Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ All I Have ❯ As Heaven Is Wide ( Chapter 8 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

: As Heaven Is Wide :

Adam looked over at Sam. The medic's mouth was drawn tight, and he barely spoke unless it was necessary. He wondered if the younger man was still bothered over what was being said about his half-brother the day before. It seemed that he'd shut down after the incident in the ABAV. Ian had tried getting back into his good graces with his good guy routine, but Sam seemed to shun his advances with nothing more than impersonal polite behavior. The moment they'd changed out of their uniforms, Sam had taken off without saying anything.

Adam figured Sam had gone straight to Andy. But it seemed Sam had returned even more despondent than before. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he kept gnawing on his thumbnail, which was steadily shrinking through their shift.

He gave a heavy shift on the seat, uncomfortable with the bench form that the Fast-Trac station used within their facilities. Their squad was stationed within the South-East border station, where an incident had occurred earlier. They were merely on standby, but had been for the last four hours, waiting for something to happen or waiting to be dismissed.

“What's wrong, Sam?” he asked.

“I'm tired,” Sam replied tightly.

Adam nodded. Glancing around them, at the civilians that passed around them, he asked, “What did Andy say when you told him?”

Sam said nothing, glaring ahead of him.

“He must have been offended in some way,” Adam said reasonably. “Usually guys get pissy when they're accused.”

“He doesn't do that. He avoids talking about it.”

Adam nodded slowly, and let the subject lie for a few minutes. He looked over at Ian and Larson who were busy talking to the police that were also lingering the area.

“So he lets it slide.”

Sam shifted with a tense air. But he didn't say anything, so Adam used that silence as a confirmation. For the first time, he wondered if Andy was. The very idea of it was alluring, and he felt a spring of hope in such possibilities. He looked at Ian, who laughed comfortably at some story the policeman was relating, and wondered what it was like to find somebody who could return his feelings.

“I guess people can think stuff like that, because he's not like everybody else,” Sam muttered. “He doesn't chase after skirts, he doesn't get into pissing matches, he doesn't even care if people try to push him around. But I care. I care what people think.”

“It's okay to feel hurt for someone you care about,” Adam said.

Sam's lips tightened. He glared at the crowd. “I hate when he drinks. He does it to avoid things.”

“He does…?”

“You wouldn't know it, but he does. Maybe he doesn't get drunk all the time, but he drinks. If I don't watch him, he'll sit at his apartment and drink all day when he's bothered by something.”

“Doesn't he have other friends…?”

“No. No, because if he isn't in that stupid med building, he's with me. Or he's at home.” Sam's mouth grew worried. “Who knows what he did before we met.”

`He over studies because he has overwhelming thoughts,' Jensen had said. Adam looked over at the man, who was lingering closer to the shadows, avoiding the eyes of anybody that looked his way. It still irked him in how Jensen knew of the man, who Andy claimed he'd never met.

“And when people like Peters talks about him, I just…he doesn't know him. Peters doesn't even try to get to know him, and he makes these…these stupid perceptions before he does!”

“Peters is an idiot, Sam. You shouldn't take him seriously all the time.”

Sam frowned heavily. Adam could tell that Sam was torn between wanting to believe such a statement, and battling his own inward frustrations in that those very words were wrong. Because Ian was always accurate with his observations. It interested Adam to see such things on Sam's face, his emotions and thoughts expressed so freely.

“Are you still mad at him?” Sam then asked, glancing at him sideways.

“In some ways.”

“I wish he'd get mad, sometimes,” Sam said softly. “Andy. He doesn't. Not like us. Like I said, he'd drink.”

Adam allowed him to speak, reaching up to adjust his helmet's fit. He heard the younger man sigh heavily beside him, shifting uncomfortably on the bench. He thought of Andy, the way he spread light on conversation and a situation. And suddenly realized another similarity between him and Ian; in both, still waters ran deep. He was willing to bet that Andy used alcohol to keep that light-hearted personality of his in top form. Because he had many things to hide.

