One Piece Fan Fiction ❯ All's Fair in Love and Psychological Warfare ❯ Worst Date Ever. ( Chapter 4 )

Sanji watches dumbstruck, as Zoro sits down and stretches out on the dock.

“What're you doing?”

“Turning in.”

“What, here?” Sanji asks, mouth agape.

Zoro shrugs. “I don't see a point in staying up all night just because they ditched us.”

“I think the idea was for us to find an inn or something.”

“No money,” Zoro replies, shutting his eyes.

“I have money, you dumb shit!” Sanji is beginning to feel a bit exasperated, “I didn't invite you out to dinner just to leave you to stranded on a pier all night!”

Zoro cracks an eye open. “M'fine.”

“Well I'm not!”

“I rather doubt you have enough money for two rooms, now do you?”

Sanji looks thoughtfully at the contents of his wallet. “…no.”

“So go get yourself a room and stop keeping me awake,” Zoro mutters.

“Were you not listening to me when I explained that I'm not going to leave you alone on the dock?!”

“I was trying to fall asleep.”

Sanji decides that his shoes speak louder than words.

“Ow!” Zoro cries, “what the fuck did you kick me for?!”

“You provoked me.”

“The hell I did!”

Sanji grabs Zoro by the arm and forcibly yanks him up. “Inn. This way.”

* * * *

Zoro tries to ignore the raised eyebrow of the innkeeper as he hands Sanji a key.

Sanji is too busy to notice, his head swimming with thoughts of Nami.

How thoughtful of Nami chan! She obviously is so anxious for our date that she decided to speed things along! How clever of her to convince Luffy to strand us here! Surely after a night spent in the sole company of yours truly, Zoro will not be able to resist my magnetic charisma! I bet she is making reservations this very moment!

He is still in somewhat of a daze as they enter the room. The room, which was definitely not furnished by Better Ships and Galleys.

If Zoro had been a lady, he might have been a little put out at the dingy smallness that was to be their sleeping quarters for the evening. Not that, were he a lady, he would have actually voiced his dismay.

But Zoro, being himself and not a lady, only felt a fleeting tick of irritation at the distinct lack of floor space.

"Um, this is...quaint," Sanji declares, the cheerfulness in his voice only slightly forced.

"The dock was better," Zoro states flatly.

"Your attitude is not very becoming."

"When I actually want my attitude to be 'becoming,' maybe I'll get back to you on that."

Instead of an answer, Zoro gets a clear view of Sanji, as the buttons on his shirt become progressively less buttoned.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" Zoro is genuinely horrified.

"This is an expensive shirt, shithead, I'm not going to let it get all wrinkled by sleeping in it!"

"The hell you ARE!"

"The hell I'm not! What's your problem, asshole, you walk around without your shirt on all the goddamned time!"

Zoro opens his mouth to object again, only to shut it. Sanji has a point. And while Zoro could make a perfectly equal point, namely, that when he walked around without a shirt, it wasn't very likely that he was tempting anyone to do something that might compromise their dignity, he wasn't about to let Sanji know that. Not when it would result in the obvious question, "so who the hell's dignity could I possibly be compromising here, eh asshole?"

Nope. So not going there.

Zoro did the only thing he could think to do, which was go to sleep.

Which of course, once Sanji noticed, incurred the predictable footwork. "What are you doing?!"

"We've already had this conversation," Zoro mumbles from against the wall.

"You can't sleep on the floor!"

"I can sleep on a dock, I can sleep on the floor."

"Only if I let you," Sanji says with another kick, "get on the bed."

"I'm not going to take the only bed when you paid for it," if only because I'm tired of you treating me like a fucking girl.

"I never said that I intended to sleep on the floor, either," Sanji says with a smug grin.

"Oh, HELL no!" Zoro finds himself sliding backwards, only to be met with the wall, "are you out of your fucking mind?!"

Sanji stretches out on the bed, in an attempt to look seductive. "Quite possibly."

"Well, I'm not," Zoro rolls over so his face is to the wall again, "goodnight."

"Hey!" Sanji is off the bed and once again invading Zoro's personal space, "fine! I'll sleep on the fucking floor! Just take the bed, alright?"

"No."

"Yes!"

"No."

"Lo ok! I'm trying to be a gentleman. So just take the bed you ungrateful louse!"

"And I am a man, and find your pathetic attempts at chivalry to be really fucking annoying! You can sleep on the floor if you insist, but I'm not moving, got it?"

