Original Poetry Fan Fiction ❯ Words ❯ Losing Me ( Chapter 45 )

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Losing Me

Original by iloveanimecartoons

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Revision Thursday September 24, 2009

Thunder Thighs are quieting down

What ever happened to that occasional ache in my chest?

Losing weight, losing inches—sometimes losing my mind

Even losing mass in my breasts

(Good Heavens!)

Go fig—my body's a strange beast, lately

An on-going carnival in my honor and the roller coaster is always free

As I plan and perpetrate and my weight lose fluctuates

Losing weight, now I think on it, means losing me

Was it weird to find an odd comfort in my own pre-cushioned state?

The way my body conformed to the bed, couch, pillow, chair

Applauding efforts while watching my body change is oddly bittersweet

Health is key, of course, but the afterthought's always there

What will I do with myself when that automatic sarcasm is no longer necessary?

When I lose the need to ignore, deflect, avoid and defend?

It's a two-edged sword that plays around in my psyche

While I'm losing the pounds, I'm losing parts of me, in the end

No longer the warm squishy comfort my relatives love to cuddle into and squeeze

No longer will I be comfortably able to make jokes to ease the way

And comfort food and family gatherings as the food comes hand in hand with the love

Will be harder to limit—it's their way of showing love—now, what will I say?

“I'm, um, not into cardiac arrest-provoking meals piled to the heavens as `regular'”?

“No, I can't have beer and huge cups of fruit juice—oh, sorry, one or two fruits would be better”?

So nervous about offending those who saw/see overindulging as their due

As I try to become healthy, following my regimen to the letter

No more TGIFridays, All-you-can-eats, All-you-can-drinks

I sometimes doubt I have the willpower to resist the basic social expectations

The looks, the shifty eyes… “Will she order a salad or a large fries?”

Being watched and portioned out to is insulting and only mounts my frustration

I've go a long road ahead and, in the long run, no matter the support

It's me, at the end of the day, keeping hope alive

I'm my best motivator but, at times, it can become a chore

And, sometimes, the cravings…I think I won't survive!

But, as I lose and become the person I want to me

I have to take all of this in stride

I'm changing in more ways than one—physically, mentally, emotionally

And this journey's gonna be one hell of a ride!

Wish me luck!