcastically.

"What should we do?" Kouzou asked.

"What's with the 'We' bit? The Third will need to stand on his own. He will adapt as is necessary." At least he hoped so. His opinion of Shinji to date was not filling him with confidence.

"So you see the only available alternative is leaving the boy to fend for himself?" Kouzou asked, surprised that Gendou would allow such a situation to continue. "Again?" He added, just to ensure Gendou knew who was ultimately responsible for the sometimes odd behaviour of the Pilot of Unit 01.

"Have Section 2 prepare for the eventual damage control procedures." Gendou ordered. "And contact Lieutenant Aoba."

"Aoba? Isn't he running the lottery on who actually 'bags' the boy?" The lottery in question had been running since Shinji's appearance in Tokyo-3. To date the jackpot was worth enough to actually buy the remaining tropical islands of the Okinawa region.

"Perhaps." Gendou conceded. He had turned a blind eye to the majority of gambling, racketeering and money laundering in NERV. Mainly because he was allocated a percentage on any and all transactions.

As the old saying went. 'It's good to be the King.'

"So, who did you have your money on?" Kouzou inquired, wondering if he had made the correct choice with his own wager.

***

End First Mistake

Tbc???

Authors Post-Self Loathing -

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. Typical fanboy crap. I know. But it helps to get this sort of stuff out of the system so I can focus on my real works. Not that they're much better.

Don't hold your breath waiting for an update. This thing was pretty much spur of the moment. Done this morning between 1 and 3 am, so if it looks hastily cobbled together garbage, that's because it is.

As always, post your flames, hate mail and abuse here at FFN (Or where ever you find this).

Any other death threats etc are welcome at -

otaku_dman@yahoo.com.au.

Ja Ne