"You," Sanji mutters as he climbs into the bed, "are the worst date ever."

"Right back atcha."

* * * *

Sanji is woken from a rather fitful sleep by some noise that he can only describe as disturbing.

*squeak*

grunt.

*squea k*

grunt.

*squeak*

gruntsqueakg runt....

What makes it disturbing is of course the fact that it is clearly emanating from Zoro.

"Do you need some help down there?" Sanji has convinced himself that he is only joking.

"No, I'm good."

*squeak*

grunt.

"Well if you don't want my assistance," Sanji asks in annoyance, "then why can't you do that in the bathroom like any normal person would?"

"Normal people do push ups and squats in the bathroom?"

"Oh. That's what you're doing."

"What the hell did you think I was doing?"

"Nothing," Sanji hopes that his tone of voice will dissuade Zoro from perusing his question farther, "it's 3 a.m. why aren't you asleep?!"

"One doesn't become the greatest swordsman in the world by sleeping," Zoro states matter of factly.

Sanji raises an eyebrow, although the effect is utterly lost in the dark. "Cut the crap, Marimo, that's exactly how you've been going about becoming the greatest swordsman in the world. You spend twenty-fucking-three hours a day sleeping!"

"So it's key that I exercise when I'm awake."

"In other words, you can't sleep."

"Think what you like."

"What I'd like to be thinking about," Sanji growls, "is my lovely Nami chan. But I can't very well do that while you're making those creepy noises, now can I?"

"Sure you can," Zoro mutters, but doesn't resume his set.

"..."

"...."

"Just swallow your damn pride and get in the fucking bed."

"Not unless you put your shirt back on."

"It sounds like someone isn't very secure in their own masculinity...."

"What?!"

Sanji sighs. "Given the circumstances, two perfectly straight, normal guys sharing a bed out of necessity isn't a big deal. You're making it a big deal, so I can only assume...."

Sanji is interrupted by Zoro climbing onto the mattress. "only a jackass makes those kinds of assumptions."

“Says the man who accepted to go on a date with me.”

“Hey! It's not like I wanted to….” Oops. Zoro hadn't meant to disclose that.

“Then WHY did you agree to come?!”

Immediately on the defensive, Zoro responds with “Why did you ask me?!”

“You really want to know, Jerk wad?” Sanji strikes the possibility of him ever suceeding at reducing Zoro to a pile of love-struck-goo. After all, he is an expert at being a pile of love-struck-goo, and frankly, Zoro doesn't seem to have enough brain cells to ever get there, right? He was just going to have to find a different way to get Nami to go on that date, because Zoro obviously wasn't the key. “I asked you out because Nami asked me to, and I never turn down a reasonable request from a lady.”

“And this is reasonable.” Zoro turns on his side so that he is facing Sanji.

“I have faith in Nami's good intentions.”

A snort escapes Zoro. “Oh her intentions were golden. She wanted you to leave her the fuck alone.”

Zoro experiences the rare (as in, has never happened before and ain't likely to happen again) occurrence of getting jabbed by Sanji's elbow instead of his foot.

“You. Don't. Know. What. You're. Talking. About.”

“Yes I do, why do you think I'm here?”

Zoro regrets his words as he picks up the hurt tone in Sanji's voice when he replies.

“Nami gave you financial incentive.”

“Um…” Zoro doesn't want to lie, but he isn't all that keen on revealing his actual incentive, either, “You weren't that bad of a date.”

“You suck at lying.”

“No,” Zoro acquiesces, “you were a perfect gentleman, it's not your fault that that's not a quality I appreciate.”

Instead of answering, Sanji continues to lament. “So she really wants me to be unavailable, huh?”

Zoro squashes his urge to say “yeah, she does,” and replaces it with “what are you going to do?”

“I'm going to make myself really unavailable.”

Zoro's heart almost stops. Nami's plan wasn't actually working was it?

“Maybe if someone else is receiving all of my attention, she'll realize what a good thing she had.”

It never works that way, Zoro's conscience wants him to say.

“That's a good idea,” is what comes out of his mouth.

“Starting tomorrow,” Sanji mutters, “they will be seeing an entirely new Sanji.”

“Actually…if you want to be convincing,” Zoro says hopefully, “we should start practicing now.” He leans forward towards Sanji's face.

“What are you talking about?” Sanji effectively dodges Zoro, despite the narrowness of the bed.

“Uh….”

“Don't let me forget to buy some more meat before we go back to the ship.”

What?!