Original Poetry Fan Fiction ❯ Drowning ❯ Drowning ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

I'm in a public bathroom,

Shoving my fist down my throat,

So no one hears me crying.

My head's pounding,

And my throat aches.

It's then that I realize it:

I am pathetic.

My show of confidence is a lie,

My smiles false.

You never see the tears,

Because you don't care.

I can feel the darkness,

Welling up inside.

It will consume me,

Drown me.

Wave after wave,

I am being pulled down.

The coldness takes over,

Until I am numb.

I can't breathe;

I'm shaking uncontrollably.

My past is haunting me,

My future is taunting me,

My present is a black hole.

My body has betrayed me,

Everyone has abandoned me.

I am indecisive.

I never know if I should

Starve, cut, or purge.

Which would make me more

Acceptable? Lovable?

Do I sabotage myself?

Do I rebel so you'll hate me?

I hate when people stare at me,

I know they're judging me,

And I'm not good enough.

Never good enough.

I want to break the mirror.

Watch my reflection, my self,

Break into a thousand tiny pieces.

Breaking would be a relief.

I can't hide under my blanket forever.

I know why I'm not accepted.

Not White enough,

Not Mexican enough,

Not tall enough,

Not thin enough,

Not smart enough,

Plagued by this syndrome.

I am silent in the face of adversity,

I don't know how to stand up for myself.

When would I have learned?

No one's stood up for me before.

I just hide behind my smile,

Cry underneath my blanket.

This is why I don't believe in God:

Why would he punish an innocent child?

Or was I never innocent?

My mom would love me more if I was Catholic.

My dad would love me more if I obeyed him.

My family would love me more if I was White.

My friends would love me more if I didn't complain.

My room mates would love me more if I let them walk all over me.

No one will want to date me.

No one will want to marry me.

Am I self-pitying?

I want it all to stop.

The pain, the crying, the fighting.

Can I run away?

Never to be found again,

To start all over.

The tears are drying on my face.

I know what to do now.

I get in my car.

One hundred miles per hour and I'm flying.

And then I really am flying.

I crash.

It's wet and black.

I'm drowning, but not in my misery this time.

I smile.

I have found my peace,

Someone waiting for me with arms wide open.