Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Understanding ❯ Missing ( Chapter 3 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: AHGrayLensman 
Things go from bad to worse as Asuka blames herself for Rei's death. Side story to ep. 23.
Anime/Manga: Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction | Genre(s): / Psychological | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 11.15.2004 | Pages: 3 | Words: 3.3K | Visits: 740 | Status: Completed
Things go from bad to worse as Asuka blames herself for Rei's death. Side story to ep. 23.
Anime/Manga: Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction | Genre(s): / Psychological | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 11.15.2004 | Pages: 3 | Words: 3.3K | Visits: 740 | Status: Completed
"Missing"
by AHGrayLensman
Disclaimers: Evangelion and associated characters are property of Gainax. The lyrics of "Missing" (Evanescence/Ben Moody, Amy Lee, and David Hodges) are similarly the property of their respective authors. I liked each of these works well enough to buy it, so please don't sue me for borrowing from them a little.
This is a sequel/continuation of "Understanding". This chapter will cover episode 23, as well as a little bit of the director's cut of episode 24. I'm going to make one tiny change to the order of events in the Eva time line for the purposes of my story, which I hope you won't find too objectionable.
"Spoken" [Thought]
Rated PG13 for profanity and mature themes. The rating will likely creep up to R in the next chapter, as it's almost impossible to deal with some of EoE's themes in a PG or PG13 context.
Many thanks to bobbomp and faithanne for pre-reading this.
------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------
Hikari regarded her temperamental best friend with a certain amount of frustration as Asuka furiously pressed buttons on the video game controller.
[She won't go to school, but she won't go home either. She just sits there and plays those stupid games.]
"Hikari, I'm tired. Can I stay here again tonight?" Asuka asked, uncharacteristically quietly.
Hikari was so taken aback by the meekness of Asuka's tone of voice that it took her a few seconds to respond. "Sure. Let's go to bed."
The two girls wordlessly got ready for sleep. Under normal circumstances, both of them would've been chattering non-stop about school and boys, but the current circumstances were most definitely not normal. The awkward silence continued even after both girls had gotten into bed.
"I'm sorry, I'm inconveniencing you, aren't I?" Asuka finally asked, with the same odd meekness as before.
"No," Hikari responded quietly, "you're no trouble at all."
Asuka paused, as if organizing her thoughts. "When I failed piloting my Eva, I lost whatever value I had left. I hate that... but even more, I hate myself. Somehow, nothing really matters now."
Hikari was appalled by Asuka's admission. "Asuka, no! I don't think you're a failure. You've always done the best you could... You should be proud."
Asuka's only reply was a choked sob.
------
Hikari never had the nerve to ask Asuka what drove her from the Katsuragi household, assuming that it was her frustration with her failure as an Eva pilot. While that was certainly a factor, it wasn't the deciding one. What had finally driven Asuka out of the apartment she shared with Misato and Shinji was a fight between herself and Shinji the day before which had bordered on apocalyptic.
After Asuka was released from the quarantine following her mental assault, Shinji tried his best to help her in whatever way he could. Asuka took this as a sign of pity and reacted rather nastily, telling both him and Misato in no uncertain terms that she didn't want or need their pity... although she was perfectly willing to let Shinji take her part of the household chores on top of his own.
After a week of this, one morning Shinji started cooking breakfast for the two of them using his same old recipe, with which Asuka was rather bored.
Asuka sighed and said, "Shinji, don't you know how to make anything else for breakfast? I can't wait for Kaji to get back so he can take me to a real meal."
Shinji looked up from his cooking and locked eyes with her. "Asuka, Kaji's not coming back."
"What are you talking about? He just left town for a few days after he broke up with Misato," Asuka shot back, her gaze boring into Shinji's skull.
For once, Shinji didn't back down. "That's not true, and you know it. Kaji's dead," he replied flatly.
Asuka was so angry that she closed in on Shinji before he could react and slapped him, causing him to drop the pot of coffee he'd just finished making. "I don't want to hear that shit from you any more, idiot!" she screamed.
"How many times do I have to tell you? Kaji's gone!" Even though he was clearly angry, Shinji had the same broken look he'd worn that horrible night a couple weeks ago.
Asuka felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. "You're lying..." she whispered. However, the look in Shinji's eyes said otherwise. Unable to bear it, she ran away.