“I had this friend…back in high school?” Sam trailed off, wrinkling his forehead as he stared ahead of him. “The happiest guy you knew. Always so friendly with everyone, and everyone liked him. He couldn't do any wrong. But he shocked everyone when he committed suicide. In his letter to his mom, he said he couldn't take being so lonely anymore. I never understood why when everyone liked him.”

Adam looked at him. “You're scared Andy's the same.”

Sam said nothing, but his jaw tensed. Adam could see his eyes watering at that moment, the younger man quickly looking down at his pack, doing all that he could to push his emotions back. Adam gave him that time and thought of the tired wrinkle near Andy's mouth. He wondered what he thought when Sam told him what was being thought of him.

“I do think about it,” Sam then admitted quietly.

Adam didn't know what to say to that, so he said nothing. But he gave a slight nod to indicate that he was listening.

“I feel pissed at Peters for thinking that way. Things were going fine until he started getting paranoid. I don't want to bring Andy around if he's going to be thinking that way.”

“I brought it up.”

“Don't try to defend him, Byrons. What made him think that anyway?” Sam then asked, a note of panic in his tone. “I'm around him all the time, and he doesn't act any different.”

Adam looked at Ian again, hearing his reasoning. `I saw the way he looked at you,' he'd accused. `I came in and saw him making stupid eyes at you.'

Adam couldn't say anything, because he hadn't seen any funny looks. But then again, Adam had made sure not to look too much at the other man, anyway. So in that sense, he felt he couldn't offer a suitable explanation. He shrugged. “I don't know.”

Sam's lips tightened again, and Adam could see on his face where he'd earn a wrinkle just like his brother. There was a slant to their mouth that tightened with that particular expression. Thinking about it in that sense, he wondered if Andy's still waters had caused the wrinkle more so than the uncaring world did.

Sam said nothing more after that, lost in his own thoughts. Adam now understood why Andy said he could be too compassionate, too delicate. As he shifted in the seat once more, he found it bothersome that, despite Sam's heavy despondence over the situation, Andy being gay was a nice thing. There was that slight hope again, prompting him to think of the morning after he'd met him, remnants of the dream coming back to him with annoying accuracy. He felt disgusted with himself over it, but every time he looked over at Ian he felt lonely. Truth to tell, he hadn't any action for a very long time.

He thought of the last time, an annoyed frown to his face as he tried to remember the man he'd found on a popular hook-up site that catered to the soldiers. He thought he'd at least remember the face but it was completely unmemorable. He frowned hard as he tried to remember if he'd at least enjoyed it, but he was sure he hadn't if he couldn't remember details. That incident had been on a drunken whim, which was one of his main reasoning in not drinking.

He thought of Andy, wondering if he slipped away to do secret things with secret partners. It was intriguing, definitely something he wanted to check out, but he wasn't sure how to when there were so many walls around them. He was attracted to him; Andy was just his type with his blond hair and compassionate nature, with his athletic build and rounded chin, and Adam was certain Andy had some light freckles across his nose and it was so cute the way that he—Adam forced himself to stop thinking about Andy's looks, giving a low grunt in irritation.

At the very same time, he was annoyed for thinking so eagerly on the matter. Especially when the one he cared for the most hated homosexuals, and when his target's younger half-brother emo'd over the very notion of it.

He gave a low exhale. He wanted to move in on the action, but he had to find a discreet way of doing it. And that was a pain, for it meant lying and re-directing, and there was the possibilities of being rejected and Andy not being gay...he closed his eyes and wondered how to go about it without being obvious.

Andy activated the keypad lock after hanging up, feeling slightly disappointed. His appointment, so hurriedly made, was delayed for another day. He tossed the phone onto the other end of the couch and wondered why the military enjoyed proving the `hurry up and wait' method right. He was also told to stay away from the med building, where his superiors had figured that the personnel there would be vulnerable if he carried out some sort of suspicious behavior while on duty. It made sense, but it left him with nothing to do. He flipped through the channels of his holoset and tossed the remote aside after finding nothing.

He was also relieved in that his secret wasn't going to be revealed anytime soon. He had one more day to enjoy the luxuries he had now.

