Original Poetry Fan Fiction ❯ The Unlikely Poet's Notebook ❯ This Lacks Vocabulary, Grace and Restraint ( Chapter 28 )

[ A - All Readers ]

Fucking. Why?
Every single time
With every single girl
I can't help but cry
About this piece of shit world

Either too late or somehow not enough
What do you fucking want from me?
I can understand SOME reasons
Even if I can't help my flaws
But don't fucking tell me "You're too nice"
Or "I don't want to ruin our friendship"
Because that is a heap of shit
You don't want to ruin our friendship?
Just my life?

Have you ever been friends with someone you love?
It's easier when they aren't single
Otherwise it just becomes a living hell
Forever wondering what MORE you could do
Why they won't even give you a fucking chance
Even though they say they want someone "like you"
I'M LIKE ME YOU RETARDED FUCK!
AS WELL AS SINGLE AND INTERESTED!
The closer you are to someone
I can't tell if it's better or worse
Whether the perks are a blessing
Or the frustrations just a curse.
It leaves me, sick and drained
With no motivation to do anything
An overreaction, yeah probably
But that doesn't change a thing

Almost as bad are the people who "used" to feel for you
Yet inexplicably feel fuck all by the time they say a damn word
What's the point in waiting till what would have been welcome news
Turns into an absolute cunt of a revelation that will just cause friction
And a shitstorm of "what if" consideration?

Admittedly it's not always their fault - sometimes it's unfortunate
You just happen to meet them after they become involved
With someone else who means the world to them
This is probably one of the hardest situations, despite being more reasonable
Because even if their partner is a genuinely good person
There's always that small voice in the back of your mind
Praying adamantly for disaster to strike
You can't silence it and it becomes obvious that it's a part of you
This festering puddle of pure, selfish, cruel, disgusting evil
And you become afraid to talk about it out of the abject fear
That the people involved find out, and decide it best
To remain seperate, either permanently or until you sort your shit out
Which ends up feeling like a botched attempt at emotional amputation

Young enough, you start to wonder
If these feelings are even your own
Or if every love, with or without blunder
Is just a chemical reaction alone

Our species is so fucked up, and biologically self-destructive
Do we ever really love anyone or so we simply find ways
To justify our impulses and reduce slighter senses of guilt
By finding reasons that may be surplus to requirement
Just so we can say with certainty "We're right for each other"?

Act like me
Think like me
We will be
A happy family

Read by the wrong person at the wrong time, this could seem
Like a directed attack, due to some level of detail in example
In case this happens I want to promise I'm just considering
Just wondering, Just speculating, Just thinking
But hey it's all just chemicals in the brain right?
There's a pill for that
I felt kinda crap today, but these cheer me up
I express myself energetically, but these calm me down
I wanted to punch someone today, but these stop me
I felt an emotion. This fixed me.

God forbid we have feelings.

I suppose I should move on from pathetic prepubescant "love" whinging
I guess I could address the irony in my using "God" in this
Being agnostic and all, I don't strictly believe in him, or anything
Because let's face it, no religion is perfect, even fewer worth noting
But that's not to say none of them could have some basis in fact
Like an eternal game of "Chinese Whispers" fact lost to fiction
Misunderstandings and misinterpretations.
I used to think God must evil.  But now I realize it's us.
"Do this or that all-forgiving being will punish you"
"Love everyone, but if you love certain people you're a sinner"
"Life is sacred, and worth throwing away because someone thinks differently"
What may have been at one point a force to unite the world
Through our selfish corruption, turned into a tool of prejudice
But if it helps people cope with their own mortality then so be it
But I can't believe in anything, even if I want to
Because I end up thinking about it and finding flaws
So I have nothing to believe in.

I try and be nice to people, help rather than hurt, because I see no reason to be otherwise
But it's difficult.  Because it's a poorly rewarded venture, selfish as that sounds
And every now and then the selfishness bursts like a shaken soft drink
Soaking those nearby innocents I call "good friends" in my own self-serving misery
Which causes them to worry about me, which causes me to feel worse
Because they all probably have their own problems to worry about
Without me adding to them, just because I crave love, affection and attention
It's an example of my inability to take my own advice.
As in the reverse, I would encourage friends to confide in me, lest they too
Succumb to the pressure of trying to shoulder the weight of their own mind.
Having said that I've learned that I am so desperate for attention
That I will happily rant off my life story and personal problems
To people I barely even know, which hasn't caused me major issues yet
But I can't help but think that it's not the best trait in the world, being over trusting

Another poor trait is my crippling fear of mortality, it's caused me to be rather stupid
For example, I fear I won't have time in my life to do everything I want
Read all I want to read, watch everything, try certain new things
Acquire new skills, the list goes on and on endlessly.
And if I start thinking about death, which in my head is simply never waking up
I feel ill and will lose sleep that night as a result of trying to stop thinking


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