------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------
Whether by chance or by design, the Sixteenth Angel chose to appear over Tokyo-3 ten minutes before a sync test involving all three Eva pilots was scheduled to begin. As a result, they were already suited up and ready to go when the alarms sounded. Misato was at a meeting with one of Asuka's teachers, so Ritsuko was was left in charge of the early stages of the operation. After a few minutes, a plan came down from Central Dogma: Rei's Unit-00 was to take point with a positron rifle and observe the Angel, with Asuka's Unit-02 kept ready for backup. Shinji's Unit-01 was still in suspension until further orders from Commander Ikari.
Asuka boarded Unit-02 with a certain amount of trepidation. Given her last two experiences in the Eva, she wasn't entirely sure why they needed her.
[Here I am, back in this seat... Why bother? I'll just be in the way...]
-----
Things were not going well for Rei on the surface. The Angel had gone through Unit-00's AT field almost instantly and then began to merge with the Eva, much like the Thirteenth had attempted to do. Rei was clearly in enormous pain, and Asuka expected to be sent out at any moment.
Misato's voice came over the command channel: "Eva Unit-02, roll out! Take some of the heat off of Rei!"
Asuka felt the powerful surge of launch, the abrupt stop of the catapult pad slamming home in the egress shelter nearest Rei's Eva, then... nothing.
"Asuka, move forward 300 meters and spread your AT field, then fire your pallet rifle into the target's rear section."
Nothing. The Eva simply refused to move.
Misato's voice came over the comm channel again, more insistent this time. "Asuka, move out now!"
"It won't move... It just won't move..." Asuka muttered in quiet frustration as she worked the control yokes in vain. She suddenly realized this must have been what Shinji had felt when Unit-01 had lost power in battle against the Fourteenth Angel a couple months ago.
"She's a sitting duck out there! Get her back in here, now!" Misato barked at the bridge techs, momentarily forgetting that the comm channel was still open.
Asuka had never felt so worthless as she did when Unit-02 began to sink back into the tunnel.
-----
As Unit-02 returned to the hangar, Asuka could hear snippets of chatter from Central Dogma.
"...severe bio-contamination..."
"...pilot can't last much longer..."
"...suspension... has been lifted... Send him out."
[You bastard! You wouldn't send him out for me, would you?!?!?!?]
Asuka pulled up the video and data feeds from the other Evas, giving her a virtual ringside seat to the horror unfolding above her.
Eva Unit-01 launched, but the serpentine Angel was on top of it as soon as its AT field was spread. The Angel shattered the Eva's pallet rifle and so Unit-01 was forced to grapple with it, initiating the early stages of the same bio-fusion process that Unit-00 was undergoing. Unit-01 drew its progressive knife and stabbed the Angel, which responded by trying to attach itself to the Eva's head. Then, as quickly as it had attacked, the Angel was seemingly dragged away from Unit-01.
Asuka was confused by this turn of events until she saw the data feed from Unit-00. Rei had apparently inverted her Eva's AT field to contain the Angel, but the amount of power needed to sustain that was far in excess of what the Eva's core was capable of delivering for any significant length of time. It didn't make any sense, unless...
[Mein Gott, she's going to self-destruct Unit-00 to kill the Angel.]
There had to be another way. Asuka willed herself to scream into the comm link.
[Wonder-girl... Rei, get out of there! Eject!]
Somehow though, the words refused to leave her lips. An instant later, a massive fireball boiled out of Eva Unit-00's core, consuming the Angel and a sizeable portion of Tokyo-3 in the process. Asuka saw a split second of the blast through one of Unit-01's external camera feeds before it was cut off by an electromagnetic pulse.
Several tense moments passed before communications were restored. When they came back, there were no signals from Unit-00... not even a distress beacon from the Eva's entry plug.
[Oh no.]
Even worse was the cockpit video feed from Unit-01, showing the look of abject shock and dismay on Shinji's face. If he'd looked broken before, he looked absolutely shattered now.
-----
The normally tedious post-battle procedures passed Asuka by in a blur. She still couldn't believe that she had failed so completely, or that Rei was really gone. As she showered and changed from her plug suit to street clothes in the women's locker room, she kept expecting to see Rei at the locker opposite hers out of the corner of her eye, and she had to repeatedly remind herself that Rei was gone. Asuka took her time in the locker room, to delay the inevitable dressing-down she expected to receive from Misato.
She finally exited the locker room to find Shinji sitting on the bench outside. As usual, he appeared to be lost in his SDAT, but he was staring at the floor with the same look of shock and disbelief he'd had since Unit-00 exploded.
"Shinji...?" Asuka asked hesitantly. He looked up at her briefly in response, then returned his gaze to the floor. His expression never changed.
[Shinji, I'm so sorry...]
Asuka was still searching for the words to express her sympathies when Misato arrived. Asuka flinched inwardly, expecting a tirade from Misato which never came. Instead, the older woman quietly said, "Come on kids, let's go home."
None of them said much on the trip home.
------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------
A day passed. Neither Misato nor Shinji left their respective rooms much; Asuka didn't leave hers at all.
From the confines of her room, Asuka could hear the phone ringing, followed by Misato answering it. She couldn't make out what was said, but Misato yelled for Shinji as soon as she hung up. They left the apartment within a minute or two after that, leaving Asuka alone in the apartment.
Though neither of her roommates had said as much, Asuka knew what they must both be thinking: Rei's death had been her fault. The reasoning underlying that conclusion seemed inescapable.
Rei had self-destructed Unit-00 to protect Shinji from the Angel.
Shinji had been sent to rescue Rei from the Angel because Asuka had failed to do so.
Rei had taken Asuka's place on point because Asuka had been defeated by both of the previous two Angels.
Ergo, Rei's presence on point, Shinji's being sent out to save her, and her subsequent death were all Asuka's fault.
[I killed her, just as surely as if I'd pulled out a gun and shot her myself.]
Asuka found that she couldn't bear to think of Rei as "Wonder-girl" any more. As she ran through the memories of every confrontation, argument, and testy exchange she'd had with Rei, two common themes emerged: first, that virtually every one had been initiated by herself rather than Rei; and second, that what she had taken for arrogance on Rei's part was, in fact, extreme shyness.
[That time on the elevator, just before the last Angel... she was trying to help me, and I practically spat it back in her face. She saved my life, and not only didn't I thank her, I complained that I would've rather died. I'm such a ungrateful bitch...]
Asuka's guilt was further compounded by the memory of seeing Rei and Shinji together at the train station a couple weeks ago. She didn't know exactly what was going on between them, but it was clear that Rei had cared deeply about Shinji... maybe even loved him. She had sacrificed herself to protect him.
[What was it that pastor friend of Mama's said? "No one has greater love than this: to lay down their life for another." Rei must have loved him after all.]
The idea that Asuka had taken someone who really loved Shinji away from him, after everything else that had happened to him, was almost unbearable to her. The very real possibility that he may have loved Rei back made it even worse. The shattered look on his face after the EMP cleared, and his near-catatonic state in the car ride home from the Geo-front, seemed to indicate he was taking Rei's death pretty hard.
[How can I face him after this? I don't think I can... I don't deserve to stay here any more.]
-----
Shinji's mind was still reeling from what he and Misato had just seen in Terminal Dogma as they returned to the apartment. He desperately needed to talk through what he'd seen with someone... but not just anyone. He needed to talk to Asuka. He'd been on rough terms with her lately, but Asuka needed to know the truth about Rei too. He hoped she hadn't decided to spend the night at Hikari's again.
The lights in the apartment were off, except for those in Asuka's room. The door to Asuka's room was open, which was strange; she almost never left it open. Shinji summoned all his courage and walked into Asuka's room, only to find it unoccupied. The bed did not appear to have been slept in, and the room was almost preternaturally neat by Asuka's standards. In fact, the only thing that looked out of place was Asuka's digital music player, sitting out on her desk in loop mode, playing the same song over and over. The low battery indicator on it blinked forlornly.
Shinji hesitantly picked up the headphones and listened:
And if I bleed, I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you,
I'll wake without you there.
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, no no.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
The lyrics didn't register with Shinji at first, but he recognized the singer as one he'd heard on his SDAT, as well as on the new SDAT his "secret admirer" had given him while he was trapped in Unit-01. He knew full well that his secret admirer had to have been Asuka -- who else could've left him something in his room? -- but the time had never seemed right to thank her for the new SDAT. Just the thought of Asuka doing that for him made him smile slightly in spite of the enormous strain he was under... then his smile faded as he saw the note underneath her digital player.
Misato and Shinji:
I'm so sorry; it's my fault that Rei is dead. Please don't try to find me.
Asuka
Shinji's hands began to shake as he finished reading the note and realized what it meant.
[Oh please, no... Please let this be some sick kind of joke. I don't think I could handle it if she's dead too.]
Shinji struggled to find his voice. "Misato, there's a note here... Asuka's gone. I think she may try to kill herself..."
"What!?!?!?!" Misato shot back. "Check the bathroom and see if she took any pills or razor blades with her! I'll call Section 2 and get them looking for her. With any luck, she won't have gotten very far." The older woman pulled out her mobile phone and frantically began dialing.
As he headed for the bathroom, Shinji mused glumly that if they did have any luck, it must have been all bad.
------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------
Asuka wandered the ruins of Tokyo-3 for days, searching for she knew not what at first. As penance for what she had done, she didn't allow herself to eat, and she only slept when she collapsed from exhaustion. After a while, she lost all track of time in a haze of hunger and exhaustion.
Finally, she found what she was looking for in the gutted ruin of a house near the edge of the devastated part of Tokyo-3: a bathtub partially filled with water and a shattered mirror. She knew now what had to be done to expiate her sins.
[Like mother, like daughter.]
She stripped off her clothes, carefully folded them, and placed them on a chair next to the tub. She used a shard from the mirror to slash her wrists open, then lay down in the tub and waited to bleed out. The cuts on her wrists didn't hurt nearly as much as the hole in her heart.
[Sync ratio, zero percent. I'm not fit to be the Second Child any more. I have no reason left to live... and no one cares. Not Papa, not Mama, not even Shinji. There's no reason for me to go on living.]
As Asuka began to drift off, she heard a crash in the distance, then saw the massive silhouette of what had to be a Section 2 agent. "Asuka Langley Soryu?" he asked with obvious disgust.
Asuka had one last thought before exhaustion and blood loss drove consciousness from her.
[I'm such a failure... I even failed to kill myself.]
--------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------
AUTHOR'S NOTES: My apologies to anybody who's read this far and is disappointed that something that started out so WAFFy has turned so dark, but that's how the Eva timeline goes. Unfortunately it's going to get worse before it gets better, as I'm sure you know if you seen the last two episodes or End of Evangelion .
There are two more chapters coming, whenever I get the time and inspiration to write them. The next one, "The Last Day", will be set during the first half of End of Evangelion .
by AHGrayLensman
Disclaimers: Evangelion and associated characters are property of Gainax. The lyrics of "Missing" (Evanescence/Ben Moody, Amy Lee, and David Hodges) are similarly the property of their respective authors. I liked each of these works well enough to buy it, so please don't sue me for borrowing from them a little.
This is a sequel/continuation of "Understanding". This chapter will cover episode 23, as well as a little bit of the director's cut of episode 24. I'm going to make one tiny change to the order of events in the Eva time line for the purposes of my story, which I hope you won't find too objectionable.
"Spoken" [Thought]
Rated PG13 for profanity and mature themes. The rating will likely creep up to R in the next chapter, as it's almost impossible to deal with some of EoE's themes in a PG or PG13 context.
Many thanks to bobbomp and faithanne for pre-reading this.
------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------
Hikari regarded her temperamental best friend with a certain amount of frustration as Asuka furiously pressed buttons on the video game controller.
[She won't go to school, but she won't go home either. She just sits there and plays those stupid games.]
"Hikari, I'm tired. Can I stay here again tonight?" Asuka asked, uncharacteristically quietly.
Hikari was so taken aback by the meekness of Asuka's tone of voice that it took her a few seconds to respond. "Sure. Let's go to bed."
The two girls wordlessly got ready for sleep. Under normal circumstances, both of them would've been chattering non-stop about school and boys, but the current circumstances were most definitely not normal. The awkward silence continued even after both girls had gotten into bed.
"I'm sorry, I'm inconveniencing you, aren't I?" Asuka finally asked, with the same odd meekness as before.
"No," Hikari responded quietly, "you're no trouble at all."
Asuka paused, as if organizing her thoughts. "When I failed piloting my Eva, I lost whatever value I had left. I hate that... but even more, I hate myself. Somehow, nothing really matters now."
Hikari was appalled by Asuka's admission. "Asuka, no! I don't think you're a failure. You've always done the best you could... You should be proud."
Asuka's only reply was a choked sob.
------
Hikari never had the nerve to ask Asuka what drove her from the Katsuragi household, assuming that it was her frustration with her failure as an Eva pilot. While that was certainly a factor, it wasn't the deciding one. What had finally driven Asuka out of the apartment she shared with Misato and Shinji was a fight between herself and Shinji the day before which had bordered on apocalyptic.
After Asuka was released from the quarantine following her mental assault, Shinji tried his best to help her in whatever way he could. Asuka took this as a sign of pity and reacted rather nastily, telling both him and Misato in no uncertain terms that she didn't want or need their pity... although she was perfectly willing to let Shinji take her part of the household chores on top of his own.
After a week of this, one morning Shinji started cooking breakfast for the two of them using his same old recipe, with which Asuka was rather bored.
Asuka sighed and said, "Shinji, don't you know how to make anything else for breakfast? I can't wait for Kaji to get back so he can take me to a real meal."
Shinji looked up from his cooking and locked eyes with her. "Asuka, Kaji's not coming back."
"What are you talking about? He just left town for a few days after he broke up with Misato," Asuka shot back, her gaze boring into Shinji's skull.
For once, Shinji didn't back down. "That's not true, and you know it. Kaji's dead," he replied flatly.
Asuka was so angry that she closed in on Shinji before he could react and slapped him, causing him to drop the pot of coffee he'd just finished making. "I don't want to hear that shit from you any more, idiot!" she screamed.
"How many times do I have to tell you? Kaji's gone!" Even though he was clearly angry, Shinji had the same broken look he'd worn that horrible night a couple weeks ago.
Asuka felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. "You're lying..." she whispered. However, the look in Shinji's eyes said otherwise. Unable to bear it, she ran away.
------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------
Whether by chance or by design, the Sixteenth Angel chose to appear over Tokyo-3 ten minutes before a sync test involving all three Eva pilots was scheduled to begin. As a result, they were already suited up and ready to go when the alarms sounded. Misato was at a meeting with one of Asuka's teachers, so Ritsuko was was left in charge of the early stages of the operation. After a few minutes, a plan came down from Central Dogma: Rei's Unit-00 was to take point with a positron rifle and observe the Angel, with Asuka's Unit-02 kept ready for backup. Shinji's Unit-01 was still in suspension until further orders from Commander Ikari.
Asuka boarded Unit-02 with a certain amount of trepidation. Given her last two experiences in the Eva, she wasn't entirely sure why they needed her.
[Here I am, back in this seat... Why bother? I'll just be in the way...]
-----
Things were not going well for Rei on the surface. The Angel had gone through Unit-00's AT field almost instantly and then began to merge with the Eva, much like the Thirteenth had attempted to do. Rei was clearly in enormous pain, and Asuka expected to be sent out at any moment.
Misato's voice came over the command channel: "Eva Unit-02, roll out! Take some of the heat off of Rei!"
Asuka felt the powerful surge of launch, the abrupt stop of the catapult pad slamming home in the egress shelter nearest Rei's Eva, then... nothing.
"Asuka, move forward 300 meters and spread your AT field, then fire your pallet rifle into the target's rear section."
Nothing. The Eva simply refused to move.
Misato's voice came over the comm channel again, more insistent this time. "Asuka, move out now!"
"It won't move... It just won't move..." Asuka muttered in quiet frustration as she worked the control yokes in vain. She suddenly realized this must have been what Shinji had felt when Unit-01 had lost power in battle against the Fourteenth Angel a couple months ago.
"She's a sitting duck out there! Get her back in here, now!" Misato barked at the bridge techs, momentarily forgetting that the comm channel was still open.
Asuka had never felt so worthless as she did when Unit-02 began to sink back into the tunnel.
-----
As Unit-02 returned to the hangar, Asuka could hear snippets of chatter from Central Dogma.
"...severe bio-contamination..."
"...pilot can't last much longer..."
"...suspension... has been lifted... Send him out."
[You bastard! You wouldn't send him out for me, would you?!?!?!?]
Asuka pulled up the video and data feeds from the other Evas, giving her a virtual ringside seat to the horror unfolding above her.
Eva Unit-01 launched, but the serpentine Angel was on top of it as soon as its AT field was spread. The Angel shattered the Eva's pallet rifle and so Unit-01 was forced to grapple with it, initiating the early stages of the same bio-fusion process that Unit-00 was undergoing. Unit-01 drew its progressive knife and stabbed the Angel, which responded by trying to attach itself to the Eva's head. Then, as quickly as it had attacked, the Angel was seemingly dragged away from Unit-01.
Asuka was confused by this turn of events until she saw the data feed from Unit-00. Rei had apparently inverted her Eva's AT field to contain the Angel, but the amount of power needed to sustain that was far in excess of what the Eva's core was capable of delivering for any significant length of time. It didn't make any sense, unless...
[Mein Gott, she's going to self-destruct Unit-00 to kill the Angel.]
There had to be another way. Asuka willed herself to scream into the comm link.
[Wonder-girl... Rei, get out of there! Eject!]
Somehow though, the words refused to leave her lips. An instant later, a massive fireball boiled out of Eva Unit-00's core, consuming the Angel and a sizeable portion of Tokyo-3 in the process. Asuka saw a split second of the blast through one of Unit-01's external camera feeds before it was cut off by an electromagnetic pulse.
Several tense moments passed before communications were restored. When they came back, there were no signals from Unit-00... not even a distress beacon from the Eva's entry plug.
[Oh no.]
Even worse was the cockpit video feed from Unit-01, showing the look of abject shock and dismay on Shinji's face. If he'd looked broken before, he looked absolutely shattered now.
-----
The normally tedious post-battle procedures passed Asuka by in a blur. She still couldn't believe that she had failed so completely, or that Rei was really gone. As she showered and changed from her plug suit to street clothes in the women's locker room, she kept expecting to see Rei at the locker opposite hers out of the corner of her eye, and she had to repeatedly remind herself that Rei was gone. Asuka took her time in the locker room, to delay the inevitable dressing-down she expected to receive from Misato.
She finally exited the locker room to find Shinji sitting on the bench outside. As usual, he appeared to be lost in his SDAT, but he was staring at the floor with the same look of shock and disbelief he'd had since Unit-00 exploded.
"Shinji...?" Asuka asked hesitantly. He looked up at her briefly in response, then returned his gaze to the floor. His expression never changed.
[Shinji, I'm so sorry...]
Asuka was still searching for the words to express her sympathies when Misato arrived. Asuka flinched inwardly, expecting a tirade from Misato which never came. Instead, the older woman quietly said, "Come on kids, let's go home."
None of them said much on the trip home.
------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------
A day passed. Neither Misato nor Shinji left their respective rooms much; Asuka didn't leave hers at all.
From the confines of her room, Asuka could hear the phone ringing, followed by Misato answering it. She couldn't make out what was said, but Misato yelled for Shinji as soon as she hung up. They left the apartment within a minute or two after that, leaving Asuka alone in the apartment.
Though neither of her roommates had said as much, Asuka knew what they must both be thinking: Rei's death had been her fault. The reasoning underlying that conclusion seemed inescapable.
Rei had self-destructed Unit-00 to protect Shinji from the Angel.
Shinji had been sent to rescue Rei from the Angel because Asuka had failed to do so.
Rei had taken Asuka's place on point because Asuka had been defeated by both of the previous two Angels.
Ergo, Rei's presence on point, Shinji's being sent out to save her, and her subsequent death were all Asuka's fault.
[I killed her, just as surely as if I'd pulled out a gun and shot her myself.]
Asuka found that she couldn't bear to think of Rei as "Wonder-girl" any more. As she ran through the memories of every confrontation, argument, and testy exchange she'd had with Rei, two common themes emerged: first, that virtually every one had been initiated by herself rather than Rei; and second, that what she had taken for arrogance on Rei's part was, in fact, extreme shyness.
[That time on the elevator, just before the last Angel... she was trying to help me, and I practically spat it back in her face. She saved my life, and not only didn't I thank her, I complained that I would've rather died. I'm such a ungrateful bitch...]
Asuka's guilt was further compounded by the memory of seeing Rei and Shinji together at the train station a couple weeks ago. She didn't know exactly what was going on between them, but it was clear that Rei had cared deeply about Shinji... maybe even loved him. She had sacrificed herself to protect him.
[What was it that pastor friend of Mama's said? "No one has greater love than this: to lay down their life for another." Rei must have loved him after all.]
The idea that Asuka had taken someone who really loved Shinji away from him, after everything else that had happened to him, was almost unbearable to her. The very real possibility that he may have loved Rei back made it even worse. The shattered look on his face after the EMP cleared, and his near-catatonic state in the car ride home from the Geo-front, seemed to indicate he was taking Rei's death pretty hard.
[How can I face him after this? I don't think I can... I don't deserve to stay here any more.]
-----
Shinji's mind was still reeling from what he and Misato had just seen in Terminal Dogma as they returned to the apartment. He desperately needed to talk through what he'd seen with someone... but not just anyone. He needed to talk to Asuka. He'd been on rough terms with her lately, but Asuka needed to know the truth about Rei too. He hoped she hadn't decided to spend the night at Hikari's again.
The lights in the apartment were off, except for those in Asuka's room. The door to Asuka's room was open, which was strange; she almost never left it open. Shinji summoned all his courage and walked into Asuka's room, only to find it unoccupied. The bed did not appear to have been slept in, and the room was almost preternaturally neat by Asuka's standards. In fact, the only thing that looked out of place was Asuka's digital music player, sitting out on her desk in loop mode, playing the same song over and over. The low battery indicator on it blinked forlornly.
Shinji hesitantly picked up the headphones and listened:
And if I bleed, I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you,
I'll wake without you there.
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, no no.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
The lyrics didn't register with Shinji at first, but he recognized the singer as one he'd heard on his SDAT, as well as on the new SDAT his "secret admirer" had given him while he was trapped in Unit-01. He knew full well that his secret admirer had to have been Asuka -- who else could've left him something in his room? -- but the time had never seemed right to thank her for the new SDAT. Just the thought of Asuka doing that for him made him smile slightly in spite of the enormous strain he was under... then his smile faded as he saw the note underneath her digital player.
Misato and Shinji:
I'm so sorry; it's my fault that Rei is dead. Please don't try to find me.
Asuka
Shinji's hands began to shake as he finished reading the note and realized what it meant.
[Oh please, no... Please let this be some sick kind of joke. I don't think I could handle it if she's dead too.]
Shinji struggled to find his voice. "Misato, there's a note here... Asuka's gone. I think she may try to kill herself..."
"What!?!?!?!" Misato shot back. "Check the bathroom and see if she took any pills or razor blades with her! I'll call Section 2 and get them looking for her. With any luck, she won't have gotten very far." The older woman pulled out her mobile phone and frantically began dialing.
As he headed for the bathroom, Shinji mused glumly that if they did have any luck, it must have been all bad.
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Asuka wandered the ruins of Tokyo-3 for days, searching for she knew not what at first. As penance for what she had done, she didn't allow herself to eat, and she only slept when she collapsed from exhaustion. After a while, she lost all track of time in a haze of hunger and exhaustion.
Finally, she found what she was looking for in the gutted ruin of a house near the edge of the devastated part of Tokyo-3: a bathtub partially filled with water and a shattered mirror. She knew now what had to be done to expiate her sins.
[Like mother, like daughter.]
She stripped off her clothes, carefully folded them, and placed them on a chair next to the tub. She used a shard from the mirror to slash her wrists open, then lay down in the tub and waited to bleed out. The cuts on her wrists didn't hurt nearly as much as the hole in her heart.
[Sync ratio, zero percent. I'm not fit to be the Second Child any more. I have no reason left to live... and no one cares. Not Papa, not Mama, not even Shinji. There's no reason for me to go on living.]
As Asuka began to drift off, she heard a crash in the distance, then saw the massive silhouette of what had to be a Section 2 agent. "Asuka Langley Soryu?" he asked with obvious disgust.
Asuka had one last thought before exhaustion and blood loss drove consciousness from her.
[I'm such a failure... I even failed to kill myself.]
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AUTHOR'S NOTES: My apologies to anybody who's read this far and is disappointed that something that started out so WAFFy has turned so dark, but that's how the Eva timeline goes. Unfortunately it's going to get worse before it gets better, as I'm sure you know if you seen the last two episodes or End of Evangelion .
There are two more chapters coming, whenever I get the time and inspiration to write them. The next one, "The Last Day", will be set during the first half of End of Evangelion .