He looked up as the phone rang, and sluggishly reached for it, giving a cranky grumble as he activated the speaker option. “Yes, Ken?”

“You still home? You ain't get checked out, yet?” Ken demanded, his voice fuzzy from the other end.

“No, it was delayed. They needed the workers up north, for some psychic activity around I-15.”

“Fuckin' A! What the hell's so important, they gonna let this shit go? The replacement they sent ain't all that better than you, but he's an old bastard that can't even keep up with us!”

Andy felt he should be flattered with the fact that Ken had complimented him subtly. “Well, it'll work out.”

“Now what?”

“I can't leave base. Not without an escort of sorts,” Andy mumbled. “Everyone I know's out there.”

“Where's that kid?”

Andy wrinkled his brow, wondering when he'd introduced Sam to Ken. Behind him, the shadows of the room shifted subtly. “He's on-duty.”

“He know `bout this?”

“No. There's no need to bother him with this,” Andy said, wondering why Ken thought Sam should know. “He's got other things to think about.”

“What, he can't take the time to think about shit that's going on with you? Ain't that a little selfish?”

“I don't think of it as selfish.”

“Whatever. Get up to that office and make them hurry the fuck up.” And with that, Ken hung up.

Andy tossed the phone aside and wondered if he should make a beer run to the supermarket, but he felt it was too much trouble. He would have to throw the contents of his recyclable bin away first, then drink enough to replace the previous empty bottles so that Sam wouldn't suspect anything if he happened to drop by…it was just too much work.

With a heavy sigh, he resolved to take a nap, wiping his itchy palm on the sofa. He woke up later that morning, giving a disgruntled noise as he glanced over at the clock and found it ten after nine. He got up and resolved to at least leave his apartment to use the gym.

After a gym run, getting in some exercise and weight lifting, he headed over to the supermarket. Still wearing his gym clothes and smelling of a heavy-workout, Andy rubbed at his hair in self-conscious design and found himself wandering over to the alcohol aisle, figuring Sam would never know. As he scanned the options, he had to wrinkle his nose, wondering why indulging in something that would dull his growing despondence over the world was such a bad thing. It wasn't as if he drank to get drunk, or was an unreasonable one at that. He simply drank to view the world in another aspect and to also help himself open up in a difficult or unfamiliar situation.

At that line of thinking he rolled his eyes, turning away from the aisle to find something healthier to indulge on, and then hesitated. He would be spending another night alone, with too much time on his hands and with nothing to busy himself over. Did he really want to face it with a sober mind? He knew he'd do something he'd regret the next day. He could find himself deciding he needed to talk to Adam, or staking out their house, or even jumping onto his portable and Googling his every detail, something Andy had held himself back on.

He turned back and found himself looking for singular options, knowing that he could hide the evidence before Sam found him out. He glanced at the time on his cellphone, knowing that Sam was or should be sleeping before his shift started later that afternoon. He then shoved that back into his shorts pocket and reached for a mid-size bottle and then headed for the soda aisle.

Scanning his options for a chaser, he wondered how quickly he'd have to finish it, or if he'd have to hide it later. If he started on it halfway, he would be pleasantly buzzed by the time Sam's shift started, and forget that he was supposed to be hiding his bad habit. Or the buzz will come and go earlier than he anticipated, and he'd have to drink some more just to pass the time and Sam could pop in later, catching him quietly drunk and then get all offended all over again. On that note, he wondered if Sam would even bother with coming over, because he had been so upset the night before—

“You are so cute. I can tell exactly what you're thinking,” he heard to his left, causing him to hug the bottle in panic. The very appearance of Adam reaching past him for a bottle of juice caused Andy's reaction of him to burn, growing flustered as he shifted away so that the bigger man could maneuver. Smelling the scents of the other man made him hold his breath so he couldn't react in an embarrassing way.

He felt self-conscious for the mid-size bottle of hard liquor in his arms. “Oh, uh, sorry.”

Adam was dressed as if he were going to the gym, wearing a sleeveless shirt that displayed hard-earned muscles. Andy couldn't help but admire them, feeling self-conscious over his own, which seemed so puny. He found himself tugging on the sleeves of his shirt, as if to try and hide them before he realized what he'd said. “Wait. Did you say—?”

“Scared that Sam will find out?” Adam asked, gesturing at the bottle Andy was hugging.

“Oh, well—” Andy then shifted to hide it behind him, giving an uncomfortable shrug. “Not exactly. No. I mean, I don't have to hide from anybody, it's just…”

“I didn't say anything about hiding.”

“Well, just…”

“You act like you just committed a crime.”

Having it pointed out to him, combined with the fact that Andy just didn't know how to act or what to say around Adam made his thoughts crash together in a confusing jumble, making it impossible to form a coherent answer. He felt his cheeks heat slightly, and he grew annoyed at himself for acting like some schoolgirl with a crush. Adam wasn't even looking at him, looking over at the fresh produce aisle nearby as he held onto an energy drink. Andy grabbed a chaser to go with his alcohol, glumly thinking that his days of looking at the man should be cut off after today. It was getting too dangerous, especially if Adam was going to be wearing shirts that like around him. Andy couldn't help but gawk at his physique as he walked away, feeling a hideously strong physical longing hit him.

He wondered if he should continue the conversation, but that would mean walking after him and making a pest of himself with stammering something silly. He then remembered Adam's mood the other night. After hearing what Sam had to say about Adam's and Ian's opinion on him also made him decide faster in that was a bad idea. He hiked the items he was going to buy within one arm and quickly made it to one of the registers, tossing a packet of well-known hangover remedies with the two bottles. The cashier gave him raised pencil brows as she announced the total and bagged them while he fished out his wallet.

Figuring he'd have to go somewhere else for his next alcohol run to avoid anymore looks, Andy grabbed the bag and hurried off. Once he was safely away from the supermarket, he caught his reflection in one of the windows of a low-priced clothing store and grimaced. He was wearing his oldest sleeveless shirt that revealed well-toned arms and a glimpse of his sides, which had been worked over with exercise and with the activities he had to carry out with his full field uniform. The watch Ken had given him to wear made it worse, for it hung loosely at his wrist, giving the appearance in that he had thin arms. His shorts were something he'd picked out from a dollar bin and looked as if they should have been thrown out that same day. Worn and frayed at the hem, they hung over thinly muscled thighs and compacted calves.

His hair was clumpy with sweat and there were telltale bags under his eyes from having drank too much lately. His pallor, which hadn't been good before now looked as if he'd been hungover for the past two days. Disgusted with himself, Andy kept walking, figuring he had more reasons to drink. He needed to drown out his desire for Adam and the very memory of the man dressed as he was today. He needed to drink away his disgust over his physical appearance and bemoan the very fact that he still felt incredibly lonely.

He looked up at the sky with a thoughtful expression, wondering if there were discreet ways in which he could buy somebody just for a night. The very notion flustered him, but he was so desperate for some sort of contact that it seemed plausible. Pausing at a stoplight, he gave a low sigh, muttering, “But I need romance.”

Giving another sigh, he waited for the light to change, allowing a jogging couple to pass him once it did. He followed after, feeling wistful, wishing he had a partner to workout with.

“Did I run you off the other night? Is that why I'm being ignored?” Adam asked him, startling him as he realized that he'd caught up to him.

Andy gaped at him before recovering, clutching tightly onto his bag and wishing the man would just leave him alone. He had to force himself to focus on the other man's running shoes so that he couldn't look at him. “Oh, um, no. I…I wasn't ignoring you.”

“Look. I'm sorry for…for the way I was the other night,” Adam said slowly, tilting his head slightly as he tried to catch Andy's notice. But it seemed that the shorter male's attention was focused entirely on his shoes. “I was an asshole. I was pissed at things, and said stupid things.”

“It's fine. People are allowed shitty days.”

“Shitty days, yeah, but taking them out on other people, no. It was uncalled for. I just want to apologize—”

“Sam told me what was being said,” Andy interrupted, finally looking at him. “If you don't mind, I'd just rather avoid it all. I don't want to cause anybody trouble.”

“You're not causing anybody trouble.”

“I just…I think that to keep things okay for Sam, I'll just—”

“Ian says stupid things, Andy, but it doesn't mean that whatever he says we're going to follow,” Adam interrupted him. He frowned at him, realizing what Sam meant when Andy moved to avoid situations. “So what if you are?”

“I don't even know how stuff like this comes up,” Andy muttered. “Um, I'll just go, now. I've got…I've got…things.”

“Like what?” Adam asked, feeling pensive as Andy continued to avoid looking at him. It looked as if Andy didn't even want to look at him at all. It was as if he'd completely shut down after hearing what Sam had to say, as if to avoid another situation like that one.

“Um…well…laundry. Stuff.”

“Wow, that's real important. I think you're just avoiding me. Am I intimidating?”

Andy glanced at him, then, eyebrows furrowing slightly before he looked at Adam's arms. “Well, now that you mention it…I'm trying to escape while still feeling a little manly.”

Adam snorted. But he flexed a bicep out of reflex. Andy turned away with a grunt, moving to walk away. Adam reached out and grabbed his arm to pull him back. “Just kidding. When does your shift start?”

“Oh, um…well, I haven't been cleared yet,” Andy mumbled, wishing Adam wouldn't touch him. The heat and strength of his hand just sent his blood boiling in an unpleasant way. He started thinking of vivid injuries and fatalities he'd seen throughout his career just to keep his body from responding noticeably, and inwardly cursed his cheap shorts. “Um…had a little…trouble. So until I'm cleared for duty, I am stuck at home.”

“Is that something you can talk about?” Adam asked him. He didn't recall Sam saying anything about Andy being unable to work.

“Oh, it's just…there was just a little trouble over things, but…it's not that big of a deal. I'm not in any true lockdown or anything. I just can't participate in patrol or even hang out in the med building.”

“Then…do you want to talk about it over lunch, or something? Can you go into the city?”

Andy gave him a startled look, nearly dropping his bag. Quickly, Adam said, “Y'know, just to get out?”

“I—aren't you going to the gym?” Andy stuttered, feeling set up for something unpleasant.

“I was just there. By the way, you need to have someone spot you when you jump into those chest presses. You're dipping with your left.”

Andy gaped at him again and felt his skin burn with an embarrassed flush before he could get control of himself. “Have you been spying on me all morning?”

“No. Just after you came into the gym. So, do you want to? Or do you intend to get reacquainted with Jack Daniel's there? Doesn't sound like something fun or productive, considering how you'd be all alone.”

“Oh, erm…I don't know. Sam…Sam might—”

“He can call you on your cell. I'll get a cab and meet you by the ATM there on the corner. In an hour.” Adam pointed at the building across the street, and Andy glanced at it, feeling slightly terrorized at the thought of being alone with this man. He wasn't sure if his body or mind could take it. “Meet me there. We'll be in and out before anybody notices you're gone. And if you don't show up, I'll have Sam help me find you.”

“You are a calculating bastard,” Andy murmured, horrified with the threat. But he nodded, knowing he was torturing himself with agreeing to it. “Okay. In an hour.”

“See you, then.” And with that Adam walked off. Andy couldn't see it, but he was smiling in a satisfied way.

Andy looked once more at his bag, feeling both puzzled and upset. Because he didn't know why Adam was being so nice to him, or why he was talking to him in the first place. He felt apprehension in that Adam had noticed him all morning, simply because he wasn't used to being noticed. And he was worried that he was overanalyzing things. Guys hung out together just to hang out; what if he was making too big of a deal of it? Thinking it was something other than that?

Andy gave a low exhale, then told himself he'd drink Adam away after lunch.

“You're up early,” Ian mentioned as he walked out of his room, fighting back a yawn. Adam glanced at him as he made himself a light sandwich, his shake nearly finished. “Where are you going?”

“Out,” Adam answered, looking down at his outfit and figuring it was all right for a first half-date. His favorite cargo shorts emphasized his muscular legs, and a fitted black t-shirt showed off his chest and shoulders. He had been wondering if Andy would notice such things when Ian walked out from his room.

“`Out'? With who?” Ian asked, brow furrowing. He leaned in to sniff at him, Adam pushing him away with an elbow. “Are you seeing somebody? You're wearing your go-get-`em cologne.”

“Define `seeing'.”

Giving him an impatient look, Ian said, “Seeing! Going out, meeting up for drinks, fucking!”

“Maybe. Or I could just be going out just to go out, like guys do sometimes.”

“Well, with who? You never mentioned anything,” Ian said, crossing his arms over his chest and waiting for an answer. “Did you and Sam plan something? You guys were talking a lot yesterday. I know he's still mad at me, so, really, I can't say anything, but—”

“It's an on-the-whim thing. I got up early, hit the gym, then decided to go out.”

“Well…it's early. Didn't you get any sleep?” Ian asked worriedly. “We got in around two.”

“It's fine.”

“Well, how about if I tag along?”

Adam finished off his sandwich. “Your cell's buzzing.”

Ian slapped at his sleep shorts before remembering he hadn't any pockets, and then hurried off for his room. Adam slugged back the rest of his shake, grabbed his wallet and keys, then left the house before Ian could determine that his phone hadn't gone off at all. The cab waiting for him idled quietly, but it was as he was getting in that Ian appeared at the front door, yelling, “Why is it such a big fucking secret?”

Adam waved at him then shut the door, giving the cabbie the address. He then made himself as comfortable as he could, considering his height and size, the cabbie pulling the front passenger seat up so Adam could have some room to stretch his legs out. He thought of Andy, then, finding it exciting that he'd have some alone time with him. Every subtle hint he'd given out this morning had gone well; Andy either didn't know what to say or he'd given Adam a look that only gave everything away, but Adam would rather things went confirmed. He'd rather be direct, and have a direct response in turn.

He was definitely growing more and more attracted to the other male; seeing Andy interact with his environment was something to watch. Adam wanted to spend more time with him just to get to know him on all levels; he wanted more options to touch him because Andy looked so lonely and deprived. He wanted to be close enough to see what it was that caused him to drink. He was thrilled over meeting up with him, feeling a sense of nervousness hit him. He frowned down at the other side of the bench seat and wondered if Andy would be comfortable having so little room.

It wasn't as if the other man was petite and tiny, standing at average height. But he was finely muscled and thin like Ian, giving off a civilian appearance. Remembering the feel of his arm had Adam looking at his hand; he could see vividly the smattering of freckles there on Andy's shoulders, the firmness of his bicep. He felt himself exhale deeply, feeling excited over the very contact of touching another man.

Once they reached the ATM, Adam saw that he wasn't there. With a frown he climbed out and glanced around, then looked at his watch. He was a few minutes late; maybe he shouldn't have eaten the light snack he'd had. He felt uneasiness in his stomach, the thought that perhaps Andy had been intimidated crossing his mind. Adam was quite aware that he had the stature and the personality to be, but that was just his nature. The men in his family were bred big and quietly daunting, and he wasn't about to change himself just to make people feel comfortable. The cabbie waited patiently, lulled by music Adam couldn't hear because of the protective plating that separated the back seat from the front.

He looked up at the sound of footsteps and watched as Andy emerged from the back of the building, replacing his wallet into his back pocket. Once he saw Adam he gave a startled look, as if he wasn't expecting him to show up. Adam felt that uneasiness quell, and he gestured at the cab, running his eyes from the top of Andy's blond head to the new sneakers that looked blinding against the pavement. He knew Andy had noticed the onceover, because his pale cheeks bloomed with color and he missed a step to stumble slightly.

Because of that, Adam couldn't help but smirk, figuring it was going to be easy from here out. He felt his cellphone buzz impatiently, and he glanced at the caller ID window while Andy climbed into the cab with a nervous greeting toward the cabbie. He then set his phone on `Ignore' to keep Ian's calls and persistent texts at